Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Is ADHD underdiagnosed? by: Swedish coast 1 month 1 week ago

    I'm reflecting on the amount of real life current stories I hear about marriages turning out more or less like mine, acquaintances, same age span, with undiagnosed but suspiciously alike husbands. Silent avoidant men with some eccentricity, depression, anxiety and little visible action about them. Frustrated sad stressed out women. 

    There is an often told story about men who leave their wives for younger women. But we know the vast majority of marriages end when women ask for divorce. Both patterns seem to speak the same language of disappointment. A woman wanting to get out at all costs. A man craving acceptance from a woman who doesn't know him.

    Maybe I'm way off the mark here with anecdotal evidence, but I sense a universal theme. How underdiagnosed might this condition be? They now believe it might be as much as 15% affected boys and 11% affected girls in my country. Some people don't qualify for diagnosis later as adults. But still. It's a lot.

    My heart aches for both spouses in this painful dynamic. 

     

  • "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling by: BeyondConfused 1 month 1 week ago

    I've decided I am "done" with my partner. I've been trying, but he isn't taking his meds and he isn't communicating anymore. He is going to therapy, but I don't know what it is that he is working on. He started seeing a psychologist over stress at his job. The stress is partly because he decided to say something impulsive at work which got him into trouble. Except now, they are holding him accountable more regularly, and as a result, he is reacting to it and doing what he can to shift the blame back to them. I do know they talk about personal things, but I'm not sure how much. I did express excitement and support when he brought home information on DBT though.  It's been a few years now, and I'm burnt out. I can't do it anymore. Our finances are a mess, my mental health has tanked and I keep getting pushed into a parent role. Even when I find ways to shift out of that role, it feels like he keeps trying to put me back into that role. Initially, I was able to bring up how his actions were impacting the entire household and he would listen and interact with me and we would work together collaboratively to fix things. But now, he has withdrawn to the point he lives on his computer or phone or watching TV. And if he's not doing that, he's out with friends and I am left at home with our kids. 

    A while back, I told him I noticed that he was no longer taking his meds. I wanted to see why this was the case and maybe gain some insight into things but he refused to talk about it. He got very defensive and angry when I pointed out that before I was even aware that he wasn't taking the medication, I had a suspicion because I noticed his mood change and he became a lot more abrupt and unhappy. He tried to make it into a fight (I think) and brought up how there were more factors at play in that. Probably meaning me.. I acknowledged that might be the case, but refused to take the bait. I just pointed out that I didn't think stopping antidepressants along with his ADHD meds cold turkey was wise and I wasn't going to enable that. I let him know I did not approve but obviously can't force him to take them. I also let him know that I was aware that our dynamic is currently strained and that probably doesn't help, but that taking medication isn't helping either of us. 

    The complete lack of response and the repeated attempts at making things out to be my fault, and even now, his friends reaching out to me when he forgets to reply to them, has been the last straw for me. I told him from the start that I do not need a partner, but I want someone that I can share my life with. And this isn't it. This is me now barely having time for myself and starting to see the negative impact it is having on my health. 

    What really hurts though is when I was expressing frustration to a good friend of mine. All of us have ADHD just for reference. I was trying to ask my friend for resources I may need to access upon becoming a single parent. And when she asked why, I told her a lot of things that I have kept to myself. I expressed feeling "stuck" and unable to talk to anyone because I don't like airing my personal issues out to others and I don't have any friends or family that live nearby as it is. I mentioned how I knew he'd been talking to a friend about how unhappy he is and how he's contemplating leaving because he thinks I'm being unreasonable and making all of these demands of him. I'm not, I've merely been trying to get the bare minimum from him. And she then proceeded to tell me quite bluntly that she doesn't think that I'm a good partner. That she watched us interact at an event together and that she would not want to be in a relationship with me based on how I was treating him. I was apparently using a very rude tone and acting unreasonably.

    I don't see it that way. I was actually shocked by the comment. I know she yelled at me when I politely pointed out thathat he had interrupted her and told me "we all have ADHD, we're going to interrupt each other constantly, it's normal, don't do that". Which I let go at the time. But that's something we have both been working on with one another. My partner and I talk excessively and have a bad habit of interrupting one another and not noticing and then the interrupted party gets upset when they finally get a chance to talk much later. So we do point it out. I'm never rude about it, I find polite and mindful ways to do it. He always apologizes and thanks me for pointing it out. Just as he points it out when I do it. Anyway, I expressed surprise at being told that I was horrible to him the whole weekend and I did point out that there were things that had happened before she and her husband had arrived that had caused frustration on my end and where I could potentially see that my tone may have not been the best. And pretty much got told "he has ADHD and so he does things a certain way due to those traits. That's a horrible reason for ruining a weekend where he chose to spend time with you" 

