Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Civility, respect and understanding required by: admin 15 years 2 months ago

    There have been a few heated posts that included personal attacks and profanity.  We are here to learn and heal, not hate and attack – we all have had too much of that in our personal lives, we don’t need it or want it here.


    We do want honest and open discussion.  Some of that discussion will be painful for others to hear.  Replying with respect, but where the message is not sugar-coated or easy to take, is what this site is for.  Attack the symptoms of ADHD and their resulting behaviors, attack the poor behaviors of spouses towards each other in relationship impacted by the affects of ADHD, but do not attack the others who come to this site for help and healing.  Also, do not take attacks on symptoms and actions as attacks on people.  Very candid and frank discussions may be very painful to hear by some.  You come here to solve some very deep-rooted problems.  Solving them will be painful.


    So, please be respectful and understanding of others.  Be civil (that means no profanity directed at others, and no personal attacks).  Take others motives who are trying to help, even if the message is difficult for some, for what they are.  A response that can be perceived by some as inducing pain is not necessarily an attack on the person, but can be merely trying to illuminate the others sides of a story.  Be understanding.  I will edit or even delete any posts that go over this line.

  • Adult ADD ends 21 yr marriage with non ADD-trying to understand all the connections-please help!! by: dolfnsavr 15 years 2 months ago

    My 21 yr marriage with my add husband is ending in divorce and involves some very weird behavior and components.  I am just trying to understand it all and put it all together, because frankly no matter how much I do research, think logically for months, or ask for advice, I am still completely in shock, and feel like the man I knew no longer exists.  I just wanted to ask if anyone thinks this behavior could be ADD related or just another guy in mid-life crises.

    Ever since we were first married I knew something was wrong with my husband, but finally put it all together one day after learning about adult add.  He had been diagnosed as a child and later told it would go away after puberty, and so nothing else was done.  After reading I realized all his behavior definitely indicated his add was still with him and affecting him now as an adult in different ways.  We both learned much, I felt like a bit of an expert after a while and he learned coping mechanisms that helped him and also what jobs he would be better at and so on.  We talked alot and really felt like best friends and sould mates and that we both understood each other very well.  And after many trials, tribulations, 2 kids (one with adhd), and me stuck with fibromyalgia after a hysterectomy, still together, coping, loving, trusting, I had no reason to think it would ever change, but I was so wrong.

    I had no indications, no signs, no warnings, nothing, just it started with 3 emails saying he was unhappy, then he didn't know what would happen, separation or divorce, or what, then the final was he wasn't in love with me anymore, but he still loved me.  First that was strange enough after 21 yrs and he tells me all this by email????  Granted he was working offshore in Vietnam, but recently started work in a new dream job with several promotions up and also an increase in salary by alot, something he has worked for for almost 20 yrs and finally now we could live without money problems and he would enjoy his job, it all sounded ideal, a miracle, answer to prayers esp. when this happened right before we lost our house to foreclosure, it was amazing timing, we got our house back, did many repairs, and except for my illness, seemed great.  Little did I know, this "miracle" would lead to the the worst time in my entire life and so much pain, despair, and misery I could never imagine especially not from my husband...my sweet, kind, patient, moral, generous, laid-back, submissive, respectful, loving, devoted, romantic, and trust-worthy husband....and then all of a sudden found out he had been cheating for 4 months before saying anything to me, and cheating with a 22 yr old Vietnamese girl (we have a daughter who is 21), and to top it off he also had a rent house in Vietnam all set up as well.  When he came back "home" to the US that first time, and finally confronted me, I had no idea who this was, this was not my husband, I did not know if he had a mental illness, mid-life crises, being manipulated by this girl totally, or even possessed,  he was rude, arrogant, mean, cruel, and seem to have no feelings for what he had done and what it was doing to me (I was so sick, mentally, emotionally, and even physically I had to even go to the hospital where they upgraded my acute depression to post-traumatic stress).  His reasoning was crazy, made no sense, he couldn't even manage to say he was sorry...and it got worse.

