Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Everyone sees it but him. by: smgladucote 10 years 5 months ago

    This is the first time I have ever posted to a forum.  But after 13 years of marriage, three children, two of which have been diagnosed with ADHD, I am at a loss.  My husband was so loving when we dated.  He seemed to think only of me and of our future together.  But after we got married, we had problems.  Normal things that every couple deals with.  He was used to having a perfectly clean house, dinner on the table every night, etc.  But I came from the opposite kind of home.  I was constantly picking up after him (I thought this was normal although frustrating) and making excuses for him when he would forget an appointment, or was constantly late.    I started setting our clock back 30 minutes so he would be on time!  Many people comment on how high strung or energetic he is.  Fortunately he is in a line of work that he loves and thus can concentrate on for more than five minutes.  Thus, at least for the first few years of marriage, he had a steady job.  As time went on, we had our son who was a very hyper/impulsive child and was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 4.  He didn't believe that the diagnosis was correct until I started taking him to our sons doctor.  Who, after having been interupted 20 times and watching my husband squirm in his seat, exclaimed, "You know, ADHD runs in the family.  Have you ever been diagnosed?"  My husband was appalled!  He thought at first he was joking.  I told him it was quite possible.  He told me no way!  So we moved on and eventually he accepted the diagnosis.  However, my husband still has an incredibly hard time understanding that the things our son does are not on "purpose" or out of laziness.  And whenever I have tried to explain the argument comes back around to the way he behaves and how similar they are.  He gets angry that I am comparing the two and insists that he has NO idea what I am talking about. 

    I have read so many posts from wives that are struggling to cope with life with an ADHD husband.  I myself can live with the messiness, the always being late, the 300 projects sitting around the house and in my yard that are half finished, even the hyperactivity and impulsivness.  But what I have a really hard time coping with is when it seems like he doesn't care about how I feel or think.  Even our children suffer because it seems to be his way or the highway.  I know from learning how my son behaves and why, that it is something that he cannot help.  But, I have Lupus, and three children, two with special needs.  I am in real need of a husband that help me and be reliable.  I totally relate to the women who say they feel like they have another child.  I am always exhausted and not always able to think clearly when he starts blaming me for things not being done the way he "needs" them to be.  Or for the mess not being cleaned up that HE made.  I love my husband dearly and would NEVER leave him!  But it is SO exhausting to never feel understood or even heard.  To have arguments that make NO sense.  I cry and he has no idea what is going on.  He just ignores it because I think it is easier than trying to understand why.  I have tried broaching the subject of adult ADHD with him and he just gets mad.  I don't know what to do, short of lying to get him to the doctor.  And even then, he probably wouldn't believe the doctor.  I am open to any suggestions from women who have dealt sucessfully with husbands who have ADHD, whether they are undergoing treatment or not.  Things have just got to get better or I am in fear of having a nervous breakdown!

  • Need to stop feeling so numb by: rosebud1492 10 years 5 months ago

    My husband was diagnosed with severe ADD by 2 Psychiatrists and 1 Clinical Psychologist. He refuses to take medication or go to therapy and said that his personality is such that if a therapist tells him to do something, he will do the opposite. We have two children in elementary school. I am so numb that I can't even cry any more. Crying used to help relieve some of the tension. I struggle with this daily. He is becoming more and more mean. He is using off limits accusations and words in front of our children if I even bring up the subject that he needs help. The children know he has add and refuses to get help. I know I should start over, but I'm so tired and run down after being with him for 17 years. As ridiculous as this sounds, I know what I get with him. He zones out completely during conversations with me, our children and other people. He was on Vivanse for awile and it helped a little, but then when he started therapy 4 years ago, he accused me of digging him into a hole. The therapist corrected him and said that he was digging his own hole and that only he could dig himself out and being verbally abusive and taking away my dignity on purpose wasn't going to help him. He decided he didn't need therapy or his medication any more and it's been even more hellish.  His compulsiveness is unbelievable. I simply don't know where to turn. We don't speak for weeks sometimes. I have so much anger and resentment that I don't want to put any more effort, energy or love towards this man who I deeply and truly despise. He makes my skin crawl and my stomach nauseous. My family doesn't want to hear about it. My friends think I should leave him. I've been a stay at home mom and I feel so stuck. Like no one understands what it's like or the extreme loneliness,  when I have so many ideas, fun and love to give. I give it to my children and are sacrificing for them. I do that happily, but our fights are so intense that the kids do end up hearing them and are devastated. I know what I need to do, but I'm scared.

