Okay, I know I should be just leaving. But Mr. ADHD is now trying. And he's trying so hard, he really is. But he can't do anything right. I feel like a jerk telling him all the time, but his efforts are just not good enough. I am literally in the midst of a panic attack about it right now.
It's EVERYTHING. Like, I asked him to run to the store to get baking soda. We were out because he keeps dumping it on the carpet to kill moths but it should be a baking soda/vinegar combination and we have already discussed that it didn't work, and that is frustrating enough on its own, but I didn't bring that up. He saw I was looking for it and ran to the store. Awesome. Except instead of buying the store brand he bought the expensive refrigerator kind that isn't meant to leave the box and now I have to take the extra step to put it in a bag and label it, and I know it's small, but it's just to illustrate that even the smallest "help" requires so much extra work.
Today, I'm prepared for the parent-teacher conference he set up and reminded me about (great!), but it's actually two weeks from now. I planned my work and gym schedule around this.
Last night we were supposed to meet my mother at 5:30 for dinner at a chain restaurant halfway between our houses to celebrate my son's birthday. Husband works in the same town as where my mother lives, so he was going to meet us there after work. We don't often meet at this restaurant, but we always meet her in this shopping district. We also needed to go to Lowe's, which is not close to our house, but there is one located near this chain restaurant. Then my mom was going to take our son to the Barnes & Noble to pick out his birthday gift. While chain restaurant and Lowe's are close to each other in every shopping center around the city, there is only one shopping area with a Lowe's, this restaurant, and Barnes and Noble. This was the plan. I reminded him multiple times, and I called him at 5:22, and he was at Lowe's. I was mildly annoyed that he was still there because my mom is always early and makes comments to me if we are late (and we are always late). They were not supposed to seat us until the entire party was there, but I charmed them at the desk and they let it slide. Good thing I did. Because at 5:33, Husband called to say that he went to the wrong location. Why? He said he went to the one by the Lowe's. He was an hour away! Why would you not go to the restaurant that you literally drive by on the way home? Why would my traffic-adverse mother drive through the worst traffic district to get to where he was instead of going to the place right off the highway where we literally meet all the time?
Tomorrow we have to meet with someone about this legal thing. We already met with said person, but Husband filled out the paperwork with all the wrong dates and we look like total idiots and have to redo it. This meeting was supposed to be last week, but I expressed feelings about being expected to clean the house on my own for this last-minute meeting, so he rescheduled it for this week (but didn't tell me until after I had cleaned the house in a panic), and he rescheduled it at the exact same time I have an appointment for the kid that I can't cancel.
And he is still not talking about our relationship. He is supposed to be living with his mother, but he's moved back in, and is still living out of his suitcase. I told him that he was not bringing his stuff back until he had an actual discussion about it. Well, his mother is moving to a home in two weeks and he's going to have to move his stuff somewhere. I don't know where he thinks he's going to move it, but he's not going to move it here and a last-minute discussion while the moving truck is outside is not going to cut it. Oh my God. I just realized. He told me he was taking the kids to his mom's house on Friday. I'll bet he thinks that is enough of a discussion to move his stuff back. It's not. He has stopped going to therapy, because "he can do everything he was learning on his own." But he's not doing that. The stress of doing all of this is just too much.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Everything is wrong by: Dagmar 2 months 1 week ago
- ADHD or Something Else by: J 2 months 1 week ago
I know I keep bringing up OCD in connection to my SO and I realize I have no expertise on this subject. I really don't know how to differentiate the nuances and comorbitity of all the possible combinations of things that a person could have as well as ADHD. Or for that matter, all the overlaps and shared symptoms and which thing is which. I simply don't know.
But I do talk to her and ask questions about what I observe when there's no conflict and emotions are low. I'm simply curious so I can better understand.
We don't seem to have any conflict concerning household chores in fact, she never complains that Im not doing enough around the house, however, I do get the sense that she's tired or feels overworked and feels stressed when having to work and take care of the house. I also don't get the sense that she's secretly wishing I'd do more but she's afraid to talk to me or ask ( conflict avoidant ). On the contrary, I'M the one bringing it up and trying to do more; Offering to help and and checking in continuously to make sure I'm doing my share. The answer is always the same: "no, I'd rather do it myself". I also don't get any sense that I'm not doing it well enough or doing a sloppy job. If need be, I can turn on my own perfectionism and do a really great job.
