Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • ADHD related or just otherwise frustrating behavior? by: allyourbrokenluck 1 year 10 months ago

    My husband's default excuse or argument is always that he "forgot." 
     

    It is always he couldn't do the dishes because he always forgets. He didn't do laundry because he forgot. He didn't call the school to let them know one of the kids was home sick because he forgot. he wasn't ready on time to go because he forgot. 
     

    Which... A. I could see being a struggle, sure, but if I bring up the fact there's not any additional ways he tries to actively remember anything it becomes a bigger argument. For example if I ask about leaving visual notes, setting an alarm, looking into medication... "He doesn't need extra reminders." 
     

    and B. This excuse is solely for me and the kids. He can remember all of his appointments and make it on time. He remembers to call and cancel or update things for himself. He remembers he's going to his friend's, what parts he needs to buy for a go cart needing fixed. Which makes me feel like it's more on purpose and/or maybe he just remembers what's important which is anything but his family. 
     

    And when we were dating his house was picked up. He cooked cleaned all of it just fine. So it feels a lot of the time like it's just he doesn't do anything he knows someone is there to catch the fall for and take care of. 
     

    im just to the point of hopeless. 

  • Frustrating in being the "identified patient" by: sandman57 1 year 10 months ago

    I'm a 57 yr old man diagnosed w ADHD in my forties. I've been married 14 years and we have a 12 yr old daughter. This is the first marriage for both of us. In the beginning, our vast differences (her type A personality and my left brain ADHD) were complimentary and sometimes funny. We even worked together for a few years at my creative agency. But after about 5 years, as the household and familial challenges increased, our differences began to divide us. What I'm struggling with is, I feel I'm mindful and respectful about how my ADHD can be disruptive and a source of our various disputes, but when is it OK for me to stand up for myself and say, "OK, I've owned this. But it frustrates me to always have a finger pointing at me and my ADHD when something is 'wrong' between us."  In addition to having ADHD, I'm a pretty decent guy that exhibits and behaves in many neurotypical ways. Does anyone else struggle with this? 

  • Cycles by: swampyankee 1 year 10 months ago

    Is it normal to experience ups and downs in terms of ADHD symptoms?

    My husband is in denial but almost certainly has ADHD, but there are periods of time, especially after an especially big screw up but, also just in general, where he exhibits better control (or is it just masking?) of his symptoms.

    It's crazy making for me.  We've gone through a bit of time where's he's been pretty even-keeled emotion-wise and pretty reliable otherwise but...this last week was a s*** show culminating with today's complete disaster which resulted in a late dinner, an overdrawn checking account and two stressed out parents. (One of whom was stressing the other out due to unmanaged ADHD behavior)

    I, of course, blew up, making me the bad guy.

    I suspect we'll go back to a period of "normal" until something else comes up.

    Are the ups and downs normal?

  • Is it time to give up? by: Tired girl 1 year 10 months ago
  • ADHD and screen addiction by: Heather04468 1 year 10 months ago

    My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we have 2 kids (ages 11 and 3). My husband was diagnosed with ADHD last summer at the age of 36. He was prescribed medication which he took for about 6 months, then abruptly stopped taking it and said he didn't like the way it made him feel. His screen usage has always been a major issue throughout our relationship. When we first met it was video games. He would play every day for hours and hours. Over the years it has morphed to other things, but now he spends most of his free time on online gambling sites buying and selling sports cards. He is an admin in many of the sites and he is literally glued to his phone monitoring the activities of these sites. We have had countless conversations about his screen usage, especially during the limited time we have during the day with our kids (we both work full-time). I frequently have to ask him to get off of his phone during meals or while the kids are trying to talk to us or seek our attention. Not only do I feel his usage is excessive, but I also don't feel he is setting a good example for our children. Our daughter is also diagnosed with ADHD and I want her to be able to regulate her own screen usage when she is an adult. My husband does not see any problems with his actions and every time I try to talk to him about it he always justifies it in some way or it turns into an argument. I am tired of feeling like I come second to a cell phone. Has anyone had any success dealing with this specific issue in their relationship and how did you solve it? We have tried establishing time limits or keeping certain times of the day "screen free" but it never works for long.

