My new boyfriend acts unusual sexually, wants me to tell him what to do because I said I didn't like what he was saying (inappropriate and disrespectful things) during lovemaking.  He seems to switch from being tender and loving to sort of aggressive and forceful. Anyone experience similar behaviour with your ADHD partners?

C brought up Alexithymia in another post, and holy smokes... it sure seems to be another layer in this insane onion I have been peeling for 7 years.  Here is an article about it:

Summary
Alexithymia is a trait that makes it hard to find words for thoughts and feelings. It is experienced by both children and adults and can come in mild, moderate and severe forms. When identified, alexithymia can be treated – with the goal of making feelings and their textures easier to navigate.

http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/mind-guest-blog/the-emotional-blindn...

This talks about that dicsonnecnt between how someone feels - and the inability to EXPRESS those feelings or describe thier feelings.  My husband hits nearly every single one of the symptoms.  From Scientific American:

Alexithymia is defined by:[9]

• Difficulty identifying different types of feelings (my H  - he has never been able to successfully describe his emotions, or understand what he is feeling at the time etc.  Its always been very uncomfortable for him to feel emotions of ANY sort)
• Limited understanding of what causes feelings (I dont think he really has any idea of WHY he feels how he does about things, just that he does, and even that he cant really figure out)
• Difficulty expressing feelings (see above, I am pretty sure the ONLY answer I have ever gotten from him is "I dont know, I dont know how to find the words" etc on how he is feeling)
• Difficulty recognizing facial cues in others (He for sure has NO CLUE on how I am feeling about stuff sometimes, and I know he cant tell about others too on a regular basis)
• Limited or rigid imagination  (I have often wondered if there is anything inside at all, he never shares anything with me, and from what I can see - is not able to use his imagination to envision success or solutions or anything like that.  I dont think he has any sort of "dreams" in the same sense of having goals and visions to strive for - he has zero ambition or drive to accomplish ANYTHING at all)
• Constricted style of thinking  (OH MAN... for sure this... he is unable and unwilling to even consider other points of view or other ideas, even things brought up by professionals..)
• Hypersensitive to physical sensations  (He doesnt like to be touched.  I am not allowed to touch him with out him initiating it.  Can you imagine how hard this has been for so many years to not even be able to HUG him just because I want to?)
• Detached or tentative connection to others  (I am pretty sure that he would be happiest alone, never seeing anyone unless they are providing him a service of some sort or that he is getting something out of it)

Suddenly so much makes sense.    Here is an online questionaire - http://www.alexithymia.us/test-alex.html 

I took it using my "assumption" of my husbands answers - some I know for sure, some were guesses.  I am confident that i got dammed close to how he would answer and the result was 151 points - a "high alexithymic traits" result. 

Here are the treatments that Scientific American talks about:

Courtesy of Deborah Serani

Treatments for Alexithymia
If you love a child or adult with alexithymia, realize that the missed cues, flat reactions or lack of emotional recognition have real neurobiological and psychological origins. Don’t punish, shame or mock their emotional unresponsiveness. Instead, practice patience. Consider explaining your needs in briefer terms, “I’m feeling tired, I don’t want to cook. Let’s get take-out for dinner.” Or helping them label emotions, “You look angry. Is something bothering you?” Help raise their awareness of triggers or stressors that are bubbling to the surface, “You have your SAT’s soon, are you feeling anxious?” Realizing that your loved one may not speak, hear or sense the same emotional language as you can help when conflicts or misunderstandings take place.

If you live with alexithymia, the goal is to strengthen your ability to identify and understand feelings. Teaching yourself about the subjective experiences of others will be important too. Keep in mind that stretching and learning emotional awareness can be a very challenging journey. Here are some ways to broaden your skills:

Journaling: Studies show that expressive writing can be helpful in stretching one’s ability to detect emotions [6]. Generally, it’s recommended to write everyday in a journal, going beyond listing the events of the day. In the beginning this will be hard for those who have thymia. But the goal is to broaden the range of your observations within and outside of yourself.

