My husband was recently diagnosed with ADD about 6 months ago. He is seeing a therapist but progress is very slow. He is a really nice, good hearted person. I am constantly finding fires that he created and then I have to help find solutions to put them out. Two weeks ago he bounced a check to the IRS for our payment plan because he forgot to put money in the account. This week I found out he maxed out our credit cards. Even though I look to make sure things are going smoothly something slips by me. And I'm going insane searching for problems before they happen. It seems like we have to have a plan for everything. I can't trust him to do the little things or the big things like he says he will. After 13 years of this i'm exhuasted. How do you put all the anger and frustration aside, fire after fire and still love or even like your spouse with ADD?
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Finding Fires by: aviatorjj 15 years 2 months ago
- Not sure what is considered "normal" for ADHD. by: tser_80 15 years 2 months ago
This is the first time I have ever been able to talk to anyone who might understand what I am going through. I am so relieved and yet, so frustrated that it has gotten to this point. I'm sure all of you on here understand what I mean by that. I met my Husband 6 years ago, we lived together for 4 years and then got married and had 2 boys. I knew about 6 months into the relationship that he had issues with depression and anxiety. I was sympathetic because I had suffered from it also, so even though our relationship was struggling I wanted to be supportive. About 3 years later he was diagnosed with ADHD and started to take medication for it.
The last few years have been very difficult. I have noticed that especially if my husband forgets to take his meds or purposely doesn't take them, he becomes intolerable. He makes jokes that are not even close to funny, and tells me I'm boring if I don't laugh. He mocks my children and I when he becomes angry or frustrated. For example, If the baby cries when he is in one of his "moods" he will become aggravated and will loudly imitate the baby's cry, making him cry more. When I confront him on it he uses the excuse that he can't stand listening to it. I've tried to rationalize with him but he acts as if he has done nothing wrong. He constantly blows up about nothing, and I feel like I am walking on eggshells with him. The reason I decided to look for support is I just can't figure out what is considered "normal" with someone who has ADHD. I don't know how far he can go without going too far. Tonight we had an argument when he picked our puppy up by the head because he had an accident on the floor. He did not seem to realize that it could hurt him, at least I don't think he did. I got angry and told him he needed to start thinking a little bit harder before he acted and that I thought it might be best if we got rid of the puppy and did not have any more dogs. The argument escalated and he started to mock me as I was telling you he did. He was on his way up to bed and said, "Goodnight, Stacy! So I said, "Goodnight, 'John'!" After that all the way up the stairs he repeated what I said, mimicking me in a not-so-flattering way, and laughing about it. Even opening the bedroom door a few times to repeat the behavior trying to "get to me" and laughing. I honestly find this behavior disturbing. I don't know what to do, I am hurt and frustrated by his behavior. He takes a lot of his aggressions out on me, the kids and our family pets. And the worst is when he seems to find this behavior humorous most of the time. I really need suggestions and I need to know if this is a normal part of ADHD or maybe something else. And if anyone is going through the same thing. HELP!
- Another awkward social situation by: misskitten 15 years 2 months ago
Hello,
I'm new to this forum, and I'd like to introduce myself. My fiancee and I are in our 20s, finishing college and job hunting. He was diagnosed with ADD a decade ago. In the past year, I've learned some things about ADD/ADHD, and in the light of that information, I suspect that many of our recurrent arguments are related to his ADD and my own lack of understanding. So now when he does something that drives me crazy, I try googling the behavior with "ADD". Tonight it was another awkward social situation that ultimately led me to this website, and I am glad I found it. Essentially he has difficulty focusing on the conversation, especially when there are 2+ people involved, and can't tell when something is inappropriate. The result is that his contributions to the conversation consist of a series of embarrasing non-sequiters and rambling stories (eg, I asked a woman we'd just met what her major was, and the conversation turned to art history. My fiancee interjected with a story about Japanese p-rn he'd seen in a museum. You can imagine my embarrassment). I'm looking forward to reading the blogs on communication, perhaps there will be some useful information there to help us address this issue.
Anyway, I guess I'm here just to talk and listen. I don't have a lot of knowledge on the topic, and I don't really have many people to talk to about this. Some of the posts I've read already refer to "hyper-attentitive" wives, and I suppose that would be (or will be) me-- super organized, intensely motivated, etc. Ultimately my goal is to understand my fiancee better, work to empathize with his challenges, and acquire skills to make our lives more happy and equitable. Yes, I could simply take responsibility for everything (I'm certainly capable) but that would eventually fill me with resentment, and take away all his power. That's the kind of thing I'm looking to avoid.
