Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Social energy by: Swedish coast 3 months 2 weeks ago

    After divorce ten months ago I've had several friends come visit. Mostly one good friend at a time, but also small family gatherings, and the occasional friend's family with children. 

    It's been enjoyable, and I've mostly managed it. But socializing now knocks me out instead of filling me up. I don't want to admit it, but it's a fact. And the children, who aren't used to company after all the years of their father's depression and anxiety, are socially withdrawn which means I must work harder and sometimes feel awkward and overwhelmed. 

    Hosting a bigger event is way out of reach. I don't belong to any group of people anymore, have no social habits in common, no choice of games or music. Even family gatherings have tapered out to nothing, especially since the pandemic. And naturally because I have no contact with the former extended family in law.

    This weekend I declined an invitation to an outdoor event with several people because I couldn't bear taking the children, feeling responsible for making everything work for everybody. I was so tired, just slept instead.

    I don't remember how to have fun at parties. I only know how to take responsibility. Drinking a little and relaxing is a remote memory. Dancing is unthinkable. Imagine I used to love big parties and socialized many nights a week. Imagine I used to be fun.

    Has anybody else had their social life dismembered by their ADHD marriage? How did you regain your social energy? When did you start to feel like yourselves? 

  • Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child? by: honestly 3 months 2 weeks ago

    This is something that has been on my mind ever since reading Melissa's book. Whilst my OH has an extreme case of inattentive ADHD, with some hyperactive traits, and we have profound problems in our relationship, I can't see the dynamic between us as parent/child. He has always been the more assertive, insistent one; if I ever questioned or suggested how things might be done he just told me he was right and I (I am very trusting, very credulous, very insecure) tended to believe him. Even things like hanging out with his ex, or me having to do all the driving, or cleaning, or me being left to cope alone with work and a small baby while he went away on expensive business trips that never led to anything: his attitude was right and I was wrong and I pulled apart my psyche to accept that not only was I exhausted and depressed and lonely, I was wrong to be all those things. I should be fine; I should be happy. It was quite right that we spent every summer holiday with this woman who made my skin crawl, quite right that I did the driving since we only ever went places I wanted to go (his parents' house? I don't think so!), and quite right that he had all this time away from home, staying in hotels and coming home with no new work but expensive treats for himself, since other husbands of our acquaintance did this (they, however, were primary breadwinners; I was the sole breadwinner at the time and I was at home with the kids).

    Now I'll readily accept that I am not a normal person - whatever that is - I was brought up with a narcissistic parent and that has profound effects. I have had a couple of ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) that make me even more likely to accept bad situations and blame and shame. I have a powerful ability to believe myself to be in the wrong. But even then, I do not see that I have been critical and parented this man. I, rather than him, have been targeted as the faulty one in this marriage. Rather than Parent/Child I see it now more as a Cult Leader / Follower dynamic, or a Crazy Dictator / Subject dynamic. Things go wrong between us when I step out of that enabling and adoring role, when I ask a question, or state a preference that does not concur with his. From his POV all the problems are of my causing; all I needed to do was what he wanted and everything would be right. Even when he got his ADHD diagnosis the 'problem' was not the ADHD; the problem was my own particular personality, which meant I was uniquely incapable of dealing with his ADHD. And there is always this hinterland of faults and problems he has with me, that he will say is there, but will not talk specifically about any of the issues he has because he's just 'not that kind of person.' So I am to understand that there is this catalogue of bad karma just hanging there, proof of my guilt and badness, but he's too big a soul to tell me how I have transgressed.

    Day to day behaviour makes it clear he considers me a lesser person than him in almost every possible way, even though, if i was feeling strong enough, I could point to clear evidence to the contrary (eg I have a PhD and am a recognised expert in my field; he is always ready to  tell me I'm wrong about things I have extensive professional understanding of, and about which he has no direct experience). I am in no way a parent to him.

    Writing this has made me more clear on the probability that he is also a narcissist. So maybe what I'm dealing with is that. One condition blurs into another. 

    But I guess I want to know if anyone else has similar or 'other' dynamics. Is there a messier, more complicated picture out there, possibly because of the fact that conditions like this tend to cluster, than just the binary of Parent/Child? 

  • Help me understand as the non-ADHD spouse by: soloequestrian 3 months 2 weeks ago

    My husband left just over a year ago and I haven't known why.  I've finally stumbled upon the ADHD in marriage information and it tells our story, except that he was the one who left.  He is terrified of feeling trapped and controlled and at the moment is utterly disinterested in looking at reconcilation.  We have met up a couple of times recently and have talked for several hours, from my point of view getting on very well and having quite a nice time despite the weird situation.  Logically he seems to recognise that I haven't been a horrible controlling harpy but emotionally he is scared, shut down and still in the 'child' role of the parent/child relationship.  I want to suggest that we explore the idea of being friends and maybe do some fun stuff together so I can become associated with nice things (and dopamine) rather than just being the boring one who looks after the finances.  Any suggestions about how to go about makint this suggestion in an ADHD friendly way?  I'm really struggling to put myself in his shoes to see what sort of thing might work. 