Reading Novels: The language of describing thoughts, feelings, moments and experiences is literally found in novels. Studies suggest this is a great way to learn expressive language, develop the muscle of receptive language and gain mastery in how to describe a story or personal narrative [7].

The Expressive Arts: Taking a more formal approach with an acting, dance, art, music or movement therapy class has been shown to help those with alexithymia recognize and externalize feelings [8]. Try signing up for courses offered in adult and child education in your town, community programs or college workshops. Consider private sessions with a licensed creative arts or dance movement therapist.

Skill-Based Psychotherapy Treatments: This is a short form of psychotherapy that aims to teach through skill building. Treatments like Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Cognitive Mindfulness Training and Short Term Interpersonal Therapy will teach you how to be more attentive to personal feeling states and how to identify emotions in others [9].

Group Psychotherapy: The interactive aspect of group therapy can offer children and adults ways to explore their own thoughts and feelings as well as experience meaningful exchanges with others. This mode of psychotherapy also deepens a sense of connectedness with others [10].

Hypnosis and Relaxation Training: While most psychotherapies utilize talking as a way to reduce alexithymic symptoms, hypnosis and relaxation training look towards guided imagery and mentalizations to help enhance emotional understanding [11]. Seek out relaxation training workshops in your community, and always work with a licensed hypnotist when using hypnosis treatment for alexithymia.

I posted this hoping that it might help some of us here understand the apathy issues we face.  Thanks again C for bringing it to my attention....

Yesterday was my company picnic. I asked H 2 weeks ago if he wanted to get off work early and come to it since he only works about 15 minutes away. He said "Nah, you go ahead and go without me. Last time it was kind of boring and you'll have more fun if you don't have to tote me around". Well no, actually it would be really nice to have you there since most people bring their spouses, but whatever. I'm sure he never gave it a second thought. So I wasn't even going to remind him of it yesterday because I figured I'd just go for the snacks and drinks and leave when they were going to serve the meal and I'd still be home before him and he'd never know any different, but I sent him an email from work yesterday saying "Forgot to mention to you that it’s our picnic today.  I have no desire to stick around for the meal, just the snacks and drinks.  I’m sure I’ll still beat you home tonight." He responds with "Grab a plate for me too". I don't know if he was trying to be funny or what (because if he wanted a plate he should have come!) but I told him "As I said, I’ll be taking off before the meal is ready to go.  We’ve got brats to cook for dinner at home!" and he responds with "Okay sounds good".

The reason I was skipping the meal is so we could have dinner together at home because or else I could just hear from previous times "Oh you didn't bring anything home for me? Great thanks for thinking of me! Now I have to find something to eat for myself." I could just see it. I get home at 6:30, about 15-30 minutes before I expected him home. 7:30 he still wasn't home. 8:00 he still wasn't home. 8:30 he finally calls me all upbeat and the first words out of my mouth to him are "Don't tell me you are still at work" (I knew he wouldn't be). He goes "Well kind of. I had to deliver a motorcycle to one of the customers and I asked my coworker if he wanted to follow me and then we'd stop and have a beer and then he could drop me back off at the shop. We went to the pub and ran into a guy I know and we started talking motorcycles. But now I'm back at the shop and on my way home." I was furious! I skipped the meal at the picnic to have dinner with him. He knew I was going to be home before him and that we were going to have brats for dinner. I could have hung out much longer with my coworkers. Oh AND the place we had the picnic was about 4 blocks from my work and the pub they went to (that they always go to) is LITERALLY 3 doors down from where I work! I could have easily met him if I had stayed and eaten at the picnic but he tells me "Oh I thought you were going to be leaving for home at like 5PM before I even got off." He didn't even try and call me. Not only did he not try and call me about that, but he didn't even bother to call me and tell he was going to this pub. He's just 2 hours late getting home but it's not a big deal. Then he went on about how the guy he asked to go to the pub with him was so grateful for him asking him to go because he doesn't know anyone here. That's great, but I expected us to be having dinner together. I at least should have gotten a call before you made the decision to go there so I wasn't sitting there waiting to have something to eat. If I had pulled this stunt, you can be sure I'd be hearing about it for days about how I didn't call and came home late. I'd probably even get "Oh were you with your boyfriend?"

