I'm 57 and my husband is 63...He is hyper, busy, moving all the time, needs very little sleep AND cannot stop talking!!! He has literally no verbal impulse control and over-reacts to everything. I don't know what to do. I want to divorce him, but am leery of starting over---especially financially and as I approach 60. I could care less about finding another partner....I just want peace and rest. I just read Melissa's email message (9/4/24) on resentment and I really do resent the fact that I give more than I get...my pre-frontal cortex is so beat down from having to share it....I so wish my younger self knew what she was getting herself into...I would have run for the hills! We've been married 29 years, and  I feel like a fool. We have a 22 year old daughter and 16 year old son..they are my only treasures/outcomes from this relationship. If I move on, I'd time it to be 2 years (2026) when my son finishes high school and will no longer be a minor. I welcome any advice. I wish there were a divorce checklist with pros and cons already listed for me to use. Thank you.

Hi, new here, new to the ideas about ADHD too!  Currently separated from my husband for no very obvious reason.... he left but can't explain why.  He also says he is 'comfortable' with not understanding what went wrong.  I am devastated and hoping we can reconcile.  He recently mentioned the idea that he might be affected by ADHD, I don't know how much he has looked into this but I've been researching it and the 'parent/child' relationship that develops often between affected and non-affected spouses fits very closely with what we both seem to have experienced.  I'm wondering if the total lack of interest in working on a reconciliation could be an ADHD effect?  I've read and watched a lot of material on couples issues and it seems that often even couples who appear to hate each other are still willing to work on their marriages.  We definitely don't hate each other, there is a lot of warmth between us, but he seems terrified of feeling whatever the bad feeling was he had before he left.  I'd be very happy to receive advice on how to move forwards - at the moment my plan is to play the part of the audiobook on ADHD and marriage where it briefly introduces the feelings that the two halves of a couple tend to experience and hope that it gives him the same sort of lightbulb moment that I had when I heard it.  Thanks in advance for any input!

I am in a really bad mental state right now. I actually called my wedding off at the start of this year due to burn out from my partner's untreated ADHD. Or.. it was treated, he just opted to stop taking his medication and lied about it to me. He's hyper fixated on something going on with work. I've sat and listened to it ad nauseam for coming up on 3  years now. It's burning me out. And yes, I've been in counseling for this. It ended a few months back and now I feel like I'm back at square one because I feel like, I am working on myself and my partner just wants to remain "stuck" or doesn't want to put some of the harder work needed, into this. I am also currently seeking out a new therapist to help me unpack the things I recently discovered.

I recently realized that I probably have ADHD as well and I am in the middle of a diagnosis. I've been learning more about ADHD and we've been working together and both read the ADHD effect on marriage book. Things seemed to be improving. Until things seemed to start to regress. 

I understand that progress is not linear. I've been patient with that for the most part and making mention when I notice progress or thanking him, and making an effort to really work on my own things too and acknowledging when I am doing something that isn't helpful. Recently though, I watched my partner cancel a ton of hobbies and plans to better manage his work/home/life balance and was super grateful. By the end of the month, he had essentially filled up each thing he had canceled, with new events that are part of his interests. I don't go to these events, I have tried a few times and he just leaves me with the kids and ignores me the whole time and I end up feeling even worse. I don't do well with heat and have chronic pain issues which tend to flare up at these events. I'm now permanently exhausted and don't have the energy to do things. There was also the promise of giving me days where he'd watch the kids and I could just relax. He would then end up sleeping in late on those days so I would have to get up with them and then I'd get maybe half a day out of him watching the kids and I'd end up just sleeping because my motivation to do anything by that point was gone.

I've got a broken kitchen cabinet, no trim on my baseboards from when we replaced flooring, a drawer that's broken, and just furniture sitting everywhere because he started helping me move it and then.. I think he got tired or something. I can't remember. One of the times we started moving things and he disappeared and I found him on his computer playing games. And when I asked if we could continue moving the dressers, he got angry and snapped at me. So I've been tripping over a half empty dresser for a good week now since something else keeps coming up. I haven't reached out to have someone else do these things because he keeps saying that he will. ..But he hasn't. At this point, I am absolutely reaching out to someone for help, but I just wanted to clarify why I haven't yet. Also, I don't do well with planning in advance, that's my struggle. So, when he says he will, I don't think to reach out to people and make a plan.