  • Long-Distance Relationship with ADHD Partner by: Sabbate36 10 years 5 months ago

    My husband (who has ADHD) and I have been married for three years and lived together for 8 and a half. He began a medication regiment last fall after being diagnosed by a specialist a friend of mine referred me to. He did not fight me at all about it and has been very diligent about his medication schedule. He has never had a problem keeping a job, but he's felt that his quality of work has gone u substantially since being on the meds.

    In February of this year, I left our home for the past 5 years in Cincinnati, OH to accept a job in the Raleigh, NC area. This is approximately a 10 hour drive away. As a result, we have only seen each other once per month since then. Although, I was the once who applied for the job, I told him I wouldn't go on the interview if he didn't want me to and later that I would turn down the job if he didn't want me to. I was on unemployment at this juncture, but knew that distance was an acceptable reason to turn down a job if I continued on unemployment, which I expressed to him. He said that it was too good an opportunity to pass up, but that I should be prepared for some really severe depression from him. I agreed and said we'd work it out together.

    I spent the first few weeks in February looking for an apartment and settling in. My new job pushed back my start date a week to correspond with their training schedule, so I decided to go back to Cincinnati for a week to spend time with my husband and to visit with friends we had there (we had no family because we're both originally from NY). From the moment I arrived there, he was very rude to me. He said he was stressed out because I had called him several times on the road after getting lost (we are like the only two people on the planet who still don't have GPS or a Smart Phone). My feeling was this was just an excuse though and he basically went off on me about me "forcing him to move" and we even discussed getting a divorce. I decided to just let it ride and let him think about everything. We actually had a lovely few days towards the end of the trip and when I talked to him about it a month later he said, of course he didn't want a divorce. He told me as a hard as it was losing his friends, it would be way harder losing me.

    The agreement had always been that he would move here. We have had some disagreements about when that would be. I had hoped it would be when our lease was up on our apartment in Cincinnati, which was in April, but he wanted to wait until I got switched to permanent (the job I accepted was temp-to-hire), which would be no sooner than the end of August. His reason for this was the insurance, but my feeling was that with the amount we'd save on rent, we could pay for our own insurance until I went permanent. His insurance in Cincinnati is not that spectacular anyway. We were paying a few hundred out of pocket for his medical expenses every month. 

    The current plan is that he will move out here the beginning of August, whether or not he has a job. The reason for that being that when our lease was up on our last apartment, he subleased a new apartment, which ends at the end of July. I am hoping that the timeframe will motivate him to get serious on looking for a job.

    In Feb/March he told me he couldn't look because he was working on a project for a friend of ours he agreed to before we moved, in April he said he couldn't because he was packing for his move (he's moved most of our stuff down to NC), in May he was working on the resume (just finished about 2 weeks ago), and now he can't find anything other than what we applied to together when he was here last week on our anniversary. It just feels like there is no end to the excuses. Now he's talking about going back to school, which is fine, but I want him to find a job first. It seems like the only time he thinks about school is when he's out of work. It is frustrating because it feels like he doesn't feel the gravity of the importance for him to move here and for us to move on to the next stage of our lives.

    Anyone have any experience in a similar situation? ADHDers, any tips that have helped you to get motivated to do something you really don't want to do? Non-ADHD spouses, how have you found you could best help your ADHD spouse?

