6 years of a domestic partnership down the drain after a recent stressor came to the forefront. I can't make sense of any of it. My partner (28F) broke up with me (38F) this past week. This is the second time. The first time was due to what she says is this crippling fear of the future and not being able to "get there." That first time she was stressed from her job and this was prior to diagnosis. She said she felt like she needed to be on her own and do her own thing. It was devastating and I took it hard and I accepted it. We didn't create the proper boundaries though, and still went on a trip we had planned together with her parents. Shortly after she received her diagnosis and got on meds. Discovered relationship flight is a thing. We ended up getting back together and she stated that we were in a good place and she was happy. I felt the same. Our relationship has always been healthy, loving, supportive, adventurous, and communicative since day one. Despite disagreements and minor arguments we have always been able to communicate plainly and there were no massive outbursts nor disrespect. Not even during that breakup or this one. Ever since discovering about her diagnosis, I've read books, read posts on forums, med journals/publications. I have accepted it fully and supported her decisions and have done my best to be understanding. She's loving and kind, and loyal and I have never had any gut feelings that made me distrust her. There were bits of frustrations about those behaviours associated with this type of neurodivergence but we've always been able to take a step back and talk about it and find the best way to tackle it. We're quite literally the best team and all our friends and family see it and adore us together. Recently she's dealt with the stress of her mother having to go through an emergency surgery. It was rather scary and was the second time her mother has had an health issue to where she thought she would lose her. We were all at the edge of our seats and a bundle of nerves. Thankfully she made it through, but ever since that happened about two weeks ago my partner shut down, disassociated, and ignored me to the point I felt invisible. It hurt my feelings because I was also worried for her mum and also worried about her. I asked to talk to her and I explained what I felt and told her she wasn't alone and it hurts to see her try to process what's going on. She said sometimes she just doesn't know what to say, so I asked her what she needed. The moment she started to clam up, it was reminiscent of our first breakup talk. I asked her plainly if that's what she wanted and she said yes. I accepted it for face value that it's what she needs but once again I am crushed, disappointed, exasperated, and angry not at her but at ADHD itself. I feel it's robbed her and I of this incredible life we've built. Because of our age difference and since receiving her diagnosis I've always made sure to never pressure her into anything like kids or marriage (and tbh I'm one of those I'm happy whether it happens or not type of people). She's always initiated those talks and we've had many conversations about what our future looks like. I asked her questions like are you still into me, did you fall out of love with me, did you feel we grew apart, do you feel we weren't compatible, and all the answers were no. She broke down and said with other partners it was easy to walk away because she didn't love them. She said she loves my company and our time together, that I am the love of her life and that she's never loved like this before, but when she sees our friends taking the next step like marriage and babies, she says she can't quite "get there." She says she thinks there's trauma from her youth coupled with ADHD that makes taking the next step difficult and she feels "the next step isn't enough of a reason." She says I'm her best friend, and the best partner, and she appreciates me and all I've done but feels like she has to figure out who she is without me and the fear of the future is crippling and she can't quite put it into words. I feel discarded and like im losing everything. I asked if the feeling has been going on for sometime and she said that it started happening when she went to see her mum whilst she was at hospital (so the past two weeks). She said that it hit her that she has this partner who is super supportive but she can't even bring herself to text me to let me know she's ok, and she felt it was an issue. She said she can't go another 6 years and feel this way and feel flighty especially when big things come into the mix like kids and a house. I'm letting her go ofc and gosh the pain of this feels debilitating. Within the week I've lost 7 pounds because I haven't been able to eat. It is just so hard to lose the love of my life like this. Deep down I still feel like she's my person. I hope she gets the therapy she deserves. Part of me holds on hope that maybe in the future we'll meet again but part of me is also ready to just go because I am so heartbroken and I wouldn't want her staying out of guilt and I personally can't go through this a third time. She says it's not because she thinks the grass is greener or that she wants to see other people (she says it makes her sick to even think about other people) and I believe everything she's told me but I just don't understand why out of everything, a good loving relationship she says she valued had to give. For those with ADHD have you ever regretted something like this? Do some of you break up and get back together? For Non-ADHD folks have you been in my situation and held out hope? Did they come back and did you let them back into your life? Also, do you just cut this person out of your life forever? I just am such at a loss and massively confused. We did promise each other not to let each other struggle financially for a bit, and to have each other's backs from a distance. We will share custody of our dog on a 90/10 situation (her dog primarily) and be each other's emergency contacts until we move on and have well adjusted within our own separate spaces. For now we're cohabitating until I can find a place and we've started separating this current space so we can have the boundaries. 

Hello everyone,

I haven't been on the site for a while to read some experiences and was a little shocked when I signed in to see that I first started seeking answers a little over 8 years ago...E.I.G.H.T. YEARS...went by in the blink of an eye.

