Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • How Do I Make a Request Without it Sounding Like a Criticism? by: Hoping4More 15 years 4 weeks ago

    My wife often takes what I consider to be "simple" requests as criticism.  For example, I am now doing the laundry and I would like to say to her "Honey, would you please do me a favor?  When you take your clothes off at night, would you please turn them right side out?"  I want to ask her this because it would save me time in folding/hanging up clothes, because as it is now - all her clothes are inside out and I have to spend at least 5 minutes or more turning them right side out when I do the laundry. 

    I think I would be asking her to do something that will make doing the laundry easier for me.  I expect she will HEAR it as a criticism of HER, as me telling her "You take your clothes off wrong."  Or she will hear it as my being controlling, or nitpicky, or some of those other words she often uses to describe me.  And I really think it is just me asking her to do me a favor to make something I do less time comsuming.  But because I know she will hear it as critical, I won't ask her, because I'd rather not upset her and/or have her criticize ME for being critical, demanding, or nitpicky and/or end up in a fight over such a small thing.  But actually, it's not really small, because I think of it every time I do the laundry.

    I would have no problem if she asked me to do something differently that would make life easier for her.  And I wish she would react in kind when I ask her to do something to make life easier for me.  But the truth is - she rarely asks me to do something differently for HER - she hardly ever expresses her needs, desires, preferences, wants, etc.  (Which is a whole other problem, because sometimes she expects me to be a mind reader.)  I have no problem making requests of her.  And it seems to me that's a part of negotiating living together.  If I don't tell her it would help me if she turned her clothes right side out - how would she know? 

    I guess that's an awful long way of asking:  how do I make requests of my wife in a way that she doesn't hear them as criticism?  Maybe I could preface my request by saying something like "Honey, I want to ask you to do me a favor, but I am afraid you will hear it as criticism and then criticize ME for being controlling or nitpicky."  And then just see how she responds?

  • Cycle of chaos by: hotdog1970 15 years 4 weeks ago

    My husband of 15 years has undiagnosed ADHD, our last marriage counselor suggested he be tested and treated a few years ago but hasn't done it.  He'll bring it up every now and then but never follows through.

    We have been living in a cycle of chaos that goes something like this:

    Phase I – X gets depressed by something (me, work, kids) and starts drinking more, smoking pot more, griping more, generally making everyone miserable so he doesn't have  to suffer alone.  Can’t talk to me about it.  I try to cheer him up and be supportive but it sometimes doesn’t work.. which leads to Phase II.

    Phase II – I get upset that X is  self-medicating by drinking more, smoking pot more, griping more, falling backwards instead of making progress.  Anxiety and frustration at not being able to help him and just dealing with being miserable all the time lead me to a bad mood.  I can’t talk to X about it, that would be nagging and is unacceptable.. would result in a skip to Phase V immediately.. I distance myself, less touching, less intimacy.

    Phase III – Tension builds until X picks a fight with me over one or more of the following things (money, sex, raising kids, don’t respect him or his things, I like for things to get broken). I give in because there is no communication going on. X just wants to get his feelings out but doesn’t want to hear my feelings so he bullies me with screaming and yelling.  I just want it to be over since it is pointless to argue when he throws a temper tantrum like this.

    Phase IV – X feels better for venting and getting me to apologize about whatever the argument above was about.  Now I am left with frustration at being yelled at and bullied and not allowed to have my feelings validated.  So I distance myself from X even more, less eye contact, more coldness, because I am frustrated and angry at having no voice and being disrespected so terribly in the argument.

    Phase V – Tension builds again because of my distance until X picks another, bigger fight over all of the topics above.   I am the root of all X’s problems and frustrations.. Nasty intimidating looks, nasty comments in front of the kids about me, possibly suggesting divorce again. I usually cave at some point, just begging for the chaos to end.

    I honestly don’t know how much longer I can stay in this cycle.  I'm so dang tired... We just completed Phase III again and I'm thinking that this Phase V will be our last because I won't cave, he won't get help, he'll ask for a divorce again, and I'll be too tired  to fight it anymore. Our poor children :( Shoot, I know I’m not perfect and need to improve my communication skills, but what’s the point if we are stuck in this chaotic cycle of non-communication. 

