Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Is it healthy to resent your spouse so often? by: lkimberl 12 years 9 months ago

    My Husband and I have been together 5 years and married for 3.  We have one son and a baby on the way.  I am the breadwinner in the family as I have my masters degree and all the attempts  my husband has made to go to college have ended because he needed me to monitor and support him in his classes too much - I often ended up finishing the classes for him - online classes.  He works in telecommunications and is pretty good at it and this year we moved to Alaska and he started a new position and decided he needed meds to help him with focus.  He is on meds for the first time in over 15 years.  I should mention in addition to ADHD he suffers from OCD, tourettes syndrome, and social anxiety.  He works the mid shift, 4 to midnight and that means he cannot handle anything else in his life.  He can't put dishes in the sink, pick up his socks, pants, clothing, he never eats meal left overs and goes out to eat for nearly every meal - he also can't handle making sandwiches as he never leaves himself enough time and asks me to do it.  He says his meds keep him from falling asleep before 5 am and he often sleeps on the couch - ok actually always sleeps on the couch because he can't fall asleep next to me due to the fear of waking me apparently keeps him lying awake.  On his days off he is obsessed with cleaning his car, buying new parts to spoof up his car, and when the weather gets nicer he wants to race his car on a track (not against other cars) which is the reason I think last year he needed a new clutch.  This is one of our only two cars and the only reliable car (my car is a 2003 with 150k  miles on it).  Prior to meeting my husband I was in the process of buying my own home (my credit was established and amazing) and our union became a financial nightmare - we enable each other to spend lots of money on credit cards that we have yet to pay on.  We cannot qualify for a car loan, a home loan, we cannot even get a credit card right now.  We are making more money than we ever have and I am working at a job that makes me happier than I ever have.  He wants to buy so many things that we "need" and I feel like the nagging mom.  I have to start paying on my student loans next year, we are having another baby, and I want to start paying off our debt.  I want to make sacrifices so we can get ahead and he just wants an allowance that is super large so he can buy performance parts for his car, new tablets, new phones (new smart phone every 6 mos), blueray DVD players, and my son apparently never has enough outfits (3 pairs of boots this year, 3 snowsuits - very excessive).  He needs a shopvac for his car, ramps to drive his car up on, a small vacuum, special buffing cream the list never ends.  Meanwhile I never get my hair done (he tells me I should), and make sacrifices to pay our bills and still allow him the spending money he needs to be happy and not angry.  When we don't have money he makes me miserable and is really unhappy and often with his impulsive spending we live paycheck to paycheck even though I am making more money than I ever have.  He makes about 60% what I do and I am getting to the point where I want to get separate bank accounts - although when I mentioned it he said we might as well get divorced so it is a sore subject. 

    I told him I wanted to start setting aside 800 dollars a month to pay off past debt, have security if a car breaks down, and to start saving for a house and he flat out told me no.  He says we didn't sacrifice to move to Alaska so that we would live poorly.  He said we deserve to spend and enjoy our money.  We are heading to the lower 48 in March for his sister's wedding and he informed me (2400 for those tickets) that he needs a tablet for the trip (he had a 400 dollar tablet he decided to give to him mom for christmas swearing he wouldn't need another one).  He also informed me he would need lots of spending money to have fun while we are there and he plans to buy a bunch of things for my nephews (no birthdays) which don't get me started he insists on spending 100s for their birthdays and christmas. 

    When we argue he somehow always turns it around so I apologize and he always wins.  He also thinks I don't consider his disabilities enough and recently accused me of needing to get help for my focusing issues - I hd to promise to bring it up with the doctor.  I have to pay bills, clean the house, pick up after him (house stays cleaner when he is at work), I take care of all the grown up stuff and the garbage would never make it to the curb if I didn't remind him.

