Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Teen with ADD: Struggling Academically..Need Direction by: ajr 15 years 4 months ago

     

    While my husband has  ADD… doesn’t lose things,  is helpful  with chores etc., nice guy, just he struggles mostly with processing of information and gets overwhelmed and cannot plan things well or move forward. He is going to CHADD meetings and finally “seeing the light”, because he has finally identified with someone who understands his struggles etc….I feel blessed we have found some direction and answers to stop our madness.. BUT……

    Our 2nd  child,  a son, age 16 seems to have similar patterns. I think I’ve always known it, but was in denial as I couldn’t bear to have my child going through the same as his dad for the last 15 year…I was overwhelmed with my husbands situation, and impact to ur marriage... let alone having my sons issues as well which arent terribly pronounced except academically.

    When he was younger age 3-6yrs  he was constant motion and we suspected ADD.  Had him tested and his pschologist thought he had ADD.  We put him on 18 MG of Concerta ( low dose from what we understand)into 4th- 6th grade and it helped. No longer did it take him 1 hour to write a simple 5 sentence thank you note, and the meds helped his focus ability….

    As puberty hit around 13 we took him offConcerta for the summer months as he didn’t need to highly focus unless it was academics in the school year….He seemed calm, on task etc, so we guestimated the change in hormones during his teen years didn’t warrant staying on the meds….His school work as easy, so we didn’t notice  the lack of concentration, focus ability etc…He is not on meds and he has been doing fine  over the last 2-3 years…He’s helpful, 6”2’ 215 lbs, a good kid, sports Jock… football  & wrestling, is highly social, has many  friends and does average in school. He does chores, is mostly conscienscious, follows directions and can get a little obstinate at time, but we chalk that up to general teenage behavior nonetheless. 

    Now that he is in high school I see many parallels to my husbands ADD behavior which concern me  and appear to be blossoming. Last  year as a freshman, his grades were average (3.6 GPA weighted due to advances classes but can go from getting as A to B  to C to D to F all in a 2 week period…. He is bright and does the work..His teachers comments are that he is “ excelling in mediocrity” right now….We aren’t expecting straight A’s by any means, but B’s are certainly reasonable  for his ability level and we’d like him  to eliminate the D’s and F’s for greater consistency. He has the ability and has demonstrated so….Just not consistently.

    A few days ago my husband asked him to complete a learning ability question assessment  and check the boxes….He identified 5-6 areas by himself, yet when I ask him what he needs help with, he cant articulate it well…He knows high level details, yet when it gets to details he cant express or write them well….( this also sounds like my husband)….So as an example in Algebra…He knows the answer, gets it right,  but cant readily show his work( details) so he loses test points.

    My son knows the material, studies, thinks he did well on a test, and comes home with  D!  Punishment doesn’t  work, taking away his sports actually hurts him more, as the sports regime keeps him on schedule and busy and active which is better for his brain and focus levels. Sports motivates him to  keep active and on schedule…

    Have talked to the teachers and were not getting a lot of distractibility concerns…If we ask him how his focus is, he says o.k…He tends to like to get done quickly because he thinks he knows the work, and doesn’t check his work.....Also has problem with 3 part questions..Gets to the first part, and never answers 2nd or 3rd part….so he loses points. He appears to have “ processing” issues….

    This year we put him in a special study hall program with tutor help so if his grades  due take a dive he has tutors to help with study skills, test taking etc…..This just started….His curriculum will be harder this year, and I’m concerned there may be other underlying things going on here…Im temped to try him  back on Meds but I’m not sure my son will be receptive at this point…Next steps are to get him reevaluated with ADD….

    Any insights for Teens with ADD..?

    I’m grateful we are figuring out my husbands ADD but am overwhelmed and want to get my son some help quickly in school…..

    Blessing to you…I’m trying to count mine!

  • Demoralized -- Too Little, Too Late? (My 1st Post) by: Jerry70 15 years 4 months ago

    First of all, I want to say thank you to Dr. Hallowell and Melissa Orlov for such an incrediby helpful site.