  • Conversations ALWAYS end in a fight by: How Long will t... 1 year 10 months ago

    This forum has helped me maintain my sanity for years! I haven't posted in years, but I have to vent. Does anyone else experience this? A simple conversation seems to always end in a fight and here's an example:

    I came home from work the other day and dh says he's been doing some yard work and pulled up some old landscaping bricks and wondered where I wanted him to put them. I said behind the garage out of sight. Then he said well I see you have others back there in some kind of pattern, do you want me to do the same. I said no it doesn't matter to me as long as they are out of sight. But he kept asking over and over and I kept giving him the same answer- it really doesn't matter as long as they are out of sight. He persisted so long that I finally got frustrated and quit answering him. He then wanted to know what was wrong and I told him that he continually beats a dead horse when it comes to communicating and it is very frustrating. I asked him why he couldn't be satisfied with the answer I gave him. He said because he didn't like my answer. And I said - and there you have it. You just explained our entire communication process. 

    I just don't understand the constant push, push push in a simple conversation as "where do you want the bricks". This happens with everything that we talk about. He will go on and on and when I get frustrated with him he has no idea why. I used to say Stop, please just stop. But that would make him very angry. So now I just quit talking when he gets repetitive. That seems to confuse him.

    That same night he told me that the dog crate I had in the garage was in his way. I asked him where he would like me to put it and he just kept lecturing me about how it was in his way. (Mind you it had been there for over a month). It was like he was looking for something to complain about because he was frustrated with our earlier conversation. He lectured me about that crate to the point that I was crying and hyperventilating. All he had to do was tell me his preferred place to put the crate. I am a very accommodating person. He never did tell me where he wanted me to put the crate.

    He told me he keeps his communication with me to a minimum because I always get so frustrated. He doesn't see that he pushes me there. BTW, we've been married 27 years and I truly am exhausted!

    3/14/2023 UPDATE: So Dh and I had a long talk about our communication skills and I brought up this brick scenario as an example. HE HAD NO RECOLLECTION OF IT!!! PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS PHENOMENON! 

     

  • Finances and support for non- ADD spouse by: po1027 1 year 10 months ago

    Hello,

    Thanks so much to this community.  I don't even know where to begin.  I fell in love with my recently adult-diagnosed ADD husband and like many of us had the life-changing, you are my soulmate romance.  I call it the Summer of Love.  WE got married after 1.5 years and moved into a large home becasue my husband has a lot of equipment and stuff from his former business, and marriage. After being married for four years last January my ADD husband and I went to couples therapy and did some of our individual work too.  Unbekmost to me he went off of his medication (adderall), and blamed me for our bills being so high (I accept part of that), but also was so confused because the less I spent, the less he earned.  He admits to stopping to care about work becuase he says that it would never be enough. He is self (sole) employed and if he isn't at his desk working then no money comes in.  I came into the marriage with some of my own money but I have had to sell stock and went through my cash savings to also pay for bills. Right now he is taking an occasional dose of adderall becuase he doesn't like the side effects but also doesn't want to try other meds or pay the exorbitant price for it.  At 61 he has absolutely zero dollars in savings, other than what's in our home, which we each own equally.  He has agreed to take the couples group seminar with me in a few weeks.  He is in denial about his ADD and how it has affected our financial safety and our marriage.  I did speak with a financial advisor and an attorney and they both told me to get out of the marriage asap, because if he has other debt or gets sick or whatever I am on the line for his debts.  Have any of you been in a similar position?  Did the ADD spouse learn to see their actions and change?  I'd love some feedback and support.  I will be taking the non-add group seminar, and can't wait for both seminars to get started.  We own a truck camper and have a loan on it and he insists on going skiing midweek so that he doesn't have to deal with the crowds. He put in a Starlink for the internet so that he could work but of course, he gets into relaxation mode after skiing.  Help, please. 

