I am 22 years old and although im not married to my boyfriend yet, we live together. He has adhd. I didn't know of his diease until after we started dating. He was 28 and I was 19 and i was until the impression that since he was older, he would be more mature. I slowly started to realize he was slightly inappropriate and a little mean at times. This behaviour only became increasingly worse. By the time i found out he has adhd i was already in love, and pain. I didn't know and still don't what to do at all. He sometimes calls me names then says later he doesnt remember doing it. When we first got together i told him how much i wanted a family. He told me he wanted me to. That soon changed into him saying I never said I wanted to have children with you other things such as that.

Another problem I have with him is his lack of understanding. I myself have MS, so I am not upset easily by mood swings and hurtful things but he is. I dont understand how he can get all upset when I tell him to leave me alone or stay away from me if he is screaming in my face. He begins to turn it around and tell me im berating him and I dont really love him. I do love him, i'm just not sure if i want to.

He also has this thing where he always wants people to say yes. Even when i disagree with him he wants me to say yes. I can't do that, that is not how i'm wired and it really makes me mad that he insists everyone say yes to him. I don't think he understands how not normal that is.

He says he wants to get married but I don't even know if i can believe him. I truly feel like he will never even begin to control this diesase...

Hi,

I have been reading this site for about a year I think and I want to thank all of you for sharing your insights and experiences. I honestly don't know what I would do without you. 

Two years ago my husband and I got married -- me for the second time, he for the third. We are both in our mid-50s. 

I noticed that in the months preceding the wedding he seemed more distant and unapproachable. When I was feeling emotionally healthy, which was most of the time, I attributed it to the stress of his job. When I was having "one of those days" prior to a wedding where rational and logical are elusive, I worried that he didn't really want to marry me. ADD never occurred to me.

After we were married, his ex-wife told me about the ADD diagnosis that he had been given several years prior to the time we met. She mentioned it in passing when we were discussing their daughter's ADD issues. 

Now my untreated ADD husband and I are at an impasse. Yesterday we had a fight. As usual, I was asking for more attention. As usual before I even got three sentences out of my mouth, he was yelling at me that he has told me over and over again that he is who he is and if I can't live with it, I should leave.

At this point I want to make sure, dear readers, that you understand that I truly don't believe that I ask for too much. I have taken to heart what I have read on this web site, and I am very careful to phrase my requests calmly, succinctly and most important -- rarely and when it is really important to me. However, that being said, I am human and therefore, susceptible to mistakes and occasional misperceptions so I am open to the possibility that I do it more often -- or perhaps in non-verbal ways -- than I realize.

Yesterday I read a post from an man with ADD who said, " ... I am introverted, do not communicate my feelings, walk away from confrontations ... " Without a doubt, that is how I would describe my husband. 

I, on the other hand, am an extrovert who likes social interaction. I could (not do!) talk about my feelings frequently, and do not (except when I am yelled at by my husband) walk away from confrontation. We couldn't be more different yet I know that behind the bluster is a kind, compassionate man who I love and who returns that love. I can see it in his eyes. 

He hyper focuses on whatever happens to catch his fancy, and I am not what catches his fancy any more. He can research topics for days and days or get involved in projects for days and days and if I make the mistake of interrupting him -- watch out. He gets impatient and testy and the interaction is generally unsatisfactory. 

He believes that if only I had strong passions about something that I wouldn't need his attention just as he doesn't need mine. I do have a number of passions but they are much longer lasting and nowhere near as intense. I still want a relationship when I'm feeling passionate about a topic! He thinks I'm bored. I am never bored. He also thinks I am codependent. Probably true. I often repress my needs to meet his and to prevent unkind outbursts of anger. He thinks that all I want is a playmate. I think some play is pleasurable and it's important to me. I think most people want a playmate/spouse sometimes. 

I forgot to mention that because I once made the remark that he pays more attention to his dogs than me (well not anymore because he is no longer hyper focusing on them) that he now doesn't pet his dogs as much and he is really angry that I made him feel guilty about petting his dogs. And that all his life people have been trying to change him and get him to do things that he didn't want to do and that he is not going to let that happen with me. That's when he said that I need to accept him as he is or leave.

