Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • The Wake Up Call ie: the pile is starting to smell too much for my taste by: Where Have All ... 2 years 3 months ago

    Its been 5 years of marriage and the past 2 years of sweeping "issues" under the rug have left me with a pile of dirt under a smelly rug....hmmm

    Anyone relate? Anyone coping? How... How do I cope with a marriage I have no idea how to cope with? 

    It was a quick courtship, quick engagement, dream like wedding and honeymoon and on our 1st year anniversary....me 5 months pregnant and a web of unresolved issues, it dawned on me that I did not have the marriage or life I had dreamed of. Something was wrong. My husband had briefly, casually, almost as a joke, mentioned he had been diagnosed with ADD and a slew of other things when he was 12 years old. But what active boy isn't diagnosed with ADD? So what? I didn't even consider it. 3 years in, me pregnant with our 2nd, a mountain of still unresolved merry-go-round issues, a circumstance happened that could have cost our 2 year old his life....caused by beloved Husband. That night, after a heated confrontation, me on the verge of loosing it, we slept in different beds. Something was deeply wrong. I couldn't brush this one off as "lazy husband..." or "he is so irresponsible...avoiding responsibility..." . I KNEW my husband would not intentionally put our child in danger. Where as so many of the other negligence I assumed was him intentionally ignoring things because he didn't want to do them, this was different. This one put me on my knees....God! What is going on! Answer me or I die...kind of prayer. The wake up call came at 3:30am on the dot. I woke from a dead sleep and heard in my heart: "It's ADD...I'm giving you a Spirit of Understanding." 

    Now, you may brush this off...please...God? Think what you will. We are all in our own place on the road of the journey of this life. And on my journey....God is proven thru years of proofs like this one...though it's been really rough and I feel lost in a wilderness. Yet, there are still miraculous answers to prayer...when I do pray... I'm holding a thread of hope... and the connection to God seems weak on my end.

    For weeks before this "wake up call" I had been specifically praying for a Spirit of Understanding. At 3:30am, I pondered over these words: Its ADD. I was baffled. I started to research, listen, read...I didn't go back to sleep. And then, I wept....I cried hard. I suddenly realized that when husband said, "I can't help it...I get distracted...I'm scatterbrained... I'm exhausted trying to focus..." he was actually telling the TRUTH!!! He wasn't lazy! He wasn't irresponsible. He truly had a chemical imbalance that caused his brain to see it ALL at once, and have no sticky note board in his mind like i do. Yeah, I had been a TOTAL jerk! I felt horrible. I felt enlightened, I felt grief because this was real. I felt strength because God was in this with me. I was not alone. But things needed to change. 

    Shortly after this wake up call, I sat down with my husband and deeply apologized for my behavior and expressed what I had realized. We both cried. He felt understood for the first time. But he was hesitant to own ADD as a medical thing that needed attention. "It is who I am...I'm just different. It's my character" he told me. I didn't push the issue. But I began learning what I could amidst raising and birthing children. I stopped believing the worst. Stopped expecting. Stopped nagging. Stopped questioning. I had my answer. But this didn't take away the ADD symptoms affecting our relationship. I began just letting them slide under that metaphorical RUG. The benefit of that has been it's been a mostly peaceful past 2 years. The fighting has lessened. But the truth is that the pile is huge and the RUG stinks and there IS fruit of the dysfunctional dynamics of our marriage.

    2 weeks ago, he shut down so dramatically that the scab of the wound of abandonment I feel in our relationship was ripped open and too great for me to ignore or bear. It crushed me in one day. Nothing was said about it....nothing was done. Life with 2 littles went on...I've learned that bringing up such issues does not resolve them but creates a jumbled mess of accusation and blame that merry-go-rounds into confusion and distress. Too much energy is wasted when I have so little of it. But now I'm back here on this forum. I've reached out for marital counseling specializing in ADHD, I've began reading again Melissa Orlov's book The ADHD Effect on Marriage and I've signed my husband up for a conference (still not sure how effective that one is going to be...he probably won't go. Expectation is low. Conference was free). I can't keep going on in this flow...a dried up brook that has no end. I've totally lost myself and have so little hope or joy left. I'm just an empty shell of what I was. 

