Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO LEAVE? by: wisconsinwife 12 years 8 months ago

    If this resonates with anyone - do what you HAVE to do, for YOU.  I started to write this as a realization for myself.  (But, that was BEFORE the argument earlier this month, a couple of days before my birthday!  I'll tell more about that in a moment):

    I expected ...
    A husband who respected and protected me. Provided for me. Cherished and loved me.  
    A friend who wanted to spend time with me and who enjoyed my company.
    A partner that would, without thinking, always put my needs above the needs of other's.
    A caring lover who was faithful and wanted only me. No other's. No Lover's.
    I thought that's what marriage was.
    I imagined ...
    Roads we'd travel, journey's we'd share, the lifetime together we'd enjoy - All hand-in-hand.
    A home full of laughter and love. The spontaneous silly you! The dances. The songs.
    (Your oh so quick wit.  I used to LOVE you making me laugh).
    I imagined reciprocation:  respect, love, support, caring, sharing.
    I never imagined they'd not be reciprocated or that you'd be kinder to a complete stranger.
    I thought ...
    You'd always have respect & true appreciation for my honesty, faithfulness, integrity.
    My kindness, selflessness, intelligence and many skills that make me special.
    Yes, I thought you'd show gratitude - on occasion.
    No, I never thought I'd be the door mat under your feet. 
    I hoped ...
    That the twinkle in your eyes for me, would never diminish and you'd always be kind. 
    That you would always want to make me happy and would never enjoy making me cry.
    That you'd never do anything to physically harm me and would hurt anyone who did.
    That you would be honest with me and about me, always. I was wrong.
    My reality ...
    On any given day I might get your anger or your cold shoulder.
    Your intensity or your scarcity. Your silence or your loudness.
    Your spiteful & hateful tongue. Your name calling & contempt.
    Your disrespect and bullying. Your narcissistic one-way-street.
    On a bad day; Despicably.  Verbally, emotionally, physically.

    (And you say that I've changed - that I'm not the woman that you married anymore?!)

    My future - alone ...
    For a while - but I'll not be lonely.  Alone - I will find solace and healing.
    The weight I've gained (because I sought comfort in food) - I'll lose.
    The friends and family that I distanced myself (and the negativity) from - I'll gain back.
    The financial stress and disastrous lack of control in my own destiny - I will control.
    The disorder, disorganization, mess and clutter - will be gone.
    The low self-esteem, worthlessness, ugliness and inadequacies that I feel - will be replaced.
    Instead, I'll be content, confident and caring in a world I'll chose to fill with positive things:
    Joy, love, happiness, laughter to name but a few.
    I'll be 100% ME again - like the me that you fell in love with.
    I'll find the good in life again. My soul will be revived.
    And that is my future - alone - for a while.

    So, the argument was over something we'd previously agreed upon - but he claimed he had not.  

    This resulted in me being held captive in my bedroom / bathroom for over an hour and a half.  

    Watching as he took the bathroom door off it's hinges. Listening to how he'd happily kill me and go to jail.  

    This concluded while I brushed my teeth over the bathroom vanity as he stands in the doorway behind me.  

    I didn't see it coming, at all!

    Him lunging and putting his hands tightly around my neck and squeezing.  (At 6'3" he has HUGE hands. At 5'5" I don't have any hope)

    Inside, I recall smirking slightly at his amateur dramatics - although I was shocked and horrified.

    I only realized how tightly my neck was squeezed in his hands when I needed air and couldn't get any.

    He'll stop any second.  I know he will.  Please, please stop.  He wasn't going to.

    My first thought was that I didn't want my Mum (who I've not seen for 5 years, bless her) to hear how her baby was left dead in the bathroom,

    killed by her husband (and as I type this, it makes me cry).

    My second thought, ridiculously so, was how I didn't want to hurt him but I had no choice.

    I still had the toothbrush in my hand, so aim it randomly over the top of my head, hopefully into his face or neck.

    He moaned "Ow, you b-tch" and let go.  Within the hour, as if nothing had happened, he said "Come on, let's go ...."

    and do the thing he said he never agreed to in the first place - but had.  Always, always, always - I give in.  On this occasion,

    as I should have done many times before, I stuck to my guns.  That's ALL I did.

