Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Time blindness, do you feel the effects? by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 5 months ago

    It was 9:30 pm.  I was watching TV.  My spouse came home, walked into the living room and asked, "Do you want something for supper?  I'm going to grill some hamburgers."

    Sure frustrated the heck out of me.  9:30 at night.  I just responded, "No thanks.  I've already eaten."  Bubbling up in me was the boiling sarcasm: "Um, NO.  Dinner time is between 5:30 and 6:30."  I had lost a majority of these battles over the past 20+ years, and gave up the ghost on the war.    

    See folks, this is one of the tiny battles I cannot get my mind to accept.  I had strived for a consistent, dependable dinner time when my children were growing up. Most times we ate without Dad, as he was still out on a job.  After the children and I ate, I just left the food on the stove so my spouse could eat when ever he got home.  A large percentage of the time, he had eaten a 'late lunch at 4 or 5' so he just put the stuff away.  

    Then when the  late teen years arrived, each of them - one son and one daughter - were assigned a day to make supper.  My goal was to teach them about nutrition and responsibility.  There was only a few basic guidelines.  

    1.  Let us know in advance if dinner will be ready later than 7 pm.  

    2.  If you need something special from the grocery store, let me know in advance.

    3.  You can make the same thing every week if you want.  Dinner needs 3 basic components:  A main dish, and 2 side dishes.  Hot dogs, chips and a fruit/vegetable is acceptable.  Spaghetti, sausage links,  and a salad is acceptable.

    4.  The goal:  Learn to cook, learn about scheduling time to prepare, and share responsibility of dinner time with all family members.

    My spouse had an assigned day also.  He usually brought home dinner from KFC or some take-out.  

    The hardest thing - my spouse continually neglected his day.  And then got angry at US.   I heard all the excuses I care to hear.  "Got hung up at work."  "Time got away from me."  "I forgot." 

    How does a person build boundaries around that scenario?  It all boiled down to: I cannot rely on my spouse to do his fair share.

    And that behavior permeated into all the aspects of our family life.  Getting things repaired.  Getting home in time for attending an event. Planning holidays.   Following through on attending a family event - he consistently decided he needed to stay home and 'get stuff done.'

    My children are grown, and one is married.  There is no 'shared responsibility' at my house.  I eat when I want.  Some days my spouse still comes home and grumbles there is no prepared dinner.  I have lost every shred of desire I have to make that dinner time work.  

    If I marked on the calendar when he neglected his day, he got angry.  If I did not have marks on the calendar to chart his neglect, he denied it was happening.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  No accountability.  None.

    I do not need him to agree with me to know what a sad state of affairs this is.  He does not see it.  At all.

     

  • Do they notice? by: Zipit 10 years 5 months ago

    I am wondering if anyone out there that has ADHD can answer my question? Does my spouse notice the amount of effort I make to keep peace and happiness in the home? 

  • The doors flew open today ! by: cjacobs001 10 years 6 months ago

    Today was our first visit with a 2nd LMHC, in this new cycle of 'seeing someone' to try to find ourselves a path to improve our relationship, and immediately this counselor heard the familiar complaints of ADHD-affected marriages.  She began finishing our sentences for us!  I could not believe it! My wife was excited that here was a person who could relate.  Someone who seemed to know her mind (my wife's), yet we only just met.  

    We had previously only vaguely considered ADHD as being a cause for any of the issues, as no other counselor had thought that way.  But hearing the symptoms from someone who lives with it, someone who counsels it, "someone who knows", gave both of us HOPE.  Enough so that, already, I know that I will be thanking her for the rest of my life.  

    The counselor recommended this site.  We just can't believe that our experiences are already here to read.  

    Thank you thank you  thank you!! 

    I remain hopeful, as the the doors flew open today and I can see light!  

    Thank you thank you thank you!!​

     

  • Oh trust, where are you? by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 6 months ago

    Trust.  My ADHD spouse cannot/will-not/does-not trust anyone. Not me.  Not our two children.  He seems to be always on guard, behaving in such a way that he thinks we are ready to pounce to take advantage of a slight lapse in his armor.

    Accepting help from those who LOVE you and DO NOT want to control you is something I wish my spouse could learn.  

     

  • Advice: 21 year old ADHD son goes catonic; Rigid body /smirking face. by: CosmicJoke 10 years 6 months ago

    Has anyone else seen this?  What does it mean when son goes completely catatonic?  He stands rigid.  You could actually knock him over.  No eye contact.  Smirk on face, with expression held like that.  This could go on for an hour.  Nothing reaches him--not touching him, speaking to him.  No clear sense of what triggers it.  First occurred maybe 2 years ago in the midst of ADHD battles and pleas over deadlines, etc.  Most recently though, it can happen when relatively neutral questions arise--like deciding where to go for dinner when his father & I visited him for college parents weekend.

