My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD, on the heels of having our 5 year old son diagnosed as well.  After some acceptance of his overall diagnosis and a lot of pushback on the treatment end, my husband is slowly coming around to recognizing he needs to work on things.  While he has done well career-wise, he's in denial that seeking treatment for his ADHD could drastically improve things at home.  We are participating in Melissa Orlov's ADHD in Marriage seminar via phone and he seems to be somewhat coming to terms with having to work on things.  I've already told my husband that this is it for me.  Either he takes responsibility for his ADHD and we work together or I'm ending the marriage (after nearly 12 years).  I will say he has been trying to make more of an effort to help out around the house.  I"m weary of praising him for taking on the chores and responsibilities he should have already been doing.  While I know I should recognize them, i feel like it's only a matter of time before the "honeymoon period" of him helping is over and he resorts back to his old ways.  And really, let's face it, no one praises me for running around like a chicken with my head cut off for everyone else's sake every day.

This weekend was Mother's Day.  We decided to go to breakfast with our 3 young kids on Saturday instead of Sunday.  Overall breakfast was fine but instead of helping me cut up food for our younger 2 kids, he sat and watched me cut up food, pour syrup, push up sleeves, etc... and then dove into his own breakfast.  By the time I got everyone settled, he was more than 1/2 done with his breakfast.  I didn't say anything but just let it go.  The day continued with errands, house work, sports for our kids, etc...  While I'm never one for being big into celebrating things like my b-day or Mother's Day, etc... a little recognition of these days would be nice.  My kids were quite eager to wake us up early yesterday to wish me a happy mother's day and give me their hand-made presents... which, of course, I enjoyed!!  My husband then just handed me a card and said Happy mother's day.  While we had no real concrete plans, other than a sports game and taking my mom to dinner, the day kind of went downhill when one child ended up having strep and having a rough day. 

Last night, instead of reading stories and helping the kids get ready for bed, he went outside to cut the lawn (one of his fav activities).  Then after the kids were in bed and I was doing laundry and making lunches for the kids for today, he came inside and announced he was going to take the cars for a car wash cause he had a free coupon.

When we went to bed last night, my husband said that he hoped I really enjoyed my Mother's Day.  I was so upset because he seemed to genuinely think I enjoyed the day/weekend.  I'm not one for looking for gifts, etc... but I was so disappointed that I didn't even get a bouquet of flowers or something from my husband.  I was thinking that I was heading into the weekend with little to no expectations so I wouldn't be hurt.  I guess the fact that I was in tears last night and this AM tells me that I did have some, bare minimum expectations, about my husband acknowledging yesterday as Mother's Day with more than just a simple card. 

When he realized this AM that I was upset, I let it out.  He was so shocked that I was upset at the weekend overall and couldn't fathom why I didn't have a good time.  He told me it didn't even dawn on him about getting flowers because he had been so focused on trying to help out over the last couple of weeks at home, that he thought that would mean more.  So, of course, that only made me more upset.  Am I really supposed to forego any recognition on holidays, b-days, etc... because he's trying to focus on pulling his own weight at home?!  I've been holding the house and family together, on top of working full-time, for so long that now I'm supposed to continue to sacrifice?  I'm supposed to be happy that he's finally working to pull a portion of his weight in the marriage and house that that's supposed to be good enough?  Am I the only one who thinks that this isn't fair and isn't right?  Am I the only one who is struggling to realize that NOW in order to have my ADHD husband focus on the responsibilities that he accepted when we got married and became parents, I somehow have to forego any sort of romance, acknowledgment of appreciation, etc...? 

AM I the only one who wonders if there's more out there in other people's relationships?  Why can't I have my cake and eat it to?  Why can't I have a husband who helps out at home and with the kids and who also shows his appreciation and affection for me as his wife and the mother of his 3 children?  Is that honestly too much to ask?  I'm really starting to see the harsh reality that it might be too much to ask of a husband with ADHD.  And really, i'm a lot more upset about it than I thought i would be.

I'd like to think of myself as a strong person but even this seems like a hard lesson in life to swallow.

I think this particular piece of advice from this forum could easily apply to all sectors of married life.  

"The goal is to be the best people we can be...and see if this keeps us married.  You don't want to remain married at all costs (that's the "old" way)"  ~Melissa Orlov~   

I choose to believe my ADHD spouse and I are both working on that.