    Every time he went back to work and then had his 28 day leave, he would only come and visit for like 4-6 days, and his behavior was worse, erratic, and yet he still seemed to make him self at home and act like nothing had happened while telling me constantly of his experiences and relationship with pictures and all like we were still best friends and like he didn't even think about how it was hurting me.  Months went by, things still stranger, he was completely immersed in the Vietnam experience, the people, culture, food, language, everything, was entranced by it and seemed overly enthusiastic and obssessed with it, and he had a new girlfriend now, 26 yr old Vietnamese college student, and also a bunch of all female friends.  I found out sneakily how to send a message to this girl, because he indicated that noone knew that he was even married, and no matter how I tried to get angry I just felt too sad, hurt, and betrayed, and tried to forgive, keep loving and try to be there as a friend while logically trying to figure out and fix this problem....I did find out he had lied to this girl and everyone, and weirder, he not only said he was a single man, divorced 5 yrs with a son, he failed to even mention he had a daughter...and that is why I say it only get more bizarre...I did message that girl and set her straight and said he was not single, and had been married for 21 yrs and still was, but he also had a 21 yr old daughter and a new granddaughter!!!!  From what I heard later, she was really messed up but I felt just fine...until several days later he calls not mad, but happy, thanking me because he said he could now set the record straight...and even admitting it was his mess up, still not explaining why in the world he would just delete his daughter from his memory....and as I write this, It just keeps getting worse and I still demand this is not my husband, and the kids don't even know him either and of course my daughter is so hurt...and he is digging himself in deeper, now I don't see how he could ever come back, he even said he was happy now, with a "nice" house and lots of friends...(and of course the "other" benefits of dating really young girls with no consequences and basically having no responsibilities, but at the same time believe it or not he has been paying all the bills-mine and his new ones for these 2 different lives-or double life as I refer to it, and doing it with no real complaints because I am disabled, with no money and no job of my own.)  I developed fibromyalgia right at the beginning of grad school after getting my bachelor's degree, and then it manifested at it's worse the next year after my hysterectomy, which apparently happens commonly.  So, I never got to use my degree or reap the rewards.  But, he never complaned once and never blamed me, or so I thought till now.  He says he hasn't felt the same for like 5 yrs, and I had many chances, but will not explain what he means,  and although I remind him that he is talking about after I got sick, he either doesn't believe in the illness or me, and now acts like it doesn't matter whether I could help it or not, it happened and there is nothing I can do to change anything....he continues to display erratic behavior, and sounds even confused at times, esp. when my scientific mind starts asking him pertinent questions, and then as usual he gets all flutstered and says things like I don't know or What do you want me to say, and he still treats my daughter like she doesn't exist, he made a statement last time, he only came "home" meaning my house, to see his son...and it hurt because he still says I am his best friend and he does love me, but the worse thing is once again he spoke and forgot his daughter!!!!!  And when I pointed it out, he said I didn't say that or mean that...I have a therapist, and even she is confused and it's all too weird and bizarre that it almost seems like he's gone temporarily insane, but how and why and now, we have no clue...I know now from my research, that a few things I am sure of, he probably is in some kind of mid-life crisis, and he made some major health changes that improved the way he looked and made him feel much better, and also got his high-blood pressue and Type2 Diabetes (he had only been recently diagnosed with about 6 months prior), so along with a better self image, he might of also naturally helped his hormone levels, as well which would make him feel younger and revitalized, and maybe he could of felt that these feelings were "love" related instead of physical changes based on better health...he did claim the first girlfriend he had cried about and said it was love at first sight (saying all this to me of course, like I was a big zero and our long years meant nothing)!!!  I even told him a week ago he was here, that he was displaying either sociopathic behavior or was possessed!!!! And I meant it!!!!  He just laughed as usual and walked off whistling (his usual denial behavior or way of not dealing with stuff, acting like it doesn't matter)!!!  Well , sorry this was so long, I had to write enough in hopes that someone out there will make some sense of his behavior, I have tried, my family has, my therapist, my doctors, and even a week in a mental health facility with no help, no answers, and no hope.  At this point, although I did by best and just simply loved him, prayed for him and was just kind and friendly didn't help one bit, last time he treated me worse he was even more different but wouldn't tell me why.  Now I can probably only hope for his sanity and the kids to have their real dad back, as for me I getting tired of trying everything...Please help, I am 52, not wanting anyone else, never again, and I feel I have no future...I would still like to know the answers because I just can't let it go without some answers, nothing makes sense.  Anyway, I am the non add spouse, and although I have my own issues like OCD, if you can't tell, lol!!!

