Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Managing Life by: c ur self 8 years 7 months ago

    Have you ever asked yourself; "Why is life so hard"? Me too! Specifically, why has it been so difficult to find any kind of balance in my marriage relationship. Balance meaning here..."Repetition"...Something stable that I can count on from day to day. Well what I coming to realize is most of my pain was in direct response to my efforts to find (or force would more accurately stated) the answer to my question. When the answer to my question was and always has been....There will be no balance!... In hind site what I should have been asking is; How do I mange my life for a peaceful existence in the light of my spouses living of life?

    When my children were young; they would listen to me. They were molded by me and their Mother's love and admonishment. When two adults are seeking unity in a relationship, that is driven by two minds that do not remotely think a like...The answer always come back..."Houston we have a Problem". So? What to do? How do we get to a unified state of existence? The first thing I have to do, is be self-aware. The second is I must be a student (an visual observer and hearer to a much smaller degree) of my wife's actions. Based on my observation and self-knowledge, I would say most humans have a reality they wish for; and the real one that exists... The problem is when we defend to the death the reality we only wish existed....What our actions do is define us, it brings the clarity to our true reality. Words only hinder this process. So I must manage my life from this starting point....

    If you tell me something at bed time that you are going to do the next morning, and state it as a fact. But, 80% of the time it never happen's what is closer to reality, your statement or your actions? So, am I going to put faith in you statement or the action? See how that works? I must mange my life based off the action which is your true reality...

    I'm a self described planner in most details of life. More by default based on the unpleasant surprises I've encountered when I had no plan...My wife likes to tell me she is spontaneous, and I should be more like her, but is she? If you describe yourself as spontaneous instead of a planner....But the only thing you are ever spontaneous about is "Self-perceived individual entertainment opportunities" but every thing else about your life is guarded, your reactions are predictable and can be read like and open book...Does that make you spontaneous or a planner? If the only time you hear the words spontaneous thrown your way is when someone wants your time and money to support their lust for frivolity and their personal desires....I would call that a plan:)

    So many of us suffer from a blindness to reality of our own lives and in the lives of those we love.....The hardest part in marriage sometimes is to stay positive, and not be a victim when we come face to face w/ the reality of our many differences....Acceptance of the action based self and the action based spouse must be clear to me, if I'm to be able to manage my life peacefully. When I continue to base it on the spoken and self-perceived realities, chaos will will surly reign....

    C

  • Medical Minefield by: Delphine 8 years 7 months ago

    Just found this at the main page of the site...I guess this could be one more piece of the puzzle as to how/why my son has ADHD. He was in the ICU for several days as a newborn, since the labor was difficult and they thought he might be at risk. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/308612.php I didn't like being separated from my baby and I argued with the doctor that I wanted to take him home. They assumed I was "in denial of the baby's illness" (I saw that written in the hospital record) but then all the tests on him came back negative and I was given my wish. I was also on Pitocin to induce birth, because labor had still not begun over a week after my water broke. Pitocin has been linked with developing ADHD. But maybe it is actually the tubing in the ICU. I would guess a lot of infants delivered with Pitocin are kept in the ICU for a time. I'm actually not sure why I am posting this...just reflecting, I guess. The medical system seems like such a minefield. I guess I am a bit angry and regretful. In retrospect I wish I hadn't submitted to the Pitocin, and given him time to come into the world when he was ready. Reminding myself now of my sig line...which I am not seeing here for some reason, but it is:  "Acceptance is the doorway and the key."

  • ADHD and Long Distance Relationship by: andrucd 8 years 7 months ago

    I am kind of desperate here and I need advice from someone that has lived something like this.

    I've been with my fiancé for almost 3 years. Last year in may he had to move back to the states for a better job opportunity, he wasn't feeling well at his last job, so I encouraged him to take the job, I knew it was going to be a challenge for both of us, he doesn't like to talk too much and I am more the chatty kind.