I have set up my own necessary boundaries.  I do indeed understand that it is hard for my spouse to be held at arm's length.  I also understand why it is still necessary for me to hold my spouse at arm's length. I am not looking for perfection.  I am looking for consistency. Only Liz will know when it is time to choose to change that dynamic.  I cannot allow my own random fears, based on old thinking:   "You'll ruin everything."  "You are being too hard."  "You expect too much." to cause me to be manipulated.  Nope, I will ruin nothing.  I will instead discover what I really have.  Nope, I am not being too hard.  I am being real.  Nope, I do not expect too much.  I have clear goals - not too soft, not too hard, just right! 

The rose-colored glasses?  Gone.

Gullible Liz?  Gone; well, for the most part, LOL!!  

The naivety?  Gone.

Feeling manipulated by guilt and anger?  Gone.  

I have acknowledged what I did.  I am not dwelling there.  

I can say no.  I can say, "I was misunderstood."  I can say, "No, that is not what I said."  

Yes, my wants and needs have matured and evolved.  I choose to believe my own feelings and needs are important.  I have learned skills to remove myself from the poor coping mechanisms of learned helplessness and feeling guilty.  

I try hard to be polite, yet persistent! 

That is where Liz is at, this May 7th, 2016.

I like it.

Very truly,

Liz

Good morning. 

Where to begin? Ahh, perhaps the beginning:

I was diagnosed with ADD in my mid-20s when I only had two toddlers and was a navy wife stationed hundreds of miles from family, friends, and support. I was overwhelmed and not keeping up with domestic tasks. I was placed on Adderall with no therapies. It raised my BP so my PCM placed me on wellbuterin. That gave me migraines. After becoming frustrated with my PCM over constant ineffective med changes and all the side effects that came with them, I gave up and learned to cope on my own.

Four years ago my husband retired and we moved close to my mother. I was now older (wiser?) and aware of my limits. Our entire family had difficulties transitioning to civilian life. The loss of our military community and its resources took a toll on all of us. My husband enrolled full-time in college, I enrolled part time in art school. My two toddlers were now in high and middle school, while our youngest only in second grade. Our eldest started cutting. Our middle was diagnosed with ASD and refused therapy. Our youngest had difficulty relating to peers and making friends. My husband was diagnosed with severe PTSD accompanied with depression and placed on Zoloft.

Then, everything fell completely apart.

Last summer my husband disengaged from our family. I failed to reel him in regardless of any angle I tried. My clientel was growing rapidly. The kids were doing much better. I, without realizing, hyperfocused on every aspect of my art: webinars, art school, building my business, and trying so hard to please clients. At the end of summer I found out my husband had an emotional affair. We had just celebrated 18 years of marriage and the affair partner 12 years younger than my husband. Devastating does not even begin to describe.

In true ADHD fashion my emotions sky rocketed: despair, anger, incredible sadness, and an urgency to find and fix whatever was wrong. I couldn't control anything: my words, my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. I said hateful things that I immediately regretted the moment they left my lips. I cried. I screamed. I wailed. I slept all the time and never at all. Some days I'd wake up to get the kids off to school, return to bed only to be awoken when my daughter returned home that afternoon. Others I was awake for more than 40 hours before I could find slumber. It was all unfamiliar and completely uncontrollable. It seemed the more I tried, the more I failed.

A few months after my discovery, real conversation started taking place between my husband and I. It felt like blaming. He said I made him feel unloved and abandoned. He said I didn't hear him or acknowledge what he was telling me. He said I didn't touch him anymore. He said I was unavailable. I didn't understand. I had been trying my hardest all summer to get him to reengage with us. He pushed me away. What did he mean I wasn't there, that I had abandoned him? He explained my art took too much of my attention away from him. That my school felt more important. He said I put too much on his plate: the kids, the laundry, the housework, the animals. He said he felt stretched to his limit as it was with a 40+ hour work week and full time classes.

I quit. I quit it all. I knew I had difficulties what I called, "balancing." I made him my priority because my marriage and my husband were so important to me. I paid attention to how much I touched him. I sat next to him while he played video games and watched sports. I took all of the housework, children, animal, household responsibilities back. I made his coffee and brought it to him. I cooked his breakfast. Yet, nothing seemed to change on his end. And I was left feeling like a maid.

