Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • what if I'm the one who doesn't fit?? by: dvance 9 years 8 months ago

    The longer I am in this marriage with an ADHD person and raising an ADHD son, the more I think it's me that is the problem.  I am only half kidding.  My son is going to be 16 in May and he is basically a great kid--has a job, clean cut, swim team and water polo, grades--up and down.  Here's what I don't get--he makes so many odd assumptions and then gets mad at me when I don't get on board.  For example, he currently has mostly Cs in high school.  He doesn't try very hard, isn't fussed if things are late, satisfied with mediocre and yet--wants to go to UCLA.  How in the WORLD will that EVER happen with those grades???  We have sat together and looked at the entrance requirements on the UCLA website and I can tell you it's not Cs and yet there is no connection between what he wants and how to act to get it.  When I do laundry I put his clothes on his chair and it's up to him to put them away.  This hardly every happens.  Currently he has so many clothes on his chair that they are spilling off onto the floor.  And no matter how many times I ask, it does not get done.  I know this sounds like typical teen behavior, but there is so much more!!!  Now, why am I posting this on a marriage forum??  Because this is how hubby acts too.  I can ask him to do something five times and there is absolutely no movement towards getting it done at all.  No matter how little time it would take to do it.  For example, we live in an apartment and have two indoor parking spaces next to each other-his is in the corner of the garage, so he only has my car on the other side.  There is so much crap pilled up along the wall and behind our cars--it's embarrassing.  We are the only people with stuff behind our cars.  What is the stuff?  Empty Home Depot buckets, a broken air conditioner, two ladders, leftover sheets of plywood, a huge budweiser sign that he found in someone else's garbage, wooden wine crates for some craft project that never got done, a beer keg for some other craft project that never got done.  Just today I asked if we could toss some of that stuff and he said "I don't know".  Okay then.  Hubby cannot clearly communicate with me about pretty much anything.  He travels for work.  I will ask him when he is leaving (sometimes he flies, sometimes drives) and he'll say things like "I'll head out as soon as I get up".  How am I supposed to know what time that will be??  Today it took me three texts to get it out of him what time he would be home from oldest son's water polo tourney.  Why is it so difficult to answer a questions in a straightforward way?  And this is why I think that I am the problem.  I am the bad guy in the family all the time to everyone.  I am the one who makes the oldest one do stuff when dad is out of town.  I am the one who asks hubby umpteen times to do something that I really need or want done so it's nagging DESPITE the fact that hubby is the one who did not do what I asked.  I am the one who asks basically the same question repeatedly to get the information I need despite the fact that it's hubby who can't give a clear answer to save his life.  Nothing that bothers me bothers him--the amount of laundry on Oldest Sons chair/floor drives me nuts-not him.  We have a LOT of medical debt right now-mostly from him.  I seriously lay awake going over numbers in my head to figure out how we are going to get out of it.  I have no idea if he ever thinks about it one way or the other.  He never says a word about it.  He asks me very few questions about what I'm doing.  He makes a point to always ask about my day but all I say is it was fine-I don't say much because he has accused me of complaining too much about my job, so I just say oh, fine day, nothing special, and he doesn't persue it at all, but he will go on and on about his day.  I posted a while ago about how I really don't like what I have become since living with an ADHD spouse.  I have no expectations of hubby at all.  Don't care if he asks me about my day, don't care to hear about his, but I listen to be polite.  When he is traveling, he may or may not call us and I sometimes don't even notice or I have to think about the last time I heard from him.  How sad is that?  Sometimes I don't know where he is.  He tells me, I just don't retain it.  We can sit on the couch for a couple of hours in the evening watching something and not speak at all, much less cuddle.  If we walk somewhere in the neighborhood to do errands, we don't hold hands any more (used to).  In the car, one of us used to reach for the other's hand-that does not happen any more either.  I don't even care.  I think I am the problem.  I don't have enough patience or compassion for this.  I have tried for 20 years and right now all I can think of is when the kids go to college I can leave and live alone.  I literally stand in my house now and look around and think about the items I would take with me when I go.  And it's very little.  I want to live in a studio apartment that's decorated all in white-white walls, white furniture.  I want to have like two sets of plates/cups/silverware, two tea mugs, two sets of towels.  I want to have loads of shelves for my books, a good sound system to listen to the classical music that I love, a rabbit or two to hang out with (we have had rabbits for 20 years--right now we have two--LOVE my bunnies!!!!).  I want to not have a land line phone-no way for anyone to get ahold of me-I can turn a cell phone OFF.  I just want to be left alone.  I am tired of making decisions.  I am tired of having to monitor everything I say, how I say it, how much I say, when I say it and how the mood of the other person is before I say it.  We got a $5000 tax refund a few weeks ago and I paid back a ton of bills and never said a word to him.  When I finally told him, he said whatever I did was fine.  I signed a contract on a promotion at my school on Friday.  I was negotiating with the pastor (I teach in a Catholic school--ironic, right?!?!!) for about a month before we came to this really really good agreement.  I only told hubby when the contract was signed because I know I am capable of thinking it through on my own and I really didn't care what he might have to say about it.  Again, not the kind of person I want to be.  I think it is too late for me to be a true partner to someone.  I don't think I can any more.  I think whatever softness that requires is long gone.  I am so tired of compromising, I don't think I can do it any more.  I know I don't ever want to live with someone ever again.  I sleep so much better when hubby is out of town and yet when he comes home, the first thing he says to me the first night he is back in our bed is how much he misses being in bed with me.  What kind of monster does that make me that I prefer to sleep alone and he misses sleeping with me??  Any sharing, asking another person's opinion, discussing things before making a decision--I don't think I can do that any more because it's been so long since we did it here.  ADHD thinking is so convoluted to me that I honestly avoid having philosophical or big decision-ish conversations because half the time I don't understand or agree with what he is saying so why bother.  I think that is a skill set that has left me.  Our counselor asked a few weeks ago what I need from hubby and I honestly could not think of a single thing besides his paycheck.  I feel like over time so many parts of me have closed up--sharing, trusting, counting on someone to have your back, valuing another person's opinion, actually wanting to have a discussion before making a decision.  Another teacher at my school (the math specialist) who is about 15 years younger than me and only married a year had to talk to her husband before agreeing to to teach an additional math class for a teacher who was going on maternity leave.  I just cannot get my brain around that--why would he care?  Why would you have to discuss that with anyone much less your husband?  Why would he care how you spend the hours of your teaching day?  She knows some of our issues so I actually asked her why she would even mention that let alone have a big discussion about it and she said her husband doesn't want her to take on too much or feel overworked.  Huh.  Would not even occur to me to mention that at home.  My promotion was to Assistant Principal.  It's a big deal.  I have many new additional responsibilities that were assigned to me in addition to my full time teaching.  I never even occurred to me to tell hubby what else I will be doing.  He didn't ask either, but it's clearly listed in my new contract, so I know, I just don't know why he would even be interested or care what I do.  And that's why I think I am the problem--I think I am no longer suited to being with another person.  