    Everything had been ok, in fact two weeks ago he was sending me lyncs of romantic songs for me and he even tattooed a verse of "our song" on his arm so I could know I am/ was "his dream".

    Last week everything changed, he seemed to be avoiding me, he didn't answer my calls or texts. Friday morning he told me he was just stressed out. In the afternoon when I called him ( as we always do it's like our date) he started blaming me for his misery, he said it was my fault he was there and I was here. (Guatemala) that I had told him to leave, that maybe I wanted to start dating again, that I stress him out, that maybe I always think he is cheating ( although I have never told him that) , and it was so confusing, he didn't let me speak and then he said he was done with this and hung up on me. I don't know if his meds have been changed or if it's depression, but I haven't heard from him since then. It's been 5 days and I was weak, I called him and he didn't answer.

    I am so confused. I can't believe he broke our engagement just like that. He just vanished and I don't know, is that a "normal" behavior for ADHDers? I don't know what to think, I mean if he is backing up about the marriage thing he should tell me the truth not disappear, and that makes me wonder how will he react if I get seriously sick in the future, will he just disappear???

     

    any suggestion or advise you could give would be great...

  • Reasonable Boundary? by: Redhead5 8 years 7 months ago

    I'm wondering if this is a reasonable boundary that I asked if my husband tonight?

    I gave him a week to find some names of professionals who could help him with his ADHD, possible Aspergers, and his responsibility in those symptoms that affect our marriage. 

    I've read many posts and we have the typical problems. I relate to so much that I absolutely know my feelings are normal and our situation is typical. He's a wonderful man who truly loves me. I don't believe he realizes how much his actions or symptoms affect our marriage though. He's been content to let me figure out the issues and tell him what to do. I'm going to have to undo that pattern. I believe he doesn't know what to do but I think he needs outside help and professional help for himself. I'm his wife, I'm not a person who works with ADHD and I have feelings. I told him I'm responsible for my part and I will work on it. He reacted as he usually does (I'm sure it's because of shame issues he's experienced because of ADHD) when I make a request that I think is reasonable and he thinks I'm attacking him. But he did agree. I'm just not sure if I'm asking too much?

  • The subject of ADHD is so beyond me by: I'm So Exhausted 8 years 7 months ago

    I have so intensely focused on it for such a great amount of time, that I have to say I am at a loss to understand.

    I have realized over the past few months that this is so very, very complex.  I have some understanding.  I have some experience.  Raised up a son who gave me my first glimpse into ADHD.  Saw possibilities. Know it just 'is,' and there are ways to find joy.   

    And it is way bigger than I am.  

    It is not at all that my efforts have been in vain.  It is not that I am making a mess.  It is not that my spouse is making a mess.

    I just gotta step aside for a bit.  Let it go.  I do not know what it is like to have an ADHD wired brain.  I do not know what goes on in anyone else's head but in my own.  I am in a place that I fully got a grip on what it is like to see ADHD in action.  I realize it is in my family's history - maybe in my own Dad, my own brother, my own Father in Law.

    I found some limits that I have.  For now, for a bit of time, ADHD will belong to my spouse.  I gotta just sit back and allow him to work through what ever he needs.  I choose not to be a hindrance.  

    My boundaries have been rechecked for rigidity.  They are just right for me.  They are firm.  They may feel harsh.  For me, they are needed.

     

    With sincerity,

    Liz 

  • I want to separate, husband doesn't by: lisa84 8 years 7 months ago

    I keep hearing about husbands just leaving their family or not caring when their wife and children leave. I don't want to make light of those heartbreaking situations, but I find myself wishing my husband would be that way, because it would make leaving easier for me. Has anyone dealt with their husband just being broken when you talk about separating? I feel like a monster. I keep second guessing myself and asking if it's really THAT bad. I think of his good qualities and how he really is a good person, buried underneath disorders he refuses to get diagnosed and treated. But then I remember that if it wasn't THAT bad, I wouldn't keep getting to the point where I seriously consider divorce.