  • Hurting: non-ADHD wife would rather be alone than with me by: Searching 10 years 5 months ago

    I'm 44, been on Methylphenidate and Buproprion for the past couple years, and have tried to make improvements, with varying degrees of success.  But, I still misremember things my wife says, or I even continue to forget conversations.  I made an impulsive decision last year to quit a job where I was miserable without having my new career ready to go.  Not long after that, my wife had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized briefly.  My leaving my old job was a major factor in her breakdown.  My wife comes from a troubled family background with a mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder and who had attempted suicide twice.  My wife, at the age of 18, found her mother after the second attempt.  For our entire marriage, my wife has suffered with social anxiety and depression.  She has been in counseling for a couple years now, dealing with unresolved past issues and also trying to find ways to cope with my "disorder".

    Yesterday we had a highly charged conversation where she asked me why, if I truly believe that "a man should support his family", it took me almost a year to get started in my new career.  I didn't have an answer--I thought long and hard about it, but I had no real answer!  Today we continued the discussion, and she was able to come up with what I realized was the reason:  there was so much stuff going on, I had just come away from 7 years in a miserable job, and I just needed a break.  Enter procrastination and poor time management/perception, and almost a year later I'm finally starting my new career.

    This incident was the last straw for my wife.  She is fed up with my inability to understand her, my forgetfulness, and having to help me dig deeper into my thought processes.  Because of our sleep schedules (I go to bed at 9pm and get up at 5am, she stays up late and gets up late), we have been mostly sleeping in separate bedrooms for the past couple years.  Today, she gave me an ultimatum: CHANGE OR LEAVE.  She said that she would rather be alone with the cats than have me around anymore.  

    I just finished a quick read-through of Melissa Orlov's new book and recognized that a lot of the "hot points" totally applied to our marriage.  I just fear that it may be too late.  My wife is tired of having to work to understand me or to make any allowances for my ADHD.  In the past year, our arguments have ended with her in a RAGE.  I've never raised a hand to my wife nor threatened to.  She is fed up with my not being attentive enough as a husband and with my not noticing and acknowledging the improvements she has tried to make in herself.  I do notice and praise her, but admittedly not enough.  When I try to work things through with her during one of our arguments, I am now met with sarcasm and contempt.

    I would love to change and be more consistent, and with the medication I HAVE improved.  But it's just not enough for her.  One thing that really ticks her off is that I have greatly improved in my focus and organization at work and at church where I do some volunteer work.  And yet, in our relationship, any improvement I may have made in attentiveness, time management, and communication is minimal, from her perspective.  She believes that I don't truly love her or find her important.  It isn't true, but after reading through Melissa Orlov's new book, I can see why she would feel that way.

    I don't want our marriage to end, and I'm definitely willing to keep working at it, but how do I keep that focus after the crisis period is over?  One other thing she told me is that, with the help of her therapist, she has become a stronger person and will never let anyone ever "walk all over" her again.  She applied that statement to both her mother and to me, which confuses me a bit because I've always encouraged my wife to get out and meet people and make friends outside our household and I usually don't force issues unless I feel it is necessary.  I've never tried to control her.

    I wonder if our marriage is a "perfect storm" of two people with the types of emotional/neurological challenges that collide with each other in a way that prevents a long-term solution?  I think Dr Hallowell mentioned something about ADHD'ers marrying certain types of people who are more able to handle the challenges of being married to an ADHD spouse.  I wonder if my wife and I each just married the wrong type of person. The more I think about it, the more it seems like I'm being blamed for our marital problems, and my wife is just trying to cope with a difficult spouse.  One good thing is that we don't have children who have to watch their family fall apart. The way she phrases things makes me feel blamed.  She'll say things like: "I'm working with my counselor trying to figure out productive ways to respond to you/things you do (etc.)".

    I just don't know what I can do now that will do any good.

    I'm open to suggestions.

     

     

  • Husband/Dad with ADD looking for help to save our marriage by: ColoradoDad 10 years 5 months ago

    Hi everyone,
    I am a 44yr old husband and father of a 3-1/2 yr old little angel. 8 days ago my wife announced that she was done.