    I am an ADHD spouse. I am 39 and have been married to my wife for 15 years. I was diagnosed with very mild Asperger's Syndrome (AS) at the age of 37 and then at 38 my therapist suggested I may have NLD instead. Bottom line: Both I and my doctors believe  that I am somewhere on the "high end" of the autism spectrum and until about 5 months ago, all of my treatments and coping strategies focused on that.

    An incident about 5 months ago led me to ask my therapist whether I had ADHD. I couldn't see how my ADHD traits were a pattern and not an isolated incident, so I didn't really expect my therapist to take the idea seriously. But when she said that all of her other AS/NLD clients have some form of ADHD, I immediately made an appointment with my doctor and researched ADHD. I then learned about ADHD primarily inattentive (ADHD-I). (For those of you who do not have ADHD, I cannot even begin to explain how utterly surreal it is to read something like a description of ADHD-I, instantly recognize you have it, then recognize you've had it your entire life, and then realize how many incidents you thought had nothing to do with each other were all linked.) Anyway,  I got a diagnosis, am on medication, have regular follow--up appointments with my doctor, and continue to get therapy.

    I now feel like ADHD-I, not AS or NLD, has been my #1 obstacle in life. This discovery has been very valuable because the tips I've picked up for coping with ADHD have been much more helpful (for me) than the tips I've picked up for AS/NLD. I know I have a lot more to learn and am working hard to compensate for my weaknesses. I am proud of the fact that I was open-minded and proactive enough to recognize I had a problem, sought out a diagnosis on my own, take medication, get therapy, and read wonderful sites like this. Also, my wife and I are in couples counseling. I have a very successful career (albeit at the expense of my marriage in the past) and contribute financially to the family. That's the good news (I think).

    The bad news is that I am coming to terms with how much damage I've done to my relationship with my wife.

    * For most of our marriage, I was not very helpful around the house.
    * For the first few months after our first child was born, I wasn't very helpful with the baby, either.
    * My wife is a giver. I have been a taker. I probably still am.
    * I have a tendency to interpret everything literally. This causes all sorts of communication problems. I know this. I don't like it. I want to stop doing it. I have no idea how. When I am told I take things literally and I am given the non-literal explanation, I think I do a good job at not getting defensive. And I am usually very good at seeing how the literal words could have been used in a non-literal way. But none of this helps prevent the tendency to take things lierally. The mere awareness that I have this tendency is quite literally (no pun intended) worthless as a tool for preventing me from doing it.
    * My wife is exhausted and has tried to tell me in so many ways, but I'm unable to see the big picture. When she mentions specific examples, I think I do a decent job at fixing those specific problems. But she tells me I am not getting the big picture and haven't fixed the root cause. I accept that.
    * My wife feels intense sadness, hurt, disappointment, frustration, anger, and rage at me. I'm starting to understand how my actions have impacted her.
    * I have a tendency to hyperfocus at the expense of her, the kids, the house.

    I am trying very hard to make changes, but I worry it may be too little too late. She has engaged in classic character assassination (attacking me personally, questioning my integrity, intelligence level, telling me she doesn't respect me, etc.). She is dismissive of my feelings. She has shouted at me in front of our kids, threatened me with divorce in front of the kids, and physically attacked (she even did this once in front of the kids). I am starting to wonder if there is a vicious cycle going on, where the more emotional stress I feel, the more my ADHD symptoms impact my behavior.

    I am finding it incredibly demoralizing to be treated in such a combative way. I sometimes think about giving up on the marriage. I take responsibility for my mistakes (to the best of limited ability to understand them), but I also feel that I deserve to be treated with respect.

    Thanks for listening. Any words of advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