     

  • I want to help my ADHD wife by: mike62082 15 years 2 months ago
    I am in a very bad situation and am desperately looking for some insight. I once again searched the Internet to try to find some peace of mind and reassurance that my wife does not hate me and I am not crazy. Reading posts and blogs from people in similar situations helps me realize that the anger, hardships and abuse I suffer at the hand of my ADHD wife is not malicious, thus helping me cope.   I feel we have reached a point where her disorder combined with the way I have tried to handle it has brought me to a point where I can so no solution. Even though she has acknowledged a time or two that she probably has ADHD, its a topic I cant bring up without causing a huge fight. We have been together 3 years and I learned very early in our relationship that anger, nagging, and insisting will not help.   I think that in trying to support her and provide a life for her where she has as little stress and responsibility as possible, giving her an environment where she can work on her issues has only made things worst. I think I have been enabling her and allowing her to just settle in to her disorder. I cant mention her ADHD without her immediately yelling and screaming. In fact, even the tiniest suggestion or positive criticism only result in a fight. I have stopped asking her to do ANYTHING, knowing it wont get done, thus frustrating me and her. She barely holds down a job and not a week goes by where she doesn't perceive some mistreatment from a co-worker causing her to yell, scream, insult, and disrespect me as a way of coping. I don't argue back, knowing there is no winning and knowing that any little disagreement will quickly escalate to her spitting on me, giving me a black eye, breaking my nose, putting her cigarette out on me, breaking things in the house and saying horrible, hurtful things that leave scars that last much longer then the physical ones. Other then her job she does nothing else. I wake up early every day and bring her coffee in bed. She goes downstairs and is on the computer until the second she needs to get ready for work. When I get home from work in the evening she is on the computer until we go to bed. I am not exaggerating when I say I need to do everything. I work 50 hours a week, do ALL of the cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, caring for our 2 dogs and 2 cats. All without a single complaint because I felt I was helping to ease her stress and cluttered mind. I even wait on her like her personal servant. I love this woman more then I have loved any person in my life but I only seem to be enabling her. She barely notices I exist. She criticizes and insults me on a daily basis. I cant even remember a instance where she has done or even offered to do even the tiniest thing to make my day a little easier. I understand that its the ADHD that is the problem but I don't know what to do. I cant bring it up without being abused. I have learned that people with ADHD often misinterpret comments and facial expressions and have trouble accurately recalling things that have happened in the past but she will even scream at me during an argument claiming I did or said something 5 minutes earlier when in fact I never did. Is this common? I have lost count of the number of times I have been physically and verbally abused for something I never did, and the only way to make it stop is to agree with her and apologize for it.  she makes no effort to improve in spite of seeing how tired, run down, and lifeless I have become.   I live my life walking on eggshells, afraid to say almost anything, fearing she will misinterpret it and flip out. Nothing I do is good enough for her. I feel lost and broken. The way she acts has caused everyone else in her life to give up. She hurts everyone who has loved her and pushes them away. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis. The ONLY reason I haven't killed myself is the thought of what will become of her if I am gone. I feel like I am out of options. I guess what I am looking for here is some insight from a woman with ADHD. I know this relationship is unhealthy for us both and I just don't know what to do.
  • Surgery and ADD by: bjdjaunt 15 years 2 months ago

    My partner has ADD and depression/anxiety.  She's having major surgery next week.  When she had minor surgery a few months ago her depression seemed to heighten for a few weeks.  I'm concerned it will be worse this time around because she will be under more anesthesia for a longer period of time.  Has anyone else noticed this when their partner has surgery?  Does anyone have any ideas about how to minimize an uptick in post-surgical ADD/depression symptoms?  Thank you.

  • Suggestions appreciated for dealing with a reoccurring problem by: Aspen 15 years 2 months ago

    Well my husband and I have had what feels like the same conversation...accelerating to arguments frequently...that we've had numerous times over our married life.  He HATES to discuss finances & hates to do some of the paperwork for our business.

    Every year about this time I start getting really stressed out because I needed to have already received paperwork from him to get everything ready to do our taxes.  I am CFO of our business (which is just he and I--with him doing most of the actual work), and I also volunteer full time, and we share house duty and cooking, so we are insanely busy and when anything gets behind  it throws everything off.  I usually end up working through the night several nights in a row to get things lined up that he should have already done and that he has promised to do.  It is just part of doing business, and in this economy the idea of getting him a secretary or whatever is simply completely unfeasible.

