I few months ago I just let go of my bitterness and resentment. This has been a huge bonus for us in our marriage. But, that isn't enough for my ADD wife. We haven't had sex in 9 weeks. That is partly due to me not initiating. I had to let go in order to find peace and happiness. So let me explain what is happening and perhaps someone has a suggestion for me to try. 

My wife forgets sex. She forgets everything I like during sex. Any preferences or adjustments that you would assume happen over a life time together.. they just vanish. Certain positions are uncomfortable. Certain paces don't work... you know those things you spend a life time learning about each other, right? Well, she can't remember them. On top of that, if I say anything like, that hurts, a little faster, etc. She freaks out. Why can't I just like what she does. This is after 30 years of sex... she can't remember what I like, what I don't like and any request for adjustment is brutal to her. 

So, I've lost interest in sex. I'm told sex is all about me but when I ask for her desires she says she doesn't know. I try to find a compromise and negotiate something that works for both of us but she stonewalls me and says it's all about me. I try to insist that she needs to get what she likes as well but she won't tell me. She only insists that I should only accept what she does even when it's 100% not working for me. 

So the question is this. How do I stay engaged in sex and want sex if I'm never allowed to have any say or input?

Hi all,

I haven't posted here in a while because I wanted to take a step back and let my relationship grow. It has grown in some ways, but we have recognized what I consider a very challenging hurdle. My bf of 4 years shuts out everyone in his life to various degrees, he doesn't tell them things and doesn't trust them, because he literally cannot tolerate hearing an opinion about himself that he doesn't like. He has actually said "why should I have to listen to what other people think?" regarding myself and his family (the only people who actually attempt to be close to him). He admitted to emphasizing certain things and omitting other things in conversation with everyone he talks to (he didn't even admit it, he offered it up). This is a huge barrier to emotional intimacy between him and me, any anyone else in his life.

I am not often critical of him, but when I question something he does or express an opinion that he takes as criticism, he is rude and shuts the conversation down. I am just trying to communicate, but he doesn't think he has to "explain [himself] to anyone." I don't yell anymore, but he yells at me and works himself up until he literally has to run away. I watched him yelling last night and he was actually throwing a tantrum like a toddler would. We have plans to move in together and I wanted to know why he hasn't told his parents. We had dinner with them last night and I had to keep my mouth shut. He said he is waiting because he doesn't want to deal with it if anyone has a differing opinion. I said maybe they wouldn't be excited because he doesn't tell them much about us or his life. He said he'll tell them when it's "relevant." He has had boundary issues with his mom oversharing his business to people, but that doesn't excuse all of his behavior. They want to be involved in his life. He hangs onto the past and every negative thing he has perceived anyone saying to him. He ascribes negative motivations to people and thinks everything is thrown in his face; he doesn't give anyone the benefit of the doubt for caring about him. The most telling comment he made was that it's hard enough for him to feel good about himself, let alone hear people's opinions. 

This is becoming untenable for me because we can't have a conversation about it where he doesn't blame me and run away yelling. (He brought up a time 4 years ago when I told his mother something that he hadn't and said "that didn't go so well, did it?" I didn't even know what he meant about it not going well. He said he just felt like she treated him differently after. I am expected to read his mind.) I feel like I have tried every way I know how to have a conversation with him. He doesn't apologize after he yells and leaves. He thinks he is entitled to do whatever he wants and have people's support, and have their trust while they know that he is often manipulating the truth. He doesn't consider that it might be hard for people to trust him. I need the honest opinion of you all as to whether this is something that can be worked through if he isn't in therapy (he isn't). These are major trust, intimacy, self-esteem, and communication issues that is is blaming everyone for but himself. He seems incapable or unwilling to address the feelings of others. I am wondering how he even thinks this way (is he struggling to maintain a narrative of himself?), but I really need to know what I should do. Our relationship is pretty good otherwise, but being treated disrespectfully and not being able to be honest with him is not going to work as we move through life. I don't even know how to express how I feel to him because he won't listen.

Thanks for any thoughts or stories you might share.

I am going to try and keep this short.

I am 58 male and recently become aware that i have adhd. I have an appointment in late April with a psychologist to look at treatment options.

I have become aware of this because I have been in a long distance relationship,with diagnosed ADHD, that has affected in such a deep way, that my emotions have been out of control. TOTALLY.

I was the very happy recipient of hyper focus for 3 months and now it has been withdrawn. yup and after reading I know im not the only one lol. And my course has followed the course of everyone else.

So, even tho his behavior screams disinterest, (eg me always contacting him) His words tell a different story. Although the language has moved from "i love you, i love you, i love you" to "lets be friends with benefits".....which i am perfectly ok with. He still says he wants me as part of his life but wants to pursue another interest and is short of time. He also will not commit to a weekly Skype date.

So, the questions I have are:.

1. Will I be missed if withdraw for a week, as "the no contact rule" recommends. I have been texting him daily and he has said he does not find it a burden.

or

2. should i keep in his mind via text, so i am not forgotten.

and 3' I know he his hyperfocusing on someone else. he has told me. That's cool with me. But how long can i expect that sort of focus to last? Boredom has to settle in sooner or later>lol.

I would be thankful for any add/adhd people that can advise me. Cuase i need help. Becuase now i am hyperfocusing on this and its driving me nuts.

Thanks.

'

Hi,

My partner (who has ADHD) and I recently went to a series of counselling sessions with an ADHD expert. One of the ideas that we came up with during the sessions was to put up a whiteboard in our kitchen, that we could use to communicate with each other. My partner was particularly keen to use this to help us with scheduling. So if I need to know if he can come to a particular social engagement, or if I want us to discuss who's going to do a particular household task etc, I write it on the board. Then the idea is that he reads it, and gets back to me. This has worked some of the time. But most of the time, he does not get back to me about the things I write on the board. They just sit there for 2 or 3 weeks until I end up having to verbally remind him about them anyway! It's really annoying, particularly when the whiteboard was his idea in the first place. I'm wondering if there's a way to make this system work better. Like maybe we could have a weekly meeting to deal with items on the whiteboard that haven't been dealt with. Or maybe I could put a deadline on some of the items, so that if he doesn't get back to me in a particular timeframe, I just make my own arrangements (eg. if we're both invited to a party, and he doesn't get back to me, I'll just let the host know whether I'm coming or not, and leave him to contact them independently). What do others think? Anyone have any experience with this, or any ideas I haven't though of? Thanks.