Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • starring at other women by: Cristina 15 years 8 months ago

    I am not sure this has anything to do with adhd, but my husband keeps starring at other women when where are out together. This bothers me so much. When we were 19 he told me he stared at other girls all the time when he was alone, and that they didn´t need to be beautiful, the he would focus on the nice parts. Back then, I believed men and women were the same, and since I never do that, I thought this was wrong like cheating. I had made that statement in conversation, so later he told me about this because he was feeling dishonest with me. When he told me about this It hurt me a lot, I wanted to leave him, but I didn´t manage.

    He also told me he was always feeling sad, nervous, and bad about himself, and that he masturbated all the time to control his feelings. This time I just felt really sorry for him.  

    I married him when I was 23. From time to time I used to find hidden porn magazines somewhere in the house and for some reason it made me feel a little sad. I never noticed him looking at other women and totally forgot about this subject. We had a video camera and I once found a tape with zooming images of the babysitter´s bottom and boobies, and of bottom and boobies of people in the streets. I was very disappointed and sad, but did not really react to it. In fact I just gave him the tape back and only begged him to destroy it. He explained himself by saying "you know I have this woman problem".

    Again I never noticed him looking at other girls, but he always made male-like comments to me about how hot this or that girl was. That bothered me.

    In the last years, however, the I began noticing the starring, which got less and less discreet over time. With the coming of the internet, the porn magazines were replaced by pornsites, real girls dancing on youtube, real girls photo albums, etc. And that includes images of very young teenagers. Over the years, he became more and more compulsive until last year he was doing it all the time. Porn was all over our computer, and all over his computer at his office desk. The computer was so infected that porn would just pop up in the screen without anyone asking for it. He was so compulsive that he did it in our room during daylight, with me in the room getting ready for work and talking to him. He wished to be left alone in the house during the day, or nervously begged me to go to bed early for no apparent reason (I was sure he wanted to masturbate at porn on his own). When we laid together, but sex did not heppen imediately, he would get up and masturbate at porn, even though he had been doing it all day. He often stayed up all night doing it.  I felt so many different negative feelings when I used to check what he had been seeing (he did not even delete internet history!). This, combined with the starring, and the way he approached me for sex ( and that would be the only reason he ever approached me for) was making me feel very distressed. I was feeling disrespected, and felt I had become only a small detail in his sex life.. well.. compared  to his exciting masturbation sessions, I am really not so interesting. I did not like having sex with him anymore and stopped sex for months. 

    Now, after a year of therapy, and a lot of begging and crying from my part, he is not looking at porn or erotica in the internet anymore, although I am pretty sure he still sees it on TV (where I can´t track). At first the starring had stopped, and I noticed it was very hard for him not to stare at women when with me (I am sure he never quit it when not with me). But now I notice him quickly looking at girls and women, and that is enough for me to spend a whole day crying. That is pathetic of me, I know. 

    If I reason about it, I think it is ok for a man to look at other women, to look at images of women on the net, or to see erotica films. But I can help to feel really sad when he looks at a woman, even if I, myself, find the woman so pretty and feel like admiring her. I don´t know what´s wrong with me. I feel like a jealous freak. I feel I will always be unhappy. I imagine myself being 50 or 60, feeling my body ageing while catching him looking at teens, and feeling horrible, and thinking my whole life was miserable and ridiculous. Sometimes I think I am crazy and a totally unreasonable person. But then again, I think it is legitimate for me to think that if a woman´s beauty and youthfulness is what turns my husband on, what will happen with me in the future? I am 34 and will only get older. He once told me to go to the gym because he likes women with firm muscles. I actually am doing gym, because I want to be active and healthy. When I started gym he said to me that he couldn´t wait to see by body "getting better". Sometimes I think these worries are a good reason for a divorce, and get sadder about it. Then I think cannot leave with any man anymore, since people say all men look at porn and stare at women. That makes me even sadder. Sometimes feel like leaving him and becoming a lesbian...

    ...I guess I won´t write anymore because I am becoming ashamed of my stupid feelings. I wish I could relax and not care about this, because nowadays I am sure he loves me and is attracted to me and we are having great sex. Can a therapist make me not think about this and laugh about his starring habits?

