Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Vent: non-ADHDer exhausted being the valet for ADHD anxieties/needs by: Regina-Lucy 3 weeks 7 hours ago

    I am in a committed relationship with a neurodivergent partner with ADHD and as the female parent of neurodivergent children, I am an empath with OCD who feels overwhelmed by the constant need to hold space for others' anxieties. The weight of my family seeking emotional support during their panic attacks, including my mother, leaves me feeling exhausted and drained. I yearn for personal boundaries to be respected and for the responsibility of emotional caretaking to be shared more equally.

    The most triggering things I hear are:

    • I need you why are you not supporting me. I just need this.
    • Why are you so upset? It (insert ADHD/EF trait) isn't a big deal.
    • You need to figure out how to accept this.

    Sorry, I have not place to share this. I'm waiting for the winter/spring non-ADHD groups to be opened. 

    Thanks for letting me release this.

    Delete if it's inappropriate.

     

  • Had a Breakthrough by: J 3 weeks 17 hours ago

    This won't be a long post. I finally dug down deep enough to find what's been truly affecting me ( the most ). It is, the underlying cause for the RSD I've been experiencing.

    "Taking away sex from a man can make him feel a range of emotions including unwanted, rejected, unloved, frustrated, resentful, and insecure; essentially, a lack of physical intimacy can significantly impact a man's self-esteem and emotional well-being, especially if it's a consistent pattern within a relationship.  

    Key points to consider:  

    Emotional connection:

    For many men, sex is a way to connect deeply with their partner, so denying it can lead to feelings of disconnection and emotional distance.  

    Impact on self-worth:

    Being rejected sexually can make a man feel unattractive or inadequate, impacting his self-esteem.  

    Resentment buildup:

    If sexual withholding becomes a recurring pattern, it can lead to resentment and frustration within the relationship.  

    Important to remember:  

    Individual differences:

    Every man experiences emotions differently, and the impact of sexual deprivation can vary based on individual personality and relationship dynamics."

    For this man, my personality, the importance that sex plays in relationships to all these things...sex is huge and of utmost importance to me.

    This issue, and the relationship it has with RSD and feeling rejected, amplifies all the little everyday  rejections and makes them even bigger.

    In other words, and I truly believe this about myself....

    If I am getting regular sex or at least,  a modicum or bare minimum, all the little everyday rejections or rejection in general is not that big a problem. I can deal with those and let those go without that much of an issue. More like "ouch" and forget about it right away....they really don't affect me much.

    But, with this one, HUGE, BIG DEAL of a rejection...all those other little, non important rejections, now become a big deal and are too much to handle. I get overwhelmed and allow that anger to spill over at times, which is not fair to her.

    I thought I had processed this to the point of accepting that no sex wasn't going to be a deal breaker. I still hold to that decision as I feel that my relationship with my SO and all the things that come with it, are more important to me than sex. She, in other words, is more important to me than sex. But I was wrong, I'm not done processing this as this is a much bigger deal than I had initially realized.

    I've got more work to do. And I'm going to need help to get me through this as my SO, is not the person to do this with.

    That's it. It's all about sex for me.

  • Wellbutrin not keeping depression at bay by: J 3 weeks 2 days ago

    Just a quick post about treatment. The Wellbutrin I'm on ( 150mg ) was working but now, seems to be losing effectiveness. Going down the depression checklist, I have ALL the symptoms except for suicidal thoughts. Never had those so that's not a concern anyway. I tried upping my dose but that just caused side effects of irritability and insomnia which only makes things worse. I normally don't suffer from insomnia so that's an easy symptom to spot.  Going back to work today after vacations and I don't feel much better than when I started. Possibly even worse without the stress from work involved. Another clue.

    What keyed me in were the feelings of hopelessness. That's when I went to the depression checklist and realized this is now a problems. I have an appointment with my doctor next week and going to request a psychiatrist evaluation to see what they recommend.  Maybe a combination of Zoloft and Wellbutrin since Zoloft ( despite some annoying side effects ) has worked well in the past.

    Anyway, depression is a sneaky thing, it can creep up on you if you aren't paying attention to it.

