Been quiet on here lately as I have found myself in the void. That void of not wanting to 'rock the boat' by bringing up issues and trying to solve them... but knowing deep down that I'm living in a way that I don't want to. Today was a bad day for my spouse - mentally. He's been through a lot in the last 6 weeks but I'm finding it increasingly more frustrating as we get back to old patterns because he's not willing to snap out of it and start to look at what he's doing, how he's processing and how things (like his ADHD and depression and anxiety) are showing up and affecting not only him, but the rest of us that live in this house. 

And I'm finding myself in a state of weird calm. As the Non in this, it's like my list of To-Dos and responsibilities has not only NOT changed at all, some days its 10x more and other days it's still relentless because I can rely/expect/hope/ask/beg/plead/fight/cry for NOTHING from his end. Even today, I asked for something very simple and he just couldn't do it. And I really needed it done. I needed to be able to give him something - anything - that he could do to help out and do his part because I'm already doing so much! And he couldn't do it, not because of a medical condition, but because his brain just wouldn't let him. It's just so frustrating. And I KNOW I don't want to live like this. But I have NO IDEA how to even go about starting to get it to change. 

And I've been doing and continue to do the work on myself - and I know that whatever happens on the 'other side': I'll be fine. I'll survive and thrive like I have always done. But at this point, I kinda just want to be on the other side now and it feels relentless and on my shoulders to even get us to the other side. I'm tired of dragging him along. Even when its willingly. How do I even start to change this?? 

And I guess that's where my question comes in: lately, I've been feeling like I'm floating in a void. Just an empty void. And I'm making plans for myself and my son, we are going about life. But I feel like there's so much more to life than this. Just this ignoring, quiet, shushing existance. I want more and deserve more. But I have no idea how to take those steps to more. Bu I know I want it - maybe not enough at this point? 

I've found my spouses mix of the ADHD-anxiety-depression (that's the big one in this case) & dyslexia is this continous storm that just keeps moving along, .like a twister but never leaving. It's always there. I've learned to move and live around it and in it and with it. 

I dunno. Just some thoughts and wasn't sure if others have felt the same and how did you come out of it? 

I'm the one with ADHD - it's our 15th wedding anniversary tomorrow (18 yrs together), and at the end of July he started acting out of character (right after he went to visit family and then friends in his old town).
Since then, he has been secretive etc and then disappeared off to his Mum's on his days off- this was when I suspected he was cheating so asked him outright if he would be seeing a certain "friend" - he lied, said no and went to his "mum's". The following morning at 4:45am he got two missed calls to his mobile (which is connected to our Alexa) from his "friend". He got home and I questioned him about why she had called - he made out that he didn't know she had and I told him how I knew! He admitted he'd stayed there and said they'd only kissed - then said it's all my fault because I am (extremely) untidy and don't "put out" more than once a week! I asked what happens now and he said "probably divorce"? She'd called his phone as he'd lost it somewhere in her house and they were trying to find it.

Next day he wanted to draw a line under it but I cannot trust him as he is still texting her (and then deleting the messages - yes I'm a bad wife and I checked)!

I cannot afford to leave or pay him off and for the sake of our son (who is already upset by the tension), I want to keep the peace. But after more than a decade of being belittled and gaslighted by him, I had already given up hence the chaos and lack of enthusiasm for intimacy.

I found the audiobook that accompanies this blog and we have both started listening to it (separately). He said "it is very interesting but you can't use it as an excuse"!!

I came to the relationship with everything - House, money, furniture and now it seems that I will leave with nothing but our child and dog (son has already told me he "has lost all respect for Dad and when he leaves we must keep the dog". Our child turned twelve four days before hubby cheated (and six days after starting high school). 
 

I am so angry but have to fake being enthusiastic for our son's sake and for everyone else. I've told my boss and a couple of friends but not family or anyone else.

They ALL agree that there will have been more than "just kissing" and I'm not naive enough to believe him. I just don't see how we can move forward from this - I've had inklings before which funnily enough is when I started losing interest and when menopause kicked in early which exacerbated what we now know to be ADHD.

Sorry for my long winded rant, I just needed to get it out there!

