Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Is this ADD or just verbal abuse? by: hchab1 11 years 6 months ago

    I have been dating a man for over a year now who was very open with me from the beginning that he had ADHD. At the time, I was not concerned as I had previously been married to a man with ADHD for 14 years and had some understanding of the diagnosis. This man and I were friends 20 years ago and "found" each other again and after admitting to each other that we had unresolved feelings for each other, we started dating. I have been very patient his mood swings and days of depression, but it is the verbal abuse I can't deal with. This was one of the reasons I left my previous husband.  When he gets in one of his severe moods, he will swear at me, call me names, but then sincerely apologize later. Then, his latest is after we officially told we each other we loved each other, and meant it, two weeks later, he "took it back" telling me that he really only loved me as a friend and broke up with me and treated me like a piece of garbage. He then contacted me a few weeks later telling me he didn't mean it and was sincerely apologetic, but now a month later he has done the same thing again! I deeply love this man and have for a long time, but I can't be with someone I can't even trust when he tells me he loves me thinking he will "take it back" for no reason!! Any advice....PLEASE!!

    In addition, he REFUSES to go on any medication. He is TOTALLY against anything regarding modern medicine. He believes that his organic and natural diet and supplements are enough to keep him under control.

  • going off meds (involuntarily) by: ellamenno 11 years 6 months ago

    Thought I'd share my experience from last month....

    My life has gotten more hectic in the last 12 months or so, more work for me, more stuff at school for DD#1 DD#2 is 3 now and a handful and won't start preschool til the Fall because we don't have the money...etc. etc.  I've been emotionally very fragile since October when a little boy who was in my music class was murdered.  That fragility increases with each new report of violence it seems and I guess it will just never end.

    DD has had more work responsibilities as well and is so busy that he's hardly here it seems. 3 or 4 trips out of town already this year. Meetings at night and stuff that comes up randomly and changes the schedule and leaves me scrambling for childcare...

    During my daughter's school vacation DH had wanted to visit his family. Then decided we wouldn't go... Then changed his mind and decided we WOULD go... a couple days beforehand.  While out of the country, we turned off our cell phones because we couldn't afford roaming charges and didn't want them to automatically update anything or download anything and rack up huge charges. So I missed several calls and calendar beeps telling me I had a doctor's appointment.  And of course because Adderall is a controlled substance, that meant my pills were running out and I couldn't get more until I saw my doctor... but i couldn't get an appointment for a couple of weeks. I left messages trying to explain my situation, ie; could I please get a sooner appointment because I needed to drive by myself with my two children for Easter with my family (DH had to stay home for work) and I don't feel comfortable driving without meds... nobody called me back. I was treated like a criminal. After 3 or 4 calls plus going in to the office I couldn't handle the humiliation anymore and just waited for the appointment.

    Fortunately, I still forget things even though I'm on medication. For example: I'd forgotten to take enough pills that I had a stash that I could take on my 'driving days.'  So I figured all was well. I even thought of it as an opportunity to get off medication and prove to myself and the world that I could handle ADD myself, now that I'm armed with such vast knowledge on the subject.

    Um. Nope.

    I was staying with my parents with my two daughters. My parents are not diagnosed but I'm pretty sure they are both ADD. My father, I'm certain, has ADHD plus ODD. I have to say, at first I was really enjoying being 'myself' again. There was just this sense of calm I had that I hadn't had for a long time and I could follow my mind in whatever direction it wanted to go. I could tell when I was 'ADD-ing out' but it didn't matter because I was on vacation and my parents are a mess, too, so they weren't going to be angry at me for spending 3 hours trying to put together an electronics kit in the kitchen when I really should've been telling my kids that they shouldn't draw on each other with markers.

    Then it was time for DD#2's bath.

    I turned on the water, and went into my room to get her PJs and some other stuff. My Dad said he'd fixed the electronics project and the kids were playing with it so I started to head down the stairs to join them. BUT! I stopped and said to myself, "WAIT, ELLAMENNO! Go turn off the water!!" And I was so proud of myself for being so aware and conscious of my own mind and so pleased with the way I put my strategies to use.....