     

    He really doesn't want to separate/divorce, but he feels like he has nothing to work on and won't go to therapy to help himself. I recognize that I have my own issues, ADD and anxiety, and I have become all too aware over the past couple years, how it affects other people. I know I need to work on myself. But he finds a way to blame everything on me. Even though I have ADD, I feel like the non ADD spouse in the marriage. I think he has some type of mood/personality/social disorder on top of ADHD, maybe depression and bad insomnia. The worst thing is hus inability to connect with me and let me in. I feel like there's a barrier there, like he's so busy in his own head, there's no room for anyone else. I feel like we've never connected on a deep level, everything is superficial and self serving. We've been married 12 years and I'm barely in my 30's. Do I want to be in my 60's and still with a man I can't connect with and feeling lonely? No. Even if I stayed with him until the kids were grown, we wouldn't last after that. i'm sure of it.

     

    The other thing, is that his attitude in general, just sucks. He is so extra sensitive to everything, you can't even joke around him. You can't laugh or talk around him, he will just sigh, grab the TV remote and turn it way up, so if you're talking to someone you have to start yelling over it. You point one little thing out to him and he takes it as a huge criticism. Basically, he's no fun and I don't even want to be around him. I know these are symptoms of ADHD, but I'm not hopeful he will ever see and treat it. He's blissfully unaware of his path of destruction. He will tell me he loves me one minute, and speak down to me, insult me, or dismiss me the next minute and then he's confused why I'm mad. The arguments are getting worse and worse and I'm so tired of the stress.

    A few days ago, I started to mentally separate from him and it was freeing. I realized I had been carrying around a burden our whole marriage, of trying to force him to be a certain way, act a certain way, erc. I didn't realized how much energy it drained from me and how much life it sucked out of me. I wish I had left sooner and it would have been easier on both of us. Why did I waste so much time, trying to will an apple into an orange? I feel bad for all the mean and hurtful things I've said and done to him over the years, hoping some miracle would help it to get through to him. I caused him damage over the years and I will carry that forever. I can't erase that and I can't erase the harm he's caused me, either. But I can put an end to it now.

    I just hate seeing it hurt him so much. To him, his wife and kids are abandoning him. He would stay together forever in this miserable marriage, even when he is unhappy, too. I hate seeing him cry, even though I feel like it's a little manipulative. He may never see the tremendous amount of pain and lonliness he has caused me over the years and that kills me. I try telling him I don't want to hurt him and that I want him to get help for his own well being, but it just falls on deaf ears. That hurts. Everything hurts so much. I've been lonely our whole marriage, but surprisingly, I feel even lonelier now. I once had to leave my kids for 6 months for military training. That was over 8 yrs ago and has always been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've finally found something that tops that. I don't know how to deal with this pain. Even as we separate, I'm still carrying the burden of his pain.

     

    Sorry this is longwinded, but just had to get it out there because the only other person I have to talk to about it, is my mom, who has been through two divorces. But she can't completely relate because her divorces were mutual decisions and she didn't have to feel the guilt of hurting her spouse. Just wondering if anyone can relate.

  • Is he or isn't he? by: Kezza2540 8 years 7 months ago

    My 61 year old fiancee shows a lot of the characteristics of ADHD. I had thought it may be and then stumbled upon this website. I had got to the point that I was ready to call it all off until I read a few things on here and it restored my compassion. I am going to have a gentle talk with him and ask him to see the doctor to see if this is what he has. At least then we can set about doing something about it. He is forgetful, a reckless driver, he gets a lot of speeding tickets. He has angry outbursts. He over reacts to small things. He finds it difficult to stay focused. This is among a whole lot of things. The sad thing is that I am now at the point I would prefer to walk away, but I am hoping we may be able to restore the relationship. Has anyone got any suggestions on how to approach this in a respectful way to ask him to go and see if this is the problem?

