I'm completely new to this forum but feel a mixture of relief and anxiety about communicating on here. We think that my husband has ADD. We have been together 9 years and after the honeymoon phase ended, I felt like something was up but didn't quite know what to put my finger on.  I thought he might've had aspergers syndrome and set up an appointment. The therapist explained that while he does display many apergers traits, he definitley doesn't have aspergers syndrome but is likely to have ADD. At the time (this is going back c. 5 years now), we were simply relieved he didn't have aspergers and stopped therapy. Obviously we didn't know what we were in for since we didn't delve into it any further.  Fast forward to now, and I am at the end of my tether with this thing.

My husband has only recently accepted that perhaps he needs to get a diagnosis and consider treating ADD.  The thing is, we live in France which causes a whole raft of problems. The issues are numerous, but my main concerns are how to move forward.   I'm not sure ADD is widely recognised in France and even read a report by ADHD Europe indicating that diagnosis and treatment were limited throughout Europe.  On top of this, my husband is currently on a short term contract and this is his excuse for not seeking help now.  His reasons are that we can't afford it financially and that finding the right therapist takes time and he doesn't want to settle on a therapist now, in the event that we have to move (which is highly likely).

But we have been in perpetual limbo for 2 years now and I'm sick of his excuses for not seeking diagnosis and treatment.  This may sound horrible, especially because I do love my husband and I truly believe that we could be so much happier and healthier if he would seek help, but the thing is, I also have a good sense of self worth and I am starting to weigh up the costs of living in this foreign land, with a husband who has no idea how to prioritise my/our needs above anyone else's.

To give a bit of background, he is French and I'm a Kiwi (from NZ).  We met while he was studying in NZ. He obviously stayed and we created a life together, which for the most part was fine. However, a massive, ongoing problem has been his mother.  After all the reading I've done on ADD, I can appreciate (in hindsight... which is always much easier), that a family dynamic must've grown in response to my husbands add symptoms. That aside, my mother in-law made my husband feel responsible for her happiness, explicitly telling him that his decision to live in NZ made her feel depressed (this, amongst many other things leads me to believe they had a very unhealthy relationship). She made her feelings very clear to me and we never got along. When she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I assumed he'd return to France. So I can't express how humbled I felt when he stayed.  We have our reasons for not moving right away but it was always our intention to move to when it was right for us. We decided this would either be when I finished university or if/when she physically needed us to be there.

But add was affecting us prior to all of this. He was unreliable, late, forgetful, always letting me down, made me take the lions share of our responsibilities and I basically felt like his mum. But to be honest, I didn't mind most of the time. We were otherwise happy, and I could do all of those things.  But there are other areas, like interpersonal communication and intimacy. I sometimes felt alone in the actual 'relationship' side of things. But I've always thought we could be better.

On top of all this, was the issue of his mum. We just never talked about her.  When it came to his family, he would shut me out (still does).  They could call him from France and order him back, and he'd jump on a plan without any thoughts about me or our life.  He was working towards his phd for that first part of our relationship.  It was hard enough feeling second to his phd. But when his mum got sick, I came third.  His mum was first, his phd second and I came at the end of all that.  I dont wanna be all melodramatic, but that was the most depressing year of my life.  When he submitted his thesis, he didn't even allow a couple of days for me/us.  He got on a plane 2 days later, discussing his timeframe with his family - not me.  He came back 2 months later, and I was so incredibly happy that he came back for me. I couldn't believe he returned for me.  My light at the end of the tunnel was christmas and we were nearly there. That was what got me through that horrible year.  So I was shattered when he told me, and I quote "my dad and sister told me i have to go back for christmas. I have no choice".  This, at the grand old age of 30 years.  I felt worthless compared to his family (still do!). Please don't get me wrong here, I am not begrudging the fact he needed to spend time with his mother and family. I'm not heartless and know that this needed to happen (as it stands, i had a great christmas with my own family). But I was/am incredibly frustrated that he's always being told what to do, and instead of carefully considering how he could/can make things work according to 'our needs', he does things according to his family and their desires.  

