Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • ADHD and drinking by: moghe78 2 years 1 month ago

    I guess I don't have anything helpful here. I just want to talk, so I'll try to keep it as brief as I can manage.

    I know that folks with ADHD have a higher tendency for drinking problems than those who don't. My husband (who has diagnosed but untreated ADHD) is definitely in that category. When we met, he didn't drink at all. He had some problems with drink, "soft" drugs and troublemaking in his teens and twenties. It was enough to scare him into turning his life around. After we got married, he started drinking. It wasn't anything crazy at first, but as the last few years have ticked on, he has become a binge drinker. The last couple of years have not been fun. Many sleepless, worried, angry nights for me, with him out drinking with his alcoholic friend. Tossing and turning, wondering if he is going to attempt to drive home drunk again. Many mornings that he expressed regret and was down on himself for days or weeks-- "I've got to nip this in the bud, this is getting out of control"--only for it to happen again a few weeks later.  His mom is a recovered alcoholic, his brother is a practicing alcoholic. I think he is an alcoholic too. "Just" a beer drinker, but I never know exactly what's going to happen. Once he cracks that first one, he could have two or three and be done--or he could have 17 and spend the night on the bathroom floor, and it doesn't matter if it's a work night, or if he had some other responsibility. It's happening. Just because he is not nearly as bad as his brother, doesn't mean it's not a problem. Since the last "problem night", he has toned it down, for sure. We talked gently about ADHD and drinking, and his family background with it as well. He said his eyes were really opened now; but of course, that doesn't mean he stopped.  I can't deny it's been better, but that doesn't mean it's been great. Now he's started to be a sneaky about it. He canceled plans we had this past weekend, on the pretense that he wasn't feeling well--only to decide he was all better and was going up north by himself, to prep for deer season. And yes, he did do that--but he also clearly drank like a fish. I feel like every time I'm not around now, he's like "whew, now I can drink!" It's an awful feeling. I know that he has started to drink a bit at home and try to hide it from me.  I have a tendency toward anxiety and hypervigilance, so I'm certain this has only just started--not anything that's been going on a long time. He's not that crafty, and I definitely would have noticed.

    Anyway, I am scared of where this could lead in the next few years. He has enough of a problem that he is sneaking now (I wonder how long he thinks he can keep that up?). Clearly this is nowhere near over. I hate this SO much.

    I guess this is more about drinking than ADHD, sorry. I just know that a lot of people with ADHD turn to drinking and drugs, to cope.

  • Parenting with an ADHD partner by: Eighpryl_AB 2 years 1 month ago

    My husband is a great dad, really.  We have four teenagers.  He loves his kids, spends tons of time with them, is super involved, etc, and he has always been like this.  His biggest parenting flaw is that his ADHD tends to make him have disproportionate knee-jerk reactions.  If the kids do something wrong, or I have to relate a problem, he tends to over-react, frequently without knowing all the details, and dole out some ridiculous consequence that he'll completely forget about two days later and won't follow through with.  This is a difficult co-parenting situation.  I want him to back me up when I encounter a problem, but I want him to actually understand what's going on so we're on the same page.  He sometimes decides on a punishment and two days later when I'm trying to enforce the consequence, I learn that he's let it go.  Or he might over-react and I'll take him aside afterwards and try to explain the details and he'll get mad at ME... even if he recognizes he was clearly in the wrong.  The kids don't like approaching him with their grievances, which hurts his feelings, but they have experienced his reactions so they come to me to present to him.  And then he lashes out at me because he wants them to come to him directly.  It makes both the kids and I hesitant to discuss these kinds of things with him.  I HAVE to, as a parent, but I hate it because it may not be a reasonable "conversation".  We've discussed making sure we're on the same page before determining appropriate consequences many times, and we usually are until he impulsively goes rogue and then it's a total mess.  The kids get confused, I get frustrated, and he can't understand how any of it has anything to do with his reactions or behavior.

    Does anyone have any experience with kind if thing?  Were you able to resolve it?  If so, what did you do?

  • Improve my boundaries - pouty behavior by: RiverOtter 2 years 1 month ago

    This is my first post.  Hubs 51 (untreated ADHD but does acknowledge it, mostly jokingly) and I (50) have been married for 11 years, my second marriage (w/ kids), his first.  I've read a lot on this blog and it's helped me to understand so much about how our brains are wired differently and that we don't each act the way we do to drive the other one bonkers.  