    I used to really push staying on top of it all the time.  One big budget meeting before the month begins and several check ups through the month to help both of us stay on track.  3 things weighed into disorganized way we are doing it now (which is the way he wants to do it--though the result is not working.  He wants to just know what the bills are and assume everything else is spendable--little to no monthly saving and even insurance bills, buying tires, anything that is a several hundred dollar expense is difficult to handle this way). 

    1.  He was so resistant to actually discussing the budget that though we'd set up a time, he'd say he was prepared to do it, but it was like pulling teeth that I just couldn't keep dragging him along--and it was dragging usually even when he said he agreed with what we were doing and the goals it was helping is meet  

    2.  We were making more money so a tight budget wasn't as necessary  and

    3.  We made a major life change 2 years ago.  We both wanted this and it is a goal of our marriage together, but he is ideally suited for this situation and I am not.  It involved learning a foreign language (which he mostly already knew) and being absorbed in a foreign culture.  I resist change whereas he is a very admirably go-with-the-flow/be-happy-where-you-are kinda guy.  With all the extra stress and the time consumption this brought into my life, I really didn't have the emotional energy to do much more than ask for a meeting....which he'd always agree to, but the result was never a budget.  I kept up with both our business and personal accounts and kept the books balanced but not much more the first year.

    Last year at tax time it really hit the fan and I said NEVER NEVER AGAIN.  Expecially as we never were paid for some work we did.  We agreed that he would put all his invoices in one place organized by month and that at the end of each month, he'd provide me with a report of exactly which accounts paid us and for what services so that I could know exactly who's paid and what is owed. 

    Before anyone asks I have offered MYRIADS of times to take over the invoicing but he insists on doing it, and after some hiccups we have streamlined the process and set up checklists so that this actually goes smoothly now.  It was adding this extra report that he could not/would not do.  It is literally less than 1 hour of work.  All the invoices are already printed out and should be filed.  Just type up who was invoiced and when so that I can check that against what we received.  I have asked in every way a person can ask for these reports.  THEY HAVE TO BE DONE!!  I have offered to just do them.  He will not allow me to do them, and he will not do them.  It is Feb 2010 and I have not gotten ONE from last year....he is very genuinely sorry and apologetic and always swears he will get them to me *today* this has been going on for like 7 months.  I talk to him about it weekly.  He promises to do it immediately then does not do it.  I am ready to scream!

    The end of December we had a serious conversation about how this year was NOT going to go this way.  We scheduled 3 seperate budget meetings in January....not one happened.  We have scheduling discussions and he's doing better in every way with a new doctor and coach, but the budgetting he is just resistant to in a way I cannot understand.  I was gone for a week in the middle of January and other than work he had the entire week to goof off to his hearts content.  I asked two things.....that the house be straightened up when I got home (it was clean when I left and acceptable when I got home) and that he have at least 1 quarter's reports to give me on returning home (still haven't seen them though he claims the first quarter is done).

    While i was gone he told me he got the first quarter done and that he might just keep going and do them all.   I have asked for the first quarter a minimum of 10 times including twice today.  He always says he'll get them right away.....still never seen them.

    I exploded tonight.   He is sorry...he knows he should have given them to me...he just got distracted and forgot.  Before he left tonight I asked for them so that I could start on the tax forms since I unexpectedly have the evening off......he walked into his office and then left for work never having brought them out which I didnt realize till he left.  Which is when I called him furious.

    Tonight I just was not going to take anything for an answer other than an explanation for why he keeps putting us through this.  He finally offered that he doesn't really want to know the truth about our finances.  He knows when we have a budget that his *blow* money is reduced and that he has to pay more attention to what he spends when he is out working--he and a coach are supposedly working on this too.  He hates to know that he overspent a category even though we have discussed that a budget is a tool to get you what you want.  If you spend on things on purpose rather than impulsively then you get what you want instead of finding out that you blew all the money for that item on fast food that you didn't need or whatever.

