Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Help me Divorce by: ForestFin 1 month 3 days ago

    Hello all,

    this is my very first message here on these forums but I’ve been an active reader for years and years and have gotten a lot of mental support from all of you guys here (thank you). English is not my first language so bare with me if I write something unclear. My husband is an English native speaker and does not speak my language so the language between us is English. 

    I’ve been together with my husband (who has severe ADHD, childhood traumas and dyslexia) now for about 6 years. We live in my non-English speaking country, he moved here for me. 99 % of that whole 6 years has been filled with unhappiness, walking on egg shells, mentally abusive fights, soul crushing loneliness, weekly nights of crying myself to sleep and so on. First red flags appeared during the first few days together and I hate myself for dismissing those, not trusting my gut and ending up in this situation where I’ve wasted years by thinking it could all change for better.

    I’ve finally realized this year that my husband has strong NPD traits and symptoms, just like his mother, and I’ve decided to finally proceed with divorce.

    Divorcing a narcissist is really, really hard, and I have no idea how I’m going to survive this mentally. We will have to live together a month more, I’m expecting lots of financial fights and at the same time I’m grieving the future I always thought and hoped we would have. I am now 33 years old and without kids, so I’m also fearing that I’ll never have a family of my own when I now leave him.

    I wanted to write this message here to hold myself accountable and to remind myself that I just have to keep calm and walk through the fire and also to receive support to go through this mess. I’ve written myself a list to remind me why I wanted to divorce for those moments when I miss him like crazy and regret my decision.

    During the past 6 years…

    1. I’ve been called a cunt, a bitch, waste of space, fucking psychotic woman, controlling cunt and other lovely names on a weekly basis
    2. He would never join me to any events or parties after the first year of being together, I’d always have to go to couple’s engagements alone even if it was just a casual family dinner. If he rarely joined me, he could suddenly walk out in the middle of it (even one wedding years ago) and leave me absolutely ashamed and everyone filled with confusion
    3. He refuses to speak about anything serious or to do with feelings, the reaction is always “don’t start with me again” or “what the fuck are you now crying about”
    4. He has massive substance abuse problems and has gone through rehab for benzos but also has problems with sleeping pills, painkillers and sometimes beers too. When we’ve travelled, the first stop is always a pharmacy and he buys anything he can get without prescription as the country we live in has quite strict availability with things like codein etc.
    5. Massive financial abuse. He has taken expensive loans for nonsense spending (for pills, take out, nicotine, beer, coffees) and I have paid 90 % of our lives since we got together, also because he has been unemployed most of these years due do covid. He gets really good benefits but never has enough money for things like his own bills, his clothes, food or even gas, as it goes to substances, subscriptions and other bad financial decisions. I’ve had to buy him everything from boxers to winter gear and to hobby equipment “to heal his depression”, it’s like living with a child. As a result I’ve ended up in 11k euros credit card debt and 15k euros car debt myself. He convinced me to buy the car for us saying how “he’d be the happiest man alive if I did so” and how he’d pay half of everything… He hasn’t paid a dime.
    6. I’ve borrowed him about 30k and given around 20k euros by paying his private bills, vacations clothes, cosmetics, hobby equipment etc. I’m never expecting to see that money again.
    7. Constant screaming and mental abuse over mundane things like asking him to take the trash. Slamming things, breaking things like dishes, furniture and damaging wooden floors with tools, crashing glass frames etc.
    8. Very, very unclean: trash, used dishes and clothes everywhere. Sometimes he does get a lovely burst to clean and does an excellent job but often needs 17 reminders to do so. Also moans about the cleaning equipment that I have bought for us but he won’t spend his money on things like hoovers or mops. It’s like my money is ours but his is his.
    9. Complains about the food I cook but never helps planning it, doing groceries or the actual cooking
    10. Does not consider my mental or physical wellbeing in anything, for example I’ve had to start working remote as I just don’t have enough energy to go to the office to work (it takes me 1 hour per way to go to the office). He regularly starts fights about this and has twice even called the 911 to moan about me always working from home, asked the police to remove me from the house?! I have never been as ashamed as then.
    11. We have zero common interests and never spend any time together, max 1 hour a week.I do everything alone, whether it’s home renovating (big or small), home shopping, training, events, amusement parks, nature walks, Christmas decorating, storage organizing, restaurants, movies.
    12. We live in completely different rhythms, he sleeps until at least midday and I start my work day at 7am
    13. He loathes my hobbies and tells me how stupid and worthless they are
    14. Doesn’t make special occasions like anniversaries or birthdays special to me, they usually end up in fights no matter how low I try to set my expectations
    15. He spends most of his awake time in front of the TV and phone, literally at least 15 hours a day screen time
    16. He has a language barrier with my family and as a result he just leaves the room when my family comes over, he has lived in my country for almost 6 years and has attended 3 language courses but always drops out after a few classes
    17. Constant blame shifting, nothing is ever his fault - always mine, this country’s, the welfare system’s, his ex boss’s or whose ever but never his own.
    18. He is always late, usually 15-45 minutes but sometimes even hours and this creates enormous stress for every day living as he has missed lots of important appointments due to sleeping in for hours
    19. I can’t rely on him doing anything he promises, so I do everything alone
    20. He sometimes makes very worrying misogynist and even racist comments, I can’t for example mention that I’m having period cramps or all hell breaks loose and I’ll be attacked for “PMS’ssing” for days in a row.
    21. Sudden rage attacks over anything, whether it’s neighbours, our home, the mess, the traffic, money or jobs
    22. He has been unemployed for years and that has caused him to have a depression which could explain lots of the above but then again he was almost as bad when he still had a very well paying job
    23. I have had to start medications for anxiety and high blood pressure during this relationship and my migraine attacks have increased greatly
    24. He has massive childhood traumas that he just won’t deal with and a narcissistic mother who he has clearly learned all of the above from
    25. He mocks my English skills in fights: “learn to speak” or “I’ve never met another Finn who speaks such lousy English” when I actually speak quite well and have studied in UK too

