I've been doing some soul searching. What did I do during our many years together that hurt my undiagnosed ADD partner?

We all know some very common things, and those I've done. I was critical of his priorities and questioned his performance. I dismissed most of his ideas.

Impatient by nature, I've made him feel he was always too slow. I've prompted action and decisiveness to no avail. I've shown irritation at his natural pace. 

Also I complained a lot. My life with him had few rewards. It was as if my worth in the world plummeted with his hidden depression and anxiety when our children were little. I couldn't understand why nothing I did helped, when formerly I had been quite resourceful and felt well liked. I then complained about being unhappy, feeling alone, feeling overwhelmed, feeling badly treated by other people. I complained about work most days and took work distress home, but didn't quit the line of work I was doing. 

His parents noticed something was wrong with us and decided it must be my fault. Then I refused to see them. This he couldn't accept, and it was a constant cause of conflict for years. 

When he was sick, I couldn't stand it. He had a way of slowing down even more, to the point of complete standstill, not communicating at all for days when he had a cold. I was angry with him for it, and I showed my impatience and anger when he was ill. 

Most days I tried to run a cheerful family and worked around his negligence. But some days I confronted him for never sharing his work schedule with me. For leaving all planning responsibility to me. And for all the other things he didn't do.

Add years and heavy resentment. Finally I felt he should acknowledge I was there at all, no matter how shut down I was. He was newly diagnosed needing encouragement and approval, and I was just spent. I was barely able to support us financially and keep house. I couldn't give him the emotional support he needed.

All in all, I understand I've undermined his confidence, punctured his hopes and dismissed him as an equal partner. I could have done better, by leaving long ago, even though I didn't know what our problem was. There really was no virtue in hanging on to the misery and spending us both.

With an early diagnosis, things might have been different. But to be honest, I probably wouldn't have started our family if I'd known about his neurodivergence. This I'm not proud of. I've loved him deeply. But nonetheless.

Considering all this, he has been very kind to me. There have been rage outbursts, but most of the time he's been very gentle, loving and kind.

I need to remember that, too. 

Hi all, this comes with a giant trigger warning.

Some of you might be aware of my situation: 17 year marriage, DH diagnosed about a year ago.  We have two daughters, one age 12 who I'm taking to a psychiatrist at the end of the month, because I'm sure she also has ADHD. 
 

But we also have a beautiful, kind, wonderful, funny daughter who just turned 15, a year after her diagnosis of ADHD, and two years after she was very violently assaulted in a local park.  :(

I've been dealing with her trauma on my own for two years, simply because H doesn't understand trauma and refuses to learn about it.  In his mind, doing the best day to day stuff for mental health (wearing the right clothes, going to the gym, having the right friends), will result in her getting better.  Also, meds are a source of shame for him and must be avoided, in fear of admitting some kind of failure.  We have had many arguments - sometimes full out fights - about his daily yelling at her to change her behaviour.

 Finally in May she made a medically severe suicide attempt, and I spent Mother's Day in the ER not knowing if my baby would survive, or even what had actually happened to her.

Since that day, I've quit work (employment insurance) and have made her health my #1 priority.  After two months of the most amazing time together, creating opportunities for her and getting her connected to friends, she confessed to me almost a week ago that nothing is a detractor any more. Her pain is so great that she's willing to sacrifice her family's future in order to get out of it.  Thank god we have a relationship where she was able to divulge this to me.  I of course took her straight back to the ER and the childrens' psychiatric team that I''ve come to be close with.  She was admitted immediately. 

Here's where it gets relevant to this group: yesterday I got a call from the hospital psychiatrist telling me that she's afraid of her father's unpredictable rages, and that she can't be brought home to our house.  They told him the same thing in a separate call.  So the issue is not only her trauma, it's also her father's daily rages, and the subsequent fights I have with him about how they are inappropriate, or me just stepping in to mediate and protect the kids.

STILL he blames me, and says he's done nothing wrong.  Complete denial.  All of his rage is justified in his kind, and attributable to either me or the kids.  Complete denial of his diagnosed ADHD, the RSD, or any impact on me or the girls.

 Needless to say I'm leaving him, and told him so yesterday while putting plans in place, but I'm terrified to cause even more instability in my daughter's life.  She has asked me to move her to a completely new town.  That's how bad it is.  
 

Since he reads this forum and doesn't see himself in it, I'm at a loss. He refuses to own any responsibility to either help our children or better himself.

I guess my question is - is this ADHD?  Is there something else going on?  And how did I, a high achieving woman with tons of family support, find myself as the frog in the proverbial pot, and at the same time find that I've put my children at risk??

Maybe more importantly, if he's reading your responses, is this behaviour in any way justified by literally anything I or the kids do????

help

Catterfly

Hello looking for general support really. I've been with my husband for 11 years. Five of those married. It's the same as everyone else really, we were great until we got married and then he totally changed. We got pregnant quite quickly and he was overwhelmed with the prospect of becoming a dad and I couldn't do or say anything right. Covid hit us hard financially and the loss of work sent him into a depression. I noticed huge mood changes during this time and every 3 months he would say he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me or want our life together. Then he was would come back around and things would be good for a while and the same would happen again. His moods switch so rapidly sometimes it's hard to know what  I said. Issues with my slowness to respond or also me responding too directly in the wrong tone have caused so many issues. Around  a year and a half ago after a breach of trust, he went into the therapy that first suggested ADHD. We then did another year without a formal diagnosis. This year he threatened divorce 3 times during a fight which he started, but apparently I was to blame for. I'm happy to accept I am not perfect but I do struggle with the temper escalation and I am always accused of being aserbic or acidic. I often feel like he has two personalities, one for everyone else and then the split one with me. He works relentlessly which is where his hyperfocus goes. Then when he gets back he either crashes from exhaustion or illness. He won't stick to any exercise routine as works too much and has quite a transient job so he can't find a routine for diet and exercise together. He finally got a formal diagnosis of ADHD combined inattentive and hyperactive at high levels and then he chose not to take the medication (Ritalin). I decided to at that point to end the relationship which was extremely difficult as ii of course love him very much. After a few weeks he wanted to try the medication, and we have started to mend. However he has been hit with an illness that has delayed starting the medication by another two months. And I can feel the anxiety building up in me that I'm relying too much on this to change things. Has anyone else had experience with great improvements in their partner after the medication? Am I pinning too much hope on this?