  • Should have never brought it up by: MusicLvr528 8 years 7 months ago
    First off, things are going great for our little family right now. We are finally steering our ship in the right direction after years of living by the seat of our pants. There's still something there though. I am still having a hard time with my husband's ADHD. I'm angry a lot, and resentful. I feel like the one who has to manage our household. When is the dog due for shots? When does the car need to be serviced? Where does this thing go? Where did so and so put such and such. I am often frustrated and feel as if there is an imbalance of work. My husband has been trying to assist lately in household chores but says that he has a problem doing them unless we do them together. I didn't know why this made me upset - I couldn't put a finger on it - until I saw some of his exact words in an article I read yesterday. Here's the part that stuck out: " “I always reasoned: ‘If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.’” I wasn’t asking my wife to boss me around. I was asking my wife to HELP ME help her. Read that sentence again, guys. I wanted to help my wife. I did. But instead of actually being helpful, I put the burden of responsibility on her to manage her life, our baby’s life, AND my life." Then later in the article this: "She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household. She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management. I never took the initiative to identify the needs of our son nor the needs of the household, and then set up whatever personal system I needed in order to get things done." This is exactly how I feel. I understand him calling me everyday to figure out dinner. The problem is the responsibility is always on me. It is "What are we having tonight?" Not "Hey, I think we should have burritos what do you think?" In my perception, I am the manager of everything, and I don't want to be. I want to be a partner. I tried to tell him about this article last night, but unfortunately it has a pretty inflammatory title that immediate put my husband on the defensive. He told me he had made significant changes in his life and that he is not willing to shoulder my resentment or try to fix it. The direction the conversation went made me feel small and petty, and made me want to just crawl back inside myself. As he went to bed, I told him I was sorry for the way it came out and it wasn't my intention. I asked if he was sorry and he said he had nothing to be sorry for because I brought it up. I felt like crying. I thought I read a breakthrough, instead he took it as a poking stick. He texted that he wanted to read the article today and I sent it to him but other than that radio silence. I don't know where to go from here. Any thoughts?
  • ADHD Husband's Reaction to Pregnancy Stuff by: kathy1208 8 years 7 months ago