I asked him why he hadn't changed. I wanted to know why I was the only one making sacrifices. Was he making them too but I just couldn't see them? Then he started telling me I was embarrassing when I dropped him off at work on days I needed our only vehicle for child chauffeuring. He said it was a turnoff and completely embarrassing when I didn't wear flattering clothes and didn't wear makeup or so my hair. Why on earth should I have to get up at 5 am to to my hair and makeup and put on heels just to drive him 2 miles to work when I'm already up at 6 to get kids off to school and cater to him? All I'm going to do when I get back from dropping him off is get sweaty and hot trying to tackle 7 million loads of laundry and 800 dust bunnies and not even do that right. I came to the conclusion that he wanted me to be a person that I simply wasn't.

When I told him I was not a stepford trophy wife and I had zero desire to be one, he said that wasn't what he wanted it meant. I didn't understand. I still don't understand. I addressed feeling like a maid. He said he was sorry. I told him I felt I had no purpose. I wanted, I yearned, to be more. I'm horrible at domestic duties. I can't remember which kid needs what for school. My 17 year old will tell me he needs conditioner and my 11 year old pencils and I buy my 17 year old a binder and my 11 year old a candy bar. Who does this???? I was good at my art. It made me feel accomplished. It is literally the only thing in the world that I have never failed at. It is the only thing I truly understand and feel whole and like I'm a normal, functioning human being. He didn't get it.

I asked for marriage counseling because it became apparent we had communication issues. I felt as if everything I said fell to the wayside. Nothing stuck. And, according to him, I didn't understand and misconstrued everything he said. He dragged his feet. For months!!! My intuition went off and I started to snoop. I begged, pleaded, cried, ranted, screamed...out of control, all over again...what are you not telling me? What are you keeping from me. He said nothing. He said I was paranoid. He made me feel like I was going crazy. I lost huge blocks of time searching through his laptop, his accounts, everything. I found proof of an affair. He denied. I became so intrusive and accusing. I was at a loss. I couldn't make him be honest with me. I hated the person I had become.

I finally went to my Dr. She said I had Inattentive ADHD along with a touch of depression. She placed me on Vyvanse and eventually Zoloft. I also sought verbal therapy.

While my abilities to focus and stay on task greatly increased, there was no improvement in my marriage. I asked why he hadn't made the marriage counseling appointment. I got excuses. I laid down ultimatums. They were never fullfilled. Our arguments became yelling matches and closer together. I finally asked him to move out. He refused. He said he loved me. He said he wanted our marriage to work. 

In February a co-worker of his and former client of mine sent me a message declaring her love for my husband. They had been having an affair since October. Done. I was done. Again with the uncontrollable emotions and words. The hateful verbage flew out of my mouth before I could stop it. He sat around in a hoodie, with his hood up, constantly. Every time I tried to have a call and meaningful conversation with the intention of getting to the bottom, he would shut down. I got so angry and entirely frustrated. Then last month, in the heat of the moment, he declared apologetically that I am cold, emotionally selfish and unavailable. That I never let him talk. I constantly interrupt him therefore I don't have interest in what he has to say. And again, he said I wasn't there for him. I yelled back, what do you mean? I'm right here!!! I dropped everything for you. I took everything back into my plate. I watch you play video games. I did everything you asked of me. He just shook his head and walked off.

But he did make that marriage counseling appointment. Guess what? He was right. I was emotionally selfish. I constantly interrupted not only him but everyone! He had been trying to tell me - for years!!! - that he needed me and he was lonely. I took it so literally the times I did hear him. I misconstrued mostly all of what he said. I know it doesn't excuse the choices he made to solve and he has taken complete responsibility for those choices.

I had no clue I was so socially inept. I have always been sort of a loner, not out of choice, but because I felt diminished and inferior, small, in the company of people who didn't understand my quirks and verbage. It has gotten so bad in my early 30s that I just avoided anything social. I thought I just had social anxiety. When we moved here in 2012 I tried to make friends with my kids' friends parents. I seem to put my foot in my mouth at the worst possible moment and they all eventually yet quickly backed away. Other folks seemed to treat me as if I were invisible. I got talked over. I would miss opportunities to join a conversation. I knew I had an issue understanding and interpreting how conversations were delivered. What the words really meant. I'd go over past conversations in my head over and over again. I would even ask my husband, what did they mean by ____? 

In middle school I discovered myself as the third wheel to a best friend duo. I didn't date in high school. I had no idea how to flirt as an adult. I mean, the way my husband and I met and married was even blunt and to the point. A mutual friend said he thought I was cute. I walked up to him and said, "Dinner. Friday. Pick me up at 6. You're paying." 