    Why have I stayed this long then? It doesn’t make any sense but here are a few reasons:

    • when things are good, they are really good
    • when things are good, he has a lovely and very fun personality
    • he would never cheat on me (like my ex did)
    • I love him so much but I think it’s a trauma bond
    • my friends used to tell me that he looks at me like no one they've ever seen look at anyone, with such love. But I don't see that love in a rage fit

    I am not myself anymore, I’m a shadow of what I used to be. Please help me stay true to myself and to get out of this marriage. I have a bank appointment coming at the end of the month and I will then know, whether I’ll be able to buy him out of this home. My income is well enough, but the debts I’ve gained during this marriage might affect the bank’s decision and I’m really scared of that because due to decreasing house prices, selling isn’t an option. We have more mortgage left to pay than what the apartment is worth of.

    If you made it this far, thank you.

  • The unkindness by: Swedish coast 1 month 3 days ago

    Have been wrecking my mind to understand why my ADD ex partner was so unkind in the end. All the terrible things he said and later confirmed. The best explanation for most of his behavior has been that he was trying to avoid fear and shame. With this unkindness, I struggle to make that connection. It was so destructive and hurtful. But what did he gain from it?

    Was he trying to destroy everything completely so there would be no way back for us? Did he want to destroy me? Was it revenge for feeling intimidated by my over functioning?

    Is this what people do when they divorce?

    It's a year ago but people, I'm still heartbroken.

  • Today's thoughts by: AG 1 month 3 days ago

     

    We used to be okay with minor issues, things bothered me but not to this extent.     He used to run every morning, he had structure.  Bedtime together used to be reasonable 9:30ish pm. He'd always text what are you thinking for dinner. He'd be supportive when I had some rough days at work. Can we ever get back there? 

     But life happened- family deaths, employment changes, covid, surgeries, new puppy and now things are exponentially out of control with a diagnosis of ADHD and OCD very apparent 

     

    His time away from home is too much for me

    1) his primary job 10-6

    2) his sports arbitrage hyperfixation NIGHTS & WEEKENDS- it's a side hustle for him and he's starting a business out of it for tax purposes. 

     

    He doesn't exercise like he used to everyday, in fact he doesn't exercise at all and he only eats at midnight now!  Doesn't come to bed till 2am. The structure of running every morning and consistent bedtime were a form of medication for him. I'm sure it helped in regulating his neurotransmitters. His happy go lucky demeanor has turned to irritableness in the presence of stimulants.    I think the OCD is worse on Vyvanse. 

     He doesn't get it.  

     He's always gone.  

    There's no connection, no intimacy and worst of all doesn't even realize this is how I feel despite going to couples therapy!!!!

