Long story short, we separated in February.  But he sometimes worked at the bar by our house, so he would come back for a day, then it was two days.  Then we'd go to parties or events with the kids together and it was easier for him to just stay here, and of course we were getting along so much better than before.  A house on our block came up for sale at a really great price.  I thought it would be great for a place for me to live, he could have my (much larger) house and I could live there.   Then we realized that we couldn't totally afford it unless we rented it for a while, until I was working full time again. 

By summer he was only staying with his mom once a week.  Then once every two weeks.  But we were getting along.  I would occasionally mention the things he was supposed to do to show me that he was changing and serious, but he never did them. 

Then he brought his electric toothbrush back.   I put on the brakes.  I told him that we were not back together.  That would never happen without a conversation.  There would be no assumptions.  It had to be an actual conversation.  

That's been the biggest problem  He just won't tell me things, and I need to play detective to figure out what's going on.  In 2018, this man made plans to move halfway across the country and just assumed I knew because I was being so nice about it.   I knew his company was moving headquarters.  I knew he went down there to scope out the area.  I did not know that he was permanently moving there in two weeks. I still thought that we were in the planning and discussion phase.  I only found out because he shipped his car there and I asked how he was going to get to work without his car.   I would have let him move there and stayed here, but he was fired the day before he was supposed to go.  

This week he mentioned his brother was coming to visit his mother's house.  I don't like his brother.  I said I didn't want to go.   But then he said his brother was bringing our niece, who I would like to see.   But all of the conversations just devolved into him asking me if I wanted to go.   Finally I was like "What am I agreeing to?  What is happening this weekend?"  We have an argument about him not giving me all the information in situations. They had a whole variety of things planned.  I dragged out of him that he is planning on going out tonight, cleaning up his stuff so his brother has a place to sleep without his crap everywhere.  This is the important part:  He decides to take the kids out with him tonight, come back home, and go back the next day to go to a concert with his siblings.  

I went swimming with the kids and when we get back he's apologetic for not giving me the full story earlier, but the plans have changed and he's just going to tell me outright.  Okay.  He tells me that no one told him there would be a picnic tomorrow afternoon and he'd like me to come.  Okay, he's direct, thank you.  I tell him how hard it is when he doesn't tell me everything, that I need to make decisions based on all the facts.  I talk at him for a bit, then stop to let him talk.  

He says "so you will come out there at 1?"  Just something about that feels off.   I ask him about it, and he again asks me to come at 1.   Remember, he is taking the kids tonight and come home again.  Why is he so focused on when I will be out there?

So I say "What aren't you telling me?  Something isn't adding up."  He tells me that he's spending the night so that he can go tour assisted living places for his mom in the morning.  I ask if he's still taking the kids out tonight and he says he wasn't planning on it.  He says "Oh God, I've done it again, huh?" 

But instead of being apologetic, he tells me he tried to have a conversation with me, but that I started telling him how I need him to give me more information and he didn't have the opportunity.   I said "The important part was that the plans had changed.  Having a picnic or hanging out in your brother's yard is all the same to me.  You kept asking me if I would come, but you didn't tell me the part about you not taking the kids and coming home tonight.  That's the part I needed to know."  

Then he starts arguing with me over his reasons for deciding to spend the night.   I keep saying "I don't care about the reasons, that doesn't matter.  I don't care if you're spending the night.  The issue is that I had to ask the right questions to figure out what you were doing."  I don't care that he's spending the night.  I don't care that the plans changed.  I care that he didn't give me the information I needed to make a decision.   That's the issue.   That's what he needed so say.  Not "Now there is a picnic, will you come."  He needed to say "I'm going to spend the night out there and I'm not bringing the kids, could you please bring them out for the picnic tomorrow?" 

I just feel crazy.  Is this ADHD?  Is this some weird manipulation?  Why is he insisting that the important part of the story is why he decided to spend the night?  I don't care about his reasons.  I care that he didn't tell me and I had to drag it out of him. 
 



 

I was talking with my young adult son yesterday. His father has ADHD; he doesn't, though he is dyspraxic. He said to me that when he was growing up, he always felt that there was something wrong with him, because his father never listened to him, but was always telling him off and getting cross with him for 'not listening'. It had baffled, confused and upset him and he had internalised it as a fault in himself. He felt at once to blame and completely unheard by his father. He said that when he found a friend who really listened to him, it felt magical. Such a simple thing but it felt amazing. He also said that I had listened to him, but that his father's attitude had really affected him, making him feel really bad about himself. 