    Jerry

  • I'm done by: Skiptheshark 15 years 4 months ago

    I am not done with the relationship.  I'm done with life.  I am a ADD spouse.  Until I read this column I had no idea that I caused so much pain in the life of others around me.  My entire marriage I have tried to please my wife.  I do not go out with friends, I devote my entire non working life to her.  I have distanced myself from my narcissistic mother, left my business partners due to my hyperfocus at work, so I could spend more time with my spouse.  I have tried to change my sex life, to accomodate her needs.  I have tried to put the family first in all my life.  I am utterly unsucessful.  An excellent example has been the last two weeks of my life since I have been diagnosed with Add.  I found out that I can't communicate, have sex or do anything very well.  I am a very good attorney with a busy schedule.  I clearly take too much work and spend too little time with the family.  Last week was our 15th anniversary.  I had taken my wife out to lunch.  I had planned to rent a hotel room after lunch, to be more romantic.  I had mentioned it to her but she gave me no clear signs that she was interested.  My schedule got screwed up that day and I had to attend a phone hearing during our lunch.  I got distracted and forget about the hotel room.  I asked her if want she wanted to do after lunch, and she said nothing.  I went to the bank with her figuring that she did not want to go.  I always worry about what she wants to do, because I love her so much.  I am always concerned what she is thinking rather than doin what I want.  SHe wanted me to take charge of the situtation without having to ask her.  I went back to the office.  On the way back I started talking passionately about I basketball team I follow as they were scheduled to come into town.  She became jealous and wished that I could become more passionate about her.  In reality, I would give up Free final four tickets for her.  She is the most important thing in my life.  BUt once again I did all the wrong things and communicated to her that I was not interested.  Then this past Sunday, we had a nice weekend together.  I intiated sex becasue I was excited and in love with her.  I became distracted and could not finish.  SHe thought that I wither hated her and/or was disinterested in her and began to cry in the act.  Today, I was talking about a camping trip and said I wanted to get a cot.  I meant to say that We should get a cot.  BUt once again I cannot communicate well and said I should get a cot.  Well I she said I was only thinking of myself.  Our whole marriage was this way.  I have every intention of doin what is right, but my actions and words come out wrong leading to an argument in our marriage.  FOr many years I thought working hard and providing a roof over the family and a good lifestyle was a way to show her I loved her.  I did not realize that being there was far more important.

    I have read this forum for the past few weeks and realize that there are many women who are frustrated by their husbands.  They relate similar facts and situations to my wife.  Whether I realize it or not I am being lazy around the home, not spending enough time with family, saying inappropriate things, not showing enough affection, being distracted while we are together, no having enough sex, not having sex the right way, having too many fantasies, hyperfocusing on work, have a bad temper and forgetting to special things for birthdays anniversary and holidays.  I admit to all those things.  I do not do drugs and am the sole income earner.  I had a porn addiction for a while.  I stopped that. I have been the sole income earner for the family for 2 years and have always worked.    I do not have any friends anymore.  I have chosen to focus my entire life on my work, my wife and family. 

    However, my communication, distractability and laziness causes pain to my wife and family.  I have trouble communicating without frustration with my wife.  I have made her feel unwanted and unloved.  However, I try to please her in anyway I can.  I have come to the conclusion that all I do is cause pain in other peoples life.  Especially my wife.  I am kind hearted.  THe pain you all describe is that of my wife.  She cannot change to avoid my communication problems or the feelings of unwantedness.  SHe will not divorce me because of the affect she believes it will have on the kids.  But kids will heal.  I am too old to start anew and try with someone else.  I have given up my desires in life to be with my wife.  However, I still cause her pain.  I cannot live knowing that I am the cause of someone's feeling of pain, distress or unwantedness.  I also cannot live without her.  SHe, not being able to understand any of my actions or feelings for her should not live this way.  I am so depressed and frustrated.  I can only feel being done with life will be the only way she can be happy.  THat way she can blame the enite marriage on my insanity and of no fault of her own.  If she tries to rescue me from add and depression she will only hurt herself and the kids more.  I want to spare her the pain.  

    For all those that are out there, just know that there are husbands who try to love you, try to do the right thing, try to make your life better.  It just comes out wrong.  Either your able to live with that or not.  If you aren't move on.  Spare your partner the pain.  If can, understand where they are coming from.  Understand that they are trying to love you but can't love you the way you want to be loved.  Help them through.  DOn't get mad over the misguided or poorly communicated attempt at love.  Just accept it.  I am done causing others pain,  frustration. and drama.  Especially the woman who I love sooo much.  Good lcuk

  • Unreasonable, or is it me? by: Anonymous (not verified) 15 years 4 months ago

    My ADD husband and I separated at the end of April. I just couldn't take it any more after 10 years (half of which he hasn't worked). In December, I had learned he had been posting on sexual forums, even including his photo (face). I thought he would never cheat on me, but there it was. I was very specific about what I needed from him to stay in the marriage after that and, when the deadline rolled about and he had done none of the work, I had to ask him to leave. We haven't given up hope of reconciling, although I will say that I haven't seen much from his side in the way of action for improvement.