    I don't know why but I do think he will understand eventually. It's like seeing some glimmer of sunshine on an overcast day.  Sometimes I think maybe he understands, but then he gets lost in his thoughts. 

     

     He thinks surface stuff and I subconsciously learned to mostly hide my loneliness, unhappiness bc he will just get into a bad mood/ take it the wrong way / blame me / get defensive.  It's just easier to "act" fine. I work on giving lots of praise/  positive reinforcement for the effort I do see when it happens, but I don't know if it does anything. 


     

    I understand I cannot go on like this, the question is how long do I wait? I think the problem for a lot of us is that we notice some change for some time but it doesn't stay.  We get hopefull- the uphill of the rollercoaster and then something happens or it gradually goes back to before the change- the drop of the rollercoaster.  It's a cycle of hope and then let down. A person can only take so much.  The problem is having so much invested and telling yourself you love this person and looking back and they are so much a part of your life and identity.    But that is not enough, we need trust and security, the basics needs are not being met.   That book by Matt Fray is right about basic needs consistently not being met. He makes good points.  

     

    Denial

    I think the same about what I read from OffTheRoller if I left him he'd fall into the abyss, he wouldn't be able to breathe, he'd suffer immensely. I think he'd go into a deep depression even become catatonic.  For real, I do think this.  He'd have to move on some how some way.    I also know he'd blame me for ruining his life- everything would be my fault- I'd be the bad guy.....So there is guilt but I know I need to put myself first.   I'm planning to get my own financial advisor and begin seeing my own therapist in a couple weeks. I plan to get and read Boundary Boss suggested by Orlov-.  The question is- how long do I go on, will therapy help us- do I give it a year- reassess next November? Be ready to separate if it comes to no change, not enough change? I can't live my life how I am living it, forever.  

     

    I'm going to bring this up in therapy:

     

    I feel like the sports arbitrage is more important to him than I am, but If he had to choose- he would of course choose me but it would come at a cost.  He'd become extremely resentful.  Things would be worse.  He'd hate me.  

     

    I think about the wives that take action and separate or file for divorce.  What makes them come to that decision and be so sure.  I am a little envious I think.  

     

    Values

    Has anyone else done the values cards? I've done them- the top 3 things for me that reapeatedly show up are: HEALTH. HONESTY.  STRUCTURE.  These are always on my mind every day.  

    I am really struggling with these and how these show up in my life.  His poorly managed ocd adhd very much gets in the way.   

    I'm just curious how others feel about values.  Do you know what you value?  Any insight on your relationships and values.  How you live in alignment with them..... or not? And what, or how things get in the way.  


     

    I deep down do not want a divorce

     But I can also say I do deep down want to be free 

     

    But, I think I would be happy if things could be like they were before, with some structure.  When he worked out every day, slept and ate at normal hours.  And I felt like his priority. We were a team. I once had it, can I get it again? 

     

    Thanks for listening, I feel like I've been rambling.

  • What we lost by: Swedish coast 1 month 1 week ago

    Have been pondering on what was lost when the ADD marriage dissolved. 

    Since I've been ill for quite some time now (it's not serious), I've been alone and incapable of most things I usually do. It hits me then, how an entire world is lost with divorce. The narrative. The stories we used to tell. The memories I'm not certain about anymore, since their meaning may have shifted.

    I believe narrative is so important. When trying to communicate to the children what's important in life, I reach for the narratives I've lived with, only to find they've dissolved. What is loyalty. What is fairness. What is great and transcendent. What is the quality of a person we're drawn to. 

    My children still trust their father and are devoted to him. I don't trust him anymore. But does that mean all the conclusions I've drawn previously can retroactively be dismissed? Was I blind to love him? Or am I blind now, because I've made a final decision?

    Is the truth about love and our relationships ever flowing, so that when we leave a person we lose all knowledge about what has happened and would have happened, had we stayed? Does our will to survive make us categorize and paint signal colors on what was really a million soft shades, changing with the light? Do I make things up? 

    I feel the loss of our union is a tragedy. We shared many thoughts. These are now unattached. Since I have no one to confirm any of it, I find myself disbelieving what used to be well known facts (things are done in certain ways, this is hazardous, this is bad for the environment, this has been disproved, this can be trusted). This, and the jokes and stories, and the family traditions, have all fallen into an abyss of distrust.