    My husband's way of coping with his ADD since childhood was to simply switch off, as I call it. He abandons all responsibility, chills, gets alone in a forest or something, sits in quiet isolation and stares off into nothing and lets all the duty balls fall to the ground. Works when you're a single dude working a low expectation job and only rent to pay. Doesn't work so much when you are married and have 2 small boys with a leadership job and family who depends on you. He still hasn't figured out how to transition. I feel for him. But while he lays in bed sorting thru the anxiety he feels and watches videos and obsess over yet another hobby, I get to do ALL the dirty work.... food preparation and clean up, face wiping, butt wiping, discipline, clean up of splattered food all over dining room, training of children, dishes, lunch prep, play time, nap time, meal planning, bill paying, house cleaning, dinner prep, dinner clean up, did i mention clean up? shopping, appointments, basically everything besides working a paying job. He works hard and I tell him regularly how much I appreciate his hard work and why it means so much. But there's a slew of other work in life that, well, "he just can't handle"....so...he doesn't. Because that's how he copes. And I'm about spent. Friends ask, "will you have more kids?" How do I tell them the dynamics in our marriage that make me dread the thought of adding another child. It's a lonely, lonely place. I want to preserve my husband's dignity and respect to everyone we know. So who do I talk with? No one knows. There is one couple we've counseled with and knows this story. But even them, I believe doubts the reality of these symptoms and doesn't really know what they mean anyhow. 

    When I do lay tasks at husband's feet to handle, they are not done, or mishandled, or just all together neglected because "he can't handle it".I hate saying it but I do not depend on him at all whatsoever. He's totally un-reliable. And that's a horrible feeling for a wife to have. I feel like a single mom oftentimes. And the lack of closeness with us is injuring us beyond words. He grieves the distance and disunity probably more than me. My cope strategy tends towards avoid and pull up your britches and 'git er done'. Not good for closeness. But I don't know what else to do. One thing I do know...I can't do this for another 40 years.

    Hoping....reaching....hoping he will go to this free conference for himself.... and find something he needed...hoping to find a good counselor to help....hoping for change....hoping he'll listen to me read Orlov's book so we can learn....hoping against hope..."God, who gives LIFE to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did; who contrary to hope, in hope believed" (Romans 4:17, 18) Now, there's hope.

    I don't know that I have any questions for any readers who got this far... Mostly, I think this blog post was for me, just to vent the pile of dirt under the RUG because I'm so crushed, and have no where or no one to turn to and feel so trapped. And maybe, perhaps, another one of this lovely community will be able to read this and relate and cry and know you too are not alone. That in itself is a great comfort isn't it? I know it has been a life-line for me. Blessed be the...God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (2 Corinthians 1:3,4)

  • The time is now! by: PHK803 2 years 3 months ago

    Hey all,

    I will start out saying my wife and I have been married going on 5 years and we have been together for over 6 with being good friends for 5 years before that. We have a beautiful almost 3 year old daughter and another child on the way. My wife is one of the most hardworking people I know and put other people needs before her own. I love my wife to death but as of lately I feel like I have completely have failed her and my family.

    I was diagnosed with ADHD just over a year ago and have been prescribed medication for it. I am the type of person that gets very scatter brained even with taking my medication. I work in a high stress job that sometimes I can be up for a 24 hour period and then I come home and have to keep going without much rest due to the fact my wife is working or we have things that need to get done, or I just want to spend time with my wife.

    This is where I have started to feel like I can't do anything right. My wife and I have gotten into more arguments of lately because she feels like I don't listen to her. I will admit sometimes my brain is just jumping from one thing to the next and I forget what she says and I hate to ask her what she said because I feel guilty knowing that I wasn't giving her my full attention. I do things that I think are what she wants and when I do that it ends up blowing up in my face because I didn't ask her how she wanted it done or I take it away from her when she wanted to do it. I feel as I am about to lose her and I don't know what I would do without her. I know she feels like a broken record because we seem to have this argument every few months and I start doing better but then I guess I get complacent and fall in the same rut. 
     

    My marriage means the absolute world to me and my family is everything. I want to me the best I can be and be a reliable husband and father.

    Does anyone have any advice on how to keep myself on track?

    Any advice on how to have a discussion with a spouse who seems at the end of their straw and is tired of hearing apologies?

     

     

     

  • Is there something "stronger" than verbal cues? by: ablestoi 2 years 3 months ago

    My wife (non-adhd) and I (adhd) agreed to use verbal cues, but she feels like she uses them and I don't pick up on them. I feel like we don't really use them, even though we agreed to. So I perhaps I am too distracted when she uses verbal cues. As an example, say "you're doing the thing you do; stop doing the thing you do" is the verbal cue, she believes she says this, I don't feel like hear this and therefore don't stop. Granted I think we will try to come up with some better cues, but I'm wondering:

    1. Is there something stronger than a mere verbal cue? 

    2. Are there tips for getting them to work when first getting started using them?

    3. Are there techniques/alternatives for when verbal cues fail to work? 

    Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

  • Grasping at straws by: PhoenixOfOz 2 years 3 months ago

    Let me start by saying my partner and I are currently in a co-parent relationship. Have been separated but living together for a year. Been together 8 years, never married.

