Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control by: J 2 months 2 weeks ago

    My SO is a Control Freak. Everyone who knows her says the same thing.....her friends, family members, her son and even she openly admits it. 

    I, on the other hand, am a control freak, but more narrowly focused to things I do less my environment and other people. That's not to say I don't do the same things she does, but predominantly, my control focus is aimed in a different direction than hers.

    There's definitely a qualitative difference between the two of us and I believe this has to do with locus of control. I looked up ( yet another article ) on this topic and low and behold, I think I found pay dirt. The article said that ADHD folks tend to be more external locus of control, but my tendency so often, lean more toward internal locus of control.

    So why is that?

    "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose"

    Growing up, I remember feeling this way quite often. When you're at the bottom, there's no where to go but up. This sentiment allows you to try things without fear of failure because you already feel like a failure anyway. You've got nothing to lose.

    “Freedom is the only worthy goal in life. It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.”

    I believe this, but my SO loses sight of this at times so exercising patience and grace is what I need to do in these moments. 

    I'm guessing,  her issues also stem from trauma and abuse ( she's told me of her sexual abuse and her mother's alchoholism ). I'm betting there's some maladaptive strategies there as well. Just like me.

    "To accuse others for one's own misfortune is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete."

    Not there yet, but I'm trying

    J

  • Trophic Cascade: How Wolves Changed Rivers by: J 2 months 2 weeks ago

    There's an incredible video on YouTube entitled: How Wolves Changed Rivers that tells the story of what happened when they reintroduced wolves back into Yellowstone National Park. The net effect was something called a Trophic Cascade which is a miraculous phenomenon that takes place in a closed environment, when a small change ( in the big picture ) has an amazing impact on the entire ecosystem. I hope you can take a minute and watch this short video.

    In my mind, this is how GOD works. You couldn't ask for a more profound example. 

    It only took me a minute to realize how much this exemplifies my own personal belief system which I won't assume is shared by everyone else.

    My thoughts and personal beliefs in relation to my relationship with my SO and this video goes something like this:

    Everytime my SO asks me to take out the garbage.... and I get up immediately from whatever I'm doing  and gladly do as she asks, the positive compound effect is like a Trophic Cascade.

    From one small,  seemingly insignificant action, the net effect on her translates to the entire household,  and the harmony created within is ten fold from this one action in our little closed environment.

    Why? Because this is how GOD works. The same as introducing the wolves back into Yellowstone.

    This is just a part of my personal belief system that I believe is true.  Thought I'd share.

    J

  • Over Explaining and ADHD by: J 2 months 2 weeks ago

    I read some excellent articles about over explaining and ADHD; why it happens, and possible causes. This will be extremely helpful as it definitely applies to me. I can recall countless times in my life when people were trying to turn me off and I didn't know exactly why? Now I understand! 

    Just another adaptive strategy that has a self sabotaging effect. And once more, I think this is just another ingrained habit that once served a purpose but no longer serves me. Getting about breaking this habit will be my next course of action.

     

  • Resentment and Divorce - Need help! by: vienna123 2 months 2 weeks ago

    Hi all - im a male/44 - possible ADHD 17 years been married to a female/44 with diagnosis for ADHD.  This weekend she told me she wants a divorce and i am in crises and need help.

    We have always had a fiery relationship, much of this was to do with my own unresolved trauma from childhood things and possible Autism and ADHD. I was extremely selfish as a young man and really treated her badly, not actual abuse but definelty significiant unkindness. 

    Over the years we have had numerous blow out arguments - ones where rage is so powerful that you cant even breath.  She has left me twice over the years but then come back

    We then produced a beautiful daughter 7 years ago.

    The last time she left - i realized that much of my own issues were due to my trauma so i resolved to tackle this through professional therapy.  I have been doing this for around 18 months now.  I have made tremendous strides, i have become kind, attentive, concentrated on making connection and the last six months have been amazing, on one instance even leading to initiation of intimacy from her (never happened in previous years).  The rage arguments have larley ceased (one in last 12 months) i am better both mentally/ health wise and have developed a growth mindset.

    I love my family intensely and don't want to lose them.

    In the last 3 months i started to research the issues that ADHD had on adults.  However work got in the way and a period of heavy work travel meant i only started.

    Then this weekend she sent me an email listing that she wanted a divorce, i was floored - especially after all the work and effort.

    It was very matter of fact, she had a call with a solicitor and had been talking to friends and had written teh email some weeks prior.  The only section where she gave a reason is here:

    "Just do not love you in the way you deserve to be loved. You are perfect for someone else, you have a lot to offer and deserve to be loved and treated well, but I’m not that person, not anymore. 

    The next thing for you should be real and full of love, respect and mutual appreciation, something I can no longer offer you. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. 
    I want you to be happy, but it’s not with me, I am confident after the initial shock that you will move on and find someone to make you smile again."

    She suspected i would be angry with her (i am not) but then closed the email.

    We then had a talk a couple of days ago about it.  I don't want to break up the family and explained the impact on our daughter and fiances, i explained that i think that a MOST of our previous argument history was due to un diagnosed and untreated ADHD.