    ...til I went back upstairs 45 minutes later.

    Bathroom flooded. Water pouring down the heating vent. Flowing allllll the way to the basement ceiling and dripping out of light fixtures onto the couch. Thankfully it didn't drip on the TV.

    Turns out, I remembered that I needed to turn off the water. But what I ACTUALLY turned off was the light.

    This is just ONE example of the stupid shit I did for 10 days straight til I got to my doctor and got the damn script for the damn pills.

    No. We really, really don't do this shit on purpose. Really.

  • suggestions for marking special day? by: PoisonIvy 11 years 6 months ago

    This Saturday is my wedding anniversary.  My marriage is on the rocks.  I don't want to do anything on Saturday that is couple related nor could I if I wanted to, given that my husband will be gone, at his parents' home, as he is every weekend.  My husband probably won't call or anything.  That's OK, too.  What I want to do is something to celebrate me and my strides toward greater maturity and independence.  Any ideas?

  • How do I get my husband to agree to counseling? by: jacquie6 11 years 6 months ago

    My husband and I have been married for 18 years with 2 children, 14 and 17.  He has been on ADD meds for 6 years and in the beginning they helped. But over the past 2-3 years his symptoms have become progressively worse.  His doctor just gives him a prescription without any counseling to go along with it, so I don't believe she knows how bad he has gotten.  He is not focused, gets very angry very fast, is drinking a lot, seems disassociated with me like he is in his own world.  I feel our marriage disintegrating and I have become emotionally vacant to help with my pain and loneliness. How can I get him to agree to go to counseling without him blowing up and feeling like I am ganging up on him? I don't even know how to bring the subject up.  He doesn't think there are any issues with his ADD. 

  • the Mommy/Child challenge by: jennalemon 11 years 7 months ago

    Quote from "Switching Gears from Immaturity to Maturity in Marriage":

    If you have ever been with children, you realize they are self-absorbed because they are in the center of their own worlds. Children place their pleasures at the center of almost every decision.This is normal for a child. It is abnormal for an adult.

    After years of observing couples, we believe movement from immaturity to maturity is characterized by several difficult (and mostly manual) shifts.
    A shift from dependence and independence to interdependence.
    A shift from egocentricity to other-centricity.
    A shift from passivity to proactivity.
    A shift from pleasure-centeredness to purpose-centeredness.
    A shift from the acquisition to the application of knowledge.

    I believe I have shifted from childishness to maturity on steps 1-4. But I am still trying to acquire knowledge (the fifth step) like a child waiting to graduate from school before I can make my own decisions. I am stuck in still finding knowledge but not actually APPLYING the knowledge.....oh so afraid to make a big mistake!  Since I have had children and a marriage partner I have been unsure of my instincts and don't dare to risk. When it was just me, I felt I could be riskier.  I calculate and analyze things. I've been afraid and careful.  I am also seeing that the mommy/child relationship between dh and me stems from his inability/unwillingness/unawareness toward being a mature adult. He has not STEPPED UP to be a man and responsible adult in an adult relationship.  He has not done ANY of the steps from childishness to maturity mentioned above. I cannot function myself anymore while I am nothing more than here for his use and to be taken advantage of....like a teenager does his parents.  I get to stop trying to GROW HIM UP and put my big girl pants on MYSELF and actually apply what I know, risk, listen to my heart.  Now I will be trying to find courage, love (rather than fear) and listen to my own instincts.  Yes, I realize that writing here and searching on the internet keeps me stuck on number five on that list.  Ugh. 

    “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.”

     

  • Atrocious ? Really? by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 7 months ago

    Today a sales rep stopped over.  My spouse asked if I minded if he brought the guy into the house.  I am still in my PJs, so I said, "Yes, I would mind."

    After the guy leaves, my spouse is slamming things around muttering under his breath.  Then he says, "You think people think you are treated so atrociously, well, I think this is atrocious."

    Atrocious?  That was not a word I ever said.  Atrocious?  Much too strong of a word for the situation.

