Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • How to get them to remember what they did? by: Dagmar 1 year 10 months ago

    Dark times here.   My ADHD husband and I are currently dealing with a stressful situation with a neighbor.   At the beginning of this situation, I had him deal with it because he is more of a people person.  However, he screwed that up and put us in a situation where the neighbor is still wronging us and is now angry about the situation.   So I stepped in.   I'm the one dealing with the attorneys, I'm the one dealing with neighborhood groups, and I'm the one who is getting the brunt of this very serious problem. 

    Well, Monday I lost it.   I totally snapped in a horrible, public way.   I'm frightened and embarrassed at my behavior.   I spent the evening sobbing on the couch and even called a warmline.   It's bad.  

    I told ADHD husband that it was all too much, and I needed him to take over for me for two weeks. This should not have been a surprise.  We have been dealing with this situation since 2017, and for the last few weeks I've been telling him frequently that I am not mentally okay.   (Neighbor situation is almost identical to a huge trauma trigger for me, and we have discussed that at length.)  I told him that I needed him to get up to speed on the situation by reading the email thread between me, another neighbor, and the community group and for him to take over talking to them about mediation.  Now, I forwarded that email to husband last week, but he hadn't looked at it.   Mind you, at the time I'm telling him this, I'm sobbing and also, I only asked him to take over for TWO WEEKS. 

    He pauses for a very long time, and starts sputtering out reasons why he can't help me with this situation which also involves him.   I explain how badly I need his help and he explains that he has anxiety over sending emails, and is worried about messing up again.   Have I mentioned that 50% of his job is sending emails?   He realizes what an idiot he's being.  Now, as I mentioned, Im in a severe mental-health crisis.   I want to be curled up in a ball and wailing.   I explain to him that I can't talk about it now, but that I don't expect him to do it all on his own, and I want him to give me updates and run things by me,  I just need a break.   Then he starts asking me questions about the email that he should already know.  I repeat that I'm not okay and can't talk about it now.   He asks more questions.  I tell him I can't talk about it (I'm literally unable to stop crying and it's been HOURS since I started).   I explain that I need him to be here for me and that I don't want to be telling him what exactly I need in this situation, but since I'm telling him, I need him to listen to me.   Yadda yadda yadda, I eventually cry myself to sleep.

    Yesterday, dude bops home from work like nothing happened.   I ask him to stop and get McDonald's for the kids because we have leftovers and they have activities.  He acts like I'm putting too much on him.  He gets home and I mention that it's Valentines day and I thought that since I really needed him yesterday and he couldn't be there for me that he would want to make it up in some way.  He says "I don't have any money, sorry."  I counter with "well, I bought the kids candy they like and that cost me 60 cents.  I'm sure you can come up with something"  He says "Sorry."  I say "the gas station is right up the street."  He looks sad and says "sorry." 

    So in the course of two days, I have laid out that I am having a mental health crisis and need his help and he responds that he's afraid of emails.  Then I tell him that I'm feeling really hurt by his actions and that valentine's day is an easy way to make me feel loved, and he refuses to do anything at all.  

    It turns into an argument and he is completely blown away.  In his mind, I was having a hard time and he agreed to help me with something and now I wasn't letting it go.   In my mind, all the pressure of this thing that he has not been helping with became too much and I had to add fighting with him just to get a two-week mental break.  He's saying things like "you'll never let me live this down and all I did was pause after you asked me"  I'm like "when I'm in a situation this serious, I need you to enthusiastically agree with me and not fight"  He's like "You only had to ask me twice before I agreed."   I'm like "I'm losing my mind.  You should have noticed and stepped in. Me getting my shit together enough to tell you exactly what you need to do instead of making you guess should be a relief for you, not a burden."  He says "Well, I guess we should get divorced then"  I say "I do not want to get divorced, but if we stay married, I need to come to terms with the fact that no one will be there for me when I need it."   He tried to argue that he is always there for me, so I told him that he could continue his argument when he could mention just ONE time that he was there for me when I needed him.  That made him stop.  He ran to the gas station and bought me ice cream.  

    I know what's coming next.  He's going to be angry that I'm angry with him, but he's not going to tell me, he's just going to do shitty things for a while.  I can't have that.  We fought all night with me trying to get him to see that I was in a bad place and didn't ask that much of him.   He thinks he's a hero who agreed to help his suffering wife.   I think he made a situation 100x worse and left me to clean it up and when I couldn't take it anymore I still had to fight him for a break.   As of this writing he still has not responded to the community organizer who asked him specific questions in the email (I had emailed saying I was losing it and needed my husband to take over for a bit and introduced him to the group.)

    But from past experience, he isn't going to remember this.  And some day he is actually going to forget how much he hurt me and will joke about "that time I got mad at him because he was afraid to send an email."  How do I make this stick?
     

