Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • the state of my house by: metooo 14 years 10 months ago

    This may not be the proper place to post about this, but it's a major source of frustration for me, plus it's depressing.

    My house is a major mess. After everything I've read about ADHD I guess it's no surprise.

    Two years ago the toilet upstairs started to leak. We found out water leaked under the floor tiles. We got a new toilet, and my husband started to pull up the tiles and removing panelling from the walls. He didn't get very far on that, so I finished it. So, the bathroom has no tiles on the floor, no panelling on the walls and is used as a junk room. So when his kids visit five of us are using the bathroom downstairs. 

    He installed a ceiling fan in our bedroom...mmm...about four years ago, but apparently something didn't work quite right and it still doesn't work. So we use two small lamps for light at night.

    I started repainting the exterior window frames about four years ago (he didn't add my name to the deed so I don't consider this to be my house) got very little help from him, (he spent most of his time in front of the computer) and gave up. This caused a major fibromyalgia flare and it's been bad ever since. So...the wood has been exposed to the elements all these years and he's made no attempt to do anything about it.

    We can't use the dining room table because he has so much piled on top of it. A good portion of it is mail, which hasn't been looked at. Piles of mail and paper surround the computer. So...some of the bills don't get paid on time. He won't share anything about the finances with me. I have no idea how much debt we're in.

    There are piles in every room in the house. The kitchen counters aren't usable because they are completely covered. He used to do all the cooking, but gradually quit, which threw me off balance because I didn't know if I was supposed to start cooking or what. He used to love to cook. I think depression has something to do with this. The neutral cable leading to our house deteriorated to the point that we were having major surges in the house. Fortunately he figured out what was going on and turned off he power, but now the oven doesn't work. He says we don't have enough money to buy a new stove, but alot of money is being spent on plants.

    Boxes are piled up in his kids room. When they came to visit for Christmas they had to share a bed in the spare room because crap was piled up on their beds. We didn't use use the dining room table for Christmas dinner. We sat on the couch in front of the t.v.

    The room that is supposed to be my workroom is a mess because there isn't room for all my books and supplies. 

    I've tried talking to him about all of this, offered to help clean up, gotten mad, offered suggestions how it could easier to do all of this, and have decided to keep my mouth shut let whatever happens, happens. But it's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm living his life, not mine.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Could ADD Trigger or Cause COMORBID NARCISSISM? by: at_the_crossroa... 14 years 10 months ago

    Some months ago, I started to post here, when I was coping with the failure of my relationship.  

    I told my experience in two threads, so I will not repeat any of it:
    http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/lowering-my-own-standards-accomodate...
    http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/add-and-selfishness

    My Ex-SO has certainly some serious traits that are typical for ADD, and also some of Asperger's.   But with further research, I came to the conclusion that the behavior, which destroyed the relationship, was also narcissistic.    Yet when I started to post here, it was after reading, that so many of the other posters have experienced the same kind of devastation due to the apparent or real selfishness and inconsideraton.   

    That made me wonder, if I was busy with a wrong question, when I attempted to find out, if what destroyed the relationship was ADD or Narcissism, as if both are mutually exclusive.  
    ADD and Aspeger's traits are considered as hardwired into the brain, while NPD is supposed to be acquired as a reaction to childhood trauma.

    • Could it be, that a child, who experiences serious failure and troubles because of having ADD reacts with developping narcissism as a strategy to cope with low self-esteem?   
    • Could the selfish, inconsiderate, hurting behaviors, that are so often experienced by the partners of ADD-men, are a form of acquired comorbid narcissism?   
    • Could there roughly be two subgroups of ADD-men, those who have the insight of having a problem, needing and accepting support, and those, who have developped a narcissistic entitlement and grandiosity delusion, so that they deny to have any problem, instead attributing the partner's devastation as her own flaw?
  • I Forgot Father's Day! by: Miss Behaven 14 years 10 months ago

    Well, kind of!