    When he calmly said that, I screamed and cried and shouted "You've backed me into a f'ing corner and now you've left me no where to go.

     There's only one thing I can do now" and I left the room.  

    Two days later while driving, I realized my head hurt as I leaned it against the head-rest of the car.  I felt the back of my head and could

    feel a bulge between the top of my neck and the base of my skull.  It hurt, it must be bruised and swollen - but from what?  He didn't bang my head against anything.  Did he?  Maybe he did.

    No, I'd remember that.  I was perturbed, until it clicked.  Standing behind me, the fingers on each hand met at the front of my neck and the thumbs of each

    hand pushed in at the base of my skull as he squeezed.  How could you exert so much pressure?  Why would you want to hurt me that badly?

    He's heard I'm leaving him before.  I know I've cried wolf.  But he doesn't know that this time - I WILL be leaving.

     

     

  • dealing with self centeredness.... by: momto2 12 years 8 months ago

    So My DF has been diagnosed with ADD a few months ago and has been on and off of his medicine since his diagnosis.  He just communicated to me today that he will not be taking his medicine anymore because it is completely taking away his appetite and is also causing him sleepless nights.  He also said yesterday that he would be fine without it.  I'm not sure how I feel about that because in all honesty I don't feel like I've seen many changes in him when he has been taking it.  He says he feels calmer and a little more focused but he still gets easily frustrated.  I told him that as his next appt. with his psych (next week) he had to talk to him about the appetite and sleep issues, but i really think he just thinks that is not such a big problem.  In our last big fight (right before christmas) i mentioned how i felt his ADD was affecting our relationship and he got really defensive and told me to go f myself and that it was over. We haven't argued much lately which is good, but i'm not sure if it is because of the medicine or if it's simply because we're just both shutting down and not expressing our feelings.  We started going to therapy with a counselor who specializes in ADD about 2 months ago and the counselor is great.  He seems to have faith that my DF is capable of making the necessary changes to save our relationship. Me on the other hand, I'm not so convinced. 

    During my last session with the counselor ( i went alone) he spoke to me about how when DF was speaking he seemed very self centered.  He also mentioned that he is extremely insecure.  It all left me the feeling of, who wants to be married to someone who is self centered and insecure?  The counselor replied that it is one of the main things he has to work with DF on.  Our 6 yr. relationship has been a crazy roller coaster ride and I have endured a lot of pain because he has been verbally abusive towards me and physically once, years ago.  I don't feel unsafe, I really don't think he would put his hands on me again, but I do think that if we have a heated argument, he will resort to disrespectful words and name calling and I'm not looking to deal with that any more.  We have two small children and I don't want them to witness that behavior.  I've been feeling extremely disconnected with him lately and even though i don't want to break up this family and take my kids away from their father, I don't seem to have the enthusiasm and faith that i had before, when it comes to the relationship.

    I spent a few days (recently) reliving a lot of the horrible things that have happened between us and was feeling really down.  After speaking to my counselor i decided that i have to forgive him for the things he has done in the past and I just have to work on me.  Reliving the past is only causing pain for me as I don't mention the things to him anymore because he gets angry and tells me that i basically just have to get over it, so i basically suffer in silence.  I'm starting to take some dance classes because it's been years since i've done anything for myself and I'm just gonna do things for me, things that will make me happy.  I'm working on being a better mom, more patient, i'm working out, eating right, basically anything that will make me feel better about me.  I'm done trying to get him to realize the pain he has caused and what he has to change.  

     

  • Low tolerance behavior, by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    My husband tonight was very angry for no reason I could remember,I am dependent on him more than ever before, to help me with getting to the grocery with his car, to get my stuff for the business because my car is presently fixing"by him" and he seem to be failing me with that "ALSO",I love him a lot,,,,,,,, and I could see certain efforts in him to make change but he is not a patient man at all!!!!!!

    I am a very dedicated mother of two kids, and my mother also,, and I have no intention's of leaving my family any time soon.Well he is not, or even can't provide for me right now, and I am the owner of my own home,,,so why pay rent????????I am not going to pay rent with him and then have burdens of finance as well as ADHD problems.He was on the other hand living with me at my home for 6 months and then he screwed it up!!!he was complaining,,, non stop about "EVERYTHING"that was not even "his"business.He got free food,free stay,did not work and used my car to his leisure,I bought him things ,loved him,treated him soooo good and then after his high achievements,good paying job he "left" and got his own apartment.I am glad now!!!less head ache on my part.

