Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Catch 22 - Both Partners Needing Support at Same Time by: BrandonADHD 8 years 6 months ago

    Hi all, I could really use some advice or encouragement here. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD about 5 months ago and am still just learning the impact it has and continues to have of me and my relationship with my wife. A the same time, my wife is also going through her own battles with grief (lost her brother) and chronic illness (resurgence of Lyme) that is physical exhausting and in addition to her ongoing depression and anxiety. This is creating a Catch 22 situation in which we are really not supporting each other because we both need support ourselves! As a result, we both don't feel supported by the other and that is taking a huge toll on our relationship.

    We were just married in October and I feel like there is definitely resentment on both sides. She needs an emotionally supportive and consistent partner, but this is not me (right now) as I learn about how to better regulate my emotions, respond to her emotions, and deal with the symptoms of ADHD. And on this journey toward my own self improvement, I also need a supportive and patient partner, which is also very difficult for her. This is not how I imagined starting our life together as newlyweds.

    People have commented that even objectively, we have a lot on our plate. I am also struggling to finish my PhD while searching for jobs. Needless to say, I feel stressed and overwhelmed in addition to a host of emotions that I am trying to get a handle on and that include:

    • Anger/resentment toward my wife.
    • Sadness about where our lives are at.
    • Exhaustion - Physical and Mental taking on more household chores while also dealing with both of our emotions.
    • Guilt over my inadequacy as a supportive partner
    • Cautious/tentative when relating to my wife because I don't know how she will react.

    I am frightened about the future and what it holds for us as a strong couple. If she wasn't dealing with her own battles, I think she would likely be more supportive. Instead, she is shutting down (e.g., not being vulnerable anymore) and I experience demeaning, passive aggressive, and condescending comments that further exacerbate my emotions. I can understand why as I have broken significant trust over the past couples years, but this also has a big impact back on me. I end up struggling to work through intense emotions brought on by these interactions (and shutting down a bit myself) instead of focusing on how to overcome my symptoms as well as finishing my PhD/finding a job (something we both really want ASAP).

    Every day sucks a bit more and I don't feel like we are building. She doesn't feel acknowledged by me and I don't feel acknowledged/understood by her.

    I still love her deeply, but this stalemate cannot continue. My hope for a positive and fulfilling long-term relationship is waning.

    Has anyone been stuck in this paradox of both the ADHD partner and the non-ADHD partner needing support, but neither able to provide? What was your experience? What types of advice do you have? 

    Thanks,

    Brandon

  • I'm not trying to injure his pride; I'm trying to find a clean fork by: Pestle 8 years 6 months ago

    SO hates dishes but doesn't feel confident enough about any other household task to take it on without asking me to do it for him or expecting me to stand right over him and issue instructions every five seconds. (Not quite true . . . he "does the laundry," i.e., he starts a load of laundry, plays computer games for 2 hours, finishes the load, sets the laundry basket near the computer for another 2 hours, half-heartedly folds a few items from the basket, forgets it's clean, throws a few dirty things on top, and puts the whole thing back in the washer. Multiple times a week. My clothing is wearing out and I never get to wear it.) So he's on dish duty by his own choice. And this means that my meals come with the remnants of previous meals plastered to the dishes and the silverware. I usually just scrape it off and don't say anything, but the other night I brought the veggie chopper jar out to him. It was encrusted with raw potato. Disgusting, blackened raw potato. "Did you see a problem with this when you put it away?" I asked. "I thought it was supposed to be like that," he said. "Covered in garbage?" "It's new. How am I supposed to know what it's supposed to look like?" he asked. So I went to go wash it, and he yelled at me and told me that if it was such a problem, he'd do it. And it's back in the drying rack again, still covered with rotting potato.

    I cooked with my kid today, and had to keep putting tools aside and fishing for another tool that wasn't covered in yuck. Why are we paying a water bill if all he's doing is getting the dishes wet? And then throwing a screaming temper tantrum if I complain . . . am I really some overly-demanding perfectionist if I think it's disgusting to only wash the inside of the bowls and to leave last night's soup dripped down the outside?

  • Final straw? by: jennae 8 years 6 months ago

    This is my first post but I'm finally ready to talk, now that my marriage may be over. Together 18 years, married 16, two amazing children. Husband diagnosed 2 years ago with ADHD and taking Adderall and an ssri, although he was diagnosed when he was young but his mother was afraid the meds would stunt his growth so it was swept under the rug. Ironically she is obviously suffering from ADHD as well but would never accept that and I would never suggest it although I love her dearly. I am not allowed to tell a soul about my husband's condition and I often feel so alone and trapped. 

