Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • How do you handle the constant stream of ideas? by: redhead1017 10 years 3 months ago

    I don't know about your DHs, but mine comes up with the "next big thing" several times a week. Of course he doesn't follow through on one thing, ever. This week alone, he's had five big ones and he wants to talk about them for hours. Every one of them requires years of training or schooling,and all of them are completely unrealistic. 

    I actually just got done with yet another conversation, this one about becoming an insurance agent. He's been  unemployed for several years and I get that he wants to help support, but why not pick training based on your background (which is IT). 

    I love him and I want to be supportive, but how many times do I have to be a cheerleader when I know it doesn't go anywhere, ever? Not one of his ideas has he ever followed through on. 

    How do you handle the constant stream of ideas? 

     

     

     

  • but what about me? by: Grimley 10 years 3 months ago

    I have read Delivered from Distraction.  It is a great resource in understanding ADHD.  But, here's the thing.  I just read the chapter about "what kind of mate is best".  The problem is, I have been married for 11 years, and I am not the best mate.  I am having a horrible time accepting my constant give, and getting nothing in return.  I'm a go getter, I micromanage, I feel resentment even when I try not to.  I am embarassed when we go to a family get together and he expects to be served and sit on his butt, and do nothing, and escape when he needs to, and all the other things he "needs" to do.  But, I am not the kind of mate that is best.  I've tried to be, but I cannot handle taking care, nurturing, and being sympathetic all the time.  What do I get out of this marriage?  What are my options here?  When is enough is enough?  What do we do now?

  • Why Keep Trying by: cotu 10 years 3 months ago

    After yet another long winded discussion with my ADHD husband this morning in regards to the break down in communication which leads to divorce/separation talks I wonder what's the point? Why are all the non AD spouses working so hard to make sense of the commitment to stay, in what is mostly a dissatisfying, frustrating, hurtful relationships? I have been married 23 years to a man who has for the most part made my emotional life unhealthy. I feel at this point I have become physically ill because of the years of trying to constantly adjust who I am to better cater to his inability to function as an emotionally balanced adult. I have carried the lions share of responsibility of raising three children, running our three business ( making us fairly wealthy) and spending hours and hours of my time trying unsuccessfully to explain how the  counterproductive communication, no reflection on behavior and/or inappropriate responses are socially and irrationally  caustic. I get the same answers ,,,,your just an angry person and its you not me. Typical ADHD answer I know...but not good enough. I asked him why am I an angry person and if you truly love your wife as you say why would you not be concerned that she is angry often rather than cast it up belligerently like its coup de grace? What if instead, you had actual concern and love for your wife and sit her down to work out solutions that foster wellness and happiness in the unit. His answer?, I just don't think that way. Nice,,,very nice and where does that leave me . Again with the ball in my court, deal with it or leave. Well, I ask why stay? If your spouse will not use self reflection and at least 25% of the empathy of  understanding of which is asked of you, why even try? At his point I feel by staying I am assuming his victim role. I see no other choice as 25 years of struggling to make sense of what is not sensible ,,makes no sense. Shame on me for trying for so long. If your young with our life ahead of you head my words, think on it deeply, initial pain is difficult but years of chipping away at your soul is a life lost. 