    I will need to make myself a new set of beliefs. I don't want them hastily made, though. Sometimes I feel I'm surrounded by people who are certain of almost everything, while I feel the more I learn the less I know. One might need a companion, if nothing else, to make this bearable. I lost the companion. 

    If it were up to me, none of this would have happened. 

  • Effects on tweens when one parent has unmanaged ADHD by: Off the roller ... 1 month 1 week ago

    In case you don't know my story, my spouse got a proper dx of ADHD and intermitted (spelling? but it's definitely chronic) depression earlier last year. However getting the diagnosis has not improved anything in our marriage. From March 2020 to today, it's been one roller coaster after another that I didn't sign up to be on. Through all this, we have a 'tween' (11 year old) boy who is an only child and has had a front row seat to all of this. And now, he's showing signs of people pleasing, suppression of emotions, and many other traits that I, myself, are trying to combat through therapy and self care work. It became clear to me the last year that I married the equivalent of my mother. A mother who definitely had bipolar and was chaos growing up. Just utter chaos is the only way to describe my upbringing.  And now my reality is that I have a spouse who triggers me every day with his choices and behaviours - some come from the ADHD, most come from bad habits that have developed from the pandemic and having unmanaged depression and anxiety. 

    But this isn't a post about my spouse. Instead, I'm feeling so guilty about some of the personality traits that my son is showing. He's also showing signs of ADHD and I know in my heart, at this exact moment, I don't have anything in my tank to support my son because I gave it away to my spouse - who has exhausted and frustrated me to no end - and my spouse has also TAKEN so much from me. 

    As a mom, I know I WILL find the reserves and I WILL make the hard decisions when it comes to supporting my son to get him assessed and try to navigate what it will mean going forward... but dang... does anyone here have any insight as to what this road looks like in 5 or 10 years for my son? I'm worried he's now officially f***ked up and those generational traumas that I am now aware of, took hold and got me too and I didn't even realise it and I've now passed them on. 

    If I'm being truthful, my biggest fear is that my son will grow up to be my husband. And some poor female in 15 years' time will be in the same position as I am - miserable and lonely and fighting for something that should have never been her fight in the first place.  There are glimmers of hopeful moments for my son, he's so kind, empathetic, helpful, artistic, smart, the list goes on. And I grew up as an only child of a single parent mom with undiagnosed bi polar/manic depression - whereby my son who is an only child, has had me to step up and BE THERE in so many ways that my husband just isn't/hasn't/isn't capable of. These last 4 years I have tried to over-function as the parent that I didn't have growing up. Maybe this will bite me in the butt at some point, maybe my son will see this in time that I did the best I could. One of my fears is that he will turn around in 5-10 years and say to me 'why did you let this go on like this? why didn't you leave?' or even worse 'why didn't you protect me?'. The thought of that just makes me crumble inside. 

    I guess I'm looking to see if anyone is further along in this type of journey with their child - having a parent with ADHD and how it's affected them growing up. Has anyone gotten insights from their older kids about what it was like for them? 

    Also, does anyone have any resources, i.e. books, podcasts, children's books, etc that I can look at and possibly share with my son or help me to navigate how to make some changes? 

  • Struggling by: OneWorthyOne 1 month 1 week ago

    Hello, I am new here, and I came to this website because I am struggling greatly with my marriage. I don't think my partner, who has ADHD, has any idea about how difficult this is for me. We've been married for 24 years. He was first diagnosed in 2019, but then Covid struck and everything went out the window. He finally revisited the diagnosis in 2022 and found a therapist to work with as well as a psychiatrist who could prescribe medication. I've been doing my own work and I've come to a point where I just don't see how this relationship is possible anymore. His ADHD makes him defensive and unreachable, and I've been trying for 24 years to be heard. We have a parent/child relationship. I am always the bad guy. Everything I say about my emotions is thrown back at me. Now that I see the situation for what it is, I feel hopeless that there is no way to fix it. I've been trying to do the work for both of us, I don't feel confident that he has the ability to stay with the work and see his therapist consistently. I'm shutting down. We have two beautiful children. I'm trying to find community because I feel so alone with this. Thank you

  • A Failing Marriage & ADHD by: cheffluke 1 month 1 week ago

    Hey all,

    Just joined today.  Came to the realization that my ADHD (which was diagnosed last year) has been a huge issue in how I've handled arguments and so many other aspects of my marriage and now we are at a point where we are separated.  Our situation is that we co-signed a lease together on a little studio apartment and one of us spends a week at the apartment while the other is at home with the kids, and then we swap the next week.