    I read books about ADHD but he will not, nor does he want to learn about it. He just wants to take a pill. Despite my efforts, he mostly eats junk when he does eat at all, has a massive sweet tooth, has been addicted to Copenhagen since he was 15, rarely exercises although over the years he's been hyper focused on it. Learning about ADHD has made our relationship make sense to me at last, but I also get so angry that this is the way it will be... Had I known I would have never married him but our children do make it all worth it. In fact the only reason I am sad about my marriage ending is for them. My parents were divorced and I never wanted that for my children.

    Over the years I have wondered how we got here. And I've wondered where I've gone. I've lost myself, walking on eggshells and trying to keep him happy. When he is, all is right in the world. We've been through therapy several times. He had a sexting affair, I chose to believe that it wasn't more than that, and his hyper focus on our relationship reminded me of how I fell in love with him in the first place. We viewed it as the worst and best thing to happen to us as our marriage has been much better. I never thought it would happen again. But yesterday I saw a text pop up that I asked him about and he denied knowing this person. He even called the number over speaker and acted like he didn't know her. When I looked up her number I find that she is an escort. And going through phone records today I discovered that their first contact was last summer. No other records but if other texts were via iMessage I will never know. I even tried calling her today but she did not answer. 

    He does not know that I know yet. I love him but I hate him for throwing our marriage and family away. I have always warned him that if he ever cheated I would be gone. He even said yesterday that he knows that and he never would. 

    He lies about things that don't even matter, so of course he would lie to cover the biggest mistake of all. We have a 4 hour drive home ahead of us today. I can't decide if I will hold my cards close or tell him as we drive. 

  • what's the difference between acceptance and giving up?? by: dvance 8 years 6 months ago

    Okay, this is on my mind a lot lately--what is the difference between accepting who DH is and just giving in/up??  I suspect it's more in the spirit of the thing than the actual way it plays out, but please offer some thoughts.  Here is what I think about: if DH rarely pays attention or remembers things I tell him, why bother to tell him?  I set up a Google family calendar--DH and I are on it plus both boys.  I put EVERYTHING on it--I mean EVERYTHING.  He does not check it regularly and has never put anything on it.  A few times I have scheduled something and put it on the calendar and he tells me some conflict that he "forgot" to put on there.  Well, okay--I cannot make him use it and just because it is useful for me does not mean it is useful for him (acceptance) BUT then how are we supposed to keep 4 schedules straight??    Another example--one of our family's favorite restaurants, literally around the corner from our apartment, closed abruptly and unexpectedly.  I told him about it last week--like came home and announced this to everyone in a shocked voice.  He answered me--concurred with my shock and bummed-ness.  This morning he says to me--HEY--did you know Dave's closed?!?!?!  I did NOT point out that he heard that from me, instead I said I heard--so bummed!!!  And left it at that.  So I accept that he either did not really pay attention when I told him last week, accept that really who cares--it was a nothing bit of trivia, and I have nothing to gain by making him feel small that I told him last week and move on OR resign myself to the fact that he doesn't listen or retain, so why tell him stuff?  Another example--we are having a pretty hard time in our marriage right now (really for the past 4 years) and Thursday night I was stuck at work way longer than I hoped to be.  I texted him that I missed him and the way we used to be.  Got no response, either by text or any time since.  When I walked in the door about an hour after I sent that text, he said nothing.  Still hasn't.  I asked him tonight if he received it and he said yes, I answered you.  I said no you didn't.  He said Oh, I thought I did.  And walked away.  So again--why bother sending texts?  That is what usually happens--texts are answered sporadically if at all.  At what point does acceptance tip over into giving up?  If you reach out so many times in so many different ways and get inconsistent or unsatisfying responses, how long until you stop trying?  And is that accepting that DH just cannot respond to things in any meaningful way so why set him up and then be disappointed myself OR is that giving up?  I have been told by him for the past 4 years that he is a grown up and he can do whatever he wants.  So I have finally gotten that fact through my head and I don't ask what he is doing or feeling or pretty much anything--when I ask questions he says I am interrogating him.  So accept that he cannot handle questions, no matter how neutral or give up and just not know stuff??  We had a 30 minute phone conference with our 17 year old son's counselor (he is in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction) and it was a good conversation but pretty loaded too and when we hung up the phone, he just went back to work.  Literally NOTHING about the content of the call.  Well, okay--I happened to be off and he worked from home today, so he did have things to get back to so I asked after dinner what he thought of the call.  He thought the counselor made some good points.  That's it.  I just cannot win--if I talk/ask questions, he feels flooded/interrogated, if I keep very quiet he says I am being withdrawn.  Um, you can't have it both ways.  How am I supposed to guess when you can handle what?  and for how long?  and under what circumstances?  I no longer ask DH for his opinion on anything--he overreacts terribly and it's not helpful.  He and DS ordered something on Amazon for DS's girlfriend's birthday which is Sunday.  It arrived broken, but it was possible to glue--it's a picture frame with a little heart on the corner--easy enough to glue back on OR return it and go buy something at a store.  DH came up from getting the mail and threw the box on the ground just LIVID that it was broken and they would not have time to have another one sent by Sunday.  Um, buy something at a store and don't sweat it.  He tells me just forget it--you always have a better plan than I do.  I almost laughed--NO, that would be you.  I offer virtually NOTHING because I know you don't listen anyway.