I've decided I am "done" with my partner. I've been trying, but he isn't taking his meds and he isn't communicating anymore. He is going to therapy, but I don't know what it is that he is working on. He started seeing a psychologist over stress at his job. The stress is partly because he decided to say something impulsive at work which got him into trouble. Except now, they are holding him accountable more regularly, and as a result, he is reacting to it and doing what he can to shift the blame back to them. I do know they talk about personal things, but I'm not sure how much. I did express excitement and support when he brought home information on DBT though.  It's been a few years now, and I'm burnt out. I can't do it anymore. Our finances are a mess, my mental health has tanked and I keep getting pushed into a parent role. Even when I find ways to shift out of that role, it feels like he keeps trying to put me back into that role. Initially, I was able to bring up how his actions were impacting the entire household and he would listen and interact with me and we would work together collaboratively to fix things. But now, he has withdrawn to the point he lives on his computer or phone or watching TV. And if he's not doing that, he's out with friends and I am left at home with our kids. 

A while back, I told him I noticed that he was no longer taking his meds. I wanted to see why this was the case and maybe gain some insight into things but he refused to talk about it. He got very defensive and angry when I pointed out that before I was even aware that he wasn't taking the medication, I had a suspicion because I noticed his mood change and he became a lot more abrupt and unhappy. He tried to make it into a fight (I think) and brought up how there were more factors at play in that. Probably meaning me.. I acknowledged that might be the case, but refused to take the bait. I just pointed out that I didn't think stopping antidepressants along with his ADHD meds cold turkey was wise and I wasn't going to enable that. I let him know I did not approve but obviously can't force him to take them. I also let him know that I was aware that our dynamic is currently strained and that probably doesn't help, but that taking medication isn't helping either of us. 

The complete lack of response and the repeated attempts at making things out to be my fault, and even now, his friends reaching out to me when he forgets to reply to them, has been the last straw for me. I told him from the start that I do not need a partner, but I want someone that I can share my life with. And this isn't it. This is me now barely having time for myself and starting to see the negative impact it is having on my health. 

What really hurts though is when I was expressing frustration to a good friend of mine. All of us have ADHD just for reference. I was trying to ask my friend for resources I may need to access upon becoming a single parent. And when she asked why, I told her a lot of things that I have kept to myself. I expressed feeling "stuck" and unable to talk to anyone because I don't like airing my personal issues out to others and I don't have any friends or family that live nearby as it is. I mentioned how I knew he'd been talking to a friend about how unhappy he is and how he's contemplating leaving because he thinks I'm being unreasonable and making all of these demands of him. I'm not, I've merely been trying to get the bare minimum from him. And she then proceeded to tell me quite bluntly that she doesn't think that I'm a good partner. That she watched us interact at an event together and that she would not want to be in a relationship with me based on how I was treating him. I was apparently using a very rude tone and acting unreasonably.

I don't see it that way. I was actually shocked by the comment. I know she yelled at me when I politely pointed out thathat he had interrupted her and told me "we all have ADHD, we're going to interrupt each other constantly, it's normal, don't do that". Which I let go at the time. But that's something we have both been working on with one another. My partner and I talk excessively and have a bad habit of interrupting one another and not noticing and then the interrupted party gets upset when they finally get a chance to talk much later. So we do point it out. I'm never rude about it, I find polite and mindful ways to do it. He always apologizes and thanks me for pointing it out. Just as he points it out when I do it. Anyway, I expressed surprise at being told that I was horrible to him the whole weekend and I did point out that there were things that had happened before she and her husband had arrived that had caused frustration on my end and where I could potentially see that my tone may have not been the best. And pretty much got told "he has ADHD and so he does things a certain way due to those traits. That's a horrible reason for ruining a weekend where he chose to spend time with you" 

And at this point I just changed the subject. I felt absolutely hurt and also very annoyed. I also have ADHD!! I also have very rigid thought patterns sometimes. I find it very easy to "dig in" when arguing and just argue for the sake of arguing and a lot of the time, I struggle with getting up the motivation to do day to day tasks. Yet, I have found ways over the years to improve this or to learn how to go with the flow when my rigid thought patterns are causing issues. It is by no means easy. It's a day to day struggle for me. My partner flat out ignored me when we went camping until my friends arrived. He was on his phone most of the time and expressed very little desire in coming and joining us at the lake or anything else. Before my friends got there, he got mad because the tent he wanted to set up would not work. When I asked if we could just use the tent I had insisted we bring, he then revealed to me that he wasn't sure that he had packed it. It turned out he had, but at this point, he opted to just sit and scroll on his phone. I tried asking questions to see if there was a solution to make the tent that he had brought work. There wasn't but he got annoyed when I was asking questions to figure out why it wouldn't. When I tried talking to him or letting him know I was sorry that the one tent would not work, I just got ignored and snapped at.  When my friend and her husband arrived and realized they had forgotten a few things he quickly jumped up and volunteered to take her husband to get said items. It felt like any time there was an opportunity to leave, he did. I was left chasing our kids around and he was either on his phone or else he was interrupting me and talking about himself at the event. I felt very ignored and as if we had come to this event separately. So I am aware that there were a few times when I felt burnt out, that I would tell him that he was going and taking a kid to the bathroom, or that he was going to help with something. Instead of asking and getting ignored. Instead of nagging. It was more "our daughter needs to use the bathroom, I'm going to send her with you since I am in the middle of washing the dishes" 