    J

  • RSD, What is it? by: J 3 weeks 3 days ago

    "Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is a condition that causes people to experience extreme emotional pain when they feel rejected, criticized, or fail. It's characterized by exaggerated reactions to rejection, such as:  

    Having negative self-talk  

    Having difficulty managing reactions  

    Having a constant need for validation  

    Adopting perfectionistic tendencies  

    Feeling embarrassed or self-conscious  

    Having low self-esteem and self-doubt  

    Having sudden outbursts of emotions like anger, tears, and sadness  

    RSD is often found in neurodivergent individuals, such as those with ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. Some experts suspect that RSD is caused by differences in brain structure that make it difficult to regulate rejection-related emotions."

    Here's where I disagree with the (some )experts. I may not be an expert, but I know what I know. And what I know, as the cause, at the source is: the sense of disconnect and not belonging. Belongingness...at the source.

    "Belongingness is the human emotional need to be an accepted member of a group. Whether it is family, friends, co-workers, a religion, or something else, some people tend to have an 'inherent' desire to belong and be an important part of something greater than themselves. This implies a relationship that is greater than simple acquaintance or familiarity."

    This is the vital need. This is the "thing", or lack of, that causes RSD, not a difference in brain structure. 

    I'm standing on that. I now see the pathway to reach my SO, despite her own self sabotaging ways that are preventing this from happening. Me too, for that matter. It's what I ultimately want and need from being with her. It's these insecure attachments and defenses standing in the way. Being accepted ( not inspite of ) but simply, for no other reason than "just because".  

     

  • burnout or need a timeout? by: Off the roller ... 3 weeks 3 days ago

    Trigger warning: I'm in a lot of pain and seething in anger. I'm looking for a vent and hopefully if someone can share their experience and I can feel less alone. That's all - this is not an attack on all ADHDers or even just one (like my spouse) but I am really done with what ADHD symptoms have done to my life in all its many shapes and forms. 

    .... guys, I'm struggling. Big time. I'm so angry, resentful and all sorts of fired up emotions that I couldn't tell you what is what at the time. I look at my spouse and I'm angry and rightfully worried that I've crossed into contempt and resentment in levels that I dont' know even if I could begin to explain to him, he listens and works on it, could even HE come back from. I've done too much and pushed myself too far and and trying to claw my way back (by setting boundaries or something) but it just doesn't seem to be helping. I feel like I'm treading water and my spouse is throwing stones at me, but I have so much water in my mouth I can't tell him to stop.  I'm running a marathon and he's slamming me with steel chairs but it's in the face so I can't communicate that hitting me with a steel chair isn't helping my marathon running time that is important to me. 

    I've rendered myself voiceless and I have no idea how to even start to talk, scream, cry, shout - anything to get my voice back. 

    I don't think my spouse ever intended to cause this much hurt and harm, but my god, I really don't like him at all. I want him to go away - I don't care where, but just go. It feels like having some quiet from him and his s**t is the literal only thing that will help me - despite me having therapy booked for tomorrow. I'm exhasted from this, I've dropped so many plates (responsibilities) and things that had to be dropped, prayed that the plate was rubber and that I could pick it back up. But he picks up NOTHING. He does NOTHING. I'm tired of asking and I'm tired of hearing 'could you just do me this favour??', 'could you just do me this solid?..." EVERY DAY but when I ask - it's a No. Flat out. No. How the hell do we non-ADHDers (or over functioning for some of us) even being to use the word NO? I really mean this. I have NO IDEA how to use the word No because I don't believe my using the word NO is taken seriously. It hasn't before, why would now be any different? 

    I'm relatively healthy and look after myself, but I've got this belly that I'd like to blame on late night snacking but if I'm perfectly honest, it's a stress belly. Becauwse of what I'm dealing with and how much I'm doing that is too much for me. My body is asking for me to stop, say No, rest, etc. But what about when you don't even want to be asked to help your spouse? Your spouses actions on the daily are an actual trigger in your heart EVERY DAY???? Your spouses words are a trigger every day??? What do I even DO with that information that I know? What can I do?!?!?! It rests on the fact that my emotions and well being are based off of someone else doing something - which I know in my brain doesn't work, but by god... my heart feels like if he would just: [insert action here] things would be better. 

