There's noway I can make this short, because it involves a lot of gray area and it involves my intuition which is not a tangle thing. There's also parts to this that involve a lot of my own past experience and life lessons both, for myself and other people, and, some things that might fall under the category of values which are not always definitely "right" or "wrong" but more, to each their own. This includes my own potential cognitive distortions, insecurities and negative past experiences.  Potential for assumptions, jumping to conclusions, not enough information,   misinterpretations and insecure attachments. 

I'm sharing this now after the fact, for the purpose of just sharing it.  In case this might help someone else get past something like this. I think I managed this pretty well. In fact, I did it, without losing my cool or having an explosive outburst. This time, it was my SO who had a melt down but I managed to remain calm ( enough ) not to completely lose my composure in a potentially, highly charged situation. That was a huge success on my part which is why the outcome became resolved. That's all I wanted....resolution.

Backstory necessary. So here we go.

My SO has shared a lot about her past with me. She was very open about her past in terms of sex life and men she's been with. She also expressed how, most of her life, she felt like a wall flower, was always a little over weight and boys or men never seemed very interested in her. She was married early ( 21 ) to her first husband and had a few boyfriends between her divorce and ger second husband. 

When she divorced her second husband...she lost a lot of weight . She did, what I would call, a total make over just prior to her divorce. It was quite a dramatic change.  As she told me..."for the first time in my life, I was hot ! "  I still think she is...but from seeing the pictures of her at this time, she really was stunning. Eye catching for sure. She changed the way she dressed, her hair...pretty much, a totally change from her past...a tattoo...everything.  Almost like a mid-life crisis for women you might say? And....she suddenly found men, were now desiring her and paying attention to her. As she said...for the first time in her life. 

She went on, online dating sites and had lots of interest. For a period of about 5 years...she dated non stop with a number of men. Seemingly....with lots of ongoing interest. Finally,  she became dissolutioned because she found most of these men lied and only wanted sex. She was actually interested in more but her insecure attachment style...also fit having short term relationships before they became too serious ( fear of intimacy ) on an emotional level. Sex in this case...came first and right away and was more casual.  The same as it was for me...but only after having a long distance relationship over the phone. I also...was not interested in casual sex and wanting more which is probably why we're together. 

Having said all of this. Online where we met....she had plenty of male interest.  We were Facebook friends for over a year before I ever said a word to her. I was just a lurker who admired her from afar...who quietly had a crush on her. 

But part of my reasoning for not saying anything was because of all her male attention. She was and still is striking. You could not...not notice...guys comments, and the not so subtle messaging being made. It was pretty clear to me, the reason why they were there. Simply put, they were attracted to her, and making it known. I joked with her later, about the "male harem" she had . I also noticed that she seemed to welcome the attention.  In other words ..she liked it.  Back to : " for the first time in my life...I felt desired and attractive." It was an ego boost...and it felt good for the first time in her life in that way. I totally get all of this. I completely understand based on my own experience with this except....I had this experience in my early 20's. She was just now experiencing it....in her 50's. Big difference there.

As time went on, I would follow her, and watch these guys interact with her. There were a few who were really making themselves known ....like, "the regulars". And one of these "regulars" was her ex-husband who, as I found out later, completely ignored her when she gained weight and had a "thing" for his younger yoga instructor who was all fit and trim. He made no bones about this "thing" he had to my SO. I thought when I heard that..."what a complete asshole" ( important to note my initial impression )

But now, here is her ex, who's with a new women...following his ex around on Facebook...but after she's had the makeover and lost weight. Now ...he's interested but he's with someone else. "What a total dick" is my opinion of that. Not just a dick...but hes being lead around by his penis, and is lusting after her. The same goes with these other guys...they're all lusting after her because she's now "hot".

