I'll try not to go into too much detail because it's been such a wild ride I could easily write a novela about what I've experienced. I will preface to say that I do not think this is all because my former partner has ADHD but I question if the way this all started was due in large part to his ADHD, whether anyone else has experienced anything similar and if my gut is right about what I might expect to come in the future.

My partner and I were together for 8 years and I had started to suspect he had ADHD, which was later confirmed by his mother, but we had not made treatment a priority yet (after reading the book oh how I wish we had). Our relationship was not perfect by any means but it wasn't terrible. We had the usual pattern of arguments related to household chores, finances and me feeling like he didn't show enough interest in me vs things he hyperfocused on and we had discussed trying therapy when we could afford it but for the most part we were ok with occasional arguments when one of these areas would really flare up. He went on a trip for work that involved traveling out of state doing electrical work with a crew of guys and was gone for about 5 days, during which time he would text me daily and called me every night before bed. He complained about wishing he was home, said he missed me, that he loved me and even made a suggestion for a vacation we should take. When he finally did come home he didn't tell me he was coming back that day, which was unusual, so I was surprised when he suddenly came home. He seemed upset but from how poorly he said his fellow crew members behaved and overall how badly the trip went I assumed he was just tired and frustrated about that. He immediately went out to smoke and then came back in and said he had to tell me something. He had met a man who offered to fast track his career and promote him quickly if he moved to this other state. He wanted to break up and said he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a while and we'd both be better off. He spent a lot of time telling me how wonderful I was and how I deserved someone who could give me all the things he couldn't and make me happy. He didn't want to try long distance and he didn't want to work on things with me because there was too much baggage and it would be too hard and take too long. He would be leaving ASAP for this promotion and it could be as early as a week but it would be by the end of the month at the latest. Long story short he stayed for 2 months and was very back and forth towards me the entire time, at one point flat out saying he wasn't sure if he wanted to leave or not and other times saying that maybe we could try again in a year when we were "both better people." He denied multiple times that there was another woman but was really awful at hiding it so my suspicion was high even though I didn't want to believe it. He finally did leave when I demanded he pay me at least part of what he owed me for rent because he had continued saying he was leaving ASAP only to go on two weekend long trips supposedly related to this wild job offer where he spent obscene amounts of money and then was effectively broke until his next paycheck and couldn't give me anything towards rent. He blew up at me when I demanded rent and seemed shocked when I finally drew a line in the sand but did leave the following weekend. He claimed this was planned but then told me he was living out of his truck for a short period when he would still call and text on occasionly.

Finally the communication went silent and I confirmed via checking phone records that there had been another woman. The thing that I still can't wrap my head around is that if the phone records are correct he met her the night before he came home and broke up with me. It never appeared on any previous phone records and his behavior prior to that time vs after was very different to where it was obvious to me he was focusing on someone else. After obsessively reading about affairs, ADHD and various other topics my best guess is something involving the impulsivity of ADHD potentially mixed with extreme guilt and shame after probably getting drunk and cheating in what should've been just a one night stand that he couldn't bear to admit to.

He went no contact for a few months and then had reached out to me in the spring. We texted throughout the work day every week day for two months and he went so far as to switch to email when his service was shut off to his phone (he never really did figure out budgeting on his own). During these conversations he said he was unhappy there but danced around the topic of being in a new relationship. He started to talk about wanting to come back to our city and told me about jobs he was applying and interviewing for. I finally confronted him and called him out on the other woman and said I was willing to work on things with him if he wanted to come back but I wouldn't chase him and I wouldn't beg. I told him I was incredibly hurt but I didn't hate him and I've learned a lot about our relationship and infidelity as a whole and now believe it is something we could rebuild a new and better relationship from. He said he realized he had made a mistake leaving and listed off the ways that I outshone this other person. I asked how they met and he told me it was a random person at a bar just as I suspected. He said he thought he wanted to come back but was afraid that he would hurt me again or watse my time if he changed his mind again. He finally did say this is what I want and these are the steps I'm taking to come back, followed by a call in the middle of the night later that week saying the opposite. I was also treated to a few emails and texts from the affair partner first telling me to not contact him again and then begging to know whether our communications were platonic, neither of which I responded to. I haven't heard from him in a couple of months now and I have reason to believe they've finally gotten an apartment together (they were living with her mother prior to this) but he still has not taken himself off our lease and still has keys and a garage remote he left with and has left many of his personal belongings here. I know part of that could be the ADHD forgetfulness but part of me thinks it's to avoid fully severing all connections to me.