So what's this issue? She doesn't really want to do all of it, but at the same time, she can't relinquish these things ( control ) to anyone else for some ( seemingly ) unknown reason?
So I ask: why don't you let me help you?
Me: I'd be glad to help you run the vacuum and do the floors.
Her: No, I'd rather do it myself
Me: okay, but why ? Do I not do a good job?
Her: It's not that, it's that, if I can feel any particles of dirt, dust, flecks of stuff on the bottoms of my feet, it drives me crazy and I like to go barefoot in the house
That's the answer. It's a sensory issue. The floors have to be so sanitary clean and micro-particle free...that if she can "feel" anything on her bare feet, it's not suitable for her. And I just don't go to that extreme. My basis for clean floors has more to do with "visually" clean...not "touch" clean.
And the counter tops, stove tops, furniture tops or any surface has to meet the "feel" test. This goes one step beyond the "white glove" test since that is still a visual inspection.
Another example that has actually hurt my feelings at times which I'm now starting to understand that I shouldn't take this too personally. This just happened a few days ago but saying, it happens all the time very predictably. This has to do with smells.
I'll go to kiss her and will say something nice or complimentary ( or anything positive ) as a show of affection. Her immediate response will be: " did you brush your teeth, your breathe stinks"
And my answer is: "yes, I just brushed my teeth."
If you can imagine, this may not make you feel very good? Especially immediately right after showing a nice gesture of affection? And it's not, "I love you too...and...by the way ( FYI ) your breath is a little stinky". It's more like ( in disgust )...like "ick, yuck...your breathe stinks!...I'm so repulsed " instantly after that kind of exchange.
I'm beginning to understand this better...this has very little to do with me and more to do with an extreme sensory reaction that has to do with smell and touch. To the point, it's so extreme...because the reaction inside her is extreme even to every day smells and touch sensations that normally ( by most people standards) would probably not bother them much? I don't have this kind of sensory issues and someone's breathe or odor in a mild form doesn't bother me a bit. I don't even think twice about it or give it a second thought. It simply doesn't bother me.
This appears to me, as a pervasive issue that extends to everything where ever she goes to a lesser degree...but extremely so, inside the house or her personal space or environment. Her controlling behavior appears more limited to this kind of thing.
And with me, it appears when I'm doing something that appears to her...that may be doing something that's going to create this kind of extreme sensory reaction. So, it's either, to prevent this from happening or...to stop this reaction while it's happening?
So when it comes to the kiss....the reaction has already happened which is why the "yuck...it smells so bad ! " response even after I've brushed my teeth immediately before the kiss. Things like smells are so intense for her, that even the slightest of odor no matter how faint...cause this extreme reaction.
I'm calling this an extreme sensory reaction but...I don't really know what the cause is? Is this ADHD, OCD or a combination of both. Or neither one?
I don't know. But I'm learning not to take it personally.
But also saying....it makes it difficult to help someone clean, when only they know what's good enough for them based on how it feels or smells ( for them )
- My ADHD Spouse Won't Get Help by: cvb21xdrt 2 months 1 week ago
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for six years. When we first met, I was a fixer who liked to rescue people; we definitely complimented each other. Over the years, I've done my own mental and emotional work to heal and grow; I don't try to fix or rescue people anymore and continue on my journey of personal growth. My husband did two tours in Iraq and has mild PTSD. For years, I chalked up his explosive anger to PTSD and his forgetfulness to an undiagnosed TBI (he refuses to get tested). He was diagnosed and treated (Adderall) for ADHD two years ago when he started graduate school. I didn't realize how ADHD affected relationships; I've always thought of ADHD as a focus/concentration problem. Six weeks ago, I came across Melissa's work and realized that his ADHD better explains his symptoms than PTSD. Since then, I talked to him about how his ADHD was affecting our marriage and how unhappy I am. He agreed that we needed to work on our relationship and he needed to address his ADHD symptoms. We started by buying a copy of Melissa's book and listening to the same book on Audible during a weekend getaway (we only got through half of the book). After arriving home from that getaway, he has done nothing else to help/treat his ADHD. I think he assumes that since we don't fight (I avoid conflict with him because I can't tolerate his angry explosions), everything is good in our relationship, but it's not. He says he will finish Melissa's book, but instead, he spends hours and hours on the couch most days scrolling Facebook or watching TV. I've asked him to find a psychiatric provider in our area who specializes in ADHD, but he hasn't (I found one in five minutes). I've asked him to look at several apps to help him, and us as a couple, complete household tasks, but he won't. I suggested Melissa's couples seminar, but he showed no interest. We haven't had sex in over five years, and when I bring it up, he blames me. He graduates his program in May 2025 and I've decided to divorce him if things don't change. I love him, but I can't and won't live like this. I'm going to suggest Melissa's couples seminar that will begin sometime in 2025 as a last-ditch effort to turn things around. If he blows that off, I don't know what else to do.