    I just needed to vent with people who will understand.  Thanks for listening.

  • Please help by: Rosem1111 15 years 1 month ago

    Please, I need help. I feel I am I am finally becoming unable to cope.

     Actually I have often felt despair swamping me over the past 5 years since my husband sent an angry email threatened divorce unless I did certain things he wanted. He ended by telling me that "You are a good lay". That feel upsetting too. But things have always been hard to live with with him. He now curtly refuses to discuss the matter of his marital plans. I try to cope with the uncertainty.

     I am long term married to a guy who certainly has ADHD but goes undiagnosed of anything and thinks everything is either my fault or my responsibility to fix. I have often thought he trys to push me into a mother role. I am a kindly mother but I can't be a mother to my husband; that seems like incest to me emotionally though I have no problem helping with regard non intimate and impersonal matters.

    My husband has always been very abusive and controlling and uses punishment and withholding a lot. He is constantly negative and blaming and is threatened if I try to talk things through or disagree, voice my needs or won't do what he wants. He says often that he is "head of the household" and has told me what to do. He now sleeps in another room and barely speaks to me. His anger is like a thunderclous with lightning around him. His face has always been so mean and angry around me that people can shrink and shudder when they notice. He controls everything and makes  poor financial decisions. He has motgaged the house and plays the sharemarket and spends without planning and unwisely.

    I have been on a long growth curve involving much since I married him. I try to be assertive and not to be brought low by his dominance and destructiveness. I know I have learned a lot and am a lot more mature since I married him, not that I think I was ever really immature. I am still trying to improve. My biggest challenge is to find serenity and hope in my uncertain, unloving & toxic circumstances. I now feel i am losing this battle. 

    We have been to counselling several times but he won't really participate and becomes very angry with me afterwards if I speak frankly. The last time we went was 5 years ago after I said I would divorce him if he didn't come. This was after he seemed to dissociate and attacked me physically & then shouted angrily that i was shouting at him when i was just quietly trying to get him to stop attacking (I couldn't escape). That counselling time he insisted I was crazy and everyone knew it. Now he refuses to go to counselling.

    Please don't just say to go. There is too much at stake for that. But I think I can't go on as is.

  • ADD Husband looking for ways to keep wife happy by: nchild 15 years 1 month ago

    I am 31, and I recently discovered that I have ADD.  It feels like a ton of bricks have been lifted from my shoulders.  I feel great about it.  It has explained a great deal of my life.  I've always had a sense that I was different, but I never knew what it was.

    I've been married for almost 3 years now, and unfortunately my ADD has damaged my relationship with my wife.  Actually, I believe all of my relationships were damaged due to my inability to focus on a significant other.  As I am writing this, I realized that I just said "ADD has damaged...", but I do not want to blame the ADD.  I gave into my inner desire to stay "busy" 24-7.  I believe the word is "insatiable". I always assumed that my wife was happy because she never complained to me.  As things went on, she sought out attention from others and had an emotional affair (over the internet).

    It's been a little over three weeks since I discovered this emotional affair and it nearly ended our marriage.  My wife and I had agreed to go to marriage counseling, and this is where my ADD was discovered.  Since discovering this, I feel that things have greatly improved for the both of us.  My wife had told me that she feels like this is our second honeymoon (while I was thinking the same exact thing).  Now, we talk every day, mostly about how we feel and I am very excited about it.  We are taking walks and preparing dinner together.  I love it.  Every night when we go to sleep, I tell her that "today is the second best day in my life."  Second to the day I married her.  I feel that and I believe that (but it has only been 3 weeks).

    My biggest fear is that I will not be able to control my mind and I will drift off again.  I am afraid I will become bored and irritated, mostly because this is how I have been in the past.  I feel that I have been hyperfocusing on her and I don't want that to go away.  If I were to compare myself to a stereo, I would either be on mute, or full blast.  Never in between.