  • Separating person from ADHD by: Hope to peace 10 years 3 months ago
    The challenge with separating the person from the ADHD symptoms is that the symptoms exaggerate everything. The hyper focusing make things larger then life, make the person larger then life, and make growing as a person extremely slow and laborious. My ADHD partner is born under the astrological sign of Cancer. Canceriams are known for loving the past, which includes their past. I know Cancerians who can balance that and still dwell and engage with their present and future. With my ADHD-partner the symptom of hyper-focusing makes her past the most important thing! If a friend from her past gets in contact with her she hyper-focuses on them. She hyper-focuses on rekindling that friendship and then on keeping it a live and she hyper-focuses on how they have known each other for x number of years. I can't begin to tell you how many times our 4 years together have been compared to their 20 (she even compared our short time together to her 7 years with her son the other day!). And it is odd how it happens....we are all close and connecting and she shares with me something about someone from her past and I can tell she starts to feel less comfortable with me and less engaged in our present or future and her mind drifts to that person and the years they have spent together and all the things that has happened and probably runs off to get in touch with them. The odd thing is....or a challenge is...that she won't reminisce about our past....all be it short in comparison to some people who she has known since childhood, but no less full of events, growth and need for closure on some issues and misperseptioms. It is the hyper-focusing on her past that makes this part of her character so troubling. And. Since she is obsessed and hyper-focusing she can't wait to take the time to involve me on this journey. She drives off to talk with past friends in private....and perhaps she feels uneasy that she is hyper-focusing/obsessing over this person and so hides it from me because some where she knows it is being taken to an unhealthy level that crosses relationship boundaries. As well, the intensity of the conversation probably crosses acceptable relationship boundaries and so she takes it away from me so as not to hurt me or have me get angry with her. Non-the-less, I can feel her obsession with that person and it is that obsession that hurts because she then is not obsessed with me and I am not receiving her attention yet am doing all the work and being at home, alone, taking care of our home and business...while she is off having that connection with someone else. I have been called jealous and insecure many a time over this hyper-focusing over someone else. She says "what do you think I am going to do, sleep with them? Leave you for them?" I have never been able to express to her that No, I don't think she will do those things......but that she does leave me when she is hyper-focusing on someone else....she does leave the relationship in an inappropriate and unhealthy way and although she does not have sex with them, she also does not have sex with me because of that darn adhd symptom of having a hard time with transitions. If she is hyper-focused on someone and is obsessed with them, when she will next get to talk with them, what they said, what she is Dying to say to them, ask them, know about them, etc...if she is having conversations with them in her head.....then she is NOT feeling that way about me and is not transitioning from that person, to me...to our life....to making love with me! So in a indirect way, she is cheating!! Emotional cheating!! And this can happen for people from her last to new people she meets......it is as if she always needs to have someone on the side!! Sepperating ADHD from the person! Ok, so my partner is a fun dynamic person whom everyone loves!! Hell I fell in love with her. I was charmed by her and felt like the most special person in the world in her presence! I felt desired, sexy, interesting, and fully loved and adored! I was the joyous recipient of her hyper-focusing! Now....I see others receiving that and blooming under her attention. Since we are lesbians and she is a very handsome women....(though I suppose it could be a problem for headero sexual couples as well) women just flock to her and giggle and swoon after her attention (both straight and gay women, as the straight women see her as a very sensitive and engaging man ..even though they know she is a women, their brains can't make sense of what they are seeing and hearing so they see an attractive man connecting with them in away women connect with each other and they think "he is speaking to my soul...right to my heart...we are kindred spirits!" And her is where an ADHD symptom causes a larger problem with this: she hyper-focuses on them and showers them with attention and carrys the memory of them with her all day and doesn't become present with me or is "bored" with me. And these women just LOVE her!! She shines and they giggle over everything she does......and I pale in comparrison to her! Don't get me wrong, I am NOT a wall flower! I too am dynamic and fun and out going.....but when I am engaging with someone she walks into the room and talks loud, out of turn, and all eyes turn to her and it becomes all about her, as well, she dousnt carry the stressful energy I (and most people do) so she comes across all fresh and enlightened and care free. People end up liking her more then me and prefer to be with her and bask in her attention and child like attitude. I end up looking and feeling like a wet blanket, a bore, uninteresting, etc. I can't even stand to be around it anymore! So I walk away and then she gets mad that I always walk away...ha ha...but I am not going to be one of her groupies or stand by and watch all her groupies swoon over her as she puts A show for them.....all the while me knowing that is not the partner I have behind closed doors!! And that later that evening, when it is time to go to bed.....that is not the sexual, flirtatious, dynamic, playful, and deep person I will get!! No....I will get distracted, silent, low energy, un sexual, un playful, un flirtatious, tv watching, xbox playing, silent, in word, slug. It has taken me all,these 4 years to not take it personally and not feel rejected or ugly, etc. and I do still need to work on it at times....but each day gets easier and easier. However these days I get jealous because she HAS so many flirting with her and I do not!! She spends her days surrounded by love, admiration, desire, curiosity, connection and being sought out! I spend my days being committed to this marriage to our home and business, trying to understand Adhd, worrying about money, her symptoms, and what my life will be like with her in it. I want someone to flirt with me!! I want to be found intriguing and to be sought after! I want to be hyper-focused over! I want to have feeling for someone and have to deny them because I am in a marriage!! I want to feel alive like that too!! It isn't fair that she gets her cake and eat it too!! Separate the person from the symptoms.....sometimes they are so connected that is hard to do. Because the symptoms make a do-able trait exaggerated and un-doable!!......even destructive!!
  • Chronically disappointed becoming a norm by: beingNT 10 years 3 months ago