  • Wanting my ADHD ex fiancée back. by: Mr. Solus 1 year 10 months ago

    Recently my fiancee and I have broken up. I want to win her back. She had started to see another man in the middle of the night. She said she liked to be around him and insisted it was nothing more then a friendship. I eventually let my insecurities get the best of me and would overwhelm her asking questions and wondering why her tone was the same as when we first fell in love. The last time we were around each other we had a date and it went well. We had some drinks and I fell asleep. I woke later in the night to find her gone. Her Xbox chat was still on and me hearing her voice with the other man. I listened and eventually blew up her phone because I was worried after she had drinks and was afraid he'd take advantage of her. A lot more happened but eventually I decided to move out the next day. I needed to set my boundaries. I still pay for everything in the apartment but I'm afraid she'll never get back with me now and that she's moved in to this new guy. All because I've overwhelmed her constantly and forgot about her adhd and bpd. I drove her into his arms and I know everyday they are around each other till about 2 am which frustrates me and sometimes I want to take back my apartment and tell her to just move in with this guy. She won't change my name in her phone from husband, which I think she may have just forgot. She also doesn't want to take me out her instagram bio because she doesn't want people asking questions. I know how easy out of sight out of mind is for her and it worries me because she sees this new guy everyday until late nights. I want to believe it's just her being able to talk and have some understanding. And believe it's just friends but I also know that after that night she craved his touch. I heard the words come out of her mouth. It's been able two weeks and I've really tried coping and just don't know how to win her back. Please help.

  • Doesn’t Listen / Frustrating by: ebecoat01 1 year 10 months ago

    I can literally be sitting here right next to wife and ask her a question and I swear she never hears what I said. Instead of her saying " can you repeat that" she answers back or swears i never said what I said. 
     

    She never tells me what I'm supposed to know no matter how important it is. Always last minute with everything. She has no motivation since she got layed off from her job and just sits in the house daily in her phone playing games on it. In my mind you could be using this time to look for a job. When I say something about it she gets offended and says "you don't know what I'm doing" when clearly I can see what your doing which is nothing! Wasting time and getting on my nerves so bad I'm at the point where I just have nothing to say anymore. 
     

    I cannot motivate her at all and really don't want to entertain her nonsense anymore. Sometimes you have to motivate yourself! Anyone have any suggestions for me? 

  • ADHD and Vaginismus by: mujtuba 1 year 10 months ago

    hi! my wife and I got married 5 years ago. I was 25 she was 24. We had a terrible honeymoon because she couldn't have sex as it was excruciatingly painful for her. We than didn't knew what vaginismus was. We tried to sort it out ourselves but failed and after almost 2 years we went to see a gynecologist who diagnosed it as vaginismus and adviced to use dilators. I got the dilators for her and it has been 3 years since that. she uses them occasionally but isn't consistent and the vaginismus problem still persists. I have been very supportive all these years and have tried my best to fully understand her as I have always loved her.

    She has always been the lazy person who wakes up at 4pm in the afternoon and sleeps late, is not organized, and even forgets brushing her teeth most nights. She would watch Netflix the whole day even while having breakfast and dinner. She is a very creative and a talented person (a perfectionist) but I would often tell her 'you are wasting yourself' because she would not get involved in any task. Nothing seems to excite her. We are very good friends and talk about everything. Sometimes she would overresponse to things that i'd say which would make me anxious. 

    Our marital life has started to get effected lately. She isn't there for me to talk or to be intimate or be emotionally available. We recently found that she may have ADHD, got consulted to a psychiatrist and got it confirmed and the doctor started her on anti depression drugs for 1 month. All her symptoms are that of ADHD and she has been having them since childhood without realizing it. 

    I am really concerned about my marriage as I don't see it getting much better even after managing ADHD. We are having lots of arguments and fights recently and the intensity is increasing day by day. The main reason I feel she has been delaying her vaginismus treatment is also because of her ADHD symptoms of delaying it till the last minute/does'nt excite her much. I am both emotionally and physically frustrated at this point and don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes i feel i should lie to her that ill leave her to stimulate her to act.... i don't know. 

    Need help! 

    How much does ADHD treatment make a difference? Can things ever be normal living with ADHD person?

  • Burnt out & anxious by: BlueAnna 1 year 10 months ago

    Hi, reading everyone's posts is so helpful & makes me realise I'm not the only one experiencing the same frustrations. I've been with my husband for 20 years. The penny dropped about 5 years ago that he likely has adhd. It explains so many situations, misunderstandings, arguments, confusions over the years. To cut a long story short, he remains undiagnosed. He is hard-working and a great dad, which makes it so hard to consider leaving. However I'm finding it so hard day to day to feel calm around him. He is restless, easily frustrated, quick to anger, impulsive, defensive, intense, and obsesses over details. Anything I do in the house isn't quite good enough, because I don't focus on things with the same intensity, so I never seem to get anything right or be good enough.  He dominates conversations and frequently talks over me or interrupts. I talk and he just walks out of the room. I now just stop mid sentence but he says he's still listening. I'm a teacher, I spend my day projecting my voice and it's exhausting. I never feel I really have his full attention. If I disagree with him, on something as simple as a paint colour, he gets defensive as if I've personally wounded him. The simplest of requests can cause him to flare up. And of course there are the regular lost keys, wallets, unlocked doors, unlocked car - it actually got stolen and he still fails to remember to lock it, lost jackets, glasses etc, fast driving, which at times is nerve wracking. 
    I see so many articles etc on how to support your adhd partner. I'm the one who needs the help, I'm done being the one to be accommodating and understanding when he just seems to carry on without taking any responsibility. 