And how do I know this? Because I'm a guy. I did the same thing in my twenties when I was single and dating women  ..ultimately for sex. I'm hypersexual or at least was. I'm no longer like I was 40 years ago.  And speaking for myself . I was not with anyone or had a girlfriend.  I didn't want a girlfriend and I only wanted sex. And I was really only interested in women who wanted only sex. I was not trying to deceive anyone...I made this very clear from the beginning.  Unlike  the men, that my SO encountered when she told men she was only interested in a long term relationship, these men told her the same ..but lied in the end. That's why she finally gave up on online dating.  That's when I came along, and I wasn't looking for anything more than to make friends and get to know people  My intentions were not sex, and her intentions were the same with me yet, she was still open to more, with the right person.

So, I'm watching her ex and these guys who were clearly lining up to get her attention and making it clear from their behavior....they were acting like men in a singles bar. Also to note: regulars meant they kept showing up...on going...almost every day.

I know this behavior. Even though I never could do that ( too shy )  ...I saw it done including by some of my friends who were very successful with women. Ironically,  they always had girlfriends...but were also, always cheating on them. It was on going....a chronic issue with these guys. I even covered for them a couple times to keep from getting caught.

So, I'm very familiar with this kind of behavior, simply from association with my friends and myself doing it on some level. I know what it looks like, I know what it feels like, and I can regonize certain "tell tails " or freudian slips, that tell me what their intentions really are.

But being new to Facebook and social media at first. I would immediately get my first impression, from all the beautiful women on there and the guys who'd follow them ( and the things they'e say ) that there are tons....not just a few...but tons of horny old married guys just following these women around and private messaging them....pretending to be interested in them as just "friends". And me going..."yeah right" . Nice try Buckwheat...try again.

So now, I can tell you what happened.

Before I started getting really interested in my SO. There's one of "these guys" whos showing interest. He was one of the "regulars " on her page. As I hear, my SO was also communicating with him on private messaging. She had also admitted to him she liked him and was attracted to him....and even offered to meet with him in person if he was ever in town. She was also on the dating website at the time, and was openly dating other men.  This was before me.

This guy is also married ( 35 years ).... another one of those "horny old married guys " following beautiful women around on social media...lusting after them....just being "their friend". My first thought, once again...." do you think his wife is aware of this and ...if she was....do you think she'd be very happy with it? " ( duh )

This is where it gets confusing. People have open marriages, swingers, wife swapping...you never know what's okay....and not okay? Anything goes and does. For me, this is "not okay" so that makes it easy. It's pretty black and white with me. I've done my time with all of that years ago. I figured out what I like and didn't like long before I was married the first time.  And my honest feelings towards this are very judgmental !! It's true...I definitely don't have a high opinion of this behavior nor...would I engage in it. This belongs in the "fantasy " category and stays there....even if it were ever entertained. 

So when I see this happening on social media...I have my own rather strong opinions of it and mostly, I don't respect it but who am I to judge? For me, it crosses the line.

Anyway, this married guy tells my SO that it wouldn't be a good idea for him to meet her at her house. Because he's married and that would look good.

Yes...but only because he lusts after her and knows where that would go....already!! That doesn't mean: no, I'm not interested. It means....yes, I'm very interested and think your hot !! Just like the other members of "the male harem" my SO had.  And to this day....nothing has changed! 

So when this guy calls...and says he's in town and he'd like to meet "us" in person...right off the bat....my intuition is doing summersaults. Not only do I not really respect this guy...I also don't respect what he's doing by continuing to message my SO, ask her to be part of his chat group ( but not me ) and continue on behaving as he's always behaved as if, I don't exist and somehow, he didn't notice we are together. I call bullshit on that. 

But we're just friends?

I finally figured out what my intuition was telling me. It happened after this guy stopped by. He's a perfectly nice and did nothing inappropriate.  We actually got along great and he was the perfect guest. I could easily call him my friend and I fully believe he has no intentions on crossing the line to attempting to have sex with my SO. As he indicated when he had the chance, it's not a good idea, I'm married....that's his boundary.  I believe this...but that's his boundary not mine. That's the problem I was having and it was really making angry and upset.

