Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Suspect ADD in both of us by: transient 12 years 9 months ago

    I don't even know where to begin and there's nothing I can say in this post that hasn't been said before, I'm sure. I am desperate to vent because I am so angry I think I might explode.

    My H and I have been married about 2 years. Dated for 1 year before that. This is a second marriage for both of us and we each have a teenage child. I have my son pretty much all the time and his daughter is with us every other week. He is 50 and I am 46.

    When I met him he was living with his parents. He told me it was because when he divorced he gave up his house because he couldn't afford it alone. And, his elderly parents needed assistance. He had his own business at the time and I was under the impression things were going smoothly for him. Turns out that was not the truth. 

    Fast forward to where we are now - we married. Too quickly, I'll admit. I should have waited another year. He and his daughter moved into my house which I already owned. He no longer has his business because, as it turns out, he was failing at every turn. It was project-based and he just could never get it together. He could get the jobs and the work he did was quality, but job after job fired him because he couldn't/wouldn't finish the work and people felt ripped off. So, he got a regular job. By the time this happened, I had learned more about his real habits and was terrified he would just not show up. But, he's really good about going to work. And, pretty responsible about it. He loves it. It pays minimum wage. Originally, when he took it the thought was he could do the job and take a few simpler side-jobs. But, that hasn't happened. The one opportunity he had for regular occasional work stopped speaking to him because he didn't respond to them quickly enough. I don't need him to support us, but I do need him to contribute. I earn about 75% more than he does and never had any problems making ends meet before we married.

    Consequently, with additional people, the living expenses for the household have increased significantly. I lost my job right before we married and incurred a significant (to me) amount of credit card debt during my unemployment. I was fortunate to be rehired by a previous employer so was only unemployed for a few months. But, I'm trying to pay off the cc debt in order to give us a little wiggle room and to correct my credit. I took a second job at Christmas in order to be able to buy gifts for the kids and family. It helped enormously but was exhausting. In the meantime, he was content to work his 8 hours and come home and piddles. We have one bathroom that hasn't functioned in a year because it needed to be replaced. He does about an hour of work on it every two weeks. I found out after we were married that he hadn't filed taxes in several years and was driving without insurance.

    I am exhausted. My son (13) asks why I put up with his laziness. And, I am wondering that myself. On top of it all - I am so angry and resentful now I can't even stand to be around my husband. Which is a shame because he has a lot of wonderful qualities. He has great potential. He wants to be productive, I think. But, he just can't....it absolutely has to frustrate him.

    I do not know how to get off this terrible ride. I have talked to him over and over again about my concerns and he'll pick up the pace for about two days and then go back to piddling. He hasn't been diagnosed. I've asked him to look into it - suggested this site (which I've been reading for a while now). But he does nothing. I have filled out the divorce papers, but haven't done anything with them. He will take the garbage out and leave it in the basement because he never gets out the door to the dumpster. He takes the compost out and can never bring the container back into the house. He does very little when he's home - when he hears me come in the basement door I always hear him jump up from watching television or playing a computer game and he runs into the kitchen and starts straightening. It's like having a 50-year old child.

    I come from a family of very hard workers. We probably work too much and are too busy being "industrious". At first, I thought that was the difference. But, after about a year - I know there is something just not right about this situation.

    His constant moving things and losing things and not taking care of anything completely throw me off balance. I am terribly depressed as a result and struggling to keep it together for my job and the household. I need some sort of order myself in order to function. It's very important to me that things be in a certain place and it really disrupts things for me when he constantly "rearranges" things. I've been reacting to these kinds of things so strongly, I am starting to think I'm OCD.

    I feel like my life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it. I resent my H to the point of repulsion. My son is looking at me like I'm nuts (of course as a teen he'd probably be doing that anyway), my super-conservative parents who don't believe in divorce have suggested I consider it....I am at my wit's end. He is not likely to ever take any medication and I gave him an ultimatum months ago about being assessed - and I agreed to go myself as he thinks I'm just not easygoing. He lost the paperwork. It's obvious he doesn't want to....I just am tired of pushing. I have no energy left and my quality of life (and my son's) and my health are suffering.