    Has anyone here had experience with an ADHD diagnosis masking a bigger issue that needs attention.  Co-morbidity?  Does this sound like he might be bipolar or have some autism spectrum issues?

    He'll be home soon after apparently flunking out of freshman year at college.  He's resisted meds for 2 years, started taking them this month.  Is out of meds and needs to see a prescribing physician and the time seems right for a new evaluation.

    Is it possible that ADHD is the tip of his iceberg?  (He repeated his junior year of HS, and then his senior year, at a school for ADHD kids.  Despite daily focus groups and specialized curriculum there, he seems to be getting progressively worse.)

    I feel like we will get nowhere unless we know the right questions to ask the doctor (based on years of painful experiences).

    All RESPONSES WELCOME...Please...

     

     

  • Curiousity... by: hawaiianbluemoon15 10 years 6 months ago

    Just curious. Has anyone ever wondered what its like for people that don't have ADHD? How 'simple' life is without it? How easy it is for them to multi-task and juggle multiple things at once? In no way, shape, or form do I want sympathy. Curiosity got the better of me :-)

  • Sorting it all out - Anger, Passive-Aggressive, and Emotional Lability by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 6 months ago

    Anger and EL have been discussed in another thread on this forum.

     I sometimes wonder how I got to where I am today.  It is EXTREMELY difficult to sort out my nurturing spirit and my propensity to be co-dependent.  And my stubborn unwillingness to let go of my very troubled marriage.

    Al-Anon - my Dad and my spouse's grandparents

    Family history of depression - me - for several generation back

    Cherry Boone O'Neill: Starving for Attention - me

    National Eating Disorder Association - me 

    John Bradshaw:  Family Secrets and Healing the Shame that Binds You - me and my spouse

    Melody Beattie:  Co-Dependant No-More - me, me, me

    Cloud & Townsend:  Boundaries - me 

    Scott Wetzler:  Living with the Passive Aggressive Man - me

    Melissa Orlov:  The ADHD Effect on Marriage - my spouse's ADHD

    Harriet Lerner:  The Dance of Anger - me and my spouse

    Hoarding - my spouse

    Gary D. Chapman:  The Five Love Languages - us 

    It is the identifying process that has tripped me up many-a-time.  How to know.  Have you heard the old story:  "My child has a stomach ache.  I called my mother and she said, 'How much candy do you let him have today?'  I called my counselor and she said, 'Has there been any emotionally troubling problems at home today or did he possibly watch a scary TV show?'  I called my pediatrician and she said, 'Go straight to the ER.  He probably has appendicitis.' "

    Yep, perception.   Yep, I spent many years - from ages 18 - 35 - untangling my early life.  Then I spent the next 15 years trying to figure out why all my work was not applying to my marriage.  I have spent the past 5 years being tired of trying to understand anything else - at all.  I am living that quote from It's a wonderful Life:  "Help me, Clarence, please. Please! I want to live again! I want to live again. I want to live again. Please, God, let me live again." ~George Bailey? 

     

     

     

       

     

     

      

     

     

  • "Is ADHD contagious?" by: 20YrVet 10 years 6 months ago

    I know it isn't, but I've seen spouses of folks with ADHD ask that, and I can relate. I started a topic a while back about what to do when you can't rely on your spouse, and I'm surprised that it still gets comments. I would call this "What do you do when you can no longer rely on yourself?"

    I feel pretty confident that I'm not getting senile, and I know I've never been Super Woman, able to stay on top of everything with ease and style (I'm envious of women who can do that). I know that insomnia, with which I've been struggling lately, can mess with your ability to cope. But even before the insomnia, I feel like I've started to drop more balls in the juggling act of life lately, and I am terribly frustrated with myself. I can't figure out why I'm having a more difficult time with things than I used to. Things fall through the cracks. I can't remember if it was a day my daughter had a dentist appointment first thing in the morning (my mom took her) or if it was a day she was home sick, but she was either late to school or not at school at all that day, and I forgot to notify the school. I never forget that! Anyhow, they called me to ask where she was, and I was terribly embarrassed. This past weekend, my daughter needed me to take her shopping for shoes for an event. On Saturday I told her to be ready to go shoe-shopping with me by a certain time so that we could fit it in before a commitment I had that evening. I ended up not taking her that day, because I planned my day poorly, trying to shove too much into too little time, and by the time I got home from running some errands, there wasn't enough time to take her shoe shopping and make it back home for my other commitment. Last night she asked me for money for a school event today. I was in the middle of doing something, and when I finished that up, I had forgotten about the money. This morning, as we were both getting ready for our days, I said, "Oh, I need to give you some money," but by the time I was finished getting dressed, I had forgotten again. I remembered during a work meeting this morning and ended up running the money over to the school, leaving it for her at the front desk. Now, she could have reminded me again, but I hate it when I have to nag my husband over and over for something... why should my daughter have to nag me?