- A year after divorce by: Swedish coast 2 months 1 week ago
This first year after ADD divorce is almost over. Thank you friends on the forum for supporting me through it.
To all who consider divorce, here's some hope from this perspective. It's like I recently told a longtime friend who's reappeared: I rise like a bubble now.
After having felt for many years a constant tug downward, into depression and burnout, and an all-encompassing pessimism, this bubble quality is almost to good to be true.
Colors are bright, I'm once again fit to make decisions, things I try to achieve happen. This hasn't been the case for a long time. All confidence was gone, now it returns.
I think the thoughts and emotions of this year have been valuable. They're familiar now. Like scars that have started to fade, no longer inflamed, just weird to the touch and tender of course, they don't cause panic anymore.
Relationships with practically everyone (except the ex) have improved. The children, however saddened at first by the divorce, now thrive. As I get better at life, they are increasingly comfortable, snuggling up for comfort, joking, confiding in me. I feel blessed. I've also found my way back to old passions - art, music - that were hidden behind grief for many years.
My friend who's gone through a similar thing this year has regained his religious faith.
I'm so grateful.
I think an important message from this vantage point is: when you leave a destructive relationship, you can instead focus your efforts where they make a difference. It's rewarding. Even if you're like me immensely saddened by choices you've made in the past, new experiences can make the sting of that fade. And yes, time helps.
Have a nice weekend everyone.
- Man ( or anyone ) Dying of Thirst in the Desert by: J 2 months 1 week ago
I had a flashback to a story I was told in therapy years ago and it suddenly made perfect sense to me now.
The story: "There once was a man, dying of thirst in the desert. As he crawled through the sand on his hands and knees, he spotted an Oasis of trees up ahead. When he reached the trees, he found a beautiful Oasis where a wealthy Sheik lived with his family. One of the Sheik's beautiful daughters spotted him and came to his aid. Other family members came to add assistance and took him to a tent and was cared for to help him recover. After he rested, he was taken to the Sheik who told him anything he owned was available to him. A huge spread of food was laid upon a table that had anything you could imagine. He was offered clothing and even one of his many beautiful daughters if he desired. There was everything any man could ever wish for except the one thing he needed most to survive. There was not even one drop of water to drink, anywhere to be found."
You could read into this story anyway you like but for me, it caused me to stop and think. What is it that I'm missing in all the things I do have right now? Is it vital to my survival, will I die without it?
And what if I lost all the things I do have, in an effort to get that one thing? Would it be worth it? Would my life be better off ? Would that be a ridiculous trade off in order to get this one thing I crave?
Food for thought.
And without keeping my thoughts a secret, one thing that I do have right now is a bountiful supply is companionship. And companionship is right up there at the top of the list of things I really craved most when I was alone for 5 years. In that sense, this could be seen as water for the man, dying of thirst in the desert.
J
- Vent: non-ADHDer exhausted being the valet for ADHD anxieties/needs by: Regina-Lucy 2 months 2 weeks ago
I am in a committed relationship with a neurodivergent partner with ADHD and as the female parent of neurodivergent children, I am an empath with OCD who feels overwhelmed by the constant need to hold space for others' anxieties. The weight of my family seeking emotional support during their panic attacks, including my mother, leaves me feeling exhausted and drained. I yearn for personal boundaries to be respected and for the responsibility of emotional caretaking to be shared more equally.
The most triggering things I hear are:
- I need you why are you not supporting me. I just need this.
- Why are you so upset? It (insert ADHD/EF trait) isn't a big deal.
- You need to figure out how to accept this.
Sorry, I have not place to share this. I'm waiting for the winter/spring non-ADHD groups to be opened.
Thanks for letting me release this.
Delete if it's inappropriate.
- Had a Breakthrough by: J 2 months 2 weeks ago
This won't be a long post. I finally dug down deep enough to find what's been truly affecting me ( the most ). It is, the underlying cause for the RSD I've been experiencing.