    Lately I have been comparing my marriage to other couples our age.  I can't help but feel like the spouses of my girlfriends seem to take care of the family more.  I get jealous and feel like I want that.  I want dinner made for me every once in a while and more co-parenting.  He didn't pick up the slack with my last pregnancy and I really didn't get a lot of sympathy or extra care from him - he doesn't stop me from carrying too many groceries that kind of thing - I guess he thinks I am being over cautious when I ask him to lift our 3 year old into his bed when he is sleeping or into the carseat.  He also won't do poopy diapers - because I do them better - he won't do them in public period because of his anxiety. 

    I love him and I love having him in my life but I feel so angry and resentful towards him and in the last two years I have fantasized about leaving him every few months (then I get over it - which I am sure I will this time) and how clean my home would be and how wonderfully structured our son's life would be - he things structure is over-rated and often trumps me by giving him drinks late at night (and he pees the bed) or says he can stay up later etc. and his whole routine is off for a few days and almost always his teacher and daycare mention something was off - our son needs routine and structure. 

    I have been reading these forums and I am trying to be patient with my husband as he tries to tweek his meds and I am trying to see the progress.  But I wonder is my marriage ok?  I always envy what others seem to have - a partner- I feel like I take care of my husband- I want to be taken care of sometimes - I sometimes hate him and think he is emotionally abusive - which he doesn't see at all and I sound like a blubbering idiot in every discussion/argument we have.  I have tried emailing him and he doesn't have time for couples therapy with his schedule and he is trying to see someone about his own issues.  We always have the same arguments and have spoken about divorce twice in the last year.  Last month I really truly believed we were in a better place than we have ever been - and then I brought up saving money and he was repulsed by it.  I hate him when he asks to spend money period...I cringe when he asks to buy something because one of two things happen - one I say no and I am the evil bitch and he mopes for days and then I cave so I can see him smile or two I say yes just so I can be the good guy and he will be happy. 

    I want to plan for the future and he will never want to - will he?  I want a family for my children and I do love him and I know on some levels he is a good dad but I feel like he brings out the negative in me - not sure how to move forward...

    Just now he decided to walk out of his job and take an early weekend because his coworkers unfairly are making him do all the work on superbowl sunday - which sucks - but he can't just walk out he might get fired!  He has a baby on the way - he said if he gets fired that would be great because he could collect unemployment.  We can't afford for him to lose his job right now - very frustrated.

  • all the cupboard doors are open in my kitchen by: gardener447 12 years 9 months ago

    Is this ADD? 