    I was just diagnosed as an adult age 40, was originally diagnosed at age 6 but never knew..

    She was diagnosed as a child with adhd and was medicated until we met. When we met she was having a problem with controlling her meds. She decided to come off her meds all together. ( I know now why this was easier to do, a new relationship filled the dopamine void). We had a few ups and downs over the next 3 years. Then we added a child, and 13 months later, another one.

    The time between the first and second child was a bit of a transition, but we handled it well. But with the second child, came postpartum depression. And I didn't handle it well at all. I was too distant when she needed me close. We had been arguing  a bit more and I had a hard time hugging someone whom just berated me. I didn't take adhd and postpartum in to consideration. I truly regret not handling this better. Looking back I think my adhd made me focus more on taking as much weight off her as I could, and sometimes it overwhelmed me. She just needed to be told its ok and be held. 

    As I listened to "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" that I realized that I was both the adhd an non adhd partner. Being untreated I had no idea why we kept going in the same loop of arguing. Why we never finished a conversation, even if it was super important. It would fall into our "Now/Not Now"  and we forget about it until the next argument, then they combine and snowball into a huge mess. Even then, it rarely gets resolved because we walk away to calm down. By the time we have we have to move on to our next daily task or interact with our 2 small children. 

    All of the big things we have never really truly dealt with. We've tried but it just brings up old hurts, and so much time has passed, our memories of the same event are widely different sometimes. Depending on how many times we've recounted it. So now we have these giant issues we are having trouble getting past.

    Since our separation last year we have traveled around the country in our converted Rv. One of our major plans fell apart at the beginning of that trip and that was pretty much the final straw. She ended it. But I didn't really take it seriously because we were still together on the road. Still acting like the family we always had. Things were still very rough between us though. 

    Now we are in one location and have been for 6 months. We still live together. Have had many ups and downs since getting here. I found out about 2 months ago she has been talking to and seeing someone else. Once I found out I confronted the situation, but it is still ongoing. I know we are separated, but we are in each other's daily lives. She has only seen him in person a few time, but the phone thing has been going on for months.

    I got my diagnosis shortly after I found out about all of this. Since then I have been trying to figure out how to resolve our issues and move forward with our relationship. I have been working hard to figure out my own adhd and seeing how it affected us in the past. As well as figuring out ways to help our combined adhds' mesh better.. I'm having a hard time getting "buy in" from her to even try to work on us though. Both of our kids are literally just like us, most likely both have adhd as well.

    I've looked into the love languages as well. I think that if you and/or your partner has adhd that you add "Words of Affirmation" to your communication skills. Partners with adhd are commonly told they aren't good enough at some point in their day. Just remember to appreciate them by telling them. Also an adhd brain will probably be bilingual, meaning their top two languages will probably resonate, depending on the day they are having.. 

    I'm looking for some ways to help save my family. How can I help her to be more open to listening? Its been 8 years together. Its been 4 ish months of the new thing. I need her to see that we can get past this, especially with the new knowledge and tools we have to succeed.

    Advice Welcome,

    Phoenix

  • Discussing and making plans by: Angie_H 2 years 3 months ago

    Hi,

       I have a constant struggle with my husband about making plans and honoring them. 1. He doesn't really listen when we talk. 2. When I do our evening check in, he doesn't tell me he has any plans for tomorrow, and he says yes to what I propose. 3. The next morning he announces he has to do this, that or another thing, and it's urgent and can't be postponed. 4. We re-negotiate our plan for the day, usually with some frustration and hard feelings.

       This morning we had a minor argument. He said he isn't forthcoming when we do our evening check in because he doesn't want to create an argument. Then he plans he will simply fit in his things around what he agreed with me. His "fitting in" other things always disrupts our plans.