    Tonight I went home to his apartment,,,,, but earlier in the day I bought "Melissa Orlov"book "The ADHD effect on marriage" and before he picked me up to go by him, I started to read the book,what an interesting book,"already" it helped me and I did not get far with it as yet.I did not tell him I got the book because I knew he would be angry.So I kept it from him,but,I was cooking him dinner and we were talking and I realized that he is not focusing on me no more only"work"work"work"and the"boys"boys"boys"in his work.So we began to talk about ADHD and I was trying to explain to him that he has to go and get the help that is needed by a professional who is good in dealing with ADHD and it will not only help him but our relationship also,I even went as far as to tell him that "if"he did not have ADHD I would not have loved him the way I did,that it was the hyper focus on me that lead me to love him the way I did and still do now.

    He at first took me really exotic romantic places,cooked for me and all this took place in the most romantic place in the Caribbean, where his parents is the owner's of a really beautiful get away.I was madly in love with his high intelligence and the work he does is very hard and he is very good at it.Tonight I realize his focus is "not" on me any more.now he leaves me to fend for my self no matter what.Before he would support me with my work and now it's like what ever to him.So I mentioned this tonight and he got so "ANGRY" and started to chase me out of his apartment like a dog!!!!I was terrified because I can't remember saying anything that was "bad" to him other than how neglected I am feeling,I started seeing that he could not handle the truth and just wanted me out his apartment to get away from the "real"problem that he was creating for "us"may be I should not have said any thing,and realize that he can't do these things because he is not treating his ADHD problem at the moment.

    Some how I got him to calm down,by telling him that I know he did not mean the things he did,and that I am sorry,and then I find myself telling sorry more and more again.He said "NOTHING"after that and then on our way dropping me home "again"I apologized and then he had this grunt in his face and did not even want to hear anything, I left and came home.I saw his low tolerance behavior and how he was running from his own self,,,,,, I walked inside with my heart broken and tears streaming down my face.The hurt that I feel inside is unimaginable pain and all I want to do is be more loved than hurt,and that was my message to him tonight and he could not have a simple conversation with me about the focus I so need and the less hate more love.I have a husband who cannot have a decent conversation without him digging up past things that we've been through to just cover his present faults.I am very sad right now and I feel sooo alone!!!!

     

     

  • First-Time Poster Looking for Advice by: knyght_16 12 years 8 months ago

    Hello all. I’ve just signed up to this forum and I’m hoping to garner some advice. I’m in the third year of a relationship with an ADHD girl, whom I love very much. However, her condition is creating problems and I’m afraid they may ultimately doom the relationship. She’s aware of her condition and works hard on it, but she also has a very hard time taking responsibility for the things she says and does. I tell myself that it’s just her condition and I’m very good at not taking her behavior personally, but it gets very hard sometimes.


    Some specifics:

