I seem to be in the minority here.  I have ADD and have been married to my husband for 10 years with 2 kids and am currently 9 weeks pregnant. Neither of us are happy. We have both brought up divorce recently. I very much relate to the different forums posted by members except I'm relating to what I hear my husband say over and over. So its hard for me to read all the commentary and see how validating his reality is. You all seem to be at so many different stages of grief (lost, sad, angry, detached or divorced of your former torture). Many of you have laid out frightening paths that we seem to be on and I can't help but feel like I was born just an impossible person to be with. My mental health is really struggling at the moment and the hormones aren't helping.  I'm not here to play a victim or defend myself or my disorder, what all of you are saying sounds like a terrible existence to have and I love my husband and family so much that I want to make real LASTING changes but he seems so "gone" that I struggle gaining my own hope.  I want to see hope in him but I think its gone until I show him, not say, I can sustain changes.  I'm so lonely and he's so emotionally detached.  It doesn't seem like there are any ADD spouses on here offering how they made their changes in real life.  As an author and expert on ADHD and relationships, Melissa is a very relatable resource to you all, however she is the NON-ADHD spouse.  Are there any ADHD individuals on here who have "successfully" navigated through this mess and can speak to it?  

I'm not the spouse who hasn't tried. It's just sustaining focus on what I learn is the issue.  I've read Mellissa's book together with my husband and many others by multiple authors on my own, I've been on multiple medications since my 20's (about 2 years before I even met my husband), the last one being high dose Vyvansse (which I had to stop when I found out I was pregnant about a month ago).  I have an ADHD coach (Jeff Copper who I'd highly recommend btw) who I meet with weekly and who tells me I'm making progress. We are fortunate to have an Au Pair, housekeepers, pool person etc. So there's not a lot of household things in the way anymore. We are even seeking out a home organizer now so even though we have resources we are still in a downward spiral.  Couples counseling has gone nowhere for me over the years but is always insightful then frustrating for him because it does nothing for me. This pregnancy has been a catalyst for a lot.  We haven't had an intimate relationship in years even though we wanted a third.  After a few unsuccessful and very unromantic try's we got some testing done and realized that medical intervention would be necessary if we wanted to pursue the third even though we were both apprehensive due to the status of the marriage. After 2 rounds of IUI we got pregnant. At week 7, my husband suggested that we have an "adult conversation" about the baby and brought up abortion.  So there it is,  we tried for this baby now the reality of the status of our marriage due to my ADHD inhibiting the ability to communicate is punching us in the face. This baby will only make things harder in an already fragile state so I worry about keeping OR not keeping the baby and how the decision either way will impact our marriage and mental health.  I'm not here to debate ProChoice, (ironic timing I know...)  Please.  I just wanted to lay out the severity of our situation.  I'm old enough and its early enough that there is a higher chance that his decision could be made for us anyway, but I wanted to be real on here (In my state I can't even get a scan until 10 weeks so we are assuming everything is fine at the moment). Please dont respond with your vote whether we should keep the baby or not. That's not why I shared this.  Hopefully it lays out the seriousness of what my family is going through at the moment.  If anyone on here has advice I'm willing to listen and especially if I can get connected with an ADHD spouse who's head is NOT still in the sand.   Thank you for listening.

I seem to be in the minority here.  I have ADD and have been married to my husband for 10 years with 2 kids and am currently 9 weeks pregnant. Neither of us are happy. We have both brought up divorce recently. I very much relate to the different forums posted by members except I'm relating to what I hear my husband say over and over. So its hard for me to read all the commentary and see how validating his reality is. You all seem to be at so many different stages of grief (lost, sad, angry, detached or divorced of your former torture). Many of you have laid out frightening paths that we seem to be on and I can't help but feel like I was born just an impossible person to be with. My mental health is really struggling at the moment and the hormones aren't helping.  I'm not here to play a victim or defend myself or my disorder, what all of you are saying sounds like a terrible existence to have and I love my husband and family so much that I want to make real LASTING changes but he seems so "gone" that I struggle gaining my own hope.  I want to see hope in him but I think its gone until I show him, not say, I can sustain changes.  I'm so lonely and he's so emotionally detached.  It doesn't seem like there are any ADD spouses on here offering how they made their changes in real life.  As an author and expert on ADHD and relationships, Melissa is a very relatable resource to you all, however she is the NON-ADHD spouse.  Are there any ADHD individuals on here who have "successfully" navigated through this mess and can speak to it?  