By the way, he refuses to go to counseling because in the past when he did counseling, he reports that the therapists always made him feel like it was all his fault and he won't go through that again. And he doesn't believe the ADD diagnosis was correct anyway.

Sorry, this has gotten way longer than I anticipated so I'll just go straight to this issue about which I need feedback. I am thinking about suggesting to him that we live in two different houses. I could rent an apartment and he could continue to live in our house. Our house suits him, it's away from town and has no really close neighbors. Downtown suits me just fine. 

My thinking is that if he has his own space where he can focus all he wants without interruption, and if I am closer to town and can spend more of my time socializing and not expecting him to notice me because I'm not even in the house, then maybe we can manage to resolve this in a way that lets us both be ourselves -- two people who love each other but who need to live differently.

Has anyone tried that approach? Did it have a positive or negative outcome?   Any thoughts would be appreciated. 

Thanks.

I stumbled upon this website tonight as I sat here googling the same words over (ADD no sex mostly) and over trying to find a connection to someone or something that I could grab onto...my heart is heavy tonight and I'm at a loss at what to do. So far I'm overwhelmed with relief I've found these forums...you all are articulate, loving, and intelligent people and I'm grateful at how you've extended yourself to others. I hope I can be yet another lucky recipient of some words of inspiration, experience, and hope.

I met "Jacob" 9 mos ago.  We met under the pretense of landlord/tenant: he needed to rent a room out, I needed a place to live.  Within 2 weeks we knew we had met someone special.  I moved from a separate room to sharing his bed with him within a month, and in that time we had mindblowing sex...the best of my life. Let me quantify that: we had sex ONCE in that month.

9 mos later...wow. We're in love.  We want to spend the rest of our lives together.  There's a 12 yr age difference (I'm 36, he's 48..divorced with no kids...me no previous marriages or kids) and he has ADD. We've had sex maybe 5 times total. When we met, I was 80 lbs overweight and he told me as much as he knew it wasn't cool to say, that he had to be honest and say that me being skinny was the only thing that was going to turn him on to have that sex we had when we met.  (When I asked why the sex was so hot the first time while I was so much heavier, he gave what I now coin an ADD-ism "it was new/exciting...a distraction ...etc).Ladies...before you freak on my behalf...;)...at the time, I was more than willing to accept his point of view as acceptable...he was not unkind nor did he say it was an ultimatum. He's fallen for ME since his initial commentary on my bod, but we have agreed that being in love and not sexually attracted is a BIG PROBLEM...that we are in fact relegated to that of friends..or ironically, roommates as on the terms of how we initially met.  And at the time, I was on a medically supervised weight loss program that was very successful...I have lost over 100 lbs in a year, and have about 20 lbs to go. So I thought I'd feel like a hippocrit if I got angry for him saying what he really felt...I didn't like ME being fat, so how could I be mad that he didn't like it?) Jacob loves me because of my strength of commitment to myself in becoming healthy again (my weight gain primarily related to illness in years prior, but being 5'2" and pushing 270 lbs was unique...I had never been more than 30 lbs overweight my whole life) and seeing me succeed was a huge turn on for him.

Just not enough of a turn on. I've gotten close to breaking thru that last 20 for 5 months now, and I feel myself stopping short of going all the way.  My own insecurities and cross to bear of course...but I think a lot of it has to do with me knowing now something I didn't know then about his ADD: that whole "instant gratification" thing...that whole "needs something shiny (or in this case uber-sexy)" to get his attention...I realize now that after I get to that size 4 he's waiting for, nothing is going to change.  His inability to engage in sexual intimacy is a way bigger issue than how I look. And I think I've known that deep down all along.  If he's Really In Love, how can he be so repulsed by me? ("You're not repulsive, darling, you're ahhhh-dorable..." man if I hear that again I'll scream! ;)) I should also add at this point: we wake up in each other's arms every morning, and fall asleep in each other's arms each night. Kissing, hugging...particularly "cuddling"...he looooves this, can't get enough of my affection and returns this affection in kind.  But when it comes to sex...man it's a bummer. The few times we've had it, I've basically had to ask if it was okay. I have yet to feel paid attention to like that first time we were together. He disconnects. He calls it luxuriating (me doing all the work, me giving all the oral, me always on top..he just lays there). My attentiveness to pleasuring him is never reciprocated and he thinks he's off the hook because he doesn't demand any of it from me....I am ALWAYS the instigator because I'm deathly afraid that any opportunity I don't take to be physical with him...even if it's just a one way street...will be another brick in the wall between us and sexual intimacy.