    Verbally he agrees with all the reasons to have a budget, but I was devastated to hear that basically his personal feeling about having a budget (avoid it at all costs....it limits you...it makes things no fun) is unchanged since we made the first budget he'd ever experienced 8 years ago.  All our discussions and all our goals and deep inside he still feels the same.  This is the part of his ADD that I hate the absolute most.  He has the ability to believe somethign against all evidence to the contrary.  Verbally he'll concede but his real view never changes and therefore his actions in that area change very little.  

    I asked him if he's actually enjoyed how financially difficult it has been these last 2 years when I haven't been paying close attention to the money because I've been too overwhelmed with other things.  He says no because I am always stressed about it when I have to balance everything.

    I don't know how to get on the same page with him. He says all the right things. He's listened to Dave Ramsey...read one of his books...he *sees* all the value, but he just hates it.  He said tonight (for the upteenth time) that he knows his way doesn't work, so regardless of how he feels about it, we'll go with budgetting.  But I don't want to drag him along on this issue anymore.....and I want our financial life to be a full team effort.  How have you handled this issue???

  • Admin question by: Sueann 15 years 2 months ago

    I notice that I can't read some posts. If you go down "recent posts" you will see several posts that when you click on them, you go to the top of Dan's post ("Find a virtual slapper...), but it doesn't take you to the post itself, just to Dan's lo....ong original post. Then you can't find the new post because, since you've already opened that page, it doesn't get that orange "New" on it any more. George, can you fix that somehow? I have no idea how these things work. BTW, it only seems to happen if I am trying to read something in Dan's thread.

  • Please Help! Need a Referral and Advice!! by: oldwinger 15 years 2 months ago

    I received an ADD diagnosis three years ago while being evaluated for an ADD study. I saw an advertisement for the study and decided to sign up because so many of the ADD symptoms seemed to apply to me. The study was a double-blind study using Concerta as a medication. I seemed to get some benefit from the Concert ( I found out later that I was indeed on actual Concerta, not the placebo ). Anyway, to make a long story short, I had to leave the study before its conclusion because of my work. Since that time I have not been on any medication for my ADD. Recently though, I seem to notice once all over again how much ADD has had a debilitating effect on my work and personal life.

            Well prior to being diagnosed with ADD for that study, I was treated for depression. I tried many different ant-depressants, including Zoloft (or sertraline), Proza, Wellbutrin, and Paxil . Of course at the time I did not realize that I had ADD, and my doctor did not recognize it either. All the anti-depressants I tried made me extremely groggy and want to sleep all the time. In addition, I gained weight and my productivity plummeted. I did feel less depressed, but the sleepy-headedness I experienced made staying on the meds untenable. I stopped taking them and just tried to take a lot of fish oil and exercise a lot more. That helped a little-- and at least I was able to stay awake-- but recently a friend told me that there are good meds available for people with my kind of ADD.

          Basically, I have problems with forgetfulness like constantly leaving rooms without items I brought in with me, leaving rooms with lights/TV/computer on, etc. In addition, a major problem is my spacing out during conversations and reading. I do not really have so much of a problem with hyperactivity, risk-taking or poor social skills, I just really need something that will help with my forgetfulness and spacing out. Ideally, I'd like a medication that will let me sleep at night, and, lastly, I'd like not to have to keep taking pills every 4 hours during the day. Any suggestions? I may need a med that also helps my depression but even if I could just get a drug for my forgetfulness and inattention I would be thrilled! Have folks noticed that they have really seen improvement by taking meds for forgetfulness and inattention?  Have the meds proven to be more than a short-term solution?     

               The next thing I need help with, and this is very important, is a recommendation on a good doctor who takes MassHealth. I am presently out of work and it is vital that I find a doctor who accepts MassHealth insurance. I live in the Beverly ( MA ) area but am willing to travel if necessary. Money is an important consideration these days, but I also need a doctor who specializes in working with adult ADD. I simply can not afford to go to The Halowell Center.

            I really appreciate any one who makes the effort to help me out. I am so compromised in my day to day life that I am extremely depressed about my future. Thanks very much for your help!

