I am new to all of this.  I am in a relationship with a woman who has ADHD. I never really had a clue what that meant.  We are talking about marriage. From reading this forum I see that certain issues seem to be constant.  Such as infidelity, lying, anger and communication. I want to see if we can make it.  What are some good strategies? I saw one post about having the right mindset, What else can I do to understand her needs?  She really means a lot to me and at the end of the day I need to know I am doing all I can for her and us.  

I've just joined this forum, seeking a bit of advice I guess, having just ended a relationship with a man I love. The relationship has only lasted ten months - we've both been married before, and when we met it was just the most incredible joy I've ever experienced. He delighted me - and that's not a phrase I ever would have thought about using to describe a grown man before :) Everything seemed to line up perfectly - our values and lifestyles and dreams were so similar, our kids similar ages. We'd hardly sleep because we had so much to say to each other. He made me laugh and laugh and laugh and he made me feel like I was the most special girl in the world. Then I realised he hardly seemed to sleep much anyway. And I started to notice other small things - that he couldn't have a conversation with me while he cooked dinner as the task seemed to take all his concentration, that it took him a week to pay bills that should take 10 minutes, that he fidgeted constantly, and he couldn't concentrate on conversations when we were out with friends, and he was distracted by everything on the roadside when driving. He's completely overwhelmed by household tasks and his kids' routine, and his kids' behaviours were pretty extreme - lots of anger from his oldest daughter, pretty extreme stuff). And he's lived in the same town all his life and doesn't seem to have any real friends, despite him being sociable and fun and outgoing. I'd try help him sort his house out, and he'd end up fiddling about hanging pictures "he'd been meaning to get up for a while" while I did the actual cleaning and tidying. And when I came back a few days later the house was just the same as it always was. And as he told me more about his experience as a kid at school, and more about why his marriage broke down (he kept saying that his ex-wife was just an angry person and that she treated him like a child and that she criticized him all the time - towards the end I started questioning that more - was she always angry or did that worsen as time went on? Because frankly I was starting to identify with her). And then there was the waning of the initial dizzy loveliness - suddenly I was no longer on the pedestal. He said all the right things, and to some extent did all the right things when I was right in front of him, but if I wasn't he was so focused on whatever he was doing that I may as well as not have existed. And I started to find that our moments of magic were getting few and far between and I was getting increasingly confused and distressed. And the relationship was bringing out the worst in me - stress and frustration and anger, because I just couldn't comprehend how he could be so present one moment and then I could feel so dismissed the next. And then I stumbled on ADHD forums online and he seems to be textbook. And I tried and tried to understand him and to put things in place to make it work. But I got more and more worn down, and I felt like I was forever making allowances for him...just to hold onto our ever-decreasing magical moments. And I started to feel so torn between what my head and heart were telling me. And then I started to realise that he could never meet my needs, that I could work and work and work at understanding him and supporting him and I was never going to get his full attention in return. He wanted to give me his attention, he just COULDN'T actually do it. And I was just going to have to forgive, forgive, forgive. And I started to despair with his excuses. And I have tried to leave him about 6 times over the last few months because I'm completely drained and feel like my life is absorbing his chaos. I guess this is a long way of asking does this sound like ADHD? It's also very cathartic to write that down because I've felt like I've been going quite mad and completely losing sense of myself. Could I have done anything to turn this around and to make it work? I feel like a failure and I feel like I'm walking away from the love of my life, and ironically it's because I feel like I need to rescue myself.

My husband and I live apart; he lives with and takes care of his aging parents.  He almost never calls me or responds to emails.  (E.g., in the past 10 weeks, he has called 2 times, I think.)

After our older daughter said she wouldn't be able to come home for Christmas, I said that I'd try to get some family members out to visit her in December.  Other daughter originally was interested but then decided she didn't have sufficient time, with school obligations.  I mentioned to my husband a few weeks ago that a trip was a possibility. 

