Here is my frustration for today:

I struggled with anorexia and bulimia from age 19 to about 30.  15 years of struggle.  "No quick fix."  was what I heard from psychiatrists/counselors.   My spouse used to come with me to some of my counseling.  The focus was me:  my issues; how I coped with emotional pain through the eating disorder behavior; how difficult it was for  my spouse to be hopeless in 'making' me eat differently. 

I knew it was me with the  issues.  Yes, I knew it was me. He knew it was me.  Me. Me. Me.  And I heard things along the lines of "Oh, Mr. I'm So exhausted, how lucky she is to have your support.  This issue is so tough to deal with.  It is so hard to watch a loved one struggle."  I considered myself 100% out of the struggle at age 35.

3 years after the end of that struggle,  the ADHD realm entered our lives when we realized our 3rd grade son has an ADHD wired brain.  And soon I realized my husband had an ADHD wired brain.  (So in reality, ADHD had always been in our marriage - we just didn't know it.)

Fast forward 19 more years.  Lots of marriage counseling.  And you know what I am longing for?

To sit in a counselor's office, and have a counselor say "Oh, Mrs. I'm So exhausted, how lucky HE is to have YOUR support.  This issue is so tough to deal with.  It is so hard to watch a loved one struggle."

Selfish, maybe, but man it would be so nice.  

There was not kid-gloves in addressing my anorexia.  It was clear to me it could kill me - it was made clear to my spouse it could kill me. Yep, we both heard the psychiatrist say to me, "If you lose one more pound, I am slapping you in the hospital." I really think that was my turning point.  

Why is ADHD counseling so different?  Why do we have to protect his ego?  Why do I have to walk on egg shells and have to worry about making him feel bad?

Very confusing.   

No one should be nasty.  No one should be accusing.  I'm just talking about REAL.  Most of my issues stemmed from being a people pleaser.  Losing myself, so others would be happy.  Funny that I did the same thing in my marriage.  Lost myself, so my spouse would be happy.  This is part of my own reality.  Part of where my stubborn-ness comes from.  A huge part of why my heels are dug in.

I once again heard from my spouse how sympathetic his new ADHD coach is to him  - as he does not have a spouse who will enter into counseling with him.  

Grrr.  I wish he would tell her that he/we have tried 15 various counselors, but he has yet been able to take responsibility for anything. . . . . . . .   I wish he would say we did the Dr. Phill Relationship Rescue in 2009 - and our lives were transformed into a living dream . . . . . but within 9 months time, he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't do the work so it all fell back to a big mess.  

I know that worked.  He refuses to revisit it.  Don't know why. . . . . . . 

I had it for a while in my grubby  little paws.  I know it is a possibility.  I just need/want/hope it could happen again.  

And that is a " Moment of Time with I'm So Exhausted" for today .

  ?

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 5.  We have a 5 year old son with autism and have an 8 month old daughter.  Life with my husband has had many wonderful moments and I find myself loving him time and time again.  He holds a job and has held a job our whole relationship and I know statistically he is an anomaly.  I should also mention that in the last two years he has begun the meds dance with anti-depressents and stimulants.  He also suffers from OCD, tourettes, and of course ADHD.  We have also been wondering if he might be autistic (him and I) as we recently went through the autism diagnosis for our son and he realized that he has many of the same tendancies as my son.  He toe walks, has trouble with eye contact, recoils from affection (sex has to be in the dark - he enjoys it but doesn't want me to see him naked).  The list goes on and on and I have simply come to a place where I have gotten used to many of his rules and differences from my girlfriends' spouses.  

I am the breadwinner and I know I always will be because he cannot finish a college course and has never been one to impress his supervisors at work - he keeps himself right under the wire in terms of keeping his job.  His current job he has been passed up for a raise at every opportunity due to not making adequate progress - he blames his coworkers/boss.  

I think about divorcing him every year and every year I talk myself out of it - I find a way to forgive him/justify his behavior/work on our communication/blame myself.  2010 we lived in Abu Dhabi and I taught and he stayed at home with our then 2 year old son.  We fought constantly.  He did not do a thing to lift a finger around the house and retreated to his online role-playing as soon as I got home every day - calling me on my way berating me for not leaving work sooner.   He told me during that time that he never loved me.  We decided to move back to the states to get early intervention for our son and I realized for us to work I needed him to work so I wouldn't resent him for spending all my money and not lifting a finger at home (no cleaning, no meals nothing).  My bonus was then used to purchase his well researched an obsession for many months, the MAZDA speed 3 hatch.  And thus started his auto-cross racing obsession while I worried endlessly about our next home/my next career/and diagnosing our son's autism he thought about modifications for our "family car" to race.

I was hired sight unseen to teach in Alaska.  We moved again to the middle of nowhere in terms of friends and family and I have to say that again this feels like a huge contribution to our marital issues. I began the job of my dreams and he found a job.  He started racing his car and had to replace his clutch within weeks and the money pit mazda speed began.  I bought a 4500 suburu and never had to put a penny into it while I watched every extra penny go into performance parts that were a must.  He begged/pleaded/insisted and when I resisted I was the bitch.  Each argument I felt like I was spinning.  I became pregnant and turned to this forum in the first Alaskan winter with my hormones at full speed.  I was ready to leave him.  not sure where my posts are but if I were to circle back to them I know that there was some serious issues in our marriage that we went to some counseling and we moved past.  Now add a baby to my full - time care of my son and life got more complicated.  He cannot handle the kids on his own.  

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I'm trying to see the humor in this situation, but it's difficult to do so.  My husband decided to drive home today from his parents' house (2 1/2 hours away) without his pants on.  Because it was hot.  And because he apparently doesn't understand normal societal and social boundaries.