    I can't tell if I'm about to have a breakdown, I've already had one and this is the outcome, or if I need a timeout or what. Or if I need to send my spouse on a time out or break or something. I literally have no idea. I hate what ADHD has done to me - and I don't think I even have it. ANd I'm frustrated that my spouse is not doing his part in all this. That's the crux of it. I'm angry, hurt and resetful because I dont' believe my spouse is pulling his own weight in this relationship/marriage. It's been like this for 4 years. I've had enough. But I don't know what to do with this information except what I'd LIKE to do is blow up at him and tell him so many mean things that I know will absolutely crush him... because then I would feel better that he has an OUNCE of feeling the pain that he has caused me with his lack of.  But inside, I'm a good person and I know I couldn't do that to him because I wouuld regret that terribly. 

    When he speaks, I think he sounds ridiculous. I don't know him anymore and I don't understand him. I don't understand where he comes from or what his reasoning is behind something. i don't trust him. I dont' feel safe with him emotionally. And to be fully honest, I'm not sure I want to work on any of those things. I just want him to go away for a while OR him to step up and start the conversation again about our marriage. I'm tired of this being on me, day in and day out. Every effing day. The responsibilities and weight of all it has just crushed my shoulders. 

    I don't know even where to beging to address this. I don't know how to address this. I'm in therapy -0 an awesome therapist and I'm TIRED of spending my money talking about my spouse and his impact on me in my safe space. His unmanaged ADHD, anxiety and depression TAKES UP SO MUCH SPACE and it has upset me and angered me to my own health detriment - how to I even begin to take back space? 

    Do I need a break from him? The relationship? I have no idea. We haven't even gone to couselling.  

  • Distraction looking like arrogance by: Swedish coast 3 weeks 6 days ago

    This is something I wonder about. Doesn't an often distracted person somehow need to be extra affirmative of others? At work I'm constantly approached by coworkers and have to produce decisions for them in the middle of doing something else. I feel since I act confused and indecisive when my thoughts are interrupted, make mistakes and then change my mind that I need to be extra kind to the people who put up with it. 

    ADHD people close to me are naturally even more distracted. I find I quickly lose patience with them since they don't really try to compensate for it.

    Does anybody else feel it's hard to distinguish between ADHD distraction and arrogance? There's a fine line there, and most of the time I'm not sure what I'm seeing. Sadly this disrupts several close connections for me. Possibly because decades of ADD marriage have made me extra irritable to self-centered and entitled behavior. But I remember being angry with some of these people even as a child for their unawareness.

    I wish I could see the difference better and also have more compassion for ADHD behavior in my loved ones. But I suck at it at this point.

    Meanwhile, these relationships grow quite cold. Despite everyone involved wishing it were different. It's sad, but I don't know what to do about it. It's also mostly up to me to initiate any change, as usual. And we need each other.

  • Go Right to the Source... by: J 1 month 12 hours ago

    and ask the horse.....

    We had an incident happen the other day that really broke things open ( again ). This time, I was totally winging it and probably did a whole bunch of things wrong. The end result however,  was creating an open conversation and dialogue about multiple topic including: sex ( or lack of ), belittling and crticizing, control issues, backseat driving, and creating a couple of hand signals and cue words all at one time.

    There was heated discussion, crying, "I want to be left alone", and talking ( instead of fighting ) while I was angry.....in the midst of a whole lot of defenses happening ( on both sides ) ...and basically coming out better than we started. Words for me like "you're too intense sometimes" ( my energy ) and few things I needed to hear were also really valuable to me in order to do things about it on my end.

    I was able to introduce the 4 attachment styles when she said : "maybe we aren't compatible " . I couldn't stand it any longer...I had to show her how we aren't instead of her fumbling around for a reason when I actually know why. Again, that was me just winging it in the moment out of frustration.  I won't go into all the details only to say...I had copied , 4 statements to choose from ...each describing the 4 main attachment styles. I showed her mine, and told her to pick the or two that best described her.

