I was dating a girl with ADD and one thing that bothered me was that she very often would not say "thank you" or show appreciation for dinners, gifts, doing nice things for her, helping her with her school work, lending her things, etc.  It was something that really bothered me over time because I felt like she was just taking advantage of me and it caused me to close down quiet a bit.  I raised the issue with her and although she acknowledged what I said, she seemed not to really change her ways.  I told her it made me feel like she didn't care about me.

Anyway, I didn't realize the impact of ADD at the time of the relationship and I have only started reading about it now that we have been broken up for 2 months.  I don't talk to her anymore but now based on reading about ADD symptoms and understanding her behaviour better (anger issues, impulsiveness, etc) I am open to being friends with her again down the road.  One thing that I still don't understand is whether or not there is a link between her lack of appreciation/ saying "thanks" and her ADD.  I am seeing it as her being so focused on the enjoyment of the meal/movie/whatever that she doesn't realize/observe how she got it and doesn't think it is important to say thank you.  I posted this on another ADD forum and a few people with ADD said that they are struggling with the same issue.  However, on here I saw a thread where people were saying that their partner was VERY giving, empathetic, generous, etc.

Any insight would be appreciated from both ADDers and Non-ADD partners.

I love my husband very much... But things have become unbearable. I am a Christian, and I am trying to do what is right.. and that is stay with him no matter what. 

I have ordered almost every book on the market geared towards the ADHD/Marriage situation.. and as usual I am the only one interested in reading them. 

We were seeing a Christian Family Counselor, and things seemed so promising in the beginning.. But it was not long before the same old habits kicked back in. 

My Husband lies to me, Refuses to put me before his family, and has tremendous issues with money. He was diagnosed as being extremely ADHD & Bipolar. His family refuses to believe that he is Bipolar, so of Course my husband refuses to take his medication for that. He also refuses to take his ADHD medicine as well. 

I feel like I am his mother 99% of the time. And what makes matters worse.. His family continues to make plans, or run important events by him.. Never seeming to understand that I do not find out any information until the day of ! It is very frustrating. 

I know most of you know how hard it is to live with an ADHD spouse. Its like when they are home.. They aren't really here. Any conversation with my husband is non existent. Our conversations literally consist of me asking him several questions, with his response always being " Huh? or What did you say Babe"? It is so frustrating. 

He misplaces everything, cannot keep up with his receipts.. and then gets angry with me when he cannot find them.. AS IF IT'S MY FAULT!

EVERY TIME OUR ACCOUNT GOES IN THE NEGATIVE... IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT! I AM LITERALLY TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING!!! 

We went through a period where we had zero money for a month. The kids and I were down to cans of soup from the pantry. I kept wondering how he could come home and not be "starving" like we were. I also noticed that he had picked up weight. But how? We didn't have any money. So I played detective a few afternoons. I found out that he was going out to eat with his Father every afternoon. And I even saw my husband in a Taco Bell drive thru a few hours later. You have no idea how hard that was for me to keep my cool. Just knowing that my husband was eating food elsewhere, while his family went hungry everyday.. MADE ME SICK. 

I later found out that his Mother had given him $80 for grocery money for us. She wasn't to happy when I informed her that I never saw the money, and he was apparently buying fast food and snacks while working. 

The worst part of my relationship is the lack of compassion on his part. I can be in tears telling him something, and instead of comforting words.. He will literally do this. " AH Man babe I saw this awesome deal and I think I should get it, what do you think"?

WTF are you kidding me??? And this happens ALL THE TIME. He will always change the subject so that the conversation is about him. 

Recently, I got a major injury. I have 3 slipped discs and I have never been in so much pain in my entire life. Everyday is excruciating for me. He has really hurt my feelings.. but I'm not really surprised.. just extremely disappointed. When my back flares up, he will make a million excuses as to why he cannot rub my aching back. He has a million excuses as to why he cannot go to any of my doctor appointments with me. He missed a very important one where I had to go talk to a neurosurgeon. 

My Husband then has the nerve to yell at me and call me worthless because I am unable to Vacuum, Mop, and do anything that requires me to bend forward. 

Hearing that I am worthless has got to be one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. 

His grandmother has come over here a few times to help me clean up the house. She has told my husband that there is no reason he cannot help "maintain" the house. But guess what? My husband is off 2 days every single week.. and on his 2 off days he sits in front of the television, or plays video games all day. He won't help me do Crap around here. 

