Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Broken Promises vs. Lies by: Second Chances 10 years 5 months ago

    I've had a particularly difficult day today. ADHD BF is out of town for a work project. I woke up early to get a jump on my day and had NO INTERNET. Because BF didn't pay the bill and it is more than TWO months overdue. And because my entire business is online, I was screwed.

    I had mentioned the overdue internet bill to BF several times in recent months and he repeatedly told me, "I'll take care of it" and "Don't worry." At one point in April, he told me that he had "Contacted them and worked out a plan."

    Really? Seems like not so much.

    So my question tonight is... this situation feels like not only a broken promise, but like a lie. Not sure which is worse. He looked me right in the eyes and said that he would take care of it. And he did not. Ironically, his business is also online-based but since he's out of town, this did not even directly affect him today. What do you guys think... is this a broken promise or a lie? Is one worse than the other? Does it even matter? Bottom line - once again - is that I believe that I cannot trust him. He is not good to his word. And since this internet suspension left me in the lurch, I feel like he basically said "Screw you" to me. His priorities were and are elsewhere.

    After some angry text messages from me, he made a tiny partial payment online using his phone (less than 1/4 of the total amount due) and by a miracle, they turned the internet back on tonight. He did not call Cox or work out a deal. There is still an overdue balance. The water bill is also two months late. Will that be shut off next?

    BF only pays for TWO household bills. Or should I say, he is supposed to pay two household bills. The Cox bill and the water. I pay everything else. Everything. Ridiculous.

    Thank you for letting me vent.

  • Hyper-focus or mania? by: soconfused 10 years 5 months ago

    I'm exhausted and at the end of my rope and I guess I just need some support. My husband has not been diagnosed with ADHD, but he shows a lot of the symptoms, along with anxiety and depression. I've asked him to see a doctor about it but he hasn't been willing to go.

    We just had a major blow-up and at times like these I fantasize about ending the marriage, although I know he needs me and I feel like I'd be throwing him to the wolves if I left. This latest conflict is that his parents are coming to visit tomorrow, and he's hyper-focusing on getting the house ready for their arrival. This includes wrapping up household projects that he started at least 6 months ago but never finished, despite my repeated requests, and fixing things that he "broke" (like replacing all the smoke detectors that he took down a year ago and then somehow lost). He's like a cyclone of anxious energy and is mad at me that I'm not helping him enough. He says that it always happens this way when people come to visit (me not helping), not realizing that he's doing it to himself. Normally, I feel like I'm the one who does the lion's share of the housework, not to mention managing our money and being the breadwinner and basically holding everything together. On the weekends I'll go around and clean the house while he sits on the couch. He doesn't make things like that a priority in the same way I do, and I've asked him to help me more but he only wants to do it on his own schedule. So I feel like I end up doing everything (or if he does it, it's after having been put off for what I consider to be an unacceptable amount of time) and I silently resent him for it. Now he's got this enormous list of things that he thinks he -- or, I should say, we --  need to get done for this deadline, and he's blaming me for not taking time off work to help him. It seems like a pretty unrealistic expectation to me, but he acts like he feels seriously victimized by my lack of urgency. All I can do is stand there and think, "Really? This is how you treat me after everything I put up with from you?" These things include drug and alcohol dependency, two DUI's, getting sued for an unpaid credit card balance, and anger management problems. It's like he just can't see the big picture. 

    I just got a call from him in the middle of typing this (I'm at work). He's asking me again to take time off and come home to help him. He says he feels manic and like he wants to "put his head through a wall." He's feeling "paranoid" because a technician from the internet company is supposed to stop by and check our DSL lines, and he's afraid he'll miss him or not be able to answer his questions when he gets there. He says he's feeling so much pressure that he just wants to shut down. Now I'm starting to wonder if there's more going on here than just hyper-focus. His reactions seem pretty extreme. I want to help him but I feel like it's just a vicious cycle that will happen again no matter what I do. He admits he has a problem and I think he needs mental health treatment, but I don't know what to do to get him to actually follow through on seeking it. I feel pretty helpless.