    She picked the "fearful avoidant" one...and possibly "dismissive avoidant" . I actually now very much believe, the fearful avoidant style fits her best. I very sure of that now...more than the dismissive. And me....being the anxious preoccupied of course with my avoidant tendencies.

    This is only to say, this tells me where we have things in common and places I can relate to, and the places we don't line up and I need to be respectful of her boundaries. 

    And this entire episode  started with something I realize is a boundary for me. That involved another form of disrespect which involves belittling and criticizing. It's what I confronted her on in the first place. Not the "thing " that started it but the belittling itself.  She's wasn't happy about it ( the crying ) but after I left her alone for a while and came back... and we started talking about it which opened up the conversation and it went from there.

    The thing is, she may not have been happy at first with me calling her out on it,  but neither was I about the belittling. Something had to give. 

     

     

  • In the void of the comorbidity by: Off the roller ... 1 month 15 hours ago

    Been quiet on here lately as I have found myself in the void. That void of not wanting to 'rock the boat' by bringing up issues and trying to solve them... but knowing deep down that I'm living in a way that I don't want to. Today was a bad day for my spouse - mentally. He's been through a lot in the last 6 weeks but I'm finding it increasingly more frustrating as we get back to old patterns because he's not willing to snap out of it and start to look at what he's doing, how he's processing and how things (like his ADHD and depression and anxiety) are showing up and affecting not only him, but the rest of us that live in this house. 

    And I'm finding myself in a state of weird calm. As the Non in this, it's like my list of To-Dos and responsibilities has not only NOT changed at all, some days its 10x more and other days it's still relentless because I can rely/expect/hope/ask/beg/plead/fight/cry for NOTHING from his end. Even today, I asked for something very simple and he just couldn't do it. And I really needed it done. I needed to be able to give him something - anything - that he could do to help out and do his part because I'm already doing so much! And he couldn't do it, not because of a medical condition, but because his brain just wouldn't let him. It's just so frustrating. And I KNOW I don't want to live like this. But I have NO IDEA how to even go about starting to get it to change. 

    And I've been doing and continue to do the work on myself - and I know that whatever happens on the 'other side': I'll be fine. I'll survive and thrive like I have always done. But at this point, I kinda just want to be on the other side now and it feels relentless and on my shoulders to even get us to the other side. I'm tired of dragging him along. Even when its willingly. How do I even start to change this?? 

    And I guess that's where my question comes in: lately, I've been feeling like I'm floating in a void. Just an empty void. And I'm making plans for myself and my son, we are going about life. But I feel like there's so much more to life than this. Just this ignoring, quiet, shushing existance. I want more and deserve more. But I have no idea how to take those steps to more. Bu I know I want it - maybe not enough at this point? 

    I've found my spouses mix of the ADHD-anxiety-depression (that's the big one in this case) & dyslexia is this continous storm that just keeps moving along, .like a twister but never leaving. It's always there. I've learned to move and live around it and in it and with it. 

    I dunno. Just some thoughts and wasn't sure if others have felt the same and how did you come out of it? 

  • Suppressed Anger From the Past by: J 1 month 3 days ago

    I had something happen the other night that really broke things open for me. It allowed me to address some hidden anger I've been carrying around with me for quite some time. I thought this might be interesting to share as well.

    It started not long ago with some dreams I was having about my ex-wife of 17 years ago. I normally don't dream of her much so this might be relevant. In this particular dream ( the last one ) I caught her having sex with someone else who remained a shadowy figure in the dream. I woke myself up actually swearing at her in the worst kind of profanity you could image.  It was so vivid, I felt like it had just happened.  I was incredibly angry. I tried to go back to sleep after a while...and it happened again! Same dream !  Now I was wide awake and couldn't go back to sleep. My SO finally woke up with me figiting around and asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't want to talk about it right them.

    I was really upset, and really REALLY angry! And feeling very hurt.

    I laid awake most the night thinking about this trying to figure it out....and I think I did.

    Without the backstory...my ex was having an affair. Actually, more than one. I even suspected her secretly doing some swinging with friends of hers she worked with. They were into that thing. I never caught her, but all the signs were there. My therapist at the time ( hers too ) was subtly trying to tell me by making suggestions that I might try swinging. I told him so, I wasn't interested. He later told me that I was naive.  It didn't occur to me intol later...that this WAS what was going on. I'm sure of it now.