I am a very neat person, and I hate "nasty" so yesterday I finally just cleaned the floors myself.. and I am paying for it today. My back has not stopped burning and aching all day. He has been a complete butt to me.. He said he doesn't feel sorry for me, because it's my own damn fault that my back hurts. That I should listen to the doctor. When he came home today he just locked himself in his office, playing on his computer. And here I am barely able to walk, and as soon as I finish this little blog I have to go make my kids dinner and give them a bath. Sigh. 

 Why is he not capable of cleaning anything??? I don't understand how "dirty" doesn't bother him. If you go open up his car doors, trash falls out everywhere. He is such a slob, and I am floored that he is taking my injury as free reign to be a slob in the house. 

And I don't understand why he can't seem to help me do chores around the house, but the moment his family calls him needing his help.. Boom he is out the door. I get left at home all alone ALL THE TIME.

This part is a little intimate.. But when we made love the other night, my back went out on me. The right side of my back is numb, and I asked him to please rub it for me. He said that he couldn't.. because he was late for work. And he promised he would rub my back when he got home. He never did, because somehow I pissed him off.. and I no longer deserved a back massage from him. So see what I mean? Compassion does not exist in my husband's DNA. 

My Entire family cannot stand my husband. My dad doesn't trust him further than he could throw him. My dad says he can see right through him, and that I am stupid for staying here.  My sister is no longer talking to me. She told me that she cannot stand him, and she cannot stand seeing me go through this. 

I guess I should go ahead and tell you ladies that my husband had applied for a transfer to another state without my knowledge. He wanted to be closer to his family. Once the transfer was accepted he basically gave me the ultimatum that I either stayed or went with him. I had no say so. So now we live 2 min down the road from his parents. And I am miserable down here. My whole family is upset with me that I came down here with him after he did that to me. ....

I feel like I am doing the right thing. I know that God hates divorce.. But lately I keep thinking if God would want anyone to go through something like this?? I don't know what to do anymore, and I feel so alone. 

Should I keep trying? Do you ladies think there is hope? 

Sincerely, 

Confused, Hurt, and Lonesome.

My husband drives me bonkers when it comes to taking care of the yard.  For the first year of our marriage it wasn't an issue because our landlord took care of our yard promptly.  I LOVED IT!  I genuinely think Hubby never noticed.

During our second year of marriage we moved to a place with 100% more space for only 20% more money.  Was a great move for us except for the yard issue.  My husband had mentioned how much he hated the yard being his job at home (he was the only son), so we talked about the chances of this becoming an issue.  He insisted it wouldn't be because the house was in the trees and there was very little yard to take care of...could all be done with a weed eater.

Well he was never taking care of the yard promptly, so he insisted what he needed was a push weed eater.  It would make the weed eating much easier and would be sooo much better for his arms which always hurt after doing the weedeating......like he did it more than a couple times a year anyway. :eyeroll:

But fine, we bought a push weed eater to make it easier for him.  He did the yard a negligible amount more with a negligible amount less of nagging.  I was so angry he talked me into this purchase (and definitely was not the only one) with the promise that it would enable him to get something done easier and it did very little good to get this accomplished.

It was while we were living in this home that he got diagnosed.....about 4.5 years ago, and he spent at least a year grieving over the diagnosis and not doing an appreciable amount more of ANYTHING, so I am trying to remember how much better he got at the yard after the end of his grieving period,.  I guess he was better with it but we moved 3 years ago, so it wasn't good for very much time before we moved again.

Due to some other goals we had, we needed to move to a more expensive area.  My brother ended up offering his house to rent for the price of his mortgage (which was also a similar price to what we could rent a 1 bedroom for here).  Was a fabulous deal for us again.......40% more money to double our space again and live in the area we really needed to be in.  But I almost vetoed the entire plan over the yard....it is that big of a deal to me.

We had MANY serious conversations about the yard issue and I made it clear that I am not longer willing to deal with this as an issue, and the yard here is MUCH bigger than our previous yards......it is about 2.5 acres which we both really wanted, but I was very concerned that he be willing to take care of it.  He insisted it would be a non issue and he'd take care of it.  He really really wanted to live here, as did I, and the deal was fabulous, so we moved.