This is where, there was no way I was going to bring this up without it being a problem. Without a doubt in my mind, my SO is trustworthy and I have no suspicions that she has any ulterior motive with this guy or anyone else. She actually just went to the doctor about her sex drive and found, the estrogen they've been giving her has a testosterone blocker in it which only makes it worse on top of a low dose, antidepressants, Adderall, veginal atrophy  and a yeast infection that's been going on for months.  She really does have no desire for sex. 

He said something while he was here that I picked up on immediately.  He said, " You're a lucky man". My intuition went off the charts.

You're a lucky man translates to: You're lucky to have what you have. You have something I desire and are lucky to have it. 

In other words....he covets what I have which is my SO. He knows he can't have it, but he wants it none the less.

"The Hebrew word translated "covet" is chamad (חמד) which is commonly translated into English as "covet", "lust", and "strong desire.". Bingo

I could feel it. And it's a disrespect to me to bring that into my house where I live.

And the same with all these "horny married old men" following beautiful women around on Facebook and lusting after them while verbally engaging with them all under the guise of "normal internet behavior ".

It's only normal because of the internet and the fact that so many guys do it makes it somehow okay? Porn, is a much more honest, forthright thing to do. Everyone knows what the guy is doing and it's not a secret.  Erotic images of strange women having sex who are paid actresses are NOT the same as interacting with real women,  going over to their house to meet in person while their significant other ( or spouse ) is standing watching this going...I call bullshit.  I know exactly what your doing even if you don't!!

So looked up affairs of different kinds and ran across a term I'd never heard of. ...

"Micro - cheating".  Aha! That's what these guys are doing!! It's the first step in the many steps of actually getting to cheating. It's considered a "grey area" because some don't think anything wrong with it. Well, some don't mind if their spouces swap partners or have open marriages either....but I do. That's my boundaries...even if it's not someone else. It's not mine to judge....but it is mine to establish a boundary that I'm comfortable with and this horny old married man , who I don't respect for micro-cheating online with my SO ( and other women )....now,  just crossed a second line by bringing that into the house where I live. And I don't care if he would never have sex...he's cheating in his heart and having a covert emotional affair. Even if that's not true...he's still lusting after my SO....wishing he could.

And, it seems really obvious to me and it was really making me angry!  Beat it, asshole!! You're pissing around my tree and marking your territory...pushing my boundaries and pushing me in the process !

So now, how do I have a conversation like this with a partner who has ADHD ? It was a no win situation but I did it anyway. Sometimes ...these things need to be done.

At the end of the day....after she took offense, after she felt like I was accusing her, after she didn't agree with me, after she accused me of being jealous and possessive, after her getting mad and yelling, after her telling me I needed help, after accusing me of being controlling and after me promising to drop it...after her telling me a few things I didn't know which helped.....she calmed down and after giving her space....she seemed to let it sink in and maybe made a little sense to her.

I told her " I'm not jealous, I  just don't trust men...because I am one. I just don't think you see what I see." That's the truth. I definitely have my trust issues but this time...it has nothing to do with her. She didn't cross my boundary line...he did.  And I made no demands of her that she do anything different.  I just wanted her to know how it made me feel 

At the very least, she understands my boundary and why, and how I feel about it. That's all I wanted in the first place.

Understanding and Isolation

I can deeply relate to the feelings of grief, resentment, anger, sadness, and loneliness described in this support group. This has been my reality for years. It's hard for anyone to truly understand unless they've experienced it firsthand. While I've tried talking to friends and family, they can't relate, and I've learned that venting to them doesn't help. Past therapy for myself has been frustrating, with therapists suggesting the relationship is unhealthy without offering real solutions. This group feels like the only place where I'm truly understood.