     

    Sorry--I am all over the place lately.  It's been a tough few weeks.  I am so lonely and unhappy and worried about my oldest son and his recovery.  I am just wrung out.  Today I had off school and I literally slept all day.  Got up at 10am, ate breakfast, had this 11am conference call and went back to bed.  Literally until 5:30 tonight.  And I could have kept sleeping.  Am I avoiding my life??  Darn right I am!!!!  The only item on my bucket list is to live alone in a studio apartment decorated in all white.  Alone.  By myself.  Alone.  I could come home after work on Friday and not speak to another living soul until Monday if I wanted to.  I could live on oatmeal and peanut butter toast.  Alone.  

    any thoughts about the acceptance v giving up??

    dv

  • Balancing work and childcare-spouse with ADHD by: megan722 8 years 6 months ago

    I'm new here and hoping for some insight. My husband I have been married for almost 13 years and have 3 kids (9, 6 and almost 3). He has ADHD. I'm guessing he's had it a loooong time but was able to cope until life got busier with multiple kids and the stress of work. He went on medication (Adderal) a few months ago. We've seen a big change in his focus for sure. He's very bright and has always thrived at work. He's always held down a steady job and our finances are good because I'm in charge of them-if he's in charge, we have issue (overspending, forgetting to pay bills). I'm a total type A personality and uber organized so I do the bills and we go over them together once a month.

    Really, the main issue we've had is with our schedules. We both work full time. My job is a bit of an odd job as I work 24 hour call from home 7-8 times a month. My job is very high stress and during the times I'm on call, I'm pretty much working 20 hours of the 24. My husband works at a high school and technically gets off at 2:30 pm and normally is home by 3:30-4:00 pm as he never leaves work on time (I'm assuming this is part of the ADHD as he just can't shut off or stick to a schedule). We've talked multiple times about how on my call days, I need him home by 3:30. I drop the two oldest off at school and the youngest one at my moms and then work from home until 2pm when I do school pickup and pickup the 3 year old. By the time I'm home, it's 3ish and then its the mad rush of homework, baseball practice, dance, art, and balancing call with my phone and pager going off non stop. My husband has a REALLY hard time committing to being home on time and it's driving me insane. Last week, I was on call Tuesday. It was also my first day on call in a new dept so I was super nervous. He woke me up at 5am to tell me he totally forgot about a meeting at work and just realized he wouldn't be home until 5pm not 3:30 like I had asked him. He kept telling me to just "figure out" what to do with the kids until I totally lost it and became a raging luanatic screaming at him.... My parents were watching my youngest but had plans that afternoon so they dropped him off at 3:30 pm and I had to struggle through admitting patients, patient calls and talking to my surgeon I take call for with 3 kids in the background running wild. It was horrible.

    We had a long talk after that and he promised to put all my call days in his phone and said he would make sure to not schedule any late meetings. We're also in the process of selling our house and buying a new one and have multiple meetings set up with our realtor, lender and contractor. We went over both our schedules and I emailed him my May schedule so this wouldn't happen again and he said he put it in his phone. Today, we have dinner plans for our brother in laws bday. I was talking to him on his lunch break today and said maybe we could run some errands before. He had completely forgot about dinner and scheduled a meeting (that he had not told me about nor put on the calendar) and will be home at 5pm. When I got frustrated, he said the schedule shouldn't matter unless I'm on call and I'm not... he doesn't seem to get that it's just common courtesy to tell someone if you're going to be home late. I got frustrated and said I would like for us to meet together with his therapist (the one that diagnosed him-he sees her once a month and we go together at times as well) to get some tools for how to work our schedule out together and to help him see how important this is to me. He got frustrated and said "I'm taking the meds. That should be enough." He agreed to set up an appt and said he would set it up for a week from Monday. I said, "No, I work that day. I'm on call." and he said "No, you aren't. I'm looking at my calendar." So we went back over the email I sent him and he only entered in 4 of the 6 call days I sent. He totally skipped over 2 of them. He said it was a complete accident and I'm sure it was but how can I trust him to be home on time if he can't even take the info I email him an put it in his calendar?!