I've gone on a little long. I'm looking forward to interacting with the community and sharing your perspectives. Thank you in advance.
-Miss kitten
- lonely and disappointed by: Anonymous (not verified) 15 years 2 months ago
Hello, I am so happy to have found this site. I do not know of any support groups that deal with wives with husbands and children with ADHD and I have not found a marriage therapist that can help because I believe that in order to help they need to understand this disorder. I really need to talk to someone who will understand because I do not have much family around and those that are around definately do not understand. I hope that it is o.k if I get my story off my chest and maby it will help me see things more clearly and maby someone will have some advise or support. Thanks:
I married my husband 13 years ago. When we first married my husband worked for his family business which did not pay enough for us to live on and the family eventually leased the business out. My husband could not find a job so I did everything I could to help him find something. I convinced him to get his CDL license and atleast that would be a start. I was in nursing school which was extremely stressful. He was supportive during that time. Then we had a son who is now 11. I started working and we eventually had a daughter now age 8. Both of our kids have ADHD, my son has inattentive type and really does not have any behavior problems, but my daughter has hyperactive/impulsive type and alot of behavior problems. My husband continued to drive a soda truck delivering soda, while I worked stressful 12 hour shifts. The thing is; it was my responsiblity to get the kids up in the morning and to daycare by 6: 15 which might have not been much of a problem if you didn't have a daughter that resisted, screamed, cried, threw tantrums, refused to get dress, etc... etc... and then screached at the top of her lungs everyday all the way to daycare before I went to work on a stressful hospital unit. Then after working 12 hours I would get home exhausted to a screaming, tantruming daughter and nothing done, not even dinner for me. I handled everything regarding the kids and managing a family. (During this time I was also battling a painful illness that only recently they found treatment for .) Meanwhile my husband continued at his stress free job that did not/ does not pay well. We fought frequently about his lack of ambition and unwillingness to try to do better for the familys future. Several times I overheard him say "If you don't want to worry about money just marry a nurse". I started to resent him. Not only did he/does he lack initiative to improve his job situation, I am constantly disappointed, does not put any effort in celebrating any of our birthdays, mothersday, or any other holiday. I do all the work and feel like he does not share the joy with me. We never go out as a couple. I have several friends, but he does not have any friends that he hangs out with. He blames me for our problems because I had an illness and did not feel well alot of the time, well not only was I ill but I was overwhelmed and stressed) He likes to pretend that he is incapable of doing things because it is easier to do that than put effort into actually doing things. He likes to play the innocent card, poor me with the nagging wife. To others he plays the silly jokester that elderly people think is so charming. I am burnt out and overwhelmed. He is always willing to do things like running errands but it takes forever, yesterday I asked him to run to the store which is 5 minutes from our house to get 3 things, it took him 4 hours). We have talked and he is always going to try harder, make changes, well it never happens. He is very passive but will explode and over react over mild incidents. Sometimes he explodes at us in public and will start screaming and acting crazy and he doesn't even make sense. It is very embarrassing. I am not saying that I am not wrong in some of our arguments, what I am saying is his reactions are way out of proportion and this turns things into major issues. For example: Last Saturday morning we were getting ready for our sons basketball game and we were running a little bit late, I was trying to get everyone ready and in the car and I needed help and when I asked he just started yelling at everyone and saying ridiculous things and that he was just going to leave me home. So today, this a.m. we were getting ready for the basketball game, while I was upstairs, I heard our daughter say she wanted to watch a t.v. show, my husband said "No we have to go" she said, Can you record it, He said "I will think about it" well this sent her into a tantrum (why couldn't he just say yes) he insist on getting in power struggles with an 8 year old. I was trying to get everyone ready and I asked him to butter her waffles and put them in a container so that we can take them in the car, by this time we really needed to go and he just sat in the chair playing with the remote control trying to put blocks on her t.v. show. So I kept telling (nagging) him that I really needed help so we could get going because he is always yelling at me that I cause everyone to be late. Well he started yelling that he was going to leave me home and stomping around and acting like a baby. Then we were in the car and he started yelling nonsense and switching the gears from Park, drive, Reverse really fast, this scared the kids and scared me that he was going to