    Does anyone have a suggestion for a next step?

  • Unequal division of responsibility -- for worrying by: PoisonIvy 12 years 9 months ago

    People have been talking about anxiety quite a bit lately in connection with another topic.  I want to share my nonADHD perspective on anxiety.  One of the hardest things for me during my marriage, at least in the past few years, as our children have gotten older and had more challenging problems and our finances have gone south and other problems have popped up, has been that it appears that someone other than me decided that I should be the designated worrier and problem solver.  So, when one child almost failed a class, I worried and I dealt with the problem.  When she almost wasn't allowed to graduate, I worried and I dealt with it.  When a child got a drinking ticket, I worried and I dealt with it.  Most of the time, my ADHD spouse was not exhibiting any anxiety nor was he assisting with dealing with these issues.  Now, I am currently better understanding from reading people's posts that people with ADHD often are worrying, like about how their answers to questions are going to sound (and other things, too).  But hey, I"m over here worrying and then dealing with the problems and I DON'T LIKE IT ANYMORE THAN YOU DO! Worrying sucks!  And I know that no one HAS to worry, but I'm hardwired to be a worrier, too, and the difference between me and my spouse is that I accept that there are things to worry about, that it's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.

    OK, done whining.  This is something that frustrates and saddens me.  Thanks for "listening."

        

  • Hi YYZ and all you ADHDers out there: Sleep Issues and ADHD by: ADHDMomof2 12 years 9 months ago

     I was googling sleep issues and ADHD for my son, and I found an article from ADDITUDE magazine that stated that the circadian rhythms of individuals with ADHD are off, and that *brace yourself because this is going to sound CRAZY* taking a full or nearly full dosage of your daily meds 1 or 2 hours before sleep will help you sleep better.  I am not yet on board with that for my son, but I can tell you that anyone who knows me knows I have been saying I am chronically tired since puberty.  Apparently we ADHDers get less REM sleep as well.  MY ADHD Mom doesn't seem to have these sleep issues, but my son and I sure do.  IT WORKED!!!  My brains slows down enough so that I can actually sleep.  I sleep so soundly now!!!  So now I take my full dosage of Focalin twice a day.  Before I read somewhere else about the REM sleep issue, I noticed I could remember my dreams better.  I also don't toss and turn as much.  Totally counterintuitive, I know.  Like giving someone a stimulant to slow down their brain, I suppose.  I don't know if you have sleep issues, but in case you do, you might find this helpful...

    I am posting this under "Progress" because when you have spent the last 20 or so years wondering if people are lying or trying not to complain when they say they feel well-rested, sleep IS an important step:)!

    Going to bed now :)!!!

  • How do I communicate he needs to get treatment? by: Last_Resort 12 years 9 months ago

    My boyfriend and I of 7 years are taking a break. He (John) has move out for 6 months. He has ADHD and I've always known it. He took medication in the beginning, but hasn't for the past few years.  I never thought about it in terms of effecting our relationship. I never took ADHD seriously. Honestly, I thought "Oh ADD... everyone has that." However, now that we are trying to decide if we should stay together and work on this relationship or break up, I started doing research about some of our problems. I came across a website about Adult ADHD and relationship and I nearly fell out of my chair. John has 90% of the symptoms listed on the adult ADHD sites... procrastination, chronic lateness, distracted easily, hyper focused on video games or jeep forums (obsessed for hours and hours at a time), can't finish sentences (he gets half way through a sentence then just says... ummmm... ummmmm.... and then the thought is gone and he is off thinking about something else - happens all the time), easily frustrated.... and so forth. Then I read about the relationship problems and I started crying. It was hitting the nails right on the head. John says inappropriate things sometimes. He snaps at me easily. He can completely ignore me for hours --- then suddenly want to be intimate (and I'm like you just ignored me and now you want me to be all over you?), he has trouble understanding my emotions, he cannot plan anything (he buys gifts the day of or days after holidays or birthday --- no surprises... no special trips), he is so focused on jeeps right now that its all he does or talk about or reads about or anything --- I'm like how are jeeps so much more important than me... and so forth. We are breaking up because he relates love to sex and our sex life has severely diminished.  Its because I am emotionally unsatisfied and he is not committing to me (can't plan - has no idea what he wants - his thoughts on the subject are all over the place). Also, he is bored in the relationship (also a symptom I read about) and he is restless in our routine. Its a horrible cycle. But what I've discovered is that he is really suffering from ADHD and I am having a bad reaction to his symptoms. He is not being treated and I think the first step to our reconciliation is that he gets treated so he can sort through his flux of intentions and feelings and create a structure in which he can start getting better.