     

    I took the kids shopping last weekend for presents and hid them in the basement but I was so busy this week and yesterday I forgot to wrap them. They just totally slipped my mind.

    Then this morning the kids got up earlier than usual so I climbed out of bed while hubby was asleep and put on the cartoons and started breakfast. Hubby comes downstairs and says good morning and I have my back to him cause I am cooking and say good morning. Then he just stands there behind me for a minutes. Then he says "WELL??????" and I'm like huh? I turn around and he is in his #1 Dad t-shirt and grinning his head off.

     

    OOOOOOOOOO crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Was that today?

     

    So to cover my butt I told him I was making his favourite breakfast. Good thing there was bacon in the fridge! And his surprises weren't ready yet so how about he take the dog for a walk? wink wink  He giggles all happy and heads out the door.

    I'm in panic mode! I pull the presents out and the wrapping paper and tell the kids they are now officially old enough to wrap presents so get to work! Child labour is a wonderful thing! Then I start making his favourite omelette instead of scrambled eggs like I was going to do and start frying bacon.

     

    He is playing with the kids in the kiddie pool right now and later we will go out for dinner.

     

    Whew! That was a close one.

     

     

  • lonely and confused by: ccontreras8185 14 years 10 months ago

    i am not sure how i'm suppose to feel. I always feel lonely and I have talked to my husband about it way too many times. I feel that NOTHING has changed. I have tried my best to not get angry with him. i just this second finished talking to him about it again. He left anyway. Is it normal for us to talk about the same thing over and over and nothing to get resolved. He is always doing something and never has time for me. Does anyone have any ideas on how i can deal with this? I would greately appreciate it.

     

  • When it isn't going to work out by: ladybug 14 years 10 months ago

    Unfortunately for me and my kids, it isn't going to work out. I have resigned myself to this fact and now just trying to make sure things are in place for me after the divorce to allow me the emotional, physical and financial resources to finish the job of parenting. It would be very helpful to hear from others on this website about advice you would give to someone like me. My spouse's perspective (ADD spouse) on his contributions financially and parenting are not the same as mine. As I near the time for final agreement for divorce I have accepted the fact that I will STILL be the one to be coordinating all the facets of the kids lives and sacrificing my time and energy while he does what best suits him. He doesn't have the $ resources to make this an easier job for me, in fact I make more than him. But at the same time he is demanding things that don't seem fair given what I have contributed in the past, what I still contribute and what I am likely to contribute in the future. How can I protect my sanity so I can have a life eventually after so many years of taking on too many burdens due to a partner with ADD? I can't continue to have this extra child, demanding more than I have. So depleted......

  • Advice Needed - What should I do??? by: befuddle.sparks 14 years 10 months ago

    As I was surfing the net to look for forums and blogs on marital problems, and ways of handling them, divorces, etc. I stumbled upon this site and ADHD (which is totally something I am ignorant of!).  My marraige of eons years now is on the brink of break-up.  After spending some years living abroad, we repatriated last year.  Since then everything is deteriorating - my husband's attitude, character and behaviour is going from bad to worse.  He is a compulsive liar and I have strong grounds to believe that he is cheating on me as well.  He is forever on porn blogs and indecent chat blogs on his computer.  There is no communication between us now.  He doesn't talk but yells and criticise and on defensive mode all the time.  Tried talking to him but he does not see any problems with our marraige. After reading this blog, I somehow think his symptoms is relative to that of ADHD.  I am presently in the course of deciding whether to walk out of this marraige.  He just doesn't want any discussion on anything at all!!  Help! What shall I do???

  • A Question.Suicidal Thoughts by: metooo 14 years 10 months ago

    Oh boy I thought I could write this but the thoughts just left my head. I'll give it a try anyway.