"Taking away sex from a man can make him feel a range of emotions including unwanted, rejected, unloved, frustrated, resentful, and insecure; essentially, a lack of physical intimacy can significantly impact a man's self-esteem and emotional well-being, especially if it's a consistent pattern within a relationship.
Key points to consider:
Emotional connection:
For many men, sex is a way to connect deeply with their partner, so denying it can lead to feelings of disconnection and emotional distance.
Impact on self-worth:
Being rejected sexually can make a man feel unattractive or inadequate, impacting his self-esteem.
Resentment buildup:
If sexual withholding becomes a recurring pattern, it can lead to resentment and frustration within the relationship.
Important to remember:
Individual differences:
Every man experiences emotions differently, and the impact of sexual deprivation can vary based on individual personality and relationship dynamics."
For this man, my personality, the importance that sex plays in relationships to all these things...sex is huge and of utmost importance to me.
This issue, and the relationship it has with RSD and feeling rejected, amplifies all the little everyday rejections and makes them even bigger.
In other words, and I truly believe this about myself....
If I am getting regular sex or at least, a modicum or bare minimum, all the little everyday rejections or rejection in general is not that big a problem. I can deal with those and let those go without that much of an issue. More like "ouch" and forget about it right away....they really don't affect me much.
But, with this one, HUGE, BIG DEAL of a rejection...all those other little, non important rejections, now become a big deal and are too much to handle. I get overwhelmed and allow that anger to spill over at times, which is not fair to her.
I thought I had processed this to the point of accepting that no sex wasn't going to be a deal breaker. I still hold to that decision as I feel that my relationship with my SO and all the things that come with it, are more important to me than sex. She, in other words, is more important to me than sex. But I was wrong, I'm not done processing this as this is a much bigger deal than I had initially realized.
I've got more work to do. And I'm going to need help to get me through this as my SO, is not the person to do this with.
That's it. It's all about sex for me.
- Wellbutrin not keeping depression at bay by: J 2 months 2 weeks ago
Just a quick post about treatment. The Wellbutrin I'm on ( 150mg ) was working but now, seems to be losing effectiveness. Going down the depression checklist, I have ALL the symptoms except for suicidal thoughts. Never had those so that's not a concern anyway. I tried upping my dose but that just caused side effects of irritability and insomnia which only makes things worse. I normally don't suffer from insomnia so that's an easy symptom to spot. Going back to work today after vacations and I don't feel much better than when I started. Possibly even worse without the stress from work involved. Another clue.
What keyed me in were the feelings of hopelessness. That's when I went to the depression checklist and realized this is now a problems. I have an appointment with my doctor next week and going to request a psychiatrist evaluation to see what they recommend. Maybe a combination of Zoloft and Wellbutrin since Zoloft ( despite some annoying side effects ) has worked well in the past.
Anyway, depression is a sneaky thing, it can creep up on you if you aren't paying attention to it.
J
- RSD, What is it? by: J 2 months 2 weeks ago
"Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is a condition that causes people to experience extreme emotional pain when they feel rejected, criticized, or fail. It's characterized by exaggerated reactions to rejection, such as:
Having negative self-talk
Having difficulty managing reactions
Having a constant need for validation
Adopting perfectionistic tendencies
Feeling embarrassed or self-conscious
Having low self-esteem and self-doubt
Having sudden outbursts of emotions like anger, tears, and sadness
RSD is often found in neurodivergent individuals, such as those with ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. Some experts suspect that RSD is caused by differences in brain structure that make it difficult to regulate rejection-related emotions."
Here's where I disagree with the (some )experts. I may not be an expert, but I know what I know. And what I know, as the cause, at the source is: the sense of disconnect and not belonging. Belongingness...at the source.
"Belongingness is the human emotional need to be an accepted member of a group. Whether it is family, friends, co-workers, a religion, or something else, some people tend to have an 'inherent' desire to belong and be an important part of something greater than themselves. This implies a relationship that is greater than simple acquaintance or familiarity."
This is the vital need. This is the "thing", or lack of, that causes RSD, not a difference in brain structure.
I'm standing on that. I now see the pathway to reach my SO, despite her own self sabotaging ways that are preventing this from happening. Me too, for that matter. It's what I ultimately want and need from being with her. It's these insecure attachments and defenses standing in the way. Being accepted ( not inspite of ) but simply, for no other reason than "just because".