    Hm.  The front door of our house leads into his office, but it is so full of piles of paper and boxes of stuff that there is no room for anyone to stand and talk.  His barn is so full, no one can step inside to stand and talk.  But he should be able to parade people into the kitchen of the house, because there is room to stand?

    So starts another day in the life. 

    These are the sort of irritations than can push me right over the edge.

  • Done having kids? by: Justwannagiveup 11 years 7 months ago

    we have 2 kids, age 4 and 2 and are working on our marriage but after having read a lot of this site, I'm thinking that hope for a normal life is pretty much off the table. I really want another child but I feel like I would be choosing between having another child or preserving my marriage. Even if we are done having kids, there still aren't any guarantees , but I feel like having a third would put a lot of stress on me and our marriage and isn't worth it. It's a sad realization, actually. DH is on add meds and has been for years but still suffers many of the symptoms related to it. We just ordered the couples counseling from the site and I'm hoping it helps. Thoughts?  DH made it clear when we married that he only wanted 2 kids. He certainly hasn't changed his mind 

  • What should I expect? by: Sloopyjoe 11 years 7 months ago

    I am not even sure where to start.  There is so much going on with my wife and me, but I am not sure I could get it all down in a logical way, so will start with the bare facts.

    I am the one with ADD.  I am not overly organized, do tend to get sidetracked and have a hard time staying focused on something.  I forget things like if she asked me to get something from the basement, but first I put a shirt away and by time I head downstairs I forgot she asked me to get her something.  I realize that has caused problems.  I however do not have the impulsiveness with money and think overall I am a pretty well functioning individual.  I have always done well in school and work and do not think I have any sort of inferiority complex.  The exact opposite in that I may be a little to confident thinking I know best even if I am not good at communicating what is in my head.

    My wife on the other hand is very organized, does a good job of keeping track of things dealing with the family and things that need to be done.  She remembers that the kids need to practice piano as well as the fact that we have to drive one kid to track right after school and pick the other one up for soccer tomorrow, so she has a dinner ready in the crock pot so we can eat when we get home.  Me, I realize that we are all starving on the way home and pick up a pizza.

    However, she is also pretty exacting and has what I think are unrealistic standards.  Where I think cleaning/picking up the house when we have someone coming over is to put stuff away that may be out, sweep and wipe counters type stuff, she thinks that you need to wash the inside of the fridge, wash all the windows etc.  So we run into problems where I clean the kitchen and leave a sponge out and you can guess what she sees.

    Yes, there is much more history than this, but as a typical ADDer, I live in the present and do not dwell on the past.  I used the get very angry/frustrated but I think I have gotten past that.  Yes I still get mad, but doesn't everyone?  I feel like I am not allowed to because of the past.  Any anger is seen as unacceptible

    I admit my ADD has caused problems, but I feel like I am trying and have gotten better.  I also know that my wife is trying in her way.  She will find articles about my behavior (some on this site) and print them out for me or tell me of a diet I should try that may help.  I do not really find that helpful as I feel she is just passive aggressively pointing out my faults.

    So we are at the point now where every time (yes EVERY time) that we try to talk we end up in some sort of argument.  This always seems to be because I failed some sort of test or did not meet her expectations.  She will bring it up with contempt in her voice, body language and word selection.  I have told her recently that I will not talk with her unless she shows me some common respect and talks to me and not the ADD.  So, when this happens and I just refuse to talk to her I am now to blame for the lack of communication.  She seems to view everything from the past and can not get over what I have done, weather I continue to do it or not (ex the anger issue).

    So how can we move forward?  I hate this becoming about right and wrong, but I always feel like she is accusing me of causing all the problems.  She does not treat me with any decency.  When I point this out to her I get the argument that ADD folks are not good at self judging or interpreting others around them and are overly defensive type arguments.  When she send me an "I message" and I tell her interpretation is not how I meant it she pulls out the argument that even if I do not mean it "that" way, if that is how she interprets it that it is her reality so I should change what I am doing because she feels <insert emotion here>.  I follow up and ask what about how I feel she is treating me, and she responds with that it is a problem that when we try to discuss an issue she is having with my behavior, I am always trying to turn the blame on her.