    Anyway, now he is staying with his parents and his 80 year old mother just had hip replacement surgery. His father, who is even older and who also is very ADD (though not diagnosed) can't do a lot to take care of her. She wakes up at 4am every morning--has for years, decades probably--but although she needs help (at least someone conscious in case she falls!), no one will get up that early for her. The ex says it is not reasonable to ask him to do that and his father, well, who know what he is thinking. Now, he (ex) does help out in many other ways, to be sure, but that point seriously concerns me. Am I crazy, or is getting up at 4am for a couple of weeks to help your mother not too much to ask of an unemployed person who is already living in the house? He literally said that she was getting up at 4 because she was too belligerent to change her sleep schedule before her surgery. I don't believe that--I think she's just overwhelmed with going from a self-sufficient woman to someone who has been through a really physically tough year, culminating in this surgery. IMO, who cares if she is being rational or fair--she's 80 and needs help and I'm disgusted that no one in his family will put themselves out for her in this, most of all him. 

    I tried to explain to him last night that his saying "It's not reasonable" and "I can't get up at 4" concerns me. I tried to do it gently and to talk about my feelings and not make him out to be a monster or anything remotely bad. I said that maybe she just needs someone to just be there for her, rational or not, like we all do sometimes. Very non-judgmental--just trying to get him to be compassionate for her needs. Didn't work.  He got angry.

    If we are to have any hope of reconciling, I need to know that he will be there for me. If he won't be there for his own mother when she really needs him because HE has decided that she is being unreasonable (judging her although he can't bear to be judged himself!), then, well, what about if I got sick and needed him? How am I supposed to believe that he won't judge whether I am being reasonable? I don't think that should even be a factor--if you love someone, you are supposed to be there for that person without judging whether or not what they are asking is reasonable, especially in the case of medical issues.

    Am I being unreasonable? I really don't know anymore... 

  • Substance Abuse and ADD by: Tweetiebird 15 years 4 months ago

    I am in a relationship with a partner who I have known for almost 20 years and recently (4 years ago) we decided to become romantically involved. We've been living together for a little over a year and it's been a difficult transition for both of us.

    We believe that he has been living with undiagnosed ADD since he was a teenager. As a result he isolated himself for the last 10 years only having minimal contact with freinds and family. About 5 years ago his best friend died of skin cancer at the age of 34. He was devastated and started to self medicate with alcohol and marijuana just to get through to the next day of stress and confusion.

    The abuse continued on until I came back into the picture. He hadn't addressed the loss of his best friend and continued to used alcohol and weed to quiet down after a day of work. Then he lost his job. As you can already tell, life's stressful circumstances seemed to continue to grow and he still unaware that he might have ADD continued on with the substance abuse.

    Flash forward to today and the ADD still hasn't been confirmed and he's been to see someone about the substance abuse but is hesitate to stop. I believe he thinks that alcohol and weed help him cope and he's afraid (I'm hoping not lazy!) to stop.

    He had made grand statements saying that he wanted us to get married. Gave me family heirlooms and jewellery to reassure me and thought that would be enough. I've given everything back until he understands what those things represent to me and if he can't understand I don't want them back.

    We are going tomorrow to get another referral from our GP for an ADD assessment with a local hospital. I'm hoping it will happen. He's avoided going to see anyone about it and claims that he isn't bothering anyone, that his neurotic and obsessive negative thinking, avoidance and anger is who he is and that I'm the one who is overly demanding. I can accept that for the first few months that I was overly controlling because I didn't really understand what was going on, that perhaps it was the adjustment period of living together. A year later and a couples therapist, little has changed and has in fact gotten worse. I've realize my part in making things worse and I've really tried to make a positive change for my own mental health. I've distanced myself from him when he is ranting. I've gotten back in touch with old friends and am trying to have a more separate life of my own. I don't need him to make me a happy person but his behaviour has impacted my ability to see things clearly sometimes. I've given him 6 months to figure this out, to get an assessment, treatment (and meds, if that is what is recommended) and sober up. I've also told him that it's not just the diagnosis it's also the ongoing treatment and care of his condition. He always jumps to saying he's going to figure it out because he doesn't want to lose me and then just lets things slide as time passes thinking that just by him saying he's going to do something is enough to make me happy. I've been waiting and waiting, I'm still not happy.