Now my brother had a deal with my father (who lives nearby) for my father to mow both yards, and my husband was up front with his hope that he'd be able to make a similar deal.  I told him I didn't care what deal he made, but that my bottom line was that our yard be taken care of promptly when needed, regardless of what that required of him and he agreed.

My father does indeed mow both yards (some of you might remember this as I have posted before about the issue) and my husband's part of the deal is to weed eat both yards.  This takes him a max of about 3 hours once every 2-3 weeks from about April-the first freeze in December.  It is very little work for him to get our entire yard mowed, but the kicker for me is HE DOES NOT DO HIS PART PROMPTLY!!  AND he *needed* a newer bigger weed eater to do this job too......uh huh.

This shouldn't even be an issue this time of year, but we've had such a mild winter that really it has needed to be done again for at least a month-6 weeks and hubby just won't do it.  It is hard to get him to take care of the yards, and it generally involves me getting really irritated before he'll do it.  Sometimes he has even done OURS to get me off his back and then NOT DONE MY PARENTS.  I mean what the heck!??!?!?!

Part of the issue is that he doesn't really notice the yard when he drives in, then he comes in the house and since he HATES HATES HATES the sun, he has all the curtains and shades pulled like it is a cave in here (then he naturally wants to turn every light on......again wth?!?!), so he never really has the opportunity to notice the outside if he is trying to avoid it, which he always is.

I have told him for at least 3 months now that our bushes in the front need trimming.  My father has said he can use his electric or gas powered sheers, but hubby has done nothing.  We had two trees that died and hubby did nothing about them for so long that my uncle brought his tractor over and pulled them out.........is HUMILIATING to me that my husband is not taking care of this stuff.  Doesn't seem to bother him.

I took a good look outside today, and I am adamant this man WILL be taking care of our yard within the next week.  It needs a good weed eating, straightening up of stuff that goes in the shed but he has the shed too full for it, hedge trimming, and just a general sprucing up.  I want to plant a butterfly garden (which he is on board with) in the spring and thought about using that discussing to launch into this one.  Also his parents want to come visit, and I will not sign off on that (his mother is a nightmare) until the things that need to be cared for her are cared for.

ANY IDEAS HOW I GET THIS ISSUE TAKEN CARE OF ONCE AND FOR ALL?!!?  I cannot keep having the same source of argument and stress.  And it needs to be resolved before the new season for weed eating begins--we have been through 2 springs and summers here and I am not having another one like those.

If you are nonADD, how do you get your husband to do his part around the house?  Especially to keep his agreements when you vocalized a concern several times and he PROMISED it wouldn't be an issue.  And if you are ADD, what would motivate you to keep an agreement you made, even if you find out later it is harder than you expected?!?  Is there a point where you think, I do not like doing this but I promised so I will push through and do it?  Cause that is what I keep expecting and not getting.

Last year I suggested he find someone to do the weed eating if it was too much trouble for him, but that he would have to pay for it out of his blow money because I would not use joint money to cover it.  He isn't willing to do that though he IS willing to try to find someone to do it if I would pay for it out of joint funds which there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY NO HOW I will do that.  Joint funds have bailed him out of stupidity too many times.  This is an irritation for him or something that isn't his preference, but it is his commitment and I think he needs to start looking at it that way.  He already has the WAY WAY WAY easier side of the deal as it is.  He should be grateful.

Let me just start out by saying I don't even know if I fit into this site. I as a child was diagnosised with ADD and dyslexia. I did well as a threw High School and collage. Things fell apart fast Post Cancer. Its bad. I cant think, I cant remember anything, my mind is in constant fog. List, tasks, events, faces all but disappear in to haze. My wife and I are close to the end. I now suffer from extreme anger issues and frustration. I say incredibly hurt full things that I don't mean but uncontrollably come out when we fight. I Don't know what related to what. My wife tells me I make no cents I cant communicate. Yet I hear it just find. I tried going back to my old doc. But he no longer takes insurance and magically knows no one else in the field who can help. I cant control my anger, my thoughts, my mind. Depression is starting to set in. The oncologist don't care. As long as the cancer stays away there happy. Everything else is collaterally damage to them. I have regressed so much I can't even take it. I dont even know where to begin. I went to school for chemistry, physics and bio. yet now I cant remember anything. 

The fights with the wife are the worst. I cant let things go. All the wounds feel fresh all the time. I go from 0 too 10 in a flash. I dont know if its related or a separate issue. But I thought I would throw it out there.

mike