    We love each other. We are best friends. We love being near each other. I want to make this work. And now that I know we can work on getting treatment and I can better understand his symptoms and not take them personally - I think it can get better. I feel horrible for never researching it or taking it seriously before.

    I decided first I was going to talk to a therapist, he suggested I write an email about my concerns and let him know I am open to talking about it. My therapist will edit the email before I send it to John. BUT what should I say? I do I say I think you need treatment? Does anyone have an example of a good letter written from a loving partner of an ADHD person? 

  • I think my husband has ADD, but he believes I am the one with the problem. Help? by: ShannonE 12 years 9 months ago

    I'm pretty sure my marriage ended tonight.  After 19 years together and married 10 of those with two boys (8 & 3-8 yr old has ADHD), we are at the end.  I have finally found out about adult ADHD by reading books and going to the CHADD meetings and listening to the stories...I have to say it sounds like us.  My husband is ready to leave the marriage because he is tired of not having any physical contact with me.  And while I understand this for him and myself, the reason for not being intimate with my husband are numerous.  Once I started reading about adult ADHD, I saw so many things that were us.  Some sounded more like me, but others were clearly him.  He isn't the classic case.  He hyper-focuses on work, coaching, wrestling, our business and then leaves hardly anytime for me or our kids.  He has kept his job for years, is well liked in the community, does a good job for most people when they need his help, but his family life seems so secondary or last that it keeps me from connecting.  I am his third marriage, he has filed bankruptcy before, and we are closed to filing again because our business is failing and he keeps moving forward.  We don't sleep together because he snores so bad and he complains that he would sleep with me, but I don't want him to.  That I should just wear my earplugs.  But we have kids that are constantly up and down at night and my sleep is already broken.  He says that his is a good guy, he is, and that he deserves someone to sleep with.  He thinks I just want to treat him like a meal ticket because I'm a stay at home mom and have been for most of the time since our children were born.  I'm overwhelmed by my first child's ADHD, possibly Aspergers as well, doing it mostly on my own and then because I'm exhausted and adding to my chaos is my husband's lack of focus on family due to the stress level we both are under.  So I have nothing left to give to anyone.  My husband is a good man and I am feeling like maybe it is all my fault, but why?  I don't even know where to begin. I have asked him to consider checking out Adult ADD before he leaves the marriage.  I think it's a huge component to us.  He thinks I should get evaluated then if that's the case, but it's only to prove I don't have it and that he does.  He doesn't think he needs to be evaluated and said if I was a coke addict, would he have to do detox with me?  Says I need to fix myself. He is so angry at me. What now? 

     

     

  • The ADHD Effects on Marriage by: messedup 12 years 9 months ago

    I have finished reading "The ADHD Effects on Marriage".  What a surprise!!!  My spouse decided to read it too!!!  Funny he decided we should jump to step six.  I am thinking we need to go thru all six steps.  He was gracious enough to tell me i might need to get someone to help with my depression.  While he decided to let work interfere with him getting in contact with his doctor to get his prescription for his ADHD.  So he has been off of his ADHD medication for a number of weeks.  He does not want to find out why i am depressed.  I had hoped that him reading the book would be an eye opening experience.