    HELP! He says it's my fault for being "too organized" and wanting a perfect schedule. I say that we need to work together with 2 full time working parents and 3 small kids. How do I get him to see this? What tools can we use to sync our schedules without him feeling like I'm asking for too much? Am I asking for too much? Is this too much to expect?

  • Things we can change, and things we cannot by: I'm So Exhausted 8 years 6 months ago

    There are some dynamics/behaviors/things in my relationship I want to change.  Yep, I do.  Change can only be accomplished if a person wants to change.  

    I learned a long hard lesson that took many years to get firmly embedded in my life.  .  I spent years changing to please my spouse, and anyone/everyone else.  I wanted to be likeable - actually, I wanted EVERYONE to like me.  I thought my world would come to an end if someone did not like me.  How did I develop that 'ideal''?  Oh, I guess it had to do with my family dynamics and how I became a people pleaser. 

    I have been a recovering people pleaser for years!  

    Two people in a relationship have 2 different sets of priorities. Understanding them, and working together to make sure both lives are fulfilled is a good goal.  Trying to insist the other person change their list to fit your own agenda - nope, not a good idea.

    We cannot change where we came from.  We can embrace the parts we love, discard the things we do not like, and make sure we find positive things to replace those negative things.  If you just leave an empty hole, old behaviors will surely creep back in to fill that gap.  It takes work to make those changes.  

    We cannot change other people's 'problems.'  We can surely see how they affect the person, and how they affect us - but unless someone wants to address those problems, we really are powerless.

    We cannot change how our partner relates to their family.  They were in that relationship long before they ever knew us.  If there are problems, we have to believe we didn't cause them, we can't control them, and we also can't cure them.  For us, we can choose what we wish to participate in for our own comfort.  This dynamic was very difficult for me - -my family thought my spouse was the next best thing to sliced bread.  They embraced him, loved him, and welcomed him.  On the opposite side, my spouse's family did not accept me.  It was not a comfortable place for me to be.  It really was an impossible situation since  both sides had such different dynamics.

    We get into a difficult area when we try to control how someone feels.  I can choose what I do with my own feelings,

    This is the area that causes a lot of problems for me.  The dynamics are what I want to change.  Yep, I want them to change.  Disagreements go something like this,

    Liz:  "I am angry/upset/disappoint because such-and-such happened, or I am angry/upset/disappointed because you did such-and-such.  (Such-and-Such can be anything from 'came home late' or 'left a mess' or 'did something opposite of what we both discussed and made an agreement about.')  

    In my current life, things feel very edgy when I state an issue, a feeling, a problem and I am met with things like "I did not."  "You are exagerating." "That's not true."  "I did too."  Then upon further discussion to work out the details, it gets further complicated with my paradigm, and there is further disagreement "That's not what I said."  "When did I say that?"  

    I really do not want to have my view adjusted.  I really do not want to feel dismissed.  I really do not want to feel  there is something wrong with how I feel!  I really do not want to be told that my view - compared to anyone/everyone is so off kilter . . .or just plain wrong.  

    I have been choosing for quite a while to just back out of disagreements that turn into these types of power struggles.  I will not be backed into a corner.  I will not change or adjust my feelings so my spouse won't be angry.  I will not feel manipulated by angry words that get tossed at me inferring  I think I know better than everyone.  No, in fact I do not.  But I do know about me.  My hopes and dreams and likes and dislikes.  And what is important and valuable to me.  And what will make me happy and what will not.  I have a lot of successful relationships.  I have some people who were in my life that I have chosen to limit my exposure to - because it takes too much work and effort to be in a relationship with them.  They are too needy.  They suck the life out of me when I  try to spend time with them.  Or, they expect things out of me that I am not willing to give.  These are choices.  Made by me, with careful thought about my own well being.  

