Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Losing It Fast by: lscheierman 15 years 3 months ago

    Like many of you out there, I am losing patience fast.  I have been married to a person with ADD for four years now.  He was diagnosed after one year of us being in a relationship, shortly after we moved in together.  He was 34 when diagnosed, so you can imagine the damage to his own self that he has endured. 

    Right now I feel like I am on a roller coaster that is now out of control.  I have absolutely no idea where to start to even gain control over my own life again.  We are in Europe right now and all I want to do is find a divorce attorney when we land in the U.S. 

    We have been in marraige counselling for one year.  It has not helped.  The counselor is not trained in dealing with ADD.  Does anyone know how to go about identifying a personal counselor (for me) that specializes in ADD and marraige counselors that also have this specialty? Also, any tips to gain control over the roller coaster would help me.  Where did you start?

  • assertiveness techniques by: brendab 15 years 3 months ago

    Can anyone recommend any good books, websites, classes on learning to be more assertive?  I think I need to learn some assertive techniques, statements, etc.  When I think I am being ignored or manipulated I tend to respond mentally and emotionally aggressive.  I believe that it would help me a great deal to have some assertiveness insight to control myself, build stronger boundaries, and feel a sense of protecting what i value.

    brenda

  • Just found out I'm pregnant and flipping out about my relationship with ADD partner by: ahope 15 years 3 months ago

    Hello All, 

    I just found out two days ago that I'm pregnant, and although it is something I thought I wanted desperately, my first reaction was actually to freak out at the prospect of having a child with someone whom I feel is so ego-centric that I can't trust him to give me the attention I need at this time.

    My partner was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a teenager, and has been on and off meds throughout his life.  I actually prefer him when he's not on meds because that tell-tale ADHD "sparkle" disappears when he takes meds.  However, I'm very aware that I can't have my cake and eat it.  He is a wonderful person, with an enormous amount of energy, a great capacity to handle chaos (which I lack), boundless amounts of affection and a generally cheerful persona.

    The problems in our relationship arise because he doesn't read emotional "cues" at all.  He is never "there" for me unless I tell him to be, which makes me feel desperate and like I'm begging.  Almost all of our conversations revolve around things he wants to talk about - usually himself.  In recent years I've become quite short with him because of this lack of sensitivity to my needs.  It makes me feel very distant and like there is little or no intimacy between us.

    Having a child with someone with whom I do not feel intimate is a very scary prospect.  I am seriously considering terminating the pregnancy - not only because of these ADD-related issues but also because he will be in school for another 3 years and I am the sole money-earner.  He would rather I terminated the pregnancy at this point also as he feels he will be unable to cope with nursing school AND a new born baby, and he would like to be able to contribute financially.

    So my dilemma is this:  On the one hand I want to have a child for myself - I'm 35, a school teacher, and very ready in myself for this next stage of my life.  On the other hand we already have big problems in our relationship and I'm terrified that bringing a child into the middle of it would a very bad idea for everyone.  But I feel SO resentful that something I want to so badly has to be sacrificed yet again to accommodate his issues.  Just for once, I want to have something for myself, and I want him to understand that I need him to accommodate ME and my needs, instead of me always accommodating his.

    I'm not posting here to try to get advice about whether or not to terminate the pregnancy - that is obviously a very contentious issue for many people.

    But I am asking for any advice on how to feel less resentful, how to create a relationship in which I don't feel as though I'm making all the sacrifices (which go unnoticed), and how to find real intimacy and connection with my partner.

    Thanks in advance - and sorry for sounding whiny :) 

  • Is anyone else not interested in sex with an ADD spouse? by: Cathryn 15 years 3 months ago

    I haven't had any sexual desires in....years.  I always thought there were many reasons for it, which there may be, but the last year or so I've boiled it down to just one thing-I don't feel close to my ADD husband whatsoever.  And I've told him this, of course he doesn't do anything about it.  And yes, when we have sex it's all about him.  He ignores anything and everything else and does whatever he wants until he gets himself done.  I know this is all part of the ADD, which he's only known about having for a few days now so we have yet to get him any help.  But it's like, not only am I very unhappy with our marriage, I don't even have the joys of sex.  He has an incredibly high sex drive, would do it every day if he thought I were willing.  He's had a porn/masturbation addiction in the past, but he's gotten past it, thank goodness.  But I think those addictions have negatively altered our sex life.  There's also a definite lack of trust, which is something you need in intimacy.  In any case, I'm just really curious if anyone just simply has no drive or desire for sex, including not even enjoying the sex, with an ADD partner they're not feeling close to. 

