Hi all, I'm hoping that I can release some emotions on here as I'm at my last straw. I (non adhd) am a wife to an adhd spouse, and I am exhausted, I am in burnout and recently started antidepressants and counseling for myself. Something which I never wanted to do but I broke and finally admitted I needed help.

My husband is a good guy but he has the hyper side of ADHD, and it is exhausting, I feel like I married a toddler. 

I literally do everything, the house chores, the bills, the presents, the laundry, the food shopping, the cooking, everything! My husband keeps saying that I do too much but he doesn't help, or when he offers it's an empty gesture or (and i really appreciate how hard it is) his ADHD just wont allow him. I have tried approaching him in different ways to get him to help, explained how much the mental load it taking on me, how I need a tidy house or it really sets off my anxiety, I have suggested selected chores, timers, reminders, everything! But he either wont try them (then says I'm an arse for suggesting them coz he cant help it) or it happens for a week then that's it. He says i ask him at the wrong times, so I dont ask him on the evening now, I ask him just before tea (but then im telling him what to do) or I will ask him on a morning, but i'm being a nag. He has tried to step up and help but like I said it doesnt last.

I may sound like a right a******e but how is this fair? 

Is anyone else's adhd spouse quick to point the blame to anyone else? like he'll make a mistake (even small ones) and whilst I don't lose my temper or make any comments, he'll end up blaming me for it. 

I have had countless people come up to me and say you have a patience of a saint and all he has to say about me is negative.... 

I just cant keep going and I need to know is this normal for adhd relationships? 

A liberating thought today. Many of my worst fears have already happened.

The marriage has gone down an abyss of dishonesty and pain. Children are absent half the time. They might not like me with time, they will grow up with ambivalence about my love for them. I've lost most old friends, relatives. Hopes and dreams.

Went for a Sunday walk alone. Lovely Autumn day. Many people outside with friendly faces. Everyone says hello. Little kids playing.

Discover I'm happy to be alive, happy to be divorced. Those worst fears have all played out and I'm still happy today.

Isn't that something. 

I feel like it's doable to live with the coming of new challenges. All the worst things happen, but for the moment there's some rest. I feel content to just watch life happen for a while.

Thank you everyone for your presence on the forum and for the kindness you show. 

Some context: 

We are hosting a housewarming party in two days, which has put both of us into overdrive with preparations. We are both doing a lot to prep, plan, and clean. He has a big meal planned, I am making dessert and did the shopping, and we are both cleaning. We worked together to complete our new deck and patio before the party; He built it, I just finished staining it. Since it is a backyard party, I also want to showcase our beautiful gardens. The problem is that I have been putting off tending to the backyard gardens, and they have gotten really overgrown and weedy. I started working on them on Sunday and found it would take much more effort than I anticipated. So, I began working on them every spare moment I could: waking up early, during lunch, after work, and staying up late. I feel overwhelmed by how much there is to do, and I've let that stress spill over, making me more prone to tears. I'm upset that rooms I previously cleaned and tidied are messy again. My partner has been very nice, comforting, and supportive. 

Then, all of a sudden, he withdrew. We have had many discussions recently about strengthening our connection, but he barely communicated with me, saying he was burnt out. I even tried to hold his hand while we were watching TV, and he replied, "I just can't." 

This hurt my feelings and triggered an anxious attachment response in me; I began to feel very unhappy with how he was pulling away without explaining why. This went on for two days (we struggled to find time to talk about it because we were both so busy and tired), and eventually, it boiled over. 

I woke up on my birthday yesterday, got ready for work and waited for him to wake up for his day. I was expecting a bit of excitement, like a "Hey! Happy birthday!" followed by a big hug and kiss. 

He got up, said hey, and nothing more. I didn't wait long to bring it up since I was on my way out the door. I looked at him expectantly, and he asked, "What?" I said, "I think you're forgetting something..." and he, somewhat put out, said, "Yeah... happy birthday?" 

I felt so disappointed and let down. He had already been pulling away, and now, not even on my birthday, could he muster enough energy to pretend to be happy to see me.

I told him I was upset by that reaction, and he immediately jumped into defensive mode, saying, "I planned our whole night tonight, I came up with other nice birthday plans for you, what do you want? Is nothing ever good enough?" 