     

  • Is this the end of us? by: Alone123 10 years 5 months ago

    My husband and I have been together for 13 years.  Married for 7.  We have two young children.  My husband has ADD and his drug and alcohol problems started when he was a teenager.  He was started on Adderall just before we got married.  He told me he stopped taking it when we started trying to get pregnant, but he never did.  He was abusing it.  He convinced his doctor that he needed higher and high doses.  He was buying extra from people.  I suspected that he had a drug problem for years but he would never admit to it and I could never prove it.  Three years of lies and sneaking around.  He refused to get help.  He stopped it cold turkey which I was scared about, but he was fine.  He tried a new mediation (I can't remember the name) but he didn't want to take it because it wasn't a stimulant.  He also binge drinks on the weekends and will occasionally drink during the week too.  He's very high functioning, has a great job, he's a great father to our children.  But I just don't understand this strong need he has to drink.  He was promoted to a corporate job right in the city.  If he gets out of work early, all he wants to do is drink until it's time to get his train.  He's been on several business trips and every night they all get totally drunk.  He lied while he was out on these trips.  Even he went out with some woman for pizza after the bars closed one night and lied about it.  I just had a really hard time trusting him because of all the lies throughout our entire relationship and he continues to lie.  Recently he got out of work early, didn't tell me and lied saying he was still at work, went out to a bar with another single woman.  They had lunch, 4 shots each, more drinks.  He texting me asking if he could go out drinking after work even though he had been there for hours.  He lied about who he was with.  He thinks this is okay since nothing happened between them.  Is this okay???  I don't know what to do anymore.  He just does whatever he wants and deals with me later.  He says he's been in prison for 13 years.  I don't let him do anything.  We've been to marriage counseling twice.  I honestly feel like he's never going to change.  I don't know what he's trying to escape from.  He says he loves his life, his kids, but he never seems satisfied.  He said he's never cheated on me and never would.  He just wants to be able to go out and drink after work when he wants.  He seems his time too he says.  He works a lot and needs time to himself.  I just don't get it and don't know how much more I can put up with.

  • Why do I stay? by: jennalemon 10 years 5 months ago

    I have been pondering this question someone posted to me on this site. I don't know the answer.  I know I am paralyzingly scared and that I have always been someone who accomodates people trying to play on a team.  But what do people do to garner enough fortitude to make the necessary changes and withstand the war of the roses that will affect our own children and grandchildren.  How do people know what to do?  

    We here have crossed a line this weekend.  I was afraid of Dh.  I got out of the house and rode around for four hours so that he could cool off and so that I could settle down.  His rant was irrational to me and his tone and stance were threatening - he didn't say any threats of what he might do to me.  I realized that I had nowhere to go and no one to go to.  I had decided during that time I must get him, us or me some help.  

    All these years I had been taming the beast by compromising myself.   But I am not physically or emotionally able to tolerate what I tolerated when I was younger and I am probably poking at the beast in him by saying what is on my mind and not holding back like I used to.  He is reacting like a 3-year-old who is now expected to be grown up. He is defending his turf of entitlement and I am fighting back. I am not taking his words personally any more. Over the years, I would tell him my boundaries (many times in writing) but they have had no effect. Any actions on my part as consequence were ignored.  He denies, distracts and soothes himself.   He does not care if I am sad, or mad or if he hurts anyone emotionally.

    Here are my questions.  I need to put into effect Plan B.  I need some counseling or coaching.  Who do I call?  A LSW, Therapist, Divorce coach, Attorney?  How do I decide who can walk through this with me?   I think we need to separate.  How do I leave him alone in the big house where he is a hoarder when the house needs to be sold?   Who can help me through this?  Should I move out? Should I change the locks?  How can we sell the house without his cooperation?  Shall I close our bank accounts and open new ones under my own name?  I don't have relative or friend who I would impose upon for help with this work I need to do.  I have read that a marriage in this situation should have an intermediary.  How do you find someone?  Can I do this alone?  

