Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Over 35 years of marriage to ADD husband by: jennalemon 12 years 7 months ago

    This is for all those in relationships in which the ADHD person does not want to try to do better and is angry and verbally attacks the non-ADHD for asking for some cooperation and consideration.  This is also for those who have ADHD to encourage you to keep up with your efforts and let your efforts be known to us so we can both appreciate each other.  Don't let a relationship go on for a lifetime of distraction, heart ache, denial and finally resentment.

    We have been married for over 35 years. I thought my hard work and persistence was a good thing - keeping it all together.  I thought if I only filled in the spaces and adjusted my expectations, had patience, have open discussions and tried to understand that I would be loved and it would work out.  I am angry at myself now for letting myself down.  I was once a happy, "together", fun, ambitious, partnering type of person.  Now I think of myself as hurt, unappreciated, nagging victim.  If you try to do this for that long, you will think of yourself as both a nag/bitch AND a victim.  Do NOT let him start his own business with no one to answer to but himself.  Do NOT take ANYTHING personal.  It is not personal for him. Your tears, your attempts at connection, your feelings will not affect him. He will forget that you asked him to do/not do things that mean everything to you.  He will one day deny the promises he is making today.   Do NOT have combined checking and savings accounts.  You will end up paying the bills and he will have excuses.  Expect to make all the plans yourself - financially, spiritually, socially, parentally. Expect him to visit those plans when it suits him.   Expect him to stay a juvenile into his sixties. Expect him to have unconditional love for his children - because he can't tell them to be responsible, loving, focused since he is not those things himself.  So you must be the strong parent to them and to him and for yourself.  Then, at 60, he will be the fun one, the one that forgot/didn't have? all the pain and work that was your marriage.  People will wonder what is wrong with you to be unhappy.  YOU will wonder what happened to you and what happened to your confidence in yourself.  He will be full of himself for accomplishing so much (that you did and supported him to do). No one will realize how alone/ignored you have been and what you have given so that you could "make it work together".  And one day, he will say the words to you in anger, "What did you EVER do for me?".  He doesn't recall all I did all those years.  And you will always wonder who he is with because you cannot trust him.  He can be charming for short amounts of time.  He makes a great sales person when focused on a sale of any kind.

    1. Give him one thing to do each day to help you out. You may need to set it out for him and clean up after him or finish the job. That is all he can handle - ONE thing.  (He may despise you for this but he will forget that he despises you). Eventually you will be the one earning the money and paying the bills - You won't know what he does all day but when it comes time to pay the insurance or the taxes, he will shrug and say the economy is bad and he is a little short - that is as far as he is able to ponder this problem.  Now it is your problem.  You will have to find some money.
    2. Don't believe his faith in himself for the future - his thinking is distorted.  You want to believe him.  Unless you have inheritance, simplify your life. Don't buy a big house that you will have to keep up/work full time/manage the house/manage the kids/pay taxes on while trying to accept that he can't do but one thing at a time and slowly at that, while you RUN through your day and use Franklin Planner to get the many things that have to be done in a day complete - taking up his slack.
    3. Keep all inheritance money in a separate account - do not mix it with your personal account - you will need it for yourself and/or your kids one day.  If it is mixed, he has equal rights to it. He may be working to support the family today but eventually he will work less and less until one day you wake up and he resents YOU for taking control and making him look bad to himself. AND you will become an enabler (now that has become a bad thing in the psych community).
    4. Your friends and family are your family.  He will do what he pleases and when it pleases him.  Sometimes he will "feel like" being a husband and father - but you can't count on it if there is anything more fun going on at the moment.

    He will resent YOU for having been witness to his failings. There is no guilt or shame because in his mind, he does not recall being anything but hardworking and attentive.   I have let my grown kids down.  Now I realize I have been working so hard to support him and compromise for him that I was not being strong for my kids or showing them how to be strong in the face of partnership with someone who refuses to/can't? partner. We never fought in front of the kids.  I backed down and stuffed it and compromised.  Fixing it is not just around the corner.  All you can hope for is to accommodate his lack and make up for it yourself and in the end realize you are alone and you are both resentful.

