Seriously. I nearly kicked him out of the house a month or so ago. It would only have been for the night. But I was incredibly enraged by his attitude. Don't know why I didn't vent on here. I was probably too busy trying to breathe through the rage.

He's not working. I am working part-time, keeping up a blog (which I am hoping to grow into an alternate source of income one day), and have health problems. I've also been taking on some mystery shops to help get us out of the house affordably. Because he gets so frustrated not doing anything.

Oh, did I mention I have chronic fatigue? So I'm doing all this, helping him deal with ADD, trying to keep expenses down (because, of course, I'm the CFO of the relationship) and I told him I was exhausted and needed him to take on some more chores. He asked what exactly. I said I didn't know and I wanted to discuss it to figure something out.

Somehow, we ended up getting into an argument about him taking on the majority of the chores while he wasn't working. I think this hit a nerve with him because, while he enjoys the free time of not working and past health problems have made it hard for him to keep a job (so there's stress related to starting another one, even if he's healthier now), he feels bad about not working. So I think he thought I was subtly accusing him of being lazy or something. That's my theory anyway.

Point is, when I made the suggestion that he take over most of the chores, given how busy I am and how exhausted I'm getting, he actually said, "I might as well be a maid." !!!! (I should add that cooking and cleaning the tub would still remain my purview, though the cooking thing has always been a source of stress/trouble for me as well as him.)

I lost my temper at that point and told him something tremendously unhelpful. Probably a slightly gentler version of, "You're being an idiot." I just got so angry that he would see doing the majority of housework -- when I'm doing all the regular work plus helping him deal with ADD -- as demeaning. I asked him, "Oh, really, so what about when you worked and I didn't? When I did most of the cleaning and cooked 3-4 times a week?!" He said I never did any such thing. I told him to trust me. Trust me. I did. Oh, I so very much did.

Anyway, the problem is we got off on a tangent of just how terrifying I found it that he would have such an anti-feminist, BS attitude toward housework. That it's somehow demeaning for him to do, but okay for me to do -- working or not. While I think I was right, it wasn't the right chord to strike in that particular argument. And I'm still a little worried overall about his attitude.

Later, when we were done fighting, he explained that from now on, I needed to come to him with concrete examples and we could take it from there. That "more" to an ADDer was akin to "all." Although I fail to see how "all" is such a big deal around here, even if he counts my blog as a hobby and something, therefore, that I choose to do. Personally, I see it as building a small side business.

So, has anyone run into something like this? How much can I reasonably ask of him? I suppose it's moot soon enough because he has to find a job soon. Still, I'd like some feedback.

My husband and I just had a huge argument. He's left to blow off some steam and I'm sitting here getting ready for bed and crying. Here's the backstory:

We're coming up on our second wedding anniversary, fourth "being together" anniversary. As I'm learning about ADD, it's becoming a lot easier to talk to him and find solutions for various problems. It's trial and error but it's going pretty well overall.

The big thing is that he's been out of work for ages. He was lucky enough to get on unemployment so we're surviving, but we're down to the last three months. Meanwhile, his friend's wedding is Feb 19th and Tim will have to fly up to Washington to be there. Originally, they were going to have the ceremony in Feb and the reception in April. So I'd talked Tim into waiting until April. Even with airline miles and such, we'll be spending $110 to get him there, plus the cost of a rental car. At least TIm's parents live in the area, so he can stay with them. Still, we're looking at $300-400, easy. And we're trying to get OUT of debt. And my contract work is probably ending in June. So there's a bit of a deadline.

Anyway, today we found out everything is happening in Feb now. So if Tim doesn't want to miss his best friend's wedding, he has to go then. I told him that it would be okay -- so long as he tried to get some form of work for the next three weeks. That would extend his unemployment benefits. Otherwise, he'll come back and have just 8 weeks to find a job.

I pointed out to him that no regular job is going to hire him if he has to leave so soon... for 5 days. I guess we could make it less, but he has friends up there he'll want to see too.

So I  was suggesting he consider this Craigslist ad for flyers. You put out a bunch of them a day and on average you get 3-6 people per week calling in based on the flyer. You get paid based on people signing up. Tim was saying, "Okay but there's no guarantee that I'd get the credit for it." My basic point was, "Well, really, what the hell is the big deal?" I mean, he hasn't worked in ages. And I know he has a work ethic. But it's scary for him to go back to work because he had so many health problems up in Washington thanks to the humidity up there. (He has REALLY severe eczema -- as in, can't put clothes on when it's bad.) He has such a spotty work history because his skin would start to act up, he'd miss too many days and get fired. So I understand -- and have tried to be understanding about -- the slight procrastination taht has been going on.