    I'm not very hopeful that he will be successful and see that there is a real possibility that I will have to move on. Living with ADD and substance abuse is intolerable. The ADD traits he does have become even more extreme and sometimes conversations are pointless as he claims he didn't have one with me. I don't drink unless it's a social occasion and even then I'm less likely to drink because of what I constantly see at home so I know I had these conversations! He is always trying to out smart me, or get me to be ok with things (like going out with his buddies) when responsibilities at home haven't been taken care of. I pretty much take care of everything, meals, bills, cleaning, appointments etc. He constantly complains that I do everything but then I let him take things on and they either don't get done and I am angry or it takes him forever to get around to things. For example the cleaning of the bathroom and kitchen garbage are his designated duties. On principal, I left the garbage to stink for 4 days until he figured out it started to smell bad in the kitchen, he heroically walked across the hallway and dumped the garbage down the compactor, this after a very grandiose speech about how he needs to help more around the house! I said nothing but almost burst out laughing at his announcement! I had originally thought if he was ok with doing these things and taking ownership of them he could successfully help with other things. Did I mention he gets overwhelmed easily? One chore takes the entire day! The cleaning of the bathroom becomes an epic all day event, with beer breaks in between rinses. It takes me a half hour with no breaks. If it's bathroom cleaning day for him we can't go to dinner or go see friends. It just takes everything he has to do one thing! I just go out myself, even if it is bathroom cleaning day. (These days don't come often enough! Even though I have had to clean in between!) Honestly, it's become a comedic episode of "what will he or won't he do today?"

    His family are at their wits end and there is some denial about his condition. They completely blank out when I mention ADD and oddly enough, I suspect his own father has undiagnoised ADHD. They play right into his moods and I suspect they have a big part in his previous isolation. When I came onto the scene, they were happy that someone else got to deal with his problems.

    I'm hoping that someone out there has a success story that will make me feel like there is a glimmer of hope in my situation as I love him dearly but I love myself more. As you can tell I try my best to keep my sense of humour about things but I'm waiting for the 6 months to be over so that I can either get on with living with ADD minus the substance abuse or living ADD free.

  • Non-ADD Spouse-how do you move past anger, resentment, regret of many bad years? by: aweekinparis 15 years 4 months ago
    Hi everyone-I'm new to the forum. I'm ordering some books and beginning to search for help/treatment after having to diagnose my husband myself (isn't that the way these relationships tend to go??? If it's going to be done, you've got to do it yourself???)

    I've spent 14 years arranging and paying for different professionals to treat his issues (depression, anger, sexual dysfunction, "laziness", detachment, complete emotional withdrawal, unemployment, apathy, severe procrastination, etc.) and not one ever suggested ADD. It took the now-famous recent Dr.Phil episode on adult ADD for me to realize precisely what was going on.

    My question is, once you've got a diagnosis and there is an explanation, how do you deal with all the regret/resentment of the (many) horrible, insane, sad, lonely, and ridiculously stressful years spent without diagnosis?? Living with this man has sucked every last ounce of life out of me, and I SO resent that for 14 years, I could have none of my needs met (and I fear that future years won't meet any of my relationship needs, either!) and that I didn't have the time, money, space, or energy to do or be what I want. My mental and physical health has been absolutely ravaged, and I've worked myself to the bone to keep things going financially. I feel so angry that 14 years of my life have been lost to this black hole of time, money, and energy.