    I got pregnant in August and for five days I was excited. Then I started bleeding a little bit…every…single…day. I would call the doctor’s office who was so overly dismissive but also gave me a fairly routine response that if it becomes a lot, go to the ER, but otherwise, “some bleeding” can be normal and there’s nothing we can do about it if it isn’t so you have to wait it out. It made for an awful many weeks. My husband was all excited about the pregnancy and we had to tell his parents at 6 wees bc they came in town and I am not the type to get away with no drinking wine all weekend. So we just told them. Him and his mom were very excited and overplanning – kind of strong-armed me into letting her tell his fam ASAp, had her aunt schedule the baby shower, and any time i had reservations his mom would say everything will be fine “miscarriages are rare” (no they arent – shes had two!) and my husband would say I was being negative for bringing up the possibility of miscarriage every day. Well, they say 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage…or if you have some bleeding – 50%. I had not SOME bleeding but DAILY, for 56 straight days, so excuse me for leaning toward feeling not confident about all this. Basically i was made to be negative nelly by him and his mom by being anxiety ridden and worried and voicing my fears of miscarriage daily. at the 9 week ultrasound the heartbeat was fine, but the baby didnt move and it was 2.5 weeks behind in growth. Again he marched on insisting “heartbeat was strong, everything is fine stop being negative.” So then I have a miscarriage at 14 weeks at the end of October…came as no surprise to me. My husband even told his guy friend who is maried to my best friend that he felt “blindsided” by the miscarriage. This guy friend knew all about the history and about my telling him all the time about the fears of miscarrying with the issues i was having and he was like, SHOCKED like “blindsided? REALLY?!?” Fast forward to now and I am 8 weeks pregnant again. This time my symptoms im supposed to have (nausea and hwat have you) are much stronger and no bleeding. In other words, I feel like im on the “80% of pregnancies DONT miscarry” side of trhe equation this time. Yet, we dont have our first appointment until April 5th so until i know more, im cautiously optimistic. We havent been talking about this pregnancy – planning anything – hes much more reserved and i am too, even though i feel way better about it than the last one. Then his parents came in town this weekend and he begins telling them and my brother in law with the words “Now that I have everyone here, I want to make an announcement. As you know, last year we tried to have a baby and that did not work out…” I coudnt handle his ceremonious awkward announcement that started off for SOME reason by rehashing the miscarriage so i blurt out “im pregnant!” and his parents are like “yay!” and he just kind of gets annoyed and is like WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO TELL THEM AND THEN STEAL MY THUNDER?” so i just sort of ignored him. Then last night i say “i hope everything goes well April 5th!” (first ultrasound) and ive said that a couple times htis past week as that first appointment nears. He AGAIN tells me (like last time) that I am being “negative”. “Why have i heard nothing about the pregnancy but that you MIGHT miscarry again.” To which i say, i feel good, like im on the 80% side but until i have all the information i will respect the 20% possibility and be cautious. That’s not being negative. He pushes me again, again calling it negative, so i bring up Friday nights announcement and say, “the only person being negative is the person who cant bring up happy news without rehashing the miscarriage.” He then responds back trying to make me out to be the bad guy for interrupting him and saying it. I explained that i can talk about the miscarriage in private to close women or his mom but no, bringing it up in a room of his family members isnt appropriate and not necessary to announce the news…like, he couldnt just say “sorry that was wrong” he has to turn it on me, like im the wrong one. Also, i wasnt going ot bring it back up again except that im again being accused of being negative when i am just beign realistically hopeful about the next ultrasound. I am not sure why he has to be so dense and make everything so complicated. I lean strongly on the facts I know and the scientifically proven statistics associated with those facts and likelehood of miscarriage- and I react to a pregnancy accordingly. That doesn’t make me “negative.” It’s like he wants me to act like everthing’s certain and perfect and great and punishes me for reminding him of reality, but then he can bring up reality in the most awkward, unnecessary way possible and it’s not wrong.

  • Non-ADHD Partner Seeking Clarity in End of 4 Year Relationship by: alwayslearning28 8 years 7 months ago

