Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • THE LIES, THE LIES, THE LIES! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 3 months ago

    I am at the end of my rope! I'd say just about 90% of the stuff that comes out of H's mouth anymore is a story to make him look better! I look at his phone when he's not around and I see the continuous texts to his manager as to why he can't come in. Day after day there's something that JUST happened as to why he can't go in. My car broke down and he has to take me in but in the process of doing that his car broke down and he is stranded at the side of the road waiting on a tow truck. He has a doctor's appt at 7AM (even though they don't open until 8AM!) and can't make it in because right after that appt the doctor scheduled him for physical therapy. He went to the wrong building for his appt by mistake and now they put him on the waiting list to see someone so it may be a couple of hours before he can get in. He had to take his daughter back to her mom's because she was pitching a fit about being here and no trains were available so he had to make the 10 hour long trip. Nobody has these occurances day after day! Anybody can see how absolutely absurd they are!

    Then about 2 weeks ago he was all excited because he found out he is only 2 classes away from being able to move into another job there. One is just an online class he can finish in a couple of days and the other is an open book test he can take. He told me then that he could have these done by the end of the week. Well he sat and did the booklet for 2 days and then he did nothing with it. I told him to finish it and then he proceeds to tell me that he can't even move to another position until his CAM (Corrective Action Measure) clears up and that won't be until next June! I asked him when he got this CAM and he just blew it off as there was some mix up in the paperwork and he couldn't show that he was out for whatever on whatever day. Well it finally caught up with you huh?! If you get more than 2 CAM's in one year then you get fired. Even with the possibility of getting another CAM with all his BS, he STILL continues not to work! He was out all last week because he apparently can't work when he needs to work on the firepit. He tells me on Thursday that he HAS to go in Friday because there's no way out of it. He's out of days off. I told him "Yeah sure there isn't. How many times have you told me that you HAD to go in because there's NO way to get around it, yet you still don't go in?"  Oh sure he gets up and leaves the house at 4AM and me thinking he is being honest with me doesn't check the phone records to see if he called the attendance line. But while I'm at work at 9AM I go and check them. Yep. 4:30 he called the line and he was pulling his "I'm just going to go sit and have breakfast somewhere for a couple of hours until she leaves for work and then come home and act like I was at work all day". That is the ultimate in deceptiveness and worse than not going in at all! Oh how I would love to go and move the car to another street and then sit at home waiting for him to show up one morning after he thought I was gone! Just to see his face when he walks in the front door only to see me sitting on the couch waiting on him! I'm sure he'd talk his way out of it (Oh I forgot to grab some paperwork I left here and came home to get it, but I can't find it so now I need to go to the doctor later this morning so I'll just take the day off) and then he'll accuse me of not trusting him and the whole thing will turn around on me! Of course though, I can't waste a workday sitting at home waiting to see if he'll be coming home because I have a JOB I have to go to!!! He even got a note to be put on light duty doing something in another area away form his hated manager and he STILL isn't going in!

    I got home at 4:30 on Friday, supposedly 2 1/2 hours after he got home from "work", and I can just tell by the state of the house that he was home all day. The bed, although it is made, is not as I left it that morning so I know he took a nap. There's a dish he had put in the oven to cook something that is in the sink, the firepit has been worked on and he is in the middle of playing video games and it's obvious that he had been drinking for a while. No way in 2 1/2 hours would he have done all of this! If anything he may have napped and been playing video games but that's it! I don't say anything (I never do because I just know he's going to lie his way out of it) and he proceeds to tell me (without any prompting) that his partner came up to see him in his new area today. I don't say anything and change the subject.