    Several times over the last several years my wife has asked me to read The ADHD Effect on Marriage, and each time she asked me to read it, I did not read it.
    Each time she asked, she then left the book somewhere for me after trying to explain to me why she was unhappy in our marriage, and that it really mattered to her that I read the book. I didn't read it. I couldn't read it. I love my wife dearly and I didn't read it. I want my wife to be happy and I couldn't read it. I haven't read a book- any book- in forever, and she sometimes even makes fun of me because for years now I always bring the same book on trips (if I even bother anymore). I continue to reread the beginning of that book every time I pick it up. I didn't know anything about ADD before this week, but I am learning just as the insidious effects on marriage and the burdens on non-ADHD spouses, the book/reading obstacle is not just common but predictable. I always thought any talk about (or books about) ADD was so much psycho-babble mumbo-jumbo, and that I was "just fine" (see page 4 of the book). I should also say that I was regularly self medicating with morning caffeine and evening alcohol. I rarely drank two drinks back to back, rarely got buzzed at all, and rarely had fewer than two drinks in a given day. I considered myself a high functioning low level alcoholic, but honestly didn't perceive it as any sort of problem in need of attention.

    We have been married nearly 8 yrs and together for 10. Our relationship took a pattern that appears pretty common with a fast attraction, spent a lot of time together right away, were married after 1-1/2 yrs, and had no knowledge of ADD early on in our lives together. During the 1st yr of our marriage, both of my parents passed away, as well as one of my wife's closest friends, so we had a difficult couple of years for sure, but we made it through. I have always believed that whatever dysfunction we shared as a couple was (understandably) born mostly from those times, and we just needed to try harder as partners and be patient- time heals all wounds, right? While I do not display every symptom I have read/heard about in the last week, our marriage has been plagued by some emotional distance between us, and neither of us understanding why I seem to be most comfortable in the evenings with the tv on in the background while I surf the internet on a laptop (it's called "passive attention", apparently it soothes the hyper-active nervous system, and I have the tv on now while I type this at 5AM, having had very little sleep this night). I also have been pretty much absent from housework, bills and organization, I am usually 5-10 min late, and I often seem to have multiple incomplete projects going at any time. While I make new friends easily I sometimes struggle to develop close friends (though I do have several), and I am perceived by many as socially overbearing. My wife experiences me as often critical and/or controlling with her, but my wife would agree that I have a big and generous heart and I am a wonderful, patient, and committed father.

    We had spoken of working on our marriage a month or so before her announcement and we agreed to work on it for a year and then make some decisions if we could not make progress, and we had not spoken about it again before her declaration that she was "done". We had moved from CA to CO just over a year ago, and I have just recently taken a new job that I am good at and excited about, after spending most of our time in CO being both happy to be here but uncertain what I wanted to pursue (steady employment has not historically been a problem for me).

    So last Friday she said she was done with our marriage and she explained herself to me on a walk. She confessed that she simply no longer finds me attractive, has perhaps been deceiving herself about that for some time, and even said that many of the qualities she was once attracted to about me are now obstacles for her. I heard her out and really tried to listen, and then I thought about it for a day, seeking out friends to talk to, etc., and decided that (at least for me) I feel like what we still share at our worst is greater than everything that separates us, and that my (vast) love for her and our love for our child are perhaps enough to build around, and to perhaps inspire her love for me to be rekindled. I immediately gave up both alcohol and caffeine (just 8 days now but without a problem and feeling great), and sought out a therapist friend, got a referral, and was in his office starting to try to understand myself on Monday (Friday announcement, Saturday decision to try to mend marriage & immediately went cold turkey, therapy started Monday). My therapist has been a Godsend, as has a book he suggested called "Scattered" (even though reading the first 40-50 pages took me at least 5-6 hrs), which has given me some significant insights into myself, my past, my present, my mind, and also many of my ADD effected behaviors inside and outside of our marriage (some of which I thought were "fine", some of which frustrated myself and others to no end, and some of which I honestly never even noticed). I was also fortunate to make a new friend who has ADHD and have a couple of very valuable conversations with him this last week, and I feel really lucky not to have missed yet another chance to possibly get sorted out.