I brought up a while back that I was getting frustrated with all the new events that he'd replaced the old ones with and with the absolute lack of "us" time together. For context, he goes to an event on a weekend and then comes home. The next 3 days, he's too tired to do anything else, and spends most of it sleeping. The next few days are spent getting ready for the next event. And I'm.. at home with our kids slowly burning out and feeling isolated. He takes some of the kids with him sometimes but will NOT take our youngest. She's the hardest one, she does not sleep, she has ADHD as well and she's just.. a lot. We have no family nearby to help out on challenging days and are too broke to afford a babysitter. I am the primary parent for her, and I am exhausted. So anyway, he gets to do what he wants and doesn't really seem to see the disconnect of I am at home essentially keeping everything in order as a way of supporting this. And then he gets home and he's talking to all the people he went to the events with, he's chatting with them about the next one, etc. And I get annoyed because I feel like we are growing apart while he is keeping in contact with these people that he just got to see and strengthening those connections at the detriment of ours. Like we will be sitting and watching a movie and he's texting everyone. Whereas I make an effort to keep my phone nearby but out of reach for me and not go onto it and actually engage with the show that we are watching.

I tried bringing it up, expressing that I feel like we are losing our connection and asked how we could work together to try and find a way to work around this. I get a blank stare and "I don't know". I offer suggestions and get more blank stare. I got mad the one night because we were watching a show together and he was on his phone the whole time, not even paying attention. And then there was something he claimed he told me, but I didn't hear him or remember it so he was frustrated with me over that. It became this whole thing, but I pointed out how I feel like he hates me or doesn't even want to be with me and got this answer of "well that's how you feel, I can't control that." and then when I asked if he even wants to be with me, got told "I refuse to answer this"

So.. long story short, I go upstairs and spend the next period of time in the bathroom just full on ugly crying and feeling like I am dying on the inside. He slept on the couch. During this time, I have noticed that his mood has drastically shifted and he's acting the same as he did back when he first stopped taking his meds and hit a hard depression. I've asked if something is bothering him, I've commented that he seems to be upset about something, and I get nothing.

He had to go help a family member yesterday and I just so happened to notice the date on his pills when I went to take my vitamins. The bottle should have been empty/done months ago but there's still pills left ..He isn't taking his antidepressants again and I'll bet anything he isn't taking the ADHD meds either. 
But he has told me daily that he's been taking this stuff. He hasn't. And now the mood thing makes sense.

What really hurts is I stumbled across some messages he sent to one of his new friends from events. From the night when I was in the bathroom just sobbing and feeling alone and broken. His take on the whole thing is that I tell him I'm supportive of his hobbies but then yell at him for going to them and not spending enough time with me and our kids. Vs. "hey out of the entire month, you had something each weekend, I'm starting to feel lonely, could we keep a weekend for us or carve some time out together?"  And he then claims that I then asked him to PROVE that he doesn't hate me and he's in a lose/lose scenario. And that I was then upstairs angry crying loudly on purpose for everyone in the house to hear it. Vs.. I was devastated and frustrated because I've already been divorced once and I feel like I just found a new version of my ex husband and I'm in the 'things are falling apart" stage again and I feel both stupid and like absolute garbage. 

I am frustrated, I am angry, I am hurt, and I am beyond depressed. And now I'm learning that my partner wants to leave me anyway, and I just I am SO MAD. I feel like I have sacrificed so much trying to work on things, and I got to a point where I was trying to be up front and verbalize concerns in a manner that I was taught in previous marriage counseling, and I feel like it's for nothing. Up until I found the messages, I was really hopeful that couples counseling would help us out. But now I'm thinking that he just wants to keep things the way they are and really doesn't care how it impacts me. 

And now I'm here with no job (I stay at home with the kids), a mortgage, a bunch of half completed home projects, a scary amount of debt, very overweight, and I now have to try to figure out how to do this on  my own apparently. The biggest part I am stressing about is juggling daycare for 4 kids while also working since the jobs I've had in the past, generally have me working until after a daycare or day home is closed. 

Ugh.. I am just so upset and frustrated right now. I feel like I keep ending up with people where I try to give it my all and try to work with them on issues instead of just leaving at the first sign of trouble. And now I'm wishing that I had opted to walk away earlier since it all seems to have been for nothing. 


 

Sorry, this post has been entirely rewritten. I was looking for something, but didn't find it. I'm still just as confused about events as before and there are no new insights really. Why is it so hard to accept the casualties of an ADD divorce?

Today I spoke to someone who has divorced a not diagnosed, but definitely eccentric partner of twenty years. She said it was now obvious all their choices as a couple had been based on her judgment only. With her, her partner had seemed collected and sensible. Without her, he made highly unconventional choices one after the other, seemingly unaware of risks he took, wrecking his economy fast and his relationship with their child. She didn't recognize him. She realized he wasn't who she'd thought at all.

When people split up, is that universal? You suddenly don't know your former partner, since without you they are no longer recognizable.

Who did what in this strange creature called a couple? A slow beast with two heads, none of which necessarily understood who they were attached to. Perhaps their own doings made them oversee what the other head was up to. It sure explains why I could be so surprised in the end.