    thoughts?

  • New to the site and looking for resources advice about divorce by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 8 months ago

    Hello,

    I've been with my ADHD spouse since 1998 and we were married in 2005. He was diagnosed as a child, I didn't know he had ADHD when we met because he wasn't on medication and didn't mention it while we were dating. I was so happy when I met him in college, they way he talked about high school I thought I had found a partner who was intelligent (majoring in computer science), creative (had performed in theatre), and athletic (had played soccer). I graduated high school early and was only 17 when I went to school and met my boyfriend now spouse. He overwhelmed me with love and attention and we ended up moving in together that following summer. 

    I won't go into the entire story or I'll end up writing my own book, suffice to say that I'm 33 now and I've been on this rollercoaster a very, very long time. I didn't know what to do with my relationship and thought it was me for a long time, we moved around a lot for his career and as a result my education got pushed aside. I lost touch with my family, friends, and ended up with him as my only companion. That isolation and his reaction or lack of reaction to me completely eroded my self-esteem and sense of abilities. Where I had once been a high-achieving, successful student I began to feel stupid and developed anxiety attacks. I jumped through every hoop I could manage to get his attention and try to regain the love and connection we had shared early on.

    I am so incredibly tired now, I don't have children because I kept waiting for him to "grow up" and establish a connection with me again. I've been lonely for a long time but I always vowed that I would never have kids to provide companionship for myself. I grew up in a broken home and I want my kid(s) to see a loving mother and father who are friends and partners in life. I thought I didn't want children for a long time, now I wonder if I just didn't want kids with him and I might feel differently if I were around another person who was responsible, interactive, communicative, and affectionate.