    Last night he was already turning things around on me without any prompting saying how he worked hard outside all last week so it's not like he's sitting around not doing anything. I said that I know and I appreciate that you are finally getting to this firepit but you can't NOT go to work in the process. He says he's sorry and that bringing home $1200 a paycheck is better than the previous $400 he was bringing home before his raise but he can still go and bring home $1200 a paycheck somewhere else. Really? And where do you plan on getting another job that is paying you as much as this one is? You don't have a college degree and you don't have the energy to even update your resume much less look for another job! So is your plan to try and get another CAM where you are at and then get another one and hope you get fired so you don't have to go to work anymore? He would love to just go work on bikes at a bike shop. Let's see and that would pay you what, maybe $15/hr? You are making $36/hr now and you STILL can't pay your share of the bills! I'm all for him being at a job he would actually go to, but right now I need him to make as much as possible and pay his share of bills. I see him throwing money at his motorcycle and alcohol right after he gets paid and then when I ask him for some money towards bills I get "Oh I'm pretty tapped this paycheck but I'll pay you next paycheck" which of course never happens because his next paycheck he only brings home $400. How can he continually let me pay for everything while he spends the little money he has on his toys? I tell him that I'm really tired of having to take money out of my savings to pay for his share of bills and of course he tells me he is sorry and that he PROMISES to go to work from now on and he does for about 2 weeks and then falls back into his pattern.

  • Could it be Real? by: Standing 10 years 3 months ago

    What's up with sudden shifts in reality for ADD?

    After about 7 years of battling against what looked like irresponsible, childish behavior, my husband was willing to consider ADD as a possible explanation. At the time, we went together to the general internist and he was given a script for Adderall. At first, it did seem to help. Three years later, that "treatment" is falling horribly short of addressing the issues.

    For the past year, all of us around him have been crashing and drowning in the flood surrounding this Wave he's been riding... the business he started while in the throes of what I suspect was adderall (or some unknown factor) induced mania.

    Now - he has had a couple other individuals besides just me telling him that he has gone too far, that he is out of control, that the whirlwind he creates while "medicated' is far from focused or productive. One of the people who is confronting him about this is a man he seems to respect. My husband does not rage against this man, who has filled the role of Operations Manager in his business, but we have seen him try to sneak around the controls which the guy has tried to put into place. It's like he fills a Father role for my husband, although he's only a few years older. It's like there's now a "Dad" alongside my role (in husband's eyes) of "Mom", I am only guessing about all this, but that's how it appears to me.

    So now, Mr Operations Manager has expressed all of the same frustrations with husband that I have, including the feeling of having been belittled by him. The cycle has been what you might expect - my husband will claim innocence of motives, beg, lie, spiel off loads of his rationalizations.... anything to deflect the Mr. O.M.'s criticisms. O.M. is a kind, caring, Christian man. He's known my husband for some time, but never worked closely with him. Also, he remains enough in his own head, that he never saw this side of it all. Now he sees it all and there's a very real possibility that he may walk away. This would destroy the business and we all recognize that. NOW husband is taking note that his issues are not light or momentary. Last night, he actually appeared to be humbled. So I told him that our counselor has described him as delusional. narcissistic, and now he has agreed that there is more to the problem than his previous admission that he is "a bit disorganized". He has agreed to get a full psych evaluation next week. I will believe that when I see it.

    Last night I heard alot of "I don't mean to...",  "It was not my intention...", and the like. It's as though he is totally out of touch with the side of him that is so manipulative, a con artist. And I wonder whether I am being conned now.

    What do you all think about such a sudden transformation and willingness to admit that there is much more going on here... possibly much more than add? Could it be a genuine realization and conviction?

    Even if he fully intended last night to act on his promises, I have seen how everything can change in the blink of an eye, as his hyperfocus leads him down another trail.  Thank you.

  • Trying to be normal by: dedelight4 10 years 3 months ago

    . " I just do my best to pretend to be normal and the adderall helps me fake it better."  a quote taken from ellameno. (HI, ellameno)

          I wanted to ask a question about this to all who have ADHD, if you feel comfortable enough to answer it. I know my ADHD husband has worked so hard at "trying to be normal" or at least trying to be like "everybody else". I think he KNOWS he's not like other people, and that's why he continually puts up a "front" or "a false self of who he would LIKE to be, or who he "thinks" he is. But, everyone can SEE that he's not the person he portrays himself to be.