- burnout or need a timeout? by: Off the roller ... 2 months 2 weeks ago
Trigger warning: I'm in a lot of pain and seething in anger. I'm looking for a vent and hopefully if someone can share their experience and I can feel less alone. That's all - this is not an attack on all ADHDers or even just one (like my spouse) but I am really done with what ADHD symptoms have done to my life in all its many shapes and forms.
.... guys, I'm struggling. Big time. I'm so angry, resentful and all sorts of fired up emotions that I couldn't tell you what is what at the time. I look at my spouse and I'm angry and rightfully worried that I've crossed into contempt and resentment in levels that I dont' know even if I could begin to explain to him, he listens and works on it, could even HE come back from. I've done too much and pushed myself too far and and trying to claw my way back (by setting boundaries or something) but it just doesn't seem to be helping. I feel like I'm treading water and my spouse is throwing stones at me, but I have so much water in my mouth I can't tell him to stop. I'm running a marathon and he's slamming me with steel chairs but it's in the face so I can't communicate that hitting me with a steel chair isn't helping my marathon running time that is important to me.
I've rendered myself voiceless and I have no idea how to even start to talk, scream, cry, shout - anything to get my voice back.
I don't think my spouse ever intended to cause this much hurt and harm, but my god, I really don't like him at all. I want him to go away - I don't care where, but just go. It feels like having some quiet from him and his s**t is the literal only thing that will help me - despite me having therapy booked for tomorrow. I'm exhasted from this, I've dropped so many plates (responsibilities) and things that had to be dropped, prayed that the plate was rubber and that I could pick it back up. But he picks up NOTHING. He does NOTHING. I'm tired of asking and I'm tired of hearing 'could you just do me this favour??', 'could you just do me this solid?..." EVERY DAY but when I ask - it's a No. Flat out. No. How the hell do we non-ADHDers (or over functioning for some of us) even being to use the word NO? I really mean this. I have NO IDEA how to use the word No because I don't believe my using the word NO is taken seriously. It hasn't before, why would now be any different?
I'm relatively healthy and look after myself, but I've got this belly that I'd like to blame on late night snacking but if I'm perfectly honest, it's a stress belly. Becauwse of what I'm dealing with and how much I'm doing that is too much for me. My body is asking for me to stop, say No, rest, etc. But what about when you don't even want to be asked to help your spouse? Your spouses actions on the daily are an actual trigger in your heart EVERY DAY???? Your spouses words are a trigger every day??? What do I even DO with that information that I know? What can I do?!?!?! It rests on the fact that my emotions and well being are based off of someone else doing something - which I know in my brain doesn't work, but by god... my heart feels like if he would just: [insert action here] things would be better.
I can't tell if I'm about to have a breakdown, I've already had one and this is the outcome, or if I need a timeout or what. Or if I need to send my spouse on a time out or break or something. I literally have no idea. I hate what ADHD has done to me - and I don't think I even have it. ANd I'm frustrated that my spouse is not doing his part in all this. That's the crux of it. I'm angry, hurt and resetful because I dont' believe my spouse is pulling his own weight in this relationship/marriage. It's been like this for 4 years. I've had enough. But I don't know what to do with this information except what I'd LIKE to do is blow up at him and tell him so many mean things that I know will absolutely crush him... because then I would feel better that he has an OUNCE of feeling the pain that he has caused me with his lack of. But inside, I'm a good person and I know I couldn't do that to him because I wouuld regret that terribly.
When he speaks, I think he sounds ridiculous. I don't know him anymore and I don't understand him. I don't understand where he comes from or what his reasoning is behind something. i don't trust him. I dont' feel safe with him emotionally. And to be fully honest, I'm not sure I want to work on any of those things. I just want him to go away for a while OR him to step up and start the conversation again about our marriage. I'm tired of this being on me, day in and day out. Every effing day. The responsibilities and weight of all it has just crushed my shoulders.
I don't know even where to beging to address this. I don't know how to address this. I'm in therapy -0 an awesome therapist and I'm TIRED of spending my money talking about my spouse and his impact on me in my safe space. His unmanaged ADHD, anxiety and depression TAKES UP SO MUCH SPACE and it has upset me and angered me to my own health detriment - how to I even begin to take back space?
Do I need a break from him? The relationship? I have no idea. We haven't even gone to couselling.