    So, tonight were were trying to talk, and again I felt she was treating me with nothing but contempt and unless she showed some respect for me, I would not talk to her.  Now I am accused of walking away.  Supposedly if I walk away I am supposed to initiate a follow up conversation.  But here we have two problems.  One, why would I want to start back a conversation where I feel she does little more than demean me and Two, I am living in the present and forgot about it.

    I really do love my wife and want this to work, but it is hard when there are so many times I do not even like her.

    How can I communicate with my wife where she talks to the present me, not the past me?  How can I communicate with my wife realizing she has good intentions even though she make me feel worthless.  How can I communicate with my wife when I am not good with words and can not get my meanings out in a way that she understands?  How can I ...?

  • Hurt by my ADD partners actions by: mynameisktb 11 years 7 months ago

    I am not sure if I am angry anymore.  I am so exhausted from this relationship that I do not even have the capability of being angry anymore.

    I am living with a man that I am totally in love with - we have been together for over 2 years, and lived together for almost 1 year.  We both have great jobs and many hobbies.  He has suffered from ADD his whole life, but only in the last year or so has he been interested in looking for a 'solution'.  Our relationship has been full of hardships, fights, and disagreements on everything from sex to commitment, but only in the last few weeks have we both agreed that my partners ADD has been a catalyst for most of the issues we have had.  

     

    He has started taking Adderall which seems to help his focus but he also seems to think that the medication will solve his problems on its own.

    Recently - we have had a breakdown.  I have been recently struggling with an alcoholic parent (who was sober for 25 years - before I was born) so my world has been flipped upside down. It seems impossible for him to support me because he cannot 'think' or imagine how I feel, he does not have the attention to listen to how I feel, and I think he has so many of his own thoughts and feelings that he does not necessarily care how I feel.  I also know that his mindset is if he cant do anything to fix a problem, then he wont do anything at all.

    I have told him that there is nothing to fix, nothing to solve, just to support me.  Somehow - a month into my mess he decided that I have been using him as an 'emotional punching bag'.  All I did was share my feelings with my best friend...

    This brought us into an awful low - and we have slowly started to rebuild it... I have begun reading up on ADD and remembering why he does and says the things he does. He has begin taking medication.   Everything seemed like it was on the right track, untill.................He told me he wanted (I think he said NEEDED) a $200 BB Gun......   I thought he was an adult?   He would not let it go for days, just like any child that wants a toy.  I told him to go get it if he needed it so bad, and that it is great to do something nice for yourself every once in a while, but it would be really nice if he thought about how buying it would make me feel, and think of a way to make me feel good about it.  We had a conversation about being selfish and selfless and how they go hand in hand in a relationship

    I think we all know what happened - he bought it - he loves it - he played with it all weekend.   My feelings never crossed his mind.  

    And you can probably guess what was next - I told him that It hurt my feelings by buying it and not going out of his way to do anything for me.  This turned into WWIII and ended up with him saying he was going to return it....   (because that would make me feel better right! haha)

    I am lost and confused.  I need a partner not a child, and I deserve to feel loved.   There is so much letting things go, forgiving, looking past, ignoring, and giving breaks when you are with someone like this. 

    I dont think I even have a question.... just why?  why is this so hard?

  • Procrastination by: CG 11 years 7 months ago

    I am trying to understand my wife's challenges with procrastination. She has recently been diagnosed with "non-traditional" ADD inattentive type. I think the diagnosis is vague because the therapist may see other issues. The thing that is puzzling to me is that she will not procrastinate if the task she has to do involves something that will result in people outside of our family (myself and two young boys) seeing or perhaps judging her. If someone has ADD, surely the procrastination occurs in both places - within the family and outside it. Can anyone help me to understand this as I find it frustrating? If she can do things on-time for others, why can she not do it for those that she loves? Is it just that her fear of being judged by others keeps her focused whereas she does not fear or care about being judged at home? Or is it that she is trying to provoke me to try to create conflict? Conflict that I am pleased to say does not occur because now, with the understanding of ADD, I am able to see it for what it is and refuse to be hooked. Thanks and all the best to you all, CG.

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