    Hello, I am currently trying to cope and find some clarity in the sudden end to my 4 year relationship with my ADHD partner. My boyfriend recently (~1 wk) ended things with me, and has left me feeling a huge mix of emotions. Long story long, I am a 23 year old female in my first year of pharmacy school. I have lived with a father and younger brother with ADHD (hyperactive) my whole life, so I am no stranger to the strains/ joys that come along with the diagnosis. About 4 years ago, I met my boyfriend, same age, who has untreated ADHD (inattentive). We worked together at a restaurant in college. I was in school, he was taking a year off after his freshman year. We came together fast, fell in love fast (he told me he loved me after a week and I surprisingly felt the same), and have been truly inseparable since. He has always spent the majority of his free time with me, and I have tried to give him his personal “me” time when he asked for it. He is absolutely the best friend I have ever had, I love him more than I ever thought possible, and he has told me the same nearly every day. This was his first serious relationship, but there is no doubt in my mind that he has truly loved me and that it has meant everything to him. This past year, we moved away from his hometown, where I graduated college, back to mine (he originally attended college here), me for school and him for school/ me/ he loves it here and has always wanted to return. He has been in and out of tech school for the past few years, struggling to commit to any one degree. He says he can't see a future for himself doing anything in particular, and I feel that he has very low self-esteem because he feels behind his peers and me, and because he feels like he lacks direction in life. I feel like he has always taken suggestions from his family or myself, and has been living for other people a lot of his life, which ultimately makes him unhappy and resentful, so he quits. For awhile now, I feel like the only direction he’s had is me. His mother is very overbearing, his dad is much like him, and I have definitely been guilty to some degree of the dreaded "mothering" behavior. He definitely tries to avoid his mother and her babying, but she pays his rent and tuition so he is not as independent as he may like to think. I have worked very hard on myself to be a partner and an equal to him rather than a caregiver, and to understand why he can't commit to anything but me. I have 5 years left of school, so there is little rush toward marriage, children, etc., but we have been together a long time and both have brought up these topics over the years with some degree of seriousness. The initial problem: in the past, he has followed a pattern of enrolling in classes, hating it, dropping it, and not being able to talk to me about it. I know him well enough to believe his temporary deceptions are probably to keep me from being disappointed or breaking up with him rather than because of some moral character flaw. He usually comes clean to me within a day or two. Throughout our relationship, we have only had serious arguments (he does not yell, ever) about this lying about school, and once or twice his having a very low point in which he has drank to excess (he is not a drinker) or tried to hide his marijuana use (which doesn’t bother me under normal circumstances, only when he randomly tries to hide it). The current problem: very recently, he ended our relationship, more or less out of the blue. I have found out after the fact that he once again dropped out of school and this time lied to me about it for a month, despite having only a year to graduate. He left his job at the city rec department to go back to work at the one of the same hippie pizza restaurants where we met. He has come clean to me about school, still claims to love me as much as he ever did, but basically conveyed that he feels he needs to take time to find himself and figure himself out before he gets too much older. He told me he can't tell me if he sees a future for us because he can't see one for himself, but has also hinted at wanting one because of how much he loves me. I definitely sense that he is somewhat depressed as well, and I know he is beating himself up about a lot of things. Over the course of our relationship, he has made comments that he feels like a loser, a failure, like I deserve better. I have always passionately disagreed, because despite his setbacks in his (still young) life, he is really one of the most genuinely beautiful-souled human beings I have ever met. The situation: My question is, what role do I play in his life right now? I care about this boy more than anything. I know he cares for me deeply and loves me still. However, neither of us know if we will be together again. I am also having a lot of doubts due to the recent lying, wondering what else he may have been lying about to me… I don’t want to go off the deep end and assume it’s all fake, he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t care, he’s ready to move on and leave me behind. We have seen each other since the breakup, and that did not seem to be the case. I have been in that situation with other breakups before, and the circumstances and emotions flowing through this one are unlike any I have experienced. But a girl can’t help but prepare and expect the worst. We have talked on the phone even more recently when I asked him to finally be honest with me, he cried and told me how sorry he was for all the lies and all the crap he's put me through, and mentioned that he wants to see a therapist (again, who knows maybe he’s just telling me what I want to hear again). He asked for a few days to calm down, and asked if he could call me then. I do so much want to be his support in this, my love for him extends beyond just wanting a dating relationship. If he is suffering through a tough time in his life, especially with unmanaged ADHD, I fear he will never be able to pull through without help. His recent therapist has focused on him having depression, but I am sure the ADHD is the root cause. I don’t know if he’s even considering that as a problem, or how to approach the subject with him. I have talked with his parents since all of this has happened, explained what I really feel is going on, told them he seemed open to therapy and has told me he truly wants to work on himself, and given them phone numbers for local ADHD clinics in my area. I don’t know if I’m overstepping my bounds too much in doing that, but I just can’t sit back and do nothing when I feel like the only one who may really understand what’s going on. So now… what do I do? I feel so lost and helpless in this situation. And if it wasn’t clear, I love this boy more than anything. I can withstand a little personal pain for the time being if it means potentially helping him be happy in the long run, with or without me. But I am still hurting a lot with the confusion of it all. Am I doing the right thing? Is there something else I could be doing? On one hand I want to be the girl who was always by his side, as he was there for me through a similar phase in my life (but as my bf). On the other, I worry that he will never find the motivation to grow if he feels like he has me around no matter what he does. He seems to have been living for me more than for himself up to this point, and I never wanted that. If it doesn't work out and he refuses to change before too long, I'm only hurting myself by keeping my hopes up. Any sage advice or insight into what he may be thinking would be so very appreciated. Thank you for reading <3

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