    When I have an opportunity to do something w/ girlfriends he gets pouty when he can't  join in.  He has played as a sub in my ladies golf league a few times and I've realized that isn't fair to the others, they signed up for a ladies group and I was in the wrong for including him occasionally.  Every week he asks if everyone is going to play, do you need a sub, calls me at the end of the day.  At times I lied and there were only three of us b/c I didn't want to flat out say no.   I know I owe my friends an apology, that's easy.  What I need to do is let him know that I won't be inviting him to sub any more, it's a chick thing, not personal, they didn't sign up to play with me and hubs.  (Side note:  they like him and if invited on a golf date w/ us they would say yes)  

    If a girlfriend invites me to do something (go to a concert, girls day on the boat) he gets pouty that he isn't included in the festivities and drops many hints that he'd love to go.  Sometimes things are "the more the merrier" and that's all good, but I am not going to invite Hubs to tag along on something that I was invited to do as an individual.   Just yesterday he had the fun event - an invite to go play golf with his friends.  Awesome - have a great time honey!   He took a half day of vacation, I was the one at work doing the unfun, adulting biz.  I'm thrilled he had a beautiful day do be with friends doing something he loves.

    He does a lot of things socially/has hobbies and friends so it's not as if he never gets out.  We also do a lot as a couple, so it's not as if we were lacking in that department.

    We've been in marriage counseling in the past (twice) due to work imbalance issues.  I was not ok with doing the heavy lifting anymore with him either underemployed or not working at all.  Kids are grown (so no need for child care) and we're not in a position for him to act retired or semi retired.    It was messy and hard but I feel like we've come through the other side in a good place.  Emotionally he's a lot better off working, which is awesome, great to see his self pride increase.  I know that was a huge boundary flex on my part and I'm proud of it.   

    It feels silly to write this but I'm tired of going off do to something fun a have this manipulative, pouty attitude coming at me.  While a thicker skin would help me a lot (in more ways than just this, but that's another issue), I need to speak up about this: I'm tired of hearing it.  Any advice?

    Thanks for listening.  

     

  • Winning my ADHD long distance ex girlfriend back by: Logan N 2 years 1 month ago

    My first relationship was ended 2 weeks ago. It was a long distance relationship with my ex girlfriend and we dated for 8 months. I'm 20 from New York and she's 24 from Ottawa (400 miles) about a 6.5-7 hour card ride. We met in person at a discord friend group meet up and we hit it off after a few months of flirting before. I then flew up to visit her for a week in February, and then for 2 weeks in late June/early July. We called every night and watched tv shows together for hours. Both of us were doing online school at the time and not working, along with both of us being very introverted we were able to make this work.

    I didn't know anything about ADHD before I met her. She told me very early on she doesn't say the nicest things all the time, but she shows her love in other ways like doing chores for me. She also really valued her alone time.  Every night when we were in person, we'd lay in bed and she would go on her phone for at least an hour playing games. She said she needed to do this to relax and recharge. She was diagnosed and on medication only a few years ago.

    Before then she used to go out to bars and clubs every night at college, but now she's a homebody and whenever I would suggest we should go out together, I can tell she did not want to and we would just stay home. When we were on the phone together I suggested doing other things than watching tv like playing games but she only wanted to lie and bed and chill so we did that. 

    After the last time I visited her we had talked about her coming to visit me and my family either later in the summer or in the fall when she was off from school, which she was now going to be more busy with because she was starting student teaching. The visit never happened and she seemed to be distant after our last visit, which went great. She responded later to my good morning texts, we stopped going to sleep on the calls together, she even told me that "the honey moon phase has ended". Lastly she snapped at me one night and said she needed time to herself and no more calls for a little while. My heart sank when she said this
     

    We did not talk for almost 2 weeks. Only some brief texting, some of which she ignored. When she had returned she said she was going to be so busy this fall which school and working 30+ hours a week and she also needs her alone time. So she didn't see how we could talk or visit each other enough. She said she was ending it and for the next 2 years she was going to be too busy for a relationship. I was shocked, upset, and heartbroken. Her birthday was a week later and I had just bought her diamond earrings that I was about to mail to her. For 7 months everything went great and she was everything I ever wanted. Early on I did feel unloved at times but I still loved her and knew she showed her love in other ways 

     

    She also mentioned that we were running out of things to talk about. Which is true but I believed that with both of us being more busy and talking less often, that our calls would be better moving forward. But she kept reaffirming that the main reason is that we wouldn't be able to see each other at all. 
     