    I would LOVE it, if one day he would let his guard down enough to talk to me as the REAL person he is, not "this other person". The "other person" is a genius, with a genius IQ, and has a type A personality, and isn't a MORON like the rest or the people he knows. He's almost omnipotent and elevates himself to a higher level than the rest of us. (I think he has more than ADHD going  on)

    Anyway, here's the QUESTION: Do most of you who have ADHD, try to "act" normal.....and/or try to "hide" the fact that you have ADHD? How does it bother you, and/or what do you see as the "good" things about it.

    Thanks ahead of time.

  • Surprises and behaving like a 10 year old by: copingSAH 10 years 3 months ago

    Everytime my ADD spouse brings something into the house to show me, he has it behind his back. It could one item in one hand, another item in the other hand. This whole "reveal" could take several minutes.  This is a crazy way of sharing things... to manipulate the whole timing and how it's presented and making me wait until I'm feeling a bit put off by his behavior, including my loss of interest over the *surprise* item.

    Today, he brought in old items from our old shed to show me. Instead of just bringing it in, he had both behind his back as if it was a surprise like chocolates and flowers and it was so drawn out. 

    There was a very musty old cigarette box in one hand. The other hand held behind his back was 2 rusty hairclippers.

    I feel like his behavior mimics a ten year old's -- "close your eyes and I'll make you kiss this frog" .... "guess.... bet you can't guess. you have twenty guesses."

    The most frustrating thing is, my spouse is nearly 60 YEARS OLD.   When I tell him I prefer just seeing things like that when he walks in the house, he gets mad at me. It's as if I've ruined his perpetual childhood.

    Does anyone's AD/HD spouse act like this or something similar??? 

     

  • New to concept of adult ADHD by: Mrs. C 10 years 3 months ago

    I'm new to this, so please be patient with me.  My husband appears to have ADHD along with a germ phobia.  It has gotten to the point that I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay in this marriage.  He knows he has a problem, but when I mention getting help, he says I think he's crazy.  We've been married for almost 25 years and its getting progressively worse.  Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!  He has not been officially diagnosed with ADHD, but he definitely has many of the characteristics.

    1) He interrupts your conversation

    2) He repeats what he says until he feels he has gotten his point across

    3) He paces the floor when talking or on the phone

    4) He looks at everything but you while your talking, then didn't hear what you said

    5) He has difficulty reading

    6) His mind goes in a hundred different directions at once

    7) When I try to help him through a situation, he misreads my intent and says that I nag him

    8) He is a public speaker and it has gotten so bad that he walked in front of the platform while a group was performing and it wasn't his time to speak ( I was mortified! I didn't know what to do)

    He feels noone understands him and when he comes home from work he stays in his man cave until time to go to sleep.  Please point us in the right direction.  We don't know where to begin.

     

    Thanks so much!

  • Issues with sex and my add wife by: codrdave 10 years 3 months ago

    Firstly, my wife can forget sex for weeks and weeks. That alone is enough to make me just not like sex with her, but I get it and am trying to live with being invisible to her.

    but, she can't seem to adjust, change or negotiate a better sex life. If we are having sex, she will do things that don't work for me. No problem, I think, just let her know and all will be well. Not so. Firstly, she freaks out if you ever try to negotiate adjustments in any situation. I'm borderline diabetic and as long as I am strict about what and when I eat I am good. Ask her to pause for a bite when she doesn't want to and you are likely to get shredded with every put down she can think of. 'maybe if you weren't so fat we wouldn't have to stop all the time.' I'm no more overweight than she is. This happens in the bedroom too. If the speed or pressure isn't working, god forbid I say anything. When I actually do get her to listen, it won't stay in her memory for more than a day. 

     

    So how do I ever like sex if she is completely incapable of adjusting and ignores me? I've been with other women so I know that it's normal to say I like this and not that... But it seems my wife literally can't adjust. She becomes very irate and demeaning if I even try.