The Impact of ADHD

My husband was recently diagnosed with moderate combined ADHD at 44, though we suspected it years ago. We've been together since 2010, and thankfully, we chose not to have children or our relationship would not have lasted.  Although he says he recognizes how his ADHD affects our relationship and participates in the self study course I'm not sure that he truly does.  Although many ADHD symptoms are present daily, the primary struggle is with hyperfocus and distraction, which manifests in obsessive behaviors like sports betting. [So you may need to google arbitrage sports betting] but this is what his latest hyperfocus has been on.  Despite financial stability, he spends countless hours on his phone, laptop, or at casinos. This obsession, fueled by his ADHD, has taken a toll on our relationship. Let me explain here he does not lose money but has found a way to make money through arbitrage bets.  He thrives on all aspects of arbitrage betting.  He's spoken with tax attorneys negotiated with betting platforms reps.  It's like a game for him and he's mastered it.  I'm not happy to say he has made thousands of dollars but it's not about the money for me it's about the lack of connection. I feel vulnerable to tell people this in fear they will think, "well...if he's making money you shouldn't be complaining"

The problem is there was and will continue to be this hyperfocus behavior - it's also been present in other forms from early on- video games, stock market trading, specific eating habits and exercise regimes. I just didn't know it had a name.

The Emotional Toll

As Melissa points out I was once his hyperfocus at the beginning but now I often feel like an unwanted obstacle in his life, interrupting his time that he wants to spend  arbitraging.  While he's a kind and generous person, his constant focus on his obsessions leaves little room for connection. The lack of emotional support and understanding has led to frustration, anger and loneliness on my end.

Seeking Solutions

We're currently undergoing marriage counseling, though it hasn't been particularly helpful, but at least it's time spent together. I'm hoping that Melissa's courses  can shed light on effective strategies for managing ADHD and improving our relationship.  We are on lesson 7 but we listen at the faster pace and I feel like he just wants to get thru it to "pacify" me.  My favorite part is the Q& A from other people. I think it explains and shows him how other couples' problems are exactly like ours.

I seem to be in the minority here.  I have ADD and have been married to my husband for 10 years with 2 kids and am currently 9 weeks pregnant. Neither of us are happy. We have both brought up divorce recently. I very much relate to the different forums posted by members except I'm relating to what I hear my husband say over and over. So its hard for me to read all the commentary and see how validating his reality is. You all seem to be at so many different stages of grief (lost, sad, angry, detached or divorced of your former torture). Many of you have laid out frightening paths that we seem to be on and I can't help but feel like I was born just an impossible person to be with. My mental health is really struggling at the moment and the hormones aren't helping.  I'm not here to play a victim or defend myself or my disorder, what all of you are saying sounds like a terrible existence to have and I love my husband and family so much that I want to make real LASTING changes but he seems so "gone" that I struggle gaining my own hope.  I want to see hope in him but I think its gone until I show him, not say, I can sustain changes.  I'm so lonely and he's so emotionally detached.  It doesn't seem like there are any ADD spouses on here offering how they made their changes in real life.  As an author and expert on ADHD and relationships, Melissa is a very relatable resource to you all, however she is the NON-ADHD spouse.  Are there any ADHD individuals on here who have "successfully" navigated through this mess and can speak to it?  

I'm not the spouse who hasn't tried. It's just sustaining focus on what I learn is the issue.  I've read Mellissa's book together with my husband and many others by multiple authors on my own, I've been on multiple medications since my 20's (about 2 years before I even met my husband), the last one being high dose Vyvansse (which I had to stop when I found out I was pregnant about a month ago).  I have an ADHD coach (Jeff Copper who I'd highly recommend btw) who I meet with weekly and who tells me I'm making progress. We are fortunate to have an Au Pair, housekeepers, pool person etc. So there's not a lot of household things in the way anymore. We are even seeking out a home organizer now so even though we have resources we are still in a downward spiral.  Couples counseling has gone nowhere for me over the years but is always insightful then frustrating for him because it does nothing for me. This pregnancy has been a catalyst for a lot.  We haven't had an intimate relationship in years even though we wanted a third.  After a few unsuccessful and very unromantic try's we got some testing done and realized that medical intervention would be necessary if we wanted to pursue the third even though we were both apprehensive due to the status of the marriage. After 2 rounds of IUI we got pregnant. At week 7, my husband suggested that we have an "adult conversation" about the baby and brought up abortion.  So there it is,  we tried for this baby now the reality of the status of our marriage due to my ADHD inhibiting the ability to communicate is punching us in the face. This baby will only make things harder in an already fragile state so I worry about keeping OR not keeping the baby and how the decision either way will impact our marriage and mental health.  I'm not here to debate ProChoice, (ironic timing I know...)  Please.  I just wanted to lay out the severity of our situation.  I'm old enough and its early enough that there is a higher chance that his decision could be made for us anyway, but I wanted to be real on here (In my state I can't even get a scan until 10 weeks so we are assuming everything is fine at the moment). Please dont respond with your vote whether we should keep the baby or not. That's not why I shared this.  Hopefully it lays out the seriousness of what my family is going through at the moment.  If anyone on here has advice I'm willing to listen and especially if I can get connected with an ADHD spouse who's head is NOT still in the sand.   Thank you for listening.