break the car, then he realized that he did not have any shoes on and he turned around and pulled in the driveway and threw the keys in the snow, the kids were crying, he was acting out of control, I grabbed the other set of keys because I just wanted to take the kids away from this and he jumped in the car and yes I lashed out at him and tried to hit him and push him out of the car and he continued to scream (He has never hit me or the kids, but he has broken things and I never hit him before) So then he turns it around and now I am the bad guy and we are not talking!!!! It is almost like he wanted to start a fight today. Maby because tomorrow is Valentines day and now he is off the hook and has a reason not to do anything. This type of outburst is getting more and more frequent. I am just so unhappy and depressed and lonely. I often feel like leaving him but I literally don't have anyone who would help me or provide any support. Also, my big mistake is that all these years I was under the impression that he was good at handling our finanaces, yeah I know, stupid. I was too overwhelmed to keep an eye on it. My check was direct deposit and he handled all the bills, well I just recently found out that he has been lying about our financial situation and we are now in major debt and at risk of loosing our house. And yes he blames me, by saying "I couldn't say no to you when you wanted something". My daughter was abused while in daycare and I pursued legal charges and he said he cared about what happened but I never felt it. My mother has Alzheimer disease and he has never comforted me or expressed that he was sorry that this happened to her. I don't know sometimes I think that he just puts on an act, he acts all sweet and innocent, but he is not very warm, sometimes I think that he really is just unfeeling and nasty but tries to cover it up.
Well, Thanks for reading I know this is long. I am sorry it is so fragmented, I just have so much that I want to get out.
- genetics by: Anonymous (not verified) 15 years 2 months ago
Hello, I have a question regarding how ADHD is inherited. Can a father with ADHD inattentive without hyperactivity have one child with ADHD with hyperactivity, impulsivity and one child with ADHD inattentive without hyperactivity. Is there a separate gene for each type of ADHD? I am wondering because my husband has ADHD inattentive and each of my children have a different type of ADHD. My son age 11 presents just like my husband, quiet, inattentive, lack of initiative. My daughter age 8 is loud, hyperactive, interested in everything and is driven by a motor. I suspect that my brother has ADHD and he is loud and hyperactive. So maby my son inherited it from my husband and my daughter inherited from my side of the family?
- Newly diagnosed, still discovering by: Mama Murtz 15 years 2 months ago
I was diagnosed with ADD last week at age 38. I'm still discovering all that there is in the world of ADD, and making sense of things from my life which are now explained by the diagnosis. It's been such a relief, and I'm currently working with my psychologist, and we're starting to discuss marriage and living with ADD. Just wanted to introduce myself, and am looking forward to reading more in here. Thanks.
- At a loss...where do you go from here?! by: humorismymedicine 15 years 2 months ago
I had no idea there was a forum for people to express their feelings about either having AD/HD or being the non AD/HD spouse. I am the opposite of an ADDer, that is neither right nor wrong :) just who I am. However, my husband was recently diagnosed with ADD. We both work in the field and I'm not entirely sure how I missed this (or if I was in denial) but it has certainly "rocked the boat". So much so that I feel like I'm living in a tsunami.
I'm really just trying to wrap my head around this very new and unfamiliar diagnosis. My husband appeared so well put together when we first met. I actually wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be on the same level as HIM. He's kind and sweet and always wanting to help in any way possible but often time he helps in all the wrong ways. Yes, I appreciate the fact that he even wants to help but when it creates more work for me it's hard to fully be grateful.
During a therapy session my husband mentioned that he kept certain things from me prior to getting married because if he revealed them he felt that I might not marry him, which is probably true. I wouldn't say he LIED because I do not really feel he did but I do think he remained ignorant and oblivous to some things that he should've spent some quality time exploring (but whether or not he has the capacity to is a whole nother problem). He intuitively knew there was something "wrong" but he had no idea what it was, he did notice he was forgetful and thoughtless but he'd never really taken the time to explore what caused this (very understandable now, man hindsight is unkind!). He definitely knew how much of a go getter I am, how extremely disciplined I am and how I am a bit of a perfectionist. I think perhaps because he lacks these skills he admired them in me and perhaps felt that they would "rub off" on him. Unfortunately, they have not and I have come to understand his ADD and their limitations a little better. Though I can say that I do feel somewhat douped from not having been fully aware of all this from the get go. I thought understanding the ADD more would make me a feel a little better but it really hasn't.