    Now the part of significant interest ot me is this.  She admits she holds resentment to me for all the things done to her over the early period in our lives.  She is right and i was horrible - 2020 being the last of this.  When i explained that this was historic she will say that to her it feels like it happened yesterday.  She also by her own admission has a tendency to ignore all the good that i do and focus on the bad. 

    From what i have researched,  getting therapy and medication for ADHD can help with this - it will allow her to hopefully see the real me and try to resolve some of her resentment and trauma.  She suffers from noise sensitivity and distraction too.  

    I have my part to play in this too, trauma nad my own adhd need help - but i think i am more dominant Autusim than ADHD and need another 12 months i think.

    I really feel like through help she resolve the resentment but for the time being she is adamant on divorcing me.  She has moved into my dauhgters bedroom and we are still mostly a family - but it has only been 6 days.  She hasnt filed for divorce yet but wants to soon.

    I feel like on previous seperations, they were a cry for help., this time feels different.

    Would anybody have any advice for me please - i am desperate.

  • Here's a BIG question for all you spouses- AITAH? by: WildBill2500 2 months 2 weeks ago

    Taking a page from Reddit- Am I The A$$ H*le?

    My view on my wife's ADHD and her many other unfortunate afflictions (type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, IBD, migraines, and anxiety) is that she needs to figure out how to adapt to the world within the constraints of her ailments. I know it's an over simplification that will likely be taken negatively, but I can't help make anything better for her if she doesn't have the drive to push through and overcome her issues.

    I have had a bad back for 28 years. I know I can't pickup (or shouldn't) pickup heavy objects. So, I find different ways to do what needs to be done without injury (usually without asking for help). Similar to my lactose intolerance. If I want to eat ice cream, I plan ahead and take a pill. I am terrible at remembering numbers & dates, so I use my phone to make calendar entries, reminders, and take pictures of labels or cards with info I'll need to keep myself organized. I adapt and overcome the obstacle.

    With my wife, it's like she wants to be limited. I offer solutions for frequent ADHD type issues- Hanging your keys on the hook in the same place to make it a habit. Enter appointments into our shared Google calendar with notifications days and hours ahead. Don't start laundry unless your next few hours are clear to get through the entire process. Set reminders for tasks on your phone, etc. But, she doesn't do it. It's like she chooses to fail. I want her to own her failures and adapt. We have heated discussions about things I need from her (normally her lack of follow through & lack of affection). She communicates that she understands what needs to be done to make things better and what she's going to do about it, but she doesn't do anything different. So, I get even more frustrated.

    My wife has only recently decided to look into ADHD medication and is going through more extensive testing with a new PCP. Her previous PCP (that left the practice) diagnosed her, but the new PCP thinks it was inadequate... She is not in any type of therapy. Well before the ADHD diagnosis, I demanded she get off anxiety meds because of the side effects (flightiness, memory issues, poor libido). She also hadn't seen her doctor from 2019 until she went to a new doc in 2023 with high blood pressure- yet the anxiety meds kept getting refilled... In retrospect, some of those side effects may have been some of the ADHD coming to the surface.

    I like to think I am an organized person- I've been a manufacturing technician for almost 20 years. I am always aware of how long things take and what time it is, I am a planner, and a problem solver. My father is a very irresponsible and narcissistic person- so I have always strived to be a person of integrity (the opposite of him). If I say I'll do something, I do it. I know I could use a relationship therapist, but options are very limited in our rural area and I simply don't have time between work and home responsibilities. My last therapist, put all my issues and disappointments on my wife not addressing her ADHD. From this, my wife thinks that I view myself as perfect and without my own issues- which is not the case, but I address mine...

    AITAH?

  • Anger due to forgetfulness by: WildBill2500 2 months 2 weeks ago

    My wife is currently unmedicated for ADHD. Her former PCP did an interview with her well over a year ago and concluded she has ADHD (which we already knew). At an annual follow up, she mentioned to her new PCP (PA for the former PCP) she wants to explore medication for ADHD. New PCP wanted a host of testing and we're waiting on the result. 

    To my actual issue- yesterday I was running errands after an appointment. I always update my wife on my whereabouts usually through messenger- leaving the dentist, headed to the grocery store, etc... I am 20 minutes from home and she calls me and with anger in her voice she says "I thought you'd be home by now! Where are you?!". I calmly said I'm almost home, I told you what I was doing... Her attitude quickly changed and she said "oh that's right". No apology. When I got home I looked at messenger to confirm that she actually had looked at my message and replied - which she had.

    Once home and after dinner I calmly explained that I send her updates way more than I need to and she shouldn't be mad and just check her phone instead of calling me with an attitude. I don't expect her to remember everything, just to remember oh we already talked this. She should also actually, you know, trust me because I'm her husband, I'm responsible, have integrity, and communicate.

    I'm trying to do everything in my power to prevent and avoid things like this, and to communicate, but this crap really irritates me! I grew up with a father that was irresponsible and a liar, so issues like this insult my integrity!

