The cause of our arguments is no different - disconnects on household chores, getting so "stuck" on irrelevant facts while she is talking about something serious, forgetting nearly everything - except for things that don't matter...I could go on, but I'm sure this is not new for anyone who has or is close to someone with ADHD. Our arguments start the same way - but from my perspective she seems more enraged at my inattentive behaviors and patterns. I'm just confused because I feel like my treatment is working (at least I think so) and I'm not sure why our relationship has not improved. At times I feel I should go off my meds and return to the "less worse" way things were with my wife. 

My back story: I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD almost 9 months ago and have been covering the "easy" stuff first - med management, diet, educating myself about ADHD etc. The "hard" part has not come easy and I wonder if I am alone. Of course easy and hard are relative, but for me the hard part is rebuilding all the damage and hardship brought upon my wife, family and friends. Part of me feels so much better, but I often get even more frustrated than before since I feel I *should* be able to communicate effectively with my wife and not repeat old patterns. I feel the unbearable weight of me transforming her into, as she has put it, "a person she doesn't recognize", she seems to be stuck on all the past hurt I have brought upon us. Wasn't this supposed to get better?  I'd be very interested to learn if there was a catalyst for others that may have precipitated adults from looking at ADHD as a diagnosis. For me, in retrospect, it was the birth of our children about 2 and 3 years ago. As we  know I didn't just "get" this so, why now? The realization that my children pushed me over the top is another burden of guilt. I try to remind myself that everyone carries a full bucket and what makes it spill over should not carry significance. I hope I can show enough improvement so my wife can more actively engage with my treatment - letting go of what can't be changed in the past and realizing that the often patterns and behaviors of the ADHD are changing. Hopefully improving.

I'll stop there with hope that someone can relate an experience so I don't feel I am alone.  Plus, I find it ironic that most posts on this forum are quite long and I don't want others like me to stop reading after the first paragraph. :-)

V.

Hi there,

Just wanted to say hi and to pass on some comments regards the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage. 

I'm about halfway through so far (up to the chapter on empathy). 

As a female aged 52, diagnosed with ADHD three years ago, I have to say the book is interesting reading and I am nodding my head as I recognize similar patterns in my marriage to those in the book. It is really helpful for me to understand my ADHD and how this affects my partner (as well as myself).  Apart from medication (Ritalin) I have to say I've not been offered much else in the way of management.  I plan to book an appointment with my doctor to discuss this further.

I am a firm believer that for every problem there is a solution or at least strategies that can be tried to get the best out of a situation. 

One thing I am finding though is that many of the ADHD male behaviours that are described in the book and the forum seem somewhat similar to traits of non ADHD men.  Not wanting to generalize, of course, but I believe women are usually more in touch with their emotions than men and often more able to discuss things than men.  This seems particularly relevant to the comments in the book about being ignored "after the honeymoon is over".  Then again, maybe my husband's coolness was in response to my undiagnosed ADHD.  The forum and book also seem to deal more with non ADHD wives dealing with their ADHD husbands.  This makes it a bit harder for me as a wife with ADHD to relate to some of the ADHD issues discussed, as they are quite male gender related, i.e. traditional stereotypical roles (being a reliable breadwinner for instance).

Another thing worth mentioning is that being diagnosed with ADHD later in life has definitely come as a shock and was the last thing I expected.  This has made it difficult for me to be certain about the diagnosis. My doctor assessed me as having ADHD first with a computer questionnaire and then by having me undergo a SPECT scan.  The scan results came back showing four deviations from normal, supporting a diagnosis of ADHD.  I have also asked my doctor on a number of occasions if he is absolutely sure about the diagnosis.  I just thought this was the way I was, a bit quirky, perhaps.  My husband does not believe I have ADHD or that ADHD is a condition that even exists.  I think he and our sons think it is just a label people use to excuse laziness or bad behaviour.  I have asked my husband to visit the doctor with me to discuss this but he does not want to go.  He feels the same way about counselling.  I've gone to counsellors over the years to sort out difficulties on my own (both before and after my diagnosis of ADHD).  That has helped a little but I find it difficult to work on the marriage without my partner being willing to be involved in any therapeutic process. 

The more I read about ADHD though the more I believe the diagnosis may be true, i.e. I have always been disorganized, I found schoolwork easy but got my work done quickly and then mucked about. I've always had lots of ideas going on at once.  I find it hard to be decisive as I can see both sides of an argument (can be accused of being a fence sitter).  When younger I was much more headstrong and opinionated but being married for over 30 years, having having children, etc., has shown me I am definitely not right about everything.  I have a thirst for knowledge, an entrepreneurial spirit and am a bit zany and madcap with an irreverrant sense of humour (some would say a bad case of "foot in mouth disease").  I am very emotional and find it difficult not to cry when having the same old "heated" discussions, that never seem to reach any resolution.  It is now just easier to keep my thoughts to myself and try do what is expected of me.  But no matter how I try, I cannot hold things in forever and out they come, which means another "discussion" that goes nowhere good.  I also tend to embarrass my family - by saying things they wished I wouldn't, or by laughing too loud, drawing attention to myself (and to THEM!).  I do try to control this and promise myself I will be careful what I say when out visiting.  But you can probably guess how that goes....!

