Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What to do with ADHD behaviours, but a negative diagnosis? by: Clara 8 years 6 months ago

    Still battling with DH's symptoms after all these years. Finally got him in for an assessment with Dr. Bilkey in Barrie, ON. Of course I had to arrange it, after months of DH never quite getting around to it. Then of course, we were 40 minutes late, because DH did not confirm the correct location before we left..., and then, DH came out with a negative diagnosis - which almost ended our marriage. I had told my husband prior to his assessment, that I hoped he had ADHD, because if he didn't, he was just an asshole. So, after the negative diagnosis, it seemed, he was just an asshole.

    Except that the behaviours continued. And in such a prevalent and consistent pattern (for both of us), that when we read The ADHD Effect on Marriage, it seemed that it was based on us, and our interactions. Not just based on us, but included actual examples from our lives. (And when I say we read the book, of course I mean that I read the book, and pointed out a few excerpts for DH, as he has difficulty finishing anything longer than a newspaper or magazine article.) I still believe that he does have ADHD (my sister - a physician, agrees). I just don't know what to do.

    My belief is that Dr. Bilkey's assessment was inadequate. DH provided no childhood report cards, no photos of his belongings strewn about our house, all over the floor, strewn across counter tops, nothing about repeatedly buying replacements for things he has but can't find, or buying things he's forgotten he already has, no details about regularly having his bicycle lock cut off because he's lost the key yet again, nothing about the 10 years of back taxes I had to complete for him when we got married, no details about losing his wallet monthly, or his impulsive spending that keeps me constantly bailing us out of debt, nothing about losing our toddler sons on vacation, etc., etc., etc.

    My understanding is that for a positive diagnosis, impairment must be present in two areas of life (and while I do understand the necessity of certain criteria - when followed blindly, they can lead a psychologist/physician to exclude exceptions to the rule). So unfortunately, while DH's home life is extremely impaired, he has developed coping mechanisms that allow him to manage well in other areas of his life.

    Unlike many others with ADHD, DH is well paid, and has a successful career as an airline pilot (the third marriage counselor we saw, who was supposed to have had some experience with ADHD said to him, much to my chagrin, "You're an airline pilot? You can't have ADHD!"). But here is how this works, and why it is a perfect job for someone with ADHD: the variable, non- 9-5 schedule provides variety, and my very sociable, extroverted DH constantly works with new people each time he goes into work, so his environment provides lots of stimulation. He does "short haul" flights (so a number of flights each day, rather than one long flying day overseas) which take him to a number of different destinations each day. He spends overnights in different hotels in different cities. He is late for work EVERY SINGLE DAY, but because his check-in time is an hour before departure time, as long as the flight leaves on time, there are no repercussions. And there is no direct supervisor to see that he is late every day. He has developed an extremely charming personality to compensate for his perpetual lateness and disorganization, so he will show up with coffee for everyone, or chocolate. He LOVES his job, and he is very good at it. He loves to fly - whether piloting the plane, or as a passenger, and the job itself is very structured, with strict checklists that he must abide by when preparing for flight - so a perfect fit for him. Also, he is amazingly focused in an emergency (I often wonder if this is why he is always late - he actually enjoys the excitement of it). The adrenaline of an emergency causes him to focus - I have seen it first hand in emergency situations with our sons. (In contrast, I am a teacher - type A, extremely orderly and organized, but I fall apart in an emergency.) So - no impairment at work.

    All of our good friends are well versed in DH's "time vacuum", or "vortex", as we all like to call it. But as I said, he is charming and generous, and genuinely a lovely, kind person, so he is easily forgiven for his shortcomings. So - no impairment in his social relationships.

    My current plan is to contact the Springboard Clinic and the ADHD Clinic here in Toronto about services, coaching and counseling. Fortunately, while my husband is not completely onboard about his potential ADHD (After his negative diagnosis, we joke that he does not have ADHD, he has ADHD symptoms. Well, I'm joking when I say it anyway.), he is open to counseling and coaching. I am considering discussion of a second evaluation, but am also trying to consider the ramifications of another assessment. Another $2,000 is less daunting than the possibility of a second negative diagnosis. My only hope for a positive diagnosis is that DH might take some responsibility for all the pain and stress he has caused (and continues to cause) me, and actually make a concerted effort to change his behaviour.