    I spent the last year living by myself, I took an incredible job opportunity in another city and state. I moved into my own apartment, bought furniture and worked in a high-pressure, intense job and loved it! My house was organized and clean, I came home and didn't feel stressed in the evening. I was able to work out and lose over 30 lbs, my husband stayed in our house at his current job. When I would drive to visit on the weekends I ended up doing housework and yard work. Very quickly I told him I can't maintain two houses and a full-time job. I had to hire my mother to clean my house and he wouldn't keep up with the yard so I had to hire someone to cut the grass as well. I really did not want to come back to this but I ended up with severe dry eye problems at my office that couldn't be treated and left me in extreme pain. Sadly, just last Dec. I had to walk away from that job and the hope that I would finally be free and able to divorce.

    I'm back living with my husband and it's been a nightmare, I can't handle his ADHD even though he is finally getting around to doing something about it. We argue, scream, and fight (not physically) almost every day. We are an entirely toxic couple that has nothing in common, no meaningful interactions, we haven't shared a bedroom since 2001 (due to his untreated snoring), we went over 4 years without being intimate. I've asked this man to please divorce me for years, when I didn't have a job and couldn't afford to go hire a lawyer and do it myself. Everything I've done in the last few years has been to try and work through my own issues, become financially independent, and try desperately to get out of this hell I have created for myself.

    I'm looking for another job, my eye still hurts and I've been seeing a doctor about it for over a year, I'm not sure what I can do. I don't have any family locally I can turn to or I would have moved back home years ago. I tried going to a counselor last year to be my advisor during divorce and she acted like I should want to stay in my marriage. Kudos to those of you working things out but I am a worn out, bitter, hateful, ugly person around my husband. When I'm not around him I'm peaceful, hopeful, happy, energetic and I'm able to make friends, follow-through on plans, and it's so much easier to maintain my life.

    How can I get out of this when I finally thought I had a way and ended up sabotaged by an unexpected medical issue?

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Difficult time in my marriage to ADD hubby with ADD kids by: Just Want 2B Loved 9 years 8 months ago

    Hi all,

    I'm new here. Hoping for some help, insight, support. My husband of 12+ years was diagnosed last year We also have two children who are diagnosed. I have always loved him. I thought we had a happy marriage. But apparently he hid a lot of things from me.

    Two years ago I found out he had an emotional affair. It ended. We went to therapy and I learned that for all of our marriage he had been building up a wall of resentment toward me. We both work full time, but he did more of the cleaning and cooking while I did more of the home organization, scheduling, planning, packing, etc. I had depression at times in our marriage but I was raised to discuss feelings and be very open. Admittedly I was not prepared to be a housewife. I was overwhelmed and he seemed used to a different level of cooking than I was. He took over these tasks, and I let him. If he didn't like eating the way I did then I was fine letting him cook. I thought he liked it. I wish he would've expressed his feelings to me about this. Years later, he had mentioned going to marriage therapy but at the time I thought we were fantastic but busy and couldn't see how we could find the time or why we'd need to go. He never explained his feelings. Apparently, that lack of understanding on my part was his justification for the emotional affair. It went on for 1-2 years. I discovered it, he never told me. After we'd bee in therapy for 2 years I discovered he'd been having another one that whole time. Again, emotional. Again, he blamed me. I never thought he would be unfaithful in any way. I thought I had the best husband of any woman I knew. I thought he was a bit too friendly at times with women, but I chalked that up to him being a late bloomer who never had much dating experience and figured he just didn't understand. But it bothered me that when I would try to tell him something bothered me, he wouldn't get it. He acted like it was sexist that married men and other women can't be friends etc. He didn't seem to understand what crossed the line into flirting.

    He's become irritable. He is on meds now. He often blames me. I'm sensitive to guilt based on how I was raised and I feel like he knows how to manipulate me and does it on purpose. All of the lies I only know about if I discover them. He never discusses feelings. Rarely compliments me. No physical affection at all unless it's mandated by our therapist. I have changed my behavior based on what he says he needs in a partner. I cook the meals. I clean. He hasn't changed his behaviors. Nice one minute, cutting remark the next.  He seems to keep demanding more of me and reminds me of my past misbehavior. It's like there were invisible hoops I didn't know I was supposed to be jumping through for all these years! He has actually said he can't trust me! and that all my efforts now are just an act!

    Our therapist says I need to set a time limit in my head, and if he doesn't "step up" and put in some effort into repairing our marriage by then- I need to be ready to seperate. I can't make him love me or change. He says he wants to fix things. But he has also told me talk is cheap when I make promises...

    I'm fearful of the example this is setting for my children. My son seems oblivious so far but I know my daughter is concerned and I've talked to her as much as is appropriate to ease her fears. I don't want them to think that them having ADD means they can't have successful relationships/marriages.