    To those of you who are on this site and have ADHD, I imagine you are working with to-do lists and schedules and are learning how to contribute to your relationships and come through with your promises.  Please know that you are different from my husband.  My husband gave up on himself over 20 years ago. I didn't get it that he is probably ADHD until just recently. I thought he was being a lazy jerk - I didn't know.  But for me, too much has happened, too many words said in anger, too many promises not kept, too much history has been "manipulated" for too long. Please continue with the extra work and effort you are doing and remind your spouses what you are all doing toward those ends.  This site and learning more about ADHD will help you to not hurt those in your life. Seeing you try hard will make their efforts worthwhile and you can love each other for those efforts.

    So there it is.  Don't I sound like a nagging victim?  Yes, I do.  Yes, I am. The only way to fix me now is to leave him. I need fixing. But I am afraid now.  Now I have "issues" - lack of confidence in myself, fear of loss, fear of poverty, fear of rejection. AM I codependant?  Sounds like it.  

    OK, I am ready for the avalanche of unhappy readers to come this way.  But I wanted to relate what goes on in the head of a non-ADHD when NOTHING is done for over 3 decades while this is a denied problem in a marriage and the ADHD person does nothing but evades and distracts himself from problems.

  • Is possessiveness normal? by: lostbutinlove 12 years 7 months ago

    For almost a year now my ADHD husband has become literally glued to me.  If I want to go out with a friend or even my mother I get a massive guilt trip or met with an angry response and typically I give in and simply don't go.  He wants to ride to work together everyday if possible.  If I decide to go to bed early to read or watch a show he immediately starts locking up and heads to bed with me.  If he is going to bed he locks up and turns things off under the assumption that I am going to bed as well.  If he has to work late and I am home alone for the evening (which is such a rare occasion) he comes in all depressed and upset that he wasn't home with me the entire time.  All of this means that any time to myself is a very, very rare thing.  This just makes me more and more resentful of him and leads me to find any reason I can to get away even if for an hour.  We are also having issues with touching.  He touches me all of the time.  In the car he is either rubbing my leg or playing with my hair.  In bed he is rubbing on me or literally laying on me or has to be touching me in some way.  I love affection as much as the next person but it becomes such an aggravation at times.  I am just curious if this is normal?  Is this a common issue for couples dealing with ADHD or should I be looking for other reasons for his behavior?  

  • losing my ability to work, by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    I am losing my ability to work,tooo much fighting with my husband, and it takes me to bed hurt and in tears and I worry, worry, worry, aaaaalot, and as a result in those fights are failure to accomplish my days work, I am over tired and mentally exhausted with all the fights and the things he told me the same night.I can't work today,, and many days had pass before, when I could not work before, because the tension and fights is affecting me, luckily I own the business.I am scared for what my future holds financially?He would not help me at all financially,,, and now I am losing the will and mind to perceive it myself.I try soooo hard for it not to affect my work, but,apparently I cannot control my emotions and keep up with the fights."who could"!!!???? I am being taken advantage of tremendously on his part with my hard earnings, and he is not at all supportive.He thinks he is doing me a world of favors by helping me fix my car, when he is my husband and should do it willingly.After all this "car nonsense" is over,, I might be going my separate way,because this is serious now,my work is what takes my kids to school, and feed them,I am willing to save my marriage but I can't do it without him in it.He is tooo overwhelmed with his own problems,which I find him not to have really anything to deal with"he ran from it all" left his kids in a next state,ran from mortgage,divorce,child support,everything,and here is where he went for anger management,lasted 3 months in an institution,, then we met.I should have known what I was getting myself into and I just ignored "everything" his anger the fights in the beginning his "mother" warning me, everything I ignored it and went after "LOVE"what do I do now??????????? love is not what makes me happy no more.I am after a next mission,"SANITY"stability,laughs,comfort,freedom of self worthiness,mental health,and most of all focus..Being with ADHD hubby is not doing these things for me.I don't want to end things with him,he is not always bad to me,but,lately the fighting is more than 3 to 4 times a week now.Tooooo much for me to bare,and the next day after the night we fight, he would go in his work and bad talk me with co-workers,male and female,telling them untruthful things about me and turning all things resulting our fights "on me".