I'm not the spouse who hasn't tried. It's just sustaining focus on what I learn is the issue.  I've read Mellissa's book together with my husband and many others by multiple authors on my own, I've been on multiple medications since my 20's (about 2 years before I even met my husband), the last one being high dose Vyvansse (which I had to stop when I found out I was pregnant about a month ago).  I have an ADHD coach (Jeff Copper who I'd highly recommend btw) who I meet with weekly and who tells me I'm making progress. We are fortunate to have an Au Pair, housekeepers, pool person etc. So there's not a lot of household things in the way anymore. We are even seeking out a home organizer now so even though we have resources we are still in a downward spiral.  Couples counseling has gone nowhere for me over the years but is always insightful then frustrating for him because it does nothing for me. This pregnancy has been a catalyst for a lot.  We haven't had an intimate relationship in years even though we wanted a third.  After a few unsuccessful and very unromantic try's we got some testing done and realized that medical intervention would be necessary if we wanted to pursue the third even though we were both apprehensive due to the status of the marriage. After 2 rounds of IUI we got pregnant. At week 7, my husband suggested that we have an "adult conversation" about the baby and brought up abortion.  So there it is,  we tried for this baby now the reality of the status of our marriage due to my ADHD inhibiting the ability to communicate is punching us in the face. This baby will only make things harder in an already fragile state so I worry about keeping OR not keeping the baby and how the decision either way will impact our marriage and mental health.  I'm not here to debate ProChoice, (ironic timing I know...)  Please.  I just wanted to lay out the severity of our situation.  I'm old enough and its early enough that there is a higher chance that his decision could be made for us anyway, but I wanted to be real on here (In my state I can't even get a scan until 10 weeks so we are assuming everything is fine at the moment). Please dont respond with your vote whether we should keep the baby or not. That's not why I shared this.  Hopefully it lays out the seriousness of what my family is going through at the moment.  If anyone on here has advice I'm willing to listen and especially if I can get connected with an ADHD spouse who's head is NOT still in the sand.   Thank you for listening.

I started a post when I first came back here again a few months ago entitled "Homiostasis". I had a specific question as it relates to motivation but I wasn't able to articulate in words what I was concerned with. That was just before going back on meds again as I was directly concerned how this would translate to my job, one of my main concerns at the time.

Now, several months later and switching meds in the process....I now know what I was worried about because in a real way, it's  already happened. This is one of those "things" ( without a name ) that are the consequences of taking a drug, whether it be good or bad. The closest I can come up with is homeostasis and/or biorhythms.  I know biorhythms aren't an officially recognized science, but for lack of a better term....it's the constantly changing cycles that have to do with your physical, mental and emotional state that are always in flux. Homeostasis refers to the balance between these elements. And within these things includes your motivation, or maybe....the drives that make us do things. And a reminder that ADHD has to do with doing things...important to note.

My main concern, going back on meds, was I would lose the hunger, or drive I used to motivate myself at work. It's the thing that I tap into to push myself and drive myself to do better. You could call it the "edge". And part of that edge is is to channel emotions including anger. Anger can be a powerful tool if used in a positive way. 

When I was reading about RSD that Mellisa included in her blog about this topic, a man with ADHD described it for himself saying: he never realized how much of his life revolved around RSD... how it influenced his decisions and actions throughout his entire life. I concur, but it doesn't stop there. ADHD itself has an equally strong ( if not more ) side effect or consequence of motivating a person, and therefore, influencing their actions, in different directions. Different than, a neurotypical person.

Growing up, not knowing you have ADHD has both positive and negative influences.  Not knowing you're not "normal" means, you think you're just like everyone else. Naturally, you do things to compensate without even knowing why or what those are. In a positive way, you gain skills and ways to get things done that work for you. And the harder you try the more things you learn. I guess another way to say it is...the more effort you put in, the better you become naturally.  

So in effect, you're trying to find your homeostasis or balance between your: mental, physical and emotional state. The problem with this is, it's not exactly "normal".

For lack of a better term, I'm calling this "ADHD normal " or normal for a person with ADHD. And from this type of normal, your homeostasis is different.  A lifetime of learning to adapt is what brings you to the here and now.

So.....