So, I had called him Wednesday night to say what my tentative travel dates were.  (I had decided to wait to proceed with planning until after my second mammogram; all clear on that; hurray!)  He said, "You probably would have a better time if I didn't come along."  I didn't respond.  Later, he said something like the following:  "I'm depressed and I'd probably just drag [daughter] down."  I didn't respond.  He said he would ask a sibling whether she could cover for him.  I said we should talk the next evening.  He said he might call.  He didn't, so I called him.  Sibling can cover for him but has one conflict.  I said I'd look at other dates for the trip.    I called him back the next evening.  I told him the dates I was considering.   He was still not willing to decide.  "Oh, it would be really nice to see daughter and to be in a warm place, but...."  I said he should think about it.  He said he'd call me in the morning.  He didn't.  In the early afternoon, I called him.  He was still hedging.  I said I wanted to buy tickets and he said he'd call in the evening.  He didn't.

This morning, I bought my tickets.  I emailed him my itinerary but I don't plan to call him back.  I'm frustrated by my husband's difficulty with making decisions; even worse is him not calling me.  

Does anyone else encounter behavior like this?

I am so incredibly frustrated and don't know what to do, so am looking for advice.  

I am the non-ADHD spouse.  I know my ADHD husband needs me to constantly give him praise and I go out of my way every single day to make sure I do that.  If he actually finishes a project around the house, I go above and beyond praise.  I will literally take pictures of it, email my mother, show him her response about how nice it looks.  I will bring it up for days about how I'm so glad he did it, how it looks great, how I'm proud of him, etc etc.  

I also know that everything takes time.  I am not expecting him to magically become super organized and responsible over night.  I feel I'm quite realistic with my goals and expectations for him in therapy.  The one and practically only expectation is that he actually make an attempt to do what the therapist suggests he try doing.  (The other being he actually go to the therapist).  He is going to the therapist, but he is not trying anything she suggests.  He will come home from therapy and gleefully tell me what they talked about and how whatever the thing is she suggested he try that week is going to change everything.  Then, 3-4 days later, if I ask him if he has been trying it, he hasn't.  Then comes his next appointment and the same cycle continues.  

This morning I brought this up to him.  I first asked him what he was planning on bringing up to his therapist at his appointment.  He shrugged and said "I don't know."  I gave him a minute to think and he then came up with that he should bring in the latest supplement he decided to try.  I said that was good that he wanted to bring that up to her, but that wouldn't fill up an hour of time, unless there was something else related to the supplement he wanted to talk about.  He then said that he has been doing so good since his last appointment, he doesn't know what else to talk about and asked if I could think of anything.  I said, "Well, it's the same thing as usual."  He was visibly confused and asked "What are you talking about?"  I explained how I haven't seen him follow through with the things the therapist has suggested.  He then turned it around and said that I am constantly criticizing him and that he is trying as hard as he can and that I have too many unrealistic expectations of him and that I need to accept that he has ADHD and there's nothing that can be done to change that.  I tried really hard to remain calm.  I asked him if he could give me an example of when I criticize him, because I honestly couldn't remember the last time I had.  He thought for a moment, then blew up, saying the same things he had said before, just louder.  I didn't say a thing, just let him go off.  When he was done, I waited several minutes before saying anything.  I then asked him again if he could give me an example of my criticism, so that I could make sure in the future to handle myself differently.  I honestly want to know if I'm saying/doing things unconsciously that might be hurting him without my knowledge.  He then told me that it isn't that I criticize him, it is that I don't say enough positive things - encouragement, praise, etc.  I asked him what he would rather have me do than what I was doing, and he couldn't come up with an answer.  

So I'm totally lost.  I praise him constantly.  I make sure I say several positive things each night during the week, and then on weekends when he does projects around the house, I bend over backwards to praise him.  This apparently is not enough.  The therapist has told me that I need to help remind him to do things and also let her know when I feel DH is slipping back to his old tendencies (which I have only done once).  I do this in the most loving, patient, caring way I know how.  But if I am honest and tell DH that he isn't following through, he freaks out.  I can't praise him for things he isn't doing.  I also make a point to not be criticizing him all the time.  Being a negative person helps no one.  

I'm at the point where I feel therapy is not helping him at all.  We are paying out of pocket for the therapy, which would be ok if he was utilizing it, but he's not.  But I don't know what else to do.  I have changed leaps and bounds to accommodate his ADHD, but nothing I do is right or good enough.  I don't know if there is anything else I can do.  I want to be able to bring up issues and have a discussion with him without it turning into a three ring circus.  But I don't see how that can happen.  I don't know how to talk to him.  I don't know if therapy is worth it.  I'm totally lost and would love to hear anyone's advice.