We've had such a stressful two years while my husband (he has ADHD) was very ill. He's now recovering. While ill he didn't drink any alcohol. Now when he feels stressed out he'll have a drink and it only takes a very small amount for him to get "buzzed." I think in his mind he's thinking that he's only had two drinks so how could I possibly be upset?   If he calls me on the way home from work I can tell on the phone if he's stopped for a drink -- the tone of his voice changes and he speaks in a sloppy way, not quite slurred but almost. At these times I don't know what his blood alcohol level is but if I can tell over the phone that's he's had a drink, I don't think it bodes well if he got pulled over.

I have approached the issue directly and very firmly -- one time his answer was that the place he stopped at was only two blocks away. What  kind of reasoning is that?????????????  After talking about things he agreed with me that driving like this is dangerous, irresponsible, illegal, with only negative consequences for all of us and anyone he might hurt -- he doesn't disagree with me. For a few months the issue did not come up and I thought he had come to his senses. Then it happened again. The next morning I told him that if he drinks and drives and gets pulled over not to call me because I will not help him in any way.

A few months went by with no issue, then it happened again last night. I felt truly stunned. As soon as he walked in the door I knew he had stopped for a drink -- and when I asked him, he admitted to stopping for "a drink or two." He had those almost-slurred words, the glassy eyes, the goofy responses that weren't related to what I was saying, asking a question and then asking it again a few minutes later...................what to do what to do what to do.

This is my first post after reading this site on and off for years. I feel like I have no one to talk to (except my therapist who has saved my sanity and is a godsend!) that understands what a rollercoaster being married to ADHD spouse is except you all and so here goes... I have been married for 17 years and have two teenagers. My son was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago which led my husband into finally seeking treatment for his undiagnosed ADHD after much prodding from me. DH takes meds but that is the extent of his treatment. I will admit they help but not nearly enough.

Our life has been a financial disaster because of him for a while. He was fired from a company that he had worked for for 12 years in 2004 and has had an unsuccessful job, or no job, ever since. Our house has been in foreclosure for almost 5 years, we have no savings, no college funds, and live paycheck to paycheck. I provide 80% of the financial support to the family but he would deny that out of pride and the general state of denial that he lives in. In 2007 I found out that he had a pretty significant gambling problem and he had gambled about $8,000.00 and our son's college savings account away. That was almost the end. I felt like I had been so betrayed and didn't know him anymore. I almost left. Now I wonder if that would have been wise. He promised that he would never gamble again and would have no access to our money. This put managing all of the finances on my plate which was a huge stress as the money never seems to go far enough and I feel like I am the parent in the relationship. That holds true in many areas, not just financially. In any case, that was when my trust really eroded. I have never really felt the same towards him because of how let down I feel about him as a husband and a provider.

Today I found his stash of cigarettes. I get smoking is a tough habit. I smoked myself for 15 years. He went to a healer last year and bartered about $3,000 worth of remodeling work in exchange for her help in quitting. I supported that choice and was proud of him for helping himself. The healer helped in other ways too and I thought this was the start of some real personal growth. I felt encouraged, but cautiously so, as I just don't trust him to be telling me the whole truth anymore after all that has happened. I kind of suspected he may be smoking again so I asked him the other day how that was going. He said he had a few slip ups over the year when he was drinking at his cousin's house, but overall it worked great. So when I found the cigarettes today the lying was what pissed me off. I sent him a text with a picture of the cigarettes and said "you wonder why I don't trust you" and he immediately replied they were old, he's not smoking. The 4 empty packs of cigarettes had a contest ad on them dated a month ago so again, more lies. I have told him before that the lying is what bothers me, if you are smoking so be it, that's your choice. I would sympathize that it's tough to quit. The healer who has become a close friend to him and wants to help him would be happy to work with him again. He seems to resist doing anything that can help him. It took 5 years of showing him articles and books about ADHD for him to acknowledge that he may have it.

I have been seriously thinking about leaving for almost a year now. I have told him so. I have told him that living like this will literally kill me and I refuse to let that happen. I have begged him to go see a therapist. I think he has not only ADHD, but possibly and anxiety disorder and/or depression. He went to a psychiatrist last year who put him on meds that turned him into a zombie so that was a fail. He was never formally diagnosed but has a prescription for Vyvanse from a practitioner who is a friend and agrees he has it. He tried counseling again after pressure from me, with a psychologist this spring (3 visits) but said they had nothing to talk about. I asked him did you mention that your house is in foreclosure, your marriage is on the rocks, you haven't had a steady job in 8 years, you have a gambling problem, drink too much and have ADHD? No, they didn't talk about that. I am so frustrated.