When you start taking a drug ( of any kind ) but specifically for ADHD....it does way more than just hit those targeted areas. It completely shifts your homeostasis to a different one literally overnight or in case of the antidepressants, a month or so later. The net effect may take several months but regardless....you're making a shift from "ADHD normal" to something new.

NOW.....many of those tools you learned to use in your favor, are no longer working for you the same. In my case, the "edge" is gone, and it's more difficult to find motivation at work ( specifically ) because that competitiveness and desire to go faster is just not there as it was. I'm not channeling the anger because the anger isn't there?  And even in terms of the RSD...the need to be "perfect" and above reproach isn't as strong. Thankfully, after 40 years doing what I do, I really don't need that as much because I already own those skills. In other words, that isn't necessarily any more.

But as far a people pleasing in respect to work...whether they like it or not isn't as much of an issue.  I can go down the list and check off each thing, but as far as motivation is concerned....the "new homeostatus" does have a direct effect on where I draw my drives or decisions to do things in respect to work. I don't really care if I'm first or last and I don't really even care if my employer likes it or not. It's easy for me to say because I have more experience than my co-workers but....the overall change is actually making me happier.  I'm more relaxed, and am listening to music again ( while at work ) and if my supervisor thinks I've suddenly developed a bad attitude that's not my problem. I'm still putting out ( almost ) as much work as I was before....within a small percentage change....which is still  more than my co-workers so I'm not worried about my job. I'm also not feeling as burned out and I'm choosing not to work overtime as much. I don't feel like I'm trying to kill myself everyday...which means...I'm bringing home a better person who's not stressed out everyday and completely physically spent.

Anyway. Sorry for the novel but this is not something I hear people talk about but it's extremely important I feel. Finding motivation in the "new normal " after meds....is definitely different from the "ADHD normal" but not without consequences.  And it doesn't happen overnight.  It's a big adjustment with lots of moving parts.

Last thing I wanted to mention about work, which carries over to so many other things. This was a game changer for me that happened years ago...

I was all stressed out about getting all my jobs done and they had loaded me up with too much work. More than was possible for one person to do. I went to one of the mangers I worked with, who had been around for years, and told him I wasn't going to finish and get everyone's work done. I was visibly upset and he could tell.  He looked at me and said:

"Relax, it'll be fine...don't kill yourself over it. No one in the history of the world ever died from not getting their jewelry on time."

In other words...it's not life or death. 

J

Almost a year after divorce it's become normal to be in unsolved conflict with the children's father. I normally don't think of it in the urgent sense, since I've given up hope it will ever resolve. 

Today I contacted a couple of mutual friends. One of them is loyal to my ex but doesn't admit it. They've heard his version of our divorce and talk to him often but haven't wanted to hear my version. Not that I want to talk about it anymore. They still want to be in my life, but not loyal to me, which doesn't make much sense? Especially since I was loyal and supportive to them in their awful divorce some years back.

But the contact with this friend made me painfully aware of how ugly we've left everything. I must take responsibility for it. We left it a mess. I decided I couldn't repair what he's destroyed - trust, to keep it short. I can't forgive him, since he doesn't want forgiveness. But still. It's a smoking ruin, slightly out of sight most days. And our children magically seem to thrive, but when I was reminded of the ruin, I felt bad for not having cleaned it up, letting them live in it.

I'm dedicated to relations. I care very much. It feels shameful to have this blackened pit where life's biggest attempt at love used to be.

Still, sometimes in life I've decided an issue is not mine to deal with. This is one of these times. I broke myself taking initiatives when we were together. I was the only motor of the family. He's now decided to separate from me entirely and tore down the last shreds of trust to make it definite, doesn't care what I think and wants nothing from me (or so he said until it became clear he expected me to arrange family holidays including him and thought he could charm his way back into my house, and that he imagined I'd continue to be sweet and take all initiatives). I didn't ask for this total break. I couldn't imagine he'd manage without support. But he got the clear break, and I cannot ever take initiatives for him again. For children yes, all the time. But not for him.

He hasn't deserved my initiative, and I don't have any more to dish out. I'm out. I'm permanently out as far as he's concerned.

Values clash here and it puzzles me. Ugly conflict, not my style, not my style to leave messes either, rather to exhaust myself to have peace. But the boundaries concerning him are non-negotiable. Really. It's been that bad.

I guess the friend needs to go. At least as a confidante. Maybe will still get invited to parties. And the ruin I can only hope will tomorrow again slide behind the horizon so I don't have to look at it all the time.