    • Wage-earning. She holds a part-time position as a teacher, but it pays very little and I’ve had to shoulder most of the bills. I was semi-employed for most of our relationship; I’ve just been hired at a new job and I hope it signals a change, but in the interim my credit card debt has exploded and she continues to make demands on my finances that I fear I can’t meet. We’ve been fighting about money a lot lately.
    • Housekeeping. She has a very difficult time with household chores. She does the laundry very slowly and will sometimes cook dinner, but it’s often up to me to deal with pet detritus, vacuum, clean up the kitchen and even prepare meals more often than not. She constantly begins big projects but never finishes them… leaving me to maintain them or simply abandon them entirely. When I suggest a change or hint that she needs to get a given chore finished, it usually results in a fight.
    • Suddenness. Argument can arise any time and for any reason. Predicting them has become an exercise in impossibility. Also, the dramatics attached to a given issue often far outweigh the issue itself (a two-hour screaming match over purchasing the wrong brand of peanut butter, for example). More importantly, she adamantly refuses to accept offers of restitution, which further poisons the issue and makes the wounds linger. (To further the peanut butter example, I’ll offer to go back to the store and get the “right” brand, only to be told “it’s too late; you’ve already screwed it up.”)
    • Sex. I think she uses sex to self-medicate, and her appetite is insatiable. Once a day minimum. Normally I’m happy to accommodate, but it can get exhausting and I’m rarely able to say “not tonight” without spark a conflict. I get tired sometimes!
    • Blame. I try to approach arguments with an open mind and an air on compromising. However, it’s often like playing tennis with a freight train. He issue is invariably my fault, my attitude needs to change, and until I acquiesce to her (often unrealistic) point of view I’m being “stubborn” or “a jerk.” She believes that I have ADHD as well as her, and often uses that as a cudgel in our arguments. (i.e., “Until you acknowledge your condition, we have nothing to talk about.”)
    • Me Time. During the first few years of our relationship, I worked at home full-time. Now I have a new job and that means being away from her for most of the day. She has not been adjusting well. We make time every night and have declared weekends (particularly Sundays) “our time,” but she can’t stand being away from me for any length of time at all. This makes errands difficult, since we always have to go together, and  I need at least a little time to myself, and I’m having a very hard time communicating that to her.
    • Guilt. She has no viable means of support and is separated from an actively abusive parent. Even if I weren’t dedicated to the relationship, if I leave her she will be forced to move back in with her parents… and that may literally kill her.

     

    Do people have any thoughts or advice on these issues? I’m devoted to this woman and want to build a life with her, but these issues persist and I’m afraid they will doom us. She resists my efforts to coax her into therapy and refuses to take medication. My friends and family have all suggested that I leave her at one point or another. The only confidant who truly understands her is one of her relations… who I’ve recently learned has been telling her about our conversations after promising to remain confidential. I feel alone and isolated in this, and could use some concrete advice on the best ways to approach these various issues. Any helpful advice out there?
     

  • My soon to be husband and I both have ADD/ADHD Help!!! by: -ADHD suffer 12 years 8 months ago

    Hello,  I'm new to this and really have not a clue if I'm doing this right but any how here I go . I would love some feed back and some advice with my relationship to the man I love dearly before we both just walk away. We both suffer from ADHD/ADD I am a 30 year old women divorced one time. My soon to be husband is 26 and also is divorced times one.. I have no children he has two a boy 6 and a girl 4. When we first got together almost 3 years ago it was so wonderful we needless to say feel in love in a months time. On our third date we discussed the things that bothered us and what makes us happy. I told him that I had a problem with my anger and I get easily frustrated and that I am not always a nice person or easy to get along with. Not by fault because to the day I can remember I don't really know why I was so angry all the time and so hyper and very talkative to anyone even people i didn't know. I have always struggled in relationships starting when I was allowed to start dating at the age of 15. I tend to push people away and make them feel less then human at times. He said that he tends to get frustrated easy as well and he's also either on the up or the down like a roller costar. So i proceed to tell him that I was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD at a young age and my mother didn't want me on meds. I struggled most of my school years due to not having medication to assist me in paying attention. He then told me that he was diagnosed at a young age as well that his mother did have him on medication. He stopped taking the meds. the older he got. He said that he was worried to tell me of his disability as for me its easy for me to tell all I'm just a blunt person and think that people should take me as i am. He proceed to tell me the last relationship he was in before me she thought it was embarrassing that he had ADHD/ADD. Well to get on with our issues. We get into many fights and arguments i mean to the point where we push and scream I try to walk away and he is following yelling and getting in my way of an exit or i as well have had to lock myself in the bathroom just to get away from him and he actually got the drill out and unscrewed the door knob so he could keep fighting. It's never quiet around our house per say :(. I don't know how much more of this miss communication arguments I can handle I say very hateful things to him just because sometimes I just cant understand why he says or does the things he dose it frustrates the last living nerve in my body. So I am currently on medication for my ADHD/ADD Adderall 40 mg and it puts me in a great mood until someone or something frustrates me then I fly off the handle and when i start getting tired from taking my meds i get short and angry with people. My future hubby is not on anything so when my mood is up he's not and we start to bicker about anything he has lack of motivation when he is at home but willing to help family and friends but not me he puts my needs last most of the time. I'm so tired of picking up after him all the time. I tried to tell him that he needs to also maybe go talk to the doctor about getting on some meds for his moods so we are'nt so off set from one another and he says he will but that was said 2 months ago and still he has done nothing. I'm just so ready to give up on us i went to the shrink and to my primary doctor and i got help for the hope of bettering our relationship but guess what I cant do it by myself and my shrink warned me that if I started to take my meds then my future hubby and i will have a teeter toter effect, she was right. Not to mention he also is a retired soldier he did 3 tours over seas and I know he may have issues with dealing with what happened over there and the stuff he has seen and did but he wont talk to anyone about being over there so i know that in its self doesn't have a good effect on our relationship I don't push him to talk about it causeIi really don't want to know what happened over there cause i don't want to freak out but i do ask him to go talk to someone. I don't know what to do anymore my hands are up in the air. He also thinks that the meds make my anger worse he says I'm to quick to get upset over things but I'm not to sure if its the meds or that I'm taking something for my ADHD/ADD and he can tell the change or I can tell that his ADHD/ADD may be worse then mine because I am taking meds and it slows me down and helps me focus so I do get frustrated with him more then usual due to me realizing that he needs to be on meds. I don't know if any of this makes any sense at all to anyone but I really hope it dose to someone. P.s. I'm the one that only has one emotion which is anger I can't seem to cry i come close to it and all crying or even the thought of crying angers me,I tend to impulse shop or save things online wanting to buy them but almost never do, I also like everything clean and orderly everything has it's place, I interrupt people on occasion not so much now that i am on meds I don't tolerate people very well, I don't like it when people try to prove me wrong it bothers me. My future hubby always is right he would argue with god if he thought him to be wrong, he tries to finish other peoples sentences while they are talking like he knows what they are going to say next or he knows what they are talking about and he really has no clue, he never picks up after himself I really think he would live in a pig sty, he is emotional, someone help!!!
     

