I'm sure there are lots of posts on this issue, but there are just too many post to wade through.  For those of you have been around awile, I apologize for bringing up what I am sure you have heard many times, but I reallt need some advice.

My wife and I have so many struggles over communications.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say I have many issues with the way SHE communicates.  She doesn't seem to think there are any issues at all, except that I keep telling her I have issues.

The issues seem to be too many to go into here, but three common ones are:

1.  She comes home from work, says "How was your day?"  I say "Fine."  And then without missing a beat she launches into a "core dump" of everything that happened to her, without taking a breath or seeming to want or need me to say anything in response.  I get exhausted ljust listening to her.  The thing is, I am interested in what she has to say, but to stay engaged, I need to PARTICIPATE in the conversation, if only to be able to insert some reflective comments now and then, such as "Wow, that saounds great"" or "That must have been frustrating,"  Or even to be able to make some clarifying statements to ensure I understand what she is saying and to help me stay on the same page as her.  Her style of talking does not enable me to do any of this, so I end up feeling "Talked AT" rather than "talked TO" and so I either lose interest and just detach (which she doesn't even seem to notice), or else I find it infuriating.  When I try to express this to her, she either gets defensive - thinking I don't want to hear what she has to say or she says "I have to talk that fast or I am going to forget what I have to say."  I have tried different tacts, from "Honey, would you please speak a little more slowly, I'm having trouble keeping up." to "please stop talking for a minute.  I can't get a word in."  Sometimes she says "OK" and then just keeps on talking, and other times she gets upset and stops talking all together.  Other times she'll say something like "I'm sorry, I just don't talk in "Kathy-speak."  (My name is Kathy.)  When she talks to me like that (very fast and non-stop) it feels like she is shooting words at me with a machine gun.  It is clear to me that she doesn't need, or want, any comments from me.  And I find myself wondering "Why am I even IN this conversation?"  This is beginning to really get to me!

2.  We have a conversatin and I make a clarifying comment, like "So you missed the meeting?" and she hears it as a request for more detailed information and says sometihng like "No, I looked at my calendar and it wasn't there and I assumed the meeting had been rescheduled but Diane never called me so I went to the library to talk with Carol about the problem she was having and when I got back to my office there was a message from John wondering where I was because the meeting had started."  And I think - isn't that just what I just said in 4 words?  I was just looking for a simple "Yes."  This kind of thing happens very frequently, where I make a comment indicating "I am with you" and she responds with "No . . " followed by lots of detail about whatever Ijust said, rather than "Yes, and . . " and then moving forward with the conversation.  We seem to always be "getting stuck."  It is clear to me that the "conversation conventions" I normally use do not work with my wife and I am wondering what conventions I might use instead.

3.  I think of a conversation as a give and take - you say something, I say something in response, you say something in response to what I said, and so on.  My wife thinks of a conversation as: I say everything I have to say while you listen, then you say everything that you have to say while I listen.  Her style of conversation is very difficult for me, as when she talks I want/need to make clarifying statements to make sure I undersatnd what she is saying, make empathetic reflections in reaction to the emotional content of her statements, ask clarifying questions when I'm not sure what her subtext is, etc.  And as an introvert, I am just unable to talk non-stop without input from the other person.  Also, if the other person is NOT participating in the conversatin I start to feel like I have lost her, that she is bored, that her mind is wandering, whatever.

OK - This is a lot for one post, I know.  But that is an indication of how overwhelmed I am feeling right now.  And I know SHE is also overwhelmed, as she feels that she can't talk tome without me telling her she's not talking in a way that works for me, which is becoming more and more true - so she feels constatntly criticized, rightfully so.  So in addition to the issues I am having with our conversations, I am falso aced with not knowing how to talk to her about these issues without her feeling criticized and getting upset.

Finally, I have to say that these things did not seem to happen in the beginning of our relatinship.  (We've been together almost 3 years, married for 6 months.)  I have no recollection of mere conversations being such a struggle, where now they always seem to be.  It didn't used to be such WORK just to have a conversation.  I'm not sure when it BECAME such work, but I am to the point of wondering why I didn't notice this earlier, because it is beginning to make me feel that while we are SO compatible in so many ways - not being able to enjoy a simple comversation makes me think we are in real trouble.  And now I find myself not knowing how to NOT attend to this when we are in a conversation, and so I am almost constantly aware of it, which makes it even worse.  How can I be in the same room with her and NOT notice all these things that have become hot buttons?

Hi all, this is my first post, thought I posted it somewhere else (not sure where if I did) but I dont know what I am doing LOL or if this is the right place to put it.  Here is goes...