As therapy continues, I find out more and more of what my Inattentive ADHD is responsible for. I feel completely responsible for everything that went wrong in my marriage. I feel incapable, inadequate, not fit for any social interaction. I feel broken and toxic. I feel so guilty and horrible for not catching that my own husband needed me and I didn't see it. That poor man has PTSD and I failed to support him in the ways he needed me most. Then I said hateful and demeaning things that I can't take back in response to him telling me I wasn't there.

I feel so angry that I'm about to turn 40 and my marriage counselor - not my pcm, not my ADHD counselor, none of the doctors and counselors I've seen in the last 15 years - mentioned ANY of this. The only part I knew was that I couldn't concentrate, focus, or stay on task. I had no clue, until this month, that the out of control and inability to control my emotions was ADHD related. I had no earthly idea that the reason I couldn't socialize "normally" was ADHD related. I had no knowledge that the constant analyzation and over analyzation was due to my ADHD. I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn't complete domestic tasks like a normal person. I thought I was lazy and no matter what I tried to kick the lazy out, I failed. Why does my ADHD counselor want to talk about dividing a room into fourths when she knew my marriage was falling apart? Why didn't she educate me on all of this? All I talked about was how my house was a wreck because I spent all day researching how to fix my marriage.

So here I sit, turning 40 on Tuesday with Mother's Day on Sunday, with my kids, my husband, and my mother all hounding me about how I want to spend my day and what I do I want as presents. I don't. I don't feel worthy. I have failed at being the parent and wife they needed and deserved. I feel so deflated. 

My husband and I are still setting up cues for when I subject hop or I talk too fast for him to keep up. We are still trying to make adjustments according to my ineptness. He is being so patient and kind and encouraging. I feel so undeserving. But we are making progress, taking baby steps. Stopping the heavy conversation when either of us gets overwhelmed or frustrated. Tempers haven't flared. I am learning patience. I am learning to communicate at his pace. I'm picking up on the things I was previously unaware of. It is going so slow. But I know this is all going to take time.

I can't bear to look at my art equipment. I feel sick when I think about it. We need me to have an income and I just can't bring myself to make any art. In so scared of becoming hyperfocused again. I'm scared to communicate with potential clients. With everything else, it's just too much. I've been searching for a job and find I qualify for little. And none seem to fit my family or household demands. I'm scared to death out one more thing on my plate while I'm trying to learn to manage all of this newly discovered shortcomings. The last thing I want is to put something from my plate onto my husband's. So I freeze. I look at listings and save them. I talk about them and ask my husband's opinion. But I can't bring myself to apply.

So I guess I'm here for support. I guess I found "my tribe.

If you got through my real life Lifetime movie, thank you for reading. I appreciate it.

I'm not sure whether to cry with joy or sadness at finding this site--I'm so relieved to find others going through the same things, but then I'm sad for those of you going through the same things!  I've been overwhelmed lately, with the normal responsibilities that I have to take care of since P doesn't follow through with much, even when I ask for help.  I'm trying to start a new career while working in my old job that I hate, running the kids around at least five nights a week, we're strapped financially with daily bills, and our oldest is starting college this fall. I sat down and told P very calmly that with all that was going to be happening in our lives with my new job and schedule change, that he would need to be more available to help with the kids and household.  He promised he would be more helpful and told me not to worry, and it felt like the movie Groudhog Day yet again.  I feel like a description is in order--maybe someone can identify with the same habits and issues with their ADHD spouse.  

P is a wonderful person, he's generous, smart, witty, and happens to be a clinically depressed alcoholic, workaholic, hoarder with the ability to close off his emotions with the drop of one of my tears.  Thank God he's sober,  and on meds for his ADHD that have also done wonders for his depression.  Despite those awesome developments of proper medication and newfound sobriety, some things just never change.  We were arguing over household chores again, and I broke down and admitted to him how incredibly stressed out I was.  I told him I was crying on my way home from work the other day and was fantasizing about just steering my car into a tree.  HIs response was to turn his back to me and go to sleep.  I sat there sobbing in bed next to him and he didn't do or say anything at all.  Is this "normal" for an ADHD spouse to react that way?  It's definitely not the first time he's turned his back on me when I've been distraught, but this cuts to the core.  I don't know if I can get past this, I'm so incredibly hurt and lonely.  This can't be healthy for me to stay, but I don't want to break up my family.  He's slowly sucking the very breathe out of me.