    About a week later I found out my exact schedule for this year with work and school. I was able to drive up to her once a month for a few days at a time on as soon as a weeks notice. I tried pitching this idea to her and we agreed to call. But she texted me later that night saying she's busy and can't call for a few days but she still wanted to know over text. I told her that my schedule opened up but I couldn't even finish my sentence before she told me how "it's not your schedule that's the issue, it's mine". I went on to tell her that my schedule opened up and that we could see each other more often than we thought we could, but I pretty much accepted defeat at that point and apologized for misunderstanding.

    i thought she would just say ok and instead just said she'll think about it.  It's been a week and I haven't heard from her since. She doesn't answer her phone a lot anyway so I'm wondering if she ever will text me again. It's my first relationship but she really has so many qualities that I've wanted in a woman.  I just don't know what to do at this point or if there's any hope at all I can get her back 

     

     

  • I'm suffocating and overwhelmed and frustrated by: Eighpryl_AB 2 years 1 month ago

    I figured out that my hubby has ADHD about three months ago.  We're in our early 40s and have been married almost 19 years.  While he was initially very resistant to the idea and he still adamantly refuses to get a diagnosis or utilize any type of treatment, I keep sharing info I'm learning... and reels.  Oh my gosh!  Reels have been the best way to help him learn about ADHD!  They're short and often humorous and he can identify with them rather than me, as a neurotypical, trying to explain my findings to him... and he is gradually accepting that ADHD IS something real that he has struggled with his entire life.

    Anyway, me learning about ADHD myself has really improved how I interact and communicate with him.  I now regularly text him reminders, which heads off him forgetting, thus avoiding me being irritated or upset, and him getting defensive and angry.  I have learned to keep my cool and not take it personally when he flares and calmly bring him back to the topic at hand without allowing him to fixate and swirl on one singular point.  I don't just walk off anymore when he starts to get angry or unreasonable with me, but stay present and keep talking calmly until we resolve the misunderstanding.  Me making small changes in my behavior and my responses to his behaviors has reduced soooo much misunderstanding, tension, and conflict in our marriage.  And that part is good.

    Unfortunately, now that he's feeling more understood and connected to me, he is smothering the heck out of me.  I don't feel understood by or connected to him.  I feel like I am the one who has suffered the most in our marriage.  He regularly put most of the blame on me for our marital problems over the years, and I received the brunt of his frustrations with himself and others.  It wasn't until just a couple years ago, when he finally started making outside friends and realizing they reacted to his behavior pretty much the same ways I react, that he actually started to understand how extensive his role in his poor relationships has been.  He's apologized to me many times and makes a conscious effort to be better, but I'm still struggling.  I feel like his verbal and emotional abuse over the years have pretty much crushed my feelings for him.  I distanced myself emotionally from very early on in our marriage because I couldn't handle the constant hurt from his chaos and destruction, and now I'm suddenly feeling like a cat being squeezed by a toddler who won't ever let go.  I don't want to hurt him, but I am not comfortable being super close to him - physically or emotionally - all the time, either.  He constantly tells me that I am his "person", but I feel like being his person is sucking the life out of me.  I feel like he is happy to let me be responsible for helping him manage his challenges - at least when it involves our family - and regulate his emotions in our relationship.  I am the one who keeps calm in conflicts now - which are rarer - but he still runs his mouth in much the same way he used to until I can talk him down.  I have become his educator in regards to ADHD and his "therapist", as he frequently wants to talk about his challenges and new discoveries.  He tells me all the time how much he appreciates all my help and feels so loved by my efforts, but I feel like our relationship is getting lopsided.  I have 20 years worth of my own trauma and disappointment from our toxic marriage and now the discovery of his ADHD (along with RSD, anxiety, and probably other things I haven't learned enough to identify yet) that I'm trying to deal with.  And I can't talk to him about anything I'm struggling with.  He interprets any attempt I make to set healthy boundaries (for myself) with him as rejection.  Sometimes he acts hurt and other times he's outright rude and defensive, and I feel like now that I'm having to regulate myself - more than ever before - AND him, and it's a lot.  We (I) tried marriage counseling to improve our communication and I hoped we could discuss, and that I could possibly resolve and heal from, all the ugly things that had destroyed our relationship for all those years.  He felt humiliated by it and during the sessions he mostly sat there with his head down and wouldn't say anything.  I eventually gave up because we couldn't get anywhere like that, and he just got angry every time he thought someone might find out that we were in counseling.