    I am not allowed to feel my feelings,I have to be always supportive with what he does or the problems he has and help him with them,which I always do,but,when my problems come up or my work or anything needs his support"he would not or "can't" do it",CAN'T DO IT!! is more the word for him.I understand all the negatives regarding ADHD and presently, I am reading all I can on ADHD but last night during our fight, I simply did all I can to keep up with the good advice I learnt from the book,but,I am the only one that is holding my end and he is not because he would not read the book or go for treatment or take medications, or let me read it to him, and further more I have been holding back the book from him, from defending ADHD topics and fights, I am not prepare to get into with him regarding ADHD topics as yet.He fights depressions of his financial loses and the lost of his "kids" which he contributed on his part and then self medicate these depressions, with drug abuse and alcohol,also pornography lots of pornography.He is hurting me!!! very much and I am at lost with him which ever way I try to do what's best for our marriage.I try to be nice all the time,supportive,helpful,I am tired and exhausted after work and the daily problems I have going on with my own life regarding my kids and so on,and when I fall a little in supporting him he takes that very seriously forgetting that I am also human and will fall short sometimes, and for him that should not happen I am the post he leans on for everything and now the weight of him is dragging me down.I am seriously tired now and need time away from him!!

  • he is very defensive all the time "every time". by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    My husband is a very defensive man all the time "every time"no matter the conversation...I am not at all in any position to allow the anger tantrums get to me at all these days with the ability to keep my emotions in tact,and, I did...I somehow managed to not let his ADHD effect, overcome me by simply talking out my issues to him and not flaring up the way he did "TONIGHT"he was "Speedy Gonzales",I never even got a chance to voice my opinion, his tantrums and anger is beyond imaginations,and thoughts.I have sooo much love for him,,, and failure on his part to acknowledge this is way pass his time!!!! I don't really know but my suspicions may be very right,I think that my husband jealousies my success in life,,when he met me I had/have everything and he did "NOT" my car is the biggest of all in the jealous part for" him".He cannot or would not make an effort to work hard and accomplish these goals and expect them to land in his lap like "magic"I worked like hours at nights and days at one time with only one worker helping me prepare for an event I had,I prepared 400 boxes of lunches for people of whom bought there tickets in advance,and all this was to help me accomplish my huge success I have today, and I never even met my ADHD husband as yet,, it was some one year after I met him.I proceed to be successful in my hard work,and managed a mother,uncle of whom was very sick at the time, and two kids on my own, with the one help of my dear worker.Thank god for her!! Today I have come to realization,, and with a book I keep dates and time we argue and track of them and what we argued for,I could only see that our argument are "all"based on his defensiveness, and me only trying to get through to him with my own feelings and betrayal having felt by him and unfulfilled promises on his part.He is "always" reproaches me with everything and that drives me crazy.I am using him is his big "GET OFF" of self unworthiness,he is turning me into his maid, yet I am using him, he is making me buy him things and still,, and all this time I gave him free stay, free food, free everything, but I am using him.Oh! and he told me tonight he hates me!!!I find that to be a strong word,don't you agree??Well I don't hate him!and I would never hate him even though he treated me like I am a total wreck like him.