Instead of feeling more motivated and dedicated to adjusting my own life (which is a must if we are to continue this marriage), I feel like I'm living a life that wasn't intended for me. I envisioned a marriage of thoughtfulness, intimacy, friendship, humor, romance, and physical, emotional and mental challenges (the good kind of course). I have to admit I always knew he wouldn't physically challenge me, but I still hoped that even though he might not beat me in sports (I'm athletically gifted ;) ) I still hoped he would challenge me to challenge myself physically. I can also admit that I'm quite the hopeless romantic. I'm creative in my love and gestures, but I do not feel creative for him. I can also admit, though I'm not very proud of it, that I have quite the temper and no patience. I get easily aggitated and angry when simple tasks are not understood or completed. I try to simplify most everything I explain and do in hopes that it may make it easier for him to comprehend but somehow it never really seems to make it from my mouth to his brain...it gets lost somewhere on the way...sometimes I feel like I can physically see it getting lost. He's so busy trying to memorize each word I'm saying he loses the message before he's had a chance to actually listen to it.
I'm not sure if his ADD has gotten worse over the past few months or if his family situation has exacterbated other emotional issues but something does not seem right. He tried Ritalin but lost weight and it wasn't working...it had a placebo effect on him. He is now on wellbutrin and they just doubled his dose because again we saw no improvement. He has mentioned several times that he doesn't want me putting my hopes into these medications because they may not work which tells me that he may be sabotaging whatever good they can do. What I mean by that is that even if it was working for him I think he'd find a way to make it not work because he's very used to being the victim and feeling like he has failed. He's so used to it he actually finds comfort in it and he has told me this, as well as written it. His family is a piece of work. He comes from a fairly traditional Japanese family and they are pretty conservative. His parents have their own ideas about how his life "ought to be" versus how it actually is. His mom is a control freak and she is unbelievably manipulative. She appeared surprised when he mentioned he was diagnosed with ADD (she and everyone else in the family have always noted all his ADD traits, I guess they just never made the association-much like myself). I think she makes his ADD worse because she gets into his head and confuses him before he has a chance to grasp an idea or thought. She's ridiculously negative and very difficult to please. My husband, although very sweet and kind, is also a lot like his mother (excluding the difficult to please part). I get that he learned to be like her through habit and perhaps that's not what's at his core, but they are often very much alike. I can honestly say that some of the reactions and ways she handles him that I hate, I have begun to see in myself. It is such a jarring experience to know that the very thing you dislike in another is some of the same things we ourselves do. She becomes overly angry and resentful of the mistakes he makes and she will hold a grudge for qutie some time, as will I.
The thing that is getting to me is that in my previous relationships I have been flexible, vulnerable, and accommodating and this relationship does not really access those parts of me. And those are the parts of me my friends, family and I have always enjoyed the most. I can't tell you the amount of times my friends will write, text or call and say "you're so sweet" "I love you more" but I do not ever get that from my husband and in some ways I understand why. I'm always so angry and bitter about him "dismissing, ignoring and disregarding" what I say or need. I feel like it's all purposeful but I know that because of his ADD it is not. Although I know it's not, it still makes me quite angry and I have a hard time reeling in that anger and making myself responsible for it. I am excellent at reading myself and evaluating myself both honestly and critically and know where I fall short and I'm not afraid to admit it. I very much play into this circle of chaos my husband and I have going on but it feels like there are so many other factors that no one else has mentioned that are taking place. He suffers from very low self esteem (perhaps from always having made so many mistakes) and the lower his self esteem the more turned off I am. I am an extremely confident woman, I know who I am, what I stand for and if people don't like it, I just smile. I genuinely want this marriage to work but I can't envision it working with his ADD. All the things it creates for him are just infuriating to me. ANd again, I feel like if I was motivated to I could adjust the way I live my life but I also feel like why do I have to adjust who I AM for his ADD? I guess the answer to that is, BECAUSE I'M HIS WIFE. But if that is my rationale than doesn't he have to adjust his ADD FOR ME, since he's my husband??? I get this can and probably should be a very two way street but I feel very repulsed by some of the things his ADD leads him to do...We will have the same discussion several times and yet nothing I say is retained. We come up with behavioral plans but he has no follow through. There are just so many accommodations to make for him and I really ask myself how will I be happy in this situation when this is not at all what I had in mind? I read some of people's posts and when the non ADD spouse has accepted a new way of living part of me is envious and the other part of me knows that I may not have the patience or the desire to take on that acceptance. They are ok with being the mommy, daddy, planner, financial advisor, etc and I just always envisioned myself sharing those duties with my partner. Furthermore, I do not ever feel that my husband understands who I am or what I desire...I wonder if this is all ADD or something else? He does not seem to understand basic human emotion at all...he always concludes something totally incorrect.
