I think the core disagreement in my marriage stems from the things that one of us does or believes in that the other doesn't.  I believe that problems must be talked about and addressed; my husband doesn't.  My husband believes it's OK to shut down communication with me (i.e., not talking or texting for weeks at a time); I don't think this is OK.

Do you have a core problem or difference?  What is it? 

Well I can't say I'm looking forward to this long Memorial Day weekend at the motorcycle track with H and SD. H wants to leave on Friday afternoon, but I can't take the day off. I can get off early and be home by 1PM but I can see him saying he'll just load up the truck and hook up the trailer and pick me up at work on the way down. I want to come home and shower and just generally make sure the house is in decent shape before leaving for 3 days. Then there's the whole having to pick SD up at the train station on the way there, but we'd need to pick her up at a different train station than usual that we've never been to closer to the track. So we need to make sure we leave the house in time to get her even though it will be Friday afternoon Memorial Day traffic going through a major city with major backups. I hate the fact that we have to add her pick up into the mix of all the other chaos. H will not think this out until the last minute and then be stressed and pissy about it.

We will spend Friday night at the track in the trailer, but H was nice enough to get a motel room for Sat/Sun. I can deal with the long weekend then as long as I know I have a shower and a bed at the end of the day. But now that we have a motel room I just know I am going to be hearing from SD "Can we go back and hang in the room and watch tv" or "Can we go to the mall?"Anything but hanging out at the track. H will be so amped up about racing and he'll be around all his buddies and talking bikes and wandering off to who knows where without a word to me that I will wonder why he insisted SD come up for the weekend. He has already said that SD and I can stay in the hotel room on Sunday night but he'll probably stay at the track so he can party with the guys! Really? WHY are you dying for SD to be there when I know you are going to pawn her off on me the whole weekend?? I'm sure he'll tell me right in front of her "Well I know you get bored here too so if you 2 want to go do girl's stuff somewhere you can." Of course she'll jump at that. I think he wants her there so he can show off to her and also show his buddies "Hey here's my daughter I'm always talking about".

Oh and then there's the fact that H's bike has been at the dealership for 3 weeks now because he blew out the computer in it and it had to be sent to the factory. They were able to fix it but it doesn't mean his bike will necessarily run. The dealership may got it back yesterday, but they don't open again until Tuesday and since I need to take the truck to work (which is the only vehicle that can haul the trailer to pick up the bike) because he bought a manual car that I can't drive then he will expect me to haul the trailer to work and find a place to park it and then make a detour on my way home from work to pick up the bike. There's no other way to get the bike before next Friday unless he either drives the truck and drops me off at the train station before he goes to work (which he won't because he'd have to let me sit there for 2 hours before a train would be able to take me) and pick it up himself after work or wait to go pick it up after I get home, which wouldn't be until about 5PM and he'd have to hook up the trailer and drive tot he shop before 6PM when they close which would be nearly impossible. And it's always me who has to sacrifice something because he didn't think things out. He'll either want me to take the day off or get off early to go do this for him.

The fact that he's already got it in his mind that Sunday night he's going to stay at the track and party with the guys while SD and I go back to the hotel room speaks volumes, don't you think? WHY are you so adamant about SD being there for the weekend when you are already planning your party time with the guys? AND he's already said that it might be a case of we go down to the track before SD's train gets in and then HE'LL send ME to the station (an hour round trip) to go get her while he gets things organized at the track. Then he'll send us to the hotel on Saturday afternoon to check in while he's doing his thing at the track.

It just seems like I am there to run his errands that he doesn't want to do so all he has to focus on is the racing!
 

Hello all,

I've been lurking on this site reading posts and getting some support for a lot of the issues that my husband has, but of course, no two situations are exactly alike, so I've finally come to the conclusion I needed to get on here and ask a question myself.

My husband and I are a young couple. We have a 3 year old daughter (who I am already beginning to worry has ADHD), and a son on the way (he's due in July). Unfortunately, my story is like most others. Our dating lives were wonderful. So full of love and happiness as long as we were together. Then after about a year or so of marriage, things changed. Well, maybe I should backtrack and say that things were very hard during our first year of marriage and beyond because his ADD quite literally destroyed things almost instantly, but I still loved him and hey, everyone makes mistakes, right? Of course, at the time, I had no idea how damaging ADD/ADHD could be on a relationship. I just thought he was unbelievably irresponsible, and never followed through on his promises. He was diagnosed with it as a child, but his mother abruptly stopped the medication when she could no longer afford it. His living situation only got worse though and so that didn't help him at all. It was as if his family just ignored that he had the problem, and they STILL do!