    Also, those who's spouses have gotten help for their ADD, has the trust been built back up?  Was it difficult to do?

  • 10 laws of boundaries-good read by: brendab 15 years 3 months ago

    I found this pdf online, but I don't know who to give credit to.  It sounds like a student at Cornell wrote a paper on boundaries.  I think I will use this as the basis of creating some new boundaries of my own.  Having weak boundaries causes a lot of unnecessary pain.

    http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/04ten_laws.pdf

    Brenda

  • Hi, my name is Cathryn, and my husband has ADD. by: Cathryn 15 years 3 months ago

    Why do I feel like I'm the one with the problem here? lol.  Ok guys, I'm a newbie here.  I found out a few days ago that my husband of 5 years has ADD.  At first I was happy.  I thought, there's a reason he is the way he is.  Now, for some reason, I'm scared to death.  What if he doesn't change?  I know that's not a good mindset to have, I need to believe he'll get better.  But what if I will always feel alone, worthless, overwhelmed, desperate for companionship?  I have been overjoyed to find this website and learn of others going through the exact same thing as I.  I admit I'm depressed at seeing how many of these marriages end in divorce.  I'm a stay at home mom to 2 young children.  May I ask a few questions?

    Are ADDers aware of the negative affects they have on loved ones?  My husband seems completely oblivious depsite my calmly and lovingly telling him how I feel.

    Will I pretty much always have to be his mother?  Overseeing everything?  Taking care of everything myself?  Cleaning up after him constantly?  He doesn't help me around the house, this is almost too much, I want more kids, but with him I already have 3 kids to take care of. 

    He spends money constantly, money we sometimes don't have.  I can't trust him with our financial future, depsite me being the one handling the finances.  Is this normal?  It scares me to death that b/c of him, we may never be financially secure with a good savings, etc. 

     

    Thanks yall, I know I'll have more questions, I'm just so overwhelmed right now, and as I've said many times-scared.  We don't take marriage lightly, I don't want divorce to be an option.

  • Do Therapists Ever Charge on a Sliding Scale? by: mblank 15 years 3 months ago

    I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and am currently taking medication to help with the symptoms.  While this is helping, I recognize that I need regular therapy to help me better understand my condition and improve my overall self-esteem. I know that until I do this, I will struggle to improve my marriage and that when I land that next job, i will come across the same problems I experienced in the past.  I am recently unemployed however, and while I am on COBRA, there are very few therapists on my plan, and most have little if no focused training on ADHD. 

    I have two questions that I need help answering.  1. Is it better to see a therapist with minimal background in ADHD vs. not one at all 2. Do therapist ever charge on a sliding scale based on your financial situation?  If so, how do I find out who they are?  I live in the Washington, DC area and I have had a hard time locating experienced (and not overly-expensive) ADHD therapists. I have inquired at the local universities with minimal success and am not sure what my next steps should be.  I appreciate any personal experiences or advice.

  • Medication and Therapy - are both required? by: Sass 15 years 3 months ago

    The man I am involved with has ADHD. He is currently on Adderall and thinks that's all he needs to do. He decides what he has to do during the day and then decides when he should take his medication. Everything I have read indicates that the medication should be taken at the same time everyday to help with ADHD symptoms (distraction, hyperfocusing, lethargy, etc). Any time I ask him about that he gets very defensive and shuts down. Sometimes the things he says makes me think he may also have some depression as well and it worries me that he isn't addressing it. He has never sought any therapy either and I don't know how I should broach this subject. Any suggestions?

  • ADHD and Post Pardum Depression by: goingcrazy 15 years 3 months ago

    I'm just wondering if there is any information out there about ADHD and post pardum depression ("PPD")?  It would be very helpful as I haven't been able to find anything.  In my experience ADHD and PPD seem to aggravate each other and I was therefore wondering if there is any information which could help me. 