    This is week 2 of this and I've been at home with the kids struggling quite a bit.  Communication is minimal, limited to essential and kid related communication.  She scheduled a new Marriage Counselor for us, which I was thrilled to see, but I've also heard that often, unless the counselor has experience working with couples where ADHD is involved, it will usually just not work out well.

    I want to be a better man for myself, my children, and my wife because they are my world, and it's so hard to feel so helpless right now.  I don't want to be that husband that doesn't take action and gives up something so amazing and incredible.

    Any and all advice as we work through this part of our journey would be amazing.

  • A Difficult Situation by: J 1 month 1 week ago

    There's noway I can make this short, because it involves a lot of gray area and it involves my intuition which is not a tangle thing. There's also parts to this that involve a lot of my own past experience and life lessons both, for myself and other people, and, some things that might fall under the category of values which are not always definitely "right" or "wrong" but more, to each their own. This includes my own potential cognitive distortions, insecurities and negative past experiences.  Potential for assumptions, jumping to conclusions, not enough information,   misinterpretations and insecure attachments. 

    I'm sharing this now after the fact, for the purpose of just sharing it.  In case this might help someone else get past something like this. I think I managed this pretty well. In fact, I did it, without losing my cool or having an explosive outburst. This time, it was my SO who had a melt down but I managed to remain calm ( enough ) not to completely lose my composure in a potentially, highly charged situation. That was a huge success on my part which is why the outcome became resolved. That's all I wanted....resolution.

    Backstory necessary. So here we go.

    My SO has shared a lot about her past with me. She was very open about her past in terms of sex life and men she's been with. She also expressed how, most of her life, she felt like a wall flower, was always a little over weight and boys or men never seemed very interested in her. She was married early ( 21 ) to her first husband and had a few boyfriends between her divorce and ger second husband. 

    When she divorced her second husband...she lost a lot of weight . She did, what I would call, a total make over just prior to her divorce. It was quite a dramatic change.  As she told me..."for the first time in my life, I was hot ! "  I still think she is...but from seeing the pictures of her at this time, she really was stunning. Eye catching for sure. She changed the way she dressed, her hair...pretty much, a totally change from her past...a tattoo...everything.  Almost like a mid-life crisis for women you might say? And....she suddenly found men, were now desiring her and paying attention to her. As she said...for the first time in her life. 

    She went on, online dating sites and had lots of interest. For a period of about 5 years...she dated non stop with a number of men. Seemingly....with lots of ongoing interest. Finally,  she became dissolutioned because she found most of these men lied and only wanted sex. She was actually interested in more but her insecure attachment style...also fit having short term relationships before they became too serious ( fear of intimacy ) on an emotional level. Sex in this case...came first and right away and was more casual.  The same as it was for me...but only after having a long distance relationship over the phone. I also...was not interested in casual sex and wanting more which is probably why we're together. 

    Having said all of this. Online where we met....she had plenty of male interest.  We were Facebook friends for over a year before I ever said a word to her. I was just a lurker who admired her from afar...who quietly had a crush on her. 

    But part of my reasoning for not saying anything was because of all her male attention. She was and still is striking. You could not...not notice...guys comments, and the not so subtle messaging being made. It was pretty clear to me, the reason why they were there. Simply put, they were attracted to her, and making it known. I joked with her later, about the "male harem" she had . I also noticed that she seemed to welcome the attention.  In other words ..she liked it.  Back to : " for the first time in my life...I felt desired and attractive." It was an ego boost...and it felt good for the first time in her life in that way. I totally get all of this. I completely understand based on my own experience with this except....I had this experience in my early 20's. She was just now experiencing it....in her 50's. Big difference there.

    As time went on, I would follow her, and watch these guys interact with her. There were a few who were really making themselves known ....like, "the regulars". And one of these "regulars" was her ex-husband who, as I found out later, completely ignored her when she gained weight and had a "thing" for his younger yoga instructor who was all fit and trim. He made no bones about this "thing" he had to my SO. I thought when I heard that..."what a complete asshole" ( important to note my initial impression )

    But now, here is her ex, who's with a new women...following his ex around on Facebook...but after she's had the makeover and lost weight. Now ...he's interested but he's with someone else. "What a total dick" is my opinion of that. Not just a dick...but hes being lead around by his penis, and is lusting after her. The same goes with these other guys...they're all lusting after her because she's now "hot".