    Anyone been through this? If we do seperate I hope it would be temporary. I've always loved him and I still do. I believe the man I fell in love with is still inside of him. I know he feels guilty. I think he's lost sight of himself too. I can't tell if he dislikes me or this new version of himself. I want him to be happy. He's a great dad, but it seems like he is addicted to the attention of other women and it's ruining our marriage. I can't trust him and my once healthy self esteem is in the toilet.

    help!

  • Suggestions for Time-Tracking Apps? by: MargaretPaul 9 years 8 months ago

    Hello!

    I am tired of time always getting away from me. I can start a task that I think will take 10 minutes, and before I know it two hours have passed! I have been searching for an app that will make my phone alert me to the passage of time, preferably without any input from me. I was thinking of something along the lines of an alert every hour, like an old fashioned clock would do. I have found plenty of apps for alerting me to deadlines, and some that I can program to start a timer when I start a task, but that's not quite what I'm looking for. Suggestions?

  • And so it continues to get worse by: Julia 9 years 8 months ago

    After being diagnosed in January 2009, starting therapy and meds while unemployed and getting a new job that year, DH is unemployed again since December. Although is ADHD is not in control, this job loss is not totally his fault. Change of leadership, wanting to cut at the top to save money, finding nits to get people to quit. DH asked for accommodations, they wouldn't and blamed him, he was advised by his lawyer to quit and file a complaint with Human Rights. That's underway.

    He was diagnosed last week with depression.

    Things have been getting from bad to worse at home though. Stress at work not helping granted. Arguing, lying etc... But what makes it worse is the blaming. I have been crying almost everyday for over a year now, exhausted, overwhelmed and blamed for our issues: I am not loving enough to him, not empathetic, not caring, not affectionate etc..

    Then it turned into me being the reason for my own sadness: he is loving, supportive and caring to me, I just refuse to see it so it's my own fault.

    Now I am emasculating him, bitchy and abusive.

    This stems out of me asking for help (I'm bitchy), asking him to stick to the family budget, especially important now that he is unemployed - I manage it, pay all the bills, do our taxes etc... - (I'm emasculating him). I ask him to treat me as an equal and contribute so that I don't have to do so much (I'm abusive).

    Today he's upset because I left for work, he was still in bed, and I didn't ask him how he is feeling or enquire about his appointment for his new meds. 

    He is also upset because this week I told him that I hate feeling this way: I don't want to go to work but have no choice and i don't want to come home but have no choice either. He is upset but tells me I am the one who needs help but 1. I can't leave my job. 2. I can't ask him for help, he is depressed I need to understand and although he realizes he could be more supportive, I am the one who refuses to see ANY support he is giving me. 3. I need to get help. 4. If only I was more loving to him, things would be better.

    I am late to work again today, after crying again this morning.

    I hate my life.

    EDITED to add: After reading other posts, noting that the other source of arguments is this: He will say hurtful things then deny he said them and remember as a fact that he said nice things or corrected things or apologized when he didn't. He will assume I think things that I don't, mean things other than what I am saying, attack him when I am not etc... Then he will argue that I am wrong. 