Am I being a fool thinking he will see the light and go get some real help or grow up? He's 43. That seems to be the magic age on this site. I am thinking of telling him tonight that if he doesn't start therapy within the next two months I want a separation. I love him but I am not happy and haven't been for too long. I can't trust him, I don't respect him and I am tired of being the only adult in this marriage.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD since 2005. I have been through one marriage and I am within hours of my second wife walking out. I am in a hyper stressful job, issues with x wife, varying degrees of these issues I am trying to address: Poor persistence towards tasks/goals Failing to plan ahead or anticipate future consequences Poor time management Poor emotional self control Impulsive decision making Disorganization Problems keeping promises and commitments to others Difficulty keeping track of several things at once and seeing them to completion Inability to stop an ongoing enjoyable activity to shift to a more important or urgent task Depending on others for maintaining order or direction Underachievement in school or work Loss of jobs/impaired performance Unsatisfactory relationships Poor money management Trouble organizing household & raising my daughter I have been to marriage counseling, several therapists (though the latest one I have I have made the most progress). My second wife feels as if I deceived her. I told her very early on in our relationship that I had ADHD and was on medication for it. I am responsible for putting together all the shopping lists, bills to be paid, daily activity reports to review with her, managing my second home, doing most of the driving, doing most of the chores at the first home. I feel as if my second wife has just given up. I had anger issues my entire life (bad childhood) until about three months ago when I was able to let go. Since doing so my world has been upside down with sadness and pain. I see the damage I have caused but cannot begin to see my way out of it. I have a VERY demanding job in finance and can't even begin to pause to gather my thoughts, make a plan, and begin to execute. Something is really off and I am scared I will lose the people I care about most, my wife and daughter from my first marriage. My second wife calls me useless in front of my daughter and her nieces and it breaks my heart. My second wife tells me she wants me to change, won't make a list of what change means. My wife said she won't even have kids with me as she feels I am not a real man. WTF. I am losing hope fast, hopefully my therapist visit tomorrow can help. Any thoughts out there?

We have hit a wall. My AHDH husband and I (non ADHD) downloaded the online seminar and we have both found it an amazingly positive experience. It has helped both of us understand each other and our ADHD marriage a lot better, and start working on change. 

We listened to all the sessions and did all the homework. We were unable to keep the pace of one session a week, mostly because his ADD symptoms made it difficult for him to follow through, get the homework done, listen to the audio chapter etc. So we spaced it out more, and we got through it all in the end. I learned to adjust my expectations around how long it took for him to get things done, and realised it was fine to take it slower. We took 5 months to do the whole programme. 

We started weekly chore meetings, and he has been taking on a lot more chores and really sharing the load. For the first time I felt less alone, and I felt a shared responsibility in our marriage for things like financial decisions, vacation planning etc. 

The specific challenge we are facing now is this:

Recently, we got to the Intentional Relationship planning. We each made an action plan. I have been implementing mine for a month now. He started implementing his two weeks ago for a few days, then he stopped. He then became extremely distracted, uncommunicative, skipped chores and skipped a chore meeting. 

He says he felt overwhelmed by all the stuff he has to do. The chores, plus the stuff on his action plan, which is mainly around exercise and things to increase his energy level. He says his symptoms went through the roof, and he couldn't do anything about it. Meanwhile, I have felt very alone, back making decisions and doing chores on my own, and feeling like I will never know when he is going to check out and leave me to manage everything alone while he has these periods. 

I am very concerned, because he wasn't actually doing that much. I mean less than a normal amount of chores of any non ADHD person, with longer time in which to do them, and still with me picking up the slack. His plan only involved a couple of hours exercise a week, plus some time on brain training online. 

What do we do now? Is this as good as it will ever get? That's not enough for me. I am kind of devastated right now, because we were doing so well but now I feel like we have hit a wall. I don't see a huge improvement in his management of ADHD symptoms, and they are still wreaking occasional havoc. 

Anyone experiencing this kind of wall? And ideas please?