    People may say "there must have been some good times" that I should focus on instead, but I can honestly say there were only times (briefly) that things weren't dire...a week where he actually made some money or didn't berate me constantly as the source of his every problem or bad feeling. Quite literally every day has been a frantic struggle to keep things from falling apart while simultaneously dealing with the negative, apathetic, detached, and angry ADD personality. No-not good times at all. I'm finding it hard not to be angry about all that lost time, and all the sad, lonely, and miserable days I spent wondering if the rest of my life would be that way (and what I had done to deserve it). How do I move past this? And how do I stop being responsible for absolutely everything, so that the next 14 years aren't the same hell?  I know that I have to stop doing everything for him, but what do I stop doing that won't also ruin my life/my kids' lives/our financial security, etc.? Is there honestly any hope of an ADD spouse being able to meet any of the relationship needs of a Non-ADD spouse, or is the future going to be about me getting rid of all expectations and accepting what is?  Is ANYONE out there working through this "post-diagnosis" confusion?   
  • A Light Bulb Moment by: vcalkins 15 years 4 months ago

    I'm reading "Living with ADD When You're Not the One Who Has It".   One statement hit me square between the eyes...."Some people with attention deficit disorder tend to seek stimulation in the form of conflict".  I know that there are just times when my husband has approached me to "pick a fight".....no reason.  Now I see that he was looking for a stimulus.  After many years of fighting back, I began to see that he just wanted to fight and tried my best to not take the bait.  That's hard because he knows all of my "hot buttons" and is a very good manipulator.  I guess he's learned that he can't draw me into a fight because he doesn't try this much any more.  Boy, I wish I had known this 30 years ago!!!  Maybe I could have found something else to relieve his boredom.  Those of you that are young....I hope you will learn what I've learned earlier than I did in your marriage. I would think it would decrease the frustration and anger if your spouse is like mine.

    In her introduction she says "These pages don't focus on taking care of your ADD spouse or making your relationship work.  They are about taking care of yourself."  Right now I'm reading two books that are about taking care of myself.  The other is "Alone in Marriage" by Susie Larson.  It's not about ADD but it's great.

  • Abrupt end to our relationship by: addpartner 15 years 4 months ago

    Background: Relationship for 2.5 yrs. Lots in common and we were together or else email and talking on the phone. We had a strong attraction to each other. We were eachothers support. He started his own green company that keeps him stressed literally 24/7. His job is his life. Diagnosed with ADD a year ago. Takes Ritalin. He has read books like Driven to Distraction, but unfortunately, during our relationship, we never discussed how this Diagnosis impacts us. He was relieved to get the diagnosis, but i don't think he thought he had to enlighten me on the subject and in hindsight, it would have helped a lot in relating and communicating to him. I am not sure he has taken the time to work thru his anger and what affects over the years ADD has caused him.

    What Happened: After a party, he contacted me to get together and I was upset that i had not heard from him all day. He then proceeded to come to my home in an angry rage saying "he is done", "can't do this anymore". I have never seen him so angry.This came as a complete surprise and shock to me. I was so confused as it didn't make any sense. He was like a brick wall and would not listen to anything I said to try and work it out. For the 2.5 yrs we have been together he was completely into me and wanted to spend his life with me and my 9 and 12 y.o. He wanted more than anything to be a part of my life. After he ended the relationship, he began seeing someone immediately and I know he was not eyeing her, she was just a relief for him and an uncomplicated escape from his work and relationship stresses. He only got together with her for 1 month and it is over.

    My Reaction: I pleaded with him to try and work things out, but it was like he wouldn't listen. H e was a brick wall and nothing I said could change his mind. I sent him letters saying how much I love him and want to make plans for our future. He just kept saying no "we have to move on" and go our separate ways. He said he did not want to see me for ten months as he thought I would "lure him back into my sexy web". Why was he trying so hard to get away? I sent him a dozen roses, he returned them to my door. I became angry and sent him many hurtful emails to get back at the pain he caused me.

    He ended the relationship at a hard time already in my life. I lost my job previous month. Enrolled in an intensive online course to improve my skills. And then he dumps on me. He seemed so stone cold.

    As a result of all of this, I lost over 20 lbs, couldn't eat, lost all motivation, I saw a psychologist (with no insurance), started on anti depressants. My mother needed to come and stay with me for a week. I have never cried so much in my life. Had trouble caring for my kids. I was a mess. I just could not understand this. He didn't make any sense, but he seems so adamant to stick to his guns and not be lured back.