    I am on one level feeling super excited to learn more about my mind and myself. I went to therapy twice last week and it felt like forever between visits. It's been an emotional week for me as I attempt to come to grips with a lifetime of ADD based behaviors, responses, and coping mechanisms, some that I see really clearly now, and there are these 'a-ha moments' coming all the time (oh jeez- look at that, no wonder...). Off of alcohol, I am now waking up early without an alarm, making my wife's coffee, cleaning the kitchen, dealing with the morning routine of our 3 dogs, and cutting up a fruit plate for our daughter to deliver to my wife at her bedside before our 3 yr old makes her way in from her room. It feels great, and I feel awake for the first time in a long while. I am eager to improve, to understand, to explore, to grow, without question to make amends where I can, and to fulfill all that potential that my junior high school teachers always complained to my parents about being wasted.

    My wife on the other hand is having none of it.
    She hasn't dropped the L word once this week. She thinks I am putting on some kind of show for her. She realizes the genuine emotion I am moving through (pretty intense week) and she has agreed to stay with me just to support me in the immediate term, but insists we begin to "unwind" our finances and other concrete practical steps toward living separately and trying to parent amicably. We live in a town of only 100K people and she feels it will be no burden on our child for us to be apart (contrary to my devastating life experiences as a child in a broken family where everyone fought constantly with everyone). She wants to "share" the 3 dogs and expects that to work just fine. One big reason we moved to CO from CA was to be closer to her Dad in NY after her Mom passed away 2 yrs ago, leaving him as our daughter's last Grandparent. They are close but not as close as before her Mom passed away. She won't tell him about what's going on, and she refuses to let me call him, claiming he is "her" family and she's worried about him being worried about us (he can be anxious, as can my wife, but it's not debilitating). When I talk to her about the changes I am experiencing, both emotionaly and in my own understanding of myself and my patterns, she's OK with it, but only until I express my honest and genuinely hopeful feelings about what it can mean for us, at which point she might as well grind her teeth and claw at her own skin- she doesn't want to hear about it. She has one really good friend from CA that lives here and has made some nice new friends here too, but is not (or was not before this) very close with very many of them, and she thankfully has done a great job of reaching out and connecting with them for support, but it really troubles me that she has twice said something to the effect of "I told my friends we are separating so that's it, I'm holding firm, I'm done".

    I am struggling to remain positive, trying to find a place where I can both tell her honestly that sadly I accept her decisions about her future, and want her to be happy, and want her to live fully, and be fulfilled individually, and I want her to have whatever she needs to do that, but that I also want very much to be a part of it, and that I want to turn things around and reward all of her patience, and that I would so very much appreciate the opportunity to spend the rest of my life in making all of this up to her... but she has apparently traded in her well-worn patience and compassion for her curiosity of what it would be like to be a 36 yr old single mom without me as a partner. I would not really say that I am "desperate" to save our marriage, but I do feel that walking away is a mistake, I feel that it's unfair to our child not try as hard as we can, and I feel that karmically it's my duty to try, for all of our sakes, because it's my ADD, it's my behaviors, and it's my responsibility. I also have enough love within me for her to try forever- or I believe I do. I all honesty, I also feel that it's unfair to me to just walk away so soon after we moved here (away from where I grew up, away fro the ocean, away from everyone and everything I knew and was familiar with and comfortable with) just a yr ago, in large part to be closer to her dad, and now I'll be stuck here (in a place I do enjoy but would not have chosen to be on my own) if I want to see my daughter regularly. I know in my heart that finally my eyes are open to my ADD and with that and my high level of interest and motivation, I can change, I will change, and I am already changing. I know that we can build a wonderful life together and provide a wonderful family life and childhood for our daughter, but we can't do that if my wife doesn't want to.

    Any advice is appreciated.
    Thank you.