  • I'VE FINALLY MADE A DECISION by: gratitudeiskey 12 years 9 months ago
    Hi everyone: Don't know where to start but I'll do my best to keep the backstory short. I'm non-ADHD spouse in 7th year of marriage. I married him for all the wrong reasons. The co-dependant, low self esteem part of my fell in love with the the over the top 2 year courtship never stopping once to think that anything was wrong. Yes, he played some video games. Yes, he had trouble keeping things organized but I was there to help him with all of that and the level of adoration, commitment, love, sex, romance that I got in return seemed like a great payoff. Got married, got pregnant within weeks (I was 38) and had a baby all in one year. He literally shut down on our honeymoon. He slept for most of the first two days and pouted the next 3. I had no clue what was happening. He has been in shut down mode ever sense. Was diagnosed with ADHD and depression our 3rd year in. He took his pills and thought all was great because he could focus better. I would nag, rant, rave, beg, plead for him to spend time with me and do family things but he was into his video game (World of Warcraft) and addicted to porn, etc. We have sex about twice a year now...if that. 3 years ago this Valentines day, I had had enough. I told him that I wanted out and moved out, with my daughter, to my parents. He went into a tail spin, ended up in a psych unit and then when he came out, found a new love interest and started having an affair. All the time, my 3 year old was MISERABLE. My mother was telling me that I was making the wrong move and I listened to my child cry for her father every night. It was three months of hell. Finally, I decided I had to go back, by then he wanted out to be with this woman and started divorce proceedings. We pulled it out of the fire and we've been on cruise control ever sense. We were going regularly to see an ADHD coach together (me to additional private sessions). Things started to feel better. Not a lot had changed but it helped me understand what was going on. He stopped wanting to go about 9 months ago and we've been in a steady decline ever sense. I've stayed in this marriage to provide one world for my child. It's very, very low conflict in that we don't fight, bicker, argue...EVER. The house is calm. I thought calm was all that was needed. I thought I could make up for the rest of the attention she wasnt' getting from him. Two days ago my daughter actually said to him "Don't yell at me, you're always playing THE GAME, what do you care". His answer was "I'm not always on the game". She emphatically said "YES, YOU ARE". Truth is, if he's not playing the game from the time he gets home 3pm until 10pm at night, he's obsessing over building RC cars. All of this happens downstairs completely away from us. Most days I don't even get a hello when I come home from work. Yesterday, on the way to a playdate, my daughter asked why I was driving and not Daddy and I told he was at work and I joked and said "Hey, what am I chopped liver?". She said, "No, no momma. It's just that you're ALWAYS with me. I just get disappointed that I don't see Daddy." She paused and said "Ya know, it's like you guys are divorced. You just live in the same house and aren't mad at each other". I was speachless. THIS is what I've been teaching her. This is what my mom taught me. Well, it ends with me. I won't do this anymore. I'm worth more and so is my daugther. I mentioned it to my husband and he had no comments. I prompted him for one and he said "Well, she's 6, what does she know". And with that....I"M DONE. I have a lot of work dto do between now and leaving but I'm starting the work right now. I'll be going to a CODA meeting next week, I'm going to get to a therapist to only work on myself (don't working on him or marriage issues). The bottom line is that I know he's here, that he would prefer to stay married, he holds a job, and he fully admitts he has ADHD and takes meds and all....but it's not enough. He says he sees how it affects us but he's just simply unable or unwilling to put in the work it would take to make this better. I acknowlege that 50% of this is me also. I'm codependant to the core, I am addicted to food (i go to OA meetings to deal with that), I have self esteem issues and I'm a horrible speller (sorry, moment of levity). I take 100% accountability for my 50%. I deserve someone who takes accountability for there "stuff" too. My daughter doesn't deserve to have a dad in the house that isn't present. I used to think that just being here was good enough but now I see that we are doing more damage than good. I'm going to set up a meeting with out ADHD coach/marriage counselor to talk about the end. If he chooses to step up, great. But as it stands right now, I'm going to make my life with him or without him. This is about me and my daughter. Nothing has been about me in a very, very long time. I just have to stay on the path to get help for my issues. If I don't, I will be stuck in this patteren forever and my daughter will marry a man just like this....JUST LIKE I MARRIED A MAN JUST LIKE MY DAD. Like I said, it ends with me. One thing that I do need advice on....how do I stop doing all the things I used to do for him. If i don't do the money/bills, he will ruin us. Even with me in control, he manage to spend $650 on RC car parts this month. He spent his bonus at work instead of giving it to the household account like he said. So, unless I want to lose the house and car, I have to do that for him. So do I only buy enough groceries for Victoria and I? Do I just not cook for him or do his laundry or remind him he has to refill his pills, or to set his alarm to get up in the morning. Or that he hasn't eaten cuz he's been on the game for 12 hours? Is THAT the type of stuff that I'm supposed to detach from? Thanks for listening!!! Sorry it was so long. Gina B
  • ADHD and Processing Issues, Part 2: Working Memory and What LOOKS Like Lying by: ADHDMomof2 12 years 9 months ago

    Has anyone out there with ADHD had the experience of appearing to be, but not actually, lying due to working memory issues?  About a week ago, I had what has to be the trillionth such event with my husband.  The story itself is stupid but serves to illustrate my point:

     

    My husband, father-in-law, and son had gone out and my ADHD son had forgotten some sporting equipment in my father-in-law’s car.  My father-in-law realized this and called to relay this information, adding he might not have time to drop it off.  He lives about 40 minutes away.

     

    My husband was out during the call and when he returned, I told him that our little guy had forgotten something in his Dad’s car, and that we might have to pick it up.  My husband was annoyed, which I had anticipated, but I had not anticipated him blaming his Dad, which he did. 