    If you got this far, I guess I appreciate just being able to vent my frustration and overwhelm.  I don't know if these feelings are part of the process and things will get better as time goes on.  I can only hope so.  He's happy now, but I'm just tired and I'd really love a long break from all of it.

  • Reminder: Single Parenting Every Weekend by: Where Have All ... 2 years 1 month ago

    Here we go again.... another weekend where ADD spouse is MIA. He has a new obsession in which he thinks he's going to die....again... so he is lost in anxiety, depression, internal space, and grumpy attitude to family. Now he thinks his heart is going to stop, even though he visited the doctor (an appointment I had to set up because he wouldn't) and they ran tests and everything was fine. In fact, the normal high blood pressure was actually good....but NO this is another sign he is going to die!!!!

    Can I express how totally sick of this I am? Every month it's something else. Some other excuse. He didn't sleep well...he is stressed....he is dying... that he can sit alone in a room without engaging with his family, and leave all the child rearing and house work to me. And the grass goes un-cut yet again. I am angry. I am fed up. No matter how many conversations I have, no matter how much I beg, it never changes. All weekend he has had major anxiety, which contributes to any symptoms he might experience, over his health, though he is under the age of 30!!!! So it's like I've had no husband. I was so sick of the constant conversations of total irrationality of him near death that I said he MUST call the doctor and request a visit today. He stays in bed till 11am, then sits around staring off into space. Around 1pm I ask, don't you want to make another appointment? He grunts...doesn't really respond. By 3pm, I called the doctor and made him talk to them to set up the appointment. I was so sick of his anxiety. And I refused to go another week hearing about it every night and how he doesn't know what's going to happen. The world is always about to end because of globalist take-overs, or he is about to die....always. I sound like a horrible person and a jerk writing this. I used to feel bad for him. I used to be patient and compassionate, but it's dried up over the years and with two little boys who climb the walls....and me with a few hour break once a week...and him never taking responsibility for caring for his needs or bettering himself or our marriage....I'm fed up. I'm angry and I'm tired. I have little to no emotional energy left over for my boys. And my boys need their dad. 4 year old went downstairs to visit dad and was basically ignored. I'm not afraid to sit him down and express he needs to address stuff. But he only becomes defensive and jabs back. No point. 

    I know so many on here have it harder and can understand where I'm at. I'm also so tired of hearing normal people say, well, marriage is just hard....get over it...basically. they don't get the other dynamic we deal with. and when it's little stuff everyday its hard to get folks to understand. so often i've read my own story on here and it's helped tremendously. so here's another story. reminder...you will feel like a single parent again next weekend.

  • Adderall Impacting Marriage by: newgirl15 2 years 1 month ago

    My spouse was newly diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago and prescribed adderall. It's been beneficial for them in a lot of aspects of their life (schoolwork, energy levels, help around the house), but they've withdrawn from our relationship 100% and is now contemplating divorce. They claim that they're thriving in all aspects of life except for our marriage and they just don't feel any desire to spend time with me anymore. They claim that they don't see how they can work through the damage done pre-ADHD diagnosis (typical non-ADHD spouse behavior, nagging, negativity, parent/child dynamic). It just doesn't seem like a coincidence that a few months after starting adderall they seemingly change their tune on our relationship. I desperately love my spouse and want this marriage to work, but with my spouse completely shutting me out it's seeming less and less possible. I've always been best friends with them, but they seem like a completely different person the last few months. Has anyone else experienced something similar in a personality change after a spouse newly starts medication?? 