    If you contribute to this forum, and have been assessed for ADHD, I would greatly appreciate your sharing the assessment process/procedure you experienced. I am very curious about how the same condition can be assessed in such a variety of ways, and about how self-report can play such a large part of assessment, when self-awareness of ADHD behaviours is so poor.

  • So happy to have found you! by: LHart 8 years 6 months ago

    Hello,

    I have been married to a good man for almost 23 years. He has ADHD but doesn't medicate for it and wont. We are having difficulties communicating, and it is most often the fact that if I ask him a question, he insists that I am asking so I can call him a failure. He is an always/never kiND of guy. He says he knows exactly what I am thinking, when he is waaaay off. But then he turns in to a bully to the point where I can't defend my own words and he walks away mad and doesn't speak to me for hours. I worry about our finances a lot...because it seems that I always need to worry about something. I guess by reading some of your posts here, my worrying causes him to go into auto bully mode because the only thing he says to me is that, "you are only asking me because you want to know when I am gonna fail."

    I have never ever called him a failure. He is a man of many talents. BUT, he comes up with ideas for gardening or landscaping on a whim. He goes to Lowe's and spends a lot of money on all sorts of things that he needs, and then the stuff stays in bags sometimes for weeks. Or he will start on a project and leave it half done...while going out to drop more money on stuff for a different project. I dont know how to be communicative or supportive here because if I ask him what he is doing or planning, he gets really angry with me and says, "never mind ...I will just screw it up anyway..." or something to make me feel like a real bad person.

    I am glad I stumbled upon this site and although I appreciate that everyone is different, every time he goes to Lowe's, I just get sick inside...and the money worries never let up. And the communication never is pleasant. Thanks for listening.

     

  • The Feeling "Small" Dilema Having ADHD by: kellyj 8 years 6 months ago

    This concept was brought up in Melissa's seminar course that my wife and I recently took. The second she mentioned it in the course....I knew exactly what she was talking about. The weird thing about this is....it's not a "feeling" of being devalued or "small" in terms of how you think about yourself. It's more in terms of physical "space" or personal "space" that you inhabit and therefore...is not "small" as in feeling worthless in that respect. It has more of a feeling like the walls are closing in around you and your "world" is getting smaller not you in that respect. I think it has more to do with your "rights" and what "rules" apply to you and how you move through your world. The smaller it gets....the less room you have to move. Think of it as a form of "claustrophobia" and that would help explain this better? I cannot connect exactly why this happens or why it feels this way exactly....but I can tell you where it comes from in a funny story about this from my distant past. I know it's related....but I still can't explain it exactly as to "why". All I can say is....it's real and it makes you feel out of control and like you are suffocating much like the claustrophobia example? The story to put this into context.......

    When I was in Jr High School....at the time (1970)....the "IN" thing to do that was almost a uniform in fashion at that time ( where I lived).....was to take a pair of brand new Levi's and then modify them from being "un- cool" as they were....to being "very cool" and in step with everyone else. No self respecting kid at that time...would even think about wearing them without going through a long process of preparation ahead of time. This would be very "un- cool" indeed.

    First....you take them and soak them in a tub mixed with bleach. Not too much or that would ruin them.....but just enough to get that dark blue color out and bleach them to a lighter color. Now adays.....you can buy them this way....back then....there was no such thing.

    Next....you take the hem out of the bottom completely and then cut the outer seam up the side about 6 inches. This was the equivalent of home made "bells bottoms" but much much "cooler" and "tougher" looking which was way more "bitch'in".

    Next....you'd take them outside and find a brick or concrete wall or the equivalent.....and beat the crap out of them and fraying the hem at the bottom until they were completely fuzzy and unraveled looking....and then you took some sissor's and snipped all the loose threads off but just enough so they were trailing behind you and stepping on them

    Finally....you took them and washed them at least a dozen times in as hot a water as you could and more times the better....this was just the point that you would not be embarrassed to wear them and then they will only continue to get better as time (and the Levi's) wore on. Holes in knees with patches and leather laces and such were optional but only when they were falling apart to the point where you needed to this to continue to wear them. Doing this ahead of time just for show was frowned upon and looked like you were just trying to "fake it". Anyone doing this knew that and could easily spot a pair of pants that were prematurely embellished for that reason alone! lol Now you were ready to "wear them out"....both literally and figuratively which was the entire point of doing this. The more raged and tattered the better.