     

    At the time of his annoyance, I had the following thoughts floating around:

    v     it’s not worth it to get worked up about this

    v     it was an accident; it happens

    v     his Dad was in pain following surgery; no wonder he didn’t feel like dropping it off

    v      I could pick it up; husband had been really sweet this past week helping me out while I had lots of work to do this week 

     

    Some unrelated thoughts...

    v     I can’t believe I remembered to relay a message…woo-hoo!

    v     1 thought concerning a question he had asked me earlier that afternoon and why had he asked it, which led to…

    v     4 irrelevant thoughts related to his mood, my interpretation of his mood, and whether or not I was reading into it. 

     

    Two judgemental thoughts I had but dismissed in favor of the first four thoughts above…

    v     Isn’t he being hypocritical?  He would want me to take responsibility if our son had forgotten something and I hadn’t noticed.

    v     I’m doing him a favor by informing him of his hypocrisy; he would not want to be hypocritical; it’s his biggest pet peeve

     

    I calmly asked him why he was getting so upset at his Dad and was thinking about telling him I could pick it up.  He got upset with me because he felt I was defending his Dad instead of him.  He has many issues with his parents, hasn’t been on good terms with his mother for almost a year and has life-long issues with his father, who lived in another country for a number of years while he was young.  It never even occurred to me he would get mad for that reason.  My response was to tell him that he shouldn’t be mad at him, that it wasn’t a big deal, and asked (calmly) what he would say to me if I had forgotten our son’s belongings in his father’s car.  This last thought, which I had previously dismissed, resurfaced when he asked me why I defended his Dad.  This made him even angrier and he told me I was just being vengeful for the times he’s tried to make me take responsibility.  I told him this wasn’t my motivation and argued that I was thinking it wasn’t a big deal, his Dad’s back hurt, and I could pick it up.  He argued that I was lying; this was about vengeance.  Minutes into the argument, I COMPLETELY FORGOT about having wanted to pick up it up for him, his Dad’s back, and that I didn’t feel it was a big deal.  I was listening to his assertion that I was being petty, and following this thought, I remembered that when I first relayed the message, I did think about his hypocrisy.  At this point, NOT REMEMBERING THAT I HAD DISMISSED THOSE THOUGHTS EARLIER, AND WITHOUT RECALLING THEY HAD RESURFACED in answer to his question, I conceded he was right.  Then he told me I had lied, because my first response had been to tell him that I was only thinking of him when in fact I had vengeance on my mind.  When he told me that I had lied and that I had contradicted myself, I DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.    I had no clue I had contradicted myself, because I didn’t remember processing all of those thoughts.  That’s right; my memory is that piss-poor.  The funny thing is that I was calm when stating my thoughts, wasn’t being argumentative or defensive, AND I apologized!!!  I have been working on not impulsively arguing, not being defensive, and apologizing when necessary. 

     

    This kind of shit happens a lot.  I can see how it looks like lying, but it is not.   I can forget what I've said and thought pretty quickly, and when I have contradicting thoughts (as we complicated humans do sometimes), boy, does it make me look a crazy liar.  I have explained this fight and others to my therapist, and she tells me she hears this frequently from her ADHD patients as a frustrating symptom complaint.  She says it is a working memory issue. My husband thinks I have a lying problem.  It hurts me deeply to know that my husband thinks I have a serious character flaw that I do not have.  I have tried to explain this to him, but he won’t listen.  Again, he thinks I am making excuses.  My therapist thinks I should point out my thinking when we are not fighting so he is more receptive.  I am going to do that at the next opportunity.  Has anyone else experienced this issue?  If so, how do you handle it?