    It's also embarrassing to say that I just discovered that women need emotional connections, while men need physical connections.  I have a tendency to over-complicate and over-think things.  Is it really as simple as just listening and talking?  Spending time with her, helping her with the chores, going to the movies, talking about life, etc...?  Maybe it's my ADD talking, but I feel that she would eventually get bored of that (mostly because I think that I would).    I don't really know what "emotional connection" means.  The word "emotion" makes me think of sadness, crying and frustration.  I don't think I'm emotionally connected to myself.  I have had a very low self-esteem growing up, mostly because I never fit in to any crowd.  As an adult, I still have a low self-esteem but I have improved greatly, ever since I've been working as a software engineer.  I receive a lot of praise for my workmanship and creativity.

    I want to give her the world, but I don't know how. (<-- Just thinking this brings tears to my eyes...and I don't know why)  When we got married, I told her that she did not have to work.  (She has a masters degree).  I assumed that she would have been happy and she would have looked at this as a sign of how much I love her - where I don't want her to have to put up with other peoples crap in the workplace.  I did not want her to ever have to deal with stress.  Needless to say, it was a bad idea because it made her feel lonely. 

    I want to keep her interested and excited but I feel it will be hard - because it is hard for me to stay interested and excited so I feel that everybody is like that.

    The other day, I was looking thru some of the books in my library and came across a book that somebody had bought for me as a wedding gift.  It was titled "What men know about women".  I was actually excited to have come across this book, as I am desperate to find ways to make her happy.  Sadly, when I opened the book, every page was blank.  It was a cruel joke, but it did make me laugh.

    Please help. 

  • Divorcing the ADHD Husband by: rlm 15 years 1 month ago

    I have been reading posts for a long time and often times it has helped me to calm myself down after feeling particularily upset about another incident with my ADHD husband.  We have been married 17 years - he is 17 years older than me but I  feel much older!!!

    Almost a year ago after years of chaos and unpredictable behaviours I asked him to move out of the house.  We agreed we needed a break - I was overwhelmed with all the responsbility on my shoulders and I wanted him to go out on his own and see if he could manage.  I thought it would force him to take a look at his untreated ADHD - get the medication (actually take it) and get some counseling.  I am 100% financially supporting our children, two dogs, several properties and my business. He lives as a tenant of my tenant, drives his motorcycle to his part-time pilot teaching job and is now telling everyone he is happier than he has ever been!!!  I am appalled and quite frankly embarassed for myself and my children.  I am very driven and succesful - I work 10-12 hour days and make a good living. I just cannot get over my anger and resentment that I supported this man/child for all these years and now he is just riding off into the sunset without a care in the world!

    During our marriage he didn't have angry outbursts or temper tantrums - to the contrary - he wouldn't speak about issues, showed little emotion towards the family (Ironically he can easily cry during an emotional McDonalds commercial) and just seemed distant and removed all the time.  His contract pilot jobs were terrific for someone like this - he never had to really invest or commit to anything because the phone would ring and off he would leave for days or weeks at a time.  Actually the more he was gone the better we functioned and I was used to taking care of everything.

    In the past few weeks I have met with my attorney and begun the divorce process - it has been hard.  I repeatedly tried to reach out to him to see if there was any chance of reconciliation but he has become even more distant, irritable and removed.  I set up three different times to meet and the first meeing as I was waiting at the restaurant he called and said he would be an hour late, the second meeting he was twenty minutes late and my third invitation to dinner he stated he couldn't go because he was going with his roommate to his girlfriends (a woman who he knows I think is a complete loser) to make burgers on the grill.  I guess I am in so much pain that it takes several slaps in the face before I come out of my own foggy existence.  He just recently told me I make him feel bad about himself.

    I am now preparing for a nasty divorce (he has already stated he may ask for monthly support) from someone that has completely abandon all his responsiblities - including his daughters.  He lives less than five miles away and finally after many horrifying comments from me had our daughters over for a dinner last week.  They had never set foot in the house - maybe he is embarassed that his children will see him living with another knucklehead (also in his 60's) in a house that is furnished with card board boxes.  (This is because the roommate drives a mercedes, buys expensive wine and doesn't want to grow up either).