       I've tried many different ways to get him to pay attention and participate in the check in. I ask him to tell me what he plans to do or wants to do the next day. Nothing works. I get constant surprises, and many of our agreed plans fall through. Yesterday I told him I'm going to our daughter's home this afternoon to help her with a minor repair project. He said he wants to go, but he agreed to do some repairs for a friend. He told me he would go see our friend early and only spend 1-2 hours there. Today he got up late and read for a while, then settled in to surf the internet and watch the news on TV simultaneously. Next he set to doing something before going, and now he made coffee, read while he drank it, and went upstairs. Now he came back and proposed we do our daughter's repair differently than what she requested, which led to some discussion, and now our friend called to see why he didn't show up at her house.

       I'm curious if anyone in this group has a better strategy for making plans and sticking to them.

    Thank you,

    Angie

  • ADHD an Trauma by: Leslie17 2 years 3 months ago

    My husband and  I have been together for 20 years. We have been married for 5 1/2 years. I have always known he has had issues due to extreme childhood abuse. There's no question in my mind he suffers from ADHD in addition to history. He sees a therapist of his own. I see mine and occasionally we both see his.  My therapist beloved very strongly he has adhd and his therapist is dealing with the trauma. He is not being treated for ADHD cannot take medication. I am constantly the one in charge of everything. I have lists, reminders and basically take care of everything. He has huge debt and we are not kids.  I'm exhausted and resentful. I look around at others and don't see this in their marriages.  This week after 20 years came the biggest shock. He did not know where I went to college initially, What my major was or which industry I worked on upon graduation. The more I spoke to him the more he didn't know.   I feel  like I've been talking to myself that last 20 years. I am exhausted and stressed out. He is lovely man, intelligent and has a very big heart and constantly blames the trauma and says he wants to change. He never argues with me about the things I point out but I know it could never be fixed and I don't know if I can live  that way the rest of my life. I suffer from chronic anxiety and this not helping. 

  • I’m scared my partner might give up on me. by: kkay 2 years 3 months ago

    Hey everyone. I'm so glad I found this forum, because I've been trying so hard to find the support I'm not getting from my partner. 
    I've been with my wife (they/them) for about 6 years. Married just a little over a year ago. I am a 30 year old woman diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago. 
    We've always had turmoil in our relationship, but being diagnosed gave me great insight to why I do what I do... or don't do. 
    I own that I haven't been a consistent partner. A lot of times I say I'll do something and forget to follow through. I've had the hardest time communicating with them. I am very sensitive to the tone they speak or their body language. I feel like I have to mask or hide things I want to say for fear it will be challenged, or I'll say something I wasn't supposed to say and that cause my wife to get triggered. They try to explain how I make them feel or hold me accountable, but do it so passionately. They are also VERY good with words and expressing how they feel so eloquently that it's intimidating and triggering to me at the same time. Because of that, I constantly feel the need to defend myself, even when I'm wrong. I feel like i can take accountability when I'm spoken to with patience and grace, but my wife says they have no patience left to give. They are fed up with me being inconsistent, impulsively defending myself or saying things I can't take back, and not being a safe space for all these years. Even with my late diagnosis, a very trying multi-faceted career and me being the sole household income (they have chronic pain/illness so it's hard for them to find work), I can't help but feel so alone and misunderstood. I don't have family in my life to lean on for support or guidance, so I'm left alone trying to be consistent for my wife, myself and my career. I REALLY need patience and understanding as I break annoying or toxic patterns, but I'm scared I'm too late. I feel this heavy weight on my heart because I wish they could be the patient, understanding partner I need. I thought my diagnosis would help give them some patience, but it's been the opposite. I don't know what else to do but continue to try and follow through. It just feels at this point I follow through one or two times, it goes unnoticed. But the next time I don't quite get it right, that gets magnified. It's exhausting and it makes me not want to try. I don't know what I can do to win back their love. We haven't touched in over a year, we don't even kiss. I'm forced to sleep on the couch. I'm feeling so desperate and alone, and im sure they feel the same. I hate this feeling of power that they unintentionally hang over me. I'm constantly feeling like a child that's getting reprimanded everytime they speak to me. It makes it so hard to even want to be consistent. I don't know what else I can do at this point. Any advice is helpful. 
    Thank you.

  • Ready to Walk...Again by: DevastatedGirl 2 years 3 months ago

    Every single time I locked myself in the bedroom, through tears of sadness and anger, my Google searches have led me here. Every time, I found kindred spirits in all the women dealing with ADHD husbands, and there was some solace in knowing I was not alone. Then, as every other time before, he would make a bid for connection, and I would accept. There would be promises, empty ones for sure, but they soothed me for a while, and he managed to keep it together for a handful of days, mostly until the hurt on my part passed, and then he would go back to the same behaviors and attitudes that brought me to this site. This time, I registered because I feel that there may be nothing he will say or do that can change things. This time, I may be ready to walk, so I guess I may need some support from those who have been through this.