  • Uh oh. Now What? by: purplepansy24 15 years 2 months ago

    Okay, now I'm hanging in mid-air.  Here's the story. Although my husband has been diagnosed with ADHD, he still gives very little validity to the diagnosis. He is convinced he is in control of everything, but acts like a complete jerk because of ADHD related behaviors..ie: only thinks of himself, terrible at prioritizing, late for dinner every night, doesn't get things done on time, spends a ridiculous amount of time at work while I stay home with two in diapers and a seven year old, watches tv or plays on his phone the majority of the time he IS home (which is rarely), is unreasonable about the things the children need, doesn't consider me, hates to have to listen to me, doesn't like to make any concrete solutions for things, etc. etc... We have been to different kinds of couples counselling for years, talk therapy, have had many tearful "ah ha!" moments, where he's sworn he'll never hurt me like this again blah-blah-blah. I have begged him to read the ADD stuff and he gets really irritated with how much I talk about it, although he has talked about the most mundane subjects possible (like weather, money and a TREE in our backyard for 5 years!) Anyway, although he really HAS made an effort, it's still so hard to be utterly ignored and treated like the last thing on earth that has any value.  He has an appointment on Tuesday to get medication (Not because HE wants it, but because I said he had to, or I was leaving. By the way, I have ADD too, and am on medication.) So, in a perfect world I would have just waited for that appointment, but the other night as I was yet again taking care of our whole family, he popped in from work for dinner. He then LIED to me that he had a client appreciation night and that he had to go out. It finally came out that he was actually going to a hockey game with his friend who GET THIS wanted to show him his appreciation for the RELATIONSHIP ADVICE my husband had been giving him! I almost vomited, blew into a million pieces and ripped his face off at the same time! All the years of being taken for granted, bending myself into a pretzel to accomodate him, yet still take care of the children, all of the PAIN came rushing to the surface and I knew I couldn't cry myself to sleep again that night. When he left for the hockey game, I bundled up the children and went to my best friend's house....where we've been for the last two days. Now I have NO idea what to do. I want him to leave the house so we can come back. I am a stay at home mom, and have raised these kids, thus far, largely alone (He works 6 days and is gone 3-4 nights a week.) He has always refused to leave in the past though, and I don't know WHAT to do. Maybe his medication, should he still choose to take it, will create a miracle, but I need SPACE TO HEAL and the children don't need to live in the tension.  Help!

  • My partner needs assessing by: Little1inLondon 15 years 2 months ago

    I am on a 1 week break from my partner because of his odd behaviour. I told him he is chaos and I need to remove myself from the mix so that he can sort himself out, and that he is draining me of all my spirit and will to live.  During this week one of my male friends who has an ADD son emailed me asking whether my partner had got Adult ADD.  I looked it up on the internet and I have been crying for the last 3 days.  My partner has so many traits its not funny. I've told my partner in the past it feels like I'm dating a 15 year old and Im his parent/big sister/boyfriend all rolled into one.  He's actually a 31 year old male and Im a 40 year old female, so I thought maybe it was the age gap but I think not now.  He makes me laugh and he is very interesting and has a focused professionally mathematical technical mind and I love him and I still fancy him very much.  So the following is not a rant, its real stuff I have to deal with and I don't know whether I should tell him we need to discuss getting him tested or I should just end the relationship for my sanity.

    At the beginning of our relationship he had bad sleep issues where he would terrorise me by shaking me awake and just stare at me, sing or have long conversations with me. Next morning he would not remember anything.  I told him to quit caffeine and things got better and now he only talks in his sleep every night which wakes me up.  I found it strange that he has no memory of his adult life but can recall detail of when he was under 12years old.  He cant remember what he did last week, and he has forgotten whole years of his life.  I thought he was deliberately being secretive.  He cant sit still, I tell him to stop foot tapping when he sits on the sofa because it makes me feel sea sick.  He is the messiest man I have ever met in my life, he leaves his clothes underpants and socks on the floor and will leave them there...I wondered why I was ending up doing his laundry and he wasnt even living with me!!! In the end I asked him to use my laundry basket if he didn't want to take it home with him but he cant even do that.  He talks over me all the time...he will ask me a question then while im answering he'll carry on talking!  When we're with friends (his friends as well) in a discussion over dinner or anywhere he will lose the thread and I will have to explain everything again.  I've found that he cant really articulate himself sometimes but that's ok, its the times when he talks so fast its like hes talking a foreign language, that frustrates me.  When we're out with friends he either falls asleep at the dinner table or goes AWOL. He doesnt know his limit and half the photos are of him passed out, or he will disappear from the venue to go and get packet food (its ok hes not overweight) and on one occasion he then got lost. Everyone went home and I was left with a friend trying to direct him back to the venue over the phone. Anyone would think he was a 15 year old doing drugs (which he certainly does not). I don't mind helping him in other areas - like paperwork and admin type stuff, or updating his resume etc. Its the every day clumsy chaos that is driving me insane.  He also has such low self esteem which he hides and 3 months ago he put himself on herbal anti-depressants (St John's Wart) and got himself an S.A.D light. He will have moody days but deny anything is wrong then the next day he will admit that he was feeling down and apologise for his behaviour. Bless him, I dont know whether Im coming or going with him, so the Lord only knows what he's going through.  I articulate and communicate calmly with him but he finds it very difficult. He also has repetitive ticks but he's good at stopping when I tell him to.