    And at this point I just changed the subject. I felt absolutely hurt and also very annoyed. I also have ADHD!! I also have very rigid thought patterns sometimes. I find it very easy to "dig in" when arguing and just argue for the sake of arguing and a lot of the time, I struggle with getting up the motivation to do day to day tasks. Yet, I have found ways over the years to improve this or to learn how to go with the flow when my rigid thought patterns are causing issues. It is by no means easy. It's a day to day struggle for me. My partner flat out ignored me when we went camping until my friends arrived. He was on his phone most of the time and expressed very little desire in coming and joining us at the lake or anything else. Before my friends got there, he got mad because the tent he wanted to set up would not work. When I asked if we could just use the tent I had insisted we bring, he then revealed to me that he wasn't sure that he had packed it. It turned out he had, but at this point, he opted to just sit and scroll on his phone. I tried asking questions to see if there was a solution to make the tent that he had brought work. There wasn't but he got annoyed when I was asking questions to figure out why it wouldn't. When I tried talking to him or letting him know I was sorry that the one tent would not work, I just got ignored and snapped at.  When my friend and her husband arrived and realized they had forgotten a few things he quickly jumped up and volunteered to take her husband to get said items. It felt like any time there was an opportunity to leave, he did. I was left chasing our kids around and he was either on his phone or else he was interrupting me and talking about himself at the event. I felt very ignored and as if we had come to this event separately. So I am aware that there were a few times when I felt burnt out, that I would tell him that he was going and taking a kid to the bathroom, or that he was going to help with something. Instead of asking and getting ignored. Instead of nagging. It was more "our daughter needs to use the bathroom, I'm going to send her with you since I am in the middle of washing the dishes" 

    But this has gotten me to thinking. At what point are certain things the ADHD and when is it enabling someone to continue behaving in a problematic manner? I know that sometimes I can not for the life of me manage to make food due to executive dysfunction. And in those scenarios, I am also aware that while I might be fine with not eating, that I need to feed my kids. So I either see if my partner is able to cook, or if I really can't seem to force myself to prepare food, I look for leftovers or "quick" meals that I wasn't originally planning on making but that are easy enough to make. And when all else fails, I can order take out. I don't always have issues with preparing food. I've learned that if I feel more motivated than usual, then I make extra meals that i can store for the days where I get overwhelmed by the whole process. 
    I set timers, I have reminders in my phone for things, and I find ways to work with my ADHD to try make my life better.

    If I was to just decide I was never preparing food again because of my struggles and my partner took that out fully and didn't expect me to ever lift a finger when it comes to that, I would view that as enabling. I would see it as being problematic because it is letting me know that it is ok to not have to even attempt to try get over the mental blocks I sometimes experience when it comes to making food. I wouldn't have to challenge myself to grow at all and I would be relying on someone else to solve a problem for me. I'd see it a bit differently if we had an arrangement where he did the cooking and I took over let's say doing the dishes or some other item that he struggles with that I can do. Because then we are both contributing towards things and helping one another. But if I am opting to just sit around doing nothing and expect him to take care of all the aspects of cooking, I feel that would be problematic. 

    Sorry this is so long, I just really needed to get this out and vent. I honestly thought my friend would be a bit more empathetic towards me. Instead, it feels like she is using the "we have ADHD" thing as an excuse for behavior that can sometimes be hurtful to others. My partner has ADHD, I'm not expecting perfection from him. But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to at least try to work within his limitations to be a bit more of an attentive partner. Him not taking his medications and just sitting glued to a screen for the majority of the day or else disappearing off to hang out with friends while the pile of projects we have at home need fixing keep on piling up, is problematic. When his issues that he keeps leaving start spilling over and impacting everyone else in the house, it's an issue.

    At what point do we look at something and say "ok, this is the ADHD, I shouldn't be getting so upset over this" and at what point is that just an excuse and we become enablers to problematic behaviors? 

  • Coming Full Circle, Paradym Shift, Acceptance is Key by: J 1 month 1 week ago

    This might be a long post, so for now, I'll just jot down a few thoughts.  This is my personal journey to healing. It's the only way to do what I need to do, in order for "us" to make it.

    5 stages of grieving

    "There is a road, no simple highway
    Between the dawn and the dark of night
    And if you go, no one may follow
    That path is for your steps alone."

    Robert Hunter

    I'm beginning to see the light.