I seem to be in the minority here.  I have ADD and have been married to my husband for 10 years with 2 kids and am currently 9 weeks pregnant. Neither of us are happy. We have both brought up divorce recently. I very much relate to the different forums posted by members except I'm relating to what I hear my husband say over and over. So its hard for me to read all the commentary and see how validating his reality is. You all seem to be at so many different stages of grief (lost, sad, angry, detached or divorced of your former torture). Many of you have laid out frightening paths that we seem to be on and I can't help but feel like I was born just an impossible person to be with. My mental health is really struggling at the moment and the hormones aren't helping.  I'm not here to play a victim or defend myself or my disorder, what all of you are saying sounds like a terrible existence to have and I love my husband and family so much that I want to make real LASTING changes but he seems so "gone" that I struggle gaining my own hope.  I want to see hope in him but I think its gone until I show him, not say, I can sustain changes.  I'm so lonely and he's so emotionally detached.  It doesn't seem like there are any ADD spouses on here offering how they made their changes in real life.  As an author and expert on ADHD and relationships, Melissa is a very relatable resource to you all, however she is the NON-ADHD spouse.  Are there any ADHD individuals on here who have "successfully" navigated through this mess and can speak to it?  

I'm not the spouse who hasn't tried. It's just sustaining focus on what I learn is the issue.  I've read Mellissa's book together with my husband and many others by multiple authors on my own, I've been on multiple medications since my 20's (about 2 years before I even met my husband), the last one being high dose Vyvansse (which I had to stop when I found out I was pregnant about a month ago).  I have an ADHD coach (Jeff Copper who I'd highly recommend btw) who I meet with weekly and who tells me I'm making progress. We are fortunate to have an Au Pair, housekeepers, pool person etc. So there's not a lot of household things in the way anymore. We are even seeking out a home organizer now so even though we have resources we are still in a downward spiral.  Couples counseling has gone nowhere for me over the years but is always insightful then frustrating for him because it does nothing for me. This pregnancy has been a catalyst for a lot.  We haven't had an intimate relationship in years even though we wanted a third.  After a few unsuccessful and very unromantic try's we got some testing done and realized that medical intervention would be necessary if we wanted to pursue the third even though we were both apprehensive due to the status of the marriage. After 2 rounds of IUI we got pregnant. At week 7, my husband suggested that we have an "adult conversation" about the baby and brought up abortion.  So there it is,  we tried for this baby now the reality of the status of our marriage due to my ADHD inhibiting the ability to communicate is punching us in the face. This baby will only make things harder in an already fragile state so I worry about keeping OR not keeping the baby and how the decision either way will impact our marriage and mental health.  I'm not here to debate ProChoice, (ironic timing I know...)  Please.  I just wanted to lay out the severity of our situation.  I'm old enough and its early enough that there is a higher chance that his decision could be made for us anyway, but I wanted to be real on here (In my state I can't even get a scan until 10 weeks so we are assuming everything is fine at the moment). Please dont respond with your vote whether we should keep the baby or not. That's not why I shared this.  Hopefully it lays out the seriousness of what my family is going through at the moment.  If anyone on here has advice I'm willing to listen and especially if I can get connected with an ADHD spouse who's head is NOT still in the sand.   Thank you for listening.