    I have ADHD which was diagnosed while I was in my senior year of college over 5 years ago.  I had managed to more or less live with my ADHD and cope with daily life.    However, I was seriously hit by PPD which started after the birth (emergency cesarian) of my son 2 years ago. This is combined with other serious health problems which started during my first pregnancy.

    Although the PPD started to get better after a while, I never fully came out of it due to the surprise pregnancy of our second child.  We found out that I was pregnant just shortly after my husband and I moved to Europe when our first child was only 8 months old.  The PPD was difficult for me to deal with and became even more intense with the birth of our second child. 

    The past 9 months since our second child was born have been an extremely difficult emotional roller coaster.  The ADHD and PPD seemed to aggravate each other and have made it very difficult for me to cope with even the most basic tasks of life.   Where I (prior to my pregnancies) had a bit of a temper which could flare up and instantly burn out again, I have been reduced to a seemingly perpetual state of frustration and depression where I have a difficult time doing anything without getting frustrated to great extremes and generically not being able to cope with life.  

    It has been hard to want to seek out any help here as I do not speak the language and have had a really hard time learning it with my ADHD, health problems, PPD, kids and the list goes on with all of daily life.

    Quite honestly I'm not sure how I've survived this long to reach a point where I want to talk about it.  In moments where I am able to not be as influenced by the PPD hormonal mood swings I have wondered whether the ADHD and PPD influence each other. I think they are connected and aggravate each other but in my recent search I haven't found anything about it. So now I am here and asking.  Any help would be VERY much appreciated by both me and my family!

    Thanks in advance.

  • My ADD husband left me, how to I get him to open up? by: nikkip925 15 years 3 months ago

    I am a stay at home mother of 3 children age 4 and under. That alone is exhausting and can make me lose my patience easily by the time my husband- when he lived here- came home from work anytime after 8pm. He works weekends, with every other Sunday off and one day a week. Whenever he had a day off he would golf or just sit and watch tv, play with his Blackberry, anything but me. Now he has decided he wants a seperation because "I don't know." or for my happiness, that I deserve someone who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. I seemed miserable, I was but I wasn't. I just felt unloved, unimportant, lonely, along with being tired from the kids and housework. I took lots of things out on him. I wish I had come across this site earlier in my marriage, so I could understand that all the times I felt unloved could really have been an effect of the ADD and he wasn't as selfish as I thought and everything I had been feeling was normal. Some of the blogs express my feelings much better than I ever could.

    His history is that he had been diagnosed with ADD as a child and was on medicine until he was 17 when his mother died and didn't make him take it anymore. He is just now- after 6 years of marriage- taking steps to as he says "fix" himself, but will not let me support him. He will not talk no matter how hard I try, not willing to try anything my way. I think he has just convinced himself he is done. I have tried journals, I have gotten 2 emails in a month that both could be summed up as he wanted to leave. But still no real reasons why.

    I have no idea what to think. I know that despite everything that drove me crazy about him, I loved- and still do- him and the man he is inside. I do not want a divorce, I want to work on our marriage, I need to learn not to yell because no matter how loud I yell I will still feel unheard. I know we both have our issues we need to work on- and we are both going to counseling individually- but not for our marriage- as he is unsure if he is willing and able to put in the effort needed to save it. I need answers that he can't give me and that is frusterating, to which I feel the need to keep telling him I am here to support him and love him in hopes of getting something back. It's not working. I think I am making it worse but I need need answers. He was the first man I ever completely trusted and for him to do this to me, I feel I at least deserve to know why. Does he really not know?

    My therapist has told me I need to put my foot down and not let him be the one in control of my marriage or my life, which I agree with; I just don't want to feel as if I am abandoning him either. He said he just wanted me to wake up one day and realize I was better than him and to pack up and leave. But I'm not like that. I didn't marry him for only the good times. I knew who he was when we got married and that person is who I fell in love with and still want to spend my life with. I have told him all of this and still nothing.

    I don't know what is his ADD or what is part of something else- his self esteem took a huge hit when he lost his job a few months back despite getting a new one- or what part is actually me. Do I walk away? Do I stay until they figure out his meds and hope they work right away the first time and he is willing to work on changing his behavior? Or has he already walked away for good? I just feel so lost any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

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