    I'm in tears.  We've been together for five years.  We managed through the most difficult time of getting ADHD/Asperger's diagnosed, her denial, slow treatment.  I almost left, twice.  But it got better.  It is better.  But I've also allowed certain things to become my normal.  Like sometimes feeling a low lying sense of aloneness even though she's there.  I know she loves me to the ends of the Earth, but only because I've come to understand how she expresses it.  But how she expresses it doesn't make me feel loved or appreciated.  It's just me interpreting her actions (like doing the dishes - a monumental task) and remembering, that's how she tries to show she values our relationship.  

     

    I need more than that.  I was very hurt today by her neglectful behaviors over the week.  And I know that sometimes she's slow in coming around to acknowledge, apologize or remedy her actions (or lack of them), even after reminders.  And I know that her symptoms are not personal.  But it still hurts. It's disappointing when her symptoms act up... 

     

    At this point, I'm not even looking for a way to change it.  Just saying that it just hurts to have to keep dealing with it.

  • An ADHD conversation moment by: dedelight4 10 years 3 months ago
  • My Partner has withdrawn again by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 3 months ago

    Hi,

    Im a bit low today. My partner had made a remark yesterday. "you say you want honesty but when you get it you dont like what I say." It threw me. Normally I try to talk it through. My partner doesn't like that as he feels like he is being told he is wrong. It was hard to hear as It is not the case. I kept my cool and have just been very light today. He scrapped my car again and didn't say anything, I didn't comment either and just let it go. I hate this part of our cycle. If you have seen my other posts I am making a really effort not to be inflammatory back.  He wants me to be happy. I am partly but am trying a different approach to talking and a part of that is me not reacting. It is very hard when he is withdrawn.

    I will just play it cool

    Any suggestions on when we do start talking again?

  • Just had the worst night ever! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 3 months ago

    SD arrived here on Thursday night for a 2 week visit. She sees it as a chore to come up here so she is never happy. She is glued to her phone and doesn't let it out of her sight for anything. She goes to the bathroom with it, sleeps with it and never lets us see who or what she is texting. H picked her up at the train station on Thursday evening and from the moment she walked in the front door, she didn't take her eyes off that phone. I want to take it from her and smash it into little pieces as I am so tired of there being no interaction whatsoever. She couldn't even say 10 words to me when she got here. Boy this will be a fun 2 weeks.