     

    J

  • I don’t know how to deal with this. by: Davy 1 month 1 week ago

    About two years ago, i started dating a woman who was in the process of getting the diagnose of adhd. The dating process was sometimes difficult because we didn’t see each other that much. She was, most of the time, too busy in her mind and overwhelmed with everything. After a year of dating we got official. We still didn’t see each other that much, but once a week was a big step up. She was still struggling but we had it good together. The last two months were more difficult. She was more agitated and overwhelmed at times. This also got to me. Sometimes I thought I wasn’t good enough and I talked myself down because of it. Just six days before she broke up with me, she told me how happy she was with me. That she loved me and was happy I was still with her even when she wasn’t that nice anymore the last period. She was saying that I was too good for her and I deserved better. After this I was devastated, because I was feeling that I wasn’t good enough and I told her this. We got into a discussion and in the beginning she was understanding but then she turned around and said that she didn’t know what to do anymore and was having doubts. After a few days we met and she was broken. She was so overwhelmed with everything and said that she didn’t want to give us up, but couldn’t do it anymore. She was having troubles just to function in everyday life and tasks. Since we have broken up we haven’t seen each other, sometimes a conversation through text. And that has been a rollercoaster. Sometimes she tells that we’ll have to see what the future holds for us and seems to be open to trying again in the future. But sometimes she gives warnings like that she doesn’t want to give me false hope, that we can’t be sure that we’re coming back together. And that she first have to do her therapy and wants me te be able to move on. So she never really closes the door, but at times she seems to be overwhelmed, or panicking over the situation. For me it’s difficult because I want to give it a chance in the future, knowing that even then we can’t be sure that it will work out. But I’m willing to give it a shot. Any tips or whatsoever are more than welcome because I simply cannot get a grasp of this situation. I feel powerless and I’m afraid of losing the love of my life indefinitely.

  • A Story, or Seeking Courage to Leave by: y0gi 1 month 1 week ago

    I met him off a website. He flew from the Arctic to Florida to meet me...romantic, or crazy? Or..just ADHD. I was so naiive. I liked him. Yea, he was strange and seemed narcissistic. I thought he was just nervous and/or awkward and looked beyond. And so we were off. Shortly thereafter, he moved from the Arctic, without an invitation, to move in. He was neurotic, not terribly creative, on the spectrum. The chemistry was good, we had so much fun. My intuition was quietly nagging: "he's not right for you." As an aspiring herbalist, he was a doctor; I ate healthy organic foods and lived sustainably, and he ate...whatever he wanted and flew all over the world whenever he wanted. Within six months, he handed me antibiotics he had in his bag. I thought I'd been roof-ied, and was extremely paranoid the next day...I'd fallen into a deeeeep sleep and could barely move my heavy limbs. I never asked what kind of antibiotics they were but said, "Don't EVER give me those again. My body does NOT like that." Six months later, we explore places to live and move to, and agree to explore, think, and revisit for a move in 6 months! I'm still in love.

    A year later. An engagement ring on my finger. Farther down the wrong path. I had a deep deep intuition to end it, and fast. Then, I got an infection, which I know now what secret herbs to use for...but he freaked out and gave me antibiotics. Three doses later, I was catatonic. I couldn't walk (I ran 5 miles and worked as a landscaper daily, and had energy to spare). I couldn't read, or speak beyond a 5 year old's vocabulary. I became suicidal. These are all common side effects (!!!) of these antibiotics. He flew me to LA to get stem cell therapy from a doctor who was paralyzed after taking the same drugs, and healed himself with stem cells. I lived in LA for 6 months, ripped from family and community, to heal. They were the same fluoroquinolone (cipro, levaquin, moxafloxacin) antibiotics that he gave me a year prior. But. ADHD. He didn't remember. I needed to be done. I needed to be healed. I didn't want to regret decisions from my altered mental state so I stayed. It took me over a year to recover. I'm STILL not the same, and doubt I ever will be. The physical, emotional spirtitual journeys have been....painful, expansive, lonely. So so lonely. Even when he's with me, he's never really here.

    Throughout this time, he visited me only twice in Los Angeles. He threw himself into work. He kindly paid for very expensive treatments. But avoided me. I was, suddenly, alone, in LA, with needles in my veins daily from holistic practitioners who actually knew how to help. He threw himself into applying for a different hospital residency. I was alone. And he refused to believe the "alternative" therapies were helping, even though he saw my twitches and convulsions stop with an IV of glutathione. So arrogant.