  • unable to cope by: ADDonfire 12 years 9 months ago

    Let me say, first and foremost.  I love my wife.  I love her with all my heart, and I would go to the ends of the earth and do anything physically possible for her.  I am attracted to her in every way.  She is everything an ADDer like me would be attracted to, plus sooooo much more.  She is my "distraction" most of the time.  I have to try not to daydream about her during my work days and projects.  I really could make a whole page of the things I love about her...  but with all that...  I am unable to make her happy.

    she has "checked out", gone cold, and put up a wall that seems unscalable.  She has had one disappointment too much from me.  Her hurt, turned anger, has turned into cold apathy.  "I don't even care to try"  she says "I just don't have faith that you'll ever change"  I think the abusive words when she was angry hurt less.  at least with her anger my ADD brain thrust me into defensiveness so I could avoid any blame.(for the record, I'm not condoning defensiveness)  those words though.  and the look of disappointment on her face...  A look like I've never seen before.  If I could imagine what a thousand knives stabbed into my heart simultaneously felt like, that would be what I felt.  As she explained how she felt alone, rejected, ignored, and like I didn't give a shit about her, my knees began to shake.  I began to feel sick, and dizzy.  My heart pounding on my chest like it was trying to get out and run away.  All the words adding up to say "I don't believe I want to be married to you, and I think it was a mistake." 

    what do you say?...  My brain must have ran through a thousand different word choice and reaction scenarios.  I can only imagine the dumb frozen look on my face for the seconds before breaking into tears.  thinking to myself.  "how could I not know I'm doing this to her"? "How broken and faulty am I?"  

    the only thing to come out loud was a soft "I'm so sorry"

    You should have seen her face...  Her eyes...  the pure, unhidden pain.  What kind of man could do this?  What kind of person would cause this in someone he says he loves you to?  

    The amazing thing about that day...  I heard her.  buried beneath a thousand ton of my own pain.  I heard her.  I felt for her.  I didn't blame her.  I understood.  but maybe too late...

    Her heart opened for that moment.  long enough to cry out in pain.  A moment without anger, arrogance, or judgment.  Just the hurt, and loneliness.  And as quickly as it was open, It closed.  tight.  Since then I have witnessed a little anger.  otherwise receiving cold nothing.  A couple nights of sleeping alone.  Zero communication except for short, nondescript, annoyed answers in response to my vain attempts at communication and some sort of reconnection.  There is a small amount of recognizing I exsist, but mostly because I make it hard not to notice that I'm trying everything I can to reach through.

    after days in a row of this, my anxiety is so high my adderal gives me heart palpitations, I haven't slept in days, and my ability to focus has left the building.  My feeling of self worth is through the floor, I've become quiet and secluded in social or work/social setting.  I have become hyper focused on my ADD, but I'm not sure in a healthy way.

    She has become...  secretive (secretive may be extreme, but she goes places, or doesn't come home for a long time after work and won't give any detail about she was doing) In what little conversation I was able to get (after a whole evening of being avoided and finally finding her already in bed hiding behind her computer), I expressed my interest in her day, told her I had missed  her, and thanked her for the note informing me she would not be home until later.  and then politely asked her what she had had going on this afternoon...  her reply...  "not much" followed by shutting her computer, setting it aside, pulling up the covers and rolling over, her back to me...  I laid there in the dark for a moment...  a soft "good night" is what I said to her, with only silence as a reply.  as I lay there in the dark...  Alone...  Next to who I had believed to be my soul mate, in the silence, my brain fluttering in every direction.  Helpless, like a stack of papers in a wind storm, all there is left to do is cry.  

    as the tears form, and i'm feeling even more humiliated (I know no one can see me cry, but its a guy thing), I suddenly only hear, in my head, my wife telling me off for feeling sorry for my self, and realize I cant cry here.  so I get up and leave the room, half hoping as I walk to the door that she would notice, maybe even ask if  something was wrong.  She doesn't stir.  Like I was never there.

    Helpless...  I'm not sure if there is a word that better describes me.  I don't know how to act, what to say, or do.  I don't dare try and win her over with more empty promises that I can't keep.  I only know one thing I can promise for sure.  I will fail to meet her expectations, and will let her down again, and again, and again...

    Alone...   very alone.  I am a lemon.  a full lifetime guarantee to disappoint.

