I wanted to share something that happened yesterday. I'm in the midst of doing a deep dive into the topics of: control, anxiety, fear, sex abuse, RSD, avoidant behavior and abuse in general including the cycle of abuse and how they all work together and are interrelated. I'm still in the middle of learning more about these things and finding I'm learning as much about myself as I am my SO.

A minor event happened yesterday where my SO did something that hurt my feeling. She mocked me over something trivial.  But what's interesting now, more than ever, is my ability to recognized my feelings and emotions in real time. I didn't get angry, I only felt hurt and sadness but I did say something to her about it. I reacted yes, but in a very controlled manner. This, I felt was a successful exchange on my part telling her something that hurt me even if I may have not have said it perfectly.  And yes, I even chose to say something instead of over reacting. I guess that's responding not reacting? 

The other part of this was her reaction which was anger that I pointed out something she did that hurt my feelings. But then, she told me I was angry which that's not at all what I was feeling. I simply replied " I'm not angry, I'm hurt, but I can see you're angry. Why are you angry?" I also told her "this is not a good way to start the day" and then said "what are you angry about? " Her reply was about everything on her mind except, what had just happened.  I told her I'm sorry she's feeling that way and hoped she had a good day at work. We both left for the day, and the day went without a problem and no hard feelings. 

Anyway, this isn't about the incident. This is about how I'm feeling. After all my reading up on these things and making many new discoveries...I'm  feeling a great compassion for her and myself.

I also realized exactly what hurt. She was putting me down which is exactly what you don't want from your trusted partner. It not building you up but putting you down. 

There's so much more I can say here but there's also something else I've done right without knowing exactly why.

Every day,  without fail,  when she's getting ready and commenting how fat she is, how ugly her hair is and generally speaking, putting her self down...

I respond every day on how beautiful she is, how nice she looks and compliment her about her choice of clothes telling how well she's put together. 

I do this every day without fail. And she's responded a number of times saying how good I am for her.

My comments are genuine and sincere. I really mean them because it's exactly how I feel.

In essence,  I'm building her up.

This is also why it hurts. It's the opposite of what she did yesterday but the end result is not anger. It only makes me sad.

But a big part of this also has to do with compassion.  The compassion I feel for her.

I realized more than ever before, I know exactly what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. I've made great strides in this area I feel. It also gives me the ability to act on these feelings in a productive way as I did.

I'm calling this a success....for me in particular.

I also noticed and am realizing more....her inability to receive the love I'm offering her at times. As if, it has no affect on her. This is also telling.

J

Hi everyone. I'm getting more and more unhappy in my marriage. My husband has ADHD and bad RSD. The RSD is causing regular problems in our relationship. I understand how ADHD and the RSD affect him and that it's part of it but I'm finding it more and more difficult to handle. At times he is blatantly rude and horrible. 
 

He drinks regularly which doesn't help as it affects his moods. He regularly takes offence at very normal things I do which would not affect anyone else. If I treated him the way he does me he would not put up with it. He apologised sometimes and I accept the apology but it's having a big impact and I now enjoy spending time alone more than spending time with him. He talks and talks and it's all about how he feels, what's he's been doing, what he wants to do, what his current ailments are etc. and doesn't really show a lot of interest in my feelings. We have good times,  don't get me wrong but the ADHD / RSD makes him aggressive and rude and he gives me the silent treatment constantly for days on end. I'm walking on eggshells trying not to say the wrong thing. He tells me daily he loves and how lucky he is. But we seem to be wanting to do different social things. He likes to drink/watch tv and I like to go out walking, reading, shopping and don't want to sit in a pub all day.  What can I do to try and improve things? He likes me to be with him all the time but I'm finding this difficult as I need a break. 

I believe I understand what my SO is trying to say,  but she's not only missing the mark, its making me feel criticized and disapproved of at the very same time. This is one reason I came back here talking about her going on a roll of periods of non-stop criticism.  I realized, this method she's been using has great deal to do with it,  as this method  happens quite often.... even again tonight.  In fact, this is the reason we had our first conflict together. Ironically, it's conflict she's trying to avoid. The message is definitely not coming through loud and clear! 