     

    is it possible that her add exhibits in a way that pretty much erases her memory? How do I have sex now? It's gotten so bad that the thought of having sex with her turns me off 100 percent. I don't have ED... Just not sexually attracted to her selfishness anymore.

     

    info and advice appreciated.

  • Transferred Symptoms by: loco 10 years 3 months ago

       After 28 years of marriage my wife was diagnosed with ADHD last year. She found your book and started to read it (lol). A little while later she insisted that I take an online test because she said I was exhibiting signs of ADHD myself. Upon completion, with the answers I gave, it more or less said I was boarder line. After years of not knowing,and reading your book,thru ups and downs,(almost a divorce,and I know by all means I have not always been prince charming) I was glad to find out that I was not the only one Angry and Frustrated with what seems to be her non caring disposition. The book has open my eyes to a great extent. And this may seem shallow or insecure,but is it possible that some traits (habits,etc...) can be transferred from the ADHD to the non-ADHD spouse? Is it possible that I am  boarder line ADHD? 

  • Played hooky by: Lmanagesall 10 years 3 months ago

    I am in the midst of playing hooky. I called in sick to work for 2 days, I told my SOON TO BE EX  that I had to travel for work, I got coverage for my kids and I'm spending the 2nd of 2 glorious days alone. No one is telling me I left this out, forgot to do this, neglected that... I needed to remove myself from my undiagnosed possible-add hubby. I am the daily subject of his negativity- but I'm the one with a job, pension, savings and career. This divorce is taking way too long and is affecting my health- Crohn's disease, shingles, anxiety. These 2 days have been bliss. I have  4 hours left... I might take a nap. :) 

  • 4th day of H working on the firepit, but of course that means not going to work! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 3 months ago

    Yup here we go again! H didn't go into work last Friday because he had a 10AM doctor's appt and a 20 minute appt means he can't go into work AT ALL! The only reason he scheduled an appt was so he could get a note from the doctor extending his light duty at work due to his knee hurting. He's got this whole plan that gets him on light duty away from the manager he hates and then while he's on light duty he's going to take these online classes which will allow him to move into another position away from his hated manager. Well the online classes happened for 2 days and he hasn't done anything with that in a week so I'm sure he won't finish that and he'll have to get light duty extending yet again so he can do them. Anyways, I get home on Friday (which I took as a 1/2 day so I could come home and mow the yard but that didn't happen since he was home all day!) and he tells me he forgot to get the doctor's note, which is the whole reason he went and rather than make another trip that day he'd just go in on Monday and get it. Well of course I knew that meant he wouldn't be going into work Monday because he can't go into work if he needs to get a doctor's note because THAT takes all day!

    Fire pit gets started on Sunday and of course he worked on it on Monday rather than go to work. Sets his alarm both Monday night and last night and of course gets up before work and calls in saying he will be out and spent the last 2 days working on the fire pit. Hey great that he's finally working on it, but it was not supposed to take the place of work! This was something that was supposed to be worked on AFTER work! I've looked at his texts to his manager too and it's just one lie after another as to how he'll be in and then he can't come in because he has to go to physical therapy or the car broke down or he has to take me into work! HOW can he go back to work and look people in the eye after excuse after excuse as to why he can't be there?!  And I JUST checked Facebook and back on July 9 he posted to one guy saying "Let me know the next time you go to Monroe for dirt bike racing and let me use one of your bikes" and this morning the guy wrote "Going out there today. Going to be some serious turnout and guys worth watching. You gonna come?" He replies ""Aw man, blew out my back last weekend and can't ride". Really? News to me! Blew out your back but you are shoveling sand and gravel and then hauling it back and dumping it and raking it and making a fire pit area?? Do you not think this guy has seen the pictures you've been posting showing how it's coming along? Why can't he just say "No I can't come" or "No I don't want to come"? Why does EVERY DAMN THING have to be a lie to make himself look good? If he's lying to everyone else you can be damn sure he's lying about a lot of things to me as well!