     

     

  • Living separately by: tonyafraser 12 years 8 months ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago.  I have a 12, 10, and 5 year old.  I moved to another state about 3 years ago for my husband's job.  He is very successful and work-a-holic.

    I am responsible for most of the childcare and child issues.  More than usual since he was not reliable for childcare and his schedule of work and his extra activities haven't allowed for childcare.    He is making an effort now outside of work.  But work doesn't leave much time or energy.

    I have several long-winded blogs explaining my exact circumstances.  But, basically, I am having trouble reconciling with the past as well as thinking the future will be any different.  

    My husband has told me that my depression and problems I have (as a result of the ADHD marriage) will not hold him back.  He has never shown any ability to adapt to a non-adhd lifestyle which I think would include emotional closeness.  

    If his stance is that I won't hold him back from the life he wants to lead.  Then rather than put 3 kids through a nasty divorce.  I am thinking it is reasonable for me to plan ahead for a life by myself as the kids grow up.  

    I don't like the state we have moved to.  I gave up the opportunity to see my sister and her kids and other family members and old friends, except 1-2 times a year.  I have made a few friends in the new state, but I can't really be authentic while I am hiding my marriage problems.

    I am considering getting a new degree and planning my new life while my kids finish school.  It's a long-haul, at least 8 years if I can convince the third kid to move.  It's a really long plan, but I am so stuck that I don't know what else I would do.  It would take me quite awhile to finish a degree since I don't see any relief in childcare responsibilities.  My husband's job is about 12-13 hours a day and night commitments.  The ridiculous corporate entertaining that men seem to love.

    I have this fantasy that I just have a very small life in a very small house near family and old friends instead of this very large, corporate, lonely life.

    Does this seem do-able?  I think it seems fair considering his stance on our future.  

  • Not sure who I am... by: angryandnowsad 12 years 8 months ago

    I'm not sure exactly where to post this but just reading some of the other posts on here today have been helpful and I need a place to vent....