He finally gets home about 9PM and after 5 minutes I tell him I'm tired and going to bed. I WAS tired, but I was more irritated than anything and he could tell. He then tells me he's tired too and going to check his email, log into his game and see what's going on and he'll be in shortly. Well anytime he tells me he'll "be in shortly" I can pretty much take that as that's the absolute opposite of what he's going to do. Sure enough, I wake up aat 11 and hear the video game. He didn't even seem to bother to try and keep the noise down. I shut the door and turn on the fan to block it out. He doesn't come to bed until almost 1AM! Okay you know you already irritated me by not coming home until later and not letting me know, and then you irritate me again by spending nearly 4 hours playing your stupid video game! Thanks for spending 5 minutes of your day with me! God I want to throw that computer of his out the window! He will sit there for hours on end playing that. Maybe come and sit with me for 30 minutes before he has to race off and play again. Nothing else gets done around the house.

You know what I accomplished in a 2 hour time span after I got home from work and before he got home a few days ago? I vacuumed, mopped the floor, cleaned the bathrooms, watered the garden, picked ripe veggies from the garden, and started laundry. Do you know what he accomplished over the entire weekend last weekend? Moving the trailer from the street to the driveway, which he had said he was going to do 2 weeks prior! That's it! Something that took 10 minutes. The rest was drinking and video gaming! And he thinks moving the trailer was just a huge thing to have done.

I am SO SO SO tired of hearing things come out of my husband's mouth and then 30 minutes later it's like he never said them. Below are several examples.

1) The one I've been hearing for a couple of months now is that he's going to work on the pond tomorrow or this weekend. Even didn't go into work for 4 days because he was upset with a customer. He could have worked on it and had it done well within that time as the weather was nice. It was his idea to have this pond and worked on it last year, but everything went downhill because he didn't take care of it so he had to empty it and dig it out some more. He started digging it out but that ceased after a day. He's had probably 20 nice days where he wasn't working that he could have done it. Even tells me he could finish it in a day. Yet every time I come home form work all he's done its sit and play his video game and drink beer. Tells me all he wants to do is chill out on his days off. So why do you say you'll work on the pond day after day, not to mention keep telling me you need to fix both our trucks and never do it? Then the rainy season will start soon and he'll say "Well I guess I can't work on the pond now due to the crappy weather. Thanks summer!" Like he never had the opportunity up until that point to do it and now he can't!

2) We went out 2 Wednesday's ago and didn't get home until about 11:30 that night. He goes on the computer onto Facebook and sends his daughter a message saying "Want to go to sushi?". That's it. Keep in mind that she is 3 1/2 hours away and he hasn't seen her in over 2 months. He is also somewhat drunk and probably thought this was a great thing to say. He didn't tell me he wrote her this, I just snooped on his Facebook as I often do. She responds the following morning "Sounds good. Do you want to go to the same place we did last time you came down?" He goes "Sure" and then says "I'll try and come down this weekend, but if not then definitely next weekend." He had to work that entire weekend so I don't know why he even said that. He had the following weekend off so I thought he'd go down then. Nope. Didn't go down, didn't tell me he even planned on it, and never even told her he wasn't going to come down. There hasn't been any communication since that last message about him coming down.

3) Last Thursday it was extremely hot. Too hot to cook. He got home and said "What's for dinner?" I said "Why don't we order a pizza?" He said "That sounds great!" About 20 minutes later I hop on the laptop to order it and he comes out and says "What ARE you doing?" really sarcastically. I say "I'm ordering the pizza we talked about. Is that OKAY??" He goes "I don't think pizza is going to cut it. It's too hot for that". You JUST told me pizza sounded great and now you act like I'm out of my mind for ordering it! I go "Okay what if I make some macaroni salad?" He shrugged his shoulders and said "Whatever." I said "Well what would you prefer?" He goes "Whatever you want to eat". I will eat whatever, YOU are the one who had a hissy fit about the pizza YOU previously said sounded great!"

Why on earth do they say these things? They obviously have no plans of every following through!