  • I need advice, please help! by: losingthebattle 10 years 5 months ago

    Hi Everyone,

    I will try to make this short and simple, but I wondered if there were any adults who could post about their successful lives on ADHD meds/alternative treatments. At 24, I find myself struggling with a fear of long-term ADHD med usage and knowing that my symptoms could be holding me back at my job and in my relationship. I've been trying the Paleo diet which really helps when I'm strict, but still does not completely alleviate my symptoms. I've found that heavy exercise can make me instantly clear headed, but that is not something I have time for on a daily basis. I've been on ADD meds in the past to include Vyvance, adderall and wellbutrin, but the wellbutrin was for depression, so I honestly do not know if that was helping my ADHD a lot or not. I do know that my libido decreased drastically in the years that I was on so many medications. I choked it up to birth control pills or even strattera, but perhaps it could have been removing myself from the wellbutrin? My libido was fine before I started any medicine and very strong, but maybe that could have been it.

    I just need to know that there are adults out there who have been successfully taking medications for x amount of years without any drastic side effects. All the studies I find on ADHD med long-term use are in children and I never find anything about adults who have to take medication their entire lives. I think this is what I'm afraid of and what holds me back from taking anything again. After my house burned down a couple years ago and I lost all my meds, I found comfort in the silliness that returned to my personality and feared losing that again. Does anyone take anything that doesn't make them feel like a robot? I know that they help me, but fear long-term damage to my brain. I would love if someone could put my fears to rest or even suggest other holistic alternatives. Thank you to anyone who responds. 