    I go to our former marriage counselor (she originally diagnosed his ADHD) and she has stated I must move on.  Even though I have been completely responsible for everything for years I can't overcome the feelings of sadness, lonliness, scared and overwhelmed. I send him posts from this site because I want him to get help so he doesn't completely alienate our children as well - I just don't think he understands how important that is.  I hope he can function for our girls - I know it hurts them to see him living like a broke college student but I just keep reminding myself these are his choices. 

  • All I feel is relief.... by: Flower Lady 15 years 1 month ago

    My husband has been staying at his brother's house for the last two weeks, and will soon be staying in a house he bought several months ago.  All I feel is a profound sense of relief...the constant anxiety is easing a little bit every day and I actually feel optimistic about the future for the first time in years.  Although my children are all still at home and I have to deal with my Sjogren's Syndrome on a daily basis (it's not fun), I feel GOOD.  Twenty six years of living with his ADHD and OCD have taken such a tremendous toll on my physical and mental health that it's almost like the air in my home has gotten lighter.  Imagine that. :)

    I truly believe that this arrangement will be permanent as my husband seems unable to strip away the denial and rationalizing of his behavior.  His world is so narrow and illogical that I can't live in it anymore.  There's no room for anyone else in his reality.  It's so sad.

    Still....I can see a light at the end of the tunnel...and it's very bright. :)

    Wishing all of you better days too.

  • how situations could go wrong, and what can be done to protect them from a stressful fate. by: desposi 15 years 1 month ago

    Ive noticed latley one trait that can be either present in the adhd person, or in the non-adhd person, but when gone unrecognized can wreak havoc on a relationship with spouse and kids alike. 

     

    what is it.....ever get that feeling that you always get so frustrated with the fact that people wont just listen and listen to your lead when you try to either work together, or ask them to do something. 

     

    When was the last time you asked your son to go out and do something, wheather cleaning up the garage, putting something away, or to help you with the dishes for example.  

     

    of course you had this thought ( more of a sense) of how something should happen in your mind ideally, to be most efficient or get things done the best way.

    that person, if your about to work together - you see them start doing something that dosent go with this sense of how to most efficiently do something in your head.

    what do you do, most likley, you get a bit nervous or agitated. - raising your voice ussually. 

    **** right their...as soon as you raised your voice, the whole process of working together or forging some sort of positive mood has been Thrown out the window.  

     

    Now how is that other person to react when this happens - if they have adhd - good potential for them to lash back (we tend to have poor impulse control for things like this). though even if not adhd, that other person can really get turned off, be hurt..have their own sense of energy and purpose sucked out.  

    suddenly you have caused their stress response and yours to kick in.  

     

    Is what you have asked some one to do - or are working on with them likley to get done to the quality you want, or at all by them. 

     

    at this point, i would say no, but even if it is - the overall effect is negative for the rest of the day.   as the stress response has been activated.  What this does  - causes you to eat (emotinally eat, we all do this)  (sit down and veg in front of the tv, to burn off steam)  ( decreases not only the productivity of what you get done, but of that other person)    increases stress hormones and activates a persons limbic system, theyby increasing impulsivness - something not good in adhd families/relationships. 

     

    So might i return to what started this sequence of events - you had an idea, or more of a sense, of "HOW" you wanted something done.   Some one either did it but didnt complete it on their own because they ran into a problem you didnt address, or somebody started doing something to start a project you were working on together that didnt jive with that idea, or sense, of how something should be done in your head. 

    * heres where the adhd part comes in - were not the best at task switching - and say were about to do something that would requier getting serval different things done in a certain sequcence ( like clearing the table, rinsing the dishes, loading the dishwasher, wiping the counter etc..for example)    You start to get nervous..or anxious..your voice raises and you set off the whole stress response that hurts you both in the long run.   your productivity for the rest of the day, and your relationship.

     

     

    how can this be avoided....and trust me...it takes a bit of a transformation, as ive realized this sort of habit that cuases this to happen can be hard to break, but once you realize it, you can only move forward. 

    this tends to happen as the parts of our mind responsible for that insight about how we want things to happen, and our ability to clearly articulate everything to the other person are two seperate parts that are not neccesarily always working together perfectly.   as when one is activated, the other is not so much...and vice versa, and translating one insight to more than few simple words is hard at times. 