  • ADHD and Processing, Part 1: Difficulty Answering Questions Quickly and Directly by: ADHDMomof2 12 years 9 months ago

    My husband is a bottom-line kind of guy.  Highly logical in most matters, gets to the point, great executive functioning.  He understands some of my issues better than most as concerns my ADHD.  There are some issues, however, where he could not possibly understand me less.  My difficulty in answering questions directly when he asks a “simple Yes-or-No question” causes him great aggravation.  He considers my “refusal” to heed his request that I answer yes or no immediately as a sign of disrespect and that I don’t listen to him.  I understand that this circumlocution that I go through is annoying. Both my ADHD Mom and ADHD son do the same thing and I want them to get to the point, too.  I have made progress in a related area, which is answering when he speaks to me.  I used to have a great difficulty initiating a verbal response when he would ask a question, either when it was the first words of a conversation, or when my attention was elsewhere.   It would take me a long time to process, and it didn’t occur to me that I should perhaps not leave him hanging until he snapped at me for being rude, because at the moment I was engaged trying to formulate the thoughts to answer him.  I now answer more quickly, but truth be told, there are many times when I am simultaneously trying to process what the answer actually is WHILE I am trying to answer it.  This makes it difficult to answer yes or no because I have to navigate to the answer.  My short-term memory is poor, so recalling that type of information and ensuring that my memories are not just “memories” that my brain created, is not easy for me.  I am realizing while I write this that by curing one problem I have created another.   Now the process that used to take place quietly in my head is happening out loud.  Sigh. 

    I’ve told both my husband and my therapist that when a question is asked and I am experiencing that difficulty, I can visualize a path I have to go through to get to the answer, sometimes even when I THINK I know what the answer is.  My therapist understands this, but my non-ADHD husband thinks I am refusing to take responsibility.  Part of it is that I’m trying to remember what happened, if, for example he asked me if I completed a task.  I want to be sure I am correct, so I talk it through to be sure.  Also, I might think I know what the answer is when I start to answer, but once I start meandering through that path, I might recall other things that affect my answer.  I won’t know unless I go through that process.

    The above-mentioned therapist not only has great expertise in ADHD; she also really “gets” me.  She says this challenge is a processing issue for me.  I am working on it, but it is very difficult and I don’t know how much is controllable with practice.  Tonight, he asked me whether or not I knew where an invitation to a party was because he wanted the address.  I was trying to process whether or not I even knew where it was, whether I moved it, whether I might have accidentally thrown it out, whether it was in my office, on the coffee table, side of the fridge, and so on.  Essentially, my brain was searching while I was talking.  I answered “No” after 2 sentences of explanation.  That is not a lot for me.  It was an EFFORT to whittle it down to 2 sentences that quickly.  I’m not kidding.  I don’t even know how I did it.  He’s still mad at me and doesn’t want to hear my explanation. He thinks it’s an excuse.  Why would I continue to do this if it was easy to correct?  What am I possibly getting out of this???

     

    Has anyone had similar experiences and/or successfully resolved this issue?  I do feel that part of this issue is my husband's own impatience, not just with me, but in general.  Still, it is important to him, and I want him to understand that for that alone, it is important to me.

     

     

  • New to Forum : Therapy Issue - please help by: mslaurats 12 years 9 months ago

    I recently began therapy for myself.   I am not in a particularly bad place in my life but I want some help with some issues that are holding me back.   One issue are some of the disconnects between my husband and I which I talked about during my first session.  My husband has many of the characteristics of ADHD including irritability and impatience, and some communication issues.  My therapist suggested he had ADHD and I casually agreed because on the surface it appears that way.

    During the second session we had talked about some re-occuring dreams I have had.   The message of which the therapist related to me wanting to leave my husband.   I don't want to leave my husband in waking life.  We have only been married two years.   We have a tender relationship and I really love him, though I agree with the therapist there were signs in the dream that part of me wanted to run away from the marriage including a not so subtle dream in which I did run away. 

    The note we ended on during the second session was the therapist telling me that my husband had ADHD, that he was wired differently, and was not really ever going to substantially change, and I needed to needed to decide if I could accept that.

    I feel like she shouldn't have tried to diagnose him without ever having met him.   And I thought it was awful of her to say he would never substantially change.   It felt so harsh and depressing.

    I have faith that if that there are core things he can work on with the help of his own therapy and possible techniques like mindfulness meditation which he is committed to.

    Do you think the therapist was irresponsible to say he had ADHD and wouldn't change because of his different wiring?