Anyway, still have a way to go with the book but thought I'd say hi and see if there were any other females with ADHD or husbands of wives with ADHD who may wish to share their thoughts.

My husband is a loving, generous, very smart man who was diagnosed as an adult with add. We have been together 14 years and have children. He holds down a fairly flexible job and is good at it, but has difficulty with any deadlines, reports, meetings, and schedules in general and so far has been able to avoid getting in too much trouble over it (I understand that these things are hard for him but I worry about his job security). We argue frequently and heatedly, and I am numb and exhausted from it, and worry about the toll it must take on our children, even though I try to shield them from it. 

I have begged him repeatedly to go to counseling with me, and am beginning to accept the fact that even if it means he may lose me, or we may continue in the same patterns forever, he just will not go. He says that he just can't bear to talk about conflict or difficult things. He can't bear the talking part, and for me, the only way to get through a difficulty is to discuss it, or try to fix it. He literally compares this process to torture. He will not go to a counselor with me because he can't stand the idea of having to talk about everything. I have come out and told him that I wished he loved me or cared enough about me to go--what could it hurt? And he still won't. I tell him that we fight way too much and too heatedly, and that this is damaging for everyone and not ok. I am heartbroken when he refuses and says, "do what you have to do, then--I wake up every day and try to be a good person and start fresh." 

When I do try to talk to him on my own, he can be very defensive. For years, he was very good at turning everything back around on me--I was the one with the problem, I was angry, I was intolerant... He is a bright person and discussions quickly feel like they are turning into debates, which he usually wins by wearing me down, dissecting my feelings until I am left sad and doubting myself. 

Toughest thing: our entire existence as a family depends on me for structure and stability. Everything: food, bills, errands, pickup, drop off, medical care, taxes, appointments, children's education, family communication, cleaning, laundry--I feel like I either have to do these things or nag him to the point of fighting to get him to--he is "helping" or it is a special occasion for him to. He justifies it by explaining how many other things he does--works on the house, earns extra money with private ventures (this hasn't been a reality for years), plays with the kids, has health issues, etc. But I do not feel as if it balances out and I am exhausted, in my forties, and can't imagine going on like this. Plus, I have my own career that I am good at and I am so tired all the time I can barely even smile or take happiness in anything, anymore. And he is pretty nocturnal, and left to his own devices, would retire about 4 a.m. each day and sleep until noon. Which would be ok. If we were 19. And didn't have small children. Who get up at 6. 

He does do things--they are just not a priority in my eyes and they do not make sense. The classic things--can't wash a dish but will spend 8 hours in the driveway waxing his car. Doesn't really edit his thoughts--I understand now that this is part of the territory--but he will say everything from how hot some other woman is to embarrassing me (once) at a holiday party at work by yelling sort of a joke, that wasn't really funny, when an elderly lady lost her coat. Becomes upset if he does get engaged in something and gets interrupted. Quick to anger. Forgets every birthday and holiday. Every gift ever purchased for any relative comes from me. Wants sex but gets defensive when I ask him to work with me to be romantic or affectionate--I have lost all interest because I am so wounded. When he does work, it is when he has the energy or focus for it, sometimes in long sustained bursts that leave him dropping dirty dishes in his wake and ignoring absolutely everything for days, including me and our children. He thinks he is a hero when he pulls a series of 14 hour days rebuilding a bathroom that was the lowest priority on the long home repair list that we have. And he set up a table saw in the kitchen, with no plastic or warning to me, and just started cutting wood one day--and thought I was unreasonable, and a b**ch, because I complained about it never being finished and about being left to clean up the sawdust, dirt, and power tools that he left everywhere when he sort-of finished. I don't care that he worked on the bathroom so much--I care that by default I got left to handle everything for two weeks without any discussion beforehand, then I was the bad guy when I complained about this. "This is the way I work--I can't do it any other way," he explains. 

We have no relatives close by to help and our house is usually so messy, I am embarrassed to have people over. I have become buried, and feel like he is sort of taking me down with him in terms of being messy and disorganized--I just don't have the energy for it anymore. I hide how unhappy we are although I am tired of going in to work with puffy eyes from crying the night before. He takes medication and has other health problems, which just make it harder for him to function and makes me look like more of a shrew when I criticize him. Most of all, he accuses me of being angry all the time and I know he is right, I am. I don't want to be. I feel like if I just shut up and could roll with it, and be superwoman, and let him be a very smart, charming, 9 year-old, everything would be fine. 

Wow, that was a lot. Appreciate this forum and being able to let it out. Anyone out there got any advice or suggestions? 

