2014 was the year of his secret bank account (since closed when discovered). The year he asked me to get a form notarized so he could take some $ out of his work IRA to pay kid's tuition--and seemed astounded when I found and read the missing  pages of the document and realized I'd be signing off all rights to my share of his pension (and I didn't sign that paper). This is the year he wanted to show me a picture of our kid on his phone--but instead showed me a pictured he'd secretly taken of our check book, bc our tax preparer had suggested I transfer some $ into my IRA (first time since I married him!) bc it would lessen out 2013 tax bill--all of which had been explained to him, of course, but he didn't remember, so he took a picture of the check I wrote to my IRA, for no reason he could articulate!. My "evil motivation in all this" (ie in following our CPA's advice) was to hold on to as much cash as possible for our two leaning disabled kids, in a world where money passes through their father's hands like water.

Now I am up to my eyebrows in forensic accounting, because he left me with all the statements from his now-closed secret account, and I'm trying to figure out what got deposited from where (he works freelance! oy!) to pay which tax-deductible bill. And he's a septogenarian hypochondriac (all that attention!), so just piecing together the medical bills is a job and a half. And the man can't even do the addition and subtraction of a checkbook--so I've  had this all on me for the last decade or so. But he can open secret accounts, and then not seem to understand anything about them! And then out his own secret, by handing me medical receipts he paid from that secret account. (Apologies if this makes no sense, it barely makes sense to me, my brain is melting...)

So I have chest pains...and he's off out of state visiting his sister...and I'm writing this to shame myself into admitting I can't go on...Admit it before the constant work of mothering these kids and suing the Board of Ed every year on my son's behalf...and being the forensic accountant....and facing how little I'm earning part-time...and feeling too crazy myself to try to deal with divorce lawyers... makes me put ending this marriage off again, for another year, hating myself for hoping he'll die...

I feel in my bones that my only hope is to find a divorce lawyer who specializes in these ADHD-related catastrophes--because anyone else will see me as a quivering incoherent mess. Others have posted here about how, after holding on past all endurance, we "non" spouses look crazed. My ADHD spouse--happy as a clam when he faces the world, accomplished and jovial and seemingly carefree. (Only I get the full picture...)

Help!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. He has inattentive ADHD and has a history of verbally abusive relationships. I myself have OCD and have a history of physically abusive relationships. This makes things very difficult since I am not currently on any form of anxiolytics and he is on Ritalin which also, as you all may know, has a side-effect of anxiety. Go figure. This makes communication very hard because when he gets confused or flustered or is trying to refocus himself, he becomes angry. His outlet for his frustrations are channeled towards anger as opposed to anything else. He often tends to you repeat himself and reinforce things in way that almost feels guilt tripping. I feel trapped by his incessant need to ask questions and clarify every little thing. Sometimes we argue about things like the correct usage of a word or a tick I have and he argues usage to the bitter end, which aggravates my OCD with my need for things to be just-so, sending me into a panic attack. And of course, panic attacks are something he cannot comprehend as well. There was an instance in which he didn't understand why I wanted him to tell me what time we were planning to go on an outing the next day and questioned me as to why it was so important to know the exact time at that moment, to which I entered an anxiety crisis and he continued bombard my mind (which was already closing in on me) with questions like "what is going on", "why are you crying", "why won't you look at me/answer me", and statements like "I don't understand why you're freaking out right now" and "what is the purpose of knowing the exact time." Had it not been for my roommate who used deep breathing exercises with me, I might have began thrashing. His ADHD drives him mad with questions that cause him to stutter with the quickness of his mind and make him angry and frustrated. He is not violent to anyone except himself. He hits himself and slams his body into hard items in frustration. He wants to understand everything so desperately but he can't and I cannot understand him completely because his mind races so quickly and I am slow and methodical. He's brain is very "guns blazing" and "Hi-Ho Silver!" I'm scared for his safety and our arguments cause me too much anxiety. I feel like I shouldn't share my opinions, thoughts, and feelings because he cannot cognitively understand without stressing me out because most of my processes are unexplainable, irrational, and can only be attributed to my OCD. Sometimes I feel like if I was just normal, I could help him. I feel like a terrible person because I feel like the way I am makes everything worse. I used to think that it was him that was trying to understand but it has become clear to me that he pushes himself to the limit to understand even though the way he processes things is often convoluted and scattered. I feel like I'm the problem because it's not that he's the hard one to understand...it's me. And I'm making everything worse. Are there any other spouses/partners of someone with ADHD and have OCD themselves or vice versas? Can anyone help me? I want to be with this man for a long time, but as though the way I am is getting in the way. Is there anyone with ADHD who is with someone with OCD and can tell me what my boyfriend may be feeling? Please help :(

Note to self:  make the 'to do list' the night BEFORE the day comes.

I say this as a start to a routine sched.  I'm finding it exremeley hard to know what and where I should 'start' my very busy (or at least it should be) day.  I just keep looking around and coming back to the screen.  

Focus and Breathe. ... Calm and Steady.  Relax and Go.

I'm finding that I might be/am overwhelming myself with my eternal 'need' for answers, explaination.  I need to pace myself.  And be kind to myself.  It's me and 'IT' is going to be with me.  Now and Then.  Instead of me going along for the ride..I need to be behind the wheel.  ....at least think I am.

Anyways...to do list nigh before.

Any other suggestions?  What works?  I've never done this so:  remember...what may have not worked for you..might work for me and vice versa.  I'm a novice player and nothing will be 'wrong'.

Thnx