    I racked my brain and finally, I realize that it was his ADD that ended our relationship. I sent him an email to this affect along with links to articles about ADD and relationships. I also said i cared deeply for him and I was willing to work on this together given his ADD and seek help together. No reply.


    Can anyone help me and tell me if this is typical add behavior in a relationship and do you think he will come back? Has anyone experience this abrupt ending that made no sense and seemed odd?  Is there anything I can do to salvage our 2.5 yrs together?

    What do you think the prognosis will be? Should I forget him. I have now read myself to death on ADD and relationships and it sounds hard and challenging also for the non-adder. Do I want that in my life? But he has a heart of gold and he is fun to be out with and I love him so much. This breakup surprised me as to how much I love him, I was a complete mess. I don't know how he would be to live with.

  • So sad and overwhelmed by: ezgeem 15 years 4 months ago

    I'm new here and going through the same issues many of you are currently or have previously.

    My husband and I have been married 5 years. The relationship was rocky and drama-filled from day 1. He was verbally abusive and at times physically threatening (he never hit me, but broke things). He cheated on me repeatedly. He used drugs and drank too much. He was addicted to pornography. He has been marginally employed or unemployed for the entire time we've been together, despite us being in dire financial straits at times.

    Many things have improved; The abuse has essentially ended. He has a tendency to say incredibly insensitive and hurtful things, but he's not generally abusive anymore. He has been faithful and stayed away from porn for a few years now. He no longer uses drugs and I am comfortable with the amount of alcohol he consumes. I know he has put in a lot of work and effort to make these changes.

    Our two main issues are all the lasting effects of his previous abusive and otherwise bad behaviour and the unemployment.

    His status diagnostically is a little up in the air. He was put on Cylert as a teenager but it does not appear he was ever officially given the diagnosis of ADD/ADHD. He went off the Cylert very quickly as he lost a significant amount of weight on it and wasn't really committed to treatment at that time. I only found out about this possible ADHD diagnosis recently; he never mentioned it before. It was a relief as prior to that information I thought he was a seriously personality-disordered, morally bereft jerk!

    Here are my current frustrations: With my encouragement, my husband went to our family doctor to begin the process of formal diagnosis and treatment. The family doctor agreed he certainly met diagnostic criteria for ADD/ADHD but stopped short of giving him a diagnosis. She gave him 3 options: 1) She could start him on a stimulant and see if it had effect; 2) She could refer him to the Adult ADHD clinic, bearing in mind that the waiting list is currently more than 1 year; or, 3) she could refer him to the clinic's social worker who could, in turn, refer to the practice's psychiatrist, who doesn't specialize in ADHD. My husband chose option 3, which I was originally fine with. Unfortunately, I don't know whether my husband didn't present the issues accurately to the social worker or if they wrote him off as behavioural, but after the social worker presented the case to the psychiatrist, the recommendation was that my husband didn't need to see the psychiatrist and should continue with psychotherapy with the social worker. I'm absolutely livid! My husband, as usual, doesn't see what the issue is. I'm glad that he feels the psychotherapy has been beneficial, but it's not a stimulant. I work in psychiatry; I know how difficult it can be to navigate the system. I'd love to go in there and tell them what my expectations are and get a real plan in place, but my husband doesn't seem to want me getting involved.

    On top of this, we have a 4-year-old daughter with major behavioural problems. We have a few diagnoses, specifically dyspraxia and sensory integration disorder. I suspect she also has ADHD. Her constant defiance and aggression is wearing me down. I love her with all of my being but, to be completely honest, most days I don't like her and that breaks my heart. What is particularly frustrating is how unpredictable she is; One minute she's being an absolute joy, the next she's escaping from the house and running onto the street or kicking her baby brother in the head without provocation.

    As well, last week I got a phone call from my sister (who is aware of the issues with my daughter but doesn't know anything that's been going on between me and my husband). She just got a diagnosis of adult ADD. She's been struggling for years and has had a variety of diagnoses. She is starting on a stiumlant but as she does have a history of psychosis (which she refuses to treat), I'm anxious about this. When she is not doing well, she tends to be very intrusive and demanding, and I just don't have anything to give right now.