  • Relationship has ended???? by: tg7188 9 years 8 months ago

    Hello all, I need some advice on this topic as I'm so heartbroken, sad, and very confused.  I was dating this lovely guy for about 5 months who has ADD. I didn't know he even had ADD until 3.5 months into the relationship where he dropped his Ritalin pill on the ground and I asked what it was.  We were doing a long distance relationship and things were great.  There were some quirks about him that I have now realized where ADD like behavior.  For example, he has road rage and drives like he is in a hurry all the time.  He tends to get offended easily if he takes what is said to him in the wrong context.  He never admits that he is wrong about anything.  He told me that during xmas break, he went back home to visit his family and cut his short trip b/c him and his grandma got into an argument and rather than stay there the last night, he lied and said his flight was a day early and decided to stay at a hotel instead b/c he couldn't handle the situation.  Well, I went to go visit him for Valentine's day weekend. He had to work both Saturday and Sunday b/c his team had a deadline to meet and work was insane.  Prior to Valentine's day weekend,  I hardly heard from him.  Texts were far and few.  I gave him his space as I knew he was stressed out.  Valentine's day weekend was fine.  I didn't expect anything nor did we do anything. I didn't care.  He kept telling me how stressed and exhausted he was and that he's not sleeping well either.  The last evening we spend together which was Sunday the day after V-day, we were getting ready for bed and he didn't want to be intimate.  I felt rejected and was taken aback b/c he's never rejected me.  He simply said he was too tired.  I immediately got defensive b/c it felt weird, considering we are doing long distance.  My guard went up thinking that maybe he was no longer interested in me.  I tried to talk about it with him and that went no where. Unfortunately, I brought up the fact that I never hear from him anymore and that I was feeling neglected.  Low and behold did I then realize that he felt attacked by my blaming him.   He immediately got defensive himself and we started arguing.  He got so mad that he started cursing and yelling at me and we both went to bed upset. The next morning he dropped me off at the airport.  The car ride was in silence.  He did give me a hug and unfortunately I wasn't very receptive, which I wish I would have been.  After he left, I sat at the airport and started googling ADD and relationships.  I began to realize that I wasn't understanding him when he said he was tired and stressed and instead was placing my needs before his, thus causing him more stress.  It was clear as day that he doesn't do well in stressful environments.  Well....needless to say I did reach out to him and apologized for everything and he wasn't that receptive, which I wasn't surprised by any means.  He, himself, never apologized for cursing and yelling, but I didn't expect him to.  Days would go by and I would text him pretty much every other day to see how he was doing.  He would respond short texts most of the time, but never asked me how I was doing.  One day, I guess he got irritated with me and told me he didn't have time to text.  I left him alone for a few days and reached out to him again.  He, again, wasn't being responsive.  Finally, I reached out to him asking to talk and he refused to.  I then proceeded to ask why and he just basically told me to leave him alone.  I told him that I wanted to spend some quality time with him as I  wanted to work on repairing our relationship and how I thought it was worth saving.  He said he was no longer interested.  I didn't get a real reason why he wanted to break up other than he telling me that I consistently ask him if he's seeing some else (I've only asked twice and that was since last time we visited, anytime prior I have never asked.)  I told him that we had a fight and it was just a huge misunderstanding.  He wouldn't really text back.  I asked him if he loved me and he refused to answer the question.  He said he wasn't going to answer any "loaded questions."  Two days later, I reached out to him again asking to talk and he said "no thank you."  He refused to talk about what had happened. I told him that I thought he was being unfair to me and he said he didn't care.  The texting ended pretty badly with me asking him if he honestly didn't love me and he said, "not like that anymore."  So I ended the texts by kindly thanking him for everything and to take care.  He says, "you too."  I'm crushed!  He was very affectionated and loving up until that last night which I totally took the wrong way.  But, why is he so upset and bitter?  Is this typical ADD behavior?  And if so, if there a chance that maybe he might come to his senses and realize that he made a mistake?  I don't understand how he could change his feelings so quickly and want to break up.  I keep thinking that he's upset and rather than deal with the issue, he'd rather give up, thus the break up.  I'm really heartbroken and even more confused.  Any advice.  We haven't texted for 5 days now.  I doubt he will reach out to me.  Should I accept that this is really over, or is there still a chance?  Please help!!!!!!!   

     

  • Is ADHD primarily in caucasions? or doesn't it matter? by: dedelight4 9 years 8 months ago

    I was just wondering if ADHD is a condition that is primarily in caucasions, or if it nondiscriminatory when it comes to race, gender etc?  There does seem to be a large majority of caucasion people with ADHD, but was just wondering if there are any statistics on this? Does anyone know? Melissa?

  • Blamming the ADHD by: non 9 years 8 months ago

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. He has inattentive ADHD and has a history of verbally abusive relationships. I myself have OCD and have a history of physically abusive relationships. We are a very loving couple and can typically very understanding of each other. Unfortunately, when situations get stressed, that sometimes is not the case. Very often in arguments, I get the same response: “I’m sorry but that’s just how I think/am. I’m ADHD, okay, I’m sorry.” It becomes very difficult to communicate the issue because every time he senses some possible fault in himself, he attributes it automatically to his ADHD. To me it feels like he’s guilting me, tells me that he hates himself and wishes he didn’t have ADHD. I don’t ever make any attacks at him but I do try to give him advice on how we can communicate better. He in turn believes that I’m “chewing him out.” He always insist I say something I didn’t and whenever I try to challenge him on it he becomes self pitying and starts saying how he just thinks differently and misinterprets. He constantly asks questions that to me feel very accusatory, almost as if to question my actions, and then when I feel like these questions are unnecessary, he says that he’s just asking questions to appease his ADHD and that I shouldn’t have a problem with it. I feel afraid to say how I may feel offended because he doesn’t understand that there is such a thing unintended offense. Now I promised to never start a fight because he feels like “no one understands me” even though I’m patient and I’m trying to have him understand how other people may think. I feel like I’m walking on glass when I’m with him now, too afraid to say anything for fear he’ll become depressed for his feelings or rejection of my own feelings (ie., they have no substance because “I would never hurt your feelings, I just have a disorder”). He speaks harshly when he feels attacked and it makes me so upset because this is someone I love and want to be with for a long time but I feel like leaving because he says he’ll change but doesn’t appear to because he thinks that his ADHD should be an excuse for everything we argue about. Someone please help me. I don’t know how much more I can bear.