    And nothing complimented this "look" better....than a well worn "work shirt" in the same condition but...that was a little trickier to wear out ahead of time. The only way to get a work shirt completely worn out....was to wear it out naturally and this took quite some time to do. So now comes the good part and how this ties in to feeling small. I owed the "coolest" most "bitch'inest" work shirt that one could possibly posses in the world of a 13 teen year old and the fashions of the times. This was handed down to me from my oldest sister who got it from an ex-boyfriend in her first year at college. Not only was it thread bear and almost completely white washed with little of the trade mark "blue" left in it....it also had some kind of college fraternity party logo on it that made it that much "cooler". This thing....was a "treasure" and it was made clear to me every time, each time I wore it by the looks and comments that were made by nearly every envious friend that saw it. In a now more antiquated and formally spoken lingo....this thing was the "bomb!".

    What topped this off .....it was too big and the shirt tail hung halfway down my thigh which of course.....this made the entire look and pulled this all together. ( no one would have tucked their shirt tail in under those circumstances at that time...) That would be...beyond "un-cool." lol Pair the pants and the shirt and some harness boots and a woven "hippie" belt that hung down with a tattered frayed ends on it.....and I was styl'in and ready to roll!

    Enter....my mother into this picture.

    This entire look was not only a complete bewilderment to my mother (taking a brand new pair of pants and destroying them like this?) but wear she drew the line and how this story applies came down to my personal "treasured" work shirt. For what ever reason which was not exactly spoken or explained to me at the time....this shirt hit some kind of nerve in her that she could not wrap her head around? There was an on going battle over this shirt that turned into a game of Cat and Mouse.

    The game was....hide the shirt....and then, see if I could find it? lol

    When I told her how cool it was and she just didn't understand....and even with my older sisters telling her that it was the "thing" and it was "Okay"....and even my Dad reluctantly saying...."if he wants to look like a bum....there is nothing we can do about that."...my mother was determined, and would not give up trying her best to keep me from wearing this shirt.

    The first time I discovered it hidden was by accident.... when I went looking for a towel in the towel cupboard....and way back in the back and buried in some old towels that were used for rags....I found the most precious piece of clothing that I possessed at the time.....

    I went "WTF!!!".....game on!" lol I took it..... wore it ...and when I walked in the door......the look on my moms face was one of horror and surprise! "Fool me once...shame on you...fool me twice? That isn't going to work anymore MOM! NICE TRY!! lol

    From that point on.....I routinely searched for each new place that my mother....conveniently overlooked to put my favorite shirt back in my line up for clothes to wear...and every time, I ended up re-finding it again..... but she continued none stop to feel compelled..... to keep hiding it but not to throw it away since she knew it was a gift from my older sister and I guess even that would have been crossing the line? lol

    The moral of this story is exactly how this made me feel. Small .....and that my world was being attacked.....(with extreme prejudiced)....with willful disregard for something that meant a lot to my self esteem as an insecure 13 year old....just trying to fit in.

     

    J

  • Narcissism? Confusion. Guilt. Scapegoating. by: honeyblonde 8 years 6 months ago