    Anyway. I don't ever remember being angry even once. It was all like a bad dream. And then this actual dream really happened.

    In the morning, my SO asked me what that was all about and I told her. She asked if that had anything to do with her and I said, not directly, but going without sex for as long as we have feels a lot like I did back then when my ex stopped having sex with me ( very little ). My ex even said once that our sex was " no fun ". I told my SO that our lack of sex situation does really get to me sometimes.

    I also asked her directly if she would please tell me before that ever happened. ( knowing she had been unfaithful twice before ). My SO then took the time to go over what she had told me before and reassured my that would never happen again. Her husband at the time had completely abandoned her in the marriage and they hadn't had sex in almost 15 years. She was done, as she explained, especially after her ex refused to go to therapy. She was starved for affection and was ready to divorce him anyway and had mentally left the marriage. She also reassured me that nothing like this was even close to what was going on. She repeated what she said before: she's over 60, her hormones have changed and she's on a pretty heavy duty antidepressants/ anxiety med that killed what little libido she has left. She has no libido as in none. Which means she's never in the mood, sex doesn't even sound good to her most of the time.  Thinking about this a little more, I wonder if it's like any other appetite of hunger you experience? Like when your really full after a meal and food just sounds aweful in that moment? I can hardly remember not ( ever ) not having a strong sexual appetite so this may be a foreign concept to me? Thinking in part....I can't really relate even when I was with someone I didn't want to have sex with but....still had a raging sexual appetite anyway? Could be.

    But more importantly at this time...this dream did reawaken my hidden anger. One I had suppressed for many years. It was like....my brain, created a scenario, where I caught her "in the act" so I could let go of all that anger I had been carrying around for all these years.

    My SO also said....since she knew I had been cheated on in the past, she wouldn't ever do that to me. It was very sincere which also made me feel better. 

    And I'm sure, without a  doubt, some of that suppressed anger was getting projected on her as well. As these things tend to do. 

    J

     

  • Trust has gone by: Recently Diagno... 1 month 6 days ago

    I'm the one with ADHD - it's our 15th wedding anniversary tomorrow (18 yrs together), and at the end of July he started acting out of character (right after he went to visit family and then friends in his old town).
    Since then, he has been secretive etc and then disappeared off to his Mum's on his days off- this was when I suspected he was cheating so asked him outright if he would be seeing a certain "friend" - he lied, said no and went to his "mum's". The following morning at 4:45am he got two missed calls to his mobile (which is connected to our Alexa) from his "friend". He got home and I questioned him about why she had called - he made out that he didn't know she had and I told him how I knew! He admitted he'd stayed there and said they'd only kissed - then said it's all my fault because I am (extremely) untidy and don't "put out" more than once a week! I asked what happens now and he said "probably divorce"? She'd called his phone as he'd lost it somewhere in her house and they were trying to find it.

    Next day he wanted to draw a line under it but I cannot trust him as he is still texting her (and then deleting the messages - yes I'm a bad wife and I checked)!

    I cannot afford to leave or pay him off and for the sake of our son (who is already upset by the tension), I want to keep the peace. But after more than a decade of being belittled and gaslighted by him, I had already given up hence the chaos and lack of enthusiasm for intimacy.

    I found the audiobook that accompanies this blog and we have both started listening to it (separately). He said "it is very interesting but you can't use it as an excuse"!!

    I came to the relationship with everything - House, money, furniture and now it seems that I will leave with nothing but our child and dog (son has already told me he "has lost all respect for Dad and when he leaves we must keep the dog". Our child turned twelve four days before hubby cheated (and six days after starting high school). 
     

    I am so angry but have to fake being enthusiastic for our son's sake and for everyone else. I've told my boss and a couple of friends but not family or anyone else.

    They ALL agree that there will have been more than "just kissing" and I'm not naive enough to believe him. I just don't see how we can move forward from this - I've had inklings before which funnily enough is when I started losing interest and when menopause kicked in early which exacerbated what we now know to be ADHD.

     

    Sorry for my long winded rant, I just needed to get it out there!

     

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