    I am very much in line, but I sometimes get emotional over the things that I worked hard for and I claim that this is normal, non ADHD people am I right?please answer,,, and buying the car I bought was a bad deal,I never had it a month yet and already it had bad transmission problems, somehow when I met my husband, and when we got married well! he claimed the car to be his ,which I never mind but he always seem to make these things a big deal.He was very very jealous.I don't know if "jealousy" is an  ADHD related problem?,and if any one can tell me please do...anyhow and his jealously span way out of control and all he could talk about was he needed a truck or car and how bad he wanted it!he was not working at the time so I felt sorry for him and lent him my car which has turned on me today! he is holding my car hostage against me!my car is currently apart by his work site,,, transmission down,engine apart ready to fix,but the pain I am enduring through this is some what far from death by far. he tends to fight more than usual with me, and the fights are getting out of hand,he burst out in flames and high high volume way over my ear bell until I can't even hear myself,he threatens me to take back the car,when I offered him labor money for fixing my car he won't take it,but,yet proceed to say that I am using him.I am "NOT"using him and if I was he would not be the one to use...I am very disrupt now,the proceedings to keep my emotions in tact has failed "again"whenever I am ready to mourn the last fight or grieve it and move on a next one appears abrupt,there is little to no hope in my marriage,and the failure is in the hands of the failure him self.

       

  • Looking for advice, preferably from someone who has happily gotten through... by: veg_girl 12 years 8 months ago

     

    Hello everyone-

    I've been following this forum off and on for a few months, and it's been very helpful--at least to know I'm not alone and that so many others have had such remarkably similar experiences.
    It's a bit daunting to try to summarize your relationship in a few paragraphs--I don't know how you all do it! Will try to keep as brief as possible. I'm the non-ADD spouse, my husband has ADD. We've been together about 7 years, married just over 4. No kids, 2 dogs :) He has the best heart of anyone I've ever met; I do love him, and I have no doubts about how much he loves me (he tells me all the time…but doesn’t exactly show me). But love has never been the problem.

    He was diagnosed with ADD when he was a child (but stopped taking meds before high school, for some reason), and I knew this about him before we got married. I also found out early in our dating that he had some drug addiction issues in his past, but it seemed like he had them under control. About 2 years ago, we started seeing a marriage counselor--I suggested it b/c I was frustrated over our communication (lack of, but also his defensiveness and tit-for-tat approach), his financial irresponsibility, and what I considered to be an unequal division of household duties. We saw the first counselor regularly for a few months (during this time DH did go on meds, but did not try any behavioral strategies), but DH decided he didn't want to go anymore b/c we were "teaming up on him" during sessions b/c she was female (I still see her to work on my own issues). So I found a male counselor, who we went to for couples therapy and DH went to for individual sessions (but we’re no longer going b/c it was too much to fit into DH’s schedule). It seemed like we made some progress, but only temporarily--to his credit, DH does TRY to do things I've asked of him, but the trouble is that he's inconsistent about his effort. For example, if I say that I'm feeling overwhelmed b/c I take care of the dogs by myself and ask him to feed them at night, he'll feed them...for 3 days, then forget. But when I say "I need your help in feeding the dogs," he says "I do feed them" and will point to the 3 days he did, even if this a month later and he hasn't helped at all in that month. This is the tit-for-tat stuff that drives me crazy. It carries into every facet--I say I need something, and he only remembers the few times he's done that thing, not the hundreds of times he hasn't. Or I say “I just need more help around the house” and he lists everything he does. But I could go on, and that would not be keeping it brief...

    He says he’s ready for kids. I say not until I feel confident that he has addressed his drinking and spending. Drinking: we had an incident last summer that made it clear his drinking was a problem, he went to AA, said he would keep going, 2 meetings later decided he didn’t need it b/c he “wasn’t as bad as those people at the meeting.” Instead, he tries to limit himself when he drinks, but it doesn’t always work—he’s gotten drunk a few times in the past couple months, all when I haven’t been around, which makes me feel like he’s not serious about it. He says “what’s the big deal? Nothing bad happened.” Spending: has gotten us into debt a few times over the years; we’re trying to pay down our last card now, but he’ll spend his bonus check on an atv or a new gun (this kills me b/c I’m naturally a saver).

    All of this (and plenty of other stuff, like not finishing projects, not following up, forgetting promises...) has caused me to feel a lot of resentment, which I’m trying to move past. But I can’t move on if we’re still dealing with the same things that brought on the resentment in the first place. I am hopeful, though, that we can make it through this and come out on the other side much happier and stronger. When it comes down to it, I think that if I met him now, I would still fall in love with him. 