    I have posted in the past trying to find a place to make sense of what is happening in my life and my marriage.  Although I've continued using this site as a place to read and reflect, I haven't posted in some time.  My husband and I have since seen a therapist and honestly things have gotten worse.  He finally took the suggestion of the therapist and began taking Straterra.  It was a bust.  The raging, ranting, and blaming went through the roof for about a month.  I thought it was bad before, but it was pure torture.   He now take Neurontin, which does seem to keep him a little more calm, but it does nothing to organize this thoughts or recognize his behavior.  He is no longer living in our home.  I made the decision for him to leave.  Well, I made the decision after I realized he was lying, again about his pay checks.  Bringing up the discrepancies, per usual means that I'm a greedy bitch who only cares about money.  I'm confused how bring up and wanting to discuss the situation of him lying gets turned to me being a greedy bitch, but this is how it seems to work with ADHD partners.  I'm his scapegoat.  The therapists aren't convinced that he has ADHD.  I struggle with whether or not he has ADHD or he's just a straight up narcissist.  I feel pretty confident that he has ADHD, which u treated for so long has caused a lot of narcissistic traits.  I'm not a Dr. Or an expert.  Most of my information from forums like this, or articles online.  However, I feel like I'm an expert on his behavior.   How would the therapist know?  I never get a word in at the therapy sessions and honestly I'm a wreck by the time we get there and he rambles and rants without taking a breath for the first 45 minutes.  Basically boxing me out of being able to explain what's happening.  I don't really know what the therapist is thinking about the situation.  Honestly, I think she thinks I'm a controlling bitch. And I'll agree that at this point, I've become somewhat controlling and making my husband leave his home does seem like a bitch move, but I know in my gut that it's the right choice, whether the truth will ever come out or not.  He has all the symptoms.  He wants nothing to do with finances or bills, and he is stingy about his earnings.  Meanwhile, I'm trying to take care of everything, clean up financial messes, bank fees, credit scores etc. but I'm a greedy bitch because i ask questions.  He can barely dress himself. He loses everything.  He stops by the store. 3-4 times a day.  He lies about his lies then tries to convince of the lies or that he didn't lie.  Confusion. Vagueness. When things don't make sense, I ask questions and I'm met with rage and anger.  Is he a Narcissist?  I don't know.  He does show a lot of the qualities, however he isn't very good at it.  He isn't organized enough to cover his own ass.  He isn't a very stealthy liar. Or manipulator.  Although he tries and fails.   Which makes him even angrier.  The cycle for us is that he "messes up".  He doesn't manage his time, he doesn't fix his car, he over draws his account, he forgets to do this or that.  We are married so many of these things affect me negatively making my days harder and I'm stuck cleaning up the mess and often times getting blamed.  I speak up and try to find solutions.  He rages, rants, lies, insults, stomps and slams, talks louder and faster, and can't handle the criticism.  I get it.  No one likes to hear their "mess ups" but how can I just be ok with it.  How can it get better without bringing it up?  You can't ignore the bank.  You can't ignore that your car doesn't work.  You can't ignore these things.  I get the blame.  Every when he apologizes, there is always a "but you". Or "it takes 2 to argue" or "I was just reacting to your... " .  I'm in a position of feeling confused.  At one point I don't want to be a victim and not take responsibility for my actions... As I'm asking him to do the same, but honestly, I've done nothing but try to find solutions.  Have I argued? yes.  Have I lied? No, never.  It's his intention to avoid all of this and he wants me to avoid it too.  He's actually said to me "when I'm done(throwing a raging tantrum)I'm fine".  Or "Just let me" (insult and verbally attack you and lie).  "Don't bring things up that you know upset me" ( things like wanting to discuss a blatant lie).  "Don't poke a bear" ( apparently, I married a bear, and not a human man). 

     

    I need acknowledgement of these wrongdoings.  All of them.  I'm resentful.  I'm human.  But I want to be committed to my husband, who I believe is sick, but I can only do so much.  He is currently only allowed to email me.  Otherwise I'll be berated all day by text.  I'll be blamed for everything that goes wrong in his day.  If not blamed, I'll still get the anger and frustration taken out on me.  

     

    I believe my mother be a narcissist.  Ive learned that my traits are typical of a child in  scapegoat role of a family with a narcissistic mother.    I've learned recently that much of my life wasn't as normal as I thought.  I'm nervous to even say that, as it makes me a victim and it's not my intention.  I never saw myself as a victim.  I was always told I was difficult aNd angry and bad.   I believe now, that I married one.  Whether due to ADHD or not.  I want to run and wash my hands of the whole thing, but I cared about him.  I took vows and I Took them seriously.  I feel like he uses my commitment to his advantage.  I just can't believe I'm in this position.  I learned so much, but them jumped right back into the same situation.  I was the perfect person for him.  Accommodating, caring, selfless, giving, generous... All to be taken advantage of and used against me.  When I stopped, the tantrums started.  Is my husband really that bad?  Or am I not seeing something in myself?  This is where the guilt comes into play.  