    Why did I stay? It's 7 years later. We've moved two more times. My life was so full before I met him, with friends and family and community! When I have a job, I'm encouraged to quit and/or get the hostile reactions when I'm not free to travel. But when I don't have a job, he gets frustrated because I can afford much less. He needs more "support," like cleaning the garage or his trashed enormous room. But anytime I touch something I get yelled at. Self esteem, crumbling. Since we met I have suggested dietary interventions. Did he ever listen? Despite my lifetime of research and study of these topics? Naaah, because he's a doctor and they learn "EVERYTHING" in med school? Or because of the ADHD? Or because of his frail male ego?? The unintentional gaslighting: "I'll XYZ." "I never said that!" The reaction sensitivity. The moodiness. The addiction to the screen. The crashing of MY health: how many times I went out to eat with him when I've developed food allergies, just so he could get his HIT of dopamine. How many MORE times, yes MORE times, he's encouraged me to take antibiotics!!??!! How many times I've cried in utter loneliness and despair!

    I thought I met someone who I could share a full life with. A good man, a good provider, a solid partner. He provides but not without raising a fit. Things are calm for ten minutes and he picks a fight or reacts to get a HIT. My nervous system has been through a hell of a training. I am fried. I need to feel safe. I need to feel protected. I need to feel honored and respected.

    BUT. I care for him. He can be a grade-A a**hole, and can be sweeter than pie. I sound like an abused woman, and am beginning to think I am, with "rationale" like this. I worry he won't be okay. I worry that I'm jumping ship too early (!!!) or that I'll miss him too much, that neither of us will be able to take care of ourselves alone anymore. His brain health is NOT okay. Years ago, a glitch in his memory caused sheer PANIC (someone broke into the cars, and our gun was surprisingly unloaded. "Someone came into the house and unloaded the gun!?!?!? They're messing with us!!!".....two hours later, he remembered it was him.). We discussed it and he promised to see a brain health specialist (I was reading Dr Amen's books and felt very hopeful about his work!).Six months later, he forgot the conversation and promise, and got so angry when I told him what we agreed on. No memory! Gaslighting...I've questioned my sanity so many times. The specialist he finally decided to see is someone who prescribed adderall, vyvanse, among other things. Dr Amen says many ADHD meds actually reduce blood flow to the brain over time, and doesn't recommend them. My guy? He's great when he's on meds, but that's only when he's AT WORK. So what do I get?? A crashing partner, or no-meds on his days off. His brain seems to be getting worse.

    Advice? Support? What I really really really need is courage to leave or something to change drastically. My entire being has suffered too much. It's time for me to take care of me.

  • Husband Has Stopped Taking Meds by: nlongenecker 1 month 1 week ago

    My husband was diagnosed about 12 yrs ago, at about 41 yrs old. Our marriage was at a total breaking point. He was actually living in our camper at a state park for several weeks and finally decided to go get help and started meds. He was on meds for about 4 yrs but even then, he was on the fast acting Ritalin and mainly took it for work, rarely when he was at home. I talked to him several times about taking it while home and how it helped our communication and relationship and he would agree but it wouldn't last. Then he stopped taking it altogether. He will tell others how much it helps him and he keeps the Rx filled...but doesn't take it. We've had several talks about it and he'll agree that it helps and that he's gonna start taking it but he doesn't. And I hear him telling people that he'll take it when he's at work or in other social situations but he doesn't need to take it at home...I feel like it's a total middle finger to me..I'm at home and trying to deal with his angry outbursts and mood swings and lack of attention to me, etc. I really don't know what to do because he's not refusing or being a jerk about it, but he's not taking it. He thinks that it only effects him and is oblivious at how it effects me. He is constantly telling people that he has such an understanding wife and that I put up with a lot. But I don't think he fully gets the impact it has on me. I'm torn because we've talked about it so much and it hasn't changed, so do I drop it and just deal? Part of me feels like the decision to take meds is the individual's decision but at the same time I've seen how it has helped him and us and I'd like to see him taking it again.

  • Something Else by: J 1 month 1 week ago

    It occurred to me, ever since I've been to this forum its primarily been women talking about their husband's with ADHD. ( it didn't just occur to me but, I'm revisiting that again ).

    When I'm taking inventory of all the common issues brought up here, the main one is about the non-ADHD spouse having to do more work with a greater load ( cognitive load ) than their ADHD counter part.

    If you apply that to what I'm about to say...you're not going to hear me. If you think I'm not taking responsibility and am not aware of my symptoms and what I've been doing...then what I about to say will get easily dismissed.

    Something else is going on here...or at least....it's being set up but not intentionally. ( and no its not rigged ! Lol )

    By all accounts,  either by me or by my SO...we are not experiencing an inequity in the work load or our household job duties. It seems fair to me, but I've asked her repeatedly it fair for her? Even the entire concept of parent child was at least in part...discussed. And I've asked on numerous occasions is there anything more I can do? And the answer is no. In fact, I have started just doing things before she asks and look for anything I can do to take the load off ger. She pretty much says she doesn't want help and I get appreciation fron her all the time for anything I do.