    I would love to hear from someone who has been here and thinks it’s possible to make it work. But I am also a realist, so all advice and opinions are welcome. Thanks for reading, and let me know if any other details/specifics would help paint a clear picture.

  • Newbie wanting to vent and normalise by: Chaos2Calm 12 years 8 months ago

    Evening All,

    I will give a brief synopsis of my life so far with my (soon to be diagnosed I hope) ADHD husband. We have been together for almost 6 years and have two children of 4 and 10 months. My husbands behaviour first became an issue for me when I was pregnant with my first child,he got a good job after some time unemployed and lost the job within three weeks for messing around during corporate induction, couldn't get him off various online chatrooms or the XBOX 360, he didn't seem to be able to monitor the passage of time, also realised he was very clumsy and forgetful. Life with a small baby was hellish, he seemed completely oblivious to the need to do any work around the house and was obnoxious if woken during the night, I quickly learnt not to bother disturbing him. Life got tougher when I returned to work full time, he had reduced his hours so he was providing day care and I was the main carer at weekends and in the evenings. Despite my working 40 hour weeks to his 20 I was still doing most of the housework and housekeeping. As our child got older his fathers lack of ability to organise himself became more apparent. Attempts to get him to access any baby or toddler groups with our son failed miserably, mainly because he forgot to go! In the midst of this I was physically unwell and required surgery, my fear that I would die under anesthetic and leave my child with this man who could not even organise himself to wash regularly was immense. But I had not voiced my fears and frustration openly to anyone at this point. Trips to others houses were very difficult for me, my is husband funny and quick witted but often socially inappropriate, I am quite socially adept and so find some of his behaviours very embarrassing. He would also take risks with both his own safety and the rest of the family which would lead to heated arguments. 

    Hopefully (insanely) I fell pregnant again, by now we had settled into some kind of stand off, me nagging frequently, numerous chore charts, sheer exhaustion, accused of being a controlling, micro managing woman, separate beds ( his sleep was all over the place) and regular rows. We also had the usual stressors of step children, finances, his alcohol consumption and of course the pregnancy which was not an easy one. In fact I was in and out of hospital from 20 weeks at 34 weeks. If I thought it had been hard before...

    My husband just could not cope with the stress at all, he ran around like a headless chicken for at least two weeks, meanwhile I was feeding a baby 2 hourly and booking the family holiday from my hospital bed!

    My second maternity leave was, if possible, worse than my first, indeed since our baby was born my husband has been involved in the caring of the baby at night on 6 occasions and on 2 of those I came close to murder ( seriously) he was so unbelievably rude and uncaring, and in my severely sleep deprived state I just can't keep a cool head, hense the continuation of the separate beds.

    The realisation that he probably has a mental health disorder has been a double edged sword for us both, he understandably struggles with the idea of having a disorder ( he honestly thought his issues were down to other people nothing to do with him ( people have tried to kill him repeatedly!!!) and me, well I've slowly come to realise that I am not a bitch from hell, I was really struggling to understand how I had become this wired woman with no patience and a fish wifes way with words, generally I was considered bossy but kind hearted and generous by others.

    But the anger still overwhelms me, when I am tired ( still up several times a night with baby and back at full time work), when he lies to me to cover a mistake, when he loses money that we don't have, when he asks about some trivia when I am so worn out and fed up that I am sobbing so hard my throat hurts, his inability to ever, ever, ever just be MY prop, just once when I ask for it, not when I have to berate him into doing it or when he feels like making me a cup of tea. That he has ruined the very short amount of time I was able to take at home with my small children, time that I will never be able to recoup, when he asks\me how he can make it up to me - YOU CAN'T.

    But most of all the feeling that I am being consumed by this disorder, it controls every aspect of my life, I spend my time waiting for the next cock up, the next let down, running around trying to keep the balls in the air, never being able to rely on him to catch one for me if it should drop, really, really just wanting either him or I to disappear so this would all go away but knowing that our separation would devastate our son, and realising more and more just how much I dislike myself when I'm with him, how can I live with two people I have no liking or much respect for?