    A little background. We have been together for 15 years. Things were never great, but we both wanted it enough that I ignored the red flags and he put up with my displeasure and with me telling him what to do. It was not long before things got worse. He was only diagnosed a few years ago. Instead of it being a source of relief that there was a reason, he took it really hard, did not want anyone to know, and became even more negative about how life is unfair to him. I have a really hard time with people who adopt a victim mentality. I have my own medical issues, but I have never let that slow me down. I am very successful, and I tend to be positive and believe that we can choose how we deal with everything that comes our way. He is currently in therapy, with someone I don't think is particularly effective, and only because I told him he needed to work on this if he wanted to stay together. It has not gotten better, and I don't think it will.

    Our problems are both about the everyday stuff and the deeper, more love-related stuff. In terms of the household, he is disorganized, he makes piles of everything, he can't seem to put anything back in its place, he cleans, but not well (bare minimum effort), and it takes prodding and arguments most of the time, and things that are not on his list are just off his radar, which leaves me with the labor of being his mom or manager. On top of that, whenever I have to ask for something or point something out, something I do not get any enjoyment out of and would prefer not to do, he gets activated, and there is heavy sighing, eye-rolling, hunching over like he's been asked to go wrestle an alligator from the swamp from dinner. He complains that he does most of the work, but I work twice as hard as he does, make twice what he does, and pay for a lot of things. Not only that, the labor of managing him is a lot, and he doesn't recognize that. On top of that, I have always been the one to organize anything social, plan all trips, dates, etc., and I can't count on him for help with any of that. He understands what the issue is, but he refuses to consider solutions. Then there is the emotional part. He doesn't initiate anything physical. He will hug when hugged, but he does not seem to have a real interest in a lot of contact. We have not had sex in the last six years and I can't remember the last time we made out. I am a sexual person, but I am no longer attracted to him because I think of him as an overgrown child, a project, and also because he does not make me feel wanted, loved, desired sexually, or seen in any way. He's forgotten my birthday and our anniversary, he has bought me really bad gifts, and he can be pretty cheap. He can also have very hurtful attitudes and say hurtful things. He makes unilateral decisions after making promises and does what he thinks is better regardless of having given me his word. He has lied about just about every aspect of our life together as well. He also lies and minimizes issues in therapy, which means it's all pretty worthless. He is selfish and he makes my life harder in every way. I understand these are all issues that can be related to the diagnosis, but when I see him act like a different person with friends or at work, I am reminded that this is also something on which he can work. I have asked him repeatedly to spend time doing research on how to change things around. There is so much out there in terms of help nowadays. He is a smart man, but he will only put effort when it's something that matters to him...which I guess means me, us, this family, we are just not important.

    I am not without blame. I have become the epitome of what I never wanted to be...the so-called nag, and he'll tell you all about that and my fits of anger. He'll tell the therapist plenty. I have become angry, and it has started to affect my other relationships because my unhappiness seeps into everything. I have become more physically unwell because I cope by eating and watching TV as I escape. I yell when I have asked for the same thing for the 500th time. And I can also say mean things. I am not proud of that, and I am working through that in therapy. I am a live wire, though. I am exhausted, sad, angry, and disappointed. I don't want to hurt him. I want him to be happy, and I think he would be happier without me, or at least with someone who does not have as many needs or expectations. I know a huge problem is we both have so much resentment, but I can't see that changing. I tried the strategy of not pointing out mistakes. He just becomes more brazen about them because now no one is getting on his case. It hasn't yielded a lessening of the resentment or more responsiveness on his part. We have seen 6 therapists. Not one has been able to move the needle. My therapist asks me why I stay. It's a combination of things, as everything. I feel sorry for him. I worry he will decline, even if I think he could have a better life without me. He plays the victim when we fight and has the poor me, long face, hunched shoulders, soft hurt voice down-pat. I also worry I will miss the companionship, and thanks to our culture and media, I also worry that I will end up alone, even if I have come to understand that this would not be worse than where I am now.

    So, we are at that point again, where we had a huge blowout, I said things cannot hold like this, and he is doing his best impression of a loving man who cannot please his shrew of a wife, even after I remind him of the fact that I have never lied, and I have, for example, never left her to fend for himself in a foreign land so I could go get drunk at a bar or neglected to check in on him at the hospital after an operation. Somehow, I am the one at fault because I can't just leave things well alone and be okay with a dirty, disorganized home, a sexless marriage, and a feeling of not being important at all. I have started looking at places to rent, but the process is rough, and I fear that the nuisance of it all combined with his sorry-for-myself act will make me stay for another few years.