I left, got in the car and was upset, came back into the house, and expressed that it wasn’t sitting right with me, explaining why I was disappointed (through discussing our connection, we agreed to voice our feelings when we were upset rather than swallow them). All I needed was a big hug, a kiss, a smile, and a happy birthday wish. 

He capitulated but then reiterated that he felt he had already done a lot. I left feeling dejected and cried on my way to work.

I started receiving a lot of messages and love from friends and family, which lifted my spirits. As my mood improved, I felt like I might have been a bit of a birthday brat. He had done many nice things for my birthday, and I might have seemed unappreciative. 

I sent a text expressing that sentiment, apologizing for making him feel unappreciated. I mentioned I was just saddened by his reaction and that we had agreed to communicate when we were upset. I said I loved and appreciated him.

He never responded. 

When I got home after work, we had about an hour and a half before meeting friends for dinner and a concert (which he had planned).

He was still distant. Cordial, but distant. When I mentioned that lunch with my friend had been nice, he replied, "Oh, great." 

In my mind, I was thinking, how can we SOLVE THIS? I CAN'T STAND being in each other's presence without really talking or being connected.

So I asked if he wanted to talk about this morning. He said sure.

I sought to understand, trying to use curiosity to dissuade my anger (things I'm learning in therapy). I asked what he was feeling this morning and how it felt for him, etc. We revisited much of our earlier conversation, but I mentioned how he had been withdrawn for a couple of days and that I thought it contributed to my reaction. He mentioned he had been feeling a certain way, which affected his behavior that morning. He then explained how he has been acting towards me. 

He told me that when I procrastinate on something, then get stressed as it nears the deadline, it creates a sense of stress around me that makes him uneasy. This is because a) he might have to take on tasks I would normally handle while I deal with my stress, and b) he just gets stressed being around me. 

Okay, fair on some points... (I haven't made him do anything extra in the recent situation involving the housewarming party and gardening issue.)

So, if I haven't made him do anything extra, it’s just that being around me when I'm stressed is stressful for him. 

He then mentioned that he has told me many times how uncomfortable it makes him when I leave things to the last minute. He feels that I refuse to change, that I don't listen, and clearly don't care about how it affects him; I just continue doing what I want. 

He referenced a post he saw on Reddit where a man said his wife complained often, and he started leaving the room when she did, causing her to stop complaining. I thought... this is absurd. He’s taking relationship advice from Reddit? Did this man communicate with his wife? Did he explain why he was leaving? Or did he just train her behavior out of her, thinking that was a good tactic?

So my partner decided to implement the same strategy. When I leave something to the last minute and become stressed dealing with it, he's going to "remove himself from the situation," meaning he won't talk to me, hug me, or hold my hand. He said, "even the reminder that you exist stresses me out." 

I... try to respond, but I am somewhat left speechless. I ask a few more clarifying questions but struggle to provide constructive feedback. I'm basically appalled by this decision. He can see I'm grappling with how to respond, and he says, "It's not really a discussion. This is what I'm going to do. I've tried talking to you and communicating, and I’ve told you how it affects me. You don't care. You just keep doing what you want, and you clearly always will." 

I'm still at a loss. I say okay and leave to process my thoughts. I go upstairs and begin to cry intensely. I have ADHD, a neurological disorder that makes it challenging to conceptualize and execute long-term projects, recognize how long something will take, or focus on the future while letting go of immediate problems. I feel immense shame, sadness, and desperation when I procrastinate and struggle to finish things on time. Additionally, I have taken the initiative to seek help, have been medicated, and have made significant progress. He is upset because I left the gardening to the last minute, but I also planned, shopped for, packed, and executed a five-day backcountry camping trip for us (including dehydrating our meals). I applied for a job and submitted the application three days before the deadline, finished staining the deck five days before our party, and did all the planning and shopping for our party three days in advance. This is all just in September. Yet because I procrastinated working on the garden, and, because it's important to me that our garden looks nice during our backyard party, I have spent every waking moment out there feeling overwhelmed, yet I am treated as if I have made no progress or effort to change that part of myself. Worst of all, I've allowed it to affect him simply by being stressed. 

I can't help but feel like it's a punishment. Withholding love as a tactic to get me to change behavior he does not like. I find this extremely troubling. 