I am pretty conscious of what I can and can't deal with in life, and I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with 'all this' on the other side of the world, where I don't speak the language, where I don't have a network of friends or family of my own.  So I made it a condition that he had to deal with whatever 'it' was before we could move to France.  We did try.  We even went to a couples therapist, who made me feel like I was just being a heartless cow.  Of course we stopped going.  But, in his defense, he has made and continues to make such a huge effort to take responsibility for things. I can't express how much it means to me that he did it. i was so scared that he would become a self fulfulling prophecy (he always thinks he's useless), but he really stood up and took responsibility for us.  This is kind of where the problem lies though.  Since he's begun to take on more responisiblities, I know his ADD is becoming more problematic for him to deal with.  And I'm the one who has to live with the fall out - coz as far as he can see, he's dealing with everything as best as he can and if I would just shut my mouth, life would be perfect (according to him).

Anyhow, while ADD in itself is an issue that we need to deal with, the crux of my particular anger and resentment is his mother which he uses against me all the time. I still feel like she controls him/us even though she's not here.

Three months before I was due to graduate and then move to France, my mother in-law died.  It was very unexpected. She didn't even call my husband to say anything.  In my opinion (this is the anger speaking here), their whole family were cowards in dealing with her death. They skirted around the issue as if it didn't exist. Right before she died, when they were organising my husband's trip, they even told my husband to lie to his mum about his reason for being in France! (so that she wouldn't realise she was about to die).  My husband arrived 24 hours before she passed away and she was barely conscious. I know he feels guilty for not being there for her.  I know it is his right to grieve, but he doesn't know how.  So, it should be no surprise that when we get into arguments, he'll often bring up the fact he stayed in NZ to be with me. Several times, he has implied that he left her to die alone (she actually wasn't alone and had a lot of support), and when he's really angry, he'll say that he left his mum for nothing - nothing meaning me and our relationship.  This is where I draw the line.  I love my husband.  I see who he is beyond the ADD and I just want to be with that person.  But I will not tolerate being blamed, over and over again, for something that I didn't do.

I feel particularly angry about it because I had suggested that we move to France months prior to my mother in-law passing away.  I had grown exponentially and realised that I could deal with the move, warts and all.  But when I suggested this to my husband, he was the one who said no, reasoning that I needed to finish my degree before we could move.  At the time, I bought it.  But as time wore on, I felt that he couldn't deal with seeing his mum get worse.  I get that.  I understand it.  It makes so much sense.  But he needs to own the fact that he made the decision to live his own life in New Zealand, and not blame it on me.  He needs to hear from a third party that his mother never should've made him responsible for her happiness.  He also needs to hear that it was not only ok for him to live his own life, wherever he chose to, but that is his right as a grown man. But I know I can't be the one to tell him those things. And until he hears these things, I'm scared he'll never forgive himself and/or the fact that we had a life in New Zealand.

So anyway..... I just want him to know that its not his fault and that he has a right to be happy.  I want him to share himself with me. I also want him to hear me when I talk to him. I want to feel like he actually cares for me, that he has compassion and empathy for me. I want to feel like we have a happy, healthy future together. I want him to stop buckling to his family's every need and I want him to prioritise us/our needs before the rest of the world. I believe that treating/managing ADD is the key to all of this.  But whenever I raise the issue of add, he proceeds to remind me that he supports me financially, that he stayed in NZ for me and that he does so much for me and we just go around in circles.

Seriously, I know he is still the wonderful person that I fell in love with, but ADD, mothers issues, grief and dealing with a cross cultural relationship are just making his head all fuzzy.  I know this, he knows this, but he refuses to deal with it, at a time when I think it would be most valuable. I know he's in there, but I also have myself to look after. I have a very healthy sense of self worth and believe that my full potential is not being realised while I am living in another country dealing (or not dealing) with a husband who has untreated ADD.  If he would just deal with it, I could suck it up and deal with everything else.  But if he continues to ignore it, then I feel like I'm just wasting my time being in a relationship with him. I don't want us to separate, but how the hell do I get what I need out of this?