    I'm exhausted and want calm. 
     

  • How to deal with unmedicated hyper husband. by: kosty 1 year 10 months ago

    Hi All,

    My husband has ADHD, I'm sure of it, but he won't get diagnosed. I have been doing hours of research on how to deal with this/him, and have learned a lot about myself, and my reactions while doing so

    My question is how do I react or not react when he is  going a mile a minuet on the phone telling me about his day or when he comes home from work and he is hyper. Lately I just have been letting him talk and finish before I start saying something, and when he comes home I try and let him un wind, but sometimes he is still hyper, while we are watching tv. He will start talking to the show, or playing with the dogs. I just calmly say sorry I'm trying to listen to the show, and he normally just says sorry.  

    Also I would like for him to put his comics away and tie up the boxes in the garage. I have asked him twice now to put his comics away, and even got him comic boxes, bu they are still pilled up in the family room. Any suggestions. 

    Thanks, 

  • Withdrawing and I’m meant to just be ok with that? by: Sadandconfused 1 year 10 months ago

    My ADHD partner and I live separately. That's good in some ways as reduces conflict over housework. What maddens me is that when he's decided we've had an argument (it's usually a small bicker that somehow cuts him like a knife) he will withdraw for days on end saying 'let's take a break.' He will message but not pick up the phone. Weekend plans made previously become uncertain. It drive me crazy but when he's in withdrawal I have no option to explain how I feel. Is this really just ADHD or is it just mean? 

  • Acceptance of work load and loneliness? by: Swedish coast 1 year 10 months ago

    My grave ADD husband of 20 years and I have moved back together after three months of living separately. The time apart has made our situation clearer. I have realized I do manage work, the household, the children's activities and Christmas preparations alone, even when sick with the flu for weeks. He has realized his capacity is even smaller than he thought. He cannot make any promises about his contribution to the family long or short term.

    Now back together but in separate rooms to improve sleep and private space, I find there have been no fights for a month. What disturbs me is the amount of work I need to handle and the loneliness. Of course life is not fair. I do 90% and everything that needs creativity, social interactions and optimism, he does 10% but unreliably. That might be our "fair". I try to accept it. But how do I handle the physical stress? My work is very demanding, I do weekend and evening shifts with huge responsibilities. Come home after a Sunday night shift and find everything ajar at home. No bread in the house, son in acute need of something for school Monday morning. Laundry in heaps. Husband miserable because he can't get much done and blames himself. 

    I think I have accepted that our family life will always be defined by the ADD. I have for the most part given up my former dreams and ambitions. No matter how hard I work, I will never be able to compensate for the ADD. But I need to preserve as much of myself as possible, to at least offer the children security, hope and a cultural and spiritual home. I struggle with this. We have had to stop seeing most family and friends as the ADD has made joint gatherings so terrible for me I can't do them anymore. Now I feel so alone in creating this life for us. 

    This is an existential crisis, I think. As so many of you have described, the physical sensation of betrayal from a partner, however unintentional and blameless is hard to deal with. 

    I try to take care of myself in every possible way and do have the privilege of good personal friends for support. But still.

    Any thoughts?
     

     

  • Side Effects of Adderall by: M. 1 year 11 months ago

    I'm a non-ADHD spouse, and my husband started taking 10mg of Adderall about 2 weeks ago. XR during day and IR when that wears off late afternoon. First medication ever, age 52. It is a dramatic difference and we are both relieved and happy with the results so far. Yesterday, however, he felt really unwell and didn't feel "right." We notice that he is forgetting to eat all day/not hungry, is bad about drinking enough water, and last night his daughter didn't sleep well so he was up most of the night. 
     

    Could the lack of sleep plus lack of food cause him to feel more "off" than the average non-ADHD, unmediated person?  It scared him so he stopped taking the adderall and of course he's right back to severe ADHD symptoms. 
     

    What is your experience, or what may have you heard or learned?

    thank you!

  • Hubby has ADHD & Is Addicted To Marijuana by: kosty 1 year 11 months ago

    I'm just learning the effects of having ADHD and the smoking of marijuana. My husband has been smoking since he was 13. He smoked more when he was single, now we have boundaries in place, which he sometimes breaks, and he only smokes three times a month, rather than every weekend. 

    He was having trouble sleeping at night and suggested marijuana gummies, which I said yes to not knowing the effects it had of a person that has ADHD. I have them and don't give them to him unless I feel he needs it but I hate treating him like a child.

    I suggested he try listing to crickets at night as he love nature, that has seem to work for the time being. 

    I just want to know if there is anyone else out there going through the same time. 

    Thanks. 

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