I have finally reached my breaking point; long-story-short, through medication for newly diagnosed bi-polar tendencies and cognitive therapy of my own, I have decided what I need to do but still just unsure, so I am now in the process of "seeking the counsel of many"...so the main question is, for the folks on here that decided to eventually leave or divorce their ADHD partner, what was your personal breaking point? Also, in what way did you carry out your plan of action? For me personally, it seems easy when there is a severe argument or fight to want to pack up my belongings and head out or even just leave with the shirt on my back after 16 years of this.  However, when things are going well (as they have been recently except for a few instances here and there) like since I came back last year from staying with my mom for 7 months after my father passed away, I am having trouble approaching or determining a good time to tell him that I simply cannot live like this any longer, because I know he will blow up. I am getting too old and no longer have the mental energy or even physical stamina to carry on like we have for this long.

Just asking for personal experiences and not saying that divorce is the only or even healthy answer, etc., there's just a lot more to the story (mental and emotional abuse included that I did not want to acknowledge or accept) that have helped me arrive at my decision. 

Blessings to all and thank you for reading.

xoxo - julie jay

So this ADHD thing was going so well.  At first my husband was resistant to the idea, but little by little he started paying attention and understanding it and recognizing that's what he has.  Two weeks ago he told me how much he loved and appreciated me for doing all this research and learning about ADHD, and for helping him learn about ADHD and how helpful I've been in making changes to how I approach things and sending him reminders and all this stuff.  Then today I texted him about our daughter (who is learning to drive and TERRIFYING me way beyond what her brother did or twin sister is doing) and was explaining to him about how, as I've been researching ADHD, I am 99 percent sure she has it.  Hers is Inattentive - she's an absolute sweetheart, but she's shy, has anxiety and some very quirky behaviors.  (He's ALWAYS been the one telling ME how quirky she is, and he's been HARD on her for her shyness and distractability and tendency to cry easily, but I didn't call him out for how he's handled it.  Just listed all of her obvious and unusual traits that are ADHD traits.)  And he lost his mind.  Furious texting back and forth with me.  According to him there is nothing wrong with her.  He ADORES his daughter just the way she is, and he doesn't want me making her feel inferior or like she's less of a person or making excuses for her.  She's just who she is and she will grow up and come into her own just fine as long as we don't treat her like there's something wrong with her.  I've always been gentle in how I parented her because she has always been a sensitive girl.  And I never said to him or her that there was something wrong with her.  I just told him that I'd ordered some books to learn more about ADHD in teen girls and how I could best help and guide her as a mom.  I don't want her to struggle in life.  He kept demanding I tell him what "normal" is and insisting that I have no idea and can't even give him one example.  He was absolutely furious.  Here I was already feeling terrible, like I could have done better as her mom and helped her better if I'd just known, then the dude who has outright admitted to how much he's struggled having ADHD his whole life and not knowing it is telling me that I'm pretty much wrong for educating myself and wanting to help educate him and her.  I stayed as neutral as I could, given we were texting.  He essentially said ADHD is a money grab by doctors, psychologists, authors, etc.  I told him that was only his opinion and he should really do some research himself before deciding that.  After he berated me for my superiority I told him I won't talk to him about ADHD anymore.  He tried to call me, but I didn't feel like getting berated over the phone as well, so I told him "No thanks.  I already said I won't talk about it anymore."  And he said "Thank you."  As if I have been in the wrong this entire time for sharing the reels and info I've read, and all the time I've invested in learning all I could to try to HELP him, and improve our marriage.

Now I am barely holding it together.  This has been a horrible year for our marriage because i finally broke, then I found out about his ADHD and that broke me some more... but I felt like there was some kind of hope if we could at least learn about it together and he could get some coping mechanisms in place to deal with his unreasonable reactions.  I still don't like him, but I was really trying and it seemed like things were getting a little better.  The grieving process has been really hard for me.  Realizing my daughter most likely has ADHD broke me again because of how much my husband's ADHD has affected our family and specifically me as his spouse and how HARD our marriage has been.  I don't want my sweet girl to have a hard marriage or have a spouse who doesn't understand her and can't support her because he has no idea what's going on and neither does she.  Ignorance is NOT bliss.  I feel like I'm going to have to go over his head with this because she needs to know what she's up against.  I am certain that just pretending she's no different from our non-ADHD kids is not the solution, and, as her parent, I feel it's wrong to just leave her to figure it out on her own. 

Now I'm back to feeling hopeless with his willful ignorance, and feeling like he's confirmed, yet again, that I am completely alone.  Responses like this are why I have never been able to freely talk to him about things I worry about or my feelings or opinions if they don't align with his unless I wanted to fight.  Which i never do.  Right now I want to just quit all the things I've done to "help" him lately since ADHD is "just a profitable industry".  Obviously he shouldn't need help managing it then.  But that feels petty, too.  I'm just so hurt and disappointed right now.

Hello,

   I post here occasionally when my frustration with my husband gets too hard to take. I need a hug. My husband and I were planning a short driving vacation. I chased after him for weeks, and we did not finalize any plans. I alone sketched out a draft itinerary that includes some places we each would like to visit. Then he pushed back the start date one day, which meant I had to check opening hours for the new dates. Tonight my husband realized we cannot plan routes and book hotels in time. Now we pushed the vacation back a full week. He promised he will keep his commitment to participate and finalize the plans in the next few evenings. I said we are not going if he does not keep this new planning commitment. He said OK!

Angie