  • Husband's mood changed in an instant! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 5 months ago

    We were away this holiday weekend at the motorcycle track for H's racing. He was so excited to have both me and his daughter there. I always hate the beginning and end of these weekends where packing and unpacking and setting up is involved. I can never "get it right". If I move something, it's wrong. If I don't help because I know it's not going to be right enough, he gets upset that I'm not doing anything. I basically can't win. Well the packing and then the set up went fine and even the packing up leaving the track went fine. I get that he's tired from the weekend, but he was happy and chatty all the way home yesterday. We turn down our street and he sees that the side of the road where he wants to park the trailer is already filled up with other cars. Here we go. He starts grumbling and parks the truck, in the middle of the road with the hazards on and gets out. Not a word to me or his daughter what he's doing so I assume that we are to get out. We are sort of fiddling around getting out and he's standing in the driveway looking pissed at us saying "Give me the house keys!" Alrighty! I give them to him and follow him in the house. I am dawdling behind him and he grabs the other car keys and turns around to come back out of the house. Of course I am standing in his way and he tells me to move. We still don't know what he is doing. He backs up our other car and park that in the street and then moves the truck and trailer to in front of our driveway. Still not a word to us. He asks me to make something to eat because he's going to shower. Then we get a whiff of this awful smell and that pisses him off even more and goes "Did YOU forget to shut the fridge all the way and the food is rotting?" He checks and it's fine. Then he goes "Maybe YOU forgot to take out the trash before we left?". I don't answer him but I did take it out before we left and he checks and says that's not it. We narrow it down to the wet cat food that's been sitting out in the bowl for 3 days. Oh dear husband, you mean the wet food YOU insisted we leave out along with the dry food??!!

    Anyways, we think that he is going to take a shower and I find something to eat, but then daughter goes out to the truck to get her backpack but it's locked. H sees her trying to open the truck and goes very sternly "Do you NEED something out of there?" D knows he's getting in a bad mood and says "No it's fine" and he says "If you need something then get it" and tosses the keys at her to which she ducks from because she wasn't expecting it. Well he makes a huge thing about that going "God job on catching those. Why would you move out of the way when I threw them?" Then he adds me to the mix because I was bent over watering the flowers and says "Well Mapper's big head was in the way which didn't help". What is the deal?! All of a sudden our mere presence is pissing him off. Then we thought he was going to take a shower but then instead decides to unload the truck but not a word to us about it. Ooookaaay! So we know if we don't help we'll here about it so we start helping in silence wondering if we are unloading correctly or putting stuff in the right place and just waiting for him to explode on us. He doesn't, but he's not very nice about the whole thing. We go out back to check the garden and just then 5 planes fly over in formation. He yells for D to come out and look. She comes out and is very distinerested and says she's going in to do the dishes. His reply is "Why couldn't I have had a cool kid"? How mean is that?! He then took his 30 minute bath and then went to bed at 5PM only to get up at 7PM for 10 minutes and go back to bed. This is his one weekend a month with his daughter and this is how he decides to spend it.

    When he gets like this he expects us to read his mind and we should know exactly what to do and where to go because he won't talk to us. If we do one little thing wrong he goes off on us. If we stay out of his way and don't help we get the snide "Fine I'll just do all the work while you 2 just sit and watch tv". I hate the walking on eggshells never knowing when he's going to get so angry.

  • 19,000 posts about anger. by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 5 months ago

    Says it all.  The most sought out advice around the topic of dealing with ADHD is anger and frustration.   I hope the world will wake up to the whole ADHD issue.  Address it better in public schools.  Acknowledge.  NE Ohio, you need to really get into the present reality of the subject.   

  • Need advice from those with years with this to give perspective by: ICanSeeClearlyNow 10 years 5 months ago

    I have been reading a lot on this forum lately, finished Melissa's book and have been to two therapists for myself.  I posted the issue about my husband's difficulty with parenting tasks and his possible ADHD.  I've tried to get him to his doctor to get evaluated (won't go) and tried to get us into marital counselling (he keeps telling me"Let's just try this and if it doesn't work we'll go", but I know he is very resistant to going).  The problems are definitely starting to affect our 3 year old.

    I know my next/last move is to give him the ultimatum that he/we get some help or the kids and I leave.  But I am so scared to do that because I'm worried that leaving might be worse for the kids than staying.  I can't imagine how he'll parent on his own and I know he will fight for some sort of custody as a pride thing.  The two big realizations I've had from the reading I've done are that I can only help me, I can't change him and that denial is the big relationship destroyer - not the ADHD itself.  But to help me, I need help communicating with him and he won't agree to get help - this is so tough.

    I'm so impressed by the ADHD posters on this forum - ADHDmomof2 and JJamieson in particular I've been reading your posts and am so impressed at how much effort and self-reflection you have to go through to make things easier for you and those around you with the ADHD.  I just don't see my husband ever being able to put in that amount of effort.  I've also read the posts of some of those who have lived with ADHD spouses for years and have made sacrifices above and beyond what I'm willing to do and I just don't know how you do it.  