     

     

  • Not sure what the future holds by: Lostandconfused 12 years 9 months ago

    I am posting here as a means of venting and perhaps for some feedback as well, not to air dirty laundry. I am 42 yr young housewife who has been married 24 years. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 35. I can't tell you how ecstatic I was. I felt like a light switch had been turned on. On a personal level, my life slowly began to improve. After having walked away from so many jobs

     

  • From the bottom of my heart, thank you! by: aaron12 12 years 9 months ago

    It is because of this site that I was able to realize what has been plaguing my marriage and relationships, ADHD. My wife came upon this site while trying to figure out a way to communicate with me, something we have NEVER had a problem with. She asked me to read through a few posts and I decided to indulge her, thinking to myself, "I'm not hyper, i don't fidget, there are certainly things that I focus on very well..."etc. Even she believed it to only, "have a lot stories that sound just like ours! but I'm not saying I think you have ADD/HD". It took me about 10 minutes of reading (especially the spouses without ADHD who posted) to begin crying and finally, for the first time in 27 years know what was wrong with me. Unfortunately it was the fighting with my wife that made me see everything so clearly. The snapping, not understanding why she was so upset, lying. Things that I never equated with myself, in my mind, I was a calm, easy going, understanding and loving husband. In my wife's mind, I was easily angered, lazy, forgetful, unloving and worst of all I had "changed". I hated hearing that! I knew that I hadn't, I accepted that, yes, we were fighting a lot more than usual, but just chalked it up to her being crazy or it being that time of the month...every week. Anyways, before I continue rambling too much, I just wanted to thank everyone who posts on this site, those with and those without ADHD. I can confidently say that this site saved my marriage and possibly my life. I have been blessed beyond measure with a loving wife who is willing to do ANYTHING to make our marriage a long, happy, and fruitful one. She has been my rock through it all and continues to stand by my side as I RE-find myself. I look forward to joining this community and offering help as I feel fit, but also knowing that I am not alone (as I have felt for most of my life) and that there are people willing to listen and take the time out of their days to respond to and help strangers...it is a very warm feeling. Thank you all!

  • Is it ADHD or does he just not love me? by: Waterfall 12 years 9 months ago

    I need some advice. This is the first time I've ever posted, but I have been using this site as a resource for a few months. My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD. I am the one who tries to keep it all together. Six months ago I found out that my husband was pursuing several women via Facebook and one woman at work. I was devastated. After years of being ignored, cleaning up his messes, yada yada yada, he found a way to convince himself that I caused him to look elsewhere. I told him I wanted a divorce. When he realized I was serious, he changed his tune. He said he would do anything to save our marriage. I asked him to read Melissa Orlov's book, to go to counseling, clean up some financial matters, pay attention to me, stop walking out on me every time something doesn't suit him. My list was reasonable and I even wrote it down for him so he wouldn't have to remember anything. Fast forward six months later and he still hasn't done one thing on the list. I have told him I will divorce him if he won't do the things I've asked. He lost the list, but insists he wants to do everything I asked him to do. He swears he loves me more than anything. So my question is, how much of this refusal to do anything I've asked a product of his ADHD, and how much of it is that he is just full of sh{t? About once a month for the past six months I have reminded him that I will not allow my needs to be ignored anymore. We've been married for 10 years and they have all been devoted to his needs. I won't be ignored anymore. He actually left me two days ago because I brought the subject up again. He is mad at me for not believing him when he says he wants to do the things on the list. He acts like I am the unreasonable one. Who is the unreasonable one here?

  • I scored off the chart but task-forgetful wife is mild?! by: PCH1998 12 years 9 months ago

    I have always figured I have had mild ADHD. While working with a psychiatrist for other issues, he tested me for ADHD and I shockingly scored nearly off the chart. However, my wife who always leaves stuff in disarray, moves from one task to another without fully completing but eventually does, amongst other things, scored mildly. How can this be?!

     

    Looking forward to furer evaluation and treatment plan on Wednesday.  Also enjoying Orlov's book On ADHD/Marriage. 

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