Sometimes it is important to remind ourselves why we chose someone with ADHD as a partner... while they can be frustrating sometimes we forget that WE are also part of the problem.

So what do you love about your ADHD partner?

I love that my husband doesn't dwell on things... he always remembers the best parts of a vacation or weekend without dwelling on anything negative that happened.  I am the opposite.  I dissect every little thing.  He helps me to live in the moment.

I long for hearing , "Gosh I forgot."  I long for hearing, "Darn, it may have been me."  I long for hearing, "Hmm, I wonder if I forgot to hook the gate?"  I long for an adult taking responsibilities for the simple fact that he  may or may not have been responsible for something.  

I came home from work today to find the gate open between the dining and living room, leading to the inevitable of discovering the dog peed in the living room carpet.  When I was talking to my spouse I mentioned that the gate was left open, to which my spouse said it was left open by our 25 year old son. 

So when our son got home I addressed it with him.  His response was anger.  He was not the last one to leave the house, and he stated with anger that he was not going to clean the carpet.  

A bit later my son came in asking, in a frustrated voice, the location of the carpet cleaner.  Sigh.   I started to cry.  The answer to this issue is NOT him and I constantly "keeping the peace" because we can't discuss these things with my spouse without a major argument.  My son  has had headaches for the past month.  Stress, I know it.  Major tension here at our home, so thick you can cut it with a knife.  Subconsciously I am avoiding everything, not asking for anything, trying my best to just retreat from arguments without playing the eggshell walking game.  

 This is where my life evolved, regardless of my hard work, my searching, my reading, my learning, my boundaries, my letting go of my parenting my husband,  my asking for answers that are not found.  I cannot get far enough away from "the box" to see how this really is.  

So if a parent/child dynamic evolves with the non-adhd spouse being the dominant figure, I cannot understand how my relationship is such, as my doing everything evolved because nothing got done except by me.  And discussion over the chore-wars got my spouse angry, so I was trying to keep our home life happy.

I foresee if I mentioned this, my spouse will get huffy and mention how he DID do the dishes before I left for work this morning.   

Synopsis of situation: I am a widow of 7 years. Significant Other (SO) is a widower of 2.25 years with AD/HD which has never been dx'd or treated. (It slowly dawned on me that this was the case, and has become clearer over time and from discussions with the boys' teachers and caretakers, reading the boys' various medical, school, psychological records - his late wife was aware and it was apparently a much-discussed issue among them).

SO has twin autistic sons, 18 years of age, both of whom have AD/HD issues, and a daughter, now 21, who has AD/HD. We met in March of 2013 and became engaged in October of 2013. I moved in with him in February of 2014, but had been staying here much of the time after we became engaged.

SO does have a successful business. When his wife was alive, she took over all of the bookkeeping and bill-paying duties, enabling him to stay afloat and take care of the business. Since her death, things have deteriorated greatly in that arena. Bills don't get paid in a timely manner, his billing of customers doesn't get done, and the piles of papers are staggering. He spends a lot of time apologizing to his customers for being late, lying to creditors ("I never got the bill!"), etc. He did try hiring two people to help - his DD and a family friend - neither of whom have worked out.

Now, don't get me wrong - there ARE a lot of crisis situations around here surrounding the boys, who can be verbally and physically aggressive... so some of his inability to be on time, etc. is very justified. I've been punched, kicked, bitten, gone after with a knife a couple of times - but the boys had VERY little structure and consistency in their lives before I was here. They have greatly improved - and SO has gotten over a lot of his denial about their behaviors, finally agreed that one of them needs to be on some pretty potent medication, etc. They now have schedules, they are no longer allowed to watch violent/inappropriate media or play violent video games, their media time is now an earned privilege. They are doing MUCH better socially and behaviorally, and the home is much more peaceful.  SO was very resistant at first, saying he could not be as consistent as I was, even if he knew that it was the best thing for the boys - he came around eventually.