  • I want to talk about the hard stuff but just…can’t by: mike1112014 3 months 2 weeks ago

    Guess I wrote all that in the summary sorry

  • the inconsideration...my lord by: Off the roller ... 3 months 2 weeks ago

    Guys, I'm struggling...really struggling....at this exact moment it's down to the fact that I feel like me - any part, my thoughts, my feelings, my needs, my wants, ANY of it - are not considered AT ALL or at any point by my ADHD husband. It's infuriating and frustrating, but more importantly. It HURTS SO BAD. So badly. Like, it hurts me so much and is so painful that all I can figure out is relief will only come if I leave him. Genuinely. I don't cry much anymore about my situation, but at this point, I just feel numb and pain and hurt and rejection. And I cried today, just now. A LOT. 

    And I think it's because I have a boss that I work for that has the same traits as my spouse, I work from home remotely and it feels like this means I can never escape this hurt or pain. Like this is what it's going to be for the rest of my life (it won't be, I'll make sure of it but right now, it feels like it). 

    So my marriage is extremely rocky, my husband is home at the moment (without diving into details, there is no change of him leaving the home just of yet due to medical issues) so my biggest relationship is here at home and I also WORK in my home with someone online who I also struggle with communication and feeling like I'm actually considered and not steam rolled over. And before medical issues took place in my house, I was realising this and made plans to start working away from home, but now, that's not possible for the immeidate next 3 weeks. 

    But like... yall, what do the rest of you do about this? How do I even start to sit in it or process it or anything?? I don't even know how to communicate this to my husband because most things when I speak to him, I get cut off, talked over, dismissed, denied or deflected. Every. Day. 

    People have their breaking point and I am wondering if I've reached mine. 

  • Target Symptom by: J 3 months 2 weeks ago

    I watched a video once on ADHD, where it said:" ADHD is NOT a deficit of attention. What it IS, is an inability to redirect attention from one thing to another "

    I wholeheartedly agree. This is exactly what it feels like is happening inside me and part of what's happening between my SO and I.

    Yes, yes....my SO has ADHD too , but in an effort to do everything I can on my end, making sure she can get my attention is top on the list.

    Even this morning she said that I'm addicted to my phone. That's not it. It part of my ADHD symptom of not being able to redirect my attention and being on it too long. Especially when I plugged into the Bluetooth where I can't hear her. 

    We talked about this very thing and I told her it's not an addiction but this very symptom. She said she doesn't like using her ADHD as a crutch ( excuse ).

    There are reasons and excuses. This is a reason but.....she also has my attention. The Bluetooth is still off and will be indefinitely when she's around. I managed just fine before when I didn't have that ability.

     

    J

  • Anger Blinds You by: J 3 months 2 weeks ago

    Just a quick post about anger that I,ve more recently become aware of. When I'm angry, I can see nothing in myself or anyone else except my own anger.

    But when I have control of my anger, it's like suddenly taking the blinders off. I can see more clearly the anger in others when I'm not angry myself. Not just anger, but all the other emotions or feelings in others as well. This has been particularly useful in the relationship with my SO. Being able to see her anger at times, allows me to see what it is she's angry about. This can never happen when your blinded by your own anger. 

  • Exhausted & Resentful of ADHD Husband!!! by: Burnt-out and E... 3 months 2 weeks ago

    I'm 57 and my husband is 63...He is hyper, busy, moving all the time, needs very little sleep AND cannot stop talking!!! He has literally no verbal impulse control and over-reacts to everything. I don't know what to do. I want to divorce him, but am leery of starting over---especially financially and as I approach 60. I could care less about finding another partner....I just want peace and rest. I just read Melissa's email message (9/4/24) on resentment and I really do resent the fact that I give more than I get...my pre-frontal cortex is so beat down from having to share it....I so wish my younger self knew what she was getting herself into...I would have run for the hills! We've been married 29 years, and  I feel like a fool. We have a 22 year old daughter and 16 year old son..they are my only treasures/outcomes from this relationship. If I move on, I'd time it to be 2 years (2026) when my son finishes high school and will no longer be a minor. I welcome any advice. I wish there were a divorce checklist with pros and cons already listed for me to use. Thank you.

  • After Listening to Melissa's Audio Book.... by: J 3 months 3 weeks ago

     

    or at least, a few relative parts. I did have several light bulb moments which prompted me to have a brief talk with my SO before going to bed last night. 