Three weeks ago I asked if we could go see a therapist and he readily agreed.  He might be bipolar II...little ups and downs...nothing very dramatic in the high or low category...but his ADD utterly exhausts him.  So he cycles a bit between crazy levels of energy and matching eventual levels of lethargy/exhaustion. We were merely "interviewing" doctors when we found that we clicked with the first doc we met. Great...off to work.

In three sessions, it's been mostly background. And Jacob has a doozy of one.  A real madhouse childhood, a divorce that left him acting out with lots of sex with strangers which sadly resulted in herpes.  I KNOW he has a lot of shame and guilt attached with that, but he's had one outbreak since we met and I know he uses it as an excuse not to engage sexually even though I also KNOW that between his childhood, his failed marriage, his sex acting out, the herpes....he has a lot of issues.  I don't expect answers or solutions overnight.  But I'm a pretty bright girl and equally impatient for some GLIMMER of hope. I've wanted the doctor to look at us and hear us and say "I know what this is and what it means for you two"...we talk and talk and talk...Jacob so much so it's almost overwhelming...and I already feel like I'm losing my voice. When we first attending counseling, I asked if we should come as a couple or just Jacob on his own.  The doc said both of us for a while.  In 3 weeks, Jacob and the Doc have done all the talking with the exception of Doc asking me a couple times what I wanted out the therapy and out of our relationship.  I replied that in all my reading and based on what I knew about Jacob already, that I was afraid his reliance on the notion that ADD was the root of ALL his problems was limiting.  That I thought depression was really in the mix.  That I viewed his ADD as facets of his personality and that I preferred to treat the ADD as a gift rather than a curse because I love, thrive on, and complement his creative, high energy level more than not.  But that I thought even if depression was an aspect of ADD, that I wanted to treat them differently.  I want him to learn coping and time management skills for the ADD and how to be more 'present' in our relationship, but that I want the depression treated, even if that means meds.  That I knew meds are a tricky thing on their own, and that finding the right combination for any one individual takes time and usually is achieved through trial and error...a concept that terrifies Jacob. And that while we are a newer couple, we've both been around the block and realize what we have together could equate to a truly harmonious and loving life together..we both want kids, the whole 9. So I'm in for the longhaul....I am committed to spending my life with Jacob. But I wonder...is it ACTUALLY possible to get what I want and need too? He'd do anything for me...but I'm afraid his ADD prevents him from doing so.  Or always will.

After saying my 2 cents to the doctor, I was cutoff midsentence...I don't think he wants me in session but Jacob does...so I'm invited back again next week. The last 2 weeks have been all about his family. I get it....doc wants to fill in the picture. But since we started therapy, again, I feel like I have no voice when for months I've had one with Jacob...he's so loving and willing to talk about anything for hours on end...including my feelings...but is limited in his empathy because of the ADD.  He's listening and I'm not feeling heard.

I guess I'm just reaching out tonight to see if anyone can resonate with any of this, give me any kind of reassurance that I'm not wholly naive and that we stand a chance...there are good days and bad days for everyone...ADD or non ADD...and I thought starting therapy would give me that nudge of hope.  But I feel like my needs are at the bottom of everyone's list...doc included.  But he seems to be perfect for Jacob.

Anyone?

Thank you.

I have read a number of the posts regarding sexual desire and some related to erectile dysfunction related to those with ADD/ADHD. I, however, have a different sexual dysfunction- premature ejaculation. I am in my late twenties now, and the problem first showed itself when I was 22 or 23, but has been prevalent ever since. I have tried therapy, the stop start method, medicine (zoloft), other counseling with my wife, all to no avail. 

My question is, is this something others with ADD have experienced? My wife has been patient and kind, but I know she is frustrated (as am I) and we aren't having very much sex as a result. I am currently treating my ADD with Strattera, but it has not impacted my sexual problem.

Any help is appreciated.