     

     

     

        

     

      

     

     

  • Did I fall in love with her or the Adderall? by: MichaelJ 15 years 8 months ago

    My wife and I have been married for almost 4yrs and have two wonderful kids (yes, we moved quickly).  When I met her and we dated, granted it was for a fairly short time, she was on adderall (I didn't really know that at the time).  She told me she had ADHD, but I didn't really understand what that meant at the time and she was a ton of fun to be with, so I didn't really think much of it.  I assumed it just meant she had trouble focusing and remembering things sometimes, which I thought we could work through with no issues. 

    After we got married though, she stopped taking the adderall for various reasons and (though I didn't understand why at the time) it was like her personality changed and she was suddenly always mad about something or other and she was always getting after me about one thing or another.  Honestly, it started driving me crazy pretty quickly, and to top it off anytime I told her I was upset about it she responded that it was all my fault (which just confused and angered me).  She could never just be happy, and any little thing that was stressful or didn't go exactly as she wanted it too caused huge arguements because she acted like it was all my fault, and i'm stubborn enough that I won't just accept blame for things that I know I had nothing to do with. 

    After a while and a lot of reading it finally dawned on me what ADHD meant, and that it wasn't just her being angry all the time for no reason.  That helped me to understand a bit, but it doesn't really help you when the ADHD person is yelling at your over things that you KNOW aren't your fault and nothing you say can persuade her of that.  She's finally started taking adderall again, though these days it seems sometimes like our marriage is hanging by a thread, so I'm not sure if it's too-little too-late, or if I'm at fault for not being able to 'handle' her mood swings and anger.  Her doctor started her on 30mg for a month to see how she reacts, and when she takes it she's great for about half the day...then she starts getting angry and once again everything she's frustrated with is my fault and she takes it out on me. She also has bouts of severe depression and refuses to take the adderall because she swears it won't help, yet after I eventually talk her into taking it she is fine.

    I know I can be stubborn but I'm trying hard to accept blame when things are my fault (and even when it's not my fault if it avoids an arguement)... but the problem is that things AREN'T always my fault, even though she acts like they are.  I feel like the only way for me to save the marriage is for me to just give in all the time and let her call me names and say mean things without ever saying anything back....but that just makes me miserable and I'm not sure I can do that all the time.

    So.... I came here for advice, whether it's "you're wrong and you need to change" or "she needs to learn to control herself better".  At this point I'll take anything, I just need to know what other people in my position think. 

     

    Thanks,

    Mike

  • Gifted spouse and ADHD spouse by: HealingHands 15 years 8 months ago

    Hello, My marriage is in trouble with my spouse who has ADHD (who refused taking medication just because his lower muscle tightened up in which he does not like the feeling of it same time being paranoid about his heart issue). I wonder if me being gifted and his being ADHD are additional problem issue? We have a lot of communication problem even though we could talk as long as it is basic neutral subjects such as food shopping needs and activities with our children. We have one child who has been diagnosed having ADHD and is very bright while another child is diagnosed being "Gifted". I noticed that gifted child has a strained relationship with her father because of his reactions and rumination with senseless lectures that appeared brought up due to his ADHD. That is what it seems to me that Gifted and ADHD do not mix well?

  • How do you hold your ADHD Husband Responsible by: bellajovi 15 years 8 months ago

    As I wrote in another posting, our family physician told me that I need to hold my husband responsible for things. That he is not an in-valid and should take responsiblity for his action or lack of action. Exactly how do you do this? He is an adult not a child. I can't punish him if he doesn't do something that is his responsiblity or that he agreed to do.

    I understand that his brain does not function in the same manner as mine and issues such as how I would like to see things done and how they are actually completed is not what I am questioning. I understand he processes things differently. But shouldn't he be held responsible for contributing to the family in some manner. I'm not asking for him to do this the way I want them done I just want him to contribute and follow through.

    He doesn't work (on disability). I work FT plus do extra paid assignments at home in the evening on top of typcial house chores. Basically I am working from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep. The problem is that he doesn't contribute to the upkeep of the house or the daily chores. He even waits until I come home from work to ask what we are having for dinner. I've tried to have calm discussions with him regarding what he could do to help me. The wash, clean the dishes, maybe vaccum once a week, take the dog for a walk, etc.. but nothing every comes of it. I've even offered suggestions to him, like make a list of things that you want to accomplish each day and work on the top one until it is complete and then continue to the next one (Something his therapist suggested). I told him it was ok if he didn't finish the entire list but just that he worked on something.

    I guess I'm just wondering how many spouses struggle with the problem of the ADHD spouse not contributing or using the ADHD as an excuse to not contribute.