Anyone else experience any of this? 

Good article from the Wall Street Journal today on marital nagging.  It's not specific to ADHD, but the nature of the problem and the recommendations are just as valid (or perhaps more so!) in an ADHD relationship.  http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203806504577180811554468728.html

What I found really interesting about the article was that the most important behavior for the one making the requests seemed to be to find a way to *not put pressure* on their partner.  Exactly how one accomplishes that will depend on the nature of the individuals involved.

Now, I have to admit, I'm very "allergic" to pressure myself, even though I don't have ADHD.  So I can understand *why* somebody with ADHD would not like being pressured.  What can be harder to understand is how someone with ADHD can feel pressure about something that most people wouldn't feel pressured by, or at least prefer to be aware of, even if there was some pressure involved.  If I've forgotten to take care of something my boss has asked me to do, I sure would appreciate somebody reminding me, no matter how pressured it made me feel.  So what makes folks with ADHD feel pressure so differently, so often?

The hypothesis I've come up with is that when non-ADHD partners are actively nagging, we are effectively communicating to our ADHD spouses that they *ought* to be able to remember whatever it is we are nagging about.  We are conditioned by societal norms to expect that "memory problems" don't exist per se outside of Alzheimer's or amnesia, that the problem is solely a question of interest, or will, or affection -- and sometimes this conditioning even overcomes our conscious awareness of the ADHD-partner's known memory issues!  But, of course, the truth is that memory issues is one of the hallmarks of having ADHD.  Regardless of whether the ADHD spouse understands or acknowledges this situation, they at least usually have some level of awareness that they frequently get into trouble about memory issues, and that they usually end up on the short end of the stick of such conflicts -- so they understandably wish to avoid what they suspect they can't handle well again.  Failing can be scary and upsetting for *lots* of people, whether they have ADHD or not.    Failing at things that are important to a key person in your life can be even more scary and upsetting, and can scare and upset them, too.  (Think about that.  From the ADHDer's point of view, we non-ADHD nagging spouses are demanding that they do something that they feel strongly is going to end up failing and being scary and upsetting to their  non-ADHD spouse.  If they don't grasp the differences between how an ADHDer thinks and how a non-ADHDer thinks, is it any wonder they sometimes believe we're irrational?)

Surely we folks who don't have ADHD can understand the feelings of a person who feels pushed into a situation they really doubt they can succeed in.   However, it seems to me that it's much more challenging for someone with ADHD to understand how annoying it can be to a person with a good memory, when the ADHDer forgets.  Most people with ADHD have never had the experience of a good memory -- how can they possibly stand in the non-ADHDer's shoes and feel what we feel?

So, it seems to me that resolving this paradigm requires the non-ADHDer to take the first steps, and those steps need to involve restructuring the situation so that the ADHD spouse doesn't feel that once again he/she is being forced to put themselves into a situation where they're going to fail and upset both parties.   There are any number of options of how to restructure that I've tried.  I can stop being upset when my spouse fails to remember, "yet again".  I can stop sounding naggy when I make my requests, and make them without emotion or criticism or other pressure.  I can help him see that my feelings and reactions about the situation are different from his, because my memory works differently from his, so that what seems irrational to him really isn't to me.   I can use humor to defuse frustrations.  I can try to avoid requesting him to handle high-failure-risk tasks.  I can go to the extreme of never requesting anything.  I'm sure there are other methods I'm not thinking of.

Obviously, there are obstacles inherent in any of these approaches.  If I don't get upset when he forgets, how will he understand that his forgetting is not a good thing?  If I don't pressure him when I make my request, how will he understand its importance to me?  When my husband and I were dealing with this issue in years past, I had to find *new ways* to put this across to him.  Our regular meetings, three times a week, was one very important vehicle for communicating these kinds of things.  I could unemotionally ask, "So, where do things stand on the taxes?" and if he'd told me for six meetings in a row that he has forgotten to take care of them, even he will be able to remember enough to realize that he should have done *something* by that point.   At most I would have to say, "OK, honey, this is becoming a problem" -- stating a simple fact he's already seen for himself --  he would know that it matters to me (or I wouldn't be asking at all) and he'd know he needed to take a different approach to getting them done, because what he'd been doing wasn't working.  And then we'd discuss alternative possibilities and form a plan and move forward.  The WSJ article offers other ways of handling such concerns.  You may have found some of your own.

Once my husband didn't feel like he was failing all the time, once we restructured so that he was more likely to get things done (and done more on-time and more completely), he was less and less likely to feel pressured by reminders.  This was real progress, yet it was also a dangerous time -- we were both so encouraged that we became overconfident and began to expect he could do more than he really could handle.  Yes, it's appropriate to push the boundaries a bit, we should all be challenged and grow -- but it has to be carefully considered whether the expectations are realistic or not.  We eventually found a very good balance.

Arwen

"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."  Albus Dumbledore