  • ADHD Spouse, poor verbal impulse control and lashing out by: quiet crescent 2 months 2 weeks ago

    Often when my ADHD husband gets stressed out, he will lash out and give a laundry list of reasons why he's stressed out, and each and every thing he lists seems to have a barbed comment about how I've failed/let him down in some way. I've told him how this behavior makes me feel, but he insists that if I can't repeat exactly the things he said that were offensive he "can't change the behavior." This really feels like a cop-out and refusing to take responsibility for the things he says. I'm struggling because when it's a long list he's rattling off (which feels like kitchen sinking) I don't know how I'm supposed to remember every single word he says like a tape recorder, I just know how it makes me feel. He refuses to see any good I do, whatsoever, and is always the victim in the scenario, and I am always the villain. 

    For instance, this evening I made dinner, packed up our kiddo's daycare snacks for tomorrow, made up the bed (our 22 month old is potty training and had an accident on our bed), and put away the food from dinner. There were a few dishes left (a pot, some toddler dishes, cutting board, and a couple spatulas) and a little lunch left to pack. Our dogs desperately needed a walk and were begging to go out, so I told him I was going to take them around the block (about a 20 min walk normally) and be right back to help with the rest of the bed time routine. He was giving our son a bath and he said "of course, no problem, and if you need to leave some dishes or lunch packed for tomorrow it's fine I can do it." I leave for 20 mins. When I came back he was stressed out and packing lunch for kiddo's daycare. I asked what still needed to be done for bedtime and what I could help with and he went into this tailspin about how "everything needs to be done," and I left all this stuff for him to do and he had to shoulder it all alone. (This was after he told me to go walk the dogs and I told him what was remaining) I was just going to let it slide but I think he could tell I was a little annoyed by this sudden 180, and was breathing down my neck to repeat the exact words he said that had offended me. He spiraled out and we ended up not solving the issue. He went for a long walk for hours and is sleeping in another room tonight.

    It just feels so crazy to even be in a place like this, and this kind of thing happens more than I'd like to admit. I don't know how else to make him understand the things he says are hurtful and if he could even say them in a neutral way or act like we're a team to any degree things would be peachy.

    Anyone else experience something like this?

  • ADHD Husband doesn't like my ADHD Sister by: grassnotgreen 2 months 3 weeks ago

    Hello, 

    I just wanted to look for support or help since I don't know how to handle the situation. My ADHD husband is not on medication, he's going to the gym to help him manage it. Doesn't seem to be working tbh... but anyway. My sister and mom are here for vacation, its been about a month now. They will be here for two more weeks. And whatever my sister does aggravates my husband. My sister is diagnosed, not managing ADHD, and no meds. 

    He gets annoyed whenever she talks. He says that my sister has a crush on him. He is rude at times to her. He doesn't like being around her says that whatever she does triggers him because he feels like crap cause he's done the same to me prior. But before he was diagnosed he didn't have any of these issues and actually pitied her. Now, its this insanity or what feels like insanity. I'm caught in the middle. I don't know what to do. I don't think I've even given a good explanation about the situation. I just... I'm at a wit's end. I guess, I just wanted to know if anyone has observed their ADHD spouse interacting with another person with ADHD and how that usually goes... 

  • I’m ashamed to say.. by: Peacefull111 2 months 3 weeks ago

    It finally ended and he finally decided to stop contacting me after 4 years of stalking me and pretending we never broke up in the first place. But the way I ended things to get rid of him I have to say I feel very guilty and ashamed of. I never wanted to hurt him. Me and my adhd ex were together for 6 years and my world revolved around him. Although it was constant fights and breaking up every other week he never wanted to let go.. he would create tons of new numbers and emails just to stay in touch. 
    well this past month I met a man that I convinced myself I was in love with. Obviously I was not and was just imagining a different future. So I told my adhd ex to please leave me alone because I was interested in someone else. I felt like both of our worlds collapsed. After so many years of friendship we never wanted it to end this way. I'm extremely heartbroken and feel horrible for what I did to him. He has stopped contacting me now. 
    Nothing happened with the new guy he obviously was not even interested in me because I had idealized it all. I think I did it all on purpose to end my relationship with my adhd ex but boy does it hurt, 

    Why do these things lead to such drastic measures. For years I tried to break up the right way and he would not. Now I went to do something stupid and hurt him more than I ever wanted. I felt I was his protector for the longest. Only time can heal us now. The shame of not being the bigger person this time kills me, there's no excuse for my actions. Has anyone here had guilt like this before? Where you felt like you were the one who was supposed to have self control but failed. 

  • RSD...Flipping the Script. Ferreting Out Anger by: J 2 months 3 weeks ago

    I'll have to come back to this one since I'm currently at work. A recent post on verbal abuse caused me to pause and think about this topic for a moment.  It required some research on my end because I realized I needed to know more about the topic of RSD. 

    When I first came to this forum around 8 or so years ago, I was challenged to ferret out my own anger which is what this post is all about: ferreting out anger. That, and being first introduced to emotional lability at that time, is what I assume, is now part of, or contained in, the same topic of RSD.

    I'll be back to tell you what I've found and I did find something indeed.

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