    At one stage he moved in with me but after two months of mess, chaos, braking things and him constantly saying "its only a glass, its only a marble work top...Its only a..." "I dont like cleaning Im better at cooking so you do all the cleaning" "Its just the way I am, just accept it", I asked him to move back to his flat that he was renting out to a friend and that we'd try again after refurbishing my flat.

    I want to marry him, because of his qualities and he would make a fantastic fun outdoorsy father but Im scared I will be looking after two kids and he wont grow out of it. 

    His 28yr old sister has odd phobias - will only drive on single lane roads (their retired dad will drive her to parties, shops and airports) and she has sleep walking issues, and has memory problems and refuses to use a computer.  His two cousins on his mother's side - one is 24yrs old, profoundly autistic and needs 24hr nursing as he cant even dress himself, and the sister is 20yrs and has just been put on permanent medication for OCD which was manifesting itself in violent outbursts. I once asked my partner's mother if he had been hyperactive as a child and she said "ooohhh!!! whatever made you think that??!"  I felt guilty I asked. But then he recently told me he was very disruptive at school and didnt get on at all and 'they' wanted him to 'get tested' but he refused because he 'didnt want to be labeled'. So when he failed his exams his parents paid to send him to a special school for 15 to 19 yr olds who dont get on in mainstream learning. I feel annoyed with his mom that she wasnt honest with me.

    My partner fell backwards down a flight of stairs (drunk) 9 months before we met and was in hospital for 2 weeks with a bruised brain.  The fall also damaged the nerves connected to sense of smell.  He has no sense of smell now and with that he loads his food with salt and chillies to replace the lack of flavour we have through smell.  Ive told him all the salt will lead to heart disease and he should go back to the hospital to discuss his condition, but he refuses to ever see a doctor about anything.  He said that because of his profession he wont be allowed to do his job if he has on record any type of medical condition. This is true to a certain degree and will strict him from a Health & Safety perspective. But if anything happened and he has not disclosed any medical condition he is potentially putting other lives at risk with the type of work he does.

    Im worried that if my partner agrees to treatment to save our relationship, he will revert to type within a year and by that time I will be getting too old to have a first child. And will that child have similar issues? But the way he is now, I wouldnt trust him to look after a baby.

    I dont know what to do.  Im seeing him in 2 days to discuss our relationship and where its heading but dont know how to tactfully tell him I think he has ADD and he should be tested. Or do I walk away before we get married.

  • How do I tell my partner I think he has ADD? by: Little1inLondon 15 years 2 months ago

    I am on a 1 week break from my partner because of his odd behaviour. I told him he is chaos and I need to remove myself from the mix so that he can sort himself out, and that he is draining me of all my spirit and will to live.  During this week one of my male friends who has an ADD son emailed me asking whether my partner had got Adult ADD.  I looked it up on the internet and I have been crying for the last 3 days.  My partner has so many traits its not funny. I've told my partner in the past it feels like I'm dating a 15 year old and Im his parent/big sister/boyfriend all rolled into one.  He's actually a 31 year old male and Im a 40 year old female, so I thought maybe it was the age gap but I think not now.  He makes me laugh and he is very interesting and has a focused professionally mathematical technical mind and I love him and I still fancy him very much.  So the following is not a rant, its real stuff I have to deal with and I don't know whether I should tell him we need to discuss getting him tested or I should just end the relationship for my sanity.