    While listening to her book, I realized several things right off the bat. There were several things that have been mentioned repeatedly that were making her angry. One in particular ( which is not an everyday one for most people ) has to do with the hearing aids ability to connect to Bluetooth so I can listen to things silently on the phone. Music in particular for me. While this sounds like a great idea and being thoughtful on one end, it also effectively cuts me off from anyone trying to talk to me. I'm sure you can see where this us going! There's a part two to this issue but for now, I'm only focusing on this one issue as she has repeatedly complained that she can't talk to me when the Bluetooth is connected.  In essence, we lose connection when I'm connected.

    I began the conversation with: "I want to say something...and that is, I'm so sorry I haven't listened to you when you've told me how frustrating it is when I'm connected to Bluetooth on my hearing aids. I'm sure this must feel like you're not being heard. As of tomorrow morning,  the Bluetooth gets turned off as long as we're together." More or less, that's how I started.

    She wondered where that came from and I told here about Melissa's book and said I had just read a few things that made me feel guilty of not listening to you more. She appreciated that and even reminded me of how I hadn't been "plugged in" yesterday morning and she was able to talk to me while she was making breakfast. It was really nice she said.

    I then brought up my biggest concern being: the parent child dynamic and how it'll ruin our relationship if we don't do something about it. Her response was interesting as she said in a rather casual voice: : "well, I've always had to mother the men I've been in a relationship with...especially my last ex-husband.  The last was husband two for 15 years."

    I didn't say it, but I was thinking it. Mmmmm?

    I told her, we need to find a way to stop this as it's critically important. And she was receptive. I repeated how sorry I was and promised to try and make her feel heard by listening better. This actually felt like the air had cleared a little.  I made this a short conversation but I already know several other things I can start to do immediately along these same lines.

    But the section on roles and symbolic gestures also caught my attention.  I realized:

    a) I need to take on the role of the Non-ADHD partner, at least to keep things clear in my mind when reading since both of us have ADHD and this can get confusing for me. I can change roles as needed

    b )I need to take on the traditional male role of making things happen better. That's means, predicting things ahead of time and just doing them instead of having to be asked. This also falls into the category of "symbolic gestures" as I understand it?

    c) the goal is to take some of the load off her plate when thinking about any of this...making her feel more supported like I have her back, and be heard. *

    * This is where it gets tricky with someone who has a strong need for control and always being self sufficient.  In essence....I don't need anyone to help me.

    If that's the case, they're not going to necessarily ask for help. I've got to pay attention to everything I already know, and just do it even IF I haven't been asked or it's not something on our divided up chore list. Thinking about this further.....everything on the list is my responsibility....not just the ones on my list. If I see I can do something right in front of me that I know she wants and it's on her list...I can just do it without hesitation. Not for praise...because it lightens her load.

    The problem with a person who feels like they have to do everything already from the past....they're not even thinking about the parent child dynamic as it something she's always done.

    As I mentioned before....I walked into the parent child dynamic from day one when I arrived. My intuition was accurate...she's been doing this the majority of her adult life.

    This makes it easy for me to see exactly what I need to do and I actually had started it already in some ways. I've been doing some things right...and other things wrong.

    I noticed even yesterday...instead of telling me what to do ( the bossy ) she started asking me instead. This feels much different. And of course, my answer was yes. She's asking for help, without asking for help. I'm seeing this now more clearly. People who have trouble asking for help, will do it every way BUT.....actually asking for it. I understand this. And I now understand this is what she's doing.

    The part two of my hearing aids and Bluetooth....I can't hear her asking for help when I can't actually hear anything. That's a big deal. I know this now.

    This is a good start I think...but there's a lot more I need to do.

    J

  • Help me understand his apathy by: soloequestrian 3 months 3 weeks ago

    Hi, new here, new to the ideas about ADHD too!  Currently separated from my husband for no very obvious reason.... he left but can't explain why.  He also says he is 'comfortable' with not understanding what went wrong.  I am devastated and hoping we can reconcile.  He recently mentioned the idea that he might be affected by ADHD, I don't know how much he has looked into this but I've been researching it and the 'parent/child' relationship that develops often between affected and non-affected spouses fits very closely with what we both seem to have experienced.  I'm wondering if the total lack of interest in working on a reconciliation could be an ADHD effect?  I've read and watched a lot of material on couples issues and it seems that often even couples who appear to hate each other are still willing to work on their marriages.  We definitely don't hate each other, there is a lot of warmth between us, but he seems terrified of feeling whatever the bad feeling was he had before he left.  I'd be very happy to receive advice on how to move forwards - at the moment my plan is to play the part of the audiobook on ADHD and marriage where it briefly introduces the feelings that the two halves of a couple tend to experience and hope that it gives him the same sort of lightbulb moment that I had when I heard it.  Thanks in advance for any input!

Pages