    And how do I know this? Because I'm a guy. I did the same thing in my twenties when I was single and dating women  ..ultimately for sex. I'm hypersexual or at least was. I'm no longer like I was 40 years ago.  And speaking for myself . I was not with anyone or had a girlfriend.  I didn't want a girlfriend and I only wanted sex. And I was really only interested in women who wanted only sex. I was not trying to deceive anyone...I made this very clear from the beginning.  Unlike  the men, that my SO encountered when she told men she was only interested in a long term relationship, these men told her the same ..but lied in the end. That's why she finally gave up on online dating.  That's when I came along, and I wasn't looking for anything more than to make friends and get to know people  My intentions were not sex, and her intentions were the same with me yet, she was still open to more, with the right person.

    So, I'm watching her ex and these guys who were clearly lining up to get her attention and making it clear from their behavior....they were acting like men in a singles bar. Also to note: regulars meant they kept showing up...on going...almost every day.

    I know this behavior. Even though I never could do that ( too shy )  ...I saw it done including by some of my friends who were very successful with women. Ironically,  they always had girlfriends...but were also, always cheating on them. It was on going....a chronic issue with these guys. I even covered for them a couple times to keep from getting caught.

    So, I'm very familiar with this kind of behavior, simply from association with my friends and myself doing it on some level. I know what it looks like, I know what it feels like, and I can regonize certain "tell tails " or freudian slips, that tell me what their intentions really are.

    But being new to Facebook and social media at first. I would immediately get my first impression, from all the beautiful women on there and the guys who'd follow them ( and the things they'e say ) that there are tons....not just a few...but tons of horny old married guys just following these women around and private messaging them....pretending to be interested in them as just "friends". And me going..."yeah right" . Nice try Buckwheat...try again.

    So now, I can tell you what happened.

    Before I started getting really interested in my SO. There's one of "these guys" whos showing interest. He was one of the "regulars " on her page. As I hear, my SO was also communicating with him on private messaging. She had also admitted to him she liked him and was attracted to him....and even offered to meet with him in person if he was ever in town. She was also on the dating website at the time, and was openly dating other men.  This was before me.

    This guy is also married ( 35 years ).... another one of those "horny old married guys " following beautiful women around on social media...lusting after them....just being "their friend". My first thought, once again...." do you think his wife is aware of this and ...if she was....do you think she'd be very happy with it? " ( duh )

    This is where it gets confusing. People have open marriages, swingers, wife swapping...you never know what's okay....and not okay? Anything goes and does. For me, this is "not okay" so that makes it easy. It's pretty black and white with me. I've done my time with all of that years ago. I figured out what I like and didn't like long before I was married the first time.  And my honest feelings towards this are very judgmental !! It's true...I definitely don't have a high opinion of this behavior nor...would I engage in it. This belongs in the "fantasy " category and stays there....even if it were ever entertained. 

    So when I see this happening on social media...I have my own rather strong opinions of it and mostly, I don't respect it but who am I to judge? For me, it crosses the line.

    Anyway, this married guy tells my SO that it wouldn't be a good idea for him to meet her at her house. Because he's married and that would look good.

    Yes...but only because he lusts after her and knows where that would go....already!! That doesn't mean: no, I'm not interested. It means....yes, I'm very interested and think your hot !! Just like the other members of "the male harem" my SO had.  And to this day....nothing has changed! 

    So when this guy calls...and says he's in town and he'd like to meet "us" in person...right off the bat....my intuition is doing summersaults. Not only do I not really respect this guy...I also don't respect what he's doing by continuing to message my SO, ask her to be part of his chat group ( but not me ) and continue on behaving as he's always behaved as if, I don't exist and somehow, he didn't notice we are together. I call bullshit on that. 

    But we're just friends?

    I finally figured out what my intuition was telling me. It happened after this guy stopped by. He's a perfectly nice and did nothing inappropriate.  We actually got along great and he was the perfect guest. I could easily call him my friend and I fully believe he has no intentions on crossing the line to attempting to have sex with my SO. As he indicated when he had the chance, it's not a good idea, I'm married....that's his boundary.  I believe this...but that's his boundary not mine. That's the problem I was having and it was really making angry and upset.