  • like most others I have read by: moses1579 10 years 5 months ago

    My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6.  We have 2 amazing kids (6yr old son and 4yr old daughter). There was signs for ADHD before we were married - in hindsight it was obvious - but I didn't even know what it was.  We just made a great team.  I easily picked up the things he would drop the ball on - very naturally and he kept me from being so serious, it was like he helped to take the weight of the world off my shoulders.  I could see us working so well in a marriage. He was so cute and artistic and dopey - I adored him.  We got engaged and a few months later I found out I was pregnant.  We had decided to get married across the country in Yosemite CA already and I didn't want a shot gun wedding (I was 29, successful and was fine with having a baby before the wedding)  so wedding plans stayed as they were and we also prepared for our son. Quentin was born and two months later we were married.  I took an extended leave from my job as a manager for a bank for a total of 4 months off.  I had thought that I would have my son and put him in daycare and we'd continue on with life but when the time came I struggled.  My husbands company was not successful and the economy was starting to crumble.  With my commute, I was away from my husband and son from 6 in the morning until 7 at night.  I was paying $1600 a month in daycare - more then my husband made in a month so I stared talking to him about becoming a stay at home dad.  I just wanted our child to be raised by us.  I was making a wonderful salary, great benefits and bonuses.  He wouldn't do it.  He wanted to be "the provider" even though there was no way he could do it.  We ended up buying a house closer to my family - about 4 hours from where we were.  My uncle hooked him up with a job not making great $ but it was a start and my husband is a very talented carpenter so we figured side work was an option.  I transferred within the company and took a lesser position and worked part time until I found out I was pregnant with #2 and Mike finally got health benefits. Things started to get really bad.  My husbands focus was so far away.  I would cry and beg him to help me.  I started to think he was passive aggressive. He even forgot my birthday. He'd always tell me if I spoke nicer then he wouldn't get so mad at me or ignore my requests but I had already seen that when I asked him to do something I had to be very clear.  He didn't seem to get what I needed.  I would tell him I need A, B and C - and he would start jumping through hoops to give me D, E and F and then get mad at me when I got frustrated.  My son was only one at this point, we hadn't even been married for a year.  I had my daughter and things just got worse.  He wouldn't follow through on anything. Money was so tight.  My husband kept insisting he'd get side work - he was insistent that I didn't go back to work because I was looking for something opposite his schedule to avoid babysitters or daycare which at this point we really couldn't afford.  My parents started buying me gift cards for gas and food - they were giving me $600 a month and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I finally just took matters into my own hands and got an evening job, regardless of what he wanted.  I was so lonely and tired. I had a 2 and 3 year old at this time, I did all the house work and my husband was non existent to me.  He was like a 3rd child just sucking the energy from me.  A third child with the ability to make financial decisions.  I also found out I had an autoimmune disorder called hashimoto's thyroid which is pretty much an underactive thyroid. It was like he didn't care.  Everything was because I didn't speak nice enough or I wasn't cutting our budget smaller - I was seriously spending $75 a week on food to feed our family of 4 and that included diapers.  I was begging him to do marriage counseling and I had started going to a therapist myself because even though my family could see it - I didn't want to talk  about it with them.  I was sick of it and knowing that I had the ability to financially support myself and the kids I set out a plan to leave.  Well when my feet were out the door he begged me not to go - he agreed to go to a marriage counselor.  He was then diagnosed with ADHD and it felt like a slap in my face - like everything I had been put through now had an excuse.  He started medication and didn't like the way it made him feel so he stopped it.  I started reading on ADHD and with the help of my therapist started to understand it. We stopped going to marriage counseling amd we were slowly putting our marriage back together and then suddenly he decided he wanted to be a tattoo artist.  Knowing that he is unhappy at work, I researched options for him - our kids were getting older and I knew that when my daughter was going to go into kindergarten I would return to a professional career. There was a tattoo school in our area.  It was out of our price range but with careful planning I thought we'd be able to swing it within a year or so.  Nope not for my husband - he insisted on doing it now.  He talked to his dad and told me his father was paying for it and took two weeks off of work (please remember he works for my uncle).  Well his father generously paid $1000 of the tuition and he took out a $2000 loan without talking to me about it.  When I did find out about it I was upset - especially because we were still in the negative each month. I was apparently being unsupportive.  He did his two weeks of classes and really excelled.  He is a super talented artist and I knew he would.  I had to sit him down and explain to him that he was not, under any circumstances, to quit his day job.  I have to talk to him like that so he doesn't misunderstand what my meaning is.  When the Affordable Health Care Act came into play the company he worked for took it as an opportunity to change our health care and put me on a Working spouse plan which had a super high deductible.  I suddenly could no longer afford my thyroid medication.  We were still living so paycheck to paycheck.  I made a decision to go back into banking and was able to get an entry level position with a great credit union. Knowing myself I am confident that I will move up quickly, but I also knew on top of my new full time day job I would still need to work a few days at my job at the restaurant to make up for the kids after care cost at school that we never had to worry about before. At this point though I was off of my thyroid meds for 3 months, but within a month of having the job I would have the best health benefits for our family and we could start getting back on track again.  I started my job on March 10th of this past year.  My son is in Kindergarten and my daughter is in nursery school full time.  On March 13th, my husband came home and told me he accepted a 5 night a week tattoo apprenticeship.  He was going to keep his day job and work opposite my schedule.  I explained to him our finances - I wrote it out - I explained to him I was exhausted having been without my thyroid medication for 3 months and I wouldn't have them until our new health insurance kicked in in April.  I reminded him of my grandmothers recent diagnoses of terminal lung cancer.  I reminded him I still need to work a part time job and was hoping to serve tables on Friday nights and bartend Saturday nights at the restaurant so I didn't have to work 7 days a week.  I told him I couldn't physically work 7 days a week, I explained to him that I was really depressed... and he told me he had to do this unpaid apprenticeship and that it was imperative that he was there on Friday and Saturday nights.  That once he started tattooing he could quit his day job and we'd make so much money.  I, again was being unsupportive.  It's now June and I have been working 7 days a week and we are just barely getting by.  I have explained to him that everyday more resentment fills my heart.  I told him that he need to see a therapist.  I tried to explain to him more about the ADHD which just makes him angry.  I have been seeing my therapist this whole time.  I am trying not to be depressed.  I have to focus to not yell at my kids when I am tired, which is always.  Thank God I have usable health benefits now and am back on my thyroid medication. If I function through my day without being mean to him he thinks everything is ok and actually tries to get romantic, only to get angry when I turn him down or ignore him.  I can't be any more direct then I have been with him.  I also can't live the rest of my life trying to play catch up to whatever his whim may be.  I don't understand why he won't talk to someone.  I don't understand why he isn't more curious about ADHD. I have gotten to a point where I think I hate him.  I hate him for me wanting to leave him and break up our family.  He is a great dad.  Why can't he just meet me even a third of the way.  I am so tired of it all.  My poor children - I love them so much and I don't think they will understand.  I will look like the cruel one if I leave.  Why doesn't he care that I want to leave?  I can't believe this is my life right now.  Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read my vent and I am sorry for the long windedness