     

    but its imperitive to practice pausing and letting something be for a second to actually prevent from getting nervous and raising ones voice.  as this only makes things worse.  then upon pausing - to talk in such a way to articlate the whole picture to somebody - the intentions of what you want to happen, including why something is happening, and the final outcome.  Do this, you avoid the stressful sequence of events that could potentially happen.  

    dont, and things hit the fan. 

     

    also, for the adhder who may not be good at switching tasks without a boundry or direct reason ( lets be honest, "because i told you so" has never been an effective reason) 

     

    but as you sit and try to collect your thoughts, gently walk up and put your PALM on their shoulder and ask them to pause for a few moments to help you with something else.  

     

    it might just give you the moment to think through something outloud that you need to in order to articulate your self correctly. 

     

    Im writing this as ive seen this sort of situation happen too many times in my adhd family ( 4 of the 6 of us are adhd)  and have seen it cause so many problems, and it wasnt till i got older and had a chance to run an area at a summer camp with my own staff that i found my self exhibitng the same behaviors a bit.  It hit me how much i did this without thinking as it was more of a learned behavior.  but once i learned from my mistakes that in the end - how it gets done - isnt always so important - finding ways to include more hands in something even if its not always efficient will produce more cheerful service is really the way to go.  

    its just a bit frustrating to learned this on my own but then still come back to a family full of members who havent had a situation where they learned this. 

     

    if their are questions or clarifications, please make a comment. 

     

     

     

  • It's after midnight -- where's my husband? by: Bitanonymous 15 years 1 month ago

    My husband left the house this morning after an argument. He left the car, his cell phone, and all his belongings -- just walked out -- and it's after midnight and I still haven't heard from him. I'm left sitting here on the couch, worried sick, and wondering where all of this went wrong.

    We're young and recently married (3 years). I found out a lot of things after we were married, even though we knew each other and dated for years before committing to each other. Everyone says that there are "warning signs," but until we were married, my gregarious, fun-loving husband kept most of his problems secret from me.

    For one, my husband has ADHD w/hyperfocus that went undiagnosed until we were married, along with several learning disabilities and social anxiety. He has an ongoing speech disorder (which I knew about beforehand) but told me he was a "great" student. Yet, after we're married I find out that he can barely get through his reading and homework. He takes so long and needs so much help that I'm often up with him until 2:00 in the morning every day, just so he can pass. His anxiety prevents him from getting help from his professors or the college tutoring center. It's just easier for him to lean on me.

    I told him that I can't tutor him anymore, but he just stopped going to class and was at risk of failing that quarter. Some quick thinking and access to his email account allowed me to beg for incompletes from his teachers due to "unforeseen medical issues" (hey, not a lie!), just so the school wouldn't chase us down to return the financial aid money (gotta love "satisfactory academic progress").

    Incidentally, he also "forgot" to file his taxes for several years in a row and owed almost $10,000, which I found out when I got a letter from the IRS in the mail saying they were going to garnish wages and seize assets. Not to mention an additional $25,000 in other debts, including a large loan from a family member. The first three years of our relationship were hell while I tried to get us caught up financially, which I was able to do with a lot of help from my parents.

    On top of the academic struggles and his financial irresponsibility, he's also not great with the household. If you ask him to help clean, he scrubs the bathroom for 3 hours but does nothing else. He can't cook, he just makes peanut butter sandwiches or a bowl of cereal if I don't prepare food for him. He also can't make phone calls to the doctor, our vet, our realtor, or any professional because he can't be attentive during conversations, has difficulty with his speech, and can't recall information.

    Even with an arsenal of medications and regularly seeing two therapists, I feel like I'm constantly "managing" my husband's ups and downs. 

    When things get tough, he has fits of aggression and outbursts of anger, like this morning. On more than one occasion, he's screamed at me until he was red in the face, while I laid on the couch, literally covering my ears, cowering and crying hysterically. "Can't you see how mean you're being?! Stop yelling at me! You're scaring me!" I'd cry out to him.