  • Am I Crazy?? by: SarahCBrown 9 years 8 months ago

    Hello, I am new here and am glad that I found this forum.  How do you handle disagreements with someone with ADHD?  My H is ADHD and I am at the point, after 5-years, of avoiding all disagreements with him because some how they always get turned around to how I am the overly sensitive unrealistic person in the relationship as I sit there in tears after being told to go F*** off.  Of course I'm going to be sensitive to being told that by someone who says that they love me and whom I deeply love.  Sometimes I feel as though maybe I AM the crazy sensitive one who is too easily hurt.  But when I talk to my close friends about it, they are all in agreement that this is not normal.  Please help!!

  • New here and could use some help.... by: Krissy37 9 years 8 months ago

    I've been married to my husband for almost 12 years. He is a wonderful man, everyone's best friend, would give a stranger the clothes off his back, outside of the home. On the inside, I've felt like I have been going crazy for the past 12 years. I feel as though I am in constant fight or flight mode. I guess I don't understand. I've suspected for quite some time that he has ADD/ADHD but he will not get tested. We went to counseling once where he admits to having it but states he does not want to take medication and feels he can manage it. We quit going because he told me he felt as thought I made him look like a constant "dick" in our sessions. So, I once again just gave up. Some of the things that he tends to do are:waiting to the last minute to get ready if we are going somewhere, underestimating the amount of time it will take to complete a project then getting pissed at himself when things don't work out the way he thinks they should, zoning out on the computer, he is constantly on his cell phone....talking to people or texting people, I seem to get blamed for 99% of the things that go wrong...somehow everything is my fault, he is obsessive about how clean the kitchen is but doesn't care about the rest of the house, he tells me how unorganized I am, he expects perfection from our children (we have 3 boys and I have a daughter from a previous relationship who does not live with us....her and my husband do not get along...) he expects them to sit still, be quiet, etc....my husband expects me to be at his every beck and call and to "help" him constantly which usually results in him getting mad at me for not helping correctly, If I am talking about something at work he constantly interrupts me to tell me something about his work making me feel as though my information is not important enough, my husband is always right...even when he is wrong he is right, he makes a commitment to do something then decides at the last minute he doesn't want to do it because it is too hard or too much work, we make plans to do things then at the last minute he finds a way to get out of them, I feel as though he is constantly sabotaging me...my friendships, my weight loss, etc, he says he will support me but then never seems to follow through with it or he will find a way to berate me or accuse me of something, everything seems to have to be on his terms and done his way, he tells me that I never listen to him and I don't support him, really the list could go on but I will stop there.

    So, all in all I feel like I am going absolutely insane. I've gained 40lbs (which I am trying to lose), I cry alot, I try not to engage him in arguments which just seems to infuriate him more, I tackle all the household chores because he is always "too busy" to do anything. I deal with our children the majority of the time because he doesn't have the patience or he is "too busy". But yet when asked he will tell you how much he does around the house and he doesn't understand why I complain so much. I worked full time also and I work 3rd shift so I just feel constantly run down. My husband has kept a steady job and he is really good at what he does. He is very focused at work, organized, able to handle things but when he comes home it all seems to fall apart. I try and tell him how I feel but that just ends up in an argument because he feels as though I am attacking him. He isn't very "loving"....his idea of showing affection is grabbing my breast or slapping me on the butt....he can just act very immature for his age. It is almost like he feels that everything and everyone should revolve around him and his thoughts and his ways. All in all, I am sick of crying, I am sick of fighting, I am sick of feeling broken. I left him once for about 6 weeks and he really did make some improvements and now it feels like we have done a 360. I'm lost. I don't know where else to turn or what else to do. I don't want our marriage to fail but yet I don't know how I am going to survive like this for the next 50+ years.....I can't go back to counseling or he will accuse me of wanting to leave again....I have no one to talk to....my family can't stand my husband and this has created a huge divide between us....I'm just lost....so any help or information, anything, would be deeply appreciated. Thank you in advance!

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