But c'mon! If he works for 30-40 hours for a week and sees no results, what has he lost really? He got annoyed because he felt like I was pushing him to take it. My point was mostly that he was already starting to shut it down. I think his exact phrasing was, "I'll check it out; but if it turns out the way I think it will, I won't be comfortable with it."

I am guessing my guy isn't the only ADDer who paints his own paradigm. If he has optimism, he tends to miss all the glaring, blaring warning signs and detractions. And if he's even remotely pessimistic about something, 9 times out of 10, he'll only see the bad. So I kept trying to tell him that I was just worried that he was shutting it down before it even began. He argued that he had just said he'd check it out and what more did I want? I replied that I wanted him not to go in with too pessimistic an attitude because it would color his perception and pretty much guarantee it didn't work out.

And, while he's the one who has to actually do the work, I really don't see the big deal in his "wasting" a week or two and potentially not seeing any results. Because there's also the possibility that he will. And if nothing comes of it, he can still claim unemployment. So as I see it, it's (kind of) win-win. At least, it's a draw.

I suppose I was pushing a little hard, but only because there really aren't all that many jobs he could go out and get for only 3 weeks. It's pretty much this or Labor Ready. So I told him it scared me to see him more or less dismissing one of our two very crappy choices right now. I told him to go ahead and try for a week to find something else. But I just didn't want him to just give up on the job before even checking it out. Does anyone else know an ADDer who more or less paints his own picture and realigns reality to fit with it? (I know we all do to some extent but...)

Anyway, it lead to a bigger argument because then he did the utter surrender thing which drives me crazy. The "Okay fine, I'll do whatever you want." I know that should technically be a good thing. I think he means it to be a good thing. But as I've explained in countless iterations, I don't want him to just give up completely. I want compromise. I don't want him to always see things as his way or my way. In this case, I probably should have just accepted the turnaround. But I was frustrated and scared and he'd raised his voice so I was pissed.

And then. He pulled a card he had no right to. I asked him to tell me what other choices he thought we had. If a job wouldn't take him when he was going to miss days so early on, what was his solution? "I dunno," he said, throwing up his hands and slouching back on the couch. "Blow my brains out?"

This wouldn't be acceptable in anyone, of course. But he's actually been suicidal before -- years before we met -- and I've been suicidal during our marriage. I have severe depression and my medications weren't working well enough. So this was beyond... anything. I started yelling at him that he can never, ever pull that, uh, well let's just say "crap" lest I offend anyone. That if he really felt that way, I'd take him to a hospital right now, lack of insurance be damned. But if he didn't, then he had NO right to say it or use it.

Later, when he was getting ready to leave to blow off some steam, he explained that he felt like I was once again backing him into a corner. I kept trying to explain that I didn't think I was. Or at least, I hadn't meant to. But that it just scared me to hear him already deciding how things were going to go. He protested, but then he doesn't really see how his optimism/pessimism change his reality. He kept insisting he had promised to check it out. And I kept trying to explain that it was the way he said it that made me think he'll dimiss it out of hand. And we don't have the luxury of that right now.

In the end, he said he'll just get a job for the next few weeks and then quit afterward, but that's hardly the option I want either. I wanted him to find part-time work so he could ease himself back into having a job. It's just so ridiculous because I guess we both feel trapped. Him by trying to find a yes/no answer to a question that can't be answered that way. When I get angry, he just wants to calm me down. Problem is, I wasn't angry until we started arguing about him being dismissive. And his 180-degree turn to "Okay fine, whatever you want" feels pretty dismissive too.

But I feel trapped, too. No matter what I say or do, I feel like I'm putting pressure on him. Well, I am. But I've kept the pressure low for a year and a half now. And over the past couple of months, I've mentioned that I want him to get more serious about finding something part-time. But I'm on the computer a lot for my work and unless I remind him, he tends to forget to look around. So I feel like I'm doing all of the compromising. I don't want to get $400 deeper in debt. And I'm pretty sure it'll be more than that, in the end. He'll try his best but impulsivity can rear its head even in the best of times. And there is just so much unknown right now about our future. But I feel like I'm the only one really takign it seriously. Like he just shuts it out of his mind because it's too scary and too nebulous for him to deal with.

And most of all, I'm pissed at the emotional blackmail he pulled with the suicide thing. It feels like a betrayal, given my problems in the past couple of years. And I've already gotten on his case about emotional blackmail before. He has that fun attitude of "Well, if you're accusing me of it, I may as well do it." (Is this an ADD thing or just a snotty guy attitude?) I keep telling him that's essentially telling me that I have to have perfect feelings about everything or he'll use it as an excuse to do something. I don't even accuse him of that much. Generally, it's because I couldn't trust his smoking habits, because he had lied a few times when he would start up again. And I was trying to explain that those actions shook my trust in him. Because how do I know what else he might lie about? And what's his argument there? Well if you're going to accuse me of it, I might as well do it. That way, it's worth going through the hassle of your accusations.