    On another occasion, I was dealing with the serious illness of a family member and had the stress of caretaking. I had a "special conversation" with him about how I was going to need his help, love, patience and understanding during this difficult time. Instead, when I failed to answer him RIGHT NOW while I was in the middle of preparing food for ten people, he ran away and took the family car.

    Eventually, we took a drive so I could confront him about the behavior. He screamed at me again, to the point that I felt unsafe, so I got out of the car. He sped away, leaving me in an unfamiliar location by the side of the road and drove away. I walked home 5 miles alongside a busy road (no sidewalks or streetlights) in the dark.

    I'm drained and exhausted. Was today's fiasco the last draw?

    We had spent several days pent up in the house catching up on his homework, taxes, financial aid applications, and our shared bills, and Yesterday, I had begged him to take me somewhere, since it's the first week of spring. As always, his idea of "going out" is to pick up take out food or a home movie. So that's what we did. But he promised that in return we'd get to go out somewhere the next day, and we'd also have to dedicate the day to getting caught up on household matters. We'd struck a deal.

    When I wake up today, I ask him to take me to a coffee shop so we can make plans for the weekend. What would we like to do first? What needs to get done around the house? How do we budget our time so he can finish his homework? Can we slip in some quality time for ourselves?

    Instead of saying that he'd like to go or not like to go, he yells at me for breaking "the plan." I try and tell him that he's being classically "hyperfocused" and that he should step back and look at the big picture here. Be flexible! Why can't we stop for coffee while we check in with each other and make weekend plans. He pushes back and really puts me through the paces. But at last he comes around and says he's sorry. We can go get coffee.

    I thank him for apologizing and trying to see things my way. I also share with him that the exchange we just had was hard on me. I try and explain that it makes me feel bad when simple little things get turned into a major argument. 

    Then he explodes. More yelling, more aggression. He takes several of his belongings and throws them in a trash can (things I purchased for him?).

    And that's where things are right now. I'm exhausted from crying -- feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for him, wishing things would "get better," always looking for the positive and praying that we'll make it.

    I'm a tolerant and patient person, but when is enough, "enough?" What do I do? Wait for him to come home and apologize . . . until the next time? There's no space for my feelings or needs, anymore, and I feel like I'm missing out. We never had a "honeymoon" phase. Just "before marriage" and "after marriage," when my life felt "normal," and "crazy."

    When do you draw the line? I'm ready to turn the light out, get into bed and just accept that my marriage is a complete failure.

  • Angry Tantrums by: Hoping4More 15 years 1 month ago

    I was just reading through some old posts and came across some about tantrums.  The posts were about tantrums the person with ADD throws.  However, when I read some of them, they sounded like they were describing me!  I am the non-ADD partner, and I find myself sometimes - and lately, I would say often - getting to the point where I "snap."  I find myself yelling furiously at my wife, leaving the room and slamming the door behind me, going back into the room and yelling some more, leaving again, feeling like kicking or throwing something, shouting the F word as loud as I can while I pace back and forth not knowing what to do with the anger I am feeling.  The thing is - I NEVER acted like this before!  Well, that's not true - I sometimes acted like that years ago when I was in my 20s (I am now 54) when I was drunk.  I am an alcoholic and got sober when I was 38 - over 15 years ago, and I haven't had a drink since.  But it's only recent that this behavior has reared its ugly head again, and I don't quite know how to stop it.

    I know these tantrums happen when I feel unheard, invisible, and "wrongly acused" by my wife.  Mainly they happen when I feel like I am just not getting through to her.  I know I say things that are hurtful, and I always feel terrible that I let myself get to that state.  And then I find myself thinking "I don't need this.  If this is what marriage is going to be like (we've been married 6 months) then maybe I made a mistake.  I can't live my life getting angry and fighting all the time."  I've been thinking it's something about my wife that is causing me to get so angry, and so the solution that comes to mind is maybe I need to leave the marriage.  But I don't really want to do THAT.  In reading through some comments, it sounds like I really need to address my anger issues.  I read The Dance of Anger years ago, and I remember it helping a lot.  Maybe it's time for me to read it again.