    Like I said, the juggling act has always been a challenge for me. I've always been afraid I would start dropping balls. Now I feel like things are falling apart the way I've feared, and I wonder when I will mess up on something more significant -- like picking my daughter up from school. I don't know why this has started happening to me now, but I hate it. I'm very unhappy with myself. I guess the good news is that it shows me how our ADHD spouses feel when they let us down (though a lot of the time I think my husband forgets things so entirely that, if I don't say something, he has no idea he let me down). I do think that if my husband had my back, if he were a reliable partner, I wouldn't have to worry so much about keeping all the balls in the air -- I'd have a fellow juggler who'd be sharing the work.

    I don't know that I have much of a question here. I just needed to vent my frustration with my own self. I would be interested in knowing if others go through this, and if anyone has any survival tips. I know creating reminders is a good thing, but -- again maybe this helps me see what it's like to have ADHD -- I feel like I would need to remind myself to do EVERYTHING these days, because I don't know which ball I might drop next.

  • I am at a loss by: WornOutMB 10 years 6 months ago

    I've been reading the forum for about two months but just registered. So much of it is like a mirror image of my relationship with my ADHD husband.  We've been married for 29 years. For the first several years he hyper focused on me.  I was the shiny object. There were the usual ADHD problems, inattentiveness, irresponsibility, awkward social skills, etc. He was diagnosed 20 + years ago, tried meds for two weeks, didn't like them and never tried again.   I took on the majority of the responsibility for everything in our life.  For the first 14 years he could not keep a job. It was always someone else's fault.  Our son was born when we'd been married 14 years and he finally got a job he's stayed with (I found the job, filled out the application, made sure he was at the interview, coached him on the interviewed questions, etc). Since our son was born I have taken on all of the parental and all household responsibilities. He goes to his job and comes home. If anything is done at home it is because I ask him, several times.  There are many unfinished projects. I homeschool our son, have a small business, take care of the house, take care of the finances, etc.  He is extremely irresponsible with money and has drained our savings to almost zero.  We lost one home and if he was in charge of finances we would lose another.  He can't keep out of the checking or savings account and I am constantly having to juggle things to make ends meet and maybe set a little  money aside.  It's exhausting.

    About four years ago he started to change. I noticed it shortly after his dad died.  He became argumentative. If I did not agree with his point of view I was terrible and selfish.  Everyone and everything in the world was stupid.  I was to blame for everything he did not like in his life. It got worse and worse until I finally confronted him about it about a year ago.  Because I had not read current ADHD research I did not think about it being part of the problem.  Because of his age I thought it might be hormonal or something else. I also knew my anxiety had contributed.  It wasn't until the last two months that it occurred to me that it might be his ADHD and I began researching and found this website. Wow.  So much of this is my story.  We are now at the point where we've had several blow ups.  I've been called horrible names, he's threatened to leave, etc. We're barely getting along for a few days at a time.  I've tried to talk to him about his ADHD but he refuses to do anything about it.  He is so hostile and blames everything on me.  He so badly needs help.  I am going to counseling which helps but I still don't know how to have a happy life and deal with the ADHD.  What do I let go of and what do I need to keep doing?  To make matters worse my mother suddenly and unexpectedly passed away 3 months ago. I now feel like I have no one who is really there for me.  My husband has been of very little comfort. I feel so alone.  I have order Melissa Orlov's book and expect to get it in the mail any day.  I hope that will give me some insight.  My faith is what has gotten me through it so far, but I am so worn out.

  • H had printout of narcissistic personalities sitting on his desk! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 6 months ago

    I saw this yesterday and commented only half joking to him "Oh is this about you"? He goes "No that fits my boss to a t". He has been having difficulties with his boss for a while now and is trying to find a way to cope. I just thought to myself "How can you not see that YOU are the one with this personality?" The never considering others feelings, being charming to get your way, being controlling. He would never admit that he has any issue.

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