  • If I could turn back time by: Anne52 1 year 10 months ago

    I'm so tired. Tired of having the same arguments, tired of the loneliness, tired of always being the bad guy. Husband is diagnosed and usually takes medication. We've been together for 10 years, lived together for 7, married for 5. We have 6 kids, 3 his, 3 mine. My oldest is out of the house, my middle has Down syndrome, youngest is graduating this year. His oldest is out of the house (but has ADD), his middle has cut him off and lives with his mom full-time, his youngest is 16. Odds were stacked against us. I thought our love was strong enough to persevere. I should have known better. We should not have moved in together until our kids were older or even gone. We parent very differently and that alone has led to numerous fights and struggles. His kids were never disciplined, so when I expected them to do chores or help out around the house, I was being 'abusive'. I will never forget that - he accused me of abusing his children because I expected them to help (they were all over the age of 10). After that, I disengaged. I had no voice. I took care of the house, plans, bills, my boys, my job, all the while making sure I kept the peace, neglecting myself and resenting him. Not 2 years into our marriage, I found text messages between him and another woman, planning an intimate encounter while I was out of town. Sadly, I was not surprised. He insisted he called it off before anything happened. Says he couldn't go through with it. Not sure if I ever really believed him - my first marriage ended b/c of his infidelity. Destroyed me and had/have lots of trust issues. This did not help. But somehow we moved on. Fell back into our same routines, same arguments, same struggles. And here we are. My son with Down's will always be with me. My husband thinks he'll eventually fly the coop like the others.  I sometime wonder if my husband thinks he's faking his disability because he does not give him any leeway and has unachievable expectations for him. This morning, I walked in on my husband berating my son for not answering a question to his liking. This is not the first time, but something in me snapped. Mama bear came out and took over. I used a 'tone'. And my husband got very nasty. I have boundaries around that - I was taking my son out anyway, but we left. I received a text saying that he was shocked at the way I spoke to him and irritated because he felt I was being stubborn. We've been dancing around each other all day. But I think tonight I'm going to tell him that I'm done. I will always defend my son. Always. He will always be my responsibility. He will always need defending. I would rather spend my time and mental energy on finding ways to help my child than ensuring my husband's feeling don't get hurt and suffering the consequences and feeling like I don't matter. He is not abusive, but he is a bully. And I'm tired. I need to find myself again. I'm sad because I love him. It hurts to think about letting go. But I just don't think I can do this anymore.

  • Help: Mental health support, burnt out by: Elliej 1 year 10 months ago

    I wanted other non-ADHD partner views on whether their mental health has been significantly impacted by their ADHD partner?

    Ive been with my partner (now separated) for 18years. He had undiagnosed ADHD until 3months ago. The interrupting, blameshifting, forgetfulness, impulsivity, wreckless behaviour etc has had a significant impact on me. I feel i altered my reality to justify behaviour that shouldnt have been justified. I took on the ADHD reality of: its a joke, theres no intent, im not telling you youre wrong (despite most things i say he has an opposing view, tells me "thats not it", "actually its this", "i dont think so"). This meant i downplayed everything. I was in denial for 10years. Now i feel awake and im devastated. 

    Ive had anxiety, denial, depression and possibly PTSD. Has anyone felt this or essentially lost themselves or ignored their gut feelings? 

  • Facing the Truth by: Where Have All ... 1 year 10 months ago

    This afternoon, I picked up my ADHD Effect on Marriage book again and read a bit. It is always so hard to read this book because my ADD husband refuses to seek any form of treatment, but says "it's just his personality". I married him and so I just need to deal with who he is. Plain and simple. It's very defeating. And the truth is....I spend every spare moment of my life trying to escape reality. I can't sleep at night. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I am very very isolated and alone in this. And I have 2 young children. Recently I got a prescription for anti-depressants and I'm actually really looking forward to possibly feeling better. I don't look at all the fragments of my life very often. I can't. It's very, very hard. It feels like a black hole that has no way out. Not at all what I expected my life to be. The dynamics in our marriage have affected us both as well as close friendships. There are more medical issues that have affected our relationship as well, that cannot be shared openly either. My husband continues in old coping mechanisms he's used since childhood and they have not translated well into marriage and family. He is very reclusive and angry. It breaks my heart to see the continual struggle he lives in and how he does nothing to help himself. There is almost a self-destructiveness there that I don't understand. He is a sweet father and plays so well with his boys. I truly enjoy being with him and his playful nature. But so many other things are just....wonky....off kilter and chaotic. Honestly, I never dreamed I'd be in a place where I was taking a pill to feel better and survive in life. But here I am...unable to change the tornado I am linked to in marriage and desperate to find some footing. This has truly been the most difficult thing in my life outside of being a mother. There are so many wonderful things about my husband, but I don't know how to balance those with the craziness and lack of marital support. 

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