I have been reading and reading, I feel so extatic to have stumbled upon this site!  I think my husband of almost 3 years is ADD.  I, like many others on here Im sure, could type for hours on all of our issues and fights but I first off I need a little advice.  I think he may have had issues as a child with ADHD but Im not sure what if anything was done to treat it.  For some reason Im thinking we may have had a conversation about him taking meds or his parents wanting him to but its so faint I just cant remember what may have been said.  It wasnt one of those conversations where we were specifically talking about past medical history, but something that was randomly said durring another conversation.  Our marriage has been extrememly rocky the last 2 years.  We have had some marriage counseling but my husband works out of town 95% of the time, it was hard to make counseling work if we were only able to go once a month, if that.  I went individually once a week to work on my personal issues, faults etc.  His time at home is never regular so sometimes he will be home 2-3 weekends in a row and sometimes Im lucky if he's home once a month. 

 So many of the info, articles, blogs and stories of other people and couples seem to fit him and our relationship to a TEE.  Now I am fully aware that our marriage problems are not just him, even if he is ADD, but reading how people with ADD understand things and communicate, it makes total sense as to why the changes I have made and the different tools Ive tried to use, have not helped the marriage. I feel like I am in a better place with myself emotionally, but the marriage is worse.  I have broke down and cried many times while reading, and thinking what Im reading is a diary of our relationship.  I felt like I was reading a story about us but the names were changed. 

Now that I have found this site and realized this could be whats keeping us from a happy marriage, I feel like I have won the lottery but with no way to cash the check.  This is the first time in a LONG TIME that I have felt any kind of hope for him and I.  My problem is, I dont know how to approach him with all this.  We have serious communication problems and can basically only talk basic stuff: How was your day, hows the weather etc... He is very defensive and I dont want him to think that I am "Blaming" him for everything, or that something is "wrong" with him or any of the sort.  I am hoping someone can give me some insight.  He isnt the type to take medication for every ailment and Im not sure if he believes that ADD is real.  I am hoping that maybe he will atleast meet with someone to determine if he does have it and if meds would help.

I love him dearly and want our family to stay together (we have a son 1 1/2yrs, 3 dogs and a cat) forever but if it turns out he isnt ADD or he wont deal with it if he is, it is inevitable that we will get divorced.  I have suffered too long and taken too much emotional abuse.  It wont be long before our son will be suffering from it too if things dont change one way or the other.

Thanks!

My ADHD wife and I have been working hard on navigating our differences.  We attended a marriage weekend with Dr. Hallowell.  We've picked up some books like "Driven to Distraction" and "Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?"  She has gotten a diagnosis and is on meds.  We are working together to put systems in place so that work.  For example, we have followed Dr. Hallowell's suggestion of scheduling together time of at least a half hour at least once a week, where we usually talk about our relationship - and often discuss the weekly Marriage Tip Melissa sends out.  We schedule one date night or date day a week - usually dinner and a movie, lunch and a museum, etc.  I call her when I leave work, which increases the liklihood that she can detatch and leave work herself.  I am working on nagging less.  She is working on not incessantly using her iPhone.  Etc.  Etc.  We have seen LOTS of progress.  And we still have SO MUCH to work on.

One thing I am working on in particular is using "loving detachment" (to use Melissa's phrase) in order to avoid some of the on-going struggles we seem to be having.  Recently, after yet another terrible argument because my wife is never ready to leave when we plan to leave, I found myself thinking "this just can NOT go on."  The pattern we were in was:  we would have plans to meet friends at, say, 6:30pm.  In the afternoon, I would say something like "I'd like to leave at 6:15 - will that work for you?"  to which she would answer "yes."  At 6 o'clock, I'd say "Honey - it's 6 o'clock.  Time to get moving."  To which she might answer, or she might not.  (Typically, she doesn't BEGIN to move until the time we agree to leave, and then it takes her 15 minutes to do whatever she has to do - close down her computer program, feed the animals, find her phone, go to the bathroom, get her coat on, etc.  Hence, I give her a 15 minute "heads up.")  I then also say, at 6:25 - "5 minutes, hon" to which she might say - "I know."  Yet, she is STILL on the computer, and I know we'll be leaving late.  So I start to get frustrated.  It gets to be 6:30 and I say - "time to leave."  Then she finally gets up while I sit for 5 to 10 minutes in the car waiting for her.   Grrrrrr!!!  It seems I'm ALWAYS waiting for her - to put down her phone, to get off the computer, to get ready to leave.  And it's become a real hot button for me.

Some might say - tell her you want to leave at 6:15 and she'll be ready by 6:30, but that doesn't work because she doesn't move until I do, and when I get up I'm in the car in 2 minutes, where it takes her 15.  And I'd still be waiting for her for 15 minutes.

So, I decided to try a new tact.  I said to her - honey, I can't keep getting angry waiting for you every time we go somewhere.  From now on, I'm going to tell you what time I'd like to leave and then leave it up to you to be ready.  If you're not, I'll take my car and you can take yours.  And she agreed. 