    I read in one of the posts a while ago that the poster had suicidal thoughts during some of the fights she had with her spouse. I did too...the only difference being that I took action and was almost successful. As a consequence the PA at the clinic we go to for medical care will barely talk to me. I feel horrible about this. It was a stupid thing to do, but at the time was overwhelmed with emotion and what my husband was saying to me. I felt like no cared about me and how I felt or what I thought. Absolutely stuck with no way out. But now I feel like the focus is on how my action affected everyone else, and no support for wanting to or understanding for what I did. I feel a little like I'm going crazy right now. I won't hurt myself again. It was a stupid thing to do. I admit that I've behaved badly out of frustration, but I'm trying to turn that around.

    I feel pretty lousy about myself.

  • The Subject of Change by: Hoping4More 14 years 10 months ago

    While my wife is working to change some of her behaviors, she has also said to me a few times in the last couple of weeks that she it is wrong for me to want/expect her to change.  That I should just love her as the person she is, and that we should focus on the positive, spend time together doing fun things, etc.  I agree that we should focus on the positive and doing fun things, AND that we need to work to make some changes - both of us.  She is having a hard time, I think, becuase most, if not all, of the changes we are working on center around her ADHD-related behaviors and my response to them.  How do I respond to her comment - that it's not fair for me to expect her to change - in a way that is helpful?

  • Message to Melissa Orlov by: renoir911 14 years 10 months ago

    Dear Mrs Orlov.

    I am the husband (although forced into a separation now) of a lady who has recently been diagnosed through up to date, scientific tests.   However she has invalidated these results soon afterwards and that upset me greatly.   She now wants to be retested through her own Psychologist.   All the information I've come across this far on severe ADD (in writen and video format) show that if there is only "patient / Psychologist" intereaction, there is no one else there to really monitor what is said or isn't said to the Psychiatrist.   My question to you is as follows:

    If a diagnosed ADD patient (severe ADD) can invalidate the diagnosis, how far will they go to invalidate other results just so they can "properly" lay all the blame on their partner ?

    I am left out in the cold now, frustrated as ever about being unheard, in a uncompromising situation where I am made to feel like a bad person.   Is there any hope for people like me who desire so much to be a part of my wife's life as a husband, and shoulder to lean on.   I am stressed to the limit but try not to show it.   My doctor put me on indefinite medical leave and I don't like it.   I just need to hear some positive advice for once.   How many patients have you seen invalidate their ADD diagnosis to what end will they go to invalidate other "tests" for this relationship killer ?   If they do this to themselves and to their partner, what else are they capable of doing ?   Remember, I am now told that for a period of one year we are to live as room mates.   I am taking couselling and it helps me.   But I really want to know what drives a person to invalidate ADD results.  Is it because of "their need to be right at all costs?"   If so, where does that leave me?

    I look forward to your new book.

    Thank you.

    Ren

  • Report card Issue by: Miss Behaven 14 years 10 months ago

    We have a raward system in place for my son who is nearly finsished 2nd grade. The higher his grades are the more money he will get to spend for the summer. My plan was to have him put some of it away in his first bank account and to let him spend the rest more or less as he pleased.

     

    However I am having a couple of concerns. First of all I know that DS is going to be gettting mostly Cs and Bs with his final report card as I am in contact with the school and his teachers on a a regular basis. However DS is acting as if he is going to get rather a lot more money than he will be. I keep trying to explain to him that if he get sthe grade we are expecting him to that he will not be getting enough to buy a brand new bike and video games etc etc. The idea is for him to start learning about money not learning about spending. I just know he is going to be upset and dissapointed when he realises that he won't be getting as much as he thinks he should, even though this has been explained to him, and will have a fit or two *sigh* The joys of raising an ADD kid with no concept of the future or reality.

     

    The other problem is my hubby. I'm having a hard time keeping him on board with the plan. He talks with DS as if he will be able to afford all these things and I've caught him telling DS that he will pay any extra costs for these things if his behaviour is good etc. I think he tries to make up for his crappy childhood by spoiling our kids and he gets caught up in the thrill.

     

    I am going to have to have a sit down with hubby and then DS about this and soon! School is nearly out and the report cards will be out even sooner.

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