    I feel like his chaos and confusion is rubbing off on me.  Im having a hard time even making sense now and organizing my thoughts.  Luckily I'm seeing my own therapist now.  But I'm impatient.  I tried to get this going two years ago and it's just now happening.  Now there is 2 years worth of things to deal with when initially, when I saw the red flags and brought it up,  there were only a handful.  

     

    Can i risk waiting on him ? Risk more damage to my self esteem?  Risk wasting more years on him? I've seen articles and forums where ADHD people come to terms with it, and acknowledge their behaviors and mistreatment of their spouses.  I've read that it hits them, maybe after medication or therapy.  How does that happen? What initiates that realization?   I'm afraid it only happens after they lose their partner.  So basically, he might get it, but not until I move on.  So maybe he will do better the next time around.  But I'm afraid the roles for us are set in stone and can not change.  

     

    Im so mad at myself for not caring about myself more and recognizing the situation for what it was.  i really thought that we could work anything out, but this... This is not something i was prepared for.  

     

    Thoughts or advice is welcome, but honestly, I just need a place to get it out and hope that someone else understands.  

  • Who strengthens me by: jennalemone 8 years 6 months ago

    The thing I learned most in my long life is this:

    You ARE the company you keep.  

    This is the notion I will drum into my children and grandchildren (and also myself): If you spend most of your time with people who exude integrity, joy, honesty, work ethic, faith and soul, you will assume the language and habits of these qualities yourself.  If you spend most of your time with lazy, lying, irresponsible people you will adopt the language and habits of those qualities yourself.  

    I have become less than I was.  I was trying so hard to love someone I thought I MUST love.  I will, going forward, seek out people with habits and language that I aspire to and I will put forth good language and habits into the world, letting go of the hope, promises and dreams of dedicated marriage with my high school sweetheart in favor of growing up to be an adult with the fortitude of a person who is supported by strong, reliable people.   I will go forward with a renewed faith that connection with God does not demand that I remain small but rather that I can do all things.

    I am trying to reconcile these two truths.   Love and Integrity. Where did I lose my integrity just trying so hard to love (verb) but being disappointed and resentful (feelings) in that attempt?

  • post moved to treatment and diagnosis forum by: Clara 8 years 6 months ago

     

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  • Is this from ADHD? It doesn't matter by: PoisonIvy 8 years 6 months ago
    A few days ago, my husband actually answered the phone. We talked about the divorce forms, which he might or might not sign and submit. (He said he would, but follow through is an issue; yes, that's from ADHD.) I'm not holding my breath. What took my breath away and left me in tears for much of the day was his tone of bewilderment when I said that my life is crushed. He said, "Why?" I tried to explain: the destruction of our marriage, which I tried so hard to save; and then when I finally decided to pull the plug, his efforts to obstruct the process. I don't think he was faking the bewilderment; he really doesn't understand my feelings of loss and mourning about the marriage. I think all the time about him and his depression, but he was surprised that I'm devastated.
  • Help....How should I react? by: andrucd 8 years 6 months ago

    A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my long distance relationship with my fianceé. He had been very distant for a couple of weeks before, but last week he started communicating more and I was happy for it.

    On Monday of this week I sent him a message telling him that I needed to talk to him (because for some weird reason I felt uneasy) I felt somehow responsible for him being in the US and him feeling sad because I encouraged him to do it and I'm in Guatemala. (It was a better job opportunity for him professionally and for the both of us since we were going to get married or at least that was the plan). And since his response was very shallow I suddenly asked him if he had the same feelings for me or if his feelings had changed. He told me that he is still in love with me but he was let go off work last Friday and he didn't know how to tell me, he did not want me to tell anyone, he did not want to talk about it at that time but we would talk about it afterwards, I think that his previous change towards me had something to do with this, maybe he was already fearing that something was going to happen at work or something.

    That afterwards never came. I understand completely how he must be  feeling right now, because I have been there too and all I want is to support him, because I know he is completely capable of finding a new job, he has the experience and the skills,  but for some reason he has isolated himself completely. He doesn't answer the phone nor texts. He hasn't been a drinker just socially, but I am afraid that he starts doing it more often right now.