Well now I can say the following things have happened to us, due to his ADD: We've had a nasty house everywhere we've lived together, and I mean unbelievably nasty. Our credit is ruined because he won't stop maxing out the cards, even after I worked hard to pay them down many MANY times. He hasn't been able to hold a job and has made no recognizable progress up the career ladder, jumping from field to field. Now he delivery drives for a pizza restaurant. He forgets everything. He's irritable constantly and usually in denial about anything he may have done. He has destroyed our leased vehicle...which he also suggested we purchase. He drives very badly. He sleeps very late and is always "tired" when he wakes up, lolly gagging in bed for up to an hour before he budges to do anything (he also talks in his sleep and has trouble waking up aware of what is going on, such as reaching for a phone that isn't there, or mumbling nonsensical things). He is conceited and believes he is always right. He and I have lost many friends. He has been arrested because he has an unhealthy attachment to his friends and will do just about anything to have someone need him, listen to him, or be around him. He has no sense of boundaries when it comes to having women friends who blatantly disrespect my place as his wife and call him to talk about their relationship problems, ask for rides to places, etc. He thinks this is normal and okay and gets angry when I say anything about it. Funnily enough, he is really and truly NOT romantically interested in these women...but they see an inch and take a mile with him because of his kindness, not even realizing themselves that he is simply just wanting to be the guy that people come to for help because he likes being right about things and knowing everything, and while he loves pets, he neglects their needs constantly whenever we've had them. It got so bad with one dog we had that the city served us with a warning because our neighbors got so fed up with the situation! He also spontaneously adopted a dog which didn't get along with my dog, which I'd had since early teenage-hood, and I was forced to rehome my dog because he had become traumatized by our new situation with my husband and the other dog who constantly tried to dominate my dog (my dog was a dachshund, the adopted dog some sort of shepherd mix). My husband would always blame my dog for anything that happened around the house...though these things weren't happening BEFORE the spontaneously adopted dog. He'd even leave them for hours without taking them for walks so he could go swimming. I'd come home to poop and pee covered floors after a 12 hour shift working in a hospital lab and newly pregnant with my daughter. He was unemployed at the time.

I know this is long winded. Trust me it would be longer if I could explain everything in detail, but too much has happened in 6 short years! I can't even wrap my head around it. So as far as the mindfulness meditation. It took a lot of work from me to finally get him to stop being angry about my suggestion that he should seek help for his ADD, but finally he is admitting to it, along with some depression issues he thinks he is having, which I believe. I have contacted many therapists, and even suggested he reconsider medication, but because of his bad experience with the medication as a child (apparently a huge dosage of meds which caused vomiting, fatigue, zombie like behavior, and extreme weightloss), he is trying desperately to avoid that and won't even consider it now as an adult. He is very dodgy about the therapists and says we can't afford to go see them (One therapist quoted us $50 per session...I fail to see how this is not affordable...) The only thing he wants to try is Mindfulness Meditation, which I did not bring up but he has done personal research on. He thinks that this will fix his severe ADD, and that it won't even have to be used in conjunction with other forms of treatment. He forgets we would also have to pay for that...which may cost more than a therapist. My concern is that he is only trying to do what HE thinks will work, but he fails to see that it is this very form of thinking which has damaged us so badly. In fact, in him trying to change himself recently, he will instantly forget when he is putting off things like finding a better job, doing household chores (like cutting yards, something he rarely ever does), or preparing to move into our new home. He wants praise immediately whenever he remembers something like that! Without even giving me a chance to see continued effort! Then he gets mad if I don't (because I have before and then he'll just stop). I'm at the end of my rope, and now I have severe depression. He will acknowledge that I have depression and that I should seek help, but not himself? Please, please help me! And if anyone knows anything about Mindfulness meditation, please give me some advice. I truly think he needs to consider other methods, but he just doesn't seem to want to. We're going in circles trying his methods!