Okay, this is an epic post. I am distraught and a fast typist and it's not a good combination. There are just so many aspects to this particular situation that I don't really know what to do.

My wife and I have been working to improve communications and reduce frustration and anger over ADHD related issues for over a year now.  We have purchased several of Dr. Hallowell's books and attended a weekend semninar is Boston last summer.  She started on meds last year, and some things have improved as a result.  I'm working on my anger - trying not to explode when I get frustrated, but instead to clearly communicate the EFFECT her actions have on me.  I know she NEVER intends to do the things she does - but that they are a result of her ADHD.  I'm also working on being less of a nag and letting as many things "slide" as I can - trying to be selective about giving "constructive" feedback.  And I know she really loves me and is always sorry when she realizes she has done something that hurts me.  We BOTH want things to be better, and that's what makes me able to continue working on things.  We have successfully dealt with several issues.  My not getting enough "quality" time has been solved by us having one "date night" a week, where we go out together, just the two of us, no cells phones, and talk about things other than work.  We usually talk about US!  We also have one night a week at home where we have "together time" starting at 6pm - again, no cell phone, no computers, just the two of us, spending the entire evening together, with at least a half hour of conversation.  We make sure to put these two nights on the calendar each week, and we both look forward to them.  So progress is being made!

I still struggle, though, with those times where I feel invisible, inconsequential.  Where she does something that I see as "inconsiderate" in that it's crystal clear she hasn't taken me or my feelings into consideration at all.  Like last night.  I had a meeting to go to after work, and expected to be home around 9:30.  She was planning on stopping at the grocery store on her way home from work.  I was supposed to email her a list of what we needed from the store.  When I drove into the garage at 9:30 and she wasn't home yet, I assumed she must be at the grocery store and I thought "Drat!  I forgot to send her the shopping list."  I tried calling her cell - no answer - but that's not unusual - she often doesn't answer because the ringer isn't on.  So, I sent her an email with the list - apologizing for forgetting and saying "I hope you get this before checkout, but if not, don't worry." 

I did a few chores and then sat down to watch some TV.  At 10:30 or so, she wasn't home yet, and I wondered what was keeping her, but I wasn't really worried.  Then at about 11 - which is when we usually go to bed, she called and said "I'm just leaving work.  Are you mad?"  And I said, quite honestly, that I wasn't.  And that I might be in bed by the time you get home.  When she got home, she said - I'm sorry, I was at work.  And I said - And it never occured to you to call me to let me know where you were?  She said "I didn't know how long I'd be there.  And without recounting the details of our conversation, I basically said to her - "I'm not mad.  But I'm incredulous that you could let the whole night pass without me knowing where you were and not call me until 11.  (She had never done this before.)  That I never even entered into the equation.  Even after I sent you an email (which she had read before 10) indicating I thought you were at the grocery store about to check out.  It would never OCCUR to me not to tell you where I was.  Consider for a moment if I did - how might that make you feel?"  (I expressed this all very calmly.) 

She got the message, felt very badly, and apologized sincerely.  Which I needed.  So, all in all, the interaction went well and the issue was resolved.

Sort of.  And I say sort of, because this issue is all too common.  And I wonder how long I can go on without either getting angry or becoming detached.  We both agreed that it was indicitive of how OFTEN she does things like that that I DIDN't get angry or worried.  And my concern is that I won't be successful NOT getting upset, angry and bitter that there are so many times where I feel invisible (which, by the way, is one of my hot buttons).

I'm not sure what I am looking for by writing this.  Except I must say, it feels good to be writing it. 

I'm going through something that is emotionally devastating to me right now, but that is even worse for my (separated) husband. It involves one of his family members. I don't want to go into too many details, as I believe he may be reading this list from time to time, and I don't want him to know that "BreadBaker" = "my wife."

Let's say that, on a scale of 1 to 10, he's going through something that is a 9. I am going through the same issue, and it's an 8.5. Either way, we're talking about something that is extremely painful, and makes life extremely difficult to navigate.

I'm being treated as though something that has knocked the emotional wind out of me is "nothing," and that only *he* has the right to be upset, to seek comfort, etc.

Is this normal with ADDers--a sort of "co-opting" of a shared problem or grief? Or is it a sign of emotional selfishness--only he has any "right" to be affected by something?

I'm probably not explaining this very well. I may have to just describe what I'm really talking about in a later post in order to get accurate feedback.