But this has gotten me to thinking. At what point are certain things the ADHD and when is it enabling someone to continue behaving in a problematic manner? I know that sometimes I can not for the life of me manage to make food due to executive dysfunction. And in those scenarios, I am also aware that while I might be fine with not eating, that I need to feed my kids. So I either see if my partner is able to cook, or if I really can't seem to force myself to prepare food, I look for leftovers or "quick" meals that I wasn't originally planning on making but that are easy enough to make. And when all else fails, I can order take out. I don't always have issues with preparing food. I've learned that if I feel more motivated than usual, then I make extra meals that i can store for the days where I get overwhelmed by the whole process. 
I set timers, I have reminders in my phone for things, and I find ways to work with my ADHD to try make my life better.

If I was to just decide I was never preparing food again because of my struggles and my partner took that out fully and didn't expect me to ever lift a finger when it comes to that, I would view that as enabling. I would see it as being problematic because it is letting me know that it is ok to not have to even attempt to try get over the mental blocks I sometimes experience when it comes to making food. I wouldn't have to challenge myself to grow at all and I would be relying on someone else to solve a problem for me. I'd see it a bit differently if we had an arrangement where he did the cooking and I took over let's say doing the dishes or some other item that he struggles with that I can do. Because then we are both contributing towards things and helping one another. But if I am opting to just sit around doing nothing and expect him to take care of all the aspects of cooking, I feel that would be problematic. 

Sorry this is so long, I just really needed to get this out and vent. I honestly thought my friend would be a bit more empathetic towards me. Instead, it feels like she is using the "we have ADHD" thing as an excuse for behavior that can sometimes be hurtful to others. My partner has ADHD, I'm not expecting perfection from him. But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to at least try to work within his limitations to be a bit more of an attentive partner. Him not taking his medications and just sitting glued to a screen for the majority of the day or else disappearing off to hang out with friends while the pile of projects we have at home need fixing keep on piling up, is problematic. When his issues that he keeps leaving start spilling over and impacting everyone else in the house, it's an issue.

At what point do we look at something and say "ok, this is the ADHD, I shouldn't be getting so upset over this" and at what point is that just an excuse and we become enablers to problematic behaviors? 

About two years ago, i started dating a woman who was in the process of getting the diagnose of adhd. The dating process was sometimes difficult because we didn’t see each other that much. She was, most of the time, too busy in her mind and overwhelmed with everything. After a year of dating we got official. We still didn’t see each other that much, but once a week was a big step up. She was still struggling but we had it good together. The last two months were more difficult. She was more agitated and overwhelmed at times. This also got to me. Sometimes I thought I wasn’t good enough and I talked myself down because of it. Just six days before she broke up with me, she told me how happy she was with me. That she loved me and was happy I was still with her even when she wasn’t that nice anymore the last period. She was saying that I was too good for her and I deserved better. After this I was devastated, because I was feeling that I wasn’t good enough and I told her this. We got into a discussion and in the beginning she was understanding but then she turned around and said that she didn’t know what to do anymore and was having doubts. After a few days we met and she was broken. She was so overwhelmed with everything and said that she didn’t want to give us up, but couldn’t do it anymore. She was having troubles just to function in everyday life and tasks. Since we have broken up we haven’t seen each other, sometimes a conversation through text. And that has been a rollercoaster. Sometimes she tells that we’ll have to see what the future holds for us and seems to be open to trying again in the future. But sometimes she gives warnings like that she doesn’t want to give me false hope, that we can’t be sure that we’re coming back together. And that she first have to do her therapy and wants me te be able to move on. So she never really closes the door, but at times she seems to be overwhelmed, or panicking over the situation. For me it’s difficult because I want to give it a chance in the future, knowing that even then we can’t be sure that it will work out. But I’m willing to give it a shot. Any tips or whatsoever are more than welcome because I simply cannot get a grasp of this situation. I feel powerless and I’m afraid of losing the love of my life indefinitely.