  • Leisure Time by: springerswimmer 15 years 8 months ago

    I previously posted this in the "Organization" forum w/o any responses, . . . So I am pasting it up here with hope I might get some of your thoughts on this real problem.  This really is about the lack of joy in my marriage with respect to leisure time,

     

    Thanks in advance!

    Springerswimmer


    Why is it so tough to figure out what to do with leisure time or, more-to-the-point, "non-work" time?  Certainly I am challenged at work (Organization, decision-making, and short-term memory are daily struggles) but the real issue for me (and my wife of 36 years) is what happens (or more accurately, what does not happen) during my week-ends and other days off, never mind vacations.   

    I have worked steadily for over 35 years as a licensed clinical social worker in the not-for-profit mental health field.  Ironically, my title is Performance Improvement Administrator!  Somehow I need to improve my own performance at home.  On most weekends or days off I will, if left to my own devices, sit around and listen to classical music / jazz; watch TV, search on e-bay for another something that I don't need to add to my collections (cameras, CDs, DVDs, watches, binoculars), and if I don't know what else to do . . . EAT!  I will actually have an internal monologue as I head for the kitchen, "well I don't know what else to do so . . . ." 

    I recognize that part of me is uptight about going out into a new and unfamiliar situation or environment.  I like routine and knowing what a place &/or experience will be before I get there.  Unlike some others here, I am not a thrill seeker.

    I truly often cannot decide what to do during leisure time.  I have trouble figuring out what I want to do. What I should do is easier, and even that I will avoid.  If my wife suggests or plans something involving me, I will frequently get annoyed that she did.  But that is a temptation for her, otherwise I will not likely initiate a plan (never mind think of one).

    I do take medication for depression and anxiety.  I tried Adderall for a few days but that raised my bp so I stopped at my doctor's recommendation.  

    Rather than go on and on . . .  Please give me some thoughts about my leisure time dilemma!  

    Thanks!

    Springerswimmer in NJ

     

  • No Diagnosis.... by: Dreamer 15 years 8 months ago

    My husband has not been diagnosed.  We have been struggling for years, I have walked away, and told him that he needs to figure things out for himself.

    He suggested that we go to counselling together.  He had an appointment with the counsellor before our meeting and she hinted that he could be ADHD.  He has since done a lot of online research, and has made an appointment with the family doctor.  He has taken the online surveys, and has self-diagnosed that he is ADD/ADHD.

    In my research, I stumbled onto this website, and found Melissa's blog.  It seemed like something coming directly from my own head.  I have felt like a single parent, like I am holding our marriage on our own, and I have reached burn-out.  Others have commented on his behaviour, but no one ever thought of it being this.  I have been with him for 16 years, and married for 10.  I am just so tired of doing it all alone.

    I have asked him to talk to the doctor, and start treatment, and then, maybe after some time, we could reconcile.  My concern, and I don't want to be mean, is that he may have read so much on the internet that he could convince the doctor that he is ADD/ADHD even if he isn't. 

     

  • Communicating with an ADD Husband by: dazedandconfused 15 years 8 months ago

    Well first, I'm new here. My husband was recently diagnosed with ADD and he actually sent me articles off of the blog. I was shocked when I read them because it was like they had come straight out of my head. While I am happy that my husband is taking things seriously, and is experimenting with some meds (per his doctor's recommendations), I am still struggling with dealing with him.

    Basically, we have been married a year and half (almost). While we were dating, I can only assume that he was hyperfocusing on me, because things were good. He always had a time management issue (which constantly caused problems at his job and with me), but I dealt with it the best I could. Two days before our wedding, he lost his job. Part of the reason was the fact that he had been consistently late, and this last time, he tried to cover it up, but got caught anyway. It was a major blow to him because he loved his job, and so I was very supportive at first. I tried to encourage him as he applied for other jobs, and was patient with the side jobs that he had to take to make ends meet. We actually lived apart for about 6 months before I was able to get a new job and we were able to move in together. That is where the trouble started, and its been down hill from there. I'm actually to the point that I'm seeing a counselor and am taking meds for depression because I could not cope with my husband anymore. The time management issues, the tuning out for our day-to-day life, the irresponsibility with finances; I'm about at my wits end. Its like I've been dealing with so long that I'm having trouble hanging on to see if he can get acclimated to the meds and some of the coping stradegies.