I gather myself and leave the bathroom. He can tell I've been crying and prompts the conversation again. I tell him essentially what I just explained. That it feels like punishment for something with which I already struggle and feel such shame about—not something I "want to do" or "get to keep doing." 

He is adamant that it doesn't matter why I do it. It affects him negatively, so he needs to withdraw. It's about protecting his sanity and peace—it's not a punishment. I can understand that; I can see his perspective. However, he continues to assert, "because you refuse to change." I tell him that if that's his core argument for this new "method," then it is unfounded. I have made significant progress, and I've worked incredibly hard to change. I have participated in therapy, received an ADHD diagnosis, and been medicated. I was content living with it when it only affected me, but I sought help because of its impact on my partner and our relationship, as well as to ensure it wasn't unfair for him to deal with these aspects of me when I had accepted them. 

So, what I'm left thinking is: You've tried hard to change, you've made great progress, you work really hard, you do many things well. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Because if you slip up—and you will, because you're human—your partner will resent you, withdraw from you, and will not support you. In fact, he will be angry with you for doing this to yourself and him. Ultimately, the outcome of your actions affects him negatively, making it the worst thing you could do in his eyes. I don't care how many positive things there have been; if you mess up like this, you’re a bad partner who chooses not to change and simply does what she wants with no regard for his feelings. 

I express my perspective to him (not in so many words). He remains unmoved. I ask if it's just self-preservation, can he please at least communicate what is happening when he feels the need to withdraw? Let me know, "I'm feeling overwhelmed by your stress, and until you have it under control, we should have some space between us." Without that information, I continue trying to talk to him, kiss him, or hold his hand, and I get rejected. My bids for connection are dismissed, and it’s incredibly painful. If he has made a conscious decision to distance himself, I deserve to know so I can accept it and suggest that we take some time apart and reconvene in a couple of days.

He thinks for a long moment, sighs, and agrees. He says, "But don't make me do anything else. Don't keep piling on things for me to do." 

I tell him all I'm asking for is basic communication. He scoffs, stating that he has tried communicating and has now resorted to this because I refuse to change. 

This is when I tell him that his argument is invalid and provide evidence of my progress, etc. He merely responds with a nonchalant "whatever," expressing disbelief in my progress.

It's my birthday. We go out for drinks and attend a concert. We hold hands and kiss, but I feel reluctant to be around him. I feel abandoned, unseen, and misunderstood. I fear having a child with him — how will he treat a stressed and anxious kid? How will he respond to their behavior? Will he silently withdraw and withhold love and affection? Will they grow up thinking they cannot express feelings of anxiety or stress because it means their father cannot be around them?

This is how I feel now. I worry that next time I mess up, procrastinate, and have to rush to complete something, I should hide my feelings so I do not upset him and jeopardize his love. 

When things are good, I feel so at home and in love with him and our life together. I love so much about him. I am genuinely happy. 

However, I think these issues might be things I cannot ignore, and they will only worsen. He already resents me. I am struggling with his reactions to certain situations. How long will we continue in this manner, and how could I possibly bring a child into this dynamic? 

I am nearly done reading the book and finding it very insightful. My wife was recently diagnosed with ADHD and started meds. As the non-ADHD spouse, I am reading the book trying to place myself in those shoes. 

While I clearly see her symptoms (disorganized, excessive spending, distractible, etc), she is also very much the book version of the non-ADHD spouse. She nags, belittles, rages at me, pushes all real responsibilities on me then tells me I contribute little or nothing, and is constantly asking me to do more. I never ask her to do anything and go out of my way to avoid triggering her anger. 

I am the described easy going, fun loving, spontaneous, hard working, loving parent. I can certainly get distracted or have my attention pulled in too many directions, but I believe to a reasonable degree. I have not been evaluated for ADHD, it has never been recommended (except by her) and the screening questionnaires come up negative. 

I am the sole bread winner, cover all bills and finances, am expected to cook every meal (separate meal for her to eat on her own typically), take kids to every birthday party / practice / sporting event, all kids are in school or day care and we have a cleaner come. I don't drink, play video games, go to the gym, or go out with the guys (no time). I 'walk on eggshells' constantly. 

From what I read in the book, it seems like she is managing me like I'm the ADHD spouse and not the other way around. Could she be projecting her symptoms and frustrations on me to deal with her ADHD? Is this a known pattern?