    So for all of you, I'm wondering - is there any advice you would give someone whose partner is clearly in denial but who has very young children (3 years old, 8 months old)?  Is separation better?  Is waiting better.  Any help is appreciated!

  • First time by: leenlo 10 years 5 months ago

    This is my first time posting to any forum like this regarding my husbands adhd. I am curious if anyone has experienced a husband who hyper focuses on a business that seems to consume him. He can't hold down a steady job because he is convinced that this business is the end all be all (we will be debt free, I will be happier, etc.). We have been married for 10 years now and I am pretty numb. The job changes, increases in debt, cross country moves, and general instability have taken their toll on me. He has made very bad financial decisions because of the business and over the years I have tried to get on board but for the life of me I just don't even understand what the actual business is because it changes to him writing a book, brokering, training, etc. 

    Can anyone out there relate? Any and all input, advice, help would be greatly appreciated

  • He runs off to a nice movie by: LyraHeartstrings 10 years 5 months ago

    He is obsessed with movies and his fantasy life and resents me and our daughter for getting in the way of his enjoyment and freedom. He wanted to go see X Men on Friday and hey, I would like to see it actually (he knows I've seen all the other ones) but he didn't ask if I wanted to or try to make a "date" or anything, he just asked hey would you mind if *I* go see the new X Men and I said well it is late already and I wasn't too keen on that at the time. Plus I mean, hey I want to see it as well so like thanks for thinking of me, right?

    So he MOPES the rest of the day and all yesterday. Today we have a huge argument because he wants to run back to mommy and daddy in Canada and not adjust here which will cost me $2000 of my own money not his TYVM anyway since he doesn't have any money at all to his name...so he's being a PITA to the extreme, arguing at EVERY turn, saying how everything is "on me" i.e. my fault. If X happens, it's "on me" and so on. Nevermind all the crap he's done that is "on him" and he just says, "Oh well, I have no way of fixing that sooooo." It's a "suck to be you, honey" sort of thing all the time. So he gets all pissy and threatens to leave and WALK back to Canada. He starts packing and everything (probably the tenth time he's done that.) We scream at each other some more and he screams at my mom when she tells him not to scream and says he can scream anytime he wants! (nyah!) Then he gets all in a dither and says he's going out to "cool off."

    He doesn't answer MY PHONE which I so generously loaned him in case of an emergency (because he didn't pay his and it doesn't work anymore of course). And even in a huge fight I have to think of safety first. Then he doesn't bother answering for hours and I'm like he's at that movie. So I finally call him again and he's on his way home and I'm all I know where you were and he says yeah.

    So really to me it's like he's saying that I have to talk nice to him in a nice sweet tone and bolster his ego and play nicey nicey and TRUST HIM and he just did all of this as an excuse to go to that movie. And to me you know, answer the phone because you don't know if there's an emergency. So that's completely him choosing X Men over me and his child because he didn't even have the decency to make sure he was within reach.

    Why am I even with him? He says I need him but I pretty much can't stand his blame game on everyone his abuse and obsession with fantasy. He wants to be a bachelor, and that's all. He will never be a husband or father. EVER. Why kid myself? I better take my credit and debit cards away from him.

    And he never locks the DOOR, either.

    At least I have xanax. He gets to just have fun like a teenager and go to movies and I have to worry about housing, medical, money, my job (he doesn't work) and everything else. NICE!! SO VERY NICE! I FEEL SO CHERISHED!

  • ***THE SLUG BOX *** THREAD - PART 2 - drop off your slugs here by: copingSAH 10 years 5 months ago

    MELISSA, the original Slug Box thread is very long now. May we start a continuation thread? If not, please have your WebAdmin remove it, thank you.

    Again, this is a continuation of THE SLUG BOX thread for both AD/HD and non-AD/HD persons to drop off their "slugs". Ideally a line or two.  

    Some days we just are too tired to get into heavy discussion. This can be a way to just put out a one-liner when too tired of having -or- dealing with AD/HD. Especially those days when the isolation of our thoughts need to let it go. Not really a discussion thread, just dropping in and dropping off a slug or two and feeling better after it's gone.

    To get more detailed feedback, it is best to start a new thread so that it can be seen by others.

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