  • Daily Prayer for Non-ADHD Spouse for Transformation & Self Growth by: Sunnyside Su 2 years 2 months ago

    I have been struggling in my 10 year marriage with a partner who is likely ADHD [I pretty much "knew' that when we got together from my Special Ed teaching background]

    but he does not accept that there may be a need for assessment and strategies.

    I've come to the conclusion that the only one I can change is me and my actions/ reactions so today I wrote myself a daily prayer for "Transformation and Self Growth."

    I have printed it out and will put it on my mirror and say it daily! I hope this might also show my partner that I am willing to work on things from my side that have contributed to where we find ourselves now.

     

     

    Su’s Daily Prayer for Transformation and Self Growth

    God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can,

    the wisdom to know it’s me and the grace to embrace a new way of being.

     

    Please help me to release what no longer serves me or my relationships:

    sadness, hopelessness, despair, pessimism

    frustration, resentment, irritation, sarcasm, unkindness, anger, bitterness

    nagging, giving unnecessary reminders

    the need to be right, to “parent my partner”

    the need to control the situation

    the need to have things done “my way”

     

    Please also help me to focus on being  and becoming the best version of myself:

    happy, hopeful, joyful, optimistic, enthusiastic

    caring, kind, considerate, respectful, empathetic, loving and full of grace

    a skilled and active listener who does not interrupt and who does not tell “too long a story” when sharing

    slim, strong, flexible, fit

  • Let ME talk! by: Elleleen45 2 years 2 months ago

    Hello. My Husband and I have been married for 24 years. He is ADHD and I am not. I could write a book about all of the challenges that we have faced over the years lol, however I have one specific topic to post today and I am seeking feedback. My husband talks too much. A conversation usually entails me listening 95% of the time and then maybe 5% of the time I have a turn to talk. When I do have a chance to talk within the first sentence he is already interrupting me, interjecting with his train of thought or assumptions and without patience to wait until the end of what I have to say. I have tried in various different ways to explain to him that I'm frustrated because I don't get a turn to talk and that the constant interrupting while I finally have a chance to speak is becoming so frustrating for me. His response is usually frustration or anger when I say to him "stop interrupting me for once let me have a chance to speak. I have been listening and giving you much patience while you express all your thoughts."

     I'm looking for feedback and or advice on how to explain this to my ADHD husband in a way that he will understand. I would like to have a conversation without feeling on edge that when I do have a chance to speak I know it will result in me saying "can you just let me have a turn to talk before you interrupt?" He doesn't seem to see what he is doing has anything wrong.

    I often joke and call him a chatty Cathy. Or I have tried to say I would love to have a conversation with you but it is not a conversation it is me sitting and listening while you talk at me and to me that is not enjoyable. When I say things like this it typically will cause an argument and somehow I am accused of not being supportive and wanting to listen to what he has to say. Yet I have been here and patient and listening to all of his thoughts for years. I appreciate any feedback of key phrases or different ways to word where I'm coming from when explaining this to my husband. Thank you

  • Positive traits by: Enso11235 2 years 2 months ago

    Hello, I'm new to this community and I'd like to get some advice on my marriage. I'm a person without ADHD and my wife has ADHD. I recently finished reading "The ADHD effect on marriage" as I was beginning to feel ignored and unloved. I've become bossy and controlling in our relationship and I hate myself. Much of the book talks about empathizing with your partner and appreciating the strengths that come with their ADHD rather than focusing on the negatives. It frequently uses examples of being passionate or hyper focused, creative, turning anything into a game, being playful with kids, being spontaneous and fun...etc. 

    What if my partner is none of these things? She is very awkward with children. She doesn't turn anything into a spontaneous, fun game. She's really not creative at all. In fact, she does best with directions laid out in front of her. If you ask her to wing a task and think on her feet or if you ask her to create a recipe/piece of art...etc, she freezes. In fact, decision paralysis is a huge trait of hers.  

    It just seems like a lot of information out there paints a picture of ADHD as if it's some sort of Hulk/Bruce Banner super power thing, but it doesn't seem like my wife's ADHD has a silver lining. I'm having a lot of difficulty finding something in her that is a positive incentive for me to focus on rather than the usual negatives that I always focus on. 

    Does that make sense? Is my wife just an atypical sub-type of ADHD?

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