    This is where, there was no way I was going to bring this up without it being a problem. Without a doubt in my mind, my SO is trustworthy and I have no suspicions that she has any ulterior motive with this guy or anyone else. She actually just went to the doctor about her sex drive and found, the estrogen they've been giving her has a testosterone blocker in it which only makes it worse on top of a low dose, antidepressants, Adderall, veginal atrophy  and a yeast infection that's been going on for months.  She really does have no desire for sex. 

    He said something while he was here that I picked up on immediately.  He said, " You're a lucky man". My intuition went off the charts.

    You're a lucky man translates to: You're lucky to have what you have. You have something I desire and are lucky to have it. 

    In other words....he covets what I have which is my SO. He knows he can't have it, but he wants it none the less.

    "The Hebrew word translated "covet" is chamad (חמד) which is commonly translated into English as "covet", "lust", and "strong desire.". Bingo

    I could feel it. And it's a disrespect to me to bring that into my house where I live.

    And the same with all these "horny married old men" following beautiful women around on Facebook and lusting after them while verbally engaging with them all under the guise of "normal internet behavior ".

    It's only normal because of the internet and the fact that so many guys do it makes it somehow okay? Porn, is a much more honest, forthright thing to do. Everyone knows what the guy is doing and it's not a secret.  Erotic images of strange women having sex who are paid actresses are NOT the same as interacting with real women,  going over to their house to meet in person while their significant other ( or spouse ) is standing watching this going...I call bullshit.  I know exactly what your doing even if you don't!!

    So looked up affairs of different kinds and ran across a term I'd never heard of. ...

    "Micro - cheating".  Aha! That's what these guys are doing!! It's the first step in the many steps of actually getting to cheating. It's considered a "grey area" because some don't think anything wrong with it. Well, some don't mind if their spouces swap partners or have open marriages either....but I do. That's my boundaries...even if it's not someone else. It's not mine to judge....but it is mine to establish a boundary that I'm comfortable with and this horny old married man , who I don't respect for micro-cheating online with my SO ( and other women )....now,  just crossed a second line by bringing that into the house where I live. And I don't care if he would never have sex...he's cheating in his heart and having a covert emotional affair. Even if that's not true...he's still lusting after my SO....wishing he could.

    And, it seems really obvious to me and it was really making me angry!  Beat it, asshole!! You're pissing around my tree and marking your territory...pushing my boundaries and pushing me in the process !

    So now, how do I have a conversation like this with a partner who has ADHD ? It was a no win situation but I did it anyway. Sometimes ...these things need to be done.

    At the end of the day....after she took offense, after she felt like I was accusing her, after she didn't agree with me, after she accused me of being jealous and possessive, after her getting mad and yelling, after her telling me I needed help, after accusing me of being controlling and after me promising to drop it...after her telling me a few things I didn't know which helped.....she calmed down and after giving her space....she seemed to let it sink in and maybe made a little sense to her.

    I told her " I'm not jealous, I  just don't trust men...because I am one. I just don't think you see what I see." That's the truth. I definitely have my trust issues but this time...it has nothing to do with her. She didn't cross my boundary line...he did.  And I made no demands of her that she do anything different.  I just wanted her to know how it made me feel 

    At the very least, she understands my boundary and why, and how I feel about it. That's all I wanted in the first place.

     

  • When Hyperfocus Hijacks a Relationship by: AG 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Understanding and Isolation

    I can deeply relate to the feelings of grief, resentment, anger, sadness, and loneliness described in this support group. This has been my reality for years. It's hard for anyone to truly understand unless they've experienced it firsthand. While I've tried talking to friends and family, they can't relate, and I've learned that venting to them doesn't help. Past therapy for myself has been frustrating, with therapists suggesting the relationship is unhealthy without offering real solutions. This group feels like the only place where I'm truly understood.