Here's the thing that has me at a total loss...when I'm not sure I want to be in the relationship anymore he is able to articulate and express what he needs to know and more or less how he needs to do it...is this typical of an ADDer, wanting and knowing what to do but not actually being able to carry it out? Is there some hope of changing his meds and seeing some serious improvements? We have a nine month old and before I consider having anymore kids with him, or staying in this relationship for that matter I wonder if we can overcome this ADD?! I'm at a total loss for what to do now, and where to go from here???
- Links for my husband? by: jentanne 15 years 2 months ago
Does anyone know of a link to something I could send my husband on what it is like to be someone with ADD? Specifically if it relates to having trouble getting things done and stuff like that. I need to send him something so he can see from my perspective.
Thanks!!
- Perfect storm by: rkovvur 15 years 2 months ago
I am so glad i found this site!!
I am pretty sure i have ADD. I seem to fit every one of the symptoms. Especially of the now and not-now.
I am an only child and my parents fought a lot. That combined with the fact that i might have ADD is wreaking havoc on my family life with my wife.
Se says that i keep doing the same mistakes again and again and never can improve. Yup, i try to work on a hundered projects at a time and can never complete them. My mind is always thinking: a new hobby, new worry. So i am unable to live in the moment and when issues come, trying to be cool by realizing that some events will happen in the future, just not "now".
I am just hoping that i can learn some uselful life skills here.
-Raj
- I am very sad by: Pebi 15 years 2 months ago
I've been with my boyfriend who has ADD for almost 4 years. As of today however, I think that we are broken up. The beginning of our relationship was nice, but in the end I guess he just got bored with me. He spends most of his time playing computer games. When he comes home from work (around 4PM) he gets on his computer and doesn't get off until about 1 or 2 AM. Everynight, I go to bed alone. We rarely have deep conversations, we go out together maybe once or twice a month if I'm lucky, and we don't have sex.
I am very sad, depressed, and hurt because it's hard to come home to someone who doesn't seem to care if you're there or not. It's hard to watch someone spend countless hours on a computer game chatting away with the other players while they hardly speak 3 sentences to you all day. It's hard to do the majority of the house work, keep everything in order, make sure the bills are paid on time, and make sure there's food in the house while the other person seems oblivious to it all. It's hard when you have to sleep in the bed by yourself because your partner would rather hang out with his friends all night and ends up crashing at their place.
Today he said that he's just wasting my time because he doesn't want to change. He is afraid to get treatment because he doesn't want to turn into a different person. He likes who his is and he likes having ADD. He said the the problem is him and not me because he holds past resentments towards me because I tried to restrict how much he played his game and how often he stayed the night at his friend's house. He doesn't think that he can be the person that I want him to be because he doesn't have motivation, drive, or focus and probably never will. We can't go out on dates and he can't buy me gifts because he doesn't make a lot of money.
What he doesn't realize is that if he would gone to the dollar store and bought a $1 basket, $1 cheese and crackers, and a $1drink and taken me to the park for a picnic, I would have been the happiest girl in the world. He doesn't realize that if he would have just turned his head towards me when he spoke to me instead of facing the computer screen, I would have felt like he cared about what I had to say. He could have made me gifts for my birthday or christmas and I would have felt loved.
I have cried this entire weekend. I love him to death and would have done anything for him. Whenever he was sick, I was right there by his bedside taking care of him. When he was going to pastry school, I helped him pay for the class so that he wouldn't have to carry the financial load on his own. He dropped out after one semester and he only took one class. It was an online class and he ended up waiting until 10 days before the class ended to start doing his assignments. I don't know what to do. I'm a full-time college student, I have an internship, and I'm in a sorority so it's not like I don't have anything going on in my life. Even with keeping as busy as I do, I don't have any joy in my life, only loneliness and disappointment.