This was the first I learned of the impact of his father's inattention and poor self control on our child. I always knew it was battering me emotionally, but I thought the kids were broadly shielded from it by my efforts to be steady and attentive and a good solid presence in their lives. But all the time my sweet little boy was being made to feel faulty and to blame by his father's behaviour. 

Thankfully the young man is reflective enough to understand the dynamic, and if it makes him attracted to thoughtful and attentive people as friends and partners, there are far worse ultimate outcomes.

But he struggled with his mental health throughout his teens, with a particularly scary depressive episode at sixteen which I helped him through, without, of course, any support from my husband/his father. And it breaks my heart that thoughtful, reflective, generous, kind, adorable little-him was made to feel like that by his father's inattention and lack of emotional regulation, and I didn't know and hadn't protected him from it. 

I have been married to an ADHD man for 8 years.  He is non medicated and barely acknowledges he has ADHD He will do no self reflection or research to help himself.  Last 2 years have been bad with his RSD and very dysregulated (not that he ever was regulated).  I can't talk to him.  I am in this alone.  My emotional tank is so full, I just want to give up but we don't really want divorce.  My question is:  Have any of you non ADHD spouses started taking medication to help you deal with your ADHD spouse?  ie:  antianxiety, depression meds?  Any natural supplements?  If so do you think it helps you and are there any nasty side effects?  Please don't suggest alcohol.... Been there done that, I don't recommend it;  however it does help for a few hours.  Thank you in advance folks.  

Sorry all, this will sound self-pitying. I'll write it anyway because I need to take down these realizations when they come.

Have been struggling for a few days. Am very unhappy. Have dwelled in memory of the deepest despair of the past year.

The therapist tells me I suffer from trauma and have been manipulated. Vacation makes it unavoidable. No distractions.

The issue is so simple really. I did everything I possibly could to save our marriage. I did everything I could to choose honesty, and vulnerability. I worked hard to be close to this passive turned away dishonest weak depressed anxious man with severe ADD. We had excellent therapy. He didn't do what the therapist recommended. He forgot to honor the agreements we made together with the therapist. He didn't communicate.

He had put me under terrible strain for years by stating he was incapable of taking adult responsibility for our family. He let me toil. We lost our social network because he had social anxiety. Then during divorce, he claimed he could suddenly take all this responsibility. And he has had the children lived with him 50% of the time since, even though I take care of all clothing, haircuts, hygiene issues, social obligations, proactive work, activities for them. And I worry that life at their father's is passive and unhealthy.

During divorce he slandered me. He told me I was unreliable. He said I took no responsibility in life, making myself a victim and blaming others for everything. He said I had a narrow distorted perspective. He said he wished we'd been divorced much earlier. He said I would have to rethink how I related to people in general because I was useless at it. He said he didn't and wouldn't care about my opinion anymore. He didn't care what would become of our relationship after divorce, it was over. He said I had better cooperate with him for the sake of the children, it was my duty. He scorned me for my pain and for my referring to former agreements we'd made. He scorned me for acting like I thought living with me was such a precious gift. A lot of this was said with a rage face.

He's a professional in the field. I had been open and shared my insecurities with him. He phrased it like I was someone to be evaluated by him. It would have been easier to be called a stupid c...t. 

After divorce he claimed he had no regrets and he had meant every word he said. 

These are facts. They are simple.

And reading about trauma I score quite high on those questionnaires.

It's hard to realize my confidence is actually gone. I thought it might be due to ageing, and professional disappointments, but really of course it's not about that. It's that we were socially isolated for so many years, that I struggled so hard, and was then trying to keep calm and kind during the last months while he showed me I was worth nothing.

Due to recent reminders of other history (systematic invalidation of my thoughts and feelings since childhood and some earlier losses) I right now feel every destructive force has centered on this beautiful week in July. And I have to admit I have no confidence left.

Realize I don't particularly care if someone wants to brush this off as victimization or self-pity. It's simple. It's there. I have no illusions that it will go away until I've worked it through.