    Yet, she many times comes across like "I work so hard here". Even on her days off she jumps out of bed and starts working immediately and really doesn't like it when I slowly get moving on our days off. She even mentioned the other day when we actually slept in how good that felt. I told her she should do it more often and not feel like she needs to jump out of bed like a starting gun went off. I mentioned also....her son ( only child ) is now 30 so ...it been years since she's needed to get up and get him going for the day. In other words, there's no need anymore.

    It appears to me ( this just a speculation on my part ) that this something else is guilt. And there's a bit of a martyr thing going on if I'm not mistaken? The currency with her appears to be guilt not so much shame? 

    Still working on this...but that's what it feels like.

     

    J

    PS And in no way am I implying or inferring this has anything to do with anyone on this forum. I'm solely directly my comments and thoughts towards my SO. Just trying to figure out what's happening in my environment only. And again, for anyone who hasn't been following my SO and I, we both have ADHD. 

  • Non Adhd Spouse Vent by: LS89 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Hi all, I'm hoping that I can release some emotions on here as I'm at my last straw. I (non adhd) am a wife to an adhd spouse, and I am exhausted, I am in burnout and recently started antidepressants and counseling for myself. Something which I never wanted to do but I broke and finally admitted I needed help.

    My husband is a good guy but he has the hyper side of ADHD, and it is exhausting, I feel like I married a toddler. 

    I literally do everything, the house chores, the bills, the presents, the laundry, the food shopping, the cooking, everything! My husband keeps saying that I do too much but he doesn't help, or when he offers it's an empty gesture or (and i really appreciate how hard it is) his ADHD just wont allow him. I have tried approaching him in different ways to get him to help, explained how much the mental load it taking on me, how I need a tidy house or it really sets off my anxiety, I have suggested selected chores, timers, reminders, everything! But he either wont try them (then says I'm an arse for suggesting them coz he cant help it) or it happens for a week then that's it. He says i ask him at the wrong times, so I dont ask him on the evening now, I ask him just before tea (but then im telling him what to do) or I will ask him on a morning, but i'm being a nag. He has tried to step up and help but like I said it doesnt last.

    I may sound like a right a******e but how is this fair? 

    Is anyone else's adhd spouse quick to point the blame to anyone else? like he'll make a mistake (even small ones) and whilst I don't lose my temper or make any comments, he'll end up blaming me for it. 

    I have had countless people come up to me and say you have a patience of a saint and all he has to say about me is negative.... 

    I just cant keep going and I need to know is this normal for adhd relationships? 

  • Go big or go home by: J 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I'm pretty clear on the challenge I face with my SO. I'm also getting through the grieving process. All that's left is to make the decision and choose the red pill or the blue pill. Almost done with the book... which  makes me realize there's only so many things I can do alone without both of us participating.

    My biggest fear, based on my own insecure attachment is, can I do what I need to and become comfortably secure with what "I" have to deal with....that's me of course. 

    They say, in a battle against mother nature...the best you can hope for is a tie. A tie would be fine with me but also saying, this only helps me not take things personally and see exactly who I'm up against...and it isn't my SO.... it is mother nature.

    I'm thinking I'm going to go big and dig down deep, but, with some more help from a therapist.  That's my plan for now.

    Just yesterday at work, they showed me a ring that was a disaster in the making. I told them that there'd be little I could do to fix it so they'd be better off to wear  it as long as they could until the thing literally starts falling apart. At that time, it's time to buy a new one or....modify it a bit and change the whole structure.

    That's how I feel now...until the wheels start falling off....I'm going to go down that road as far as I can. And if that happens,  I do something else. I'll know that when I get there, but there's usually always an alternative. 

     

    J

  • Happy by: Swedish coast 1 month 2 weeks ago

    A liberating thought today. Many of my worst fears have already happened.

    The marriage has gone down an abyss of dishonesty and pain. Children are absent half the time. They might not like me with time, they will grow up with ambivalence about my love for them. I've lost most old friends, relatives. Hopes and dreams.

    Went for a Sunday walk alone. Lovely Autumn day. Many people outside with friendly faces. Everyone says hello. Little kids playing.

    Discover I'm happy to be alive, happy to be divorced. Those worst fears have all played out and I'm still happy today.

    Isn't that something. 

    I feel like it's doable to live with the coming of new challenges. All the worst things happen, but for the moment there's some rest. I feel content to just watch life happen for a while.

    Thank you everyone for your presence on the forum and for the kindness you show. 

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