    I don't even question him any more. I used to get so upset that he wouldn't go in for days and now I say nothing and just seethe inside. It doesn't matter what I say to him or throw an all out tantrum about him never going to work. He'll just think it's funny I'm getting so worked up about it.I don't get sarcastic about it any more and just assume that the norm has become he'll be home probably 3 days a week and MAYBE work 2 days if it strikes his fancy, but even on the days he does go in he'll sometimes come home a few hours early (due to another fake excuse to his manager). When he tells me how to do something "right" I don't get upset anymore and just push my anger deep down and smile and go "Thank you dear, you are so right. I don't know why I ever cut those carrots the other way before, or folded clothes that way, or shoveled snow that way, or stirred the soup that way, or vacuumed that way, etc". I'm just so tired of fighting and knowing he won't change and he'll most likely turn it around on me about how I should be sympathetic to him and how he's just trying to "help me do the job better". Funny how before I met him I had loads of self esteem and never worried about doing anything. Now I feel I am totally incapable of cutting carrots or making a tuna melt if he's in the room! And if I dare mention anything to him about staying home to finish the fire pit rather than going to work oh you can be sure I'll get an earful of how he needs to have all day to work on it and how we are renting this tool and we'd need it a lot longer if he didn't work on it all day so he is saving us money by doing that and how I should be thankful it's finally getting done rather than complaining about him not working. Yup..that is the reason I never argue about anything with him anymore because I can already see how it will be turned on me before I even begin!

  • Diagnosis, sweet, sweet diagnosis by: Zanzibar1638 10 years 3 months ago

    My wife and I were plagued with the issues I guess, are typical to the ADHD partners. Both she and I though it was madness developing in the tightest coils in my mind. The poised intent of my undiagnosed, and ultimately insufficiently managed ADHD conspired to make our home terrifying and unpleasant. For months after our marriage I did not want to go home and she didn't particularly want to receive me. It wasn;t a lack of love, that poured over the windowsills, it was the pall of a pattern that hung over every task in the household. This undefined mist that seemed to permeate everything and convert all joys to absolute anger or disappointment. It was as oppressive as river bottom air and the creature had no name. Now we have found a name, and our working with it to yoke it and coerce it with the appropriate commands. It was my ADHD and her confusion.

    My wife, in all her frustration and confusion tethered herself to one truth "He is a good man, with a good heart, he must not be doing this to hurt me intentionally." That was and is always true.

    The terror of not knowing was the anger, the constant unfiltered anger that went with us into the kitchen and into the car. Every morning and each forgetful night. My anger, namely. My anger which barked contempt at the suggestions of inadequacy from her. I was perpetually angry because before we knew her statements were the same language as what I have heard since I was small "Why can't you do this?" "Why don't you try harder?" etc... What I call the language of othering. The sort of questions that makes a person feel alien, detached, and made a pariah in their own mind. You begin to have no society, no world, because each one you engage asks you the same things until you aggressively reject them and what they do. I realized my mind, with its natural distancing from appropriate contextual association in the sub-conscious, attached my wife's questions with the same motives as all those teachers and others that hurt me for so many years, and I thought she was just doing more of the same. I felt completely rejected and that she didn't know me at all, any better than anyone else. So I snapped at her with the same anger, anger designed over many years to jealously protect my own sense of value. You have a natural sense that you are ok, that you aren't broken, that God did not make a mistake, but you are constantly treated like an anomaly, and young humans are often unkind to anomalies.

    I thought she was just another one of them. But she isn't, she never was. With the diagnosis she valiantly came forward and gleefully said 'Now I know what was going on, it is completely workable" And then so did I. First of all, and I digress, this made me realize more fruitfully again how similar we are, that there is nothing more comforting than truth and real information in our world. We thrive on it. But back to the point. It allowed me to accept fully who I am and that all that pain was the result of misunderstanding, it allowed me to forgive people she could have never known and namely myself as a confused and wandering child for being who I am. It is neurological and thus intentional. I was made this way and that is okay with me. I wasn't less. This started to release my anger towards those children that I never knew I had until now, but I am my happy self again, and she is smiling.

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