    That is all for now. Thanks for your honesty all these years as you write about your lives. It's been very helpful.

    Much love.

    Devastated Girl

     

     

  • Feeling like both sides of the coin by: D-P-T117 2 years 3 months ago

    My husband and I have been together for almost 10 yers, married for 8, and have a 3.5 year old son (who i am convinced has ADHD-H like his uncle)

     

    So, i have ADHD. I didn't get diagnosed until last year (I'll be 38 this year) and it was a huge relief. I'm sure its been stated before that when you've felt like a loser POS F-up (internally and unbeknownst to anyone) for the majority of your life, finding out your brain is legitimately broken (something I've been telling people as an excuse for the last 10 years as i got tired of saying "sorry im such a mess" all the time)  is quite a relief. So i did the standard hyperfocus thing and learned alot through podcasts when i was driving without anyone else in the car, sending my husband ones that meant a lot to me and i hoped kight explain why i was such a mess to him. And he would never listen to them (he would admit he forgot or didnt have time which to me is a fib and a half since we had the same commute home and i usually had our son in the car.) And so this was the pattern. I would lesrn something that made perfect sense as to why i was failing at something and ways i could try to correct it and how my spouses support would help bolster my resolve and he wouldnt listen to it. Well, i stopped sending the podcasts because i got tired of asking and hearing the same things. 

    While i was learning about all this awful yet fascinating stuff about myself, i started recognizing symptoms/habits that matched things that my husband does that drive me BATSH!T. Like, i cant do chores to save my life, and i literally forget that anything else exists except what i am currently focusing on pretty frequently.  Medicine has helped, but I'm still riding that adjustment Rollercoaster due to doctoe changes... anyway....  back on the track.... my husband has no impulse control when it comes to buying things he wants (i have some but should not be unchaparoned for long periods of time in a store. I know this and thus diligently get the things on my list without looking around the store and gtfo) he also has no ability to plan or make decisions he feels are not important (whats for dinner i ask, food he says. I die inside a little every time he says that.)

     

     I know he feels like the "non-adhd spouse" because he is a clean freak and cant stand mess or things being untidy. So instead of asking me to help clean the kitchen that i forgot existed, he gets mad and angry cleans by himself and then tells me i live like a pig. And i get mad and frustrated that even though i told him and used my words that his uncalculated/unplanned/unbudgetted purchases make me extremely anxious he just does it anyway and i get loud and angry and ask him wtf he was thinking.... we both say or produce mean things/vibes and i get that.

     

    i don't know how to tell him i feel like he has ADHD.

    I dont know how (or which) to prioritize; being the ADHD spouse or the Non-Adhd spouse.

    Im working my way through Rebuilding your relationship in 6 steps but every situation i am both sides of the coin. And i dont know what to do and it saddens me.

     

    Help.

  • Alone together by: MarriedandaloneNC 2 years 3 months ago

    I have discovered there is nothing more lonely than having a spouse who doesn't acknowledge your pain. 

    Married 26 years next month. 

    Was visiting our home town last week and on Saturday I get up to use the restroom as old men do. I remember putting my hand on the wall and recall the texture. The next thing I remember is being on all fours and staring at the hem of her pajama pants. Apparently I passed out. Fell and hit the toilet and bruised several ribs pretty good and banged my elbow on something. 

    In the process I knocked a planted off the back and broke the garbage can.

    My spouse's reaction? Irritation about the garbage can. "What the hell is going on in here". All I could say was I fell down and I crawled on all fours to the bed. I was in a state ofsheer terror in pain disoriented sweating hyperventilating. Not once did she ask if I needed anything, was I ok, do I need to call the hospital nothing. She did get up 3 more times to make sure the garbage can was picked up and the floor was swept. Then went back to sleep. I got up and moved to a chair because laying down was excruciating. When she woke up at 7 and I was in the chair...nothing no comment no concern. Was more concerned with explaining the garbage can to her parents. This is the third time in the last few years something similar has happened and the response has always been the same 

    I know my ADHD effects how I see people's reaction and.my brain creates its own narrative. I tried to bring it up today and her response was "well it was 1am do you know how confused I was" then "why are you picking a fight about it"  so here I sit wondering if my feelings are even valid or if it's all in my head. 

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