    I have recently been working hard at creating more joy in my life. I had been miserable for years, feeling like I'm just dragging myself through life. The weight of responsibility has been huge. For the most part this has been successful; I've lost 25 pounds and I'm looking for a new job (I figure if I have to single-handedly support the family, it might as well be in a job I enjoy). But other days, like today, it feels like nothing is changing and I'm stuck.

     

  • AM I ADHD? by: DanSingh 15 years 4 months ago

    Hi Everybody (or whoever reads this!) My wife & I (bless her) have been married 47 years in Oct09. Now that's some distance you'll have to agree! For some time now, my long-suffering wife has contended that I suffer from ADHD and that I need to receive some sort of treatment. Now, I'm not averse to treatment ... in fact I may love it! But AM I REALLY suffering ADHD, or am I suffering from the trauma of being over 65 years of age (or at the time her comments started ... was I suffering the trauma of being over 45 years of age?)

    My wife was watching the Dr Phil Show and she saw the various interviews and expert opinions on ADHD sufferers and the marriage mates. In turn she mentioned them to me, and said 'there's help out there. All you have to do is visit the medico for referral to a specialist' Hence, these few comments I've penned. I wouldn't have the faintest idea that I have ADHD, but if I have, I would absolutely seek treatment to make life easier for the woman who's blessed my life.

    Sure, early in our marriage, I always had difficulty paying the bills. Not that I didn't have the money, but, what the h**l, they can wait for the money, can't they? Well after receiving the initial contact of recovery action by the home lender and other creditors, my wife was forced to take over the bill paying. I don't have a credit card, because I'm untrustworthy around money (that is, tend to spend it!) My hardworking wife has been paying the bills ever since. BUT ... I gave up smoking because it was taking food out the mouths of my children and preventing me from putting clothes on their backs! So there were some standards, eh?

    I still work full-time at a job I don't like and in which I find no joy. But as one our politicians so succintly stated, 'Life wasn't meant to be easy!' Very nice. So I get up early, go to work, put in 10hrs, come home, eat a meal, listen to the 'daily bulletin' from my spouse, work on the computer doing some research, my wife watches TV (mostly reality shows which I can't stand! But she does and that's important to me.) Then she 'toddles off' to bed. I have trouble sleeping, so go to bed at a later hour. We don't sleep in the same room as the snoring is quite disruptive. We haven't slept in the same room on a regular basis for at least 8 years or so.

    But my habits apparently drive my wife crazy. What are they? Well when we're leaving the house in the car, and we're about 200m down the road, I suddenly remember that I've left something important at home and have to go back to collect it. This happens regularly and it's driving my poor wife to distraction. There's also the fact that I contradict her or interrupt her, when she's talking. What's wrong with inserting a correction or an 'accuracy' into whatever she's stating. She contends that I can't stand it when she talks but that it's part of my 'problem.'

    My wife has been a fantastic partner all the time we've been together. She has extremely high standards of behaviour and social skills. And expects me to take on those same standards. It's all part of the moulding process I suppose. She doesn't keep account of the injury when we heatedly discuss matters (in fact neither of us do). Once we've both explosively said our piece, we move on. Life's too short, isn't it? Our marvellous children are a product of her mothering and nurturing and they too have high standards. We are both very, very proud of them. Our children came along when we were both very young - she was 18 years old and I was 20! So yes! 'Survival' is indeed our middle name!

    But at work I'm known as a bit of a joker and a loose cannon, but I DO NOT give my supervisors any angst. In fact I'm known as the reliable one, the one who doesn't mind taking on that little bit extra. I've been employed here for 20 years and have become something of a fixture.

    I'm sure there are a lot of other things I do which irritates my wife and which have her declaring to our children and closest of friends that I am probably suffering from ADHD.

    Nothing makes me really, really angry except crimes against women, crimes against children and crimes against the elderly! Oh yes! And when my wife contradicts me publicly or (in my opinion, right or wrong) puts me down publicly. But anyone would suffer that angst, wouldn't they?

    So please help out here. Am I suffering from ADHD? Do I need to be taking medication.

    Thank you for reading this far and i would appreciate your comments and suggestions

    Dan

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