    My question is what should I do?, I was thinking of giving him 2 weeks to assimilate his reality and see if he makes any kind of contact?  Or another crazy idea I had was to get on a plane and go look for him (but I don't know if he is still at home or if he left to his dad's house in Alabama) I wanted to talk to his sister in law but I don't know if he has already told his family about it (because he doesn't like to be a disappointment to his dad.....

    So I am confused if you have any idea, please share it to me.

    Andrea.

     

  • How did H NOT think I would find out this was a blatant lie??!! by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 6 months ago

    Oh the fun the past few days have been. Tuesday I get a call on my work phone that says "restricted" so I didn't answer it. No message was left so I figured it was a wrong number. About 30 minutes later my manager comes down with a note saying that this person couldn't get in contact with me so he talked to her and asked if I worked there and gave her his number a case number and wanted to know when they could schedule a time to drop off court papers. My heart started racing as I had no idea what this was about and now my manager knows about it. I Googled the number and all I could find were people saying these people were rude and saying that they needed people to call back and anted money from them. I called the number and gave the person my case number and she said that this was regarding H. Of course it is! I certainly don't have anyone after me. I was then put on hold to talk to someone else and then she came back on and said he was on the phone with H. I then called H and asked if he got a strange phone call and he said "Yup, it's all taken care of". I ask what it was about and he tells me it was a debt collector wanting money for, get this, his ex's engagement ring from 20 years ago!!! A ring he never paid off. They wanted $10,700 for it but then settled for $2500, which he promptly put on his credit card so now he is nearly $13,000 in debt!

    Then he couldn't go into work on Tuesday because he was stressed out from the call so stayed home and worked on the garden. Then yesterday I see via our online records that he sent a text to his manager at 8AM, which I assumed was him telling him he wouldn't be in. I get home that night and see he told his manager that he had to go to Seattle regarding the collections call he got the day before, which was absolute bullshit! Anyway, H sends me a Facebook message at 3:52 saying he's leaving work in a few minutes and he'll see me at home. He's supposed to work until 6PM. Well I knew damn well at that point that he was setting up for me not being upset when I find him at home. I leave work 5 minutes later and if he indeed was leaving work the same time I was, he may have beat me home by 10-15 minutes. Yet I get home and he's got boards all put together around the garden, the electric saw has been set up and obviously been used, tools sitting all over the yard, all the windows open, he's sweaty, the radio is blaring. I say "You've been home all day haven't you?" He says 'Yup, pretty much". I was flabbergasted! Why did he just send me a message an hour earlier saying he was just leaving work when he KNEW I could tell he'd been home all day?! I mean it was an out and out lie and when I asked why he told me that, he totally ignored me and changed the subject. He hadn't even been drinking!

  • Denial from my adhd ex-wife by: atrain79 8 years 6 months ago

    My ex-wife showed almost everyone of the classic Adhd symptoms in adult women. Always misplacing things, house a mess, clothes in piles, money randomly placed around house, empty cigarette cartons in different of clothes drawers,curling irons left on consistantly. I could go on & on regarding her symptoms. After doing lots of research on this subject, i finally realized what our issues were caused from in our marriage of 8 years. We were madly in love the first couple of years. Then after having 2 children starting 1 year after our marriage things started to change. My - ex would always say to me that she just couldn't keep up. I began to carry a lot more of the household chores & so on. I began to resent her laying around so much especially on weekends saying that she cleaned the house all day but would never do the cleaning. Problems worsened & it just seemed that we just couldn't communicate. I never brought up these issues to her & as i look back i should of. I just thought i needed to suck it up and be the best non- complaining husband i could be. After our divorce just 4 months ago i still feel there is hope for us to get back together again. I love her so much still & i feel she really cares for me also. We still call each other babe & honey on some occasions. Now my 7 year old son has been diagnosed with inattentive add. My ex-wife is still in denial after my sons diagnosis. I haven't pressed her at all regarding seeing a Dr. I think if she gets a diagnosis it would turn her life around. She is such a loving person & means so well. Any input on what i could do are should do if anything ?

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