  • LD all my life, ADD since 2006. JUST ACCEPTED IT by: tmcknight 12 years 9 months ago

    It's like a light JUST turned on! I was taking my morning medicine, looking around at the chaos I create and realized I do have ADD! 

    Looking around I  KNEW I needed to find support, need to find a doctor that understands ADD.

    Yes, I went to the special room through out grade school, middle school and high school. Yes, a real doctor (psychiatrist) diagnosed me in 2006.  Yes, many doctors diagnosed me as depressed for many years.  I am probably depressed because because I get so overwhelmed at the little things. 

    So, here I am. Here's hoping I can follow through.

    That is my small progress.

     

  • Dear Husband, by: Melomom 12 years 9 months ago

    I am so grateful to you that you have accepted this process of looking at yourself, and accepting this diagnosis of ADD.

    I am so grateful to you that you so whole heartedly want to make these positive changes so that we can stay married.

    I am sorry for all the times I have focused on the negative and not the positive.

    I am sorry for not being able to truly understand what it's like inside your head.

    I am sorry for all the times I've told you I felt like you weren't trying, when you honestly were.

    I love that fact that you are Always Ready For A Hug, even when I am not.

    I love that you can look at a problem that I have absolutely no answer for, and you are able to instantly solve it with your "outside the box" thinking.

    I love that you Always Make Me Laugh.

    I love that you are able to almost instantly forgive me for my wrongs.

    I am sorry that I have not been able to instantly forgive yours.

    I am sorry that you're struggling so hard to get these symptoms under control.

    I promise that I will always be here to hold your hand when you need strength.

    I promise that from now on I will actively seek out all the positives I see, and make you well aware of them.

    I promise that I will be a shoulder to cry on as you wade through the hurt and pain.

    I promise that I will be here by your side as your cheerleader as we go through life together.

    I promise that I will snuggle with you more, even if "I'm not feeling it" because I know it's not just something that you need, but is essential for your emotional survival.

    I am grateful, I am sorry, I am in love with you, and I promise you - forever.

    Love, Your Wife.

  • Does it get better???? by: dealdoll 12 years 9 months ago

    My husband and I have been married a year and a half. Only last summer did we realize he has adult ADD. I've always been frustrated with him about not waking up on time for work and school, not remembering things I have told him to do. Never doing things unless I do tell him (he can't see the kitchen is messy and pick it up) Not remembering things I've told him (Like then I tell him I have an appointment Tuesday and on Tuesday he asks where I am...) Until we found out he had ADD I really just thought he was lazy and thoughtless. Since his diagnosis he is on Ritalin twice a day. But things have not really improved. He says they've improved at work and he notices he is more focused, but as for home things are still the same. He has started to see a counselor but so far no improvement.
     

    For example. Last week I asked him 3 days in a row to please take out the garbage, and he didn't do it till the 4th day. Then one day he slept in and was late for class. Another day he forgot to take the rent check (which was right next to his car keys) to the office on his way to work. Then the next day he slept in and was late for class again. Came home from class and went back to sleep and then slept too long and was late for work. All the while I call and text and get no answer. I was about to leave my job to go home when he finally woke up at the time he was suppose to be at work.
    I feel like I'm going crazy. He says he feels I'm always hoping he messes up. I don't hope he messes up but I do expect it...plan for it... is that wrong? It's the result I've always gotten so I don't know how to expect anything else.
    I do get really angry about things and he say's I turn emotionally abusive. I'm disappointed in myself that I do that. I'm in counseling as well about this and my counselor says I do it out of being hurt by being let down...so I'm working on it, but it feels impossible when he just keeps provoking it.
    I said we should probably just get a divorce...that it would be an endless circle of going round. Him messing up and me getting really upset. I'm not getting any younger and would like to have kids, but I don't want to have kids with someone who themselves is just a big kid I have to look after.
     

    Does it get better? With counseling can he become responsible?
    He is a nice guy, but I find that me always being frustrated about his lack of responsibility has caused me to resent him, and I'm not sure I love him anymore... How can you love someone you're always mad at?
    I'm miserable all the time, I don't want to see friends or family because I dont want to have to talk about "us".
    Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm at the end of my rope. 

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