    We've never really addressed ADHD specifically for my spouse but one of her kids has been diagnosed with it. In any case I do recognize some of the characteristics mentioned in some other posts. Some background... We met over six years ago, she had four kids and had been through an abusive relationship for a number of years. The two older kids (now 17 and 15) were from one relationship and the younger two (now 12 and 14) were from her ex husband. They were not officially divorced when we met, that did happen but it took a couple years into our relationship. Our relationship started out as many that I've read about here, fast furious and full of everything we were both looking for. So fast in fact that we ended up getting pregnant three months in and were both very happy about it. I truly love all our kids and there has been some growing pains but we have all come through those fairly well. Trust has been hard to establish but there is no doubt it is there now. We finally got married this past year, mostly because I wanted to wait until I felt the kids were comfortable with me but my commitment has been there from the beginning.

    Early on I attributed much her anger to getting over the past. I was supportive and always told her how much I love her. At times I would tell her just that, "I love you" and here immediate response would be "say it again now". That was why I so often though her need for constant reassurance was from past insecurities created from the bad relationship. She was always worried that I was cheating, or would find someone better. This was at time frustrating because I was constantly asking myself how long it was going to take for her to feel comfortable. Only recently have I started to think more that some of her actions are due to ADHD in some form. She was never good about taking care of her responsibilities, even things like paying bills. She would forget to pay them and then frantically call and complain when services were shut off. If I offered to take care of things she would say that I was stepping no her independence. She would agree to take kids somewhere and it would never happen. Even with our ADHD child we agreed to get him to a counselor but got mad at me when I suggested someone specific, it never happened. We even agreed to try and spend more individual time with him and I did but she never did and I gave up because I felt like the only side that would follow through. Needless to say I developed a lot of anger from this and other similar instances. 

    No doubt that I am at fault for how this anger started to come out in me, ways that are very bad both to myself and the family. I would lose control and throw things, hit walls, and things of that nature. Never did I hurt anyone other than myself but these were things I had never done before in my life. I became very aware that I was losing myself and most importantly becoming a negative person in the lives of the kids, something that frightened me very much. I started to reexamine what was causing this level of anger and come to the conclusion that a lot of it stemmed from my feeling unable to rely on her. We would agree to something and then she would forget the next day. She'd tell me how she wanted to discipline a child and get mad at me for following though with exactly what she wanted. We'd talk about doing a specific thing financially and then she'd do the opposite behind me without saying anything further. I have stopped the anger but it has morphed into me crying constantly. Staying up at night just sobbing uncontrollably. 

    We recently addressed some of these issues and I told her that it was really time with her that would help the situation, I do truly believe that. We again agreed to making dinner together the next night and turning off the TV to spend even just a half hour together before bed. Unfortunately the next day she found something else to do instead of cook with me and wanted to watch her show instead of what we had discussed. I really do just want a loving and open relationship but she says that we talk about things too much and she just wants to "veg" instead. 

    I guess I'm curious about how to react to the whole thing better. There are so many of you that have posted with hopeful outlooks on their relationships. I want to make things better and stop this downward spiral of sadness. I want to be able to react better to these kinds of things but I wonder where does it leave a relationship when any discussion about real action is ignored or forgotten. How do I allow myself to love her for who she is and at the same time run a family and household with so many needs? How can I go about expressing my love for her and actually being able to take part in her life just as much? And as I see it most importantly, how do I bring up the subject of her following through with something being a possible symptom of ADHD and not have it turn into a further jump to her feeling like I'm just accusing her of being a "bad person"? That's where so many things have gone in the past and I'm looking for something better, not just more of the same.

  • Double Trouble by: gatorman 12 years 8 months ago

    Hi there...I'm new to this forum and site.  I came upon this site because my girlfriend has treated ADD.  I've know this since I've known her, but I felt like her ADD affected our relationship still so I wanted to know what I was getting into by being with her for the long term.  So after reading on here and doing research, I got the book from Melissa the other day and started reading it.  I looked on this website and saw a lot of the frustrations that people had.  I worried about kids in the future, them getting fed and will she just be all over the place to help take care of them.

    Before it seems that I might trash her, I do want to say that I love her dearly.  I love her heart, her spontinaety, her thrill for life, her work ethic.  She never uses her condition as an excuse.  Her parents put her in everything when she was a kid so that she was stimulated, and she excelled.  Even now, she excels in everything she works at.  She travels for work, and at the same time is becoming a work out instructor and is a board member of a charity.  And she used to do improv.  I recommend that for your ADDers.

