I have been married to my husband for 4 years and with him for 7, and we have been living together for almost the full 7 years. I love my husband so incredibly much but sometimes I feel so frustrated by his ADHD that I get overwhelmed and don't know how to deal with it. My husband just got put back on a medication 3 weeks ago for his ADHD and I am hoping to see some changes. It took this long to get him to start taking medication again. He was on medication when we met, but stopped taking it about 3 months into our relationship. When we first got together he was so attentive and so passionate. He seemed to not want to focus on anything but me for the first few months in our relationship. I slowly started to see areas where his ADHD effected his life. He spends a lot of time on his computer and video games and gradually he would spend more and more time playing these games and being online as the months and years went by. I really started to see where his lack of focus and inability to make good choices when we were talking about getting engaged. We were looking at engagement rings and in his mind he could not see why we would spend a lot of money on a ring when he could save up money to get a new gaming system that would be fun for him. He didn't even want to spend $400 on my engagement ring. I ended up getting a ring I didn't want as much for just over $200 because he wanted to save his money for his gaming system. I finally broke down and told him how it made me feel that something as special as my engagement ring was not as important as his gaming system. He realized how selfish it had been and apologized, but the hurt was still there. I didn't understand this at the time, but I have grown to understand that all of these type of events were symptoms of how his brain works.

After we got married he was still in college so I have been the one supporting him, but when I have asked him to get a part time job to help support us when we have been unable ot pay bills he gets angry and frustrated because he doesn't want to take on too much or get overwhelmed. Even after I got pregnant and lost my job and we had no money, trying to get him to apply for a job even though he had evenings and weekends free was a challenge, and he never got a job. I understand that it's very hard for him to juggle a lot in his life, but it feels like he doesn't want to support his family and that hurts and frustrates me. I have discussed this with him many times and it constantly feels like a battle, and I am the bad guy who doesn't understand. When it comes to little things like mailing something, or paying a bill, or filling out paperwork, I either have to do it for him, or constantly nag him to do it. He then gets angry and frustrated at me for nagging him. I get angry and blow up at him or try to control everything myself by doing everything myself, which then makes him feel like I do not trust him to do anything and he resents me. I really try hard to understand his ADHD and to take into consideration all of the symptoms and effects that his ADHD has on all the areas of his life, but sometimes it feels like a never ending and losing battle that I have no control over. We talk about this so much and it causes so much frustration and hurt feelings. He knows I love him and support him, but he is hurt that although I understand the role ADHD had in his life, I still get frustrated. I am desperately hoping that this medication helps him because with a baby due any day, I am so scared that of how his ADHD will impact our family. He still has a hard time focusing on anything except the things he likes, such as video games, and stuff on the internet. I am very optimistic about him getting put back on medication, but also very scared and worried about the future. I know I am committed to him, and to making out marriage work, but it sometimes feels like a losing battle.

Hello community (can i refer to you this way?),

My name is Elani. married to my husband for more the 15 years. This morning, when I was reading some information here i started to cry. Read and cry. like it happened here before probably. The feeling that swamped me was that i am understood. That i can nod, or probably will get nodding on my words. This morning I was very emotional, now, afternoon I am much more calm. Few hours passed since last night's drama, few tears were coming out and the fact that i need to drive 30 miles to an interenet (we live on the road and many times away from internet access), put things in a new perspective.

First time i got the realization that I am married to ADHD symptoms came to me few months ago when my cousin introduced me to Dr. Hallowell's book - the road to distraction. I got the Hebrew version of it and the name for the Hebrew version is "Nervous Strain". When i took the book, looking and the original name of the book, I didn't like or understood the meaning of the Hebrew name of it. I was reading the book in the long hours flight back to the US from Israel. When i reached the "Relationship" chapter i realized why did they named it this way. It says there that being married to an ADHD partner, without knowing of it, can lead you to a Nervous strain. And this is where I was. the book was an eye opener for me and is some ways for my husband to even though he refuses to accept the title of ADHDier. But still, for me a whole 15 and something years of love AND struggles, conflicts, frustration, anger, hate, loosing the mind and nervous strain got a clear view what happened. For my husband most of his life were clearer but he is not yet there to fully accept the new friend we have - ADHD.

I love the article here that says it is about the behavioral symptoms and not the ADHD title but still, it is there as well.

When we first realized that this is what is going on we managed to laugh a lot about it. Situations that brought me to explode before and held anger in the house for days, suddenly were a source for great laugh.

I feel I can and want and need to talk now for hours, days, weeks. To clean it all out of my system. The hard emotional experiences, the shame, the mistakes I have made, the "how great" I am and how much it has being crushed under his mis acknowledgment of my feelings, how strong am I, how I used to be so powerful and now I don't feel it anymore. For a long while. I feel like talking about how in the past few years i felt the whole me is being crashed under this thing that we didn't know what it is. How my husband felt and still feel bad about hurting me without knowing what to do with it expect of running away. How our 4 kids suffered from all these fights and angers. I feel I need to talk because you are here, understand, you can nod without me needing to explain too much or to feel not understood. I was a very socialized person. I  lost trust. Those years of struggling that brought me to nervous strain made me stay away from friends. No longer intimate with anyone like I used to. I read it here too. I am not alone in this. I used to lead a women circle's movement in Israel. Very powerful path. I stay away from any leading now.

We almost broke up last summer. Under the piles of broken pieces of me I took myself for a whole day by myself (we live on the road with our 4 kids so beyond relationship there are the kids. we are all very intensively together) for the first time in few years maybe, i asked my self  "what do I want" and cried for 24 hours until something has shifted. Wasn't aware yet of the ADHD symptoms but it started a year that brought me to this book and maybe, new hope for us.