I can't wrap my head around why he is still staying there given everything he told me about what's been going on and what all he was unsatisfied with (both how controlling she is and his new career prospects) but my gut tells me I'm going to hear from him again and it potentially could be in the form of him just showing up one day. I'm back to being on the fence about what I would want and whether I'm willing to try again if he's genuinely remorseful if and when he contacts me again. I'm doing my best to try to focus on myself and moving on but it's hard to shut off the nagging feeling that says something else is going to happen. It's partly wishful thinking on my part but also partly knowing him so well and knowing based on the things he said when he reached out that he does still have feelings for me and he does have remorse/regrets.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this with an ADHD spouse who not only has an affair but essentially abandoned you for the affair partner when they hadn't actually even known the person long enough to form any kind of emotional attachment and it was likely impulsivity and the thrill of something new and exciting that led then to take off? If so did they eventually try to come back? Or for anyone who in general has experienced their spouse leaving for an affair partner who then eventually tried to come back, how long did that take? What did you do? Should I just sell the rights to the story to Hollywood and cut my losses? Mostly joking on that last one but if anyone knows a good screen writer hit me up ;) 

My wife is going for an evaluation in a few weeks to determine (it's obvious) if she has Adhd.   She clearly does.  I've begun reading all the information I can get my hands on about the subject and I want to be supportive but the more I read I get bitter and more frustrated about how this has impacted my life!  We've been together 20 years.  I've done so much to keep our household going over the years.  Working 60 hour weeks, running children everywhere, doing household chores that I don't have time to do while my wife has done so little and has never held a real job.   

We've talked about it and she seems onboard with being evaluated and getting treatment and that's all great.  I am happy about that.   But the more I learn the more bitter and more disappointed I get.   Has anyone else experienced this?   Is it normal to get this angry when you start learning about things?   All I see are all these problems that have persisted for years and I feel like I've had the patience of a saint through it all.  I know that's not fair, but it's how I feel. I feel like I've wasted most of my life parenting. an adult who didn't try and fought me on so many things.  I'm just so bitter about it, frustrated, and angry.  I'm guessing this isn't that unusual?  But I was curious if other people felt this way that went through years of undiagnosed, untreated Adhd and how you made peace with it. 

Thanks!

I recently came across this website and am currently reading ADHD effect on Marriage. I am grateful for these resources and this is my first post on here. I am the non-ADHD spouse and I have suffered immensely as a result of my wife's ADHD symptoms. She has also recently been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and I believe she take meds to address both conditions. She seems to be stabilized at the moment but the kicker is we have been separated for 4 years and now she is afraid to rock the boat and come back to the chaos of family life (she left me and 2 adolescent girls at home 4 years ago). Before I understood the effects of ADHD on marriage I thought we were simply "incompatible" but now that I'm aware I would really like to reconcile and make the marriage work. She has recently agree to couples counseling but nearly every interaction with her still leaves me feeling neglected, lonely and weak. When I bring up the prospects of her moving back she gets angry and defensive and feels like I'm pressuring her. I tell her how anxious it makes me and she does little/nothing to try to console me, despite my being very supportive of her mental health issues. It's the total lack of empathy that I can't handle. I'm falling apart emotionally but when I express that to her she gets stressed and places me at even greater arms length. She has shamed and insulted me about my anxiety despite her own MH issues, it is the height of irony and hypocrisy and it feels like we are living in alternate universes. I'm hoping couples therapy will help but even this gives me anxiety as she is apt to get angry and push me further away if I confront her on these (ADHD) issues. She is much more comfortable focusing on MY anxiety, controlling and (alleged) emotional abuse as it take the focus off her. I admit to acting poorly to her ADHD behavior because I was uneducated on this topic, together with my own anxiety, which caused me to lash out at her many times throughout our 21 year marriage. Does anyone have any advice to help soothe her and gentle reel her back in? If anyone can relate I would love to connect with you and maybe even talk offline if that's within the rules... sort of like one-to-one peer support as I feel this would be beneficial to both parties... thanks for listening and hope to get some feedback on this as I feel like I'm losing my mind!   

After a mutual agreement in May 2022 that my husband would no longer take household funds to support his business, he told me yesterday that he needs another $10,000 due to unforeseen circumstances. I said "no" and chaos ensued. I asked why he thought it was appropriate to take household funds despite our previous agreement -- he insists that since it is unforeseen circumstances that he should not have to beg for money that is "his" and that I should see his point and agree.

I am at a breaking point. I am 2 years away from retirement and am afraid this will continue until there is nothing left. I am very frugal and budget conscious. Husband was to have made a business budget and reviewed it with me by July 31, but once again has not even made any mention of it.

He has agreed to see a counselor again before opting for divorce. When I asked if he was looking for counselor with experience with ADD, he insisted that doctor who had previously diagnosed him was a quack, but he did come up with a list to review and even called someone and left message for an appointment. At that time, he took medication for a time, did not appear to help, so was discontinued; he now insists he never took medication.

I have removed him from our joint savings after I transferred funds for his business; I feel as if I have just given in to his bullying. While he is the most generous person I know, his business clients come first and I feel as if I am left to keep the household going while his business is in the red more often due to his consistent overspending.

Where do I go from here?  Do not want to divorce after 40 years, but feel he has no interest in being accountable for his actions.  By end of year, he will come into a large estate from death of both of his parents, and I am afraid that rather than a secure financial future that it will be frittered away by his lack of planning. 
 

How do I deal with problems when his response is "I do not recall saying or agreeing to that" or his convoluted justification for anything that he feels is necessary?