    And I know about the book, and believe me I have tried to read it, unfortunately keeping my eyes open past 9pm is a miracle and my grief just keeps getting in the way.

    And I am very aware of my husbands many good points, he is a fun and crazy dad, he will help anyone in need, he is extremely creative and writes beautiful poetry, I know that he loves me enough to learn how to clean the toilet properly and he is just as scared that this might not work out. However there is very little for me, and I'm just not sure if the good stuff balances out the sheer hard work enough for me. 

    Thank you for listening

     

  • Min-Tran by: ADDonfire 12 years 8 months ago
    Has anyone tried or heard from anyone that has used Min-Tran as a suplement for adhd? It is supposed to help you focus and Increas calmnes of the mind. good or bad, im interested in peoples results.
  • She constantly contradicts herself-Should I give up? by: Ljlekan 12 years 8 months ago

    Removed

  • HIS ADDICTION TO PORNOGRAPHY, by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    I was not even aware that my husband was addicted to porn until I read "Melissa's book", and until I finally saw it with my own eyes.I was with and always is with my ADHD husband on weekends, by his apartment with him, and yesterday his cable bill came and I looked at it when he was asleep in the drawer where he keeps his bills,I saw that the cable bill is 5 hundred dollars more than the actual cost,and I was in shock!!!! not so much he is watching porn but the amount he purchased in the month of February,more than 15 adult dirty movies and the dates in these purchases and the names of the pornography is like "teen girls"etc: etc:,I am feeling pure hurt right now, and I don't even know if I could even stay with him any more after what I saw today.I am disgust by this,,,,,, really disgust!!!,I never knew that he was doing this at every single evening after he drops me home and "all the time",I know that he watches them maybe twice a week but after seeing the bill he is watching them every night!!!!"EVERY SINGLE NIGHT"!!!!!!!The names and types of adult movies he watches is" little girls" and the man is almost 50,what the hell is he doing!!!!!why is he doing this and so much?what is his problem,I never refused him and I am always by him,we may not always be intermit all the time because we work work work all week and hard work so I am tired and I sort to think he would be tooo but apparently not!

    I am afraid that this addiction would lead to an actual affair,,after all it was clear that these are the addictions of ADHD,and I am very scared that this might take place before he starts treatment or take meds which he promised me he would, and he did indeed admit to me that he is not well and knows it.I am in fear that it would be too late for both of us,I am afraid to confront him with this and if I do it could lead us in a serious argument and him in a result of shame,and I don't want him to get embarrassed,,,,,, I am suffering this in silence.I don't even know what to do any more with this and what hurts the most is that I can't even have a decent conversation with him,, without him chasing me out of his apartment like a dog!!!So I stayed and grieved in silence with him next to me and my back turned to the next side and tears streaming down my face first with anger because I can't say nothing and then pain because I can't talk about it and then tremendous hurt because I can't talk to him about it and tell him how I really feel.."I WANT THE PORN TO GO AWAY" I want him to stop stop stop stop!!!!!!! I love him and he is ripping my heart to pieces.Sadly he will never know and maybe only when divorce papers reaches his desk at work then he might know..IDIAT!

  • Drug Abuse -- Please help by: Chels555 12 years 8 months ago

    Hello - 

    I just discovered that the my ADHD diagnosed wife of about 9 months has not only been abusing her Adderral XR capsules and tabs but also purchasing street level meth pills to self medicate. She has kept this from me for months and I only discovered this when going through our finances this weekend. When I asked about it she told the truth but I am at a loss for words. I have never hid anything from her in the over three years I have known her. I try to keep a household schedule, help her organize but not push or baby her. I feel like my trust has been shaken to the core and I do not know the next step. She doesn't have many friends and I don't know what will happen to her if I leave her. I fear I will never be able to trust her again. My apologies if there are any typos I am still very shaken up. At this point I am just asking for advice. 

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