I've spent hundreds of hours filling out forms for them, taking them to appointments, meeting with people from the school, talking to their caretakers, therapists, doctors, etc., developing systems for them, taking care of them. I've gone to seminars, bought many books so I could learn more about autism and AD/HD and nonverbal learning disorders. I've paid to take classes.

Two weeks ago, SO dropped a bomb. We were planning to be married in September. He didn't want to marry me yet. His reasons were pretty vague - worries about finances, his life is just too chaotic and he has to find a group home for at least one of the boys, etc. Okay, so be it... but then he said I'd rushed him into this... at which point I took off the ring and gave it back.

A few days later, I'd been working on the boys' computer at SO's request, trying to figure out some Net Nanny issues. I discovered that he has been (at least since May) cruising a particular dating site. At first I thought it was one of the boys, or perhaps my son... but it took only one look at one of the profiles SO had been looking at to realize that it was him. I was FURIOUS. When I confronted him, he tried denying/lying, but finally admitted it. His crazy logic (?) was something about finances - but I think even he doesn't know why - I think it was an impulsive thing that turned into a compulsion.

Whatever. It got us in to see a therapist. She advised me/us not to make any rash decisions. I had been ready to just pretty much walk out, though I wanted very much to make sure SO was set up to get help and the boys would be prepared as well as I/we could get them prepared. That's the part that breaks my heart the most, I think - the boys.

The therapist fast-tracked SO into seeing an AD/HD therapist, whom he's made an appointment to see next week. He doesn't want me involved in the therapy.

I've been trying to UNDERSTAND all of this stuff he's saying. I've tried to ferret out his reasoning. He'll say something, I'll say, "So you're saying X", then he will say, "No, it's not like that" - again, maybe he doesn't even know why.

I've started writing things down that he says in these conversations - because I have some very serious decisions to make, a fixed income (sufficient to live on, certainly, but fixed)... and I do NOT like feeling like he has me over a barrel and I cannot leave.

Today he has said:

1. "It's too soon"

2. He doesn't want any more to "take care of"

3. Money worries; he wants to save for retirement

4. He "can't take more on"

5. "I need to have less responsibility in taking care of others"

6. "DD is launched, and the boys will be"

7. "I need to just take care of ME"

Last night, it was, "Who will take care of ME if something happens?"

To me, this all sounds like part midlife crisis, part AD/HD, part fears of the future.

I asked him, "If you were in my place, what would you think/do after hearing all of this?"

"Well, I'd have done some things differently. I'd offer to pay an electric bill. I'd buy a bag of groceries without being asked, so I didn't feel like a mooch."

I blew. I have offered REPEATEDLY to help with things and he has ALWAYS said no, he has no need of my money. I've done it anyway... bought a few groceries, bought him nice gifts, refused to let him help with paying for my gas as he offered, paid for entertainment and meals (nice places, expensive tickets etc.). He'd sometimes just transfer money into my checking account when I didn't even WANT him to.

He apologized but the damage is done. I think he really sees me as a "mooch" and I am NOT willing to stay here under those circumstances. Last week when he said he thinks I should pay for some of the expenses I immediately wrote him a check. I would never have had a problem doing so, but he refused to take anything - he'd say, "I have 30k in my checking account - I don't need your money!".

So "don't do anything rash" - well, I'm getting pretty worried that I am going to fall apart. I cannot stand the thought that he thinks I am taking advantage of him. I don't know it it is just stuff he's blurted out - I don't think so, because of all the other things he has been saying... I cannot STAND it. I was with my husband for 34 years and I was the major breadwinner. We had a good marriage, and were very much in love for the whole 34 years. We were still passionate and looking forward to retiring. It wasn't easy all of the time (he was bipolar) but I wouldn't trade a moment of it.

So yeah, I know what it's like to be a caretaker.

I can't figure out what SO is thinking or feeling exactly, because he will say something and then deny it, but to me it sounds like it's something that yeah, HE needs to get figured out ON HIS OWN - and until he does, he has no business being in a relationship.

HELP! Am I seeing this wrong?