  • Lost and confused by: lostinwi 15 years 1 month ago

    Hi I am new to this site and this is my first time ever writing on a forum of any kind. I have to say this site has been a godsend to me in understanding my life. Sometimes I am reading and I feel like someone is looking in my window because this is my life.

    My husband and i met when we were in high school. We have been together for 13 years and married for 5 of those years. We do not have children, only our furry babies. During this time we have definitely had our highs and lows. His unpredictability, compulsive actions and inability of filter what he says have caused more heartache for both of us than I can even say. Not to mention the issues with school, work and money we have gone through. He was diagnosed in college with ADD. When he was diagnosed he was prescribed Wellbutrin and he took this for a while and I could see his personality changing and he was become violent. My husband is the sweetest most caring person I have ever met and this was extremely uncharacteristic of him so he stopped taking the medcine and because of money issues he never went back to the doctor for a different treatment plan. Throughout of relationship he has told me that he doesn't think the same way as me, or I just don't understand him and I would be lying if I said that I didn't downplay the role ADD had on him and played in our relationship. But looking back he is a poster child for Adult ADD and I never took the time to understand and ultimately this has led to where we are today. During the course of our relationship, I have been the fixer, the cleaner upper, essentially his conscience, his mother, and over time we have both become resentful towards each other and the situation we are in. I have a high strong personality and like to be in control. In the begin this relationship fed that but now it is to the point that I don’t know myself. He would do something or not do something and I would blow up and say things I didn’t truly mean to him because of my frustration and never truly realized how much I hurt him. I always regretted the things i said and would apologize but it was too late they were already out there. I would try in arguments to breathe and calm down but it never worked.  I would clean up after him in social situations when he said something without thinking. I would treat him like a child in stores because he was too busy paying attention to other things. We worked for the same company for several years and when things would go bad I would even attempt to clean up for him there, I did this for 7 years until he went to a different company.

    So here is where things boiled over…2 weeks ago out of the blue I came home from work and found that my husband had packed up and left me. At the time I had no idea why or where he had gone. I contacted the police and they issued a missing persons for him. After the police left, I started to piece together what had happened. My husband, the love of my life, had met a woman online and decided to leave me and fly to across the country to start over. He drained our bank accounts and left. I spent the entire night reaching out to make sure he was safe. The next morning he called and said he had made a huge mistake and wanted to come home and work things out. He flew home that same day and I came face to face with the denial I had been in. The day after he came home he began to open up about what was going on in his head. He had never told me anything. He said he didn’t want to hurt me and he left without even a note because he couldn’t stand to even think about how I would react to our life falling apart. Looking back now we weren't happy, I "thought" we were but we were but I was just existing but not connnecting with him anymore. I love my husband. But he had literally blown up our life. He almost lost his job because he left and never went back to lunch,  luckily they were understanding and are giving him another chance. 

    We are starting counseling both individually and together but I am struggling everyday. I don’t even know where to begin though, I don’t trust him. I am a successful and strong person and I know I should be worrying more about myself and less about him but it's like a hole I keeping falling into. I know ADD doesn’t excuse his actions but I believe it was a huge part of the reason things got as bad as they did. I find myself apologizing for everything for the situation we are in, for the things that happened in the past, It just falls out of my mouth. I am pushing down my emotions because I don’t want to upset him. I don’t know what I need, I live minute to minute because I am so afraid the bottom is going to fall out again. I ask him to tell me what he is thinking but he doesn't know what to say. He told me to tell him what to say so he says what I want to hear...If I wanted a parrot I would get a bird! He just keeps saying I am sorry and I love you. He says he doesn't know what else to say. I look at him and i want to shake him. He will answer any question about the situation that I want to know, but ask him what he is feeling now and he clams up. I can tell he is hurting too but I need him to reassure me. I want him to take care of me, I want him to want to make it up to me but sometimes it feels like he doesn't even care.

    Anyway thank you all for sharing your stories both good and bad, it is helping me understand that i am not alone and is giving home to get through this fog. Any advice you may have that can help me are truly appreciated!

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