    I started thinking there was a problem when after a whirlwind courtship, she started her job and became somewhat distant.  More than somewhat.  I ran into the hyperfocus thing that I read about here and that focus went to her new job.  Of course I got angry about it and offended, but she said it just requires her attention more because it is totally new.  I bought into that explanation and just kept myself busy.

    So as this year started and her job got busier again, I saw the same pattern.  So I started researching about ADHD and all the effects on spouses, etc.  Yes everything was the same, and yes we fit into it.  However, as I read more and more, it also looked familiar at a personal level.  Saying things like bad a finances, shortish temper, not being able to complete projects, and the big one of being extremely disorganized.  I've also had job issues in the past that I blamed on the job being boring and relationships where I felt I was just misunderstood or not liked for who I am etc.

    Talk about possible double trouble.  Not sure if this is a question or a statement, but I suspect this is either a match made in heaven or hell.  Perhaps a better question is when researching their significant other's issue, did you run into thinking that you might have ADHD as well?  (thank goodness she isn't pregnant, or I would have thought I was too!!)

  • Reached the end of my rope by: cisbell 12 years 8 months ago

    I have been married to my ADD husband for almost 3 years. It is my second marriage. I have 4 children and he has 2 children. I have tried everything. I have resorted going to Alanon because he also has on/off addiction issues. I love him, but he just has too many problems. His ADD has ruined his life and is ruining my life. I am in debt because he CANNOT manage money and blames it on everyone and everything else. When I try to talk to him he gets defensive and makes a million excuses. At one point he had the business account -7,000.00. I almost had a heart attack. I have taken him off the account and did it all myself. Then he slowly starts going to the bank and getting money, then next thing I know there is no money in the account.

    Like I have read in many post. Sex is out of the question. I am more disgusted by him than attracted to him.

    Since we married my life has become one financial disaster after another. Unfortunately we run a business together. I recently had to just back out of the business. His disorganization is destroying the business. I have decided to focus back on my career outside of the business. Just seeing him run the hamster wheel and never getting anything accomplished drives me insane, as it does the customers.

    I have become depressed and gained 25lbs. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and just hate who I see and who I have become. My joy is gone and I WANT MY LIFE BACK. My house is always a disaster. He never finishes anything he starts. He procrastinates to no end and works 18 hours a day - yet he never competes anything nor does he get anything done. It takes him 4 hours to complete what most people can do in an hour. He gets distracted so easily and cannot stay on task, he is always behind and makes promises that he never fulfills.
     

    He yells at the kids because they make messes, yet he does the same thing and does not take responsibility for his own messes and unfinished business.

    I dream daily of a separation. He needs help, and what I have learned in Alanon is that he has a disease that I cannot fix. I have stepped out and let him deal with his dysfunction, but his disorganization is driving me insane. What ever love I feel for him gets more and more depleted everyday.

    I asked a dear friend, who is a therapist, "What do I?  I have passed the point of no return?"  Her answer was, "When you have past the point of no return all you can do is hire and attorney". I am in a no win situation at the moment. We are in the process of selling the business and I am waiting on my children to finish the school year before I make any sudden changes.

    I read the post and feel the pain. Really don't know what responses I am looking for, but just knowing others are dealing with same issues helps.

    I am ready to be done. I cannot do this past May - NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM! He is destroying my life. And his refusal to get help and take accountability for his actions and to work to get better leaves me no choice but to exit right stage.

  • Is it possible to heal from the hurt in an ADHD marriage and move on? by: tonyafraser 12 years 8 months ago

    Ok, life with an ADHD spouse is a roller-coaster.  I have been in every type of counseling for about a decade.  My husband was diagnosed with ADHD, very severe about a year ago.  In my opinion the ADHD lifestyle has been a very cruel way to live.  There is so much hurt that I clearly remember and live with each day.  most of it is very well explained in the ADHD book.  Being ADHD, my husband seems to be able to move on very easily.  I think he is working moderately-hard to learn from his ADHD.  But I am positive that if an event occurs which requires him to support me, most likely he won't be able to provide the support I will need.  It is a terrifying way to live and as I have stated in earlier posts, my ability to manage in this relationship is very limited. 

    Mainly,  I am wondering if it is actually possible to move forward like the ADHD person does?  And how do I do that?

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