    The Impact of ADHD

    My husband was recently diagnosed with moderate combined ADHD at 44, though we suspected it years ago. We've been together since 2010, and thankfully, we chose not to have children or our relationship would not have lasted.  Although he says he recognizes how his ADHD affects our relationship and participates in the self study course I'm not sure that he truly does. Probably some denial or an inability to see big picture?  Although many ADHD symptoms are present daily, the primary struggle is with hyperfocus and distraction, which manifests in obsessive behaviors like sports betting. [So you may need to google arbitrage sports betting] but this is what his latest hyperfocus has been on.  He recently tried comparing it to  being an olympic athlete. The time and dedication and joy it brings him.   Despite financial stability, he spends countless hours on his phone, laptop, or at casinos. This obsession, fueled by his ADHD, has taken a toll on our relationship. Let me explain here he does not lose money but has found a way to make money through arbitrage bets.  He thrives on all aspects of arbitrage betting.  He's spoken with tax attorneys negotiated with betting platforms reps.  It's like a game for him and he's mastered it.  I'm not happy to say he has made thousands of dollars but it's not about the money for me it's about the lack of connection. I feel vulnerable to tell people this in fear they will think, "well...if he's making money you shouldn't be complaining"

    The problem is there was and will continue to be this hyperfocus behavior - it's also been present in other forms from early on- video games, stock market trading, specific eating habits and exercise regimes. I just didn't know it had a name.

    The Emotional Toll

    As Melissa points out I was once his hyperfocus at the beginning but now I often feel like an unwanted obstacle in his life, interrupting his time that he wants to spend  arbitraging.  While he's a kind and generous person, his constant focus on his obsessions leaves little room for connection. The lack of emotional support and understanding has led to frustration, anger and loneliness on my end.

    Seeking Solutions

    We're currently undergoing marriage counseling, though it hasn't been particularly helpful, but at least it's time spent together. I'm hoping that Melissa's courses  can shed light on effective strategies for managing ADHD and improving our relationship.  We are on lesson 7 but we listen at the faster pace and I feel like he just wants to get thru it to "pacify" me.  My favorite part is the Q& A from other people. I think it explains and shows him how other couples' problems are exactly like ours.

    'm grateful for this community's support and understanding. 

    Does anyone else experience this kind of hyperfocus with their ADHD spouse as a top symptom? 

    I've struggled calling this behavior an addiction, an obsession or hyperfocus.

  • When Hyperfocus Hijacks a Relationship by: AG 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Understanding and Isolation

    I can deeply relate to the feelings of grief, resentment, anger, sadness, and loneliness described in this support group. This has been my reality for years. It's hard for anyone to truly understand unless they've experienced it firsthand. While I've tried talking to friends and family, they can't relate, and I've learned that venting to them doesn't help. Past therapy for myself has been frustrating, with therapists suggesting the relationship is unhealthy without offering real solutions. This group feels like the only place where I'm truly understood.

    The Impact of ADHD

    My husband was recently diagnosed with moderate combined ADHD at 44, though we suspected it years ago. We've been together since 2010, and thankfully, we chose not to have children or our relationship would not have lasted.  Although he says he recognizes how his ADHD affects our relationship and participates in the self study course I'm not sure that he truly does.  Although many ADHD symptoms are present daily, the primary struggle is with hyperfocus and distraction, which manifests in obsessive behaviors like sports betting. [So you may need to google arbitrage sports betting] but this is what his latest hyperfocus has been on.  Despite financial stability, he spends countless hours on his phone, laptop, or at casinos. This obsession, fueled by his ADHD, has taken a toll on our relationship. Let me explain here he does not lose money but has found a way to make money through arbitrage bets.  He thrives on all aspects of arbitrage betting.  He's spoken with tax attorneys negotiated with betting platforms reps.  It's like a game for him and he's mastered it.  I'm not happy to say he has made thousands of dollars but it's not about the money for me it's about the lack of connection. I feel vulnerable to tell people this in fear they will think, "well...if he's making money you shouldn't be complaining"

    The problem is there was and will continue to be this hyperfocus behavior - it's also been present in other forms from early on- video games, stock market trading, specific eating habits and exercise regimes. I just didn't know it had a name.

    The Emotional Toll

    As Melissa points out I was once his hyperfocus at the beginning but now I often feel like an unwanted obstacle in his life, interrupting his time that he wants to spend  arbitraging.  While he's a kind and generous person, his constant focus on his obsessions leaves little room for connection. The lack of emotional support and understanding has led to frustration, anger and loneliness on my end.

    Seeking Solutions

    We're currently undergoing marriage counseling, though it hasn't been particularly helpful, but at least it's time spent together. I'm hoping that Melissa's courses  can shed light on effective strategies for managing ADHD and improving our relationship.  We are on lesson 7 but we listen at the faster pace and I feel like he just wants to get thru it to "pacify" me.  My favorite part is the Q& A from other people. I think it explains and shows him how other couples' problems are exactly like ours.

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