This year has just been so bad.   I had my annual freakout where I started thinking about moving out, but settled for announcing that I just couldn't do it all and that I was overwhelmed and it wasn't fair.   So ADHD husband did pick up some slack, but I still had to re-clean before guests came over, and now to protests from the family while I did it (yes, you did vacuum, but you didn't make sure the vacuum picked everything up and the floor is covered with popcorn).   But then he didn't get me a Christmas gift and on Christmas morning everyone opened ALL the gifts I purchased them and I just sat there and watched. And then I had to be the holiday cruise director.   Finally, last night husband was doing the one thing I have passed on to him (taking the kids to music lessons) and it was a mess because when I added him to the emails with the music teacher, he was only replying to me and not the teacher and she had no idea we were continuing with the lessons.  

It's so much.  I'm tired of having to be involved with every detail of everything.  

There seem to be lots of support groups for couples where one of the members has ADHD. Lots of advice given...I find very little on the situation of both partners having ADHD! I believe this situation poses special challenges, and would love to hear from others who are in the same boat as me. Additionally, ADHD often exists in tandem with other issues (C-PTSD, high functioning Autism, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder...etc). The challenges are immense. I've managed to hang in there through 30+ years of marriage, but Covid killed my few social outlets. I feel isolated, lonely, unsupported, and like I am loosing myself. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have experiences to share? Are there any success stories out there? I am very happy to meet anyone with similar challenges.

Scanning over the lists of post titles as I have fairly often the past nine years or so...The prevalent common theme is just desperate people seeking answers that might lighten the burden they find them selves under because of failed communication attempts, and of course our view of why "spousal behaviors". I have plenty of empathy for most of the posters here...I to live with a wife (15 yrs) who is high level add....So there isn't much I read here that shocks me, or I haven't been subjected to, are see often still....What I have learned to do is what we all must learn to do, if we continue to take residence with our add spouses, and desire a peaceful life that is....I have learned what is possible in each moment, and in each area of life...Most of us who can and do live a somewhat normal existence, who marry people who will never have the capability to perform "life" as we can...(organized, thoughtful, responsible)...And that in it self isn't totally bad, but it does call for acceptance of reality!...(Hugely different realities in most cases I might add) And that is your job, because if you think someone who is mostly limited in communication ability, (esp. concerning facts about themselves) is going to guide this wisdom train of ownership of differences, then your dreaming, or quiet naive.....Most of the problems I read about on this site is directly related to people who can exist normally, expecting those who can't, and never will, to change...lol, it's not happening...Now people can change deliberate behaviors when they see the need, but, THEY must feel convictions to do so, you and I pointing it out will only drive them away, or make it worse...AND most things add related isn't chosen or deliberate, it's the result of fixed brain function...

Based on my experience's and what I've read, working marriages where high level add is present in one partner, isn't something many find themselves willing or able to grasp, the long suffering of it all, the acceptance that your marriage relationship will be designed around strict boundaries, and highly limited in communication and sharing...This type of reality and effort is so debilitating to our families, emotions, psyche, and physical health in many cases, hope is easily lost...There are several posters on this site, that have broken free from their spouses, but, struggle to break free from the damage they incurred to their minds and emotions for having to walk away from someone they loved.....

But, if you are willing to respect difference's, set boundaries, and not participate in area's of life where you know conflict and chaos is a very high probability (no matter how 2 normal minded people can and do function) then many of us can find what is possible for our unique relationships, and still maintain our peace...

Blessings and Happy New Year to all!

c

Hi.  New here.  My husband has ADHD.  He was diagnosed as a teen, didn't like and quit the medicine a couple of months later, and refuses to contemplate treatment of any sort now.  We've been together nearly 17 years, married almost 4years.  The same time we married, our (my) youngest moved out and we were alone for the first time since moving in together after 10 years long distance.  All of the behaviors I'm struggling with were there the whole time, but I tried to deal with them, thinking it was the stress of having 3 teenagers or trying to adjust to living together or just learning each other better.  

It was so easy when we were long distance.  When I traveled to him, there were no responsibilities, and I was able to relax and have fun.  When he traveled to me, he would do such nice things... cook dinner every night and have it waiting on me when I got home from work, take care of the kids while I worked, help with laundry and household stuff, keep up with schedules and appointments and remember who had what when.  He's always had a hard time being on time, but it didn't matter as much because there was so much that was cleared off the schedule so we could spend time together.  Of course, once he finally moved in with me, reality hit and it became more of a problem.  So did other things.

I've told him many times we can't get on the same page because we aren't even in the same book, and he refuses to tell me which book he's in.  Communication doesn't really happen.  I try, but I don't have the energy for the circular talk that consists really of repeating what I said in a tone that says he thinks I should think he said something. I've gotten really good at calling him on it then get silence... for ages.  Seriously, he can sit in the same room with me after me saying, "you didn't answer my question" for hours in total silence then REPEAT THE SAME THING I SAID YET AGAIN.  It's frustrating and exhausting and soul crushing.  I know that sounds extreme, but it's my reality.  I've gone to counseling, but the counselors haven't been able to give me tools that work.  Walk out and refuse to participate.  Fine.  Still need to address the problem somehow.  It's going to be the same situation if I walk away 100 times.  Explain that it is important to me.  Okay.  Only it isn't important to him, so no help there.  Set an appointment to talk and resolve it.  Really?  He won't remember, and when I remind him he'll come to the table, but will start the entire circle over again.  Live for myself.  How does that even work in the real world with real issues?  We need to find a more affordable place to live or do we take in the grandchild or what are our plans for retirement?  How do I "live for myself" with those types of scenarios?  I feel stupid for not knowing how to speak his language which if I did manage to learn it he would just change it.  I feel stupid for not knowing how to handle these situations. 

Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions or insight into how to communicate with him?  

Also, nearly three years ago, I got sick.  I had no health insurance.  He has the best health insurance money can buy.  I was stuck with a free clinic and no money for x-rays or other tests.  Several times, the doctor there said he thought it might be cancer.  It got to the point that I was so exhausted I had a hard time walking the short distance from the car to the house or the bed to the living room.  During this time, he was chasing a heart issue that two doctors told him was nothing to worry about.  He insisted on all sorts of testing that resulted in some high co-pays even with his awesome insurance, and when the bills came in he always had to "pay it now while I have the money".  He would flaunt that insurance every chance he got, too.  Once, I almost walked out and left him sitting at the expensive and well-known clinic as he argued with the leading specialist in the field that he may not need the test, but he wanted it, and his insurance would cover it.  This is as I needed a $200 ultrasound that I couldn't get.  Also, during this time, there was an accident caused by what can only be called a stupid act that came close to causing me great injury.  It has caused PTSD for me.  It took me two years of fighting to get him to get rid of the object because I couldn't feel safe with it around.  A year ago, he had a huge increase in his income, and I was so relieved I was crying because it meant that I could finally get insurance.  I think a part of me died when he said we had to buy a house with that money.  Well, I fought and screamed and threatened and finally got insurance.  And I've spent this entire past year trying to get well.  There is damage to my body from going so long without being treated.  It wasn't cancer, thank goodness, but it was serious.  The damage done to our marriage is huge.  I don't know how to get over the anger and disappointment.  He really believed I was okay.  He didn't realize how much time had passed with me being sick.  He didn't realize how much time had passed with the awful object still around.  He doesn't understand how him having great insurance while I had none is a problem since he doesn't pay for his.  He doesn't get that telling me he knew I would be okay isn't okay.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move on from these things?