    At the beginning of our relationship he had bad sleep issues where he would terrorise me by shaking me awake and just stare at me, sing or have long conversations with me. Next morning he would not remember anything.  I told him to quit caffeine and things got better and now he only talks in his sleep every night which wakes me up.  I found it strange that he has no memory of his adult life but can recall detail of when he was under 12years old.  He cant remember what he did last week, and he has forgotten whole years of his life.  I thought he was deliberately being secretive.  He cant sit still, I tell him to stop foot tapping when he sits on the sofa because it makes me feel sea sick.  He is the messiest man I have ever met in my life, he leaves his clothes underpants and socks on the floor and will leave them there...I wondered why I was ending up doing his laundry and he wasnt even living with me!!! In the end I asked him to use my laundry basket if he didn't want to take it home with him but he cant even do that.  He talks over me all the time...he will ask me a question then while im answering he'll carry on talking!  When we're with friends (his friends as well) in a discussion over dinner or anywhere he will lose the thread and I will have to explain everything again.  I've found that he cant really articulate himself sometimes but that's ok, its the times when he talks so fast its like hes talking a foreign language, that frustrates me.  When we're out with friends he either falls asleep at the dinner table or goes AWOL. He doesnt know his limit and half the photos are of him passed out, or he will disappear from the venue to go and get packet food (its ok hes not overweight) and on one occasion he then got lost. Everyone went home and I was left with a friend trying to direct him back to the venue over the phone. Anyone would think he was a 15 year old doing drugs (which he certainly does not). I don't mind helping him in other areas - like paperwork and admin type stuff, or updating his resume etc. Its the every day clumsy chaos that is driving me insane.  He also has such low self esteem which he hides and 3 months ago he put himself on herbal anti-depressants (St John's Wart) and got himself an S.A.D light. He will have moody days but deny anything is wrong then the next day he will admit that he was feeling down and apologise for his behaviour. Bless him, I dont know whether Im coming or going with him, so the Lord only knows what he's going through.  I articulate and communicate calmly with him but he finds it very difficult. He also has repetitive ticks but he's good at stopping when I tell him to.

    At one stage he moved in with me but after two months of mess, chaos, braking things and him constantly saying "its only a glass, its only a marble work top...Its only a..." "I dont like cleaning Im better at cooking so you do all the cleaning" "Its just the way I am, just accept it", I asked him to move back to his flat that he was renting out to a friend and that we'd try again after refurbishing my flat.

    I want to marry him, because of his qualities and he would make a fantastic fun outdoorsy father but Im scared I will be looking after two kids and he wont grow out of it. 

    His 28yr old sister has odd phobias - will only drive on single lane roads (their retired dad will drive her to parties, shops and airports) and she has sleep walking issues, and has memory problems and refuses to use a computer.  His two cousins on his mother's side - one is 24yrs old, profoundly autistic and needs 24hr nursing as he cant even dress himself, and the sister is 20yrs and has just been put on permanent medication for OCD which was manifesting itself in violent outbursts. I once asked my partner's mother if he had been hyperactive as a child and she said "ooohhh!!! whatever made you think that??!"  I felt guilty I asked. But then he recently told me he was very disruptive at school and didnt get on at all and 'they' wanted him to 'get tested' but he refused because he 'didnt want to be labeled'. So when he failed his exams his parents paid to send him to a special school for 15 to 19 yr olds who dont get on in mainstream learning. I feel annoyed with his mom that she wasnt honest with me.

    My partner fell backwards down a flight of stairs (drunk) 9 months before we met and was in hospital for 2 weeks with a bruised brain.  The fall also damaged the nerves connected to sense of smell.  He has no sense of smell now and with that he loads his food with salt and chillies to replace the lack of flavour we have through smell.  Ive told him all the salt will lead to heart disease and he should go back to the hospital to discuss his condition, but he refuses to ever see a doctor about anything.  He said that because of his profession he wont be allowed to do his job if he has on record any type of medical condition. This is true to a certain degree and will restrict him from a Health & Safety perspective. But if anything happened and he has not disclosed any medical condition he is potentially putting other lives at risk with the type of work he does.

    Im worried that if my partner agrees to treatment to save our relationship, he will revert to type within a year and by that time I will be getting too old to have a first child. And will that child have similar issues? But the way he is now, I wouldnt trust him to look after a baby.

    I dont know what to do.  Im seeing him in 2 days to discuss our relationship and where its heading but dont know how to tactfully tell him I think he has ADD and he should be tested. Or do I walk away before we get married.

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