We love each other. a lot. We hurt each other.  a lot. We want to stay together, we want to brake it up. We need help. He is willing to come for help. I know I am the one to begin with it.

After realizing my husband has the ADHD i realized that also my first son has some of the symptoms too. I started to do something I did procrastinate for a long time and that made a difference - treating the symptoms with Homeopathy. My son symptoms has improved A LOT thank to that. Now my husband say that he is willing to do that too. I hope he will. Talking are not always equal actions but I know it is also me, how I approach it. When I push insensitively, i get a hit back.

Lots of patient is needed. Sometimes i have it, sometimes I don't.

Last night was just another incident that through us back few steps. I pray we will have the faith, love, trust (that was lost) and patient that is needed to keep it together. And the right help.

At this very moment I have the hope, the patient, the love that are needed for continue. Hope he has it too.

I believe in family life, we have 4 great kids, very unique life style on the road. I wish to continue that. I pray to find the way.

We are going into very hectic 2 weeks of work. Part of the symptoms of his is that he is pushing it to the limit all time and creating stressful situations. He bring himself to work in stress. I will have to breath very very deep as this will not be the time to dig into treatment with him. I can support or make him more weak, which I don't want to. Again, I will need to be strong, taking care of myself, create, be with the kids, find my inner peace, knowing that he might not be there this coming 2 weeks. We have a project to accomplish. Need to be patient.

If you came this far with the reading - I thank you. I just had to let it all out, to start with it at least.

There is much more as you can all imagine.

I just to tell one positive aspect of it all before i am done for this post. That was a big laughing moment (at least on my side but it did affect the whole family).

After we both realized that ADHD is a new friend in our lives, we drove - my husband, me and the 4 kids, to a B-day party of the kids' friend. While Driving we see a friend of ours on the side on the road near a couple of cars. My husband wanted to stop and help him but I had a feeling that he is actually helping someone else already and it is all OK. we were late to the party so I told my husband we better not stop and that the friend is OK. He continued driving but started to be so mad and foamy - "how come I don't let him stop, friendship is the most important thing and this and that" and he is all about anger. Ok I told him calmly, so turn the care and go back to hi if it is that important to you. But he didn't. he just kept on driving and in the drama. Few minutes into that my daughter saw that curtains that were on the bed of our track, going for laundry, are flying on the road (since he put is in the bed of the track with doing it all the way - part of his symptoms). So now we asked him to stop and go back for the curtains....OMG, he got even more mad now. Now stopping for the friend but yes for the curtains... and while increasing his anger and "nice words" about it all he stopped roughly on the road and started to make the turn while we are all swinging inside the track from side to side, back and forward, shaking with the turn that he made so angrily. At this point I was in a middle of a laughing attack. I couldn't stop laugh and i was trying to say something but all I could do is laugh. The kids were laughing with me, now really getting what is going on. When finally i managed talking I said that i suddenly understood that there is ADAD and there is ADHDA. The last one is an - ADHD Attack and this is what we just experienced.

So many times before we had that and i got angry and he got frustrated for that and of course just another drama. This time, after we got the curtains and the attack was over, everything was normal. In few minutes. not hours or days like before.

I try to remind myself of this option - to laugh but until I will get my wings, the angel's wings, i will probably fall into pits like last night as well.

Wow, thank you for listening. for reading. I hope there is a hope.

Best,

Elani

Twice today, I have been in a conversation with someone, and my ADHD spouse has walked up to us, starting his own conversation as he walked up - in a very load voice - with the person I was talking too.  Ugghh.  I just want to scream.  

These are the situations I just don't know how to get a grip on. . . . . I just walk away. . . .  I don;t know how to address it without starting an argument.  

Any one have  any luck dealing with these sorts of situations.  

I hear his voice outside, still carrying on the conversation . . . didn't even notice I walked away. . . . or didn't seem to care.  One or the other.

I feel disrespected.  I feel cross.  

SOME people just don't WANT to be good. It seems that dh has taken on the lifelong attitude of "I can't, so screw it all. I'll make myself FUN and camouflage my secrets." FLIMFLAM.   I had the naive notion that all people wanted and strived to be successful, happy, partnered and respected in a shared relationship and in a community.  This is not true .... as I am thinking of and looking at dh  and how he has made choices and conducts himself.  He NEEDS a certain amount of mess and chaos around him.  As though that is something he can HAVE of his own.  He NEEDS to inflict a certain amount of pain and confusion in the people around him as though that is a "power over" his environment. He separates people into 2 categories - smart fun manipulators or working schmucks.  I have been of the heart and mind believing that a partnered working couple can team up to build a life together of faith and trust and loving and accomplishments.  I see that my work and goals have been sabotaged by dh's perspective of HIS life.  His accomplishment is to have had dominion over ME without working too hard, to keep HIS independence, to fly under the radar of any law or expectation from him and to feel smart about his abilities to playfully con unsuspecting people while assuming that he is entitled to being taken care of by other people's empathy and/or their lack of chutzpah.  His ability to have no standards or expectations outweighs my need to thrive and grow. Why am I still here on this site concerned and writing about HIM?  Because it is taking me some time to thoroughly accept these realizations.  When I write about them and read later what I have written, it is like reading this about someone else and I am able to see it more clearly.  I have been rationalizing, denying, distracting myself and coping for so long that I have not looked around and realized what a schmuck I have become. I won't change my own self until the pain or embarassment of who I have become is greater than the fear of change. I also write so that others might be able to relate and be more understanding of what might be going on in their relationships. So that my long journey may teach others who are beginning a similar path may have their eyes opened sooner than I did.

I looked it up.  Schmuck is not the Yiddish word I was thinking of.   A shlemiel is what I am.