What she does ( the method ) is ask a lot of leading questions....actually, it's just one leading question.

"Why did you do it that way?"  ( or how come ? )

This is not actually a question but questioning my methods when I do things at times. This always comes after I do ( the thing ) which many times, I have no answer for.  I've found simply saying "I don't know?" serves to shut this down plus it's the truth. I don't know why I do everything I do? Especially things I've been doing all my life almost involuntarily. And for the record....I haven't broken anything since I've been here. She has, but it's her stuff. She's mostly concerned with spills, crumbs and food stuff getting on the floors and counter tops. She keeps them immaculate which is a tough act for me to follow always.

I believe I understand this now,  it's a fear response in that, she's afraid something will happen that she doesn't want to have happen and she feels she can't control it.... because she can't physically control another person to prevent this ( thing ) from happening.  In other words, she's feeling out of control. I'm saying this because I feel this way too at times for the same reason. This is akin to back seat driving which is also something she does chronically.

The net affect is making me feel disapproved of, incompetent and criticized....because this is actually what she's doing: It's a thinly veiled form of criticism in the form of a question.   It also makes me feel like I'm being watched all the time because she's actually doing that too. Watching me and checking to make sure I'm doing ( whatever ) the way she would do it. And when I don't do it that way...out comes that question. I understand also, the way she does it actually works so she has a good reason ( at least in her mind ) to do what she does. She has pulled me aside many times showing me how she likes things done down to the specific movements and specific ways she does it. It's really is a form of micromanagement.

Anyway. I haven't been reacting to this because it happens a lot and I calmly say"I don't know". This  seems to works for now.  But I can tell she's still frustrated because she's not getting the response from me she's looking for. I believe this is an indirect form of passive aggressive communication. I also believe shes doing this because she's afraid of conflict with me, if she were more direct.

If she were more direct, she'd probably get a different response from me as well as telling me exactly what's on here mind. At the same time, I wouldn't feel like she was always disapproving me and being criticized every time she does it.

Actually, since I believe I understand what's happening...it's really not having much affect on me any more. For now,  I know the "I don't know" response is working but I wish I knew a netter way to confront her on this.

Any ideas or suggestions would be very much appreciated. 

Also, thanks to the person who commented that having someone move into your space in middle age can be stressful because people get set in their ways. It caused me to remember this was a concern of hers prior to me moving in. She even said it close to something like...."I'm very set in my ways and I was getting use to living alone"  This was very helpful information to keep in the back of my mind.

J

I am a 38 f married to a 39 m. We have been married for almost 15 years and have two children. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago when I brought up my unhappiness with the house work load balance. We've worked to put some things in place to help accommodate these issues, but the biggest issue that I have in the marriage is the lack of priority setting. For a large majority of my relationship my needs don't seem to be important to him. I have tried to make sure I express my needs verbally in an easily understood manner and use key words and phrases like, "This is important to me"... and " I need this..."  We don't seem to be making any progress with this portion of our marriage. When he expresses his needs and wants I feel like I have to jump through hoops, but he is so unfazed.

An example of this is our upcoming anniversary. In the past I have planned almost all of our vacations alone. We've always tried to have a short vacation for our anniversary, just the two of us. Last year we agreed to go to the mountains, we discussed the location, all I needed him to do was find a place. We had an agreed upon weekend, where we could make it work without taking the kids. He simply just didn't do it. So the week before we were supposed to take this time for our anniversary. I find that he just didn't do it. And it's not that he didn't have the time. It's just that he prioritized other things instead of taking the time to do it. We also run into this issue when I ask to make plans and then one of his friends asks after that to make plans. Usually he will cancel with me, let me down, and do what his friends ask. 

I don't find this to be a symptom of his ADHD. I find this to be selfishness and that he deems other things more important. I guess it wouldn't hurt so bad if I felt like it wasn't intentional, but I don't think when you tell someone that something is really important to you and they understand that and do the opposite anyway.