    I can honestly say I would love to have a good relationship with my spouse.  I would love to renegotiate the structure of our relationship.  I have changed a whole honkin' lot over the past 20 years.  The dynamics of our relationship needs to be adjusted to get it to a comfortable fit.  I have been unable to acquire that in my marriage.  It is a big conundrum to have joy with my friends, joy at school, joy in my solitude, joy in just about every area of my life, except with my spouse.  

    Last night I agreed to enter into the most hopeful discussion with my spouse that we have shared in a long time.  I did feel he wanted to hear me.  And then it started to turn very sour.  And I was unable to steer it back onto the tracks.  And then it ended with him in an abrupt emotional explosion.   

    It was really the saddest thing that has happened in a long time.  Not horrible.  Not angry.  Just sad.  That situation last night was sad.  My life is not sad.  What happened last night, truly sad.

     

    Sincerely,

    Liz   

     

  • Relieved by: Amberorchid 8 years 6 months ago

    I read through this forum when I was engaged (note previous tense) to a man with ADHD.  I noticed that many people posting on this forum were considering leaving their spouse.  I was considering the same.  As with most relationships, we had our adventurous moments (probably because of the ADHD) and terrible moments where angry outbursts were more hurtful than I could have ever imagined.  Letting go of a relationship soured by ADHD was the best decision that I have ever made (and will never regret).  I could relate to nearly every post on this forum.  It also provided me with foreshadowing of a marriage that I would never want to endure.  Our relationship was out of balance.  I was a "mother" to my significant other (not an equal) and rarely received the support that one should come to expect in an adult relationship.  I hoped for kindness and love.  Not kindness and love strewn with hateful words.

    I asked myself one question: Would I treat someone who I love in the same way that my significant other is treating me?  Absolutely not.  

    If I can provide a single person who is reading this forum with the courage to leave their relationship, then I have saved a life.  Yes, it will be painful.  Yes, it will be challenging.  Yes, it will get better.  Yes, you will finally be free. 

    I am so thankful for this forum because it provided me with insight into the progression of relationships in the setting of ADHD. 

    I spent over three years (and a year being engaged) to with a man who has ADHD.  Letting him go was the best decision of my life.

     

     

  • Emotional Manipulation by: jennalemone 8 years 6 months ago

    Wow!   I just Googled "emotional manipulation".  LOTS to find about this.  

    Other than also having ADD, this is what my H is:  An emotional manipulator. 

    Does your partner diminish your feelings? Emotional manipulators are only concerned about their own needs and wants. If you try to have open and honest conversation about moments when you feel hurt or invalidated, you will be shut down with claims that you are being silly or overeating. ..... 'their calm demeanor and your heightened emotion or sensitivity may trick you into doubting yourself'. ....'You start wondering [whether] maybe they're right,...'An emotional manipulator will never apologize; instead, they will blame you and make you start to doubt your emotions. If you find yourself constantly asking yourself if you are overreacting or being too sensitive, it is time to move on. 

    Emotional manipulators turn your statements around and make you the problem.

    They’ll say one thing and later assure you that they didn’t say it.

    The manipulator will offer to help you, but then not follow through. It is either too hard or they forgot.

    The manipulating person will set a negative emotional tone in a group and others feel compelled to make the manipulator feel better just to ease the tension.

    Manipulators project blame onto other people or circumstances.

    They may use active techniques like becoming angry, lying, intimidating, shouting, name-calling or other bullying tactics. Or they may use more passive methods like pouting, sulking, ignoring you, playing the victim, or giving you the silent treatment.

    They don’t really feel guilty when they do something harmful, lie, show superficial charm, tend to be impulsive, and don’t take responsibility for their own actions.

    This is a learning day for me.  Now to find the way for myself in this life that I have lived my married life as the target of an emotional manipulator. I had been trying to love and understand him.  

  • Broken Promises - A Short Rant from a Sad Lady by: HyperBallad 8 years 6 months ago

    ADHD is a real asshole.

  • oh the illogic by: dvance 8 years 6 months ago

    So once again the illogical nature of the ADHD brain shows itself.  My 17 YO old son is in a weekend waterpolo tournament at a high school about 45 minutes away in no traffic.  Last night DH drove out to the tourney at 5pm (cannot imagine what the traffic was like) even though our son was not playing in the games last night, which we knew ahead of time, Dear Son just has to be there to support his team. The tourney continues today and today our son will play in a few of the games through out the day.  I am not going because I cannot sit in a hot pool all day waiting for the 45 seconds Dear Son will be wet.  So I ask DH if he is going and he says no there is no reason to sit there if our son is not playing.  Um....that is what you did last night???  So weird.

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