In retrospect - maybe I shouldn't have said it to her like that - as it was me TELLING her what I was going to do instead of working out a mutual solution with her.  Because when the next time we had to leave to go somewhere it happened again, and I started to leave, she totally lost it and YELLED at me not to leave, saying she was almost ready and how could I just leave?  So, I ended up waiting for her , thinking "is this really worth leaving 10 minutes later than planned?"  But I was very angry in return, and it took me awhile to "cool down." 

The next thing I tried was this past Sunday while we were still in bed, I said "Honey, I'd like to take seperate cars to church."  (I usually end up waiting for her at both ends - going to church, where we always end up running late, and then after church, when she ends up in long conversations with people and I end up waiting for her to leave.)  She said - "how about you tell me what time you want to leave and if I'm not ready, you just leave?"  And I said - "I'd actually rather just agree to take seperate cars.  Then neither of us will end up getting angry."  She angreed, and we took seperate cars.  And neither of us got angry.

But is that the only answer - taking seperate cars whenever we go somewhere?  That seems like a poor solution to me, as time in the car CAN be together time.  And taking two cars is inconvenient, costs more money, etc.  I feel between a rock and a hard place.

I wonder if anyone has other ideas of how to manage, and perhaps resolve, this seeming endless battle.

Hi Everyone, I cannot tell you what a blessing it has been to stumble onto this site! I sat for hours reading the posts with tears running down my face. It was such a relief to know I was not alone in what I was experiencing. I met my DH 23 years ago when I was 21. He was a young fighter pilot in the USAF and I was an undergraduate student. Like most everyone, our courtship was wonderful. There were no real problems except a few personal things I noticed which I thought were odd. It was these very things that should have tipped me off to DH's ADD.  Wrinkled clothes, lack of others needs, focus on his wants and desires..etc. It wasn't much, but I should have caught on. Being so young and naive I looked past these things and tried to concentrate on the good qualities he had. He was/is very intelligent, has a keen sense of humor, likes to do fun stuff, was successful at work( or so I thought). As with most ADD people, the hyperfocus was there and he was going places. The probelms didn't really start until we had kids. Everything in my life changed and seemingly nothing in his did. I took on all the responsibilities of wife and mother. Our first wasn't so hard it was the second that threw me for the loop. Not so much to do me in, but I thought since there were two kids now, Dh would pitch in more. Didn't happen. I managed fairly well without a lot of help. I was used to adding more to my plate.  Dh was gone quite a bit so it actually helped keep things in order. I was able to keep things on schedule and the kids faired well under my guidance. When the third was born, it was chaos. Our third was a little more needy than our first two. She required more one on one, needing more attention, etc, (she is my adhd girl :)) my kids were all so little they helped entertain each other which was a blessing for me. They were 4, 2 1/2, newborn. Just like I wanted. I actually wanted 4 kids but the work got to be too much so I had to stop at 3. Let me say I feel so blessed to have my kids in my life, they are my saving grace and if I had never met Dh, I wouldn't have them. Now fast forward 10 years later... My son, my wonderful, thoughful, kind hearted, amazing, ADD son. He is so bright but struggles getting things in order for school. He does the work, but forgets to turn it in. His teachers love him because he's a great kid. They help him keep things in order as much as they can. He does get down on himself because he wants to do better and do it himself. He hates that he forgets stuff and thinks he stupid... I only wish I was as stupid as he is! I am working with a counselor to help address his needs so he won't get to the point my dh has. I wish I knew all of this 5-10 years ago. Things would have been so much easier! I am contemplating leaving my Dh. It has been so many years trying to parent him, and forgiving him for forgetting, being thoughtless, selfish, needy, I just don't know if I have it in me any more to go on with him. I feel it is better for our kids so I can teach them to be independent. If things stay the way they are they will not learn how to be independent. My feelings are this: Children learn by example..Dh counts on me for everything... laundry, cleaning, planning meals, grocery shopping, homework, appts., kids activities...etc.. The kids are learning to use me as Dh does... where is my..  when am I supposed to do that.... can you find.... what are we having for dinner, lunch...etc... is there any.....where is my homework... I'm sure this sounds familiar. I feel my Dh has taught our children to lean on someone else to figure things out for them. I am at fault for allowing it. I am learning to ignore requests so they learn responsibility and accountability. It is difficult at times but if I step in, I'm making it more difficult for them in the long run. I'm trying to undo what has been done. I don't know how long it will take, or if it will even work. I just feel in my heart that if things don't change they will be unhappy adults questioning everything about themselves. This is the last thing I want. I feel torn leaving my Dh as we have had some good years but if I stay I know things will not change and I cannot parent a 50 year old man. I have 3 kids who do need direction and guidance and the last thing they need is seeing an adult who is in essence, a child. What motivation is there for them to grow up and lead a life where they have to do things for themselves if they don't have to? I feel ADD has ruined my life.. I cannot let it ruin my kids life too. Sorry to go on... this has been years in the making..

mom2three