    H took the day off yesterday to spend with her. SD was clearly not happy when I got home at 4:30 and they don't seem super happy with each other. She says he keeps hounding her to sit and watch a movie or play a video game or come outside with him and all she want to do is be left alone with her phone. She tells me she wants to go and do something fun this week as she is bored. I say "ok what do you want to do?" She gives me an exasperated "I don't know! I just want to get out of the house." Well other than me spending money on you at the mall, I don't think you enjoy doing anything else. Everything we do with her bores her to tears. We have a guest visit from about 5 til 6:30 and she is fine during that time yet doesn't really talk to the guy even though she was looking forward to him visiting and just sits on her damn phone rolling her eyes about how bored she is. After he leaves, we order pizza and then go to the grocery store before we pick up the pizza. She's copping attitude because she doesn't want to go to the store. She complains that we never do anything so here we are getting out of the house. She slams her bedroom door to go get changed and is still copping an attitude. She's pissy the entire time we are out and when we get back with the pizza she sits down and accidently knocks over H's beer. She just sits there. H makes some comment about how she can't clean up her own mess. She rolls her eyes. H is so sick of her on that phone that he tells her to put it away and eat dinner. She says no. He tells her again and she says no. He loses it and tells her to go to her room. Well the ****storm began. She started yelling at him about how he's not her father, he was never a father to her. He doesn't care about her and how she's always hated him, despised him, loathed him and starts throwing f bombs all over. He retaliates by doing the same thing. They are screaming at the top of their lungs and slamming doors and SD tries to throw a punch at H. He pushes her on the bed. I am so stressed out and go hide in the bathroom. The neighbor comes yelling if everything is ok and H tells him to go away. SD says she is going to call a cab and get a restraining order on H. 10 minutes later the cops knock on the door. I am still in the bathroom. They only stay a couple of minutes once they see SD isn't hurt and leave. The screaming and phone calls between her mother and them continue. Finally H tells me to just take her to Seattle where the mother's friend will pick her up and keep her until she can get back to her mom's the next day as she is not going to take a cab and she is threatening to go out the window and she does not want to be in the car with him. I take her down and she's crying and telling me how much she hates H and all he does is lie and I am just so stressed out about being in the middle of it that I just want to get her the hell out of the car and just remove myself from everything. Every time she visits it's stressful because I never know who's going to go off on the other one first, because there will be something, but it's never to this degree. H ended up punching a hole in the door and now we have neighbors who have heard yelling and slamming of doors and cops.

    The whole thing was so surreal as I have never been witness to such a thing other than watching "Cops". I have never seen a 16 y/o child say such horrible things to a parent and be so defiant. She had a taunting response to EVERYTHING he said just to get the last word in. I am so embarrassed about the screaming and the neighbors hearing it and the cops coming that I don't want to step foot outside the house.

  • Pondering by: frustratedinfla 10 years 3 months ago

    So I'm new to this forum and from the posts I've begun reading, we are ALL experiencing the same issues, anger, frustration, no sex, it's all our fault.... The list goes on.

    What I'm pondering is my DH wasn't like this PRIOR to taking the meds, so why do the meds bring out these behaviors? Why is he an asshole now when he never was to me before? Why am I not allowed to give my opinion or a suggestion without him taking it as unsolicited advice? Why do I have to ignore the hateful things that come out of his mouth now, and not take them personal?  Why do I have to change EVERYTHING I normally do because his brain works different in the meds. 

     

    What i am really pondering is whether everyone is experiencing these same issues with their ADHD spouse if our spouses are all taking amphatemines? Or do ALL ADHD meds make our spouses be zombies, showing no feeling or emotion? We have been traveling home, 10 hours in the car, he's only touched my arm once! I got one hug and kiss this morning, only cause it's my birthday and he brought me flowers and a Balloon. I miss the old him! 

  • I will NEVER live with a partner again! by: Crazycatlady79 10 years 3 months ago

    Ok here goes, I have ADHD, Aspergers, Depression and mild specific learning disabilities and for the past 3 years I've been in a relationship with another person with ADHD/AS and it's about to end...I'm initiating it.

    Our conditions manifest in us differently and our personalities are almost polar opposites, I'm introverted and he is extroverted and I just cannot cope with his loudness, irresponsible spending, poor hygiene, poor anger management issues, lack of respect for my body and physical space boundaries, immaturity or controlling ways anymore...in fact I have briefly entertained thoughts of suicide because it would be far better than what I'm expected to tolerate at this point.

    My family can no longer stand him either and they think he's dragging me down emotionally, mentally, financially and to a lesser extent physically and they're right, I now have a myriad of problems that never existed prior to meeting him and I'm taking the necessary steps to get rid of those problems and first step would be to move on from the person who has had a hand in creating them.

    I feel like a failure because I have had some bad relationships with NT's prior to this but this relationship is just as bad if not worse and this person isn't an NT so it has to be my fault somewhere...big time, some people say it's because I pick the wrong people but I don't always see that until it's too late..

    I get to move out with my cat soon, that makes me happier...I guess it'll be onwards and upwards but I know one thing for sure it's highly unlikely that I will EVER live with anyone again

    S

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