  • Thank you all, but I need to go... by: HurtButHopeful 10 years 5 months ago

    I just wanted to post one last time (that is my goal) to say THANK YOU to this forum and website for helping me through the loss of my relationship.  Clicking on my user name will link to my old posts, but as a recap, I had been in a long distance relationship for over 3 years with a man who originally said he had ADHD, but then denied it when confronted.  I had no clue about ADHD, but I knew how unhappy I had become and how different our relationship was from the beginning stages.  So I started reading books on it and HOLY COW did it seem to describe him and us to a T!  The trouble was, he was always hell bent on NEVER changing.  Long story short, I tried to get him to read some books, to talk about the ADHD possibility (I am 100% convinced he could get a diagnosis), but it just made him more angry and defensive and we got into a fight about it back in November and he never talked to me again after that.  Just threw our entire relationship (and the one I had with his young daughter) away like it was nothing.

    So, I came here and got support and read stories and became even more convinced that ADHD was a huge part of the troubles we were having (but to him there were no issues).  BUT...while you have all been so helpful to me, I realized that coming to this site all the time and continuing to read the stories and make connections is only hurting me now.  At first I was hopeful we could make things work (thus my screen name), but I soon realized that wasn't going to happen.  Now it is 6 months later and I am ok.  I am content and happy.  I am trying to move on.  I have no relationship to try to save.  No one who could work WITH me.  So it has come to the point where I think it would be best for me to try to stay away from this site so that I can fully heal and continue to move on, instead of reliving similar experiences here on this forum.  I still have guilt and regret and "what ifs", and I still hurt for him and what he has been through, but I also know that I am ok and will be ok and that I am happy despite missing things.

    Thank you all again for your stories and your support.  I wish you all well and I hope that you can either work together to have the type of relationship you both deserve or be able to know that you will be ok if you can't!

  • How do I stop hurting my wife? by: sfurze76 10 years 5 months ago

    I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 35. I have hurt my wife emotionally by doing something that really hurt her emotionally and after counseling and her giving me a second chance and things started getting better I did it again. More counseling and things getting better again and then I do it again. I hate that I hurt her but don't understand why I keep doing the same cycle over again and again. I know my communication skills suck and I am not that good at expressing how I feel. I have been told I am a doer I do stuff for everyone else and make sure everyone has everything they want even if it is not needed and have never done for myself. I am not sure if why I do the things that hurt people because I am subconsciously wishing someone would do the same for me? My wife is the most important person in the world to me and I hate that I keep hurting her in the same way time and time again even after I have promised her I wouldn't do it again. I am wondering if it is the impulse or hyper focusing symptoms. Anyone with some advise as to how to help curb these impulses please help me out

  • i feel he has gone too far and im really hurt by: solost 10 years 5 months ago
    He is the love of my life. He once made me feel like I was the only girl alive. But a little after a year of us being together I found out he love's porn.and I was open to it and still am.but after a while he started talking about some of my girlfriends and ones my sister and even some others we know. After a few times he seen I got out of the mood as soon as he brought it up. I let him know it really hurt my feelings and didn't like talking about people we know and I was really nice about it. But its been almost 2years and he still does it. I am and have been open with new crazy things and love to make him happy ..but he just keeps pushing and has hurt me I'm easy going would never cheat on him ..but with him going on.knowing it hurts me isn't right and makes me wonder about him cheating if had the chance ...am I wrong for being upset and really hurt? Its pushing me away and all he can do is get mad when I try to talk to him calmly.

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