    I will be the first to admit that he is trying but one issue remains the "pink elephant" in our relationship--our finances. Its already stressful that I'm the major breadwinner, and he is barely bringing in half of what we need to survive. His credit rating has taken a nose dive because we didn't have the money to make his bills. Now he's haggling with two different banks over some accounts that are in default. He has made a payment plan with one bank, but apparently no one took the time to put that information into their system because we get letters and phone calls daily. That only adds to my stress. The other bank offered to cut his debt in half if he could pay by a specific time; he put half of the money into his account, but then got a call from a collection agency before his deadline was up. The money in the account disappeared, and no one seems to know what's going on. I'm about to pull my hair out! He won't let me take over these accounts (I manage the rest of our bills and expenses) and so I constantly stress because I know he's not getting where he needs to be. Its very important that these accounts get cleared up because he won't be able to get a job in his field unless his credit score goes up. Which means that money will continue to be tight, and cause more stress... Its a deadly cycle.

    How can I get through to him? He knows that I'm stressed and that I want to deal with his financial issues on my own, but he refuses to listen to me. He says that I need to chill out...but how can I when no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get us out of the financial mess that we're in?

  • ADHD and extreme religious beliefs by: jojosenora 15 years 8 months ago

    Has anybody had to deal with a spouse who has become more and more religious and now less tolerant of my beliefs to the point of considering me a non believer of God?  He keeps changing the rules of how he lives his life and expects me to follow.

  • Does anyone have problems with the ADDer thinking you have ADD when you don't by: Sueann 15 years 8 months ago

    My husband has ADD, we agree on that. And he's been willing to get treatment, and also marriage counseling. (Whether it's doing any good is anyone's guess)

    However, he's doing one thing I have't seen mentioned here. He's decided if he has ADD and depression I must have it too. The depression is just the frustration that all the non-ADD spouses on this forum feel. I was successful at school, and I'm very detail oriented. I finish books and cross-stitch projects, etc. So what makes him feel that I have ADD just because he does. Is it like a medical student who thinks s/he has every disease they read about in a medical textbook? What can I do to defend myself against this charge? Has anyone else had this problem?

  • rant: lousy excuse for ripping off one's future-maintaining powerlessness by: janne w 15 years 8 months ago

    rant: 'lousy excuse for ripping off one's future biochemically and characteristically can't have friendships/relationships for not starting with the get of diagnosed..

    i recently had to let go of a person who's life they wouldn't take charge of benefitting themselves-by getting upto resources of help-that for the best of all who could be touched by their participations into the world, (intentionally including me) made the covert decision to not take charge-getting upto resources of help to benefit themselves-a balanced of chemically and characteristically-harmoneous life-were they to from the start off of getting diagnosed. the person in question is with ADHD-by what i can see by a few patterns of behavior-for having learned about how ADHD can/does occur of symptoms from the dr amen book: change your brain-change your life-and read of some things at a couple of websites from there.

    i know in this world-in this society at large-one can do pretty much anything one wants-including
    the make of no moves at all-when it comes to taking charge of being psychologically healthy and safe
    to themselves and others, through the benefit of biochemically and characteristically getting in order-
    say-the manage of their ADHD down to? AD/diminished of D from the start off-of getting diagnosed..
    but!-can one go about society at large-without being accountable/responsible for their keep up of
    secret at not getting in order the manage of their ADHD/ADD-possibly occuring psychologically injurous
    to others?

    i do experience that most people in this site work hard on themselves to put themselves amongst society
    at large as responsible, accountable and committed to making life work out healthy, safe and interpersonally prosperous-for not only themselves-but for other people as well-but 1st-account/responsable themselves to..so i hope people who read this blog are honorable to my anger over how the one of us who is not getting in order and keeping secret-the unmanage of their ADHD/ADD-makes everyone who has ADHD/ADD managed or unmanaged-lumped all together-AS BAD/STUPID/CRAZY-you name it/whatever..

    what rights are there to exercise-if any- & can one stand up for-in helping to not fuel-i feel-a public
    nuisance-and accurately so named of the person-as was my intended well of (at one time friend)-who won't amongst society at large-get in order to help themselves-the manage of their ADHD/ADD?-so as to save all of us' face who are managing our ADHD/ADD (and me-with dyscalculia-which masquerades AD diminished of D)..to be taken as responsible accountable biochemically and with great work/help in progress-characteristically-careful, healthy and safely occuring with no